Letter From a Twenty-two Year Old

Letter from a 22 Year Old

 

My Handsome Froggy

 

My Life changed the day I looked into your eyes, that was the day I found out that dreams were actually real, that they do come true.  I thought my life was cursed when it came to relationships but you proved that was wrong the day you touched my heart.

 

I know you feel how much I am grateful for you, if you feel the love as I do.  I close my eyes at night knowing when I wake up it is you that I will see.  If anyone else, I would never want to wake up.  My heart, my soul, my spirit, all spell out your name and long for your gentle touch. 

 

I just can’t believe my heart can love as much as it does for you.  Without you my heart cannot function.  My heart could never love another in life; it only beats as one with yours.  I never want anyone but you, my true, strong, unconditional beloved.  Froggy my heart and all I have will always want to be with and love you.  You are my dream I have dreamed of since a little girl.  That man who rescues you from all bad.   Your my froggy I kissed and turned into a prince (ha ha ha)

 

I love you so much; I will always be here with you for you.  Love me.

written 13 years ago

 

This was my 22 year old self writing a letter to my husband passed after just moving into our apartment together for the first time.  Froggy yes that is a word I sometimes called him, for the reason of kissing a frog and finding your prince charming.  Just recently it has been two years since he has passed and thought of the impact of this letter that it had on me on the day I found it going through things, to see he kept this for so long made me smile to know it definitely stayed with his heart.

 

 

 

As I looked down at his resting place remembering memories, remembering how in the note I said “I could never live without him” I realised here I am without him, yet still breathing, still smiling, some days maybe hard yet here I was striving through my days, opening doors to things never thought of, making a life full of abundance, joy, dream catching, unconditional love.  I knew why it was this way, why I was still thriving, it was because I knew our love never left to go anywhere, our place we share of love never left.  I understood that in this life I am living he is not seen but felt, he is all around me in the empty space I breathe, he is all around me being my guidance, my strength, my guardian, where he is now there are things that are of essence he can reach that could not here on earth. 

 

On this day it was felt just as it did the day I lost him, every year it is felt the exact same way, yet things are done differently as you go along, things are celebrated to their life, the feeling of that loss will never feel any different than it did the day you lost them, it’s the in between of it all you yourself finds a place for that pain, in that space you find more and more of the strength you carry in each, every moment of times of significances to you along with your loved ones passed.  You understand “yes the pains of the important dates are with you, yet it doesn’t ever interfere with that special place you hold your unconditional love you share.  It’s in the tears that fall that soon remind you it is not tears where you share your love.   Sometimes you can even find yourself smiling in knowing that the love you share is brighter than pain that tries to invade that space.  On this day I played his favorite songs, remembered his smile, the joy the music brought  to his face, I remembered us, I remembered the love that was the force field to all pain, negativity, darkness that lingered trying to invade.

 

 

 

 

In it all in all actuality you find two very special places in you, the place where you share your unconditional love, the place where you store as well as feel the pain.  In both areas never do they collide.  Pain tries to invade that sacred place but diminishes in time as fast as it tried to creep in.  Try to understand that when you miss them that they are with you, although you miss their presence just know it is their soul you are connected to.

Each anniversary, special moment, holiday, it is always going to feel like just yesterday you lost them but know in that place you share your unconditional love is where the magic happens.  Yes the hardest of it all is missing their presence, their smile, their being with you, yet through that all the most of importance is their soul that always hugs your hurt, lights up your world, brightens your light. 

It is hard to not feel that pain yet that pain never really lasts long due to the special place of love you have within you for your loved one passed, soon after the pain subsides to let you know “yes, yes it is our love that takes on that battle to win each and every time.  In our pain it is known to be seen the most of magical things if you allow your whole being find your light, love, happiness in the place you lost it.  Don’t mistake the places you hold in you of your sacred place of love with where you hold the place of pain.

 

 

A poem I found that spoke to my heart deeply

 

Hugs From Heaven

by Anonymous

When you feel a gentle breeze
Caress you when you sigh
It's a hug sent from Heaven
From a loved one way up high

If a soft and tender raindrop
... Lands upon your nose
They've added a small kiss
As frail as a rose

If a song you hear fills you
With a feeling of sweet love
It's a hug sent from Heaven
From someone special up above

If you awaken in the morning
To a bluebird's chirping song
It's music sent from Heaven
To cheer you all day long

If tiny little snowflakes
Land upon your face
It's a hug sent from Heaven
Trimmed with Angel lace

So keep the joy in your heart
If you're lonely my dear friend
Hugs that are sent from Heaven
A broken heart will mend

 

 

 

On this day of two years I remember how it was just the same on the one year mark, I remembered how my heart shattered on the day I lost my husband passed the memories never faded still crystal clear as the day it happened.  Although each year the space where I store my pain stays there, I take my deep breath, look around grab in that pain the new piece of strength as well as knowledge, move forward to reaching into to the sacred place where we share our love to hold on to that spot.  I stand in my light, I know beside me my light shines brighter each year shared with my husband passed. 

I remember each year I have always picked myself up each and every time I fell to understand unconditional love is a gift, in it lays magic to your soul, your life, your heart.  Pain yes is unbearable yet switching sides to your sacred place turns off the switch but yet sends to your thoughts what is you needed to gain while you felt that pain allowing you to step further and further ahead stronger and stronger each time.  That day I remembered how it was the day I was blessed with unconditional love, I remembered all of him, I remembered how bright his soul was, how it was his soul that what was truly who he was, who he is.

Each significant factor in our life together I remember to take those moments to live them out still, even if just me I know not far from it all my husband passed smiles knowing I still celebrate things he loved doing here on earth.  Through the love I feel the warmth in me; I feel my heart beat in tune with his.  Empty space is not empty space; it is your loved ones passed all around in that empty space we cannot see.  Breathe in that empty space and smile.

 

 

 

NOTE TO ALL:  Find it in you to know the difference between the spaces we keep our sacred love and where we keep the pain, known in your heart that the pain always will give to you a piece of strength as well as knowledge each time you feel it, the pain can never take up that sacred place of unconditional love where your loved ones lay in you.  It's through it all your light flickers to become one with the love you share.  Their light continues on in you shinning to the very ends of the world, letting all know unconditional love lies within you.