Flashbacks ~ Letting Go

Have you ever heard so many times by others "let it go" did those three words piss you off so badly you had to count to ten and breathe?  as bad as those words are to hear those three little words have more meaning than we know, other than just taking offense to if we clearly think about it deeply in our hearts.  Have you ever found yourself in a down moment of rest with nothing on your mind to go back to times of the awful, debilitating moments of back when losing your loved ones?  I often even now remember vividly just like yesterday the horrifying of moments of flash backs of the many needles I gave, the round clock medication given, watching the love of my heart get worse and worse, flashbacks of the words spoken finding out that my husband passed had terminal illness that could not be helped.  

In the midst of the night I remember laying beside him not wanting to shut my eyes in not knowing if he would pass on with out me to be with him.  It's so vivid it is enough to bring you to your knees in pain,  tears falling hard to the ground, pieces again shattered within you all around you, the reflections of those flashbacks reflecting back at you in every piece of shattered all around you.  This is a time that still happens and question myself why still do I keep remembering this?  I know that to not dwell on the bad and keep the loving of memories closer to heart.  Yet so vastly those flashbacks make a comeback and break through to your most amazing memories leaving you stunned and unmovable.

  Than I started to remember of dreams that I have had often enough off and on of the same, dreams of crying so hard grasping for my husbands hands in desperation of him saying good bye but in my cry of despairs I don't want him to leave me, how is this?  I wake feeling why?  I know he is gone the good bye has been said long before now, where and why are these dreams happening more often than not?  Sitting down I come to understand in my heart that all of this is part of the phrase we so despise of hearing "let it go" 

Yet in that it does not mean let go of your loving of best memories with your loved one passed, it does not mean you are to forget because your heart will never let you, it does not mean that in the letting go you are letting go of the love, the love could never be let go it stays and is always unbreakable, it simply means let go of the bad, the bad flashbacks, the horror of watching them pass on to another beautiful life where we do not see them but feel them every where we are.  

"Let it go" means the most loving of phrase told to you by the ones that love you and know that in that hurt you could be consumed in a life of hurt, pain, despair, if keep on keeping on to those bad memories that we should never let into the space of our sacred of memories.  Letting go means having to let that person go, yet not in the way it sounds, letting go in the way it does not hurt you to think of them, it means letting go of the bad memories because that is not the way your life together was, there were more loving beautiful memories than just the bad of it in the end.  

It means having to let that part of the past free so you can be free of reliving the pain over and over again, to not let the bad over power the good.  Easier said than done right, well for me I take to my flashbacks as a game now as soon as it comes to mind I instantly think of the good of memories, I write the flashbacks down of what came into mind and burn it while saying a prayer.  As for the dreams at night I calmly lay listening to soothing music instilling in my mind the beauty of the memories we had together, the fun times, I ask to bless my dreams with love to give me strength to let go of the pain in letting go, to know our love will not ever be in that let go nor will be the forgetting of our life and love of the amazing it was.  

The burden of the horrifying moments of what we have been through and seen is painful, yet we are the ones that now control that, we can cancel out those thoughts each time to fill them with love.  In my heart I strongly believe we are not here to keep on struggling with the ghosts of the past that place painful moments in our now.  Thinking of all this left me trying to understand why, yet realizing in those words we so dreaded and cringed in hearing was a message of care and love for ourselves and our heart, not to be said to hurt.  

Every day of our grief is a learning process to us, that learning is our hard work we need to walking through it, to finding in your heart your understanding of the issues that arise in you and know is bringing you down.  In your own ways your heart will find the ways to bring you to how you can accomplish what you need to make it past what you face.  If you spend the time you need to understand you, to understand your own feelings and try your ways to lift yourself up.  There is always a solution to a problem, love is bigger than pain and dark.  

I don't say it will get better in one day but the more often you use your strength and how to's the more you will find your way through it.  Still to this day I find myself going back to the flashback yet turning it back in to a flashback of the greatest of memories we shared, my dreams do not happen as much and often as they did, once you see what your doing is easing up on what was once so strong and often the more you know what your doing is right.  Truly in my heart I believe there is something powerful in writing your thoughts of pain out then burning while saying a prayer, it is as though your letting it go and letting it up to the hands of the angels that see you are having hard times.  

It could be anywhere anytime, yet walking through it you will find your ways of your own to kick the habit to change into a habit of love.  So think again "let it go", not so bad let it go spoken of another truly means "I Love You".  Initials of "let it go" Leading Inspiration Gratefully.  Lead other's into Inspiration through your letting go, the ways you have knowledge of doing so through your own ways, to spark the the greatness of hope to those that still hang on in despair of not wanting to let go or do not know their way to yet.  

I am not saying I have got this down solidly, we have slip ups, in those days you still often enough now can quickly identify it and not be so consumed to the pain to brighten your heart in the now of knowing you have what you need to lift through it, to not spend days in anger of the word "let it go".  Yes perhaps when the wound of grief is early those words are a dagger to the heart but soon enough through it when you start to see you are holding on for the wrong reasons and in fear of to let go means you forget or let go of the love, you will understand fully it is quite of the opposite.  

When I lay my head to sleep I think of dreams of visits of love and goodbyes as see you again.  Truly not being able to let go of the pain of the past is keeping you from the brightness of now.  It cripples you to block out that love, that love that your heart wants you to feel.  In the letting go brings upon little miracles day by day,  little by little, you then start to see that the words we once thought were so harsh are actually words of strong meaning and with loving intention. 

As I type this I am tearing up but not in sadness but in the freedom of finally getting it and finally understanding more and more of the walking through hard times not around,  how much more it burns a path for those to learn from.  

“There is no ongoing spiritual life without this process of letting go. At the precise point where we refuse, growth stops. If we hold tightly to anything given to us, unwilling to let it go when the time comes to let it go or unwilling to allow it to be used as the Giver means it to be used, we stunt the growth of the soul. It is easy to make a mistake here, “If God gave it to me,” we say, “its mine. I can do what I want with it.” No. The truth is that it is ours to thank Him for and ours to offer back to Him, ours to relinquish, ours to lose, ours to let go of – if we want to find our true selves, if we want real life, if our hearts are set on glory.” 

― Elisabeth Elliot

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Be the Leader not the eyes of Blindness

This is the picture that lighted a spark of fire in me to open my eyes to start thinking of all things I have seen and so strongly tried to take on alone to change, to understand that so foolishly believed we have come so far to now know we have not come as far as some believe we have.  

Are you the person that looks past the evil that lurks in the world that with blind eyes knows the past has never really gone anywhere?, just to be covered and coated to look pretty and invisible to the eyes of today.  Are you truly the person that quietly walks passed a man/woman that lays on the concrete,  outside,  homeless and hungry?, to look past a child who is being mistreated, a bully bullying another, racism that lurks in places never thought of?,  to think,  it cannot be,  those days are over and is suppose to be of the days of the past.   

How about as being a female thinking of the days we had no say that we have come so far?, do you find yourself strongly in you wanting to think these are all things that truly are not still happening in this world to believe out of ignorance that it is still no longer.  We as individuals are always told the past is the past, that the past is in the past, however that past of such hatred lurks around us yet with eyes masked by society and the sugar coated of making these things look invisible to our eyes are there and to over look that thinking it has been left in the past is the ways of others who over look it all makes you to believe it cannot be so.  

Do you feel that only one you as one person cannot change the world alone?,  to be afraid to face those demons face on to only fall and fail.  It is you and only you that little by little, with little acts of kindness, with being the purest of love you were created to be here on this earth with the love of the creation of our love holds on to more power in you than ever known,  if only you tune into that and know that one person can build a bridge for those stuck in a life of hopelessness.  

It is you that is here to be the leader in your side of the world, to help, to change, to be strong, to be vocal and do not let these things that are masked that so many turn cheek to denying there selves to believe that it cannot be so.  When I see a person outside alone, cold and hungry I may not be able to give him or her a home but I can feed them, give them something warm and give that unconditional love.  I can see the ugly in the world to do my little acts of kindness to change and be the change to start the change of the evil that still lurks of the ghosts of the passed.  

As it is to you that can be as well, it's in the little that snowballs to become bigger and bigger in this life, good acts always outcast the bad, the more good the less and less that bad shrinks to no longer hold the power it once did.  As far as being afraid to fail because what you are faced against is bigger than you is only the negative trying to keep you from doing what your suppose to be doing.   Don't be fooled but the pretty is the ugly  masked  and not visible to the eye of those who want to believe the ugliness of the past is gone.  

You may be of one person but if you truly think you have the power of the creation of unconditional love, that with God on your side he always will bring you passed your greatest of challenges in love, faith and belief.  We were put here to help, to love, to create a world of the purest love, so why waste time to ignore the acts of evil that cross your path, turning in disbelief that this life is all rainbows and peace.  I read a post today that brought out the fire in me to start seeing that things of the past are still everywhere we are, that they will never go away if we as a whole,  as a person forever turn away and believe it can`t be.  

If you fall, if you fail, that is all just even more reason for you to see the evil is there and does not want you to see it and change it, it wishes to keep you down and bounded to the blind eyes of so many.  You are one person, I am one person, but if one person after another stands strong to face these evils of the past soon enough in all parts of this world there will be leaders forcing out the hatred and bringing in love, the love we are all put here to be, forming a world of helping, loving, becoming stronger and wiser.  

There is never a situation that my heart will allow me to walk past, a woman crying alone, I approached her in fear yet walking past that fear I approached her, to later find out what she shed tears for had mended and worked out, a man just here from Africa was being taunted by ladies to see you could clearly see they wanted him to do the worse to get him in trouble, to approach the situation no matter how scary,  to distract the man of the evil that was trying to bring him down and ignore that and see that love and good people still do exist.  It is little acts that you are so terrified of but face that fear coming out to see the brightness of what this whole world can be and will be.  

In all of us is a leader of unconditional love, it is not to look out for just yourself and leave others behind, it is to be fully there for those who need the hand of your love to be helped through things that so many turn their back to.   I know that if each and every day I do all that I can to change the bad of this world that it will reflect to the ends of the world showing so many they can to.  Nature is part of us, the beauty of the growth in nature, a mother bird feeding her babies, squirrels running and playing, looking around to see the beauty that grows as the same we are the creation, created as the same as the beauty of nature that takes our breath away and brings peace to our hearts.  

As being the creation of that beauty it is us as well is a part of that great love.  So why turn cheek to the greatest gifts in you to be that brightest purest of love, to be peace, to be like the mother feeding her babies helping them to grow, the squirrels that play but do not know each other.  As of the love of nature so are we one with that all.  The acts of love outshines the darkness that always tries to put barriers on of all that is good, but to keep fighting is what diminishes that darkness, yet will always lurk it's ugliness again and again to those that let it.  

For those who think they are better or hold a power blinding others, little do they know through brightness of good they are unveiled and will also fall to their knees in knowing they are no better or powerful to anyone, that all here on earth are equal.  Yet it takes the huge strength of one to start that blindness of many to open eyes of the real life happening around them.  It's not about lifting your life up and stepping on people around you to get where you want to be faster than the rest, or believing that your better than those you step on.  

I am one person with a heart full of love that believes in changing the ugliness that should not be no longer, I feel the hard falls, so will others but getting back up each and every time holds the almighty power of change, the change of love, the change to vanquish the evil that lingers all over the world disguised in pretty and peace.  Heart fully open will allow your heart and eyes to see things of the passed have never really changed, maybe it has gotten better but to be all better it will take many leaders to change that little to be completely better and rule out that darkness.  It's been too long to keep letting the past lurk in our future, to walk passed it, to ignore it, to deny that it is even there.  

You, me, all of us that live with open heart can see the truth behind the masks.  In our own little ways we can each and every day make that evil less and less and show others they to can as well.  "I AM THAT, I AM",believe strongly that you are an equal, be humble, be gentle, be a giver, be love because the past of evil can only become stronger if we let it.  I refuse to let the passed of women being nothing take part in this world today by those so stuck in darkness believing and being afraid that change is for the worse, that darkness is their light, that thinking if women were just as equal in their believes they would be nothing.  

The sick twisted thoughts of evil always has a way to making the bad sound good.   This one person ain't letting evil break the love that has come so far in this world, I may be one but in the one lays that Godly love to always walk each step that I walk in fear but changing the world little by little.   It is in us all to know we can walk through the darkness to make through to our light, that light always lightens darkness no matter what we battle.  Women, man, we are all of equal no matter what the evil makes you believe.  Are you afraid of a women to do what you do better?, that is evil talking no one is better than another we all work equally here in this world, your gifts may be different than mine, mine different than yours but never one better than the other.  

It is truly time to unmask the pretty of ugliness that fools so many into believing it is no longer, to let others see it for what it is, what are we if we talk but do no action?, it may be scary, it may be tough, but nothing as evil as what lurks in today will be easy, life is not easy because in the tough you find your powerful lessons and strength.  I no longer accept that this ugliness deserves to walk around in this future we are building to so hardly, honestly, lovingly, I most definitely refuse to ever believe as a woman I am less of a man, man, women, it does not matter you to me,  me to you equal will always be.  Walk your life tall, strong, brave, change the evil that you can, start a following of leaders that do the same and soon say good bye truly to the past.

Does not matter where you are, fear is your conquer in the end to realizing that fear was just a hollow image trying to keep you down.  Each and every one of us holds a piece of us in everyone stranger or not, different race, religion, man. woman, look to another knowing in them is piece of you making you no different than what you see before you, as though a reflection in the mirror, cast away the fear, the darkness, the ugliness, to the future of a bright light so bright your eyes hurt but smile in knowing that in the brightest of bright you helped to vanquish the dark of the now and our future.

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One with Nature One with Love

Part of a journal entry of my husband passed journals that I do not think it was for no reason I came upon it this week.

I am in the moment of my life where everything feels new, everything is new, starting over may bare the pain of horrific pain like no other yet at the same time as you look around you see things in a totally new way, as though things that once looked at before seem more vibrant, seem more beautiful, your heart this time around sees everything along with your eyes.  It is as though your eyes of your heart are making your eyes open widely, you look to something that just was a tree but this time your heart sees it as the beauty of all the wondrous of living things all around you that brings peace to your heart as you just sit, shut out the world and breathe.  

In the air, the breeze, the trees, the flowers, the grass, the animals of nature, the clouds, everything all around you comes a smile from the heart in awe of where true peace lays for you in moments of your despair, sadness and pain.  Never once before have I ever opened up to all of life how I have now, and ask myself "why have I waited so long to see life truly and so vivid as it should of been seen?".   I then smile in knowing in the lessons of my loss I give great thanks to my husband passed for opening the eyes of my heart, as the way he seen life every day he was here that was always over looked by my life I never knew of before "being in the moment", being right in this very moment. 

In nature you feel one with everything all around you and in that one is LOVE, that is when you feel the most love that surrounds and in feeling that love you feel the love that never leaves you, you created with your loved one passed.  It's coming up on three years since I lost my husband passed and like every year I find myself how shocked I am of the sting of pain that still is felt so deep in all of me, yet in my ways I am also surprised that just as fast as that pain comes leaving me feel in total debilitation how fast it leaves, in awe of the power of prayer, the wind that gently touches my cheek, my smile that surprisingly comes back to my face, the peace that settles in all of me, coincidence?  I do not think so, once you get yourself into a place, a special sacred place that you love that removes all negativity that once surrounded your whole being.  

"Symbolism of  Robins", Robins represent spring, new beginnings.  The red breast is a sign of honor, a badge of courage.  Legend has it that a robin got its red breast when it tried to remove a thorn from Christ's crown of thorns when he was crucified.  The thorn pierced the birds chest, thereby causing it to bleed".

If you find your ways you will find your strength to understand in that space no harm can be done unto you, only LOVE is seen and felt.  That is truly when you are allowing yourself to see from your heart, when you hear the whispers of beauty speaking to you all around you in the beauty of where you are.  

The power of prayer is always often under estimated, through the hard times of my days before now I prayed, I prayed to God, I prayed to my husband, my angels and it is of no coincidence that through that I have felt the ease of my pain, to look around to the beauty that surrounds me to smile, to feel peace to know through it all is that love, the love you lost is all around you if you find your place and just be all there in the moment in silence and taking in each breath of it all.

  Then the over powering of the loss of my father takes on with the loss of my husband making me feel I cannot breathe, tears may fall but this does not mean that is weakness setting in that will stay with you, a good cry replenishes the old to breathe in all the new, after the tears you realize this is not how it should be, the loss is there but the love resides, these special loves of your life become a stronger presence in your life than ever before then they were while here in the flesh.

  In surprises they are the guidance, signs, to every step you take in life, they are the surprises that find a way to your heart to guide you a path bigger and brighter to what you could of ever imagined, they don't miss your stepping stones, your happy moments they are the ones that brought you there.  So if you find yourself saying after a great accomplishment "I wish they were here to see this" remember they are, they are the ones that helped guide you to get there. 

 I always laughed in frustration why it was my husband was so into the outdoors, yet through him I have found the greatest of blessings to my heart why he did, in guidance of all he loved to do I find in doing what he loved finding my little pieces of treasures to see exactly why he loved what he did.  

So no matter what anniversary it is that you lost your loved ones passed do not despair that sting of pain that you feel each year that it comes along, because grief is a thing that never leaves us, it is the constant reminder of the piece of our heart we lost, yet smile in knowing the lessons of great strength and growth you take on through each year, holiday, anniversary, special moments of remembering.  

The secret is there is no secret you use what you have in all of you to make it through the days of your hard times, you will find through each day surprisingly you find the tools for your own needs to make it through, don't be fooled though each little piece you gain that helps you through your pain is given to you through the love of your angel and God himself carrying you through to each peace that you feel through the pain that once was, to see the beauty and blessings that find there way to you and your heart.  

My husband passed laugh is what gets me the most, I stop in silence to remember his laughter and just how high pitched it was, like it sounded like a girl,  that makes me laugh in remembrance of it to find my tears turn to a smile.  I remember just how he was placed in my life to shape me to the person I lost a long time ago,  I believe in all of me graced in my life by the hands of God and his love, my angel here on earth to show me that my life, that my life alone was so much more than my heart and eyes were seeing.  

Remembering the touch of his warms hands and whole heart hugs he gave so freely as many times a day he could.  Remembering our special moments of how the happiness and power of love consumed our every days, reminds me there is no pain in that at all, to leave the pain out no matter how tight the grip may seem on you to let it go to know it was in those memories you felt your happiness to let go of that grip that strongly tries to keep you captive.  

To honor the love of life all around you, to know in the one of it all is nothing but that love you been blessed upon by all your loved ones passed.  Gods creation of love is all around, it grows, it breathes, in that special of it all is a reminder just as beautiful as it is all around you that you as well are the creation of that love and that beauty.  Grateful to of found journals my husband kept that he wrote every day of what he did for a very long time, I smiled in knowing just how much of a treasure it was to find, I cried but soon after that cry I found the miracle of all of our love in them journals, stories of our milestones, our memories, our love.   

I remember being in my spot outside in thoughts of my husband passed to suddenly see three robins flocking to where I was all at the same time and feeling nothing but the warmth of great peace and love,  aligning yourself with all of the beauty of nature is to aligning you heart to all of the love in the world to lift you past your pain to understand in every beauty of a moment in nature is piece of your loved ones passed.  It is never of no coincidence that once focused in the moment of the beauty that seeks you that you find a moment where your heart just knows that love is there and stronger than it ever was.

Anything that puts a smile on your face is not of no reason, that smile was brought to you for a reason, to grace you with peace in knowing you are never walking your life alone, that through each and every single day you are tuning into the higher frequency your heart should, that in that highest of frequency is your true gift of many doors that open handing to your heart all of what you need to make it through your hard times. 

Remembering my husbands passed smile reminds me of the sun that shines bright unto me each and every day.  Remembering his love that was stronger than anything is reminder to me that earth angels are put in our life for a reason, that now not seen the power of their gifts become stronger to you and all walks of your life you go through.  Aligning with nature is a powerful frequency that opens the gates full of the love of all of this world, because as nature was a creation of love so were all of us, and each of the creation of nature lays a piece of us and our love.

So a little funny before I sign off, one of many funny moments of my husband passed, we all gathered to visit at my moms and through the night on the couch our daughter had put a plate of cookies, my husband not knowing sat down on the cookies, while all of us laughing and tearing up from laughing so hard as he stood up the cookies were stuck to his behind ha ha, still not knowing what we laughed at so hardly he laughed not even knowing why then realizing just as our daughter grabbed a cookie off his pants and took a bite, it is through the funniest, greatest of memories we will find that pain is never stronger than the memories forever locked in our hearts to use every time we feel the bad days of pain and the sting of the loss.

Nature is purest of love, as is you are in alignment to all of its beauty and love.  

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