To be challenged or not to be?

It is often enough that through out our days we never know just what exactly to expect, that appointment set up you never really know what your walking in to, the walk to a store, each and all steps we make we never truly know what it is we walk towards in the life we live.  It is with the bad you have to smile in knowing that the good of your life balances out.  Yet in the bad moments we face we seem to go blank not enabling us to remember what it was that brought a smile to our face.  It's in the sunlight I feel the warmth in the freezing cold that makes me smile just how life is, you can have too much, the smiles come little by little, the moments of tears come little by little, yet in those tears draws a blank to what is so precious in our life that just brought a smile to our whole being not too long before the tears have fallen.

It is tough to understand to have just all the good moments in life would be a life with no growth with out those bad days, those struggles, it is in it all we bloom to be who we are destine to be, to cast aside the good forgetting in our moments of pain is to cast away part of our life, unseen, unknown left to just linger with no knowledge of what it could of been to us.  I find myself often enough being harder on myself in moments of feeling not accomplishing what it is I know I can do, that in failure I beat myself up to the point that I forget all good in life that is, that will be, that in this moment it is and never will be permanent.  That no matter how hard the task in front of me may be in time that task with determination will be defeated, if only you do not get caught up in the thoughts of the in the moment of "I can't do this".  

So many challenges come into life that we feel that we get weighed down to the point of no return, that we are not worthy of what we do, that easy to quit comes to mind, in that split of the moment we have to let our mind, body and heart understand nothing comes easily in things we are not familiar with, things that are new, things we never thought we see our self doing,  that doesn't mean that you can't, that just means all the more strength to what it is you do is needed and will surface if you rid of the negative thoughts that bind you to the I can't.  If we are to face every moment of our life with the knowledge of always be amazing, how will we conquer things of the unknown to challenge our lives to let us see that in the unknown with all your determination not anything is out of your touch, not any challenge is unchangeable.

If we don't accept those moments of the unknown and believe that we can we will never face the fears that in surprise hold a talent of dreams we never thought we find in the funniest of places, the most surprising of detours we thought we would never see our self.  Being uncomfortable is good, it is good to keep at that uncomfortable because soon enough that becomes the comfortable you thought you could never reach.  Challenging moments in life are ours for the taking to find through it that in that challenge you become someone you thought you could never be, sometimes your talents, purpose, passion is in a place that is of the most challenging of places that if too easy to give up you will never find it, your soul will never expand to all that it can be.

There to this day is a detour that I thought my life would never take but through the most hardest of my challenges each and every time I fought I found through it was all of me growing to understand that things take a different look in the ways you thought they should be, that in the challenge and different look it really is where you are finding just what more you can do in life, the more you can see you have so much more to offer in all that you do, that in disguise sometimes lays your little piece of a gem to fight for, to see it through and to understand as you look through what you do "hey I am making a difference this is a passion to me dressed up in a different way that you thought it look like".  Too many are too quick to give into the challenges that there purpose, passion, dreams slip right through their fingers in disguise of something they thought they were suppose to see was something different.

"Never judge a book by its cover", never judge your dreams by the looks, through it, in it, in the challenges through the other side you find it, being quick to give up is letting go to seeing it through to the other side.  You are not placed where you are for no reason, no matter how hard, how uncomfortable, those things lead to what is on the other side of the rainbow you seek at the end of it, what lays at the end of your rainbow is your pot of gold, challenges in life are ours to take on and endure all the heart wrenching most powerful of challenges to seek our pot of gold through the fight we fight beating it.  Right now, I am in a place I thought would never be, I am feeling the challenge, the frustration yet in it all I know each step I keep walking will unmask just exactly what I dreamed I could be, to see beyond the rough, tough, challenges and heart wrenching of moments I see in it the light of my future, that not in the form of what I visioned, yet in disguise it lays.

Giving up is easy, fighting to make your life to what you always wanted to be is your way of climbing to the top of the mountain in gratefulness you never let it go, that you chose not to stop and walk back down that climb.  You don't have to be in your dream job to bring with you your purpose, that through it you will carry that purpose and evolve into the dream you wanted to be.  So to challenges I say the same to pain, walk the hard walk, don't look back fight the great fight because there is not anything you can not do if you know in all of you that you can, to let the negative berry you is to be in the dark looking for the light that you carry so bright but let go of in the giving up.  Life is not meant to be easy, it is meant to be full of challenge, growth, and surprises of what you thought should be is in form of something you thought would never be what you thought it be.

Just imagine if life was so easy and at our finger tips of just how weak we would be as a whole, its the challenges, struggles and tears that shape us to be more and more of the hard fighters of dream seekers, to knowing that we can do anything if we only allow our self to believe we can and never giving up.  I fought the greatest of battles and still do and more to come I know but I smile in knowing that "I CAN, I AM and I WILL walk tall through it all, no matter how much I fail, fall down, my smile will always remain because I know as a person I am growing, I am finding more and more of the strength I thought never be there, I look up take a deep breath and smile knowing this is hard yet through it it's my blessings to life, it is defining who I want to grow to be as a whole, I hold my heart in knowing that love will never break and with that love nothing will break me.

When you find yourself being challenged so heavily yet surrounded by so much support, love and laughter in that alone is a gift, in that alone is a sign to you that no matter the challenge that love, laughter and support are your signs letting you know that yes this is the place I want to be no matter what more challenges come my way because through it you find your smile your love your laughter no matter how hard it may be your still finding the love, that if not meant to be in that moment you would never endure so much positive that over powers those hard challenges making you realize that through it your finding yourself, your finding your dream, passion, purpose that was there all along in disguise masked to seeming "no way this is not the path I am suppose to be on".

Don't be so quick to try and find and seek what you think your dream should be like because it will never be obvious to the eye only by the challenges you go through.  Don't look for fame and fortune, find your strength through your challenges and find it through it all at the end of your rainbow, the life we live will bring us to what we believe in ourselves of seeing and visioning we can be, do.  

Be the carrier of love, compassion, and strength to follow your path you walk on is the path created for you to be on, that detours may happen but detours are you growing to blossom even bigger than you thought you could be, don't let others distract you, discourage you, your day, your end of your rainbow will be when it is meant to, giving up is not going to lead you to your end of rainbow, fight the great fight be the challenge to yourself and the world, to show others they to can take on the greatest of challenges to make it to where they believed they could be, always remember "good things come to those who wait, patience is a virtue, the good always finishes last, love first, baby steps after.  I AM ready, I AM open, I AM ready to receive, I AM WORTHY, keep that posted to your heart and never forget it, look up and know he's got you, he's got your back, but you have to accept his love.

So I smile in the challenges that have made me tear up, made me feel the most uncomfortable but smile through it all knowing I am walking through the tough work to get to where I know and believe I am forever destined to be, that through the hard I unwrap my purpose, my dreams my growth, my wholeness, my all.  I never will give in to bonded to the gates of negativity, because in me is a fight to find my end of the rainbow, that it may not be fast enough but through it is a lesson of patience, strength and walking the toughest walk of a walk I've never thought I could do.  Each day is a day of new blessings, being able to get that day is a blessing alone, put on your armor and push through the tough and unleash the beauty of a dream that you are.  Show yourself proudly that in the tears, pain, challenges and uncomfortable there will always be joy, accomplishments, dreams, and love.

If your not uncomfortable your not fully reaching the dream of your dream.

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Creeper of Change

I remember it was dark, quiet, cold and I felt on the brink of a scare attack, there were so many excuses rolling around in my mind of how to get away from what I was about to face.  It was as I laid in my bedroom, in the dark, feeling scared out of my mind, cold and tears rolling down my face as I had many ideas popping in and out of my head of how can I do this?, I can't do this. 

As I was laying there in tears remembering the beat I took to my whole life, which was called change and how it affected my whole being, how it actually brought on certain issues to my body, yet again I was faced with bigger changes, bigger challenges, not just one but three were on the horizon.  Never in the most of my life have I've ever been to bed before 3am yet here I was lying in bed 9:35pm with thoughts invading all of my space, new job, new schedule and more to add, a show to do on TV that mind you was a dream of mine to do for the longest time on the topic of grief, yet in tears I laid. 

Then just as I felt the tears would not stop, I remember in that silence the whispers to my silence, "how is it that you lay here crying and so scared of these big changes?, when just over two years ago you went through the biggest crashing changes that anyone could never believe?, Your life turned totally upside down as you lay on rock bottom, losing your husband, your life, yet here you"re standing strong, so why now are you even flinching to the greatest of changes happening now?"

As I looked to the little light coming through the window of my room I smiled and wiped the tears from my face to understand that change was not my enemy, that this change could never be bigger than the one that turned my world upside down, that change was a constant happening in my life every step I took after losing my husband, that change is not something to want to run from yet something to embrace into your world to explore, grow and smile in knowing in that is your blessings of your little life creations of success you've dreamed and worked so hard to get to for so long. 

Then I remembered with all that I have grown to, that with God all is possible if you walk that walk of love with him, for him, that in that itself was something I have just finally discovered.  As fast as I was letting the negative in it quickly disappeared as I remembered that change has always been something I have been accepting and pushing through for so long now, that in it all is the creation of your growth to expand to the tips of the dreams you hold near to your heart.

In that cold, dark, silent, room the light beaming in from the outside was the light that turned on as I come to realize just what my heart was whispering to me, that in that whisper of love it wiped the negative right out of my whole being.  In grief change is a constant thing to our lives, in grief there is a constant challenge to our whole being, looking back to see that big change to your entire world, to looking to where you are now is enough to confirm that change is not the enemy, our own mind of negative thinking is, how we take in the feelings we feel to try and fight change. 

 If you really truly understand that what you have been through was so far beyond the darkest of worlds to see that now here you are you soon turn on the lights to understand, there should not be any kind of change that scares you to tears no longer after all you been through.  I remember in that room smiling in knowing that change is my best friend, that change is our best friend, to grow, to explore, to reach beyond your comfort zones to make things of the impossible to you so very possible and reality.

Yes in all actuality lots of pain was consumed when we first went face to face with the change turning our life upside down, but don't forget the beauty in it all, that through it, it has shaped you to the more whole of a person you grow to this day.  Through all these changes I faced, being so far away from my comfort zone terrifying my whole being, here I am standing tall, smiling in a dream accomplished, in a challenge accomplished that thought could never be done. 

Becoming a morning person, getting into a new job to be the support system I need to be for our beautiful little girl that never had to face before, to being on TV never ever done before.  Yet here I am, I DID IT, tears to smiles in acknowledgement that life is definitely not over being a widow, losing your heart, that if you could rise to the level you were meant to be at you will look around to pick the blessings that surround your world, walk proud through that pain of grief, fall down, fail, because in it all it may seem never ending and as though you got nowhere yet when you look back you see just how far you have walked.

I remember being in the studio with the bright lights shining down on me to realize that nothing but peace came over me, in that light I felt in my heart the spirit of my love for grief, the spirit of my husband passed and most definitely the dream I've dreamed of now becoming reality, yet just not long ago I was thinking of excuses to back out of it all, that's just it we will always find excuses to walk away from the changes that scare us but when we walk away we leave part of our growth to life in that walk away. 

In the bright light of the studio I smiled knowing that this is the place I've been waiting for, for far too long now, that inside me I was shouting, "YES I AM HERE, THIS IS MY DREAM, MY REALITY, this is the start of the change I want to be to so many that grieve, the voice of those that feel they can't speak up".  So many moments I felt as though it was so natural to be sitting there, that in that space our love my husband and I were as one right there in that moment as I spoke from my heart, I just knew the start to what I've always felt in my heart and soul was just beginning.

"When you go through a disappointment, remember, God promises beauty for ashes and joy for mourning.  New beginnings are in your future" ~ Joel Osteen~

The mind, heart and soul sometimes can work out for you for the good, if only we tell our mind the remembrance of just what exactly we been through to stand still today, to extract that negative that lurks always when your amongst the raptures of dreams and goals of your life, when your shining bright as you should, that in it all that negative tries to suck that from your being.  It is always out of our comfort zone we feel vulnerable, but I do believe all that grieve hold a very special trait in them.  

That through grief we see the biggest change in our life take place, that we so often have to program our minds to think positive the negative that tries to push us down never really has a chance to get very far when we know what exactly we have accomplished and yet stand tall, strong, full of more wisdom and blessings of love on our side.  If we rise from the pain in time slowly and slowly, day by day we soon remember our dreams, goals that even though changed they still follow us and we gather our strength to conquer in the biggest change that turned our life upside down but did not defeat us.

So here I was going through changes bang, bang, bang, one after another, scared out of my mind yet here I am, through it all I have walked tall, may have fell a couple times but here I still am, proud in my accomplishments, proud in knowing just how I thought the day my husband passed "how will I ever do this?", seeing just as the same from that day on that I have, that the beauty for ashes has been given.

  

That through it all there will never be a time in life change will knock at your door too scared to answer soon enough you will open that door to know there is no bigger change than the one you already been through that will knock you down for good, that change is your friend of dreams in disguise for a split second, until the light bulb clicks on and you realize just what you been through, that in that alone is the biggest of changes that never defeated you.

I look up and around me to smile in tears of joy to say thank you, knowing all around me is the love of my husband smiling in knowing just what I had in me all along, smiling in knowing that not on my own the strength of our love was present through it all, that the blessings that came in form of pure frightened form were really my many blessings to many doors opened, that now as I pushed myself through the scared I am in a job, I have spoke out on TV for the grieving,

 I've become a morning person after always thinking it be impossible to get on track that with the love of God and my husband and the whispers of my heart that all was my own fear trying to make me believe I couldn't, yet to open my heart and accept that change is my friend, that change has always been there it is just to know in the core of my heart I accept the love to know that I can take on change, that I can make it through change, that change is your blessing to the gateways of all the love in your heart to the life you thought could never be. 

As I speak of being a morning person this means more to me than I can say, for so long night has been my enemy, the sleepless nights I spent as a caregiver for my husband passed carried through for long after his passing that I always believed that it never change, yet that never change was challenged instead of running from and here I am a 5am gal ha ha.

Grievers out there have been through the biggest of change that if you give yourself time to reflect before you let negative suffocate your thoughts your eyes, heart and soul will open to understand that is the biggest change anyone can go through to understand in your heart that there is nothing bigger than that change to ever come your way to be afraid of. 

To take those changes and unmask them to see the light of your future that lays in all changes in your way.  That in all reality that change is God sent to you to your life in the little disguise of little miracles of love.  Really is there anything that you ever doubt you can't do?  because what you been through has shaped you to be full force out of your comfort zone that you never want to be back in that comfort zone, you become the love, purpose and dreams you have always were meant to be.

In pain find the things in the now to be thankful for no matter how far away it may seem, in that little of thankful you build yourself up not looking as to see yourself down but to opening to the bigger brighter things in surprise entering your life.



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Sorry



So sorry to all that come here often I am going through a long process of training for my next chapter in my life of work, this place is my heart and soul and once training is over things will be back to normal and will be posting regularly like I was this is my purpose and love and miss being able to put posts out.  Hope everyone sticks around and knows I am still always here to anyone who needs an ear to listen.

Not to long ago a dream of mine came true and want to share was on TV to do show for grieving and talk about my blog, it was a debut show and airs in 2 weeks, more shows to come in spring, will be sure to send out all info when that comes my way, what an honor huge pleasure and so grateful to do.  Again I want to say I am truly sorry for not being here as often but never will forget about this place and will always be here no matter what, training is hard and weird hours but will be done in four weeks and back to regular working hours and this will be the first place I come to.

Hope everyone is well and if your having hard times remember do not let that pain over power you and who you are, remember your loved ones passed and all the love they have for you, remember your one great memory and smile in knowing that love is unbeatable towards anything that comes your way.  

There may be some time for me to shoot out a post this weekend and will try my best to,  if not please be patient and stick around my safe haven and be on the watch for posts and updates, thank you all who are here often and read my blogs so grateful for all of you.

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