Dear Dad:

 

I remember being a little girl wondering where it was you were so often, I use to watch the door thinking in time you'd be back from where ever you had to go.  Hours passed, months, years, yet I do remember when you were around that you loved me so much, that you'd let me do just about anything I wanted just to make me laugh.  I still remember those memories like it was yesterday.  I often questioned myself if the memories were so happy, that I truly felt your love than why are you no longer here with me?, why are you not here to make me laugh?, to love me?.  However as I got a little older I do remember seeing you every so often on the weekend but soon that faded, asked myself why but could never understand why.  Often times I looked around as I went places wondering where you were, that maybe if you seen me you would hug me and realise what you have left.

 

As I grew to an older young lady, constantly seeing other fathers with their daughters something in me broke, in me I felt all of me sink deep into low self worth, low self-esteem, feeling as though it was me that was not worthy to be loved, as though it was my fault I didn't have what all the other girls had around me.  As I kept growing it was as though that grew bigger in me, life was looked at through that little girls eyes that always sat and waited for you to come back but never did.  Remembering the emotions in me just made it all that more worse, it got to a point where when you wanted to take interest in my life what love I had was broke, that after all this time you were not ever around why allow it to happen now?  The lady I grew to be was strong on the outside but on the inside she was desperately seeking the love of her father, that all little girls should always have.  Part of my heart as I grew did not grow with me, yes the love of my Mother was bigger than life, her love made me the beautiful woman I am today.

 

I remember not feeling as though I was ever going to be worthy of anyone Else's love, that in all men I seen distrust, darkness, unworthy of, trying to seek love in all the wrong places, looking for what has been lost for so long not knowing it was never to get back.  So many times I remember that hurtful resentment I felt for you, just thinking of you made me want to hurt you just as much as you hurt me.  To this day I still feel that pain but this young lady knows I am worth it, that I am beautiful, that I do accept me, that I do love me but after all these years wasted I finally now see I AM worthy of anything, that I am someone, that I can be what ever it is I want to be, that I can do what ever it is I want to do.  Thirty-six years later and I finally just turned on my own light, I found my space, I found my wholeness.

 

 

To this day I can make peace with all the tears that fell, the suffering, pain, heart aches, I can finally say "I forgive you", I can finally find in my heart to let go of the suffering, the loss, the unworthiness, the negative of it all.  Yes time to time I think of would I ever of been better if you had been there?  I know now it was up to me to make that happen for myself not you yet your love probably would of made me a stronger person earlier in life rather than later.  Resentment sometimes when I see you?  Yes, yet it never lingers for too long, or stays within me to fester, I've learned to let go and forgive, I forgive for my own self love, to see you differently instead of with such anger, I see you as someone not that someone that hurt me, I see you as my dad, that even through the worse of it all I do love you, your my father, that you did love me but didn't know how to show it, you didn't know how to express it, that what ever it was it was not because of me.

 

The scar will always be there to be shown yet it is a scar I am proud to wear, it proves that I've been through the toughest of things but am a woman now and have made it through the battle proudly, never giving up, still able to love me, to find me, to be fully me, even with  out your love I did it.  I bare the scar proudly so others out there can see for themselves that they to will get through it.  Still to this day its as though I have no father, I know your out there but nothing is between us.  Of course I love you, your my father, do I like who you are?   probably not.  Do I forgive you?  YES because to forgive you frees me from the chains that will forever bound me to darkness if I don't.  Looking to my little girl I sometimes tear up knowing what a great grand daughter you have, and how much fun she would be, how happy you could be, yet know deep down that all her love she needs is all around her now that lacking yours is ok, that her to one day will forgive.

 

Now I think of her loss, her daddy by no means of his own has left her life, it makes me feel as though I cant breathe when I think she to will see so many with their fathers and wonder why she don't have hers no longer, yet with the knowledge I hold in my heart from knowing how that feels I will use it to love her the greatest, fullest that I can that in me I will represent her fathers love for him, that she to will know she can get through it, looking to me to know that I did to.  Both of us together will shine our lights bright out to the world to show others its ok to bare the scar they have, to be proud and show the world it is ok, not to hide it, its a scar that shows all you made it and are still making it through "The secret to change is to focus all your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new" ~ Unknown ~

 

 

So dad here I am watching you as I have never seen you before, I see you helpless, I see you breathing not on your own, I see so many wires connected to all parts of you, your eyes closed, monitors all around me, not knowing what to expect to happen out of this all.  I remember in some ways that's about how I felt as a little girl, but as I think this I don't feel the anger no more, I don't feel the resentment, I feel all I want you to know is that I love you, that no matter what I have always loved you, is it too late?  have I held on to this for too long?  is it too late or do you know in your heart I do?  So many questions weigh my heart down, yet I thought something that wouldn't be so hard turned out to be the worse of pain I could feel, that shocked in anger I say "why is this so hard?, I was never close to you like normal daughters should, understanding it didn't matter that love was there right from the day I was conceived and it didn't matter what happened between that I was still part of you and you part of me.

 

I keep looking to you in hopes to see you open your eyes, every day that goes by I wait for you to come through this, I visit you, I touch your hand, touch your forehead, I am there with heart full of love hoping you feel that.  It's funny each time I go there I hope to see that bull headed strong person around the corner awake and giving the nurses a hard time but it hasn't been like that, I see you helpless this time and it truly terrifies me.  I am thinking to myself "is this going to be it for us?  did we waste so much time not saying "I love you" that our time has run out?  So many emotions run through all of me, it's unbearable to feel, the tears fall so hard to the floor heavy with regret, knowing if this is it that now for the rest of my life I'd have to make peace with the fact I never told you what I should of.  I seen the true hurt in your eyes when you found out I lost my husband, but you can't see me to see that hurt in me if I lose you. 

 

I know deep down in all of me you know I love you, that you just have to know it, if I know it than you definitely do to, yet those words never spoken I will carry with me the rest of my life if you never make it back to me.  I look to you every day in eager hope that today's the day, today's the day you will be awake and better, so far that has not come, shattered again my heart feels, broken, debilitated, those feelings I've just only started to live with, yet they may be have to felt all over again.  I honestly do not know what I am going to do if you leave this world.  That's a bridge unknown so for now I will make sure I whisper in your ear "I love you" every time that you are not awake and know in my heart you hear it.   

 

 

Every night I will continue to pray for you, to pray for us, that this time around no matter where you are, you will know I love you, you will always know no matter what I love you.  To see you the way you are is a reminder once again that life is short, to not hold grudges, to always just love all and who that you can.  I hope that you know even if you were not around that because of you I am who I am today that I'm proud to be your daughter, I hope your dreaming of all the times we did have, the laughs, the smiles, the fun, spoiling me rotten, I always noticed the light in your eyes when you seen me so happy, and always wanted to see me that way.

 

I just want you to fully know and feel I love you so much dad, and do hope so deeply in my heart that you feel it, that you know, that some how some way God will whisper that to you every night while I'm sleeping, that he will comfort your heart in knowing that it doesn't matter about the past that in the present your daughter will love you forever, that your daughter will always be proud of her daddy where ever she goes.

 

I pray to the Lord he gives us another chance, yet if he don't I pray even more the first thing he lets you know is I love you so much, that I could of never had a better father than you even though our past is not what it should be that it doesn't matter that I forgave you and will love you always.  My daughter says this to her dad every night so tonight I say it to my daddy, "I love daddy, daddy loves me, God bless daddy, God bless me".

 

 

 

 

 



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Take Me To The River



The other night it was an end of the heat wave that had us all seeking the cool, in the end it was a feeling that all could feel as they went out to breathe to finally be able to breathe and not feel as though they were melting.  It was a beautiful evening the wind that blew had a cool touch to it, My sister from another mother I like to call her had called me to go out like we usually do, grab a coffee, sitting at the river front watching the water as we talk about life and the struggles we felt that day, that week of the loss we bare.  Susan to me is a true blessing and just know deep in my heart that she was sent into my life for a reason, someone to reflect upon me that I am not alone, someone I could trust with words of sadness to happiness of life, she truly to me is a blessing from up above.  To have a best friend like this is a true gift to the heart, the day we met I remember feeling as though we already knew each other forever, I guess as we looked at one another it was a reflection in the mirror knowing the loss we deal with is there, the pain, the struggles, the tears, it is all of what we know we both been through and still go through.

So on this night it was not of any difference than what we would usually do to grab a coffee head to the river and talk about anything and everything our hearts were feeling heavy about.  Yet in me it was different this time, I felt giggly, I felt the feeling comical, like I wanted to just laugh and look around to see what it was I could get in to.  I remember looking around watching the water, seeing the reflection of the sun beaming and glistening off the water, I remember the fluffy clouds standing still, trying to figure out why it was they were not moving.  This is truly how I understand that when you let the child in you out is when you open doors to nothing but absolute happiness, pureness.  In my funny there was no stopping our laughing.  As I looked towards the car next to us pulling up to park, I joked that he was a hotty, not at all but I had been talking about being single and how it was so exhausting for me to feel that feeling we all search for.  So jokingly I stared at this man, while Susan could not refrain herself from not laughing, I watched him get out of his jeep, staring back at me I’m thinking I boosted his ego, or however he could have been thinking what is up with that crazy girl staring, either, or it was just me and my frisky side coming through, I remember through this a lady next to us I had noticed alone, very upset, you could feel the pain she bared as she sat in her car alone.  I remember mentioning a couple times asking “should I go and see if she is ok, yet feeling I don’t want to invade her privacy nor make her feel uncomfortable. 

I remember telling Susan that I could not stand seeing pain in people, that in my heart I felt I wished I could help everyone that is feeling sad or that are in times of despair, that sometimes I wasn’t sure if it was a curse or a blessing, we definitely looked at each other and answered blessing.  During the feeling of laughter and feeling frisky wanting to just be out of my comfort zone I glanced back and forth from the lady to the man I was staring down noticing he was up against a ledge, looking at Susan I say “ I should walk that ledge passing right by him just for fun, like all kids love doing walking the plank of whatever they could, Susan laughed telling me “do it, just do it”, so I got out of the car hiked myself up on the ledge laughing so hard I couldn’t even walk a straight line, as I got to the man he spread out arms out over his jeep saying “please just don’t fall on my jeep, you can fall on me just not my jeep”, I could hear Susan laughing so hard at this point I looked to the man to say “no worries I won’t fall no worries, that if I did this I get 50 bucks from my friend that it was a dare”.  So I walked to the end than walked back past the man as he said “I think you’re doing a pretty good job”, he was just happy I didn’t fall on him.  Jumping down getting back in the car I could not even stop laughing in knowing just how crazy I must have just seemed. 

 

 

It was funny because I just know something this little was not something I’d ever do before, yet knowing that in life freeing yourself of the seriousness we always feel and letting out that child in you is a must, life is not meant to be so serious every single moment, it’s about laughing, feeling funny, releasing your craziness from time to time, forcing yourself to be the person that you normally are way too much.  In grieving I do know that letting out that part of you is much needed to the heart and soul.  The whole time of doing these silly acts the lady still was heavily in my heart knowing that if this was me alone in a car upset, crying, feeling such pain that I’d want someone to notice me, I’d want someone to ask me if I was ok, we all do not ever want to feel invisible to anyone, everyone deserves to be noticed, that they are known to this big world we are in.  So after being able to do what I did, I thought to myself why not do what my heart was asking me and approach this lady, the worse she could do is say leave me be please.  I then got back out of the car to approach her car, feeling all of me scared, out of my boundaries, as I came close to the car the intense feeling had me almost froze yet I got up enough strength to knock on her car window, she glanced at me quickly and I could see in her eyes the heavy hurt as well as pain that she was carrying.  She opened her window looking at me like why are you here?, I asked “I don’t mean to invade your space nor interrupt you but I could see that your very upset and wanted to know if you’re ok?  She smiled the first smile I seen as I watched her next to us for quite some time, said “I am ok thank you so much for asking”, I then asked if she was sure, if she needed someone to talk to, if she is sure she would be ok?  She answered “thank you so very much for asking me and thank you so much for caring and not even knowing me but I will be ok, she was so very grateful that I had approached her, that she was noticed and not invisible to this world. 

I told her “you’re so very welcome that if she changed her mind I was just right there next to her”, walked away and got back into the car.  Susan couldn’t believe the things I was doing on this night, she just glanced and smiled.  So the man with the jeep was gone, I glanced around for anymore silliness I could get into but wasn’t finding anything.  After just a few minutes approaching the lady next to us in her car, we saw her get out of her car coming our way.  I smiled in knowing that she was going to open up even if we were strangers that sometimes you have to take the chance to believe that there truly are genuine, nice people in this world.  She came to our car on my side to ask “could you really tell that I was upset and hurting lots?”  I told her “I knew she was having a hard time that something was not right, the look on her face touched my heart”.  She smiled to tell us “I’m usually a very private person but you were so nice to come over to ask me if I was ok I’d thought I’d come to see what it is you thought of what it was that has been bothering me so much for a long time”.  I told her “ok,  ask away we can help and give our opinions to try and help as much as we can”  In her story she talked of her husband how he was a high profiled DR, that she to was a DR, that they were married for 19 years, that a nurse that worked with her husband was texting him, not in a professional way, that she texted him A LOT, that it made her feel as though maybe something was happening that she had no control over, even after explaining to her husband it made her uncomfortable, that it was coming between them, he still refused to understand her due to not wanting to make his work space uncomfortable, or unprofessional.

I listened to her story to not assume or make harsh rash judgement towards her husband, that as she talked of them I truly felt he loved her, that in my gut I felt that it truly was not what she thought it was, that the nurse doing this was wanting to use her husband for leverage, to get higher in her place at work, and that knowing it bugged her she liked that it did.  I told the lady what is it you feel?  What is it your gut is saying to your heart?  She could not answer a definite answer which led me to understand that her husband was not cheating, that he was a very nice man not wanting to ruin his reputation or work place by something that could stop on its own by not giving in to it.  I watched the look on her face, I seen the pain that it brought to her as heavily as she actually felt a divorce in her future.  I spoke of all that I could that what I felt about the story just by what she was saying to us.  As we spoke to one another I felt peace, I smiled in knowing just how quick people are to judge that here we all were strangers yet something so personal to her was being released.  I felt peace in knowing that my heart whispered to me to approach her and I did, and for good reason it was meant to be.  I felt in the moment peace of knowing no matter what nationality, what race, what culture, we are all of the same inside, we hurt, we laugh, we need to know we are noticed that even if a stranger you are cared for.  You could tell this situation had made herself –esteem and wellbeing drown, I looked to her to say that in her she had to build back her all, known in her heart she is a strong woman she has always been that things that we cannot control are there to teach us a lesson, that it was up to us to find those lessons.  That even in worst case scenario she would always be able to do whatever it was that she had to go through she could do it.  We talked to her about how she was talking to 2 widows; she looked in complete shock saying “you’re so young to be widows, that she was so very sorry to hear that”. 

 

 

We than asked where she was from, she told us Pakistan, that again reminded me that so many out there put labels on everyone for the one person who brought harm, that just because one person causes such pain the label does not carry out to all.  That’s when my eyes opened to this life even more, that the perceptions of others can fog your own sense of love and thoughts.  As I looked to this lady I seen in her that she too was like we are, feelings, pain, struggles, that no matter where or who she was that she was us, she was a part of us.  As we talked we all looked at one another and decided to say a prayer, “God give us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference”.  In all of this my heart opened so much taking in life as it should be seen, it’s about helping others no matter who they are, no matter if a stranger, to be brave enough to approach someone that you feel is in pain, to assist in love no matter what or who they are.  That was when I realised it is not just wanting to help people grieving, that in my heart it is about to help everyone I can in pain, that throughout my life the pattern has always been there, people would always come to me to ask of advice, to see if I could help them, people where ever I go always approach me for whatever reason it may be, that is when I realised my purpose has always been there around me for so long trying to allow me to pay attention and know what the whispers were trying to get me to hear.  That no matter what the Unconditional love in my heart is enough for whoever it is I need to help, the gift in me was the comfort I send out to others in their time of need.  That it didn’t matter if a stranger or not that is what it was I was here to do. 

Susan worked her love and could not believe the words she spoke of to this lady in such compassion, during our conversation a family had been walking by us, they were taking pictures, the lady we were speaking to asked if she could take a picture for them of all of them.  They to approached us full of smiles and laughter speaking of going out for dinner and the one man joking he had to pay the bill that the other man was so happy because he had a free meal.  They joked to us about how Canada got its name that they were from Detroit.  The lady we were speaking to you could see the pain was gone; she smiled so bright and even helped out the family by taking a picture for them.  That was when I realised one good deed to someone leaves a trail to others learning from you to wanting to help others.  Paying it forward was happening in the little area we were in.  I looked to the lady to see her pain was no longer that her smile was there, her eyes were bright, I smiled in knowing that we helped, that due to jumping out of the fear I opened the doors to free, fearlessness that I learned to listen to my heart, my intuition that on this night we freed someone of the chains of pain that bounded them to feeling helpless, we helped chase away her darkness.  We got out of the car and hugged her after asking if she needed a hug.  After that we exchanged phone numbers.  Unsure of how this would turn out we wanted this lady to know we cared and she could contact us anytime she needed.

We said our good byes but knew a friendship was created, me and Susan looked at one another and laughed, not at the seriousness of it all but at the fact that whenever we were together we attracted people to us, we attracted people in need to us and helped them no matter what the situation was, no matter if a stranger, the feeling in you helping others is a feeling like no other.   It allows you to rise above your own sorrow to smile in understanding you truly helped someone despite of how you felt in your times of struggle.  So after the intense time we spent with this lady we drove to go back home, still in amazement of what we did and all that happened.  Now here is where the huge miracle came in to place that night, after truly sending out unconditional love, praying to God and the universe together me and Susan got a text from the lady.  “Hey girls, I am so glad we met today.  "Here is an update, my husband called and said that he wants to be with me and not ruin things because of a stupid little quarrel, THANK YOU SO SO MUCH.  GOD BLESS YOU.  That his phone has always been open to her to see, he has nothing to hide.  He does not want this to affect his life with me.  I just need to say you were angels for me today. We need to meet again on a happy note”.   So you have to wonder was it the love in our words, heart soul, that aligned to her needs, was it that I stood up to notice her or is it just the fact that when love sees love the most of the beautiful lest miracles manifest.  I do believe when your love is pure with no intent is where your dreams align becoming closer to your life noticing that what you do comes from your heart not from what you want in the materialistic way.

 

 

LIFE is all about loving unconditionally to others out in this world, no matter who, where, why in that all is the pureness of what God is.  So in your service to act for him with others is truly where miracles are, where miracles are attracted.  In those moment surrounded by the beauty all around us we opened our hearts we opened our love to find in it is where healing happens, where blessings are granted.  I remember being there, taking the time to breathe in the cool air, seeing the amazing pink sky, the green of the trees, the stillness of the water, yet also paid attention to every word that was spoken.  That sometimes our purpose is of many things, to not surround it to just one thing.  Helping others is to help yourself as well, it brings in peace, it brings in love, leaving you forget just what it was you were stressing of, you let go of your own worries and difficulties to see life is so much more than that.  All this is a reminder to me that just when you thought your heart was open that it can open more and more as you truly live life and see it in the beauty it is all around, that it is there working for you not against you.  To open your love no matter what nationality, religion, culture is there in front of you that is in need that the perception of one person does not lead to how others are. 

Casting judgement before even knowing is creating darkness to your soul, not knowing the person in front of you is part of you, realising we all are similar we all hold similarities that ties us to one another, looking to someone knowing that in them lies a piece of you is what allows you to truly see life the way it is meant to be seen.  Everyone is always so quick to assume that taking the time to let the love through holds us back to so many of things in our own life.  Even if the lesson comes later in life at least it is there to open you up to life as it should be, just don’t let later be too long because our life is too short to not truly see it how it should be.  If you feel that gift in you don’t try to bury it because you fear what it is, that gift in you is a gift of why you are here to make this world a better place that it is.

NOTE TO ALL:  We are all here for a reason, not for our own personal reasons, not to lift ourself higher alone, not to look to the materialistic things we could have by using our purpose but to see life around us in its pureness, to see others with love, to open our hearts to the world with unconditional love.  Use your gift for the pureness of love not to use it for your own to get to where you need to alone, use it to hold hands with others in life to walk with them to where you all need to be.  Realise in the quiet what it is that makes your heart beam out into the world to catch the eyes of so many leading them to search for their own, use that love you feel in your heart to know that is how your life should be lived, that in every second of what you do it is not work it is love, that to you it feels freeing of your own darkness that may be in you, finding it in you is to free yourself to being trapped in a hole, to rising above it out into the world living life as it is need be. 

It is not very far from you, your gift, purpose is around you all the time trying to help you see it, understand it, feel it, it is always around waiting for you to discover what it is trying to let you know.  “Life has no meaning.  Each of us has a meaning and we bring it to life.  It is a waste to be asking the question when you are the answer ~Joseph Campbell~

 

 

Susan and I so grateful she was placed at the exact perfect of time in my life, go team peace makers :)

 

 



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Penny For My Thoughts

 

 

I'm an Emotional mess Happy to be seeing my dreams coming true sad knowing the person that was the happiest and believed in me the most is not here to see smiling and being excited for me no matter what happens I do know IT WILL BE OK and my heart knows that somewhere he is smiling and proud

As I embark on another one of my dreams coming true my husband passed lays heavy on my heart tonight.  I cried knowing that tomorrow as I embrace another dream I won't see him smiling back at me knowing all of what I am accomplishing he knew I could do.  So yes two years later the grief still lurks behind me, reminding me it will always be there through good times and bad as I grow into the new person I want to be.  Tomorrow I start a dream that's been for so long, to bring WidowintheCity to life on T.V in hopes to reach out to all that I can, however this unfolds I know in my heart it will be, that in me is the strength to reach for what it is I need to do and be.  I use my purpose blessed upon me on the day I lost my husband, graced by him in my heart.  So now one has to wonder "oh great now tomorrow while your on camera your going to have bags, nothing cucumbers can't handle, because the tears that fall were meant to fall, not to be kept inside.  Crying is part of letting go of the pain that lingers heavy on your soul, crying is a must, holding back is creating darkness inside you never to be let out.

 

So tomorrow will come, yet with me I know in my heart I will take my husband passed with me to not see his smile but feel it in my heart.  Knowing he is smiling where ever he may be, that although he is not by my side he is with me in my heart and spirit.  After all it is because of him I am jumping all in with what my heart tells me what I should be doing. 

 

So yes here I am two years later still feeling the impact of loss, yet am I thinking something must be wrong because to others it may seem long enough?  NO, simply because I know as each tear falls that it is my grief, that the time does not make it go away to disappear, that the love in my heart is always there to remind me what it was we shared.  That no matter how long it will always be mine to own, that no matter what it is mine to let out not keep inside, it is in the tears part of us releases the pain each tear that falls, keeping it in to keep a strong face for others is to ignore the life that meant so much to you.  As always grief comes so fast without warning it slaps you so hard yet in that moment in every breath taken you know it will pass, that stepping forward is all you need to say good bye to that surprised moment of grief.  As I sat in tears I noticed just how fast my heart felt peace knowing in the making the new I still had the old me there, that no matter what a piece of the old me will always be who I am, that it's OK to bring in the new with that part of the old you.  Peace was felt in all of me knowing the connection of love that ties me and my husband passed will always be made me understand tomorrow he is not going to be seen but will be there embracing the new me he seen in me a long time ago.

 

I remember the person I use to be and waiting for her to find her way back to me, I remember how life was before knowing now it never be the same. Looking back I always remembered how I was then that I forgot to notice the who I am now. Once I started looking to the now instead of the past I started seeing things around me, I started noticing in me that the old me is still with me it's just waiting for me to start the part of the new me. Knowing that in the new me was a clean slate to make anyway I chose.

Knowing deep down I'd always feel the impact of my loss but knowing through it the world will never wait for me. That in the new lied so many of scary things of unknown, finding out the scary was not that scary at all. Sometimes the scary crept back in but in making the new I knew it would leave as soon as I unfolded the new I was building in each step I built back to who I am now. It's OK that the old you cries sometimes for wanting all of the old you back, it's OK to cry for what was of great impact to your heart, soul life, but knowing in the crying you are still moving forward building the new part of you, that in it is OK, that deep down we will always have that little part of us with us cheering us on in all we do now



 If you look around to see those that once were there that you thought would always be there and see new faces know in your heart it is the ones still standing with you that truly love the old and new you now, that the ones that are no longer were a lesson to you that what they may of been to you was not real. I say to the now however long or little of time it has been that it's OK to feel free to feel the feelings you feel, that the tears fall, the smiles smile, in it all it is you being the best of the new you that you can be. It's always going to flicker in our hearts the impact of the loss we have lost, yet the love is where the connection never goes out, never disconnects, it's in that connection you know in your heart it's OK to make the new you, that in the new that tie of love will always be.

It's OK to feel what you feel no matter how long it's been or how short it has been, carry that connection of love with you through each your days and understand it is OK.  Penny for my thoughts tonight.  Through the tough lays the peace once you take the steps to get there.  All of this was just something that came on so fast but now leaving so fast knowing that it is OK to cry, it is OK to miss, that to avoid it is to avoid the work you need to be doing to get to the new you, you are creating now.  I free myself of the barriers of how others feel how things should be knowing it is how I feel it should be, that the opinion of others is not of more value than my own.

 

So here we come to my dream coming true again tomorrow, knowing with me I carry our love with us through all the new I get through, that no matter what my husband passed will always be aware of the things that I accomplish, that unseen he is with me to hug my heart and my soul.  That the little part of the old me smiles in knowing that I am finally not afraid to do the things I should of a long time ago.  Jumping in and believing in my dream is all I will be doing tomorrow and if yet again the tears may fall I will know it is OK, that this is mine to own not no one Else's.  Be true to you, don't put on a strong face when in that moment you feel the tears because that is denying you of the true you and caring about what others may think.  No matter what you are who you are not to be here to be what others want you to be. 

 

 

NOTE TO ALL:  Tonight as my tears fell this is the thoughts that came to my heart, thought that I would share and release what it was I was feeling to let go and take my steps forward.  Tomorrow I will keep jumping both feet in,  I will cry if I need to cry not worrying of what others may feel or think, not caring where I am or who is around because after all being the real you is where your heart beams the strongest out to the world and showing others it's OK to be who you are.

 

 



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Vision Board To Reality

 

Have you ever tried to see something in your mind yet felt it just wasn’t right or felt absolutely nothing?  The vision you tried seeing just wasn’t there.  That to me is a sure sign that what you are trying to fit into is just not right or maybe just not the right time.  However to determine what your trying to vision is it because you truly can’t or is it fear standing in your way making you doubt what it is your trying to see in your mind.  Finding that place where you do believe you can be, letting go of all negativity is a place of reality that is yours in your reach, that special place is where dreams are made to become your reality.  Yes just because you can vision it does not mean tomorrow it will be, it means if you believe in you, truly believe in you and all of what you see than the day will be, no matter how long or how fast, that vision is yours to keep dreaming, to keep working for.

Finding a place in you where all of you belongs, finding that each dream that becomes a reality the bigger your dreams become.  Taking the time out of your days to just be all in the moment, taking the time to vision that vision, being quiet, seeing it over and over again each day, finding it in you to be grateful for the little things that happen, finding it in you to keep your strength when you sometimes get discouraged, side tracked, knocked down.  It’s in the laying down where you just know that it has not knocked you down for good; you just like the view for a little while lying down.  Look up to see the clouds above, the sun, everything that surrounds you.  It’s ok to take a break once in a while but never forgetting getting back up is always how it will be.  If someone ever told me what it is I vision is not doable, I’d smile in knowing that they just don’t know what it is they are missing.  It’s not in others to decide where you will be anyway, I say in the nice way what it was I would say, although some out there truly need to see in others that they too can vision whatever it is they want from their life, that seeing you dream your dreams could very well encourage another to do so as well.  Love the saying “When life knocks you down….calmly get back up, smile and very politely say, you hit like a bitch”.  Rephrase that line when it is someone who tries knocking you down for the dreams that you hold.

So this blog is dedicated to my vision board, brought to my blog here in this post, part of it anyway.  Thought that since so much has been happening around me I’d do a post, since my husband passed it’s been a fire of passion burning in my heart to love those that grieve, to look to them is to see myself, what they struggle through, what pain they get dragged through, the moments after moments of ups and downs, the feelings of how good you may be doing than find out within seconds your back down eyes full of tears feeling as though the very first day you said good bye.  Seeing here I am two years later and still have those emotions, that through it so much has been taught to my heart, my soul, my whole being.  Knowing out there some in silence are afraid, seeing the abandonment of others lost around those that grieve that simply are uncomfortable, that don’t know how to approach grief is what ignites the fire in my heart to be the ONE to touch hearts all over the world about grief, about how so many struggle in darkness due to feeling there is no one to understand them, that no one wants to hear them.  “Blessed are those that mourn, for they will be comforted” Matthew 5:4.

 

 

 

The last month has been all about new things for me, getting all out of my comfort zone and fighting to be where I needed to be, yet in the fighting I noticed how easy it was once I seen that the fear has no power over you once you make up your mind to just do it, to fight it, that is what is so special to those that grieve we are always finding ourselves in the new, we are always fighting to be out of our comfort zone, we are always fighting fear that once you stop to see it all you realise just where you are supposed to be, the visions of your dreams become bigger, your determination becomes strong.  Once you understand that the fighting has no meaning no more you understand that every day you are out of your comfort zone, this makes me want to jump, knowing just how close you can be if you become that person that is always out of your comfort zone.  It’s not about finding people to notice you it is about people noticing you, people seeing you always out of your comfort zone, it’s in those moments you attract the entire positive to you that you can.  It’s about asking the big ask and not hesitating in what the answer will be because if it is not a go now, does not mean it won’t be one day.  I always use to say “I have to fight for everything I want in life”, but really it’s the fighting that brings your belief, it brings you fearlessness, it brings you WAY far away from where you once never thought you could move from.

Saying NO to me now is not a punch to my gut, it does not no longer bring me down to give up in what I believe will be, it brings me my determination that no don’t mean no for everything nor forever.  “No doesn’t mean forever, it just means not yet”.  This week I start my talk show here in Canada for grieving, I know deep down if this does not turn out the way I vision that it will be ok, it doesn’t mean that it’s not going to be, the vision I will keep visioning to one day being in a different bigger way, I know deep down the fire in my heart for this is far too big to be fizzed out.  It’s the same for anything anyone can see themselves doing, once it happens it may not be how you feel it should be but does not mean it ends there if deep in your desire is bigger than anything.  It is seeing all the visions you vision become your reality that is proof that what you can see is what you can get.  It’s about accepting all the little things knowing like a snowball it becomes bigger and bigger with no exceptions of giving up or stopping.  Looking back to the person I was to who I am now is the vision I had in my mind to be, yet still day by day I grow, I see more and more, I see others that knowing in them lays a dream, just like me that person I look to is connected to me as well. 

Each and every day in the beginning of my grief I sat outside to see all around me, to close my eyes visioning myself free of pain, free of the harsh memories of sickness, flashbacks disappearing, to open my eyes knowing each day that the pain of it all was there yet as I vision it was lightening up, that in it was a gift in my heart.  Some days you do feel the doubts, you feel further away than you did the day before but it don’t mean that you are, it just means life is not perfect, that there are no set dates, no expiry dates on the visions you have.  In four hours it will be my Birthday and all I can think of is where is my husband passed?  He should be with me on this day, so I will close my eyes and remember a Birthday he was there, I’ll remember our love never went anywhere that because of him is what ignited the unconditional love in my heart to be that SOMEONE to all that grieve.  Through all of my dreams coming true, I look to see where he is since he was always the first I’d run to and tell full of excitement, now I know deep within me it is known to him, that he smiles in knowing I’m chasing my dreams that I had in me all along, no longer afraid.

 

 

 

Being grateful for the little things that have been accomplished to me feel like the greatest ones that my heart could ever see happen.  It’s not about the big all the time, sometimes it’s in the baby steps you find the big miracles that you thought could of never been.  Too many believe to get higher in life is to help themselves on their own due to wanting to be there first, that there is no room for others to be where they are or to be doing what they do, life is not a competition, life is about taking as many people as you can by the hand and walking with them, helping them to where they need to find themselves, you will get to where you need to be in time, there is no race or challenge.  This was a hard lesson for me to learn but once learned your heart truly opens to life as it should be.  Don’t let yourself be so busy that each day you can’t take out 30 seconds to be quiet and vision in your heart what it is you want in your life, 30 seconds every day is worth seeing that vision become your reality.  Don’t ever forget about the blessings that are now, the little blessings that have become what opened you to see that the bigger is doable. 

I love knowing in my heart that doing what I do I prove to my little girl she can be anything she believes she can as long as she keeps visioning it, believing it, dreaming it, that even though her daddy is not here he is in her, he sees her accomplishments and hugs her heart, nothing goes unseen.  That as one parent I represent us both with the love we share with the bond of all our love as a family, even though not seen his love grows as we grow.  Ninety percent of my vision board has become reality leaving me to vision the bigger, the bigger you vision the more room you have to grow into it all.  Now I create a bigger board, with bigger visions knowing in them all lays no expiry dates, no time limits, to just keep seeing in my mind what it is I can be, I can do.  Too many stop too early due to being knocked down, criticized, doubted, it is up to you to take that all to understand where it is coming from, not one person can keep you from what it is you truly want in your life if you let them.  To rise above is to show them that they too should start seeing what it is they want in their life knowing it can be one day.

 

To dream the impossible dream
To fight the unbeatable foe
To bear with unbearable sorrow
To run where the brave dare not go

To right the unrightable wrong
To love pure and chaste from afar
To try when your arms are too weary
To reach the unreachable star

Lyrics By:  Joe Darion

 

 

If you can see it, if you can feel it, than one day it will be.  Some may feel it should be soon, that what they dream should be now, it’s not about time it is about believing no matter what to forget about time that one day it will be.  Look back on your life to see the things you have already done that before done you never thought you could do it, yet deep in your heart was the strength and voice telling you that “you can”.  It’s not about out shinning the other, it’s not about having to be the better one, it is about being the true full you and letting other see you shine, that not one person gets to be where they need to, that in us all in this big world it is for us all to be where we want to be.  Helping others through theirs is truly a way to show others that it’s not done on your own. 

Find all of your visions to vision it every single day until one day you open your eyes and it are your reality.  Giving up is to close down your heart, your soul, your life, however to dream a different dream is also sometimes what our heart is trying to tell us.  Do what it takes write it down, see it in your mind, post it to your board, all actions bring it closer to where you are.  If you can’t dream than life is not truly being lived.  Everyone deep in their hearts has a purpose speaking to them they maybe they just are not hearing, if it gets quiet enough you will hear it, if it gets annoyed that you’re not hearing it you will be told loud and clearly.  Don’t be afraid to see the bigger picture of where you want to be, in that scared feeling is where you will find yourself soon enough out of the comfort zone you put there.  Somewhere in us all is a fighter, a fighter of dreams, belief, love.

Don’t let others define your visions, let you down, doubt yourself, feel unworthy, in this world we are all worthy it is just not easy, yet through it all in the end is worth it, in the end you find yourself finding more and more of dreams knowing in your heart it all can be.  One day at a time, one vision at a time, one foot step at a time we all will be.  If you allow yourself to feel conquered than you bring that into and your mind believes it.  Focus on now, focus with all your heart to the things already accomplished, don’t let the fear get to you, don’t let it confine you.  Fear is your vision dressed in scary, unfold it to see your vision, your dream, jump out of your comfort zone to see it isn’t hard like you felt so badly it was, the more you do it the more you are away from it that soon enough your living in pure fearlessness. 

 

 

NOTE TO ALL:  sometimes the fear that bounds us to our comfort zone will be all around us, it is not fear that is in charge, your vision is all you need, keep visioning with belief and that will drive out fear anytime it comes around.  It is normal from time to time to feel that fear but remind yourself what it is that happens once you push past it.  Take out your vision board to see just how it life will be one day, know that we are not bonded to just a single dream, we are as many dreams as we can see our self being.  I used to be that girl that truly thought a dream was just that a dream, nothing of realness, now today I know that a dream is your reality if you let it be. 

Prayers to the good Lord because we all know he can dream a bigger dream than we could of never imagined.  Know in your heart if God won’t ever give up on you than why should you?  Remember 30 seconds every day to yourself in the quiet of nature all around you are where your visions are building to become your reality.  It may come affect in a different way; however it will be in a bigger way than ever imagined, use your purpose in life to light your way.  Shine your own don’t worry about those that can’t handle it because soon enough they will learn from you, than you will continue to show others they can be who they vision to be, than that’s when you truly know you’re on the path your supposed to be.

Write, read it over and over, vision board, quiet of nature is all where it starts.

 

 

 

 



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Challenged Athletes Foundation Birthday Fundraiser 2013

 

 

Every now and than I come across the most amazing people that are truly doing the greater good to help others in this world, after all that is what life is all about to help others rise above their trials and tribulations, to help others is to help you as well.  While your out reaching out to people in need in this world, it is you as well that grows to the true person you are.  Through the love of helping others it is your soul that you feed bringing you to all of doors that once were closed opening one by way.  It's not about getting ahead alone, it's about getting ahead with all those around you, the love that you put out into the world comes back to you in way no words will ever describe.

 

So this blog is dedicated to Rich Cruse and all of his unconditional love he puts out into this world, with out even a doubt in his mind as he does it.  A pure example of how our life should be lived is seen in Rich Cruse, truly helping and loving those in need.  Showing us all that in this life as we all are full of our own purpose that in that purpose is to truly do this world with love, reaching out to those you can in need, trying to make this world a better place.  He amazes me every day with the love for others he has that he don't even know, along with the breath taking pictures of how life should be seen in his photography.

 

Last year he raised nearly $8000, so this year he is going for $10k! He ask that you please donate and if you cannot donate, please share this page with friends and family. "I cannot think of a better way to celebrate my birthday than to help the organization that helps so many" ~ Rich Cruse ~. 

 

While his birthday is July 17th, he will run the fundraiser thru July 31st. As in the past, he will be giving away incentive prizes along the way via Twitter @CrusePhoto. At the conclusion of the fundraiser, he will be having a drawing for prizes for all those donating $50 or more.

 

Please Donate $10 or More Here!

 

 

Donate $50 and you are eligible to win some fantastic prizes!
 The following prizes will be given away via random drawing to lucky winners who donate $50 or more. You receive one entry for each $50 donation. One prize per person! See fine print at the bottom. If I reach my goal of $10,000, your odds of winning are better than 1 in 200! 

Taylor Guitars
has provided this beautiful

  Mahogany Solid Body Electric Guitar . 

This is a right-handed model and includes a full one year warranty. 

It is marked "Not for Resale" on the peg head per Taylor's donation policy. ($2698 value)!

 

Follow @TaylorGuitars on Twitter! 

 

XTERRA Wetsuits has provided their most popular sleeveless wetsuit "Vortex 4 Sleeveless" offering the perfect combination of price, performance, flexibility and durability. It is ideal for athletes who want an all-around wetsuit to use while training and racing.  ($300 value) Details here. 

 

 

 

Follow @XTERRAWetsuits on Twitter!

 

 

Photographers! OnOne Software is providing a digital download of
their outstanding Perfect Photo Suite 7 Premium  for Mac or PC worth $300!
Download a free trial on their web site!

 

 



 

Follow @OnOneSoftware on Twitter!

 

 

Oakley
has donated a pair of Garage Rock Black sunglasses worth $120! 

 

 

 

Follow @Oakley on Twitter! 

 

 

 

Brick Betty
has donated $125 in Women's sports apparel! 

 

 

 

Follow @ReflectSports on Twitter! 

 

 

Reflect Sports

 is providing a Swim Hair Care kit worth $45!

 

 

Follow @ReflectSports on Twitter!

 

 

Believe I Am

 is providing their Erica Sara Necklace a $60 value!

 

 

 

Follow @BelieveIam on Twitter!

 

 

Kenneth Edwards

is donating a beautiful 11x14 signed photograph ($75 value)!

 

 

 

Follow @KenninChiTown on Twitter! 

 

Tweet to Win!  These prizes will be awarded via Twitter and require no donation at all. Rules are simple. Follow me @CrusePhoto and @CAFoundation on Twitter and watch for the tweets! All you have to do is Re-Tweet (RT) the designated Tweet in order to be eligible. You can RT as many times as you like but only one RT per screen name will be counted.

A signed copy of Mark Johnson's Argyle Armada is my next Tweet to Win Giveaway.
Stay tuned!

 



Follow Mark on Twitter @IronstringMark

 

July 8th's  Tweet to Win prize was
this Ultra Tri Carry on Triathlon Bag from Zoot Sports -retail value  $150!

 

 

Zoot Sports Ultra Triathlon Carry On BagFollow them on Twitter  @ZootSports!

Winner is Astraea Thigpen! Congrats!

 

My First RT prize was a Perfect PhotoSuite 7 Premium Edition Digital Download worth $300!

 

 

Winner is Tommy Menard! Congrats! 

 

 

So to see so many helping with this good cause there is no doubt that this is truly something to want to help with, to be able to reach out to those in need and let them know "you do care", that "you got their back".  Rich Cruse I have no doubt you will make your goal, it is because of you this world will start to be the place its suppose to be, others will see you and your bright light and know just what exactly it is to truly live life with purpose.  It's not about donating a lot of money it's about reaching out to help others to lift them higher, every little bit counts and leads to the goal that is wanting to be reached.

 

Check out the site and see that this is truly a cause that is in need of our help.

 

 

http://raceforareason2013.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=1050566&supid=285201911

 

 

Thank you to everyone who stops by and helps out, much appreciated and very grateful.

 

 

Rich Cruse your a role model to so many of how life should be lived, so glad that our paths have crossed.

 

 

 



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