Part 1 - Facing Each Achievement Rapidly Successful

F-facing E-each A-achievement R-rapidly S-successful

 

FEARS

 

On the day I sat down to notice what it was I needed to do for myself I remember how it was, it was as though I felt like I have failed myself, that in shock I could not understand how it came about, how I let it get this far?.  It was never about the asking for help, I was not someone who felt shy at all about asking for help, yet here I was finding myself to have to ask for help, yet stunned as to how it got this far.  Through the year I discovered all of me was in full fighter mommy mode, it was in all of me to jump into the role of all out PROTECTOR, to do what ever it was in me I could do to make sure our little girl was strong, to make sure she made it through this all the best way possible.  Not even noticing that in that time I went into total mommy mode today I sit to understand how that is exactly what it was I have done.  As a parent we do so many things not realising sometimes we put our child/children first due to the fact that it is natural instincts to us.  Through it all my whole intentions were driven around to making my little girl well, to be strong for her to heal, for it to be as less painful as I can make it.  Now over a year later I find myself having to deal with my pain, I started to see things that just should not be, I felt as though there were so many issues that were just not right, that should of been at ease by now, I fought with an over whelming feeling of things yet undone. 

The day I decided to reach out was a feeling I could never ever describe, I knew what I had to do yet felt I wanted to just do it all myself, I wanted to just handle it myself, asking for help is never an easy task yet in this life it is a must, it is a part of our life to let people in at times when we need the extra strength.  With in the weeks before there was something inside me whispering "you need to reach out", "you owe it to you now to be better, to get better", "you owe it to your little girl, you owe it to your husband passed".  I just remember the feeling of complete and utter ALONE, the feeling of failure, yet in me I knew it was nothing but the opposite of that, yet in a lot of ways we feel the impact in a horrific way.  Here I was one year later feeling worse then I did less than a year ago, that really caught my attention, you could ask yourself how a gazillion times to never find out the answers.  Sometimes in every ones life you hit the road of needing a hand, you find no other options to it, it does not mean anything except it makes you a stronger person, we are not here to be alone through anything, we often reach out to so many to help,  so why look at it as being weak if we get help?.  Asking for help shows just how much strength you have within you.  We have to erase the thoughts of always needing to do it on our own, sometimes in life we need the love of another, we need the extra hands of love to help lift us up through the obstacles of life we face.

For everyone that is grieving that feels as though they are alone with no options, afraid to take that step, I say to you all to find it within your heart to just say the words "I NEED HELP" it is not a sign of any kind of weakness, it is a sign of strength, it is  a sign of facing your fears.  Grieving is something we must understand that is unpredictable, it is something that always carries with us in our hearts.  It is others that may make you feel as though something is wrong with you due to many reasons, it has nothing to do with others opinions and all to do with your heart.  So much has happened since I have boldly asked for those three words "I need help" that it blows my mind to take notice in it all.  Facing your fears is truly where all of your hopes, dreams, love lays.  Your fears once banished unveil all of everything you have ever envisioned once you have faced it, I truly see now that fears are really not fears, there fears in disguise to all the doors of greatness you ever thought of.  Facing your fears opens the doors one after another, to an endless dream of all your dreams.

On the day of my first meeting for grief, I remember feeling as though it was not even me, I felt as though it was me watching a movie, still not believing that this is where I was at, still not grasping the concept, feeling complete shock, yet all of me felt as though it was where I needed to be.  That whole day was an outer body experience, I remember just feeling blank.  So on the first day it was a one on one session and all of me went fighting as well as kicking.  In this meeting there was a question that took all of me to answer, to keep the tears away was not a battle I won.  I was asked "if I could of had a magic crystal ball to see into the future, would I have done everything I have?, with out hesitation I answered "YES" along with the rush of tears, there was my answer, in any kind of love in this life heartache will follow, it is in this life that LOVE is what we all need, LOVE is what makes our world.  As tough as it may be we all will choose love, not thinking of the heartache, yet just truly fully loving is what we focus on.  What is life with out love?.  We are LOVE.  I remember telling her our story was a real life fairytale love story, sometimes fairy tales do not have a happy ending, specially if it is in real life.  True love however will always last and be forever.  If you are out there feeling hopeless know in your heart the fears you will face are only in disguise to all of your answers, your dreams, your goals.  Reach as far as you can out and just let go, you are not in this world to be alone, you are not here to struggle, you are here to make your story have the out come you feel fit to be.

So through this all after seeing my fears unfold in to the air, I see doors opening that I have always felt in my heart to do, one after another the doors flew open leading me to all of what it was I have ever wanted.  That is when I knew in my heart that your fears are only just in disguise to make you step out of your comfort zone, to feel that beyond there is where you need not to be afraid of.  In grief our life on a daily basis is full of fears, it is through that I understand why it is we find our ways to all of our dreams, our goals, our ambitions, it is through that we truly open up to see everything a whole lot brighter in this life we are living.  In times of great pain this is there, we just have to give time to see it, to feel it, to reach so far in us to grab on to it.  That is most important, FEEL YOUR GRIEF, we all try so hard to hide from it due to knowing we will feel such horrific pain.  It is in all of us to do, just know in your heart that pain is not forever, like the seasons change so does the pain, nothing will ever be forever.

On the day of the group session again I almost wanted to just go somewhere to hide, I went kicking as well as fighting again, I felt the anxiety bursting in me for most of the time I was there.  Yet in it all I come to of met the most beautiful people, in this group layed people of the same hurt, there tears were in tune to all of what I have felt, to me during this time it was as though an instant bond was created.  I looked to each of these people with the greatest of love, I seen me in every single one of them, my heart instantly loved.  It was a very magical moment, once tears were shed you could see in every ones face as though they felt relief, they smiled knowing they really are not alone, that what they feel is not abnormal, they found others to reach out to, to laugh with, to cry with and not feel different.  A pure magical moment in this room happened that no words will ever describe.  Friendships of a lifetime through pain were created, friendships as well as love were formed through each and every one of our fears. 

NOTE TO ALL:  In life to reach the absolute greatness of your life is all there in disguise of your fears.  Fears are not at all something to be afraid of, they are there waiting for you to pull off the covers to reveal your goals, achievements, your dreams.  Every fear you face is a piece of the puzzle being put together to all of what you have ever wanted in your life, your fears are not at all something to be afraid of.  Fears are magical, they are your story waiting to be revealed, waiting to unfold to tell your story.  In grieving the fears are endless, that is why so much happens for the best that we have never noticed before.  Our loved ones passed lay in each and every fear to smile as we uncover them all, to love us in each of those fears.  Feel your grief, in the fear of the greatest pain you will ever feel will unfold to blessings of everything you ever thought of.  I have had so many dreams happen unexpectedly through this that it makes my mind dizzy, that all will be in my next post :), having to see all of this happen only makes me see that FEARS ARE TO BE FACED, it proves that fears are really part of our life in disguise to all of what we wanted in our life.

Part two to this will be next.