Who put the taboo in dating?

Understanding that once we have lost the truest of love our insides can not even think of wanting another.  This is a subject that is of many differences of opinions.  Many people look to dating as something that should not be done, it is as though widows should always forever hold a shrine to the love that we have lost.  To some extent this is true, our loved ones will always remain with us, memories will never be forgotten.  Your one true love will forever remain, if your like me you will question yourself often "that if you had the best, then why look for someone who will never be"?. 

I do have to admit that I have tried, due to all the wrong reasons, both times I tried failed.  Understand that if you are out there looking for your loved one passed, looking for their qualities, as well as how they loved you is already dooming yourself as well as who ever you meet.  We can not go out into the world in hopes to find our loved one through another, simply due to fact that NO ONE WILL EVER BE THEM, there will only be one, there are no two people alike, unless you have cloned.  Even that don't produce the same qualities as the original.

From the deepest of our hearts we will always wish for that kind of love again, it is normal to want that again, it is normal to want the similarities, why?, of course it is, with our loved ones passed we never been so happy, as well as in love, we had a beautiful life, a history with them.  If they did not leave this world we would still be.  This is something I have always questioned myself about, more so due to the fact that I have a child to think about as well. 

For so many reasons we feel to just give up, giving up is not an option in this life, we suffered the most horrific loss, being unhappy the rest of our life is not the answer. 

I don't like how people put a time frame on this, who are they to put a time frame on anything?, life is unpredictable, through grief there is no time frame, there are no rules, we all do this differently, how long, how fast, is up to us, not statistics. 

Our loved ones would never want us to be miserable, seeing us happy is what helps them to be at ease where they are. 

If your seeking something for all the wrong reasons, to fill a void, then that is something that will always be hurtful to yourself.  However if you are getting a second chance, if you are truly presented to be loved again, that is a blessing to you, something that should be embraced not looked to as it being wrong.  If you are being presented with a second chance, who are you to not want that?, we do not choose love, it chooses us, to get a second chance is a true blessing.  Like it was the first time around, if it was meant to be all unanswered questions, doubts, fears, guilt, will just all disappear, everything will just fall into place.  Your stomach will let you know, your gut feeling will tell you, you will just feel it as well as know it.

Do not put a time frame on anything, this is our life to live, time is time, there is no time put on you building a new life.  Grieving is different for everyone, we all get to where we need to in our own way, at our own pace. 

Being able to be happy with someone again will happen as always when we least expect it.  If we allow ourselves to move forward, it does not mean we are disrespecting our loved ones passed, their love will always remain.  It means we are allowing ourselves to be happy again, we are taking that second chance in life that everyone is given.  To put up a wall around us to forever mourn is like putting our self in prison.  If you can understand that no one will ever be to us what our loved ones passed were to our hearts, that the next person presented to us will  be special in their own ways to us, then that is how you truly understand what second chances are for, why they are given to us.  Everyone comes into our lives for a reason. 

If it truly was meant to be, the next person will always embrace your memories, your hard days, they will understand that they are not in competition nor trying to "fill the shoes".  They will be there to just truly be with you, to show you that in this life we all are always given a second chance.  Like I said before if this was meant to be, you will find yourself falling in to place.  IT ALL JUST FLOWS. 

Negative feelings need to be conquered by you, life is not meant to be miserable, we are all here to live our life, to be happy, to live our life to the fullest.  This all does not mean we need to date to be happy, this all means that if you are presented with a chance that it is NOT TABOO, it is a blessing to have yet again another chance. 

If your reading this in hopes to see how many months?, how many years?, you won't see that, time is time, don't limit yourself to believing there is a time frame.  Do not throw away your second chance for the fact it's too early,it's too soon, things happen for a reason, not on schedule, or by schedule.  I honestly believe when presented with a second chance that he will be the one picked to fit me, to fit my life with my daughter, picked by my one true love passed, brought in my life from him.  Specifically picked for me.

Death is not the end for our loved ones passed, it is a beginning to their souls, their spirit.  A guardian to our lives, believe that their love always touches our lives, they are the working force to help fulfil us here on earth.  So laugh to those who frown upon dating, they are the ones that hold themselves hostage in their life.  Smile knowing that you are living your life to the fullest, your not living in fears, to be fearless is how we live our dreams.  Living out of your boundaries is to truly sulk in your dreams, in your life. 

To those who put labels on everything, label their life.  Life is to be lived freely, to send out love as well as receive it back.

Closing yourself down closes your life down, it closes your eyes, we can not walk in this life closed up, we will never be able to embrace the beauty all around, the truest of blessings that come our way.

NOTE TO ALL:  Living life is love, so who is to say that love is TABOO?

Love yourself, love every chance you get that comes your way, love others with all you have.  We only get one life, not one chance.  Remember our loved ones passed are always working to make sure we have the best possible life.  They are the working force in our hearts, as well as life.  They know what fits us perfectly, they know us perfectly.  Our loved ones passed are truly the working force in our lives that we can not see yet know they are there.  We are not put here in this world to be miserable, we are put here for a purpose, it is up to us to live it, to find it, to be it, thank you Oprah for teaching me this.  Once you find the purpose everything will fall into place as need be.  Life is to give along with receive love, it is part of how life is suppose to be.  I said before, when it happens you will know.  The beauty in it is, you will know.  Grieving is never done, it is something we will carry with us the rest of our lives, it is how we learn to deal with it is what counts.

LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE, three words as I LOVE YOU is three words.

 

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Being a Caregiver

BEING A CAREGIVER:  THE MOST DIFFICULT ROLE WE WILL EVER HAVE TO FACE

Like being a mother, when your child is born your natural mother instincts click in.  Becoming a caregiver is some what of the same, if you are truly in love with your spouse.  If you should ever have to bare the role, like becoming a mother, your natural care giving instincts click in.  Although like being a mother there are no manuals to being a caregiver, no instructions are supplied to you when you become a caregiver. 

Wow lots of emotions as well as thoughts are flowing through me, that I do not know where to start.

If you were like me you would of never liked hearing someone tell you "how strong you are, that they don't know how you do it"  in all actuality you don't want to be remembered as this HERO that took care of their sick spouse, it's not what we could of imagined where we would end up.  Also to add to the fact that if any one person was presented with the role, if truly in love they as well could do it.  I never wanted to be looked at as if I was miraculous for what I was doing, further more going through.  It was not my intention to be looked at as a inspiration to others, inside I was so tore apart, full of pain. 

If you have been a caregiver, if you are right now or know of anyone who is, I want you to understand to NOT waste what precious time left with your spouse on when the end will be.  This I've come to realise was what consumed all of such little time that I had left to truly take in all of my husband.  To just not care about the worries, to just be all there with him, to feel his love, to see maybe for just a second a smile, whether the times were painful, to just be able to suck it all in.  Although the shattered feeling we feel as we stand by watching our one truest of love getting worse, realise it's a blessing to just be happy that you have that extra day to look in to their eyes, to have them yet for another day to just love them with all that we have.

Being a caregiver is a job no one should ever have to take on, if you have then there is NOT anything you can not do in this life.  My suggestion to anyone would be to reach out to all that you can for support as well as help.  During my days of being a caregiver I realised to not try to be super woman, to let in anyone I could to help with my husband as well as myself.  Hospice played a big role in our lives, understanding how hard it is to let strangers in your life, along with trusting them to the one most important person in your life.  I'M FOREVER THANKFUL TO HOSPICE.

HOWEVER I will not ever get how a book full of pamphlets will ever help a person to realise what was in store for them soon.  this to me has struck a nerve deep in me, our society truly has no understanding how to deal with people who are about to lose a spouse.  There is not ENOUGH OF ANYTHING you could read that will ever prepare you nor anyone.  All  I want everyone to know is to NOT LET THE END OF LIFE consume there every thoughts, salvage every second, every minute, every hour of every day that you have left with your spouse.  There is not anything you will find that will help you understand.  This I will tell you, skin colour, large eye pupils as well as a crackling noise while breathing (known as death rattle) are the signs that the end is near.  As painful as this is to type, I'm here to help anyone I can, if you are reading this and know of someone or if you are the someone do not search your heart out wasting time on being able to find "what are the signs of the end of ones life".

-Skin colour-grey.
-Eye pupils almost as big as the eyes.
-Breathing-crackling noise while breathing known as the death rattle.

I type this in hopes it will help those who are desperate to find answers.  To all reading do not let fear take you over, don't waste time left with your spouse searching for answers that are never more important than just being there with your spouse. 

After being a caregiver the things you have been through stay with you, no matter how long it has been, you will still always remember like it was yesterday.  My advice is simply remember it all, leave all regrets behind, there was nothing you could of done better, if you loved them each day towards the end of their life, then that is ALL they needed, that they felt it as well as knew it.  If you are deeply submersed in the memories of the last of your spouses life, TALK ALOUD about it all to anyone, getting it out allows the pain to exit your body.  Most of all SHED all regrets, there was absolutely nothing more or wrong that you could of done.  Your love was all that was needed as well as felt.  I say this all knowing that every caregiver in some way feel regret, understanding it is for the only reason we could not save our spouse.

-Let go of regret.
-Talk as much as you can of what it is you are remembering.
-Replace that terrified feeling with feeling of love that you shared with your spouse.

Looking back I've come to realise that not to fear what will take place as your loved one takes their last breath because being able to be with them in their last moments in this world is a blessing, being able to be with them to whisper in their ear " I love you", being with them by their side as they leave this world to go in to a world of PURE LOVE is not an ending, yet another beginning to their soul.  Your loved ones may not be able to be seen no longer yet still will always be with you through the love you both have created together.

NOTE TO ALL:  Leave all questions unanswered, there will never be answers for the questions you ask.  Our body I can honestly see now will never let us take on more than we can handle.  The endless nights of no sleep, combined with all we do as a caregiver has proved to me just how much of a miracle our bodies are in this life we live.  True love truly conquers all, along with that it NEVER ENDS, not even after death.  On April 16th 2011 me and my husband were married, although together 12 years, being married for under a month, I knew what the out come would be, painful as it was I was so proud to be a bride, to be his wife, even after he left this world I still am, always will be.  So ask yourself what is the one thing that makes you proud, even though it was painful.

 

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I am where I am supposed to be

OPRAH DREAMING COMING TRUE

A FELLOW WIDOW IN THE AUDIENCE PROVED TO ME I WAS MEANT TO BE WHERE I AM:

So here we go, I was told from a woman of great wisdom Janet Auty-Carlisle (mybestlifecoach) before writing to start with the one thing that came to mind.  First thing that sprung to mind was DREAM.  Starting from Friday April 13 2012, leading to Monday April 16 2012 it was all that and more than a DREAM.  All I kept thinking to myself be “I can’t believe I am here”.  I always knew dreams were ours to make come true; to actually live in it was more than proof to me as well as others around me.  Right now, right here I must say to everyone, never give up on what you believe in as well as what you dream.  If you can think it, see it, and then it’s there for you to live it.  As you all know I’ve been a widow for 11 months, which has led to start this blog for everyone out there who has become a widow/widower, to use my experiences to help others.

Friday April 13^th was the start of a dream that I never gave up on, that I never stopped believing would come true.  Friday was a day of over flowing gratitude.  Thanks to my beautiful brother, all of what happened was due to him pushing me out of my comfort zone to a place where I truly shined.  This was how our road trip started to Toronto; this is the reason why I float in the clouds to this day.  I guess it’s time to tell what it was that made us travel to Toronto.

So it all starts with being invited by OWN-OWNCANADA NETWORK to attend a lovely Tea Party at Fairmont Hotel in Toronto.  Hearing after only a few selected due to the fact of being a Oprah fan as well as most being bloggers.  The Tea Party took place a day before Oprah’s Life Class on Monday April 16^th.  Did you all see that correctly?  OPRAH, I went to see Oprah’s Life Class in Toronto, her first visit to Canada as well as her largest Life Class ever.  Joining her was Deep-ak Chopra, which I must say I LOVE and that’s putting it lightly, it doesn’t stop there.  Joining them was Tony Robbins, Iyanla Vanzant, as well as Bishop Jakes.  This to me is not the only thing that excited me beyond belief, it was also being able to meet the beautiful, amazing people that have enhanced my life so much, being able to meet OwnAmbassadors, a group that strives in helping growing OWN.  I cannot express enough how these people have helped me in every aspect of my life, from grieving to just knowing that TRUE BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIPS EXIST. 

As I sat in my seat at the Tea Party looking around the room seeing it full of truly amazing people, it was to my realization just how far I have grown.  Years ago I was not the same person I was right there in that moment.  I was in such awe that I was sitting there with people of such great significance.  That moment was when I realized my first A HA MOMENTS over the next day’s ahead.  It was then I realized I was not at all out of my comfort zone, I WAS IN MY COMFORT ZONE.  I had to make sure to take absolutely everything in, to absorb each along with every second of all that was around me.  This is where I truly recognized that the road I’ve been on through grieving has opened up new doors to who I was, how traveling down this road has led me to so many new chapters of my life.  In times of tremendous pain you can find the brightest of things if you allow yourself to find it.  Losing your spouse you lose your life as well, its realizing the new life you build to open oh so many beautiful beginnings if you allow yourself to rise above the pain.  So finding out later after the Tea Party the Toronto News was there, then leading to seeing myself on T.V was another many of moments I realized just how blessed that weekend truly was.  After Tea some of us OwnAmbassadors spent supper together.  Being in the presence with these people truly proved to myself this was exactly where I should be.  Not ever meeting once before this in person you would of never guessed it by seeing how truly we embraced one another, through good conversation, to a lot of laughs.  It all just flowed proving each of our lives was meant to cross paths, that we as well belonged to each and everyone’s life for a reason. 

May I mention how I probably will through this entire story how my brother graciously spent his time walking the streets of Toronto doing his own thing alone, all due to the fact that he was simply there to allow me to attend this all?  If not for him this dream would not be at all.  Also to mention NO SLEEP was acquired through this all, as anticipation along with excitement built each day until Monday the 16^th would finally be upon us.
 
Let me just say how my world here in Windsor Ontario was rudely disrupted in finding how fast paced as well as HUGE Toronto was and felt to me.  Being in Windsor all my life led me to believe it was a big place to be, noticing there will always be a bigger, busier City out there in this world.  This is where I realized that as bad as I may of felt out of my comfort zone, that I was truly in my comfort zone, that putting your fears to rest is how you then start to live out of your boundaries, sulking in your dreams.  As being a person who always hid from her fears, seeing that person no longer exists was enough for me, then realizing it is through your fears you conquer your dreams was a confirmation of it all.  That no longer I was who I was before, that grieving has led me to see all of this.  If you know me then you know just how much I have grown.  Oprah has been the teacher to all of this.  In a way Oprah has been my teacher, my mentor, the wisdom behind what I’ve come to see I had all along.  I just never listened to myself; I never took the time to hear what it was that I was meant to do.  Thirty-four years later I found it, I’ve opened up to it all, losing my husband has led me to this.  His gift to me was finding myself, finding my passion, my purpose that is the greatest gift of all to give anyone.  So yes I suffered a great loss, yet it was his true unconditional love that has placed me here.  It is through him I have found the courage to live my life to the fullest.  It is also because of Oprah that I have opened my eyes truly; she is changing lives for the better around the world each as well as every day.  Oprah is creating friendships of the truest in this world, becoming a smaller world as people unite together to form love, respect, along with bonds that will last a life time.

Monday would be soon upon us, sleep was nowhere to be found the night before, as I layed eyes wide open in huge anticipation.  Having to start my day at 5:30am was nowhere near a problem to me after falling asleep at 4:00am.  Attending the morning of Life Class meant an extra early start.  Lack of sleep was no worries to me considering that day was the day I fought for so hard, for quite a long time.  While awakening I thought of my husband, it was our wedding anniversary day as well.  I knew in my heart it was of his love the reason I was there.  It was his gift of believing in me so much that pushed me to strive for that all I wanted.  His strong belief in me has projected through me very strongly.  Our daughter with all her pure love gives me all the strength I need to strive for it all, to live our dreams and shine.
 
Excited to find out after thinking I would be the only OwnAmbassador attending morning class Julie as well would be attending morning class.  This only confirmed how once something is meant to be everything else just falls in to place.  Our morning was about to embark on something so amazing, such of a true blessing that even you all will agree.  Something that put us all in a state of speechlessness and awe that happened along the way to Oprah’s Life Class.  Reminding you all that this day was my wedding anniversary day, my husband I believe blessed us this day where ever he may have been.  This is where I truly believe once you are where you are meant to be everything else just closes in, as putting pieces of a puzzle together.  Chatting it up as well as much laughing we realize we were going the wrong way however for some reason not one ounce of stress entered our bodies.  Just complete joy was all around us, nothing could shake us.  This is when I noticed how once you are living your dreams that it never ends.  Once you start to unfold your dreams is when the dreams become endless.  My brother yet again planned to just hang around Toronto allowing me to live my dream, also being without ticket.  As we come to say our good byes until later Julie strolled over to put her coffee in the garbage glancing at the mailbox next to the garbage, as I noticed the look on her face I approached her to find her jaw on the ground as she held on to a ticket for Oprah’s Life Class that stuck out of the mailbox.  Looking at this ticket over and over again in pure shock we come to see that YES IT IS REAL, IT IS VALID, IT IS FOR MORNING CLASS.  It was in that moment I think we realized just how the glorious of things do really happen.  This allowed my brother to accompany us to Oprah’s Life Class, still as I type this I cannot believe how everything just fell into place as needed.

The next five hours were again a feeling as though I was in a dream, like I’ve felt multiple times over the two days of our trip, from Tea Party to Oprah’s Life Class.  Deep-ak Chopra, Tony Robbins, Iyanla Vanzant, Bishop Jakes along with the one and only Oprah all took the stage right before my eyes.  I sat in my seat wondering if I really was there, looking to the crowd that went on for aisles and aisles.  Oprah’s beauty along with love shined brighter than the sun and all the stars together.  This is where I am going to leave you all reading this in suspense until the next post, describing all of A HA MOMENTS, to tears, as well as Oprah along with her power housed team that spoke to another fellow widow in the audience.  STAY TUNED YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT IS COMING NEXT  AS A WIDOW I COULD NOT BELIEVE, IT WAS AS THOUGH THIS CLASS WAS PRIVATELY FOR ME AND EVERY WIDOW OUT THERE.

Dreams are ours for the making; we just have to be the ones to make them happen, to believe with everything in us that we can do it, that we can achieve the highest of all through anything.  Big dreams don’t hold you back from achieving them; you do if you let fear take over.

To OwnAmbassadors I have met, you have touched my heart deeply, you all will remain in my heart always, and our bond is growing strong.  To OwnAmbassadors I have yet to meet, you all as well are in my heart, our bond will continue to grow and one day we will meet that is for sure.  OWN-OWNCANADA NOTHING TO SAY EXCEPT I LOVE YOU.  OPRAH I thank you from the deepest of my heart and soul for truly loving us, for bringing your wisdom to the world to make a better, brighter place.

 

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Stay Beautiful and Maintain Who You Are

In the hardest darkest of your pain it is up to us to push ourselves forward.  Through the toughest of times I kept myself up.  I kept myself doing my hair, doing my make-up, dressing, all things that made me feel good.  Understanding while reading this your saying “yea easier said than done” no actually I’ve been there; I’m living the grieving journey as I type.  Through my experiences that I’ve been through I send them out to all of you.  So you can use what I have done to your knowledge.  So you too can see that if I been there, done it, then you as well can to, I’m no more special than any of you.  If we strive to make it through, WE MAKE IT.

My days are not always good, I still have the tears as well as pain, and I’m not here to say I’m fully through it.  I’m here to share to all of what I’ve taken in to reach out to all of you and your hearts.

Things that helped me while juggling pain, tears, darkness, tremendous aching of my heart:  making yourself feel good radiates from within yourself out.  Do the hair, the make-up, do the nails, get dressed even though not going nowhere, this still helps you from within yourself out.  While doing all of this our mind eases up, letting us focus on something else other than the pain.  You also start to notice if you can do this other small tasks to the biggest of tasks can be done, baby step, by baby step.

DO NOT let others relate victim to widow, you are not a victim of any circumstances; you are the HERO to all of your stories.  We widows need others to see that being a widow is not of our choosing, that being a widow does not mean we are neither bitter nor emotionless. 

I ask of all of you to ask yourself what it is that makes you feel the littlest of happy.  Think of what it was that gave you that tickle in your belly.  From that one little feeling you feel while thinking of it, use it to push you forward, use it to help you motivate.  Soon enough you will start to see that you can do it, you can make it through the days.  Widows need to show the world we to got our DIVA SWAGGER, that being a widow doesn’t mean we gave up, it means we are building to a new improved new life. 

There are so many things that progress on our path of grieving but it’s in all of us as well as up to us to see the light from a far.  Through the starting a new you find things you thought were never there, this builds to a new, strong confidence.  So maybe in the start of it all none of this is recognized.   Soon enough as you start making it day by day things start to appear, your eyes start to open to all of the beauty that surrounds you.  What I’m trying to say is in the beginning you’re so consumed of pain that your hopes get smothered by the pain, but your hopes are still there, they never leave you.  Allow yourself to understand that although right now you feel hopeless that in time your pain can no longer out do your hopes.

For me I always made myself go for a walk, to prove to myself there is still a world out there, that it did not stop for me, that people were still living their life that maybe the one person getting into their car to run errands could very well possibly be grieving to.  So if they kept on with their life, I could do it as well.  However all walking with grief should walk with ease, be gentle as well as taking the time to be present. 

Do not ever get frustrated if you have not completed what you were supposed to because by the end of the day you should be proud of the fact that you have made it through yet another day of grieving.  If you have gotten up, did yourself up as well as got dressed then you have conquered more than you know. 

NOTE TO ALL:  Nails did, make-up done, hair done, dressed, checked to all equals all that you need to worry about if need be for that day.  By seeing our outside looking good our inside feels good to.  Notice others in the world, take note that they see you you’re not invisible; you are also not EVER ALONE.  We all put the sexy back in widow, being a widow proves to all that there is nothing we cannot make it through.  Say “so what” to the title and keep on being beautiful as you were, as you are still.  WIDOW=STRONG.  Once you realized that you are making it through the toughest of all, you then start knowing there is not one thing that can be any worse than what you have faced.

 

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How to celebrate your loved one

 

WHAT WE DID TO GET BY: CELEBRATING YOUR LOVED ONE EVEN THOUGH THEIR NOT HERE

THROUGH HOLIDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, BIRTHDAYS ETC

So from the beginning of the horrific path of terminal illness I was walking through with my husband, I always kept in mind our little girl.  It was one of my truest of passions; to make sure she maintained happiness no matter what darkness surrounded my days as well as nights.  I strived for ideas, for simple of things that I could do to keep her life as normal as could be, as well as happy, with full of love. 

For myself, I was nowhere near feeling ashamed to reach out to my family for help.  When times got tougher as the terminal illness got worse, I asked my Mother along with my Aunt to come stay with me, not only for myself but for our little girl most importantly.  I knew all of my time was being consumed by the most hurtful thing that could have ever happened to us, so having the most important people close to us, with us, was for sure to be of a great significance to the happiness of our little girl.  The one thing I was never ashamed of to do while in my worst of pain was to reach out to ask for help.  My pride never got in the way of me asking for help to feel as well as get better.

I’m sharing this for the reason that this was my first steps in taking to mending our little girls’ heart, surrounding her with the people that love her the most. 

As we walked the road of grieving there were the littlest of things I discovered that we could do, thinking it would be most helpful  for her coming to realizing it was for me as well.  As I spoke of before we started the releasing of balloons with our thoughts attached to it in a note.  Saying our goodnights at night, along with a prayer.  It is not only of great help to children but to us as well, it was a shock to me to find out such little things was of the most helpful to me as well, still is. 

The days keep passing by in this life we live while grieving, so through it I chose of little things to do, to try to ease our pain.  Through it I’ve found so many helpful ideas to mend our hearts as we embarked on to the important days that were of great significance to us as well as our loved one passed.  As his Birthday approached I decided to celebrate it, even though not here his Birthday was still of worth to celebrate.  Through the planning, running around, I realized that is how I and my daughter released our pain, being with his family, loved ones celebrating his life was how we put the dreaded day of missing him in the back of our minds.  All of us gathered together for cake, supper, reminiscing along with all of us letting go of balloons in the back yard, has led us through a day that could have been full of pain instead was full of love.  Something I felt would be such a painful gruesome day was quickly forgotten through love as well as celebration with his family.

From that day on me and my daughter faced the holidays, anniversaries, the many days of significance in the same manner, celebrate not morn.  For Christmas we hung an ornament on our tree in his name, I light a special candle on each and every day I miss him, I purchased a card for anniversaries to fill it with what it was I felt.  Whenever our little girl looks to me with sadness we immediately start reminiscing of her Daddy, for her to hear of the memories they shared brings that sparkle back in her eyes, along with the brightest of smile to her face. 

No matter how odd or out of this world you may think others will think things are that you choose to do, don’t let that change your thoughts.  It is you as well as your ways to deal with your grieving.  We are all different, we do things differently.  It is up to no one else but you to do whatever it may be to get through the toughest of days.  If your loved ones are truly there for you, they too will embrace your ideas to be on board with you.  Do whatever it may be to push you forward, to get yourself through the pain, to get past another day in your grieving journey.  Find your happiness to healing, in whatever it may be to turn your dreaded days into total brightness, look for the light in the darkness you face.  Always remember it is truly of the littlest things that brings us happiness and light.

Note to all:  Most of all always remember our child/children need to always feel comfort, happiness as well as reassurance.  If for anyone it’s for them we must keep a happy, positive upbringing, along with environment.  They feel what we feel so it is up to us to mend their pain, to let them know we will get through this; we will find happiness and hope ALWAYS

 

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Explaining death to your child/children

 SIMPLE GESTURES TO COMFORT THEM

Your body truly gives you a miracle when your loved one just passes away, to feel complete and utter numbness.  This is the body’s gift to you; I honestly see that now looking back on it all.  Numbness to make it through moments that no person should ever have to face.  From wills, to funeral arrangements, to watching your loved one be set to rest, it is a true blessing that in that time we feel complete numbness throughout our body, heart and soul. 

The one truly painful of all is to have to bring your voice to speak the words to your child/children that their parent has passed away.  Old or young this will never be easy to say or be heard.  Having to say this to a little child is no different to a teenager or adult. 

The final moments have gone by, the signing of papers to release my one true love to a funeral home.  All I could think of was my little girl, how blessed I was that I had her, she was all of my reason to move forward.  The only thing I could think of was to hug her, kiss her, and then I realized what it was I had to say to her.  Her Daddy was the proudest Father of his little girl, now I was faced to tell her that her Daddy was no longer here, no longer alive.  Thinking of ways to tell her this I remembered stories told to me by so many people whose parents that were not at all honest with their child/children like; “your parent is gone away”, “your parent left us”, “your parent is just asleep for a while”, “your parent is gone away to work for a while”, or to simply nothing at all.  From these stories I remember that all that came from these lies was a life time grudge, that for their whole entire life they never forgave their parent for not telling the truth. 

So as I was on my way home to my daughter I knew no matter how hard it was what I owed to her heart was to speak the truth, just as I have from the beginning.  I made sure from the beginning of her Father’s sickness she knew that he may not get better, that he may have to one day go be with Jesus in Heaven, to be our Angel, that if he did he would always love us and be with us, not to be seen but through his love.  Kids are little people they know, they feel as well as understand, they just need to be told the truth the best way that we can tell them. 

Sitting down with her in a quiet room down to her eye level looking in to her eyes I told her, as hard as it was, as painful as it felt, in the best way I could, I told her.  My daughter has always been good with talking to me, sharing her feelings with me.  I always made sure she could do that with me.  From that day forward she knew whatever it was she felt to just come to me, to let me know.  If it was she missed her daddy, if she felt sad, angry or just missing him, she always did.  No matter how hard it was I embraced her, I embraced her feelings.  Even when the pain is so unbearable we have to let our child/children speak of their pain as well. 

One day I decided that we should start letting go balloons with a note attached whenever she wanted to let her daddy know something.  Something so little like this can bring healing to you even little by little.  I noticed at the cemetery this little gesture helped tremendously, she smiled bright as the balloon went in to the clouds, it was at that moment I seen a sparkle in her eyes, that was when I knew she too was on her way to healing.  That in her heart she was starting to feel the pain evapourate.  It sometimes is the simplest of things that help mend our broken hearts.

Note to all:  This blog post took all it had in me to relive.  Many sentences left me with tears.  We all have it in us to get through the toughest of times.  If I did it right now, right here, you all can too.

A LITTLE RITUAL THAT HELPED TREMENDOUSLY:  Each night before we would lie to sleep me and my little girl would always say our goodnights to him.  Saying “goodnight daddy”, followed by a simple yet to the point prayer “I love daddy, daddy loves me, God bless daddy and God bless me.  Je t’aime beacoup daddy”, since he was French and always said this to her before he went to sleep when he was with us.

Through the little gestures that work for us they seem so much more than little gestures that help us move toward healing, to help the pain ease up a little.  Whatever it is for all of you find the little things that work for you.

 

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