Flashbacks ~ Letting Go

Have you ever heard so many times by others "let it go" did those three words piss you off so badly you had to count to ten and breathe?  as bad as those words are to hear those three little words have more meaning than we know, other than just taking offense to if we clearly think about it deeply in our hearts.  Have you ever found yourself in a down moment of rest with nothing on your mind to go back to times of the awful, debilitating moments of back when losing your loved ones?  I often even now remember vividly just like yesterday the horrifying of moments of flash backs of the many needles I gave, the round clock medication given, watching the love of my heart get worse and worse, flashbacks of the words spoken finding out that my husband passed had terminal illness that could not be helped.  

In the midst of the night I remember laying beside him not wanting to shut my eyes in not knowing if he would pass on with out me to be with him.  It's so vivid it is enough to bring you to your knees in pain,  tears falling hard to the ground, pieces again shattered within you all around you, the reflections of those flashbacks reflecting back at you in every piece of shattered all around you.  This is a time that still happens and question myself why still do I keep remembering this?  I know that to not dwell on the bad and keep the loving of memories closer to heart.  Yet so vastly those flashbacks make a comeback and break through to your most amazing memories leaving you stunned and unmovable.

  Than I started to remember of dreams that I have had often enough off and on of the same, dreams of crying so hard grasping for my husbands hands in desperation of him saying good bye but in my cry of despairs I don't want him to leave me, how is this?  I wake feeling why?  I know he is gone the good bye has been said long before now, where and why are these dreams happening more often than not?  Sitting down I come to understand in my heart that all of this is part of the phrase we so despise of hearing "let it go" 

Yet in that it does not mean let go of your loving of best memories with your loved one passed, it does not mean you are to forget because your heart will never let you, it does not mean that in the letting go you are letting go of the love, the love could never be let go it stays and is always unbreakable, it simply means let go of the bad, the bad flashbacks, the horror of watching them pass on to another beautiful life where we do not see them but feel them every where we are.  

"Let it go" means the most loving of phrase told to you by the ones that love you and know that in that hurt you could be consumed in a life of hurt, pain, despair, if keep on keeping on to those bad memories that we should never let into the space of our sacred of memories.  Letting go means having to let that person go, yet not in the way it sounds, letting go in the way it does not hurt you to think of them, it means letting go of the bad memories because that is not the way your life together was, there were more loving beautiful memories than just the bad of it in the end.  

It means having to let that part of the past free so you can be free of reliving the pain over and over again, to not let the bad over power the good.  Easier said than done right, well for me I take to my flashbacks as a game now as soon as it comes to mind I instantly think of the good of memories, I write the flashbacks down of what came into mind and burn it while saying a prayer.  As for the dreams at night I calmly lay listening to soothing music instilling in my mind the beauty of the memories we had together, the fun times, I ask to bless my dreams with love to give me strength to let go of the pain in letting go, to know our love will not ever be in that let go nor will be the forgetting of our life and love of the amazing it was.  

The burden of the horrifying moments of what we have been through and seen is painful, yet we are the ones that now control that, we can cancel out those thoughts each time to fill them with love.  In my heart I strongly believe we are not here to keep on struggling with the ghosts of the past that place painful moments in our now.  Thinking of all this left me trying to understand why, yet realizing in those words we so dreaded and cringed in hearing was a message of care and love for ourselves and our heart, not to be said to hurt.  

Every day of our grief is a learning process to us, that learning is our hard work we need to walking through it, to finding in your heart your understanding of the issues that arise in you and know is bringing you down.  In your own ways your heart will find the ways to bring you to how you can accomplish what you need to make it past what you face.  If you spend the time you need to understand you, to understand your own feelings and try your ways to lift yourself up.  There is always a solution to a problem, love is bigger than pain and dark.  

I don't say it will get better in one day but the more often you use your strength and how to's the more you will find your way through it.  Still to this day I find myself going back to the flashback yet turning it back in to a flashback of the greatest of memories we shared, my dreams do not happen as much and often as they did, once you see what your doing is easing up on what was once so strong and often the more you know what your doing is right.  Truly in my heart I believe there is something powerful in writing your thoughts of pain out then burning while saying a prayer, it is as though your letting it go and letting it up to the hands of the angels that see you are having hard times.  

It could be anywhere anytime, yet walking through it you will find your ways of your own to kick the habit to change into a habit of love.  So think again "let it go", not so bad let it go spoken of another truly means "I Love You".  Initials of "let it go" Leading Inspiration Gratefully.  Lead other's into Inspiration through your letting go, the ways you have knowledge of doing so through your own ways, to spark the the greatness of hope to those that still hang on in despair of not wanting to let go or do not know their way to yet.  

I am not saying I have got this down solidly, we have slip ups, in those days you still often enough now can quickly identify it and not be so consumed to the pain to brighten your heart in the now of knowing you have what you need to lift through it, to not spend days in anger of the word "let it go".  Yes perhaps when the wound of grief is early those words are a dagger to the heart but soon enough through it when you start to see you are holding on for the wrong reasons and in fear of to let go means you forget or let go of the love, you will understand fully it is quite of the opposite.  

When I lay my head to sleep I think of dreams of visits of love and goodbyes as see you again.  Truly not being able to let go of the pain of the past is keeping you from the brightness of now.  It cripples you to block out that love, that love that your heart wants you to feel.  In the letting go brings upon little miracles day by day,  little by little, you then start to see that the words we once thought were so harsh are actually words of strong meaning and with loving intention. 

As I type this I am tearing up but not in sadness but in the freedom of finally getting it and finally understanding more and more of the walking through hard times not around,  how much more it burns a path for those to learn from.  

“There is no ongoing spiritual life without this process of letting go. At the precise point where we refuse, growth stops. If we hold tightly to anything given to us, unwilling to let it go when the time comes to let it go or unwilling to allow it to be used as the Giver means it to be used, we stunt the growth of the soul. It is easy to make a mistake here, “If God gave it to me,” we say, “its mine. I can do what I want with it.” No. The truth is that it is ours to thank Him for and ours to offer back to Him, ours to relinquish, ours to lose, ours to let go of – if we want to find our true selves, if we want real life, if our hearts are set on glory.” 

― Elisabeth Elliot