Have you ever walked through the toughest of situations of grief knowing walking through it is the only way to take each step back to gaining your new life back in every step you walk through every hard and painful feelings, emotions, tears and situation, knowing through it is the only way to get yourself back on the ground and not upside down.
Here is the funny thing just as you thought you are making the steps of walking through the storm and feeling oh so grateful you are making it through, that one day you start to feel the changes of more coming up to the surface, you look around, you stand still in shock eyes full of tears in knowing just how long you have been walking and all you have accomplished in total utter shock to your world to see that it is not over, that it feels once again it could just consume all of you once again like it did in the beginning.
You feel defeated, you feel discouraged, as though once again there is no way out again. I've walked three years head held high, smiling to the greatest of my accomplishments wanting to see the end of my walking through the grief, smiling in all the beauty I have discovered through my hardest of pain, looking for that ending line of victory, shinning bright in the accomplishments, strength and wisdom I have gained to one day stunned and stopped right in my tracks as I looked to the more change that has come my way.
I cried, I fought it, I felt to give up, yet as soon as I took time to catch my breath, I looked back to see all the changes I already had been through, yet this time it was as though I was so tired, so afraid, so full of defeat, I just could not believe that after all this time there was still more that had reached its way to the surface, something I knew was there but through it would go and be fixed on its own, I guess it was my own way of ignoring and thinking it go away on its own, afraid to scratch the surface of it more.
That is just it change is something so in our face that soon enough it feels like nothing to just walk through it, this time it was debilitating to me, after all I walked, here I was again face to face with more change to walk through or around it the easy way. You see I know it forever feels we are walking through grief yet that is just it there will always be things that come up to our surface looking us in the eyes waiting to be dealt with, keep our eyes on the all the change we been through already and accomplished will make us know deep in our heart it is only right to do the right thing and charge on no matter what through that change that forever haunts us in the back of our mind.
Grief will always present a change, a challenge, we have to gain our strength no matter how much we feel we want to just stop and give up, we have to be the one to challenge the change and make the change to find more of our beauty in this life, if you take that change you see out of the old bad habits that leave with the change and choice you made to take it on.
You know for the best of your health and the greatest of your life to live the strongest, beautiful of new life you spent so long building to that change will always rear its dreary head, that not unlike any other changes you know in your whole being that changes has become nothing but a best friend to you, with out a flinch of an eye you conquered the worse of it.
However after a long period of time of feeling you had a grip on your new life it can be a shock to your world to see the more of it facing you, shocking your whole self, trying to understand where exactly did it come from?, how it resurfaced?, why you have to keep facing it?, all that are answers that need to be cast aside and take a deep breath and jump in and conquer again just as you have time and time again.
Change knocked on my door and I won't lie, I fell down inside, I fell down physically, I screamed in my mind "why do I have to keep fighting change", I felt the grips I had so tightly on my life loosen and want to let go. That is when you have to breathe in life, find your peace, think logically and not in fear, embrace the beauty of all you set free in change that constantly challenged you so many times before to see the beauty again that will come through it yet again.
Change in every way and every time shakes out all the bad you tried to find to appear the blessings you wanted to see for so long but never could have by ignoring that it was there, showing change that you can shakes out the old bad habits to find just exactly the beautiful you wanted to see all along. just never could because you never felt you could take on anymore change again after all you been through.
I see the peace, I stumble still through it, but I see the amazing grace of all you ever wanted through it as I make that change powerless and not in control of me. There will always be issues in our lives that rear its ugly head that you know needs to be fought, so don't be discouraged and take it on to know through it your building the greater you, the greater of a life you deserve.
I smiled after my hardest of challenges in this change to see that by walking through it you get the way you always dreamed it to be. Post traumatic stress, anxiety, working on a new schedule in life, letting go of the past that had its chains around me for so long in every step of change I make by seeing it and doing what I have to do is the chains untangling one by one that once wrapped so tight around me through every powerful decision I make to be the change I need to be, to make the decision it is you in control, it is you that walks the strong steps towards it, through it and no longer scared around it.
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No more late nights because I brought my painful past with me in my future, shaking off the old of what I knew needed to be let go long ago, all of what you feel is something to be ashamed of is all scars of beauty to shine to prove to others YOU CAN make it, you have to be the one to know you can walk through it, battle it and make the change of the beauty that falls out of it all every battle you battle. Breath taking time to see the old dark that falls through every change you battle to see a light of a dream you always wished and dreamed you would see in it, you see the life you wanted it to be in vivid, joyful, tearful eyes.
Don't let your guard down, change and issues in what you go through day by day will surface, take the time you need, acknowledge it, don't be scared and ignore and breathe through it all an know you are the one in charge of how you want your life to be, not change, fear, being afraid, that is just a mirage challenging you to not see the real future behind it.
I guess this could be for anyone that knows why they keep going around and around in circles that has to re evaluate and come to terms with the walking strong through the change they need to change in them, not to just those that grieve, it is just a little more heart wrenching in grief because you feel you are forever fighting the new that comes along in life that you thought you already have had enough of, that to your shockingly realization that there is more and that you knew was there all along but falling each time in knowing the hard work is not over yet.
No words can ever describe the feeling once you take the stand and take on the demons of the past that have been hidden for far too long to see them fade into beauty marks. Right now I know it is not about time, or counting the years, it is about living life truly, taking on each change bravely to remind yourself every time it is a life you dreamed of how you wanted it to be for so long, to see through it is becoming your reality. If something in you feels broke, it is not broken you just have to take the challenge to bring it back to life and take responsibility for your own bad habits that feared you long enough.
The harsh reality of being whole can slap you hard in knowing there will always be obstacles, hurdles and fears to be faced to be the whole you dreamed to be, the dream of a life you want for your child and yourself. It will never be your reality if you let the change fester around you forever, it does not happen on it's own, we all have the challenge of change in our lives to take on to be where we want to be. Death is just a reminder that forever be aware of the after lash that may surface no matter how many times you faced change to step forward to the new life you built so strong. The little cracks in the foundation you built is your repair and only a repair you can fix on your own.
Ashamed?, never let the negative emotions build your fire, build the fire in you with love, to know you will see more clearly, the negative of emotions only fog your sight and love leading you to keep making the put off of what you know needs to be challenged now and defeated. Why be ashamed of things you have to change for the better when in reality it is everyone's challenge, that not one person is perfect in this life.
Do not be discouraged of the slip ups in change, you learn from the fall and get back up stronger, brighter and more full of wisdom, don't let that make you feel you can't do it, that it is more powerful than what you have in you, those feelings are your own darkness lurking over you to make you feel inferior to the greatest achievements that you can do, to see your clear skies once again. Time, years, it is all not of importance to the now, what matters is you focus on the pieces that don't fit anymore and rid of it no matter how hard the struggle is, because with all the belief in you it will be defeated.
Always know and carry your vision of heart with you in battle to changes to visualize it and battle the battles to make that your reality, keep your heart open in the signs of all the changes that come your way to know to not let it fester but to take it on as soon as you feel it. It truly is the greatest, highest of feeling of walking in the clouds as you look back on the things you thought you would never do. To look back on the battle that forever was put off in your own fears, to realize just as before change is your best friend, fear is just an illusion.
