When you come from a place where all widows go it is not a place that we all like to remember nor speak of. Sometimes in our grief we are led back to that very same spot, yet each as well as every time we find our way back above it all and further then where we were before. Each person touched by horrific pain gets a lesson taught to them that no other could ever bare to see nor feel. It is in those lessons we gain our strength, we gain a power within us to see that through it all there is absolutely nothing holding us back to reach things that once felt out of our reach. Even though through the beginning of it all you do not see it, you soon realise what it is that you are capable of, your mind begins to understand just what it is it needs to do through the darkness. It is as though you transform in to the person you always dreamed of being. Like a ray of light in the sky our hearts feel the feeling of nothing but absolute peace, excitement invades our bellies. Have you ever felt the feeling in your stomach, like a time that you felt nothing but that burst of nothing but tingles along with excitement in your stomach, it is a feeling indescribable. Imagine yourself feeling like that again, knowing in your mind that you have reached for the stars more than once not recognising at first but realising after that so much was done with out a flinch of an eye. During this year of grieving I have seen so much that has been accomplished, my heart lost a love of a life time, a life that was of huge significance yet the love still remains and the life is there it is just being made out differently, its in the start of anew you truly find things that were hiding that were never noticed before.
I think to myself often that I am right there, I am right there on the ledge of reaching all dreams that I could of ever dreamed of, it is all a reach away, I feel the excitement, I feel that it is close, baby steps I take in stride to catching it. I feel myself get frustrated at times yet I know in my heart that the journey to getting there is all what matters to me the most, it is of all the little blessings that add up to that one bigger than life moment. As a widow we do not understand what is we do, we do not realise what it is we program our minds to do, each as well as every moment of pain we program our minds, hearts, thoughts to deflect the negative thoughts, the pain, we program our minds to become nothing but absolute positive, full of nothing but good thoughts as well as loving memories. We become so powerful to defeating the bad, negative thoughts we do not realise just how powerful we become in our minds, our heart, our everything. We are so often fighting for the light that soon enough we just always seek it. Things that once were a fear become nothing but normal to our every day lives. If others could see what it is we do each day they would never think anything is impossible.
Our life was gifted a special rare gift, it is up to us to take that gift to use it, to touch others hearts with it, to love, to smile, to use our story, to be out in this world to share what it is we have in our hearts. Our life has been through such horrific pain yet in it all we have found a way to know that in this life there is nothing that is not doable, that dreams are there waiting for us to catch, that in our belief we soon embark on a journey that we thought could never be, a life that we thought was just for our dreams. We program our minds to understand just how strong we are. We set in our mind that even though the pain is so unbearable we always find the ways to bring out the positive. Going through this path to grieving it is through it I have found my passion/purpose, I have found the one thing that truly makes me feel as though I walk in the clouds every day. I am not saying I have perfected it all, I am not saying my bad days are behind me I am saying that with each little baby step I take the journey to all my dreams will be soon enough. To always tell yourself "I can't" or feel discouraged is what will always hold you back, to see that there is no such thing as "I can't" nor feeling discouraged is what frees you from it all to allow yourself to keep moving forward. There will be days you feel you can't but on those days you just take it all in to understand that all days can not be good ones, that tomorrow holds the unknown full of love as well as a new start to it all, tomorrow is unknown but a day that is closer to a dream coming true.
Going through our life of twelve years it looked so small compared to the love that we shared that we still share, yet in those boxes I found journals, journals my husband passed had written every day of his life since he was twenty, in those journals I found treasures, his thoughts of us, his thoughts of our love, our little girl. In one of the days he had wrote that "he could see our future was bright, he could see in my eyes that I had a determination to build a life that he knew we deserved, he said in my eyes he could see a strong young lady willing to make all that I have ever wanted come true". He also had wrote that "he wanted us to have it all, he wanted us to have nothing but the best of the best". Through this all it had made me understand that even though he is not here in the flesh that he will see that it will all unfold for us, that in those words that I read it will be one day soon, that his believing in me will help and give me the strength to always reach for the stars, one day he will smile upon us as he sees us living our dreams. My husband passed may not be here to be seen yet I know he will always be with us in love, that he will forever be our angel, to protect, love, give us strength for what ever it is we need to face.
A long time ago there was a part of me that really looked to her future with doubt, I use to look to my dreams as just that, after fighting the big fight, it is through that I am making all my dreams come true. That each day I see a person full of strength, I see myself as someone who holds on tight, I created a power within me that never could of been if not for this journey, I say out loud to everyone what I dream of no matter what others may think. My dream is to be right here where I am, to become a celebrity blogger for all that grief, to mend hearts through out this world, to build a platform higher than the clouds, to make all those in grief to understand just what exactly they are programing their minds to become, that through the pain each day we battle our fears, we battle the battles of negativity, to always bring in nothing but peace as well as positivity. It is with all of me that I will one day get the attention of all, that people will turn their heads to recognise that in me lays a fight, a fight that never gives in. My dream is to get grief more out there, for others that do not grieve understand that it is not something you have to walk on egg shells about, to be able to approach people and be confident in doing it. Grief is not something people really want to talk about yet every day someone loses someone close to them. It is something a part of life so why ignore its there.
A person going through grief deserves love, compassion, they deserve nothing but the best, it is not something we should have to bare yet it is part of life. The things I see that are out there to help people grieving makes me sad, the resources are not something to be proud of, it is in this blog that with all that I have I intend to change that all. Grieving is not something anyone chooses, it is part of life, not one person at some point in life will not know what grief is. It is my heart, mind, soul that I intend to put one foot in front of another to keep walking until I step upon all of my goals, all of my dreams, if you can think it, you can do it. If you believe in it, it becomes your reality, no doubts, no negative thoughts. That's the blessing in grieving we learn to fight all negative thoughts that soon enough they become weaker and weaker. My husband passed is my anchor, his love is what builds my foundation to a forever dream come true life that I build. My daughter is my strength, her smile is what motivates the fire to burn bright. When you use the things that are so passionate to your heart it is the fuel that keeps on giving.
Sometimes I see others evolving quicker, yet in my mind I know great things come to those who wait, that in my own time it all will be, that when it does it will be felt full of a huge appreciation as well as gratefulness. We are so eager to judge ourselves due to others progress we forget to see the little glorious things that are happening in front of us. Never judge your life unfolding by how someone Else's is. It may be your dream yet in due time it will be your dream but yet happening in a different, bigger, better way. To be there for others as they succeed is what it is all about, to be proud, happy, excited for others is what mends your dreams to soon enough coming to life. It is through your love for everyone that your dreams smile as they soon enough grow to unfold, it is never through jealousy we help our dreams, it is always through love, understanding, belief that makes all of it possible. We are so eager for things to happen we miss the true feeling of just enjoying our days to wait for it to just happen, we need to simply just let go and know in our hearts it will be. A dream is not just that, it is a premonition of how our life can be, it is how we feel we want our life to be, it is knowing exactly where we will be one day soon. Oprah another big dream, one day in my heart I know it will be, writing a book, that to one day will be, I smile in knowing that it is all in my near future yet understand it may not happen over night but something I look forward to soon.
NOTE TO ALL: As a person who grieves we one day find out what it is we do to our minds, heart, soul. We soon find out that we have fought off the darkness for so long that we become a pro on bringing in all the light we need. We understand we bring a power within us that shows to our heart we can do it all, we can fight the fight to the path of our dreams. We find out that due to our loved ones passed we are where we are full of strength and dreams coming true due to them. We see in our hearts that their love never really does leave us, that with us we carry them in our life, that if we take baby steps in this life we see the signs they send to us to remind us they never really left. To be frustrated by others dreams is only prolonging our own, to be happy full of love is what helps our dreams be nurtured and grow. Time is a gift not a frustration. Time is time, enjoy life with all your heart to forget about time, time is just a ticking sound, love is forever. Dreams happen when nourished enough to blossom. they do not happen all at once it is little by little so we have enough room to enjoy them all. Live on the edge and know in your heart your almost there. LOVE life, LOVE everything.
