Penny For My Thoughts

 

 

I'm an Emotional mess Happy to be seeing my dreams coming true sad knowing the person that was the happiest and believed in me the most is not here to see smiling and being excited for me no matter what happens I do know IT WILL BE OK and my heart knows that somewhere he is smiling and proud

As I embark on another one of my dreams coming true my husband passed lays heavy on my heart tonight.  I cried knowing that tomorrow as I embrace another dream I won't see him smiling back at me knowing all of what I am accomplishing he knew I could do.  So yes two years later the grief still lurks behind me, reminding me it will always be there through good times and bad as I grow into the new person I want to be.  Tomorrow I start a dream that's been for so long, to bring WidowintheCity to life on T.V in hopes to reach out to all that I can, however this unfolds I know in my heart it will be, that in me is the strength to reach for what it is I need to do and be.  I use my purpose blessed upon me on the day I lost my husband, graced by him in my heart.  So now one has to wonder "oh great now tomorrow while your on camera your going to have bags, nothing cucumbers can't handle, because the tears that fall were meant to fall, not to be kept inside.  Crying is part of letting go of the pain that lingers heavy on your soul, crying is a must, holding back is creating darkness inside you never to be let out.

 

So tomorrow will come, yet with me I know in my heart I will take my husband passed with me to not see his smile but feel it in my heart.  Knowing he is smiling where ever he may be, that although he is not by my side he is with me in my heart and spirit.  After all it is because of him I am jumping all in with what my heart tells me what I should be doing. 

 

So yes here I am two years later still feeling the impact of loss, yet am I thinking something must be wrong because to others it may seem long enough?  NO, simply because I know as each tear falls that it is my grief, that the time does not make it go away to disappear, that the love in my heart is always there to remind me what it was we shared.  That no matter how long it will always be mine to own, that no matter what it is mine to let out not keep inside, it is in the tears part of us releases the pain each tear that falls, keeping it in to keep a strong face for others is to ignore the life that meant so much to you.  As always grief comes so fast without warning it slaps you so hard yet in that moment in every breath taken you know it will pass, that stepping forward is all you need to say good bye to that surprised moment of grief.  As I sat in tears I noticed just how fast my heart felt peace knowing in the making the new I still had the old me there, that no matter what a piece of the old me will always be who I am, that it's OK to bring in the new with that part of the old you.  Peace was felt in all of me knowing the connection of love that ties me and my husband passed will always be made me understand tomorrow he is not going to be seen but will be there embracing the new me he seen in me a long time ago.

 

I remember the person I use to be and waiting for her to find her way back to me, I remember how life was before knowing now it never be the same. Looking back I always remembered how I was then that I forgot to notice the who I am now. Once I started looking to the now instead of the past I started seeing things around me, I started noticing in me that the old me is still with me it's just waiting for me to start the part of the new me. Knowing that in the new me was a clean slate to make anyway I chose.

Knowing deep down I'd always feel the impact of my loss but knowing through it the world will never wait for me. That in the new lied so many of scary things of unknown, finding out the scary was not that scary at all. Sometimes the scary crept back in but in making the new I knew it would leave as soon as I unfolded the new I was building in each step I built back to who I am now. It's OK that the old you cries sometimes for wanting all of the old you back, it's OK to cry for what was of great impact to your heart, soul life, but knowing in the crying you are still moving forward building the new part of you, that in it is OK, that deep down we will always have that little part of us with us cheering us on in all we do now



 If you look around to see those that once were there that you thought would always be there and see new faces know in your heart it is the ones still standing with you that truly love the old and new you now, that the ones that are no longer were a lesson to you that what they may of been to you was not real. I say to the now however long or little of time it has been that it's OK to feel free to feel the feelings you feel, that the tears fall, the smiles smile, in it all it is you being the best of the new you that you can be. It's always going to flicker in our hearts the impact of the loss we have lost, yet the love is where the connection never goes out, never disconnects, it's in that connection you know in your heart it's OK to make the new you, that in the new that tie of love will always be.

It's OK to feel what you feel no matter how long it's been or how short it has been, carry that connection of love with you through each your days and understand it is OK.  Penny for my thoughts tonight.  Through the tough lays the peace once you take the steps to get there.  All of this was just something that came on so fast but now leaving so fast knowing that it is OK to cry, it is OK to miss, that to avoid it is to avoid the work you need to be doing to get to the new you, you are creating now.  I free myself of the barriers of how others feel how things should be knowing it is how I feel it should be, that the opinion of others is not of more value than my own.

 

So here we come to my dream coming true again tomorrow, knowing with me I carry our love with us through all the new I get through, that no matter what my husband passed will always be aware of the things that I accomplish, that unseen he is with me to hug my heart and my soul.  That the little part of the old me smiles in knowing that I am finally not afraid to do the things I should of a long time ago.  Jumping in and believing in my dream is all I will be doing tomorrow and if yet again the tears may fall I will know it is OK, that this is mine to own not no one Else's.  Be true to you, don't put on a strong face when in that moment you feel the tears because that is denying you of the true you and caring about what others may think.  No matter what you are who you are not to be here to be what others want you to be. 

 

 

NOTE TO ALL:  Tonight as my tears fell this is the thoughts that came to my heart, thought that I would share and release what it was I was feeling to let go and take my steps forward.  Tomorrow I will keep jumping both feet in,  I will cry if I need to cry not worrying of what others may feel or think, not caring where I am or who is around because after all being the real you is where your heart beams the strongest out to the world and showing others it's OK to be who you are.