Imagine yourself in a room where it is pitch black; you can’t
even see your own hand in front of yourself.
Imagine you are trying so hard to see but all you feel as well as see is
black, dark, the door to get out is locked.
The sunlight never comes, no light around to see in every way you
look. Picture being in this place every
single day, waking up, going to sleep, each and every day it never
changes. Starts thinking to you how
long can a person actually go on each, every day like this? There is a hard lesson in this to all that
grieve, I felt it, I seen it, I been through it, some days it comes around
still, creeping up with no sign in sight it is on its way. However is it in the lesson of being able to
turn that black to light a way to make the light appear sooner than later
something you would want to do? I’d like
to think sooner than later most would want.
Hard lessons are usually the hardest to our hearts, the
hardest in thinking it as though we are letting go of something precious if we
choose the sooner than later choice. For
me I know very well it took me the longest to fully understand that in the sooner
was how it should be, to my heart, to my soul it was in all of me I wanted to
keep on to the later choice. To so many
the choice of sooner is as though it cannot be that it is not a choice that can
be. We all believe to hold on is to
always keep what we loss close to us, yes it does but to be in total darkness
is not where we should stay. In it all
the hardest lesson to all is sooner is what choice our loved ones passed want
to see us choose, while so many believe to choose later is what is right, to
feeling the pain of the loss is what needs to be to hold on to that great love
we lost.
This is so hard for me to type but in the hard conversations
comes the love that is needed. The dark
room I describe some days still gets me, yet I know the sooner choice I choose
will lead back in all the light I need.
The toughest thing in my grieving was this choice, this was the hardest
lesson learned to my heart. Going
through life there are no promises, there are no guarantees. Our choices are our own to make, the choices
being made are creating the path we walk, so in the hardest of choices you can
choose for life to start traveling down a different path than the path you
would love to be on. This is it this is
our life to choose and no going back.
There are choices you make that can bring back on the path you want to
be on yet wanting to be there must truly come from your heart.
I look around me to see so many stories of heartache, I hear
over and over the pain, the sadness, the hurt, all of me feels it, yet as I
look to that person I ask myself “has the choice been made? Do they even know of the choice? Are the feeling that it is where they need to
be to honor the loss of their loved ones?”
The hardest part in your grief is the choices you have to make, in those
choices lays great change, a feeling as though you are letting go, the fact
that you believe so much in what it is you are doing, that it all has to be the
way it is, not knowing it’s in change as well as good choices you grow, you
become you, I know that through all of that the pain deepens that no longer the
life you seen has vanished, so staying where you are is kind of where your
heart wants you to be in the feeling that holding on you can still see that
life.
For me this was the toughest of my choices I had ever had to
make, to choose the sooner over the later.
In others eyes I may of seemed the love I had felt for my husband passed
was not so if I choose the sooner. I
had to keep telling myself it is not about holding a shrine to our love is
where it validated my love for him, that not wanting to feel the pain made our
love any less than it was, to understand how others seen who I was is not
important to my life, it didn’t make me who I am. To choose the sooner, meaning to release the
pain, release the hurt, letting in the light to move you forward, yet not
letting go of the love as you move forward but placing it in a sacred place you
take with you. Yes pain in losing your
loved ones is a pain that is like no other and easier said than done. It is hard work to program your mind to
understand that the pain is not the choice you make. Every day is a huge struggle but little by
little if you choose the sooner it comes to you, the darkness becomes less, the
more you see it the easier it is to keep choosing it.
I often remind myself that some people may choose the later
because now it is where they feel they need to be, that in their mind helping
themselves is not an option. Remember
when you’re out there helping others that some people just don’t feel they need
that help; they feel they don’t need that change. I heard someone say “I give up; it hurts too
much to try and feel better”, losing our love is not about it being easy but it
is about knowing that our loved ones passed never want us to be in this life in
darkness, to hold yourself hostage to what we feel is what holds them closer to
us, to not forget. When I see so many
choosing the later I just want to scream but go deep within my heart to
remember the exact day I was in that room, that it was not easy to get out
of. Our loved ones passed as well are
disconnected from us in that darkness, our heart and soul cannot hear the whispers
of our love if we block ourselves off of the bright light that seeks us. We miss the beauty of the signs sent our way
from loved ones passed in that darkness, so in reality choosing to be there
doesn’t bring us closer it separates us from our loved ones passed.
Grief is not easy, that is not what I am saying, I am saying
to choose the sooner than the later, to yes perhaps have a relapse back to the
darkness but to pull out in you all of your strength to get back into the light
that is all around if you allow it to be.
Being able to this I know is not easy, yet anything in this life is
doable if only we are willing to do what is needed. Darkness invades my days from time to time
but that darkness knows by now that I chose the sooner, so as soon as it
invades it escapes. No one can be in
that story I described the rest of their life, it is just all about choosing
the sooner so soon enough you can start to find out that the pain is not what
is needed to know you love your loved ones passed as much as you do. It is to honor your loved ones passed by
choosing the sooner so they too can send whispers as well as signs to you, your
heart, your life, your soul. It’s in the
sooner they too can start being the guidance in the life where you are now.
Most may think to change is to forget or to let go, erase
that from it all change is simply a part of life to get us to where we dreamed
of, even if that place is to be with your loved ones passed it still will be
you carry them with you through the change to that place you dreamed to
be. Pain is also a force field to any
clear thinking you need in life to make healthy choices for you, your life, and
your soul. Pain is not where anyone
should be in a constant every day place, it brings in negativity, it keeps you
from finding positive anywhere you look.
To say well “ I can’t see positive because my loved one passed is gone,
is to say “I don’t want my loved one pass to be close to me, to be in my heart,
to be with me not seen but unseen”. There
is a difference to pain and grief, grief is to know you lost that unconditional
love in flesh, that it carries with you all your life, pain is the negative
that keeps you disconnected to that love.
To truly take in all of the love you shared, to fully take your loved
ones passed all into you is closer than anything imagined, soul to soul, pain
is to reject that.
An elderly man across from me lost his wife he had been with
a life time, as I watched him going on with his life, doing things every day,
just truly living, smiling made me go over to him to ask him “your doing so
well, well it seems to me that you are, what is it that makes you smile, to
keep going on not staying in the pain of the loss?” he simply answered “ I know she is not gone,
that she is with me still that in my heart our love will always be, feeling
sorry for losing her keeps my heart away from knowing she is there that in my
heart is her space for our love not pain”.
He simply WOWED me, that is what all people in darkness need to know,
need to remind themselves of each and every day, all the people that feel alone
that feel afraid to step forward. So
many broken hearts are out there that it is not how life should be; it is
unfair to know that so many suffer in silence.
This is all the more reason I feel in my heart to make an impact to the
word grief, to those that grieve, to make the noise needed so others can move
forward, step into the light that is there’s to own. Making noise long enough will be seen and
heard, baby steps by baby steps my noise will make its way out there.
The other night as I sat outside I looked up to the sky as I
type this it is still hard for me to believe so I know as you read this it will
be for you to. I looked up to the sky to
see this bright light like a bolt of energy moving so fast staying in same spot
but moving back and forth, yes here we have the casino lights but I knew the
difference, this bright ball of light was moving so quick it changed a couple
times as though it got longer as it changed and got longer it turned to a
beautiful bright blue, I stared up thinking to myself “yea something’s up with
my vision, but remembered as I sat there it was memories of my husband passed I
was thinking of, I smiled while I kept watching knowing if it was in The later
I chose that this beautiful moment happening right now would of never
been. I also remember being in the
backyard with my back to the backyard, in that moment I got the feeling someone
was there, I turned to look really quick to see a tiny rabbit, a wild rabbit
that came so close to me with no fear, thinking to myself usually bunnies never
ever approach a person especially the wild ones, to know my husband passed is
to know he LOVED animals, in that moment I smiled along with tears, yet tears
of happiness. So many of signs to note
but not would have ever seen if I would of choose the later choice.
Yes this is the hardest choice in grief, yet life is not
meant to be easy, it is also in the hardest of choices you will find the beautifulness
of so many things waiting for you to find.
I do also know sometimes if you are in the toughest of your pain you
could very well get a sign, that sign from your loved ones passed will be a
sign that you just can’t put off as being something it is not, that is their
way saying to you “HEY stop what you’re doing and choose the sooner choice”, I
say this in knowing that it has happened to me. Changing and choosing the sooner choice is
like being reborn again, it breaks you open so fully that not anything feels
out of your reach, you redesign your whole being to seeing things you never thought
possible before, you take on nothing more than miracles that happen day by day. You rebuild you yet the piece of you from
before still remains, you start knowing what is most important to live the life
you have always heard others talk of in pure bliss. You take on the world in a whole brighter,
different greater way. Your narrowed
vision expands to the whole vision of how it all should be.
To think that in pain is where you truly show your loved
ones passed that you love them is not how it is supposed to be, to think that
holding a shrine forever in pain is where you can remember that love and them
as well is not how it works, it is not what our loved ones passed need us to be. ~ Grieving is a necessary passage and a
difficult transition to finally letting go of sorrow - it is not a permanent
rest stop. ~Dodinsky ~ we must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our
journey. ~Kenji Miyazawa ~. Take that shrine you hold in darkness to
move into the light in a sacred place in you.
I’m not here to say that I am processing this better than anyone else, I
am here to speak from my heart of things I noticed through the darkest of my
days, I am here for my husband passed as his wings touched my soul to leave me
with unconditional love to all that grieve.
NOTE TO ALL: Choose the sooner
because in the sooner lays the closest you can ever be to your loved ones
passed, step forward into the light that waits for you, in the later too much
time is wasted in pain that shields from the love of your loved ones passed for
far too long. So the hardest choice is
to choose letting go of the pain, that not all at once it will leave, I know
the pain always lingers it’s the choice to not stay in it due to feeling you
need to. Take the choice of sooner to
know that it is all in the sooner you find pieces of amazingness that are of
value to you progressing in grief, to noticing the little signs that it is
getting different, in a good way. AS I
said before I know once consumed in pain the difficulties you have to fight
back, it is sometime debilitating yet in us all the light we carry, the love we
shared with our loved ones passed is always to our advantage to take that pain
to make it put at ease. All I say here
is with love, from the heart and in the knowing what a true struggle it is
every day to go through grief, to understand pain is not grief, to me pain is
what keeps you stuck, grief is feeling and knowing the loss is there yet not
letting the pain hold me hostage. Grief carries
with us always in reminder to what it was we lost, yet once you feel the pain
that comes with feeling that loss is where you can get stuck, acknowledging it
is there is half the battle.
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