Just the other day I was told something that really struck a nerve in me, something that I honestly felt disgusted by, before getting to that I want to talk a little about my Birthday yesterday. As I celebrated my thirty-fifth Birthday, I looked back to so many moments in my life. I realised in all of who I am that this year was different, that this year was a year like no other. This year I celebrated turning one year older in complete and utter peacefulness. It was truly a celebration for my heart, soul, my life. This was a Birthday that all of me truly peacefully embraced. This was the first time in all of my life I was proud, I was comfortable to be where I was, being comfortable in my own skin, feeling that from here on it only gets better, that nothing else could keep me down, that my time was now along with every day ahead of me. It felt as even though I was turning thirty-five it was as if now was when I was really starting to live, it was as though life has just begun now. It was my second year I celebrated with out my husband passed, yet this one was a special one, a special feeling, a special day. In all of my Birthdays I have never felt such content, I eased into another year older like it was so very natural, something in me just felt at ease as well as confident. I look back to realise now is the time that I truly begin to see just what it is my life has been all along, that in this life I am worthy, I am beautiful, I am capable of making my dreams unfold, that my husband passed is the light that shed upon all of this.
As I went through the day there was nothing more then a smile on my face from cheek to cheek that never left. In the memories I understood that it was my life, it was all needed to be to get to where I am right now, right here, right now in this moment. I was dealt with a horrific, tremendous pain, yet in that pain so much beauty was hidden behind it in hopes to be found by me. In this life it is not always in the good we find blessings, it is in the tremendous pain, hurt as well as darkness the strongest of lessons lay. Growing from the person I was, to seeing the person I am today makes my heart feel full, it makes me walk to the future with pride. This isn't just for certain people, dreams are not for just limited of people, this is for all, this is for everyone to be, to find. We all are here to live out our dreams, to live a life the best way our hearts, mind as well as souls see it. As you see others swimming in a life of all dreams coming true, know in all of you that its not just for selected people to live that dream, it is there for everyone walking this life that we live. My husband passed life lesson to me was to shed a bright light in all of my darkness to make me understand that in this life there is not anything that is not possible. His love was sent to my soul, to open my eyes to the love of this life, to the love of this world we live in.
I looked to other people as I sat outside to realise that each of us has our very own dreams that even though it may be different does not mean that it should not be. We are all here in this life for different reasons, it is up to us to reach all of those reasons, to find out what it is that makes our souls smile. Negative thoughts are just that, something that is to be left behind us to stay in the past forever. I remember that through all that I have done, that what ever it was that I wanted in this life that my loved one passed supported it no matter what it may of been, so moving forward I will always keep that support with me, in my heart, in my mind, that even though he left this world that support still will always remain with me. If negative comes a knocking let it know that your not interested in anything it is selling.
While looking to the clouds I seen a cloud in a shape of a T, right in that moment I thought of the word "TRUST", that word was a word I often was told by my husband passed, he always would tell me to trust in the people that I love, trust in myself, trust in all of me that things will be how they need to be. My heart felt such complete peace in that one moment. The signs in life are all around you, to just allow it to be seen is what is needed to be, to open your heart to understand that times can be horrifically bad, yet the bad never sticks around for long, like a storm that comes on strong it to will pass. Our lives are not to be full of bright sunshine, we would not be truly living if that was the case, it is in the storms we find our strength, a strength to make us understand that there is not anything that can hold us back from what we want, for what we dream of, to live a life the way we have always dreamed of. Don't be in a rush to get there, its in the littlest of happiness that all together makes the biggest of happiness we could ever imagine. Life is not to be happy 24/7, its the bad days we truly find out who we really are, it allows us to appreciate our happiness all that much more. Pain is the teacher to our life, pain is what mentors our soul to find the brightest of light we always imagined of.
I missed my husband passed on this day, yet the pain was not unbearable, something told my heart that this life that I am living needs to be lived in the best way that I could, that my husband passed wanted me to step up to the game to give it everything that I had, that in his heart he knew the things that I was capable of, that my life shined brightly, that I was meant to move on to great things. He seen in me that there was a fire there, there was a passion bigger than the world to be achieved. Feeling sad to celebrate with out him was turned into celebrating my life that I deserved, that now is the time to trust in myself to set out to beat as well as conquer all of what I told him I dreamed of, that now is the time to move forward to reach for it all.
I like the Ghost Whisperer I see myself as the Spouse Whisperer as cheesy as it sounds, it is something I believe in my heart. Often times I always feel my intuitions speaking to me, its hard to explain but its as though I can hear the whispers of things my husband passed would always speak of, in a way it is as though it is what we are often told to listen to what the whispers of our life is trying to tell us, Oprah moment right there, thank you Oprah for the lessons you bring to our hearts. It is little things I am noticing to this day that was not there before, that was not here for quite some time, I see myself eating better, sleeping is getting better, I feel like myself, not like it is someone else living my life that I am watching. I see little things that are resurfacing that I forgot were gone. It is as though little by little I am gaining all of myself back. I know with all of who I am that the bad days will always linger, yet it does not make me fearful like before. Bring on the bad because in the bad is when I'm at my best. I often talk about being terrified of being a single mother, having to date again, yet when you finally understand that there is not anything to be terrified of is when you truly understand that as terrifying as it may be it is usually the best of things that happen. Being Terrified is your fears, understanding that your fears are just fears that your fears have no hold on you once you no longer feel it, once you face it, it no longer is a fear it's a blessing to you as well as your life.
Getting back to hearing what it was that completely disgusted me. Yesterday during a conversation I had asked "what is it with people who come in to our lives that are not at all in any way privileged enough to be there"?, to be putting it politely. In response to my question the person had said "some people out there feel to push themselves on people in grief due to the fact they feel we are weak since going through such pain". That right there made all of me want to reach through the computer to prove to the other person we were speaking of that this lady was no where near being weak. That speaking for all of us grieving are far from ever being weak nor a victim. I do not as well as will not ever accept that the grieving are weak, if anything people in grief hold a power in them bigger than anything in this life due to the fact that each day they make it past yet another day grieving. To all those who think this know in your little minds that grief is a pain that is only carried by those who have tremendous strength in them to carry it each and every day, also know that to those who grief have bared a special gift that not all get, complete, pure, true love. The weak lies in those who accept it, to those who feel there is no other way, the weak lay in those who believe in such ignorance. Never ever let anyone make you feel as though your not strong enough as well as feeling you are a victim in this trying time that you live. It is through the making it through that proves that all of it is wrong.
Grieving hearts bare a special gift, it is the grieving that the power of strength is stronger than anything in this life. Grief is not ever a weakness, it is proving to your life that you hold such a great power in you that not all can bare. Victim?? that is not even a word to associate with anything, a victim is only to be allowed if you allow yourself to be. We are not ever a victim in our life, our life is our story and in our life we are the heroes. The grieving hearts are special souls, we find it in us to hold on, to build a new life, to be able to start anew, we find it in us to walk proudly into a future of the unknown, a future that was not ever planned. Take the weak word along with victim and Barry it because those words lay no where near the grieving. To those who may say it to you or others, only say it in ignorance, they speak of it not knowing really what we carry with us every day. In them lays a bit of both words.
NOTE TO ALL: When your roaming around in your day to day activities allow your heart to be open, allow your eyes to see everything around you. Take the time to breath, take time to feel yourself as well as how it is you are feeling. Victim, weakness those are just words that take no meaning in our lives. It is in your feelings of being terrified you see that there really is nothing to be terrified about. Listen to what it is your intuition wants you to know. Find it in yourself to realise if your feeling yourself coming back to life, take notice in the littlest of things because those little things add up to be a huge thing. Know deep down our loved ones passed are speaking to us in times of need, that even though not in this world they forever will support us, that it is their support that will forever be with us each day we walk through. Dreams are not meant for just certain people, dreams are meant for us all to find as well as achieve. Our loved ones passed even though gone are still waiting for us to make it to all our goals we shared with them. They still wait to see us achieve it all.
Take the strength in you to move forward to the life you thought of before, take your dreams back to achieve them. It is in this life that we live that we understand that there is not nothing that can't be done. Walk in your life living in the moment, not in worries of the future. Worries are just in disguise of negativity, worries hold no power over you or your dreams as well as your life.
Understand that right now may be a bad day that tomorrow won't be the same. It is in the bad days you must not allow yourself to be hard on yourself, to not let go of your happiness, bad days never stick around it is just a day you need to be a little bit more powerful. Bad days do not define what your future holds. Our loved ones passed will always be there to remind us that our future is bright as well as full of so much love. Even if you feel there is no hope it is there it will be back to remind you some day very soon. Hold on to your hope once it lets you know it's back, hold on to keep moving forward to all the new days life brings to you.
0 comments:
Post a Comment