Eight Days

For most of my loved one passed sickness I cared for him at our home, to have him in our presence was a gift to our hearts.  After all when looking to a terminal illness time is of a huge value to everyone involved.  His sickness was of a great shock to our life, the fact it happened really quick is some what the reasons I still question so many of things, understanding there is no answers to everything I question. 

Going back in time I remember exactly how it was the day he approached me with news he had found out that we both believed would be he had broken a rib, instead we had to hear the "C" word, totally not what we thought we would ever have to face.  I still remember all of the emotions I felt on that day to this day.  In fact going through papers the other day, the paper for these results were something I came across, the emotions of that day slapped me hard in the face.  It was a horrific flow of emotions all at once.  In these emotions we never truly understand how it is we will make it, how we will ever not feel this way.  On that day I remember all I could think of was "not us, he is going to make it, it can not happen to us".  So in the beginning of it all our bodies are truly fighting to just stay above water, denial is what mends our broken hearts.  It is hard to picture how your life is now back in that one moment in time.  Our minds are cluttered with just being able to find a miracle, not ever thinking of the worse that will happen.  Looking back now I see so much of accomplishments I've done through it, not realising it then due to the fact that the pain had my every thoughts suffocated.

Finding of this Cancer my husband passed had in his lung as well as kidney, the roles of all were carried out by myself.  I was Mother, Caregiver, Father, I was the one that took on roles of many.  Now I talk of this because we truly never see just how much we have done, we forget to see just how much we accomplished, that durn this time we fully step into our fears to conquer things our minds would of never thought we could of done due to our fears.  Our heart as well as mind is so consumed with the thought of needing a miracle, we don't see that we are doing the things we thought we would never be able to do.  It is in the time that we are so fully determined to make all better we forget to see all that we have done, things that were goals to us in achieving, that later on we are struck with awe in knowing we achieved all of what we thought we could never do. 

My husband passed truly blessed our life, he was the man in our life that made sure we had it all.  So looking back I see all things that use to be so hard, things I did that thought I would of, could of never done.  From littlest of things to the biggest of things.  Starts by getting out in to the world on my own, this was something I struggled with, being out in the world on my own, yet there I was not even noticing then I was out there alone doing tasks that needed to be done, bills, groceries, banking, the list never ended yet there I was living out of my fears not even noticing.  Now to this day I truly enjoy my time alone, a total 360.  Taking on roles of so many, noticing now that through this horrific pain so much was achieved, it blows my mind thinking of how much I have changed for the best out of all this tremendous pain.  As much as I was tore apart to have to say good bye to my old life, the new one I was making in my old life changed myself for the best.  The person I was becoming was me finally growing my wings to fly like an eagle into the new life where I am now, my husband passed has given me my wings, in the darkest of hours a miracle of pure love took place.  While he was in the beginning of getting his wings of an angel, he was giving me mine to fly like the eagle I was meant to be all along.  In realising this I've discovered that this is what was suppose to of been all along.  In our life all along he was the one placed in my life to open my eyes, to open my eyes to motherhood, to becoming the best that I was, that I've always been not noticing before.  He will forever be an angel of life, he will forever be the angel in our life, making sure my daughter and I never lack the precious worth that we are.

Your loved ones passed may of left you, yet it is because of so many values that they may have left, not really gone just not to be seen nor heard.  In your deepest of heartache there is, will always be such significant of things that await for you, the beauty of it all is opening your heart to see it along with feel it.  Our loved ones passed do not leave this world to cause tremendous pain, it is in that pain we find the blessings, the answers to our life that has been there all along that we have never seen before.

So in the last eight days that I got to be with my husband passed, so much was happening around our life that in that time it was not of notice.  It was on the first of the eight days my husband passed asked in desperation to be put in the hospital, this to me had a huge impact on me, I felt as a caregiver that I have failed, yet realising now it is not up to us how it should be, that behind his decision was because of us he wanted to be in the hospital.  They are the ones that are sick, it is their body, not up to us to question.  It is now I see why it was his choice to be in the hospital, even while being so sick he still had my daughter and I in his mind as well as heart.  While knowing in my heart that coming out of the hospital would not be.  As a caregiver in some way we always feel that we have failed, not being able to fix everything is why we feel that way.  Remembering the days spent in the hospital are still vivid in my mind.  The comfort I took while there was in the little piece of the chapel that seemed as though it was separate of where I was, the endless hours of pacing the halls of the hospital yet it was those hall ways that always lead me back to the world I felt at peace, the chapel.  It was in that time where I felt the most at peace, the most protected, it is there where I prayed.  In your most darkest of times praying is what allows your heart to feel less of such pain, it is when all your worries seem to get lost.  Each day there in the hospital it was a need to be able to find myself drawn to being there in that chapel, it was my little place of peace.  Each day I kissed my husband passed, touched him, made sure he knew I was there.  Each day was a huge challenge, emotions were so high, as I approached each day I always made sure to take the time to get away for at least five minutes to breath, to see the outside, to remind myself time was not standing still for me as well as my pain, that it did not slow down even if my world was being taken away from me.  Some how,  some way,  through our times of horrific darkness we have to find ways to get our minds clear, to be able to try at least to see some light, even if it is just a little.

The hall ways of the hospital knew me well, no matter how hard it is you must always take time to be alone for you, when your world is falling apart it is a must to be able to collect yourself, to remind yourself you are strong, that no matter how difficult it is the strength is there, that no matter how dark it is you won't face anything alone, that within yourself you have the power to face anything.  You have to understand that no matter how painful it is you are not the only one that has been faced with this.  Understanding that the dark that surrounds you does not leave you, that in that moment you feel it will never leave you.  The worst part for me was the fact that my loved one passed wanted to be in the hospital, you truly have to let go of your pride to understand why it is they chose to be there.  You have to let go to understand it is not anything that you have done wrong.  During the eight days we were in the hospital each day I made sure to take the time to be on my own for just a little, I made sure no matter how bad it was that I found some thing or some things to be thankful for, knowing how hard this is, this was, I still found the littlest of things to hold on to.  I'm not going to lie there were many times I felt like I lost myself, that I lost my mind, all I can say is allow yourself to feel that, it won't be long before you find it in you to regain just that little bit more of strength, that within seconds those feelings go away yet always return.  Sounds impossible but TRUE. 

Just make sure you are happy to have that extra day with your loved one passed, that they are with you for another day.  To everyone I say do not do it alone, during the last days I was so grateful to have important people standing with me, don't do it alone having someone with you helps sooth your heart as well as mind.  In this moment of time no matter how bad we wish for a miracle in our hearts we know what will be.  It was in those moments I prayed, I prayed my husband passed that if had to leave this world would be able to leave peaceful, all I wanted for him was to be at peace, for him to be taken peaceful, to be safe.  Praying is powerful, to this day I can say praying is heard in return it is as though your heart is touched allowing some pain to diminish.

At first looking back you won't realise all that you have done, you won't see all the goals that you wanted to do were conquered, looking back will be a blur, it will be suffocated by the pain, in time you will see goals that you set for yourself a long time ago were accomplished, that in that horrific time of pain you did it, not even realising you did.  Once you notice all of that, it is then you see what it is you are capable of.  That is when you start to understand that in times of despair there really are blessings that occur, that you as a person have a power in you that you have never noticed before.  It is in the starting over you find things in you that you never knew were there.  Sometimes in life I can see now things happen to prove to our life what it was that has been missing for so long.  Your loved ones passed are giving you your wings, your wings of an eagle to fly, to fly in this life that needed to be done all along.  You won't have to think too hard for what it is that needed to be shown to your heart, you will feel it right away, you will see what it is that has been in you all of your life it just has been hidden under all the layers we cover it by not believing we can.  It is in the most painful of times we must reach within us to find the best of what we have, to find what it is that we are here for in this life.  yes we lost our world, yet we find the ways to keep walking, we find the way to move through it, it is in our hearts we know our loved ones passed are there to help us move forward.  I say this often due to the fact I know it is true, Our loved ones passed will always be the working force in our life to remind us to reach for the stars, that there is not anything we can not do, they are not to be seen yet still walk with us in our life. 

It is in the last days of life that so much love surrounds you, it is then the miracles happen just not the one you had hoped for.  It is as though the world knows what it is we are carrying, that the world surrounds us to make sure we keep pushing through.  It's as though we are hugged by angels, we don't know where we ever got the strength, we question how is was we made it through, it is because we were carried through it, our lives were touched by unseen love.  When presented with the worse we do have the power in us to see it through, that some how, some way, we find it in us to pick up to move forward.  We are not alone, specially in times of despair, we are never alone.  Eight days of huge pain, such horrific darkness, yet some how there was a little crack of light, there was the power to make it through.  Miracles do happen just sometimes they happen in a different way, not in the way we ask for.

NOTE TO ALL:  In our hearts we know we have it in us to see anything through.  Sometimes in this life we don't see the strength in us right away, once you start seeing what you have done it is then you start gaining your hope, you start taking a front seat in knowing how your dreams can be made real, that dreams are always possible.  We all have the wings to fly like an eagle, we just have to use them.  Being blessed with pure true love is a gift, it is a gift of such great power, it is not everyone that gets to be loved like we have.  See it in you that you are a very unique person in this life, that you always can be who you want to be.  A person that has been through a pain like no other truly starts to see just how powerful they are.  I'm saying this due to the fact that in times of tremendous pain is when we really open our eyes to see the miracles in this life.  It's as though we go to a different place, in that place we understand our life has always been of great value, that we do have a purpose, you find the passion in you that has always been there.  Finding you is a feeling like no other, it is because of our loved ones passed we made it there.  It was there in their hearts to share with us all along.