From old Memories to New

As I talked about before in my story of my husband passed today is one of those days that I find lots of memories going through my mind, so tonight I decide to type out a memory of us.  For the last couple days our little girl has been talking as well as missing her daddy, I know for me I still miss everything about us, our life, our home, our future, and our dreams.  As hard as it may be you cannot shut off what your child is missing just as though you miss as well.  Yes through these last couple days it is a moment where in all of you just shatter to see the same look in your child’s eyes as you do in your own.  It’s not about discarding those feelings they have, as the same as when we feel the hurt, as hard as it may be it is you to represent as a mother and the loved ones passed, it is up to you now to represent the love that you lost to the child you bare.  There is no magic button to make it go away, no words to mend the hurt; you just gather your strength to find the way to comfort their hearts that hurt from time to time as yours does as well.  So for our little girl I remembered many moments that her daddy had put the biggest smile on her face.

I looked to her to see right in her eyes to tell her “your daddy loves you bigger than the sky” as he always would say, I told her “you cannot see him but he is all around you, part of him is in her, that his love is always with us, that now he is making sure both of us will be happy, that he will always be with us unseen yet felt and known”.  So in those moments of memories I put a song on for us to sing to that always put a smile on our faces, we sang, we danced. 

I told her a story that to this day still makes me understand just how great of love they both shared.   The days of carrying her in my stomach he was so excited every day for her to come into this world, I remember him always saying “I know she wants out of there, she wants to be out here with us, that the room she had was all taken up and he couldn’t wait for her to be here”.   Through the days of carrying our little girl my husband passed worked late hours, as I lay restless trying to get comfortable in bed with this big belly in the morning hours of five am no matter how comfortable I finally got and slept she would always rustle and bustle so much in my belly around the same time, as though a party was happening in my belly.  In those hours of finally getting comfortable and sleeping it was always the exact moment her daddy come home from work, before hearing his voice it is as though she knew that was the time he would be home.  As he held my belly the party in my belly became more, as if though she was telling her daddy “I’m so excited your home, I missed you while you were gone”. 



 

The smile and glow on his face was something money could never buy, the pride along with love in his heart of the bond that was already set was something words could never fully explain.  Looking in his eyes I just knew this bond glued with such love was beyond this world, today I know that to be true, where ever he may be his exact love for his little girl remains all around her.  A song that plays on the radio clicks with our little girl about fire flies, when it comes on she always says it reminds her of her daddy.  She says they light up the sky like her daddy does.  In the moment of her missing him telling me she misses him that song started to play.  She smiled so big, all this going on the song, the talking of memories of her daddy, the dancing, the singing, than the song playing was as though through it all we could feel his love closer to us than ever.

In the memories I was telling her I could remember a moment of her and her dad at night chasing fire flies all over the place so freely with big smiles and no care in the world, that in those moments that was as though they were in a place of great love, that nothing else around them was there except love, fire flies and huge smiles, as each fire fly lit up my daughter smiles along with laughed every time she saw the glow and jumped for the clouds to touch them, her father right beside her looking to her like she was the only person in the world in those moments.  In that moment I remembered the song about fire flies and understood she remembered that memory to connect it with the song.  Coincidence you think that in her hurting moment of time that song played?   For me I say not at all, through the littlest of things lays the love of messages of our loved ones passed, for her that was her moment of comfort, in that moment for me more love than ever was felt, that in my heart I am not in this alone, I represent us both, our love as family is there, my husband passed may not be seen but his love will always be there for us in our time of need.  As fast as the hurt came on it was eased with the love we all shared as a family even though one may be unseen.

Through the memories brings to life the love that is all around us, in those moments I could feel our love stronger than ever holding us together heart to heart, soul to soul.  I asked her after the fire fly story what else she could remember, she told me she remembered the times she use to follow her daddy around wanting to play with his tools, just as he did while working on cars, she remembered the countless drives he took with her, for her, to get her a slurpee, her oh so many nights of cravings to have that slurpee, her father each and every time never once no matter what told her no.  As she talked of the memories my heart gleamed of nothing but love to know just how special of a love we all had together as one, that even as small as she was those memories were so vivid to her to this day making me understand just how powerful of love can be.  I looked to her as she smiled telling me “even though I can’t see daddy I feel him with me when I remember the best times we had together”.  So through the pain each as well as every time it occurs it is just as fast it can be turned to a point of love, love is always the eraser to the pain that lurks in our hearts from time to time.  That through it together there is always enough strength in you to get through the moments our child feel the impact of grief, words spoken from the heart bring out the strength of that love lost to life, not to be seen but felt more and more through the memories you keep in the most sacred of places in you.

 

 

So in the midst of the memories I looked to my little girl to see in her eyes that special spark that had faded during the pain, that’s when I knew another moment of grief was conquered through love.  It may not ever be over but through the ties of special love it will make it right, through our love it will make the hard times lift to the sky, leaving us to breath, smile and remember in our hearts just how strong our love is.  So taking the old to the new in that moment I held my little girls hand, went outside in the rain, jumped in the puddles and chased those fire flies.  It was in that moment you just knew in your heart our loved one passed was right there beside us laughing, smiling, loving, knowing in the moment was a new moment created from the love of the old one. 

After the puddles, the getting wet, we dried up and went to a place that our daughter still loves, a place that is all SLURPEE, yes we sure did we walked together watching the fire flies still to the store to get her favourite, a good ole slurpee, in remembrance of her daddy and his forever love for the apple of his eye, our beautiful little girl.  Many would say don’t hold on to the past but it’s different when you bring it forward to honor the great memories of love that held on to you for so long, that stayed in the sacred place we put them.  It is through the pain you find your ways to re-create all the things that has brought a smile to you as well as your heart with your loved ones passed.  Taking the old yet making it a new.  Honor the memories to know in the re-creating is where you bring to life that love to be at its strongest.  In our hearts it will always be, in the pain it is in our hearts we find our ways.  Embrace the pain because in it all is your silver lining to the love that binds you all even though one may be no longer.

The memories are never ending; the love that carries those memories is never ending.  Our child lost just as strongly as we did, making sure no matter how shattered you may feel that the strength is always in your heart to embrace them to help them through what it is you feel oh so many times in grief.  It’s not to be ignored they too have to face their grief or it will linger to never be eased, it will forever cast a shadow if it goes unseen leaving you forever in the pain.  In our hearts there will always be a way to find that pain to see the silver lining of love in our hearts where we carry the love of our loved ones passed.  No matter what, no matter where, the love that you made shall always shine onto your pain to break the darkness it casts over your heart.  It's in the hard work you find your smile, life is not easy, no one ever said it was, Grief is of the hardest work you will ever know of, yet that work needs to be done, through it is pieces of your shattered being making you whole as you were just before the pain struck.  It's the work that needs to be seen, it needs to be done, grief is never done so neither is our work.  In that work is where you will find your strength, unconditional love, most of all it will be where you find that sparkle in your child's eyes even stronger than before.  Embrace the work because in it is your blessings of life.

 

NOTE TO ALL:  Grief is like a ball of string, you start at one end and wind. Then the ball slips through your fingers and rolls across the floor. Some of your work is undone but not all. You pick it up and start over again, but you never have to begin again at the end of the string. The ball never completely unwinds. You’ve made some progress. -Author Unknown ~

 

 

 

 

Read More

Evil vs Good

 

 



So as I type this it is very hard for me to keep balanced, after some issues that have happened that proved truly to my whole being that out there is still some truly evil, hateful people, that now more than ever is the time to keep your strength allow your light to remain bright to not let the dark dim it in any way.   Last night as we did our show there were horrible of many negative people invading our space, today I still feel the hateful words, the hate that actually invaded our space of love, inspiration and positive.  Sometimes in life we have to realise that not all are of what we are, that out there in this world there is hate, and hate that we hoped we would have thought would never end up at our door step.  We have to understand that in the life we are building full of unconditional love that sometimes that beauty attracts those that have not found their way yet, that in all that they are aware of in their now is hate, that all they know better is the darkness that keeps them hostage, not knowing the light can be their own as well.  Some just don’t want to accept the light, to that I say is scary, that is why it so important to always, always keep your light shining bright no matter what, even after all that has been happening and flowing into my life this little bit of darkness has totally knocked my world a tad off balance.

It is up to us yes carry out into this world with the purpose we carry in our hearts with love yet at the same time we need to understand that not all see it the same way, that to be the opposite they carry the dark.  It is in us all to hold on tight to our unconditional love we carry to know darkness never ever can invade our light for long if we understand our light within shines out far more brighter than the darkness that tries to get in.  Now is our time to embrace all of the light we see of others around to join them in our times of need.  The reflection of all our light combined will one day prove to the darkness that they too can shine, that in that darkness they are a prisoner not even noticing due to living the life they believed was the way it should be.  “Haters always will hate”, may seem like just a saying but oh so true, not something that will ever go away until those find it in themselves to see they to carry the purpose to shine bright out in the world as they see so many that do.  If you are like me than when the times of darkness invade it crashes hard into your world leaving a dent in it for a tad while before you pick yourself back up to know that the light in you is far more stronger than anything negative that wants to keep you down.

After the weeks and weeks of flowing amazingness that was happening in my life I knew it was bound to happen as life is never perfect, that to challenge my all these darkness’s come by from time to time to test the good that you do, that in that darkness it is as though it is there trying to stop what it is that you do, to make you clearly understand what it is you want more deeply, that the picture of what you are wanting is more clearer, so to the darkness it really is a test testing your whole being in knowing if what you are doing is truly what you want to be doing, if your heart is in it all the way no matter what comes your way, no matter how hard the obstacles.  If you know deep within all of you what it is you’re doing is authentically truly you  filled with your purpose and love than you will know when you get knocked down it is just a test testing you to make you see that it is what you really are supposed to be doing.  These are the moments of bitter sweetness because in the darkness you find your heart letting you know that no matter how hard the blows get that you are still willing to stand your ground.  Last night was that night for me, today is the day I picked myself up to understand I am exactly where I choose to be and to be headed.  My dreams are for me to hold onto, to not give up, to not stay down for too long, to know that the force of the darkness that sees the brightness in me is discouraged to see that love is being done in this world, that darkness never ever wants to see love, it is so use to the darkness that the light is not supposed to be there, that the light is something not of their world. 

 

I do know that as these people with such negativity come into your space that it makes you doubt you, it makes you want to give up, if you give your heart some time it will rise above that feeling to let you know that you are stronger than that, that it is not you being on the wrong path it is them not knowing where they even belong in this world, that just because someone tries to bring you down does not mean what you are doing is wrong, that what you are doing can never be achieved.  It means that what you are doing is so powerful others don’t want to see it happen, that in them they feel so dark that they feel for themselves to pick on those that are changing this world for the better, that we choose to shine in our light and believe in what we do, to know that dreams can happen if you believe In all of you to know one day it will be.  Those in darkness are as though they see nothing but black, they see your light to see it is what they wished they could not even know it is what can be for them.   

Just when you feel your truly there a lesson that is much needed knocks you down helping you to see that your path your taking cannot be perfect, that what it is you are doing is truly what your heart is telling you to do.  Within two weeks I have had a TV show for grieving approved to be aired here in Windsor, Ontario, I had our T&K OWN Talk show become a featured show since it was so popular, I have had a blog VividLife agree to post a blog post from me that was always a dream I have wanted to do, all of these dreams were coming to life, so fast, so quick, it was so hard to take it all in, in that week I was on my way to Chicago to LifeClass to meet Oprah so everything around me was so full of my dreams in reality I knew deep down I’d get that lesson, the lesson that you can have your dreams just not all at once, that others in their darkness see that light you radiate so brightly to lurk in your space trying to keep you away from it all, to test you, to see if the strength in you is there strong enough to keep moving forward.   I do know deep In all of me that dreams that I bare are there just little by little they can become my reality, that through it the darkness will always try to prevail, to always know dream a bigger dream, that the love you hold in you is stronger than anything that wants to keep you from all you see coming true.

So when negative tries to invade your space leaving you feel helpless, doubtful, look in your heart to know that what it is that you are doing is what all of you wants to be doing, that it is the negative that will always be around to doubt you and your dreams in spite of not having their own dreams.  We have to understand as much as we don’t like to that there is hate in this world, that it does exist, but through it you will rise from it each and every time you believe in all of you who you are.  So when negative comes knocking don’t let it stay, let it know what it is selling you aren’t buying.  That no matter how hard the climb to all of what you want in life it will be, it will be if you learn to let that darkness bounce off your light, that even sometimes in that darkness you can help to turn on the light.

 

 

people telling you that it is time you should be over it, to the people who feel the need to always tell you how you should be feeling it is all due to the reflection of how they feel about themselves lashing out towards you to make themselves feel better.  Keep your heart full of love, full of the love of your loved ones past and that will pick you up while you cannot walk on your own.  Dreams may be simple to you in your grieving journey but in the light you shine are all around you to be done.  In the beginning for me a dream to me was to sleep through the night, then as you keep up the strength through the path you walk those dreams become bigger and bigger the more you see them coming true the more you see it is so, that no matter what you dream it is possible to be one day.

The people that watch around you seeing you build your life up may not be happy to see that, they may try to break you but nothing is breakable if you don’t let it be.   Try your hardest to help them yet if the help is not taken know in your heart you did the best that you could and it is not because of you they chose not to rise with you.  Be proud of what you do, what you accomplish doesn’t let that deteriorate due to the pain of others that do not know any better right now in their life.   Do not give up what it is you are meant to do because others see it is not right, they see it is not right due to wanting to be able to believe in themselves as you do but do not know how to in the moment they are in.  The people left in the darkness some may choose to stay others may just not know what to do at that time of their life to get out and lash out to those that found the way.  The impact of grief alone is hard to carry alone the darkness that sees the light in you turning on slowly, your loved ones passed will lift you above that all in the belief you have in all of your being.

In the pain that happens in your life is a lesson touched upon you to reach out to all in need of help through that exact pain you feel.  Seeking out to those in need is where you truly start to find the dreams in you, is where your pain becomes less, in that pain is where your magic appears.  I always say “it’s in the quiet where you know your success is being made”, it is the quiet you see around you why it is so quiet.  The quiet is where the whispers are loud, letting you know where you are is exactly where you’re supposed to be.  Sometimes the noise comes around but in your heart is where it will always find ways to reach your whole being to let you know.

 

The impossible you feel is not there, that is the barriers you put on yourself due to fear and the unknown.  Stepping out to all of what is unknown is where you will find you, on the day I went to Chicago absolutely everything was unknown, not one thing that was happening around me was something I knew would be.  In the unexpected is where it is the scariest but also once the unexpected becomes expected is where you truly see how far you have gone, that in those bits and pieces you truly start to see your light shine a little brighter, the more you step out, the more you are willing to step out no matter how scary it may be to you.  Although in your failures sometime on the path you walk is not truly a failure yet a way of telling you there is another way to get there.

While you walk this path people along the way may be seeing something that to them is not right, that to them it is what they should be doing but don’t see why it isn’t happening for them leading them to lash out to you to try and weaken you, to try to distract you, so that you never feel you can get to where it is you want to be.  It’s sad to know that others hold on to such hateful things yet all you can do is love even if not accepted that love will bring you through it stronger and taller leaving a trail behind you showing all no matter what keep getting up if it is truly what you are wanting in life.  Do not close your heart to the world know in it that this is a lesson that hate sometimes crosses your path to teach your heart a lesson, proving to you even more the determination in you is not to be broken.  Believe with all of you; see with all of you each and everything that you want to be in your life.  See yourself there to keep on to that vision to know one day it is where you will be.

To the darkness of hate that lurks from time to time is no match for the love you carry within combined with the vision and belief you know in all of you.   I say to the darkness one day they too will find their light to turn on, although sometimes the darkness stays dark never wanting to find that light.  Each and every time it knocks you down it is not telling you to give up, it does not mean you’re not where you’re supposed to be or where you are to be headed it is just a moment of weakness that in time will fade to nothing with all the strength and love you carry in you.  Don’t doubt, don’t get yourself down, don’t give up, don’t feel you are being stopped just take your time, get up move forward and keep all of what you believe alive.  It is not what you do is why others choose to cut you down, it is not that what you do is wrong it is others that know no better that they too can build up to the life they have always seen.

 

 

NOTE TO ALL:  Often your tasks will be many, And more than you think you can do. Often the road will be rugged And the hills insurmountable, too. But always remember, The hills ahead Are never as steep as they seem, And with Faith in your heart Start upward And climb 'til you reach your dream. For nothing in life that is worthy Is ever too hard to achieve If you have the courage to try it, And you have the faith to believe. For faith is a force that is greater Than knowledge or power or skill, And many defeats turn to triumph If you trust in God's wisdom and will. For faith is a mover of mountains, There's nothing that God cannot do, So, start out today with faith in your heart, And climb 'til your dream comes true!

 

Synposis: If you knew all the troubles that lay ahead in your journey towards the achievement of your goals, you'd probably never begin, or have serious second thoughts. In a way, nature protects us from knowing this, so that we take the first step. Or else, if there were no one courageous like you, where would the world be? How would the world progress? We would have no civilization, if everyone was like the majority who simply kept their heads down and took the path of least resistance. So, the few of us, we set out in naivet'e with hopes, dreams and lots of enthusiasm. We soon realize that in the course of the journey, there are demons, dark nights, mysterious obstacles, and loads of disappointments and failures.

 

However, these are only the test of our faith and grit. They are meant to test the intensity of our desire. To see how badly we want our goal. Success always has a price. If we keep marching confidently in the direction of our dreams, all these tumultous waves will subside. If we pay the price of success, if we perservere through all those dark hours, they will all fade away to let the rays of dawn and we will reach our goal, unharmed, safe and happy. Adversity never comes to hurt us. It leaves us unscathed, unharmed. In fact, it leaves us much stronger and abler. It comes to make us stronger and deserving of our goal. So, climb! Climb despite all the insurmountable obstacles, keep climbing towards your goal. You'll get there.

 

Helen Steiner Rice

 

http://www.sathyaish.net/poetry/ClimbTil.aspx

 

 

Oprah with me in Chicago at Harpo for LifeClass a dream others thought was just that nothing but a dream, a dream others laughed at me for telling me "that will never happen, do you know how hard it is to meet oprah?"  Yet keeping my belief and knowing in my heart strong that day has happened, not giving in to the darkness, the doubt, the fear.   Each and all of us can be, do whatever it is in our heart it is wanting to do.   You just have to keep strong, climb high and DREAMBIG. 

 

DREAMING BIGGER I have now put a picture of SuperSoulSunday on my vision board because one day in my heart that is where I will sit to speak to everyone that grieves, to show all the love I have in me to change how those shun upon those that grieve, to also let all that grieve know the impossible they see only means im possible.

 

 

 



Read More

Is It Truly Over?

Now in these days of your life it is even more sacred to your heart as well as soul that you BELIEVE in you, that you DREAM of all your dreams still, not ever forgetting what it is you have always dreamed of to be and to do.  Even through grief the dreaming in your dreaming fades yet it never leaves your heart, that whisper that was so loud may be very faint but it never ever stops whispering to you.  In your pain it just dulls but never ever leaves you completely.  To say that “your dreams are no longer due to the loss” is to say you are not breathing.  To accomplish all of what you have ever thought to do before with your loved ones passed does not leave just because they leave their human bodies here on earth.  To say “I let go of those dreams we had together” is also to say your heart has stopped.

Your loved ones pass share their dreams still with you in this life you move through without them, they see you, they know, they try to whisper to you “don’t let go”, moving forward without seeing them does not mean they don’t go with you through it all.  Through each and every walk you walk you carry them closer to you than before.  It is not up to you to let that go what you once dreamed of so much, God build so many of dreams for you, dreams that we could of never imagined, those dreams don’t leave you, your heart beats, you breath, your dreams carry on as long as you do.  Yes dreams are there yet to not believe in you is to let go of them all, the dreams given to you are to be captured, not to let go and let linger through your life without accomplishment in them all.  It is God that enriched those dreams in your life, it is up to you to see those dreams and work hard no matter what to see them come to reality.
 

I don’t mention God often but yes my heart deeply knows of him as well as believes there is, if not than not one of us would be here.  It is because of the many nights of tears through tears I made to where I am today in this ragged path of grief I walk.  Look at where you are now in this grieving process, look to how you have made it through each day, it is because God has a plan for you still, his love, your prayers has brought you through it.  It’s not up to God though to keep you believing in you, chasing your dreams, it is you, it is all up to you to make it happen, to want to make it through.  Those in grief are so blinded by pain that the thick mask of grief leaves you feeling all is gone, it is through the strongest love, the littlest strength you have in you, the oh so many countless of prayers is truly what will lift the mask from your eyes to open your heart to the world to know “yes this is it, this is how it’s meant to be, nothing is impossible to no one, that in this huge world there is plenty of room for all of us to make it to all our dreams.

 Ask yourself, what are my dreams?  What were our dreams together?  What were your loved ones passed dreams?  Than what comes after you ask that?  It’s the feeling that a rush of pain comes flooding in to all of you like a hard wave crashing into all of you, although the pain sets in hard it is you that than should tell yourself that all of the dreams do not leave you, they do not change, it does not mean it is no longer.   You take all the dreams to listen to your heart to work through the worse of the pain to make it in all of you happen, YES it is possible, even though our loved ones passed are not here we are the ones here in honor of them, it is up to us to take action and make it happen.  Through every little step you reach to each goal it becomes bigger than before as the little combines building up to the bigger and bigger of dreams you are accomplishing day by day.  It is in all the little that adds to the big one.  The dreams of your loved ones passed and you share don’t break, it does not mean you can’t or that they are no longer worth doing.  It means as you are holding on so tight day by day to make these things happen your pain rapidly gets smaller, so small that your mind completely focuses on the dream where the pain no longer has a hold on all of you. 

As you build your foundation back off of your new slate built with a little of the old you reach the higher part of dreams not even realising you are building up, up, up each and every day.  Yes as you achieve the greatness you seek there will be times you feel a surge of sadness deep in your heart but then know that unseen you are being walked through it all by the hand of your loved ones passed, that your dreams together are still being accomplished by you in honor of that love.  I say this because through my grief I thought the same I thought “so much for the dreams we dreamed together” yet started noticing they did not go anywhere they still waited for me just in a different way.  The belief in you is there, now even stronger than before you have the unconditional love with you still to push you through all you need to get through, the wings of your angels are the most powerful of love ever that will show you the way if you allow them to.

We all should know this by now BELIEVE in you and everything else will align to all of what you have ever thought of.  "Use me, God, show me how to take who I am, who I want to be, and what I can do, and use it for a purpose greater than myself" ~ Oprah Winfrey.  You do know that the purpose in you is there still and in grief it can be achieved, in that purpose is your dreams, to give up is to stop breathing.  No matter how hard it is for us after losing our loved ones passed it is through seeing the silver lining in it is what will rise you above to see it all, no words describe, the feeling is a feeling as they day you fell in love with your loved ones passed yet more intensified, knowing in that feeling that you carry them with you in each walk of your purpose you take.  It does not stop after they leave this world, their hopes, their dreams, beliefs, all lay within you now to take a hold of and do.

 

I say this because of all that has happened to me from the beginning of my grief up to now, so many of little by little things coming closer to making the bigger of things show.  In it all I know in the beginning I let go of it due to the mask that is so thick over our eyes in pain, little by little you find your purpose that fades that mask each little step you take in the action of fulfilling that purpose.  It is in the now after the past few weeks that I truly see now that not one of us is limited to what it is we see ourselves being, doing, and reaching for in the life we live.  That once those little steps you start taking eventually builds up towards the bigger steps waiting ahead for you.  That it does not die when our loved ones passed do, they don’t truly die either they become the soul of energy that we all are, so as is our dreams. 

Soon after my husband passed there was a huge love in me to want to help each and every person I could going through what I was, that I did not want no one to feel alone, to not feel the compassion and love that they needed through this, it is as though on that day my purpose yelled out to me very loudly what it was I needed to do that never heard before.  My husband passed graced my heart with his unconditional love for others, to use what it was he did every day he was here, help people no matter if he knew them or not, yet in my own way, to use that gift he carried in a special way, to use it to those that grieve.  I started my blog, Facebook, grief coaching, in belief that yes one day I will get this out there, I will get noticed as well as heard to as many people as I can that grieve, to show them all that unconditional love, to show them all YES you still can have your dreams, you just have to BELIEVE and never ever let go of yourself, or your dreams. 

 

The last two weeks have been all proof I need to believe in the higher of power that guides us every day of our life that our loved ones passed love is the power of you and your dreams that you feel are no longer.  All of what I thought of is now in front of me, all my dreams I thought of have come to reality that it takes my breath away.  My blog WidowintheCity I always believed in all of me will reach out to the world, to come to life on TV to reach so many more that grieve just came reality, our radio show T&K OWN TALK I had always wanted to be a FEATURED show on BlogTalkRadio is now currently a FEATURED show due to BlogTalk loving it.  Traveling to Lifeclass in Chicago is happening this Monday; the rest of that dream will be in a blog post coming soon.  Always wanting to participate in lifeclass to help others that struggles has been opened, all of the dreams I carried in me are manifesting right before me one after another with no end in sight.  Yet here I am a widow, that so many in the beginning believe that there dreams have ended the day their loved ones passed left this world, NOT TRUE.

 

I say to the grieving that due to having to have that new slate all the more becomes more clear to our hearts, things before that once faded double back our way not letting us not feel what we felt so long ago but may have not been felt for the busy life we lived, the dreams we may have had were dull due to leading the busy lives we had.  The clean slate may knock us off our feet but somewhere in that clean slate if allowed our soul is awakened, it is reborn to of how it was before all of life made it so dull after being so busy in our life of hustle and bustle, not saying this is due to our loved ones passed, just saying sometimes in life we work so hard towards what it is we feel in the time is all we want that we forget to be all here in the moment, in that fast our souls don’t have the time to take in all of what it needs around us.  In this new slate we are given all of us intensifies, everything that once was a whisper becomes a scream, again only if our hearts allow it to be, holding on to pain 24/7, believing it is over makes that scream even fainter.  Our dreams don’t leave us, our belief, our faith, we just have to allow it to resurrect once again. 

Letting the dreams touch your heart again may feel to some is to betray the love you share with your loved ones passed when in reality that is not so, the sacred place you keep that unconditional love wants you to dream, wants you to carry out your purpose, use the level of unconditional love in all of that to use out into the world as our loved ones passed did while here with us.  They want us to dream, they want us to become who we always were supposed to be, they walk with us guiding us to where it is we need to be to become all of that and more.  It is not hocus pocus, it is taking the unconditional love that you were shown and using every part of it outwards, it’s in the knowing that yes it does exist that awakens our life, that unconditional love is all how everyone should know of, should feel, so when our loved ones passed leave this world it is up to us to keep that going, so to say it stops, that it is over is to say the world don’t deserve to keep that unconditional love moving out into the world to so many who are in need of it.

Your life you feel you lost may be different, what I am saying is to feel it is over is to let that unconditional love needed in this world left to be lost, to use that unconditional love taught to you by your loved ones passed in your own special way out into the world, helping, using it to magnify your purpose, it is in that love where everything becomes open, your heart opens even more than before to understand just exactly what it is to do to fulfill your dreams that you thought have ended when your loved ones passed left.  It’s a struggle to keep our mind clear, focused, to keep our belief strong but baby steps is all it takes to get to the bigger strides that come the more and more you start seeing things happen that you thought could never.  Of course the huge loss will make all of us feel the raft of that loss and as though our life is no longer yet through it you can find it in you to make the life you have always wanted, learn to put that sacred love in a special place to use it in the most painful times that you go through.  Our loved ones passed are there cheering us on every step up that we make, signs of the positive will be all around if you truly lift the mask that has been put on you by the heartache you feel. 

 

 

 NOTE TO ALL:  What I am trying to explain is that I am no one special, no different than all of you, if I can be where I am now, you all surely can be here to, choose in your heart to know that your dreams don't leave, your belief fades but is up to us all to grab that to never let go.  Our dreams are there waiting for us to find our way back, our purpose is there and once you find out how powerful it can be combined with the unconditional love blessed to you by your loved ones passed nothing will ever feel impossible to you again.  I can not even tell you all that has been happening, that has not yet to stop in the last year I been gaining my strength, belief, faith and of course knowing the sacred place of our love is there in me, that in that space is where you create a life of how it should of always been.  You take back that life that should be with two only now with just one, yet to know on the outside it may seem one to others but to you in your heart you know its two, that it is you that takes on the dreams for the both of you, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, that is what truly burns the passion to your purpose to ignite the flame in you to see this life with totally different eyes, it is in the rebuilding you find the pieces that were lost before. 

Again I say our loved ones passed want to cheer us on as we walk holding on to the dreams we shared to still conquer them, to still believe you can even if you look on the outside you are one on the inside you know you are still two.  If anything it is their wings that will guide our hearts to exactly where we need to go to reach all of what we imagined.  Say what it is you want OUT LOUD, let God know you are ready to be of service to him, that you can do it, that you are ready. Tell your heart as well as soul that now it is the time you are ready to truly live the life that has always been in your dreams.  Look around you everyday to be in the moment, no rushing, no struggling, no hard feelings, just look to everything in a calm beautiful way to be in the moment you are in, not in the future you want to be, not even a second ahead of where you are now.  The beauty you will see as you look around in that moment is where it all is and happens. 

So our loved ones passed left us here on earth but never left us in spirit, in love, their gift of unconditional love never stopped the day they left us either, it is up to us to carry that through in the life we build forward to.  Its in that love sparks fly, flames are sparked, belief is stronger, most of all it is where we allow our self to DREAM BIG.  Yes if you know me this is what I always say because I know DREAMING BIG is not just a saying it is an action, if you don't carry that with you the belief fades.  Don't give up on your life, don't feel as though it is no longer, look to the light to leave the darkness that makes you feel that way, look to the great love you have to soar above all the negative that keeps you down.  Little by little, it is always in the little you will start to see that it builds to the bigger that is what you envisioned for so long ago.  BE THE PURPOSE, be the purpose backed with the unconditional love and you will find it, you find you.  It is never over after you lose your loved ones passed it is always just beginning, as for your loved ones passed it is just the beginning for them as well in the new life they go to, yet in that life their energy can be of great significance to us here where we are and they know that.  On the day they leave is when we gain our angel of guidance, love, and forever love that burns a passion of purpose in us so strongly, don't ignore it, don't be afraid, embrace it, embrace you.

  

 



Read More

Whats your Choice?

 

 



Imagine yourself in a room where it is pitch black; you can’t even see your own hand in front of yourself.  Imagine you are trying so hard to see but all you feel as well as see is black, dark, the door to get out is locked.   The sunlight never comes, no light around to see in every way you look.  Picture being in this place every single day, waking up, going to sleep, each and every day it never changes.   Starts thinking to you how long can a person actually go on each, every day like this?  There is a hard lesson in this to all that grieve, I felt it, I seen it, I been through it, some days it comes around still, creeping up with no sign in sight it is on its way.  However is it in the lesson of being able to turn that black to light a way to make the light appear sooner than later something you would want to do?  I’d like to think sooner than later most would want.

Hard lessons are usually the hardest to our hearts, the hardest in thinking it as though we are letting go of something precious if we choose the sooner than later choice.  For me I know very well it took me the longest to fully understand that in the sooner was how it should be, to my heart, to my soul it was in all of me I wanted to keep on to the later choice.  To so many the choice of sooner is as though it cannot be that it is not a choice that can be.   We all believe to hold on is to always keep what we loss close to us, yes it does but to be in total darkness is not where we should stay.  In it all the hardest lesson to all is sooner is what choice our loved ones passed want to see us choose, while so many believe to choose later is what is right, to feeling the pain of the loss is what needs to be to hold on to that great love we lost. 

This is so hard for me to type but in the hard conversations comes the love that is needed.   The dark room I describe some days still gets me, yet I know the sooner choice I choose will lead back in all the light I need.  The toughest thing in my grieving was this choice, this was the hardest lesson learned to my heart.  Going through life there are no promises, there are no guarantees.   Our choices are our own to make, the choices being made are creating the path we walk, so in the hardest of choices you can choose for life to start traveling down a different path than the path you would love to be on.   This is it this is our life to choose and no going back.  There are choices you make that can bring back on the path you want to be on yet wanting to be there must truly come from your heart.

 

 

I look around me to see so many stories of heartache, I hear over and over the pain, the sadness, the hurt, all of me feels it, yet as I look to that person I ask myself “has the choice been made?  Do they even know of the choice?  Are the feeling that it is where they need to be to honor the loss of their loved ones?”  The hardest part in your grief is the choices you have to make, in those choices lays great change, a feeling as though you are letting go, the fact that you believe so much in what it is you are doing, that it all has to be the way it is, not knowing it’s in change as well as good choices you grow, you become you, I know that through all of that the pain deepens that no longer the life you seen has vanished, so staying where you are is kind of where your heart wants you to be in the feeling that holding on you can still see that life. 

 

For me this was the toughest of my choices I had ever had to make, to choose the sooner over the later.  In others eyes I may of seemed the love I had felt for my husband passed was not so if I choose the sooner.   I had to keep telling myself it is not about holding a shrine to our love is where it validated my love for him, that not wanting to feel the pain made our love any less than it was, to understand how others seen who I was is not important to my life, it didn’t make me who I am.  To choose the sooner, meaning to release the pain, release the hurt, letting in the light to move you forward, yet not letting go of the love as you move forward but placing it in a sacred place you take with you.  Yes pain in losing your loved ones is a pain that is like no other and easier said than done.  It is hard work to program your mind to understand that the pain is not the choice you make.  Every day is a huge struggle but little by little if you choose the sooner it comes to you, the darkness becomes less, the more you see it the easier it is to keep choosing it.

I often remind myself that some people may choose the later because now it is where they feel they need to be, that in their mind helping themselves is not an option.  Remember when you’re out there helping others that some people just don’t feel they need that help; they feel they don’t need that change.   I heard someone say “I give up; it hurts too much to try and feel better”, losing our love is not about it being easy but it is about knowing that our loved ones passed never want us to be in this life in darkness, to hold yourself hostage to what we feel is what holds them closer to us, to not forget.  When I see so many choosing the later I just want to scream but go deep within my heart to remember the exact day I was in that room, that it was not easy to get out of.  Our loved ones passed as well are disconnected from us in that darkness, our heart and soul cannot hear the whispers of our love if we block ourselves off of the bright light that seeks us.  We miss the beauty of the signs sent our way from loved ones passed in that darkness, so in reality choosing to be there doesn’t bring us closer it separates us from our loved ones passed.

Grief is not easy, that is not what I am saying, I am saying to choose the sooner than the later, to yes perhaps have a relapse back to the darkness but to pull out in you all of your strength to get back into the light that is all around if you allow it to be.  Being able to this I know is not easy, yet anything in this life is doable if only we are willing to do what is needed.   Darkness invades my days from time to time but that darkness knows by now that I chose the sooner, so as soon as it invades it escapes.  No one can be in that story I described the rest of their life, it is just all about choosing the sooner so soon enough you can start to find out that the pain is not what is needed to know you love your loved ones passed as much as you do.  It is to honor your loved ones passed by choosing the sooner so they too can send whispers as well as signs to you, your heart, your life, your soul.  It’s in the sooner they too can start being the guidance in the life where you are now.

Most may think to change is to forget or to let go, erase that from it all change is simply a part of life to get us to where we dreamed of, even if that place is to be with your loved ones passed it still will be you carry them with you through the change to that place you dreamed to be.  Pain is also a force field to any clear thinking you need in life to make healthy choices for you, your life, and your soul.   Pain is not where anyone should be in a constant every day place, it brings in negativity, it keeps you from finding positive anywhere you look.  To say well “ I can’t see positive because my loved one passed is gone, is to say “I don’t want my loved one pass to be close to me, to be in my heart, to be with me not seen but unseen”.   There is a difference to pain and grief, grief is to know you lost that unconditional love in flesh, that it carries with you all your life, pain is the negative that keeps you disconnected to that love.  To truly take in all of the love you shared, to fully take your loved ones passed all into you is closer than anything imagined, soul to soul, pain is to reject that. 

An elderly man across from me lost his wife he had been with a life time, as I watched him going on with his life, doing things every day, just truly living, smiling made me go over to him to ask him “your doing so well, well it seems to me that you are, what is it that makes you smile, to keep going on not staying in the pain of the loss?”  he simply answered “ I know she is not gone, that she is with me still that in my heart our love will always be, feeling sorry for losing her keeps my heart away from knowing she is there that in my heart is her space for our love not pain”.  He simply WOWED me, that is what all people in darkness need to know, need to remind themselves of each and every day, all the people that feel alone that feel afraid to step forward.   So many broken hearts are out there that it is not how life should be; it is unfair to know that so many suffer in silence.  This is all the more reason I feel in my heart to make an impact to the word grief, to those that grieve, to make the noise needed so others can move forward, step into the light that is there’s to own.  Making noise long enough will be seen and heard, baby steps by baby steps my noise will make its way out there.

 

 

The other night as I sat outside I looked up to the sky as I type this it is still hard for me to believe so I know as you read this it will be for you to.  I looked up to the sky to see this bright light like a bolt of energy moving so fast staying in same spot but moving back and forth, yes here we have the casino lights but I knew the difference, this bright ball of light was moving so quick it changed a couple times as though it got longer as it changed and got longer it turned to a beautiful bright blue, I stared up thinking to myself “yea something’s up with my vision, but remembered as I sat there it was memories of my husband passed I was thinking of, I smiled while I kept watching knowing if it was in The later I chose that this beautiful moment happening right now would of never been.   I also remember being in the backyard with my back to the backyard, in that moment I got the feeling someone was there, I turned to look really quick to see a tiny rabbit, a wild rabbit that came so close to me with no fear, thinking to myself usually bunnies never ever approach a person especially the wild ones, to know my husband passed is to know he LOVED animals, in that moment I smiled along with tears, yet tears of happiness.  So many of signs to note but not would have ever seen if I would of choose the later choice.

Yes this is the hardest choice in grief, yet life is not meant to be easy, it is also in the hardest of choices you will find the beautifulness of so many things waiting for you to find.  I do also know sometimes if you are in the toughest of your pain you could very well get a sign, that sign from your loved ones passed will be a sign that you just can’t put off as being something it is not, that is their way saying to you “HEY stop what you’re doing and choose the sooner choice”, I say this in knowing that it has happened to me.   Changing and choosing the sooner choice is like being reborn again, it breaks you open so fully that not anything feels out of your reach, you redesign your whole being to seeing things you never thought possible before, you take on nothing more than miracles that happen day by day.  You rebuild you yet the piece of you from before still remains, you start knowing what is most important to live the life you have always heard others talk of in pure bliss.  You take on the world in a whole brighter, different greater way.  Your narrowed vision expands to the whole vision of how it all should be.

 To think that in pain is where you truly show your loved ones passed that you love them is not how it is supposed to be, to think that holding a shrine forever in pain is where you can remember that love and them as well is not how it works, it is not what our loved ones passed need us to be.   ~ Grieving is a necessary passage and a difficult transition to finally letting go of sorrow - it is not a permanent rest stop.  ~Dodinsky ~ we must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.  ~Kenji Miyazawa  ~.   Take that shrine you hold in darkness to move into the light in a sacred place in you.  I’m not here to say that I am processing this better than anyone else, I am here to speak from my heart of things I noticed through the darkest of my days, I am here for my husband passed as his wings touched my soul to leave me with unconditional love to all that grieve.

 

NOTE TO ALL:  Choose the sooner because in the sooner lays the closest you can ever be to your loved ones passed, step forward into the light that waits for you, in the later too much time is wasted in pain that shields from the love of your loved ones passed for far too long.  So the hardest choice is to choose letting go of the pain, that not all at once it will leave, I know the pain always lingers it’s the choice to not stay in it due to feeling you need to.  Take the choice of sooner to know that it is all in the sooner you find pieces of amazingness that are of value to you progressing in grief, to noticing the little signs that it is getting different, in a good way.  AS I said before I know once consumed in pain the difficulties you have to fight back, it is sometime debilitating yet in us all the light we carry, the love we shared with our loved ones passed is always to our advantage to take that pain to make it put at ease.  All I say here is with love, from the heart and in the knowing what a true struggle it is every day to go through grief, to understand pain is not grief, to me pain is what keeps you stuck, grief is feeling and knowing the loss is there yet not letting the pain hold me hostage.  Grief carries with us always in reminder to what it was we lost, yet once you feel the pain that comes with feeling that loss is where you can get stuck, acknowledging it is there is half the battle.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Read More