To be able to be whole, to be able to be strong, now is the time to be able to really believe in me. I want to be here for any grieving soul who reaches out to me. Through my ten months of grieving I realized that I want to be the person to stand up, stand out, to reach out my hand to all you grieving hearts. I am the voice, the ear, the passion; I’m here for every grieving heart out there. I want all grieving hearts to embrace me, to let me be the ear to listen, the mouth to speak, to be the hands that will reach out to all in pain.
Last night I received a phone call, stating my dad was in ICU on life support, within those seconds I felt a overpowering flow of emotions go through me. Emotions that I thought were settled, however I realized they always remained unsettled. I guess that little girl in me never forgave her father for not being there, for not showing his fatherly love, realizing I never had that special father, daughter relationship. I came to realize I hold so much anger, sadness, grudges, even after all this time, 34 years.
Is this the reason to all my undeveloped goals? Have I been trapped for so long due to this? Have I been carrying this around with me for 34 years? Have I kept this blocked from my thoughts so I wouldn’t feel the pain I felt when I was 6 years old the day he left? So many things have resurfaced that I have never confronted. It’s been ten months into my grieving, I’ve never felt so uplifted, I finally stopped struggling to find myself, now I’m faced with this.
I shall not let this take over me, today as well as everyday forward I will face this pain, I will put that little girl to rest. No longer will I feel it was my fault my father did not love me the way he should of. He is the one that let me down, he is the one that couldn’t show me love, it’s not the other way around. I wanted his love he just didn’t give it. Never again will I feel unworthy, I am always WORTHY. So now from this day forward I build to fill that hole with love and forgive.
Why I choose to move forward? Very simple, I’ve found my passion. My passion to be here in this little safe haven I built for all of you facing grief. I build myself to be stronger, to be whole, so I can stand my ground to be whole for myself, as well as for all of you, for my passion. What I want? I want to be the one person that speaks out to the world, to all grieving hearts, to heal, to mend, to lend a hand out to you all, for you to know you are not alone, you will never be alone. Every person I can reach out to is a blessing, one person leads to many little by little. Everyone deserves love, to be loved. You are all here for a reason; do not let the grieving pain take over. To be here for all of you is what I will strive to do each and every day. Somehow, some way you will all see the light in your darkness, I promise that to you all.
Note to all: Celebrate every second you make it through your grief, because every second leads to a day you passed through your grieving journey.