The Boom Of Gloom

 

 

During the last few weeks I’ve been noticing some rough patches, although I do know we have our bad times not every day can be good ones I do know that it’s been more so than before.  Not sure to blame it on grief, grief of my dad, grief of my husband but I do know it is there and it has been there for quite some time now.  I ask myself what is happening that is so different than before and the only thing I can think of is the change I’ve been learning to allow the love of God in my life, opening my eyes so much wider to the bigger picture, however feeling this way does not come from that, I do believe the boom of the gloom that lurks is perhaps a force tugging me with all it’s might away from where it is I am headed.  Darkness can work in sneaky mysterious ways, in ways that can be unrecognizable if you don’t allow yourself to learn and understand what it is you are feeling, to embrace it not ignore it.  Harder days than normal, it’s as though some days I just don’t see things the way I have before, that things are more shaded than they have been before now.  I do know in my heart that whatever it may be it will not keep me from my happiness, love and all within.  Whatever it may be I do know will not leave my time wasted in my life because the power of love is so much stronger than any darkness that surrounds you.

It’s been 3 weeks now since I’ve been going to my dad’s church to keep a piece of him alive, and it is within these 3 weeks I’ve noticed the most negative of feelings that I have been having more often than I’d like to feel.  So many of amazing things are in my future yet with the feelings that have been lurking I don’t feel the happiness I should.  That’s when I have literally stopped in my tracks to sit and try to understand what it is all about, why all of a sudden now.  Even though things are rough right now that has never made me feel as badly as I have been lately.  So I try to understand where it is all coming from, the only thing I could think could be something that see's the path I’m headed for is so bright that this force of nature surrounding me is trying with all its being to change that, that for me to accept the love of God is not what the darkness around wants to see, not wanting another find the love rather than choose darkness.  When things in your life are of the brightest it’s the darkness that tries with all its might to take that away, to keep you from where you are so proudly going. 

When you notice a difference in you it is so important to come to terms with what it is and why, to find possibilities to the why it is happening.  Being stuck is no where we want to see ourselves; not facing the difference you feel in you is standing in time.  Not really understanding what it is ok but to at least address the feelings you feel will bring comfort and little steps ahead instead of wandering in circles avoiding the different feelings you are feeling in you.  Life’s not perfect, we are not perfect, yes there will be shaded areas coming your way from time to time but it is of utmost importance you realise that it is there and take time to figure what it is that is there, why maybe not come to you, yet acknowledging allows it to know that you know it’s there and you’re not going to allow it to stay.  Impatience perhaps, things not going as fast as you would like, feeling stuck, all good reasons to feel the boom of gloom, yet more now than ever is the time to take time to strengthen your beliefs, your hopes, your dreams, now more than ever would be the time to understand that if your down that nothing can keep you there unless that is where you want to stay.

 

 

We are all human beings, and not every day we live will be a happy, perfect day, yet don’t let the bad days keep you’re from forgetting the love, happiness, joy along with all that you have to look forward to erase all that.  Use your love within to know it is not you, it may be happening more than often but it does not mean that what you hold in you has weakened nor left.  Find your quiet and find the way back to all of your love, God is there he will listen to your heart, acknowledge what is within and find ways to let you find your way back on track again.  I prayed tonight to keep the strength in me stronger than the darkness that I have been feeling more than before.  I know in us all is a strength stronger than we could ever realise and not anything can keep us in a stand still motion if we don’t let it, if we acknowledge work through it and be easy on ourselves we will find our light through it again, that this time it will be brighter, lighter and more full of our courage and strength than before.  Then I understood that if I kept feeling this way than there is no possible way to move towards all things that I dream to be one day.  That to have the pity poor me days are not at all any of help to the things that we know in our hearts will be one day.  That the pity is not any part of love, any part of God any part of you. 

Then I felt that if I am choosing to be a leader than I know it could be lonely as you walk your path of the gifts you bare that you are choosing to use, that to so many it is unknown just exactly what it is you are doing and why.  It’s not about wanting to be noticed, to be heard, it is about wanting to love out in the world with what you hold in you and helping not caring if you are being seen, acknowledged or praised.  If it’s quiet that is only because where you are going scares those who do not understand why it is you are doing what you do, that it doesn’t matter that the praise is not there, that you’re not in the spotlight it is just all about loving the gifts you bare and choosing to use them no matter how strange or unknown it may seem to others.  Soon enough in the helping the people you help around you understand what it is you are doing and it is those faces you will see you were never alone.  Soon enough you will start hearing people around, little by little you will start to see those you have helped looking to you smiling finally understanding that being a leader alone was a rough road yet forgotten as soon as you see the people around you embracing your love, embracing you for all you have done, acknowledging the toughness of the path you took just to be able to set out and love. 

What you give is what you get, so in due time it comes full circle back around, those are the moments that lift your heart higher, where you find the boom of gloom disappear.  Is it about being in the lime light?  Gaining popularity?  Wanting so hard to be praised?  Some may believe so but to me it’s to be successful in a silent way because in the silence is truly when you know you’re on track to building a dream, in the silence is where you know your path is your on is chosen to be of a leader not a follower, yet through it you will see that the path you walk is not for nothing, that in time you will find the place you always wanted to be.  I always thought to build my purpose successful was having that praise, being noticed, being praised but now know it is not at all about that as long as you keep moving forward and being true to you.  That the biggest of things finish last.  It’s in the understanding the in that big you have to have patience to see it through.  That in due time it will be your time, I get frustrated for not getting responses that I really feel deeply I should get but then understand it’s not in the responses that make your dream a reality, it is you, it is your hard work. It is your love, it is your faith, it is believing that God see’s what you do and in his eyes your love is already being praised, acknowledged, through him is your biggest fan, it is God that is all you need to see what it is that you are going for not ever giving up nor giving in.  He is your lime light, he is your cheerleader, every other silence you hear around you is not what matters, and it is love, purpose, God.

 

Never ever look around to others and get down because you see a huge following of others, or compare yourself to them, it is you as an individual out in the world for things of difference than what you see in others around you.  Yes I confess sometimes my heart feels the hurt that things that are so close to my heart go unseen yet they really don’t, God is watching he sees what it is you are building to and in the love of all of you has your back.  If your building to matters that come from your heart than in time it will be shined upon and recognised for the love not for power.  Anything you do from and with your heart has nowhere to go but up, don’t let the doubt, frustration, gloom and disappointment of others take that away from you.  The fast way towards it for all the wrong reasons has no foundation underneath to keep working your way up,  rock bottom building solid through all your hard work is a solid foundation to never ever be broken.  Doing what you do out of attention and quick attention is not at all where your heart is at, it is hard work, faith, belief, love and accepting God in your life where the truest of purpose are stronger and are made of realness and unconditional love. 

The tallest of buildings were never built in a day, a month; the solid ones that still stand were truly built with love sweat, hard work and made without the wanting of praise.  The BOOM of gloom I do believe happens to the most passionate, loving, and caring of people.  People that feel with their hearts first, lead their own path, people that have struggled the most truly are known of all the blessings they have in their life now, it’s not to say it makes anything easy it is to say that if it is not hard than it is not truly what you are meant to be doing.  The saying “if it looks too good to be true” is saying of a lot of meaning behind it.  If it happens so easy, so fast, than it is not fully being addressed with all the love it is needed, it’s a quick fix that will never last forever.  So the next time you feel down for not feeling you are seen smile in knowing that the hearts you have touched don’t see you they will always feel you, that your impression on to them has been a lesson in their life for them to see that giving is where it all is at with never ever accepting in return. 

My dad led a simple life yet as I look around to the memory of love he left behind is truly what life is meant to be.  The impression you have imprinted on all hearts that you gave around you.  That all that matters is the love in your heart you bare is what you use to build towards anything you are creating in life, it is where your impression is left to hearts of those that you touched.  It’s not 5 seconds of fame, happiness found on the outside, it’s all within you, in your heart, and in your love in the solid structure you build with all your love is where it’s at and where it is full of meaningfulness.  Yet again another lesson to my heart from my dad, I smile in knowing that he knew exactly what life was all about, that he didn’t care about being in the spotlight, he didn’t seek praise from anyone, he didn’t feel he had to be noticed by someone of great significance, that all that matter was his love he gave out and that God was all he needed to see what it was he was doing trying to fulfill his purpose in his life. 
 

To me I smile in knowing the hearts I have touched, the people I have helped, the comments of love to those that have felt my love, to me that is all the praise, fame, spotlight that I need.  Next time I feel myself feeling I’m going nowhere I will remember the people I have touched and the people that I have helped, that building to a dream full of love has no choice to bloom someday soon enough, that it does not matter of the progress and commotion around me, what matters is I keep going through the work and always getting back up.  Being a leader of the purpose within you can be scary, but it’s the fear that is where you know that where you’re going is where you need to be.  To keep focus on the things you don’t have keeps those fears a fear, it keeps you chained to standing still, to not truly living your life with love.  Quick fixes are just band aids that fall off leading you back to the exact same place you were before.

 

The greatest of things of great essence are always the ones that take time to build, create, and get moving.  To keep feeling impatient is the fear once again trying to keep you in fear.  For a long time now I always thought to get noticed is what I needed, now I know to be felt in the heart is truly where it is meaningful.  Always waiting for my big break when in all actuality my big break is in the building and never giving up.  That to get to where my dream is does not happen because someone makes it happen, it happens by you and only you.  That you do not need to be lifted by anyone except for the God you believe in and have faith in.  Your heart, your love, your all is where it begins.  Darkness never wants to see the light getting brighter, don’t be fooled by darkness it can be tricky. 

I’d rather sulk in a life time of my dreams a reality than give into seconds of happiness captured out of you, rather than finding it within you.  “To live for some future goal is shallow.  It’s the sides of the mountain that sustain life, not the top.” ~ Robert M Pirsig ~.  “Never question the power of one!  Throughout history it has been the actionsof only one person who has inspired the movement of change.” ~ Steve Maraboli ~. 

NOTE TO ALL:  Don’t get stuck on focusing on the one purpose when in you lays so much more than just that one thing, the more you lean in to your purpose the more you see the picture getting bigger expanding into many different purposes that you thought was only just one.  Like a tree with many leaves, our purpose soon branches off to so many other aspects felt deeply in our heart.  Our purpose is the trunk of a tree our love is the branches that reach out to so many if we allow our self to believe in the purpose we carry with love that branches out to so much more than just that one thing we focused on for far too long.  When you start noticing the shift of love, of God’s love do not pay attention to the people of darkness around you that try to trip you up to where you need to get to. 





Thank you dad, thank you Jean-Guy my beloved husband passed for bringing in the light, for giving me my wholeness, for showing me the way, for the pain and struggles that opened me up to a life full of glorious beauty and blessings.  Your dreams are made from your love, hard work, not just given to you placed in your lap, if it comes easy than it is not made of your love.



 

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Empowerment In The City

My Reality of my dream ~ WidowintheCity to Empowerment In The City

 

We all go through life, all of us in this world walk many paths of a journey from a child growing into an adult and through there are some of us that hold onto things that may have scared us deeply, we leave it behind but not fully knowing it really is left behind.  The more and more we go through life the more and more lessons are brought to our life, most choose to go around thinking if you do it will be done with.  Than one day you feel in your heart all things that made you think of who you are today due to those scars we thought would be left behind if ignored.  The little girl being teased because she didn’t fit in, the little boy who never grew up with the right kind of clothes acceptable to what others thought was cool, the little girls who grew with no fathers, the teased, neglected, abused, all of us grew with something that we in hopes would just stay in our past.  Not ever knowing one day we would have to be face to face with those things that have given us the wrong impression of who we really are, feeling unworthy, unloved, not worthy of happiness, stuck in the dark yet not ever knowing anything different.  As I walked through my life I can honestly say that I to have done the same, always believing not dealing was letting it go, not true, we one day have to face that scar, those scars to ever break free of the perception those scars made us feel who we really were yet realising it was not at all who we are. 

You cannot say there is so many that walk through life feeling empty inside, feeling that way because they truly believe that is the way they are supposed be due to the believes of their own thoughts of leaving the scars of their life undone.  Whatever it may be that has so deeply scared you through life left undone is exactly why you become to believe that the life of low self-esteem, unworthiness, no confidence, unhappy and so much more is how we are meant to be, how we are meant to feel.  As I looked around to every painful person grieving I understood that even through that we allow ourselves to believe well this is it, this is how I am supposed to be and feel for the rest of my life.  Too many of us have left the real us behind in lack of dealing with the beauty of our scars, we left back the true us through all the hurt we carried too scared to face those feelings and truly deal with what has made us become the person we are not.

There are so many people that walk this earth that really do not know where it is they need to truly be in their life.  Walking, walking, walking, searching, grasping, trying to hold on to any happiness that they can find not knowing it is not something you find it is something you feel, it is something in you not outside of you, not in anything materialistic, not in other people it is you, in you, and that happiness you believe that comes from the outside will never last, it is as though a band aid for perhaps a little while, until one day you seek so much to see that it is no more to be found anywhere.  That is truly when you know in your heart that some where some way you left the true you behind in trade for not dealing with the pain you’ve endured through many of things.  This is when you know “oh boy do I have some hard work ahead of me”, that to get to understand who you truly are you have to come face to face with what scared you for so long, the scars of the past that have kept you in the past. 

 

For me it has been a whole 36 years to finally come clean and deal with my hurt, to turn my scar into beauty and know through it I will be ok, I will bring into all of myself who I truly am, I will see I’m worthy of love, to love myself, to find happiness is in me, to open my heart, to see life purely, freed of the chains of the scars of all the hurt that was left to never been dealt with.  To find the real you is to be born again seeing truly for the first time just how beautiful you are, to seeing just how miraculous life is, to loving you, to loving life, to loving outwards.  Too many of us I believe are out there walking life in a daze, no feeling, walking in circles searching for answers unable to grasp because of the work we need to face of our past.  It’s funny but now when I look to someone I can truly see if they are the way I once was, I can feel the pain coming from them to my heart.  Only after going through it, dealing with the scars of the past I can notice it to see it in others, too many others.  WidowintheCity was born out of the grace of my husband passed but now I expand my heart to so much more than helping those that grieve, my heart opens to wanting to help those who know and even may not know that lost who they are, that feel the pain of the past but scared to go through it, to everyone who needs to find their wholeness, their purpose, their joy, it is hard work but hard work in the end is a feeling of the chains that bounded you for far too long walking in the past, yes you moved forward but your heart was always walking aimlessly in the past not ever to see the truth of the beauty of you and the world around you.

When my husband passed I left that hurt for too long behind me thinking if I ran fast enough it would be gone, I’d never feel that pain again to again finding out you can never run from the scars of your life you need to walk through not around.  That’s just it so many don’t want to feel the pain they neglect to understand that it is their life they instantly put on hold to forever walking in circles, in search of answers never to be found.  If we live half alive how we can ever be able to live our life fully?  Life is to be lived fully, life is to be seen fully, not one thing unseen, not one blessing unseen, how can it be if we walk with eyes half shut, heart half open?  We can but it is not living the live you are truly supposed to live, it’s neither living life on purpose nor realising the miracle that is of you put here in this world.  I have done this for far too long that now I have accustomed to pick up on others that I see walking through their everyday lives to see they truly are not seeing the true life they need to be seeing.  It’s as though I have an alarm in my heart that sets off as I pass someone who once walked empty as I have before. 

This is where I truly know deep in my heart has been a gift in my life for a long time, thinking back to how so many would always come to me for advice, an ear to listen, strangers to this day always approach me most times where ever I go, I think to myself “do others feel as though or see something in me that I cannot see, I always wondered why I was always the one people came to, now facing my pain and walking through the hard work understand that they see something in me that I could not see fully then during those times because of the scars I’ve left undone, yet now understand truly why it was and still is why people may feel so comfortable to seek out my opinions, or help.  I use to always question this and laugh but today I know in my heart that it’s my gift, my purpose, not ever to find if not for the hard work I had to face.  There was always a force beyond the skies in me to always wanting to help people, so now today I can finally know in my heart I am truly ready to help people that need a hand to walk through their hard times.

 

I’m not saying I’m totally through it because in life things come up that is always unexpected but I am saying I know now I’m willing to walk through it than walk around it, to walk through it is to see life fully clearly,  more and more eyes wide open each and every time that hardship comes into your life.  To be able to help others through what they’ve denied for so long is a gift to my heart, a joy that runs from my head to my toes because I know the emotions of living that life searching aimlessly and finding nothing but emptiness because of scars of the past that keep us behind.  To understand the fear of feeling each and every pain of the situations you left undone.  It’s the alarm in my heart that makes me fight for those that once walk the walk I’ve walked, the neglected pain, the feelings of unworthiness, love, self-esteem, the loss of which you are, the loss of happiness, in one word emptiness.  To not want to let others never see the beauty and love of who they are or the love and blessings that are constantly there in front of them not knowing due to the emptiness you feel is to ignore the fact of the gift of life, love, joy, happiness, blessings and the real wholeness of me that finally I found, the words can never explain the feeling in every aspect of your life you feel when you are freed of the emptiness you thought was you.

This is where I’ve decided to reach for the stars and claim Empowerment in the City, the sister to widowintheCity, a non-profit organization for everyone who feels as I have once to find that it is not who they really are, to find deep in their hearts their empowerment, their gifts of life, their purpose, their love, their everything God given to them the day they were born, A MIRACLE, a miracle in life here for a reason, not to be here empty, but to be full of the beauty of life that is, to work towards the wholeness of who they truly are.  Can’t say I found this out on my own a lady brought into my life I do believe from God and my Dad, Kim.  It was because of her I opened up so much more than I was ever imagining.  Sometimes we get so involved in the gift we are given we forget that it can expand to so much more if open to see the bigger picture in life.

As I was talking about before this is hard work, yet I know what happens when you walk through that hard work miracles embrace your heart, doors you thought could never open suddenly open, the dream you thought was big gets so much bigger than ever imagined.  Finding the whole you is truly where all of us can find our empowerment in life and is truly where we can show others to do the same as they watch ours unfold right in front of their very own eyes.  Like watching the miracle of the birth of a baby it is as of the same to finally shed what you thought it was you were by the scars of our life we neglected to deal with for far too long.  My dad passing in so many ways hit me hard but now as I walk through the pain I feel his love and the gift he left to me in my heart of finding so much more in this life I live, he touches my heart daily making me see that our hearts can always continually keep opening, that there are no limits on just how open our hearts can open.  God came through to me in my life through my dad, that too is another journey that I led myself to believe I walked through finding now I truly walked around making myself believe I walked through it.



The miracle that was taught to me right in front of my own eyes between my dad and I was not something to go unseen.  As I closed those curtains in the ICU to speak the words to my dad I have always felt were so unnatural, to touch his feet, hold his hand, kiss his forehead, to know me you would know this is not ever anything I could of done ever, this all because of pain I left undone.  Yet here I was touching my dad’s feet, holding his hand, kissing him than right there right than the scar I’ve ran from for so long was released, I said the words “I love you dad”, words never ever spoken, words I could never allow myself to speak, just all of sudden out and out so easily and freely, the forgiveness in me that I never thought would be, the forgiveness I asked from him all granted while I finally faced my fear and walked through my pain, God granted us peace and seen the real love we held inside as we all do.  Some may say too late, I say not too late that no matter where no matter what freeing you of scars from the past never dealt with is never ever too late.  Some may feel it has been too long to be freed of it all but it is never too late, our life is to be lived and does not say at such and such a time life gives up on you.

I smile in knowing just how many blessings that come into our life if we free ourselves from the chains of the past, if we deal with the pain we put on hold for so long, if your being dealt with hard times one after another it’s not because you deserve it it’s because you are being served with tough life lessons to your heart that you have to find not hide from.  Some may say “yup that’s my luck bad luck” or feel it’s a life of suffering that was meant to be how they live, so not the truth.  It is how we deal with it that opens our hearts to the realness of what is life.  I remember myself thinking “yup this is how my life is supposed to be”, that I deserved to feel worthless, that others seen me as worthless to finally seeing that it is our own perceptions that make us feel this way it is hidden unresolved pain from our past we ran from for far too long.   Always walk through your pain, always recognize it, feel it and know through it that you’re not alone and at the end of it the life you seemed was so closed in will be of endless beauty everywhere you look, you will start to see your own dreams are real, that you are worthy of anything that you feel in your heart to be.

So what if a guy tells you no, so what if someone says you can’t, your weird, relationship fails, job you want turns you down, all of this is hard to bare yes but what we seem to forget that it is not because of you or something you may have done wrong it is because that right there in that moment is not the way for you right now, that something out there is bigger, brighter, and so much more waiting for you to find.  That’s the other part of it all rejection, failure, falling down, this to so many can keep them down, keep them bounded to perceptions they make themselves believe who they are, that is something that is also we need to walk through not around, not allowing it to invade our space with negativity but to learn and seek for the bigger picture that is out there for us.

There are truly so many things in our life that go unseen because we feel it to be the truth we allow ourselves to believe the worse over the good in order to neglect the work we need to do.  Love is in us all and love is what we are first and foremost to let go of that is to break our hearts, break our life, break our being, holding on to it and knowing I AM someone, I am love, I am here for a reason is what will pick you up every time you fall.  However so many don’t feel they can get back up or that they want to get back up and that is why I choose to build to my dream of Empowerment in the City.  To build towards building back someone’s love, someone’s life, to let them see the hard work holds blessings to their hearts but to also know they don’t have to do it alone.  If you find the love of life that is of what you feel is a gift, a purpose you truly will find the ways to make it be, to make it come to life, not alone though, through that love God will see you and be with you to help you through what you are building to if it is what it is that you are doing with his love working through you to help others.  Hard work yes, but in the hard work comes miracles, magic, joy.  It may not be today I see this come to life but I do know it won’t be long because it is all built from love and to help others and love others, so soon I look forward to my dream coming to life, right as I type this it already has.

NOTE TO ALL: Empowerment ~ the process which enables individuals/groups to fully access personal/collective power, authority and influence, and to employ that strength when engaging with other people, institutions or society. In other words, “Empowerment is not giving people power; people already have plenty of power, in the wealth of their knowledge and motivation, to do their jobs magnificently. We define empowerment as letting this power out It encourages people to gain the skills and knowledge that will allow them to overcome obstacles in life or work environment and ultimately, help them develop within themselves or in the society.

 

To empower a female "...sounds as though we are dismissing or ignoring males, but the truth is, both genders desperately need to be equally empowered." Empowerment occurs through improvement of conditions, standards, events, and a global perspective of life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

  



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Heart Whisperers

 



Two strongest of lessons in my life were from my Husband passed and my dad that passed both lessons of great significance to life.  My husband passed graced my heart to show me unconditional love is real, that to use that to all that grieve.  My dad graced upon me a lesson of quite a shock, to open my heart more than I could ever to embrace God, to know that it is his love that resides in me, with me, everywhere.   What broke me broke me open in a way that the pain quickly turned to love and light.  Whispers of the heart, sitting quietly feeling a little pain of missing my husband I was reminded of something, of a place I felt total peace, a place of comfort and nothing but unconditional love.  In the moment I was reminded how when times get tough to remember how it was I felt in our home at night when I was so tired to climb the stairs to our bedroom, to lay down to feel nothing but peace, love, comfort and total happiness to be in a room that was full of such great love, to smile in seeing our daughter yet again snuck in our room fast asleep next to her daddy and how much they resembled one another, to see the peace on their face as they dreamed whatever they dreamed.  It was specific feelings, peace, love, comfort, joy. 

In moments that come to mind in your moments of sadness I do believe is a message to you to strongly listen and understand,  for me to take that moment to remember the next time around.   Another moment was the feeling me and my daughter would share each and every day, the moment we seen the love of our life pull into our drive way of coming home for the first time after being away for some time, the excitement and joy we felt seeing my husband passed finally home, the joy in both our hearts seeing him for the first time of that day.  My heart pointed out two very significant moments of explicit joy in both my daughter and I hearts, the feelings we felt in it all in very simple of moments yet feelings of the most important in life.  Your heart often has stories to tell you of huge impact to the times in your life but only if allowed to be heard.

My dad however he is different he is the one that has utterly shocked all of my being of the greatest lessons he has brought to my life, he still is teaching me to this day.  The word most are so afraid to speak of out loud, God, my dad of all people has broken me open to accept more of God, more of love, more of life, that yes knowing of God is only half of it, to fully embrace God is what I have been learning and still learning.  A coincidence that a lady I met that works at the church my dad was part of for so long has opened my eyes to something I’ve needed for a very long time now?  Not at all it’s the grace of God and my dad’s love that brought this lady into my life. 

 

 

I’ve struggled for a long time now to figure out what more I could do with WidowintheCity and in her opened so much more too all the answers I’ve been seeking for a long time now.  WidowintheCity combined with In the City Empowerment, not only to help the grieving but to open it to all walks of life, to both men and woman, to teenagers, to anyone who feels they have lost themselves, to even to those that feel they need to be heard and have someone to talk to.  To building a non-profit organization to help people find their empowerment, to finding their joy of life.  So I ask myself was this coincidence?  No not at all.  In the silence from my heart I remember moments of my father, the moments his eyes gleamed in just seeing me happy, that he would go to any measurements to keep that smile on my face.  To understanding and feeling in me all of his love, the love as the day it was felt the very first day of my life here on earth.   Moments of the heart speaking to me to remember when I feel sadness creep into my life as I feel the loss.  The moment in the hospital I felt all of me feel nothing but love, that the Lord had brought our hearts back in sync with one another.

As I reflect on the difference of lessons taught to my life, I see that these lessons are lessons not too many learn in life, that in both losses I’ve found so many of powerful moments in my life that brought me more and more to the wholeness and love of who I am now, that the shedding of the old me has brought out the brightest light that has always been hiding, that to take that light and shine for others.  Yes in the sadness of loss sometimes we can lose sight yet if only we take moments of silence for ourselves our hearts will shed a little of light on to the lessons we may have let slip away from our hearts.  The loss of life is also of the essence of knowing how our life is unknown, to not waste it on things that affect our health as we hold on to pain, stress, hurt, that bring you down in all the negative it takes a toll on our body, creating problems that could very well shorten our own life. 

So to lose someone is to understand to hear what your heart is whispering to you, to realise to achieve the beauty in the lessons trying to fill our hearts.  To let us know a path to take that leads us to find the happiness within us, to fulfill those loves that we lost by letting them see we are living our life to find those positive lessons that are hearts are trying to teach us.  It is the gift of love that those we lost given to us in the hardest of times in our life as we stand shattered yet smile once we hear what our heart speaks to us.  For us to fully live in the best possible way is the way to keep the love of those we lost alive with us on our new journeys in life we pave.  To find in us there is so much more than we ever known of before.  That to us is a gift to our hearts that is not something that can be denied.

 

 

Look to your future to realise that not anything is impossible if you build upwards in the new life you are creating, to take the time in silence to listen to our hearts whispers. The whispers of God given to us from our loved ones passed.  When you see the light, when you see it brighter you know you have been blessed with a message of great significance, when smile in knowing it is something you love to be doing is truly when you start to understand where your purpose lays.  Tears fall from time to time yet in those tears you shed love, that love seeps into all of you to open your heart to let it know now is the time to remember the moments of great love of those that have passed, the message that was brought to you so many times to remember, leaving those tears that fall to become a smile in the remembering.  It’s hard it’s so very hard to stand shattered yet at the same time to remember those moments to turn into love, joy, happiness and living on in the best way you know you can. 

“When my attitudes are right there’s no barrier to high no valley to deep no dream to extreme no challenge to great for me” ~ Charles R Swindoll.  “Hatred demands more and more emotional space until it crowds out all positive emotions” ~ Don Colbert ~.  “To understand the depth of our own wounds we each must learn the language of our own heart” ~ Don Colbert.  “When we neglect what our heart is saying to us we suffer dangerous consequences of the "neglected heart syndrome" ~ Don Colbert.  Tuning into our own heart we begin to experience the child within us that most sensitive inner self the ability to teach us the joy of being alive” ~Don Colbert ~.  Some quotes from a book I read today, “Deadly Emotions ~ Don Colbert ~. 

Whatever it may be in your life that you may feel is too big for you to accomplish, always remember that it is the hardest of things that always are achievable if we allow to take the advice of our heart that whispers to us, to know we don’t do this alone, that the thing that once seemed so hard is something so easy once you believe in all of you that God and your loved ones passed are right there through it all.  It’s not about feeling you do it alone, that through the falling down and struggles are signs to give up, that is just a sign your on the right track to keep getting back up and take the path designed specifically to you.  Don’t take a path designed for another make your own and pave it to your very own mold.  I smile so big in knowing the true gift to your own self is to give freely to those all around you, to move forward in helping anyone that you can in this world that has taught the opposite to most for far too long, to break that perception is to break open a life of nothing but complete doors forever opening to a joy that fills all of you knowing just where it all has been, where life is truly lived, to see that in the loss as you once stood shattered to finding your miracle is to be blessed full of that person you lost love, to have that piece of the person you lost carried on through you. 

 

 

 

Heart whispers are truly where the miracles are to be heard and taken action to.  Truly finding that our heart really does speak to us is a gift, a gift we may have never thought possible to become aware, that it is not just something people say it is the absolute truth and how we find our way through so many difficult things in our life.  Lessons of loss is truly I am understanding where the most powerful of life lessons are taught, some people may think broken is negative but to me to be broke means you finally break free of the blindness you held on to for far too long to see a light much brighter than you have before.  To me being broke is as though to be born again, to start seeing through a child’s eye view, seeing the world for the first time in the most purest, joyous, of ways like never before.  Never did fully comprehend why so many would say keep the child in you alive but now to this day I completely understand why.  It’s a life of learning, yet we have to allow ourselves to learn, to not learn by the perceptions of others but to learn on our own from the lightest of lights not the shadows that lurk.  Sometimes those shadows can be deceiving into making you see the light for far too long but if broken you will know it wasn’t so. 

As a Mother I am always seeing life through a child’s eye, I see things through my daughter that would have never seen in the same way if not through her.  Yet through me I want her to be the person that I show her to be as she grows, I want her to know life is truly to be seen with love, to open the doors of life is to give and not expect in return, to help those that need to hold your hand through the darkest moments they go through, to know that through your toughest of moments it is giving that lifts that pain to the skies to allow you to be released of the toughness that invades your world.  To be the leader in showing others just how they too should be, that seeing you succeed they too can.  So many of lessons but I know deep down the path she chooses will be exactly what she has been observing from her mother, through good times and bad. 

You may see some people who really choose not to change, that’s ok there is only so far you can walk with someone until they decide to see things for themselves.  Don’t dwell on the ones you feel bad that chose to walk a different way because we all have paths to walk designed to us from our hearts, that some find the detour back on track while others may never.  As long as you held their hand for as long as you could is all that was in your control.  Pray for the ones that lost their way. 

 



 

NOTE TO ALL:  In silence is only where we will hear what our hearts whisper to us, it is only where the messages of our loved ones passed can let us hear loud and clear.  Through signs that may be missed if we do not completely be in the present moment every second of every hour of every day we live.  The heart whisperers are truly the ones that shine a light to those that learn a lesson to break and open to how their life is truly to be seen.  God’s love through us can truly touch so many of others to help them see in the most joyous of ways that should have been known all along.  You yourself can truly change the lives of so many if only you allow yourself to break, but break in a way where you beam not in the shadows behind.

 

 

 

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Be The Light Tower

 

 

Not to make a joke but it has been a very long time since I have been anywhere near church, in church, around church but something huge is happening and is really in the oddest of ways it is happening and how it’s all coming to play a big part in my life.  Tonight I went to a Church where my dad spent many hours of many days at, a place where so many loved him for who he was, I was there for three hours not knowing anyone that well but I know that getting far away from your comfort zone as much as you can is where all the beauty lays.  The church is still standing and doing well haha.  You know that feeling going back to being a child when you wake up Christmas morning?  Well that is the feeling that is filling me up from head to toes something that through the hardest of thing happen to me started, losing my father, losing him than finding something bigger than life in it all is really words that I cannot express enough.  Being able to give freely as he did to expect nothing in return, to feel peace and comfort in a place I’d never thought I’d be.   It was hard for me tonight, hard for me to walk out on my own, walk in to a place I truly did not know anyone all that well, this to me was another eye opener for me to realise, yet again it’s the stepping way out of your comfort zone playing a big place in it all.

All anxious feelings I felt through me disappeared like it never been there as soon as I reached the outside step of the church.  Looked around and said to myself “dad this is your place so you got my back as I walk through this place to see a lot of unfamiliar faces”, as I said those words to myself nothing but complete peace filled all of me, than looking around I seen in every person a piece of my dad in them all, looking to every part of this place knowing is where my dad was comforted, a place where so many took the time to hear his troubles and pain, a place that never ever looked the other way, just always accepting him always with open arms.  I think to myself this is not a Catholic church but still a place of God no matter what.  Has this been the missing piece that I’ve thought I had in my life but not realising it wasn’t enough?  My dad I do believe would be laughing hard as he watched me tonight thinking “there’s my daughter in a church, a church that was rough around the edges but so loving past those edges, I got her to see what it was that I see through all the roughness that is on the outside to see what truly it was on the inside LOVE”.   I truly am in awe so much to think that some things you may think you have let into your heart is there but finding out that not fully you have until something touches your heart to make you truly get it.

 To get the peace of mind and love that I felt is truly no denying what it is that is calling for attention in my life, to feel the feelings the over whelming feelings I have been feeling is truly no coincidence, it’s words that are speaking to me to open my eyes and realise to wake up and understand that love, that peace, it’s not just a fairy tale, it is real life.  If you’re not open to it than the heart will never be there to tell you what you need to hear.  I heard more stories of my dad, which never shocked me, he was definitely a character.  Seriously right now I’m just amazed that in the most unexpected of times if you allow the most amazing miracles happen to your heart and soul.  It’s not just coincidence that you pass upon these things in life, its God’s gift to you for placing them there.  Not saying I’m going to run off and be a nun but my dad led me to a place in my life that I needed to find, he may be gone but every day he is still teaching me things that I thought would never be of a lesson from him.  I thank you dad.  It is funny to think that you have a hold of something to find out that truly you have not grasped all of what you needed.  I knew of God, I knew God was real, I pray to him every night, yet there was so much more to it than that.  It’s about giving, it’s about finding purpose, it’s about accepting the love, not ever expecting anything in return, it’s all of the glorious of things that is, it’s knowing that no matter how long it’s been God don’t care, he cares always and knows one day he will be acknowledged in your life if you listen close enough or perhaps in a person sent to you in your life to make you see it all.  The answer to all tears that fall is to give, to help, to be of service and to never ever expect anything in return, in all those moments all answers you’ve ever wanted to know will slowly come into all of you to answer whatever it is that you wanted to know. 

 

 

May sound preachy to some but really it is a testament of what all that’s been happening in the hardest of my pain.  Here we go and can’t say it enough in the toughest of times the beauty will shine so bright unto you if you open to it to see it, too many times now I’ve been a witness to this in the most horrific times given to me in my life, at first losing my husband I thought it was just that, helping people that grieve but that was just a quarter of what was being shown to me in that time.  Let free of the pain to see what is around you, to open up to embrace what is trying to embrace you.  Too many of signs for me to go unnoticed, signs of feeling complete peace of heart, the rush of warmth through all of you as you stand in the most trying time in your life.  Yes my dad has his troubles yet here we are through him I am being pulled so close to a place I’d thought I could never reach.  God accepted my dad even with all his faults teaching my heart that I could do as well.  To let go of the negative I felt, to let go of his addictions that kept him from so much yet here he was letting God into his life the whole time we were strangers to one another.  Tonight in this room full of strangers within seconds none felt that way to me at all.  I laughed as I stacked the chairs to help towards the end of the night thinking to myself “of all lessons my dad is teaching me it’s this right here right now, God, embracing God, helping with not expectations of anything to be received, what bigger lesson to of ever been taught by my dad throughout my whole life.  Once you accept it no words will ever explain the way the world seems to be to you than you thought of it was before. 

I smile in knowing that yet again stepping out of your comfort zone is all where it’s at, that being so far away from that comfort zone is truly letting go to let God have it in his hand, to trust in him to know things will be the way they are meant to be.   Facing fears to look up and know its ok, that all those fears are so easy to let go and let be.  The bigger dream you could have ever dreamed is near, if you allow it to be.   So this I say to grieve, grieve has no power to those that pray, to those that embrace God’s love, to those to understand that giving, helping, being with others unselfishly is all where your tears will be dried.  To be love, give love, embrace love is where our grieving hearts need to learn to be, to get out and be with those that you can help, asking God for the strength you need, just being love, being the pure love you were as a child.  Sounds funny?  Not at all, after losing my husband he graced me with the noticing of my purpose to love everyone I can that grieves, losing my dad learning that letting God in fully is also where it all is to show your own bright light to turn on.   Bad things happen but it’s up to us to find the silver lining in the lessons that are so hard to us at the time.  You aren’t going to learn that if you forever bound your heart to pain, wanting to be in the past, constantly looking for things that are not what are seeking you.

A lady approached me tonight to tell me a story, she said she knew my dad that he was there all the time and that when he sat at a table he told her “why can’t I have one of those candles at my table? I want one”, just because that’s my dad and he’s always pushing the boundaries to see how far he could get a reaction,  the lady told me she than took a candle and placed it at his table and said “there you go Wayne just for you”.  Another lesson taught, you will never get for what you so bravely do not ask for.  Always knew of that but tonight was proof of how powerful of in the asking can be.  So here I am 36 years into my life many years in between us yet feeling my dad’s love so much more than ever and lesson taught to me from him to my heart.   Miracles truly do happen because through this all I’ve been encountering so many every day, from biggest to smallest I truly been seeing the miraculous of what is LOVE.  That in that pure love is doors you thought of would never open.  It is not hocus pocus, it is LOVE it is GOD, and it is GIVING selflessly.  Of all people it is my dad that is teaching me so much each and every day I wake to feel his love instead of sadness that he is no longer here.   A lot of my posts have been of my dad but that’s because through him I am getting the greatest lessons to my heart and soul.  I guess in a way that is his gift he carries where he is at, in a way that’s his gift to my heart for the time loss in between us that now he lights the path to use me to see all of what he has seen all along that he left to be unseen for far too long.  In a way I feel he is using me to break the bonds and chains of those that he felt needed to be taught.  That he doesn’t want me to go as long as he did in life not knowing there is so much more to life than we allow ourselves to see. 
 

 

It’s funny because tonight there was movie they played at the church that dealt with divorce, losing someone, yet finding the peace in it all through God.  I remember being that little girl so angry her dad was gone; I remember the pain of losing my husband and father yet here I was finding the love of God bringing peace to my heart finally after all this time.   It’s no coincidence that I was there tonight to see this movie, to encounter all the people around me, to helping what I could do afterwards cleaning up because in me is exactly what my dad would have been doing tonight.  Coincidence?  I don’t believe it was at all. 

Seeing the sadness on the face of someone tonight who told me “it’s definitely not the same here without your dad brought tears to my eyes yet thought part of him is there through me, through everyone that was there that loved him so much.  In honor of my dad I will keep embracing the lessons he keeps bringing to my heart, I’ll keep embracing the God he looked for so long, I’ll carefully become a part of the family he was part of in that Church and know everyone just as well as he did.  

Through your fears you stand up to you become fearless, stepping far away from your comfort zone you will soon enough learn to forever dance far away from it, you will know to live and let go and trust that God’s got you.  It’s not going to be easy not anything in life is meant to be easy; it’s going with the flow through it not around it.  Step by step you will see the dream bigger than you could have ever imagined showing up to your life little by little, miracle by miracle, love by love.  It’s easy to make excuses to what you fear yet to stand up and make no excuses breaks you from always standing still in time.  Yes sometimes in the worse of ways you will be dealt with you will find what you need if only you believe.  Not everything is sugar sweet, you have to be able to take the bitter with the sweet to still believe that God does have a dream bigger than you could ever have imagined.

 

 

 

Sometimes you will be frustrated, sometimes you will be angry, you may feel like giving up but in it all you will see that not every day will be that way, that in shock you will see the chance of a new day and see that not every day is like that hard day you had.  Things may not happen as fast as you feel they should but in time pieces of it all will start to appear, once they do that is where you will find your miracle to keep the fight going, to keep the belief that you hold, to know in your heart one day it will all come together to be the big picture even bigger than you imagined.  I truly thank New Song Church for its miracles, for its love, for loving my father to the fullest, for giving him what was missing, for God touching his heart.

NOTE TO ALL:   Never expect that you have embraced something fully without truly understanding that you have whole heartedly.  Never give up on what you believe, what you dream because that dream is closer to you than you think, that it is just waiting for you to grow into all of what you need to see it, to embrace it.  Know that in you is the deepest of love to love out to the world, to strangers, that as fearful as it may be you’re not alone in what you do, that no matter how weird it may feel that it’s not weird at all it is the way of life to fully love, help and give with no expectations of anything given back to you.  Know that in the deepest of your sorrow the love in you is so much stronger than the pain that tries to take you over.

 Sometimes we learn the most powerful of things through the hardest of times, that the dreams we dream are God given, that in time it all will be, maybe not how you vision it but bigger than you vision it.   It is never ever too late to learn lessons, the important lessons, when God wants you to acknowledge him he isn’t going to play he will move mountains so you will have no choice to notice.  There truly is no words to describe the feeling you feel the more you embrace God in your life is to see life as you have as a child, beauty, grace, pure, love, and everyone in it is not as though a stranger just someone you know passing by to smile at your sweet face.

Be the light, be the guiding light that others may need to seek to find their way, be the light tower in someone’s greatest storm to help them home

 

 

 

 

 



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