I’m supposed to be writing the ending of my short story but
something that has come to my mind and heart I choose to type about. So it will be a little post of mixed things
that have been in my heart and on my mind.
So many I know of that lost a loved one are so worried of
the fact of when to put their loved ones things away, when to do it, how to do
it, then there are people who pressure people into thinking it has been long
enough that the person starts to feel that something is wrong for the reason they
feel it’s been too long but they feel no notion to do so. People that are not walking in your shoes do
not know of what your heart is saying to you, they do not feel what your heart
feels, so take that advice with a grain of salt and truly do what it is you
feel in your own heart and mind. Time is
nothing to do with how you feel; we all feel and grow in our own time in
different ways.
How do you breathe when so much around you is falling to
pieces? When I see so much falling to
pieces I immediately go back to the moment my life shattered when my husband
passed away that my body goes into panic motion, the tears fall quick and the
darkness comes in quickly fogging all of what I have grown to be, the strength
I looked back to see how far I come becomes a fog, my perceptions of a strong
foundation I felt becomes shaky. When
things of my heart I feel should be turns out to being not the way I vision, or
something that I thought I’d want to do and have a chance for slips from my
hands I automatically go back to that moment in time where my whole world
changed and all that I have had in me see’s nothing but dark skies and fog of
all I build to now. This is where many
of us let go and stop believing in all that we know we can do, we let our
dreams slip, I know right now it is gloomy but know again the greatest of
struggles will bring you back up to higher than before, it is just not in the
exact timing you wish for.
So much struggles have been happening around me that yet
again I am down, I am feeling out of hope, tears fall in disappointment and
frustration, my heart hurts for what I lost, yet I know in the down time I will
see the little signs and light soon enough to get back up. It is in the greatest of your struggles that
become the test of just how hard you are going to fight for all that you
want. It is in that you will be tested
if you let go of all you believe in and dream of, if it is the breaking point
to letting the negativity that surrounds you keep you chained to keep moving
forward or being afraid of all and more disappointments that will come your
way. My heart, mind and soul have truly
been tested for the last couple weeks; through the good I’ve seen the darkness
surround my world. You see that is when
you have to believe even harder, work even harder, fight even harder, in the
time you feel no strength to fight take the time to see the signs and all that
is surrounding you lying down until you know in your heart you got the strength
to get back up. Letting the feelings of
hopelessness stay will forever keep you from what you build so strongly to for
so long.
As I lay in my gloom, I see the little signs that
surprisingly pop up, I see that there is signs letting my heart know that what
I am is not how I am feeling now, that what I am here for is not gone, it is
not the wrong path that I walk on, I know in my heart that those signs are the
signs from God letting me know it’s going to be hard but giving up is not your
option, that through the hardest of struggles the great reward is in it all,
not in your time but in the time it is meant to happen, no matter how much your
patience domineer you are a gift to what you do that it will be in a bigger way than you think of it will be in
your own mind. My heart truly this past
weeks have been crushed yet here I am still looking around seeing the love,
support, blessings to know God’s plans are never easy for us to go through
To carry such stress in all of you is not what should be,
that stress creates the barrier to all that you are here for and deteriorates
your strength to be able to be all of what you need to be when God calls upon
you to do your thing, take time to lay down as long as you need to let go of
that heart wrenching feeling and clear the negativity and darkness that
surrounds you. It is in all of us to
live the dream and purposes we bare just in the struggles we have to learn to
not let go, not give up, to know it is never easy to be in the place God
planned for you, the struggles are the lessons of just how strong we can be in
our purposes that God instilled in all our hearts. Tests come our way to see just how we take
the time to either believe in what we want or to see how easy it is we give up.
Look around to the blessings and signs no matter how foggy
your vision becomes because they are there for you to see so you know to keep
fighting the good fight. So many times I
felt all of me letting go to give up but within seconds I found that little
extra strength, that little extra push, sign, beauty that whispered to my heart
it is hard now but you are exactly where you are meant to be right now, that
making a change for the greater good in this world is harder than anything you
can know of, it’s a battle of ups and downs and not something easy that happens
overnight. Faith, love, prayer, belief,
use it to understand that is what will be heard and help you when you are ready
to get back up to endure the next round of life. Yes maybe to your seeing in others of what
you wished could be you but to do that is to rob you of your own special traits
and purpose built into your wholeness.
Don’t look to others seeing it is so easy for them because you know not
what struggles they have been through to be where they are now.
Sometimes I feel invisible but know in my heart the lives I
have touched has no place of being invisible, I look to the bigger of what
should be that I forget to see the smallest of things that mean so much more
than the bigger I wished for. Little by
little leads to bigger and bigger of things to come in its own time, when
things of what you are align to all of what you are meant to be your heart will
celebrate to the struggles you have had in your life.
When you look to your life in disappointment count the
blessings you have now and understand someone out there in this world is
struggling just to live, when you feel invisible smile in knowing all the lives
that you have touched, that it doesn’t matter if someone of great celebrity is
not seeing you because sometimes just sometimes in the quiet is where the magic
starts, that it is not in the celebrities eyes where what you do is being
noticed it is in God’s eyes where what you build to counts, what he sees that
what you do matters the most. Don’t
fight things to be, don’t struggle and force yourself to be where you are
supposed to be because that is where you prolonging what it is that will be one
day soon in the time it is supposed to be, when you force, fight and struggle
it is in your heart you know that right now it is not the moment for you to be
that you think you should be, God will let you know when it is to be.
So right now I am down but I know it’s not because I’ve
failed I know it’s because it is time to rest regroup and gather more to the
picture than there was before. In the getting knocked down is where your
little miracles surround you, where you see you have not at all failed or made
any less progress to where you are going, you gain the knowledge of the just
exactly where your next steps will take you to.
Always remember when you feel invisible that you may feel that way but
so many know you are there and most importantly God knows where you are. My world may seem upside down but that’s only
because I’m looking at it from the upside down.
I may not have the money and financial stability I need but that is just
something so minor to the love and support that over flows in my life and all
things to be grateful for now, that is truly where your riches are.
My tears that fall and heartache I feel will be temporarily,
nothing I know in my heart will take away my God given talents and dreams no
matter how dark or how low I may feel from time to time, that to us all is how
it should be, to build strength in all of our being to say good bye to the
negative to know we all are instilled with God’s given talents and dreams that
will be one day. Feel sorry for yourself
but don’t let it stay for too long, to know in your heart that feeling sorry
for yourself is to give away all love that you bear in you. Not anything is impossible if you keep
fighting for what you feel, what you can see happen in your life, just know
it’s not easy getting there, knowing it does not happen right when you feel it
should, to not give up when you see it is not happening when you feel it
should.
I am not sure right now what the lessons are to me in this
hard time I go through but I do know I’ve seen the signs and blessings to know
where I am is ok and that I am still on the path meant for me to be.
Going back to what I talked about in the beginning of this
post is a story that just occurred this weekend. As I was wandering around my bedroom with no
thoughts in mind, something spoke to me that “it is ok to put the pictures that
surrounded all of me away of my husband passed”, right out of the blue and in
surprise the feeling in my heart just came to me, so one by one I stacked the
pictures and put them in a place of love to know that those pictures were just
materialistic and what I hold in me is more than the pictures that surround me,
that part of letting go is knowing in your heart you will never forget them or
never be severed from that love that you made together. You don’t have to constantly stress of when
it should be, fret of when it should be nor listen to others of when it should
be because like what I have been saying in this post out of surprise it will
just be, it will just come to you, your heart will let you know out of the blue
in a magical surprising way you will just know now is the time.
NOTE TO ALL: Don’t
look to others to compare yourself, don’t stay down for too long, don’t let the
stress of others lead you to where they think you should be, take the time for
you to know and get the strength you need to feel that wondrous of life in you
that you felt all along until the negativity and darkness invaded your fall. Understand in you that you’re not invisible,
that the most important person to your life sees you, knows what you are going
through and will open doors that need to be open in the time of when they
should be. Don’t let the tears and hurt
of your lows invade the strong foundation you’ve built up to for so long weaken
it.
Find the little blessings that you’ve accomplished so far
and know you are exactly where you are meant to be, let go of the fact that you
should be noticed by a celebrity figure to know what you are worth, or that is
what you need for you break out to be seen, know that God is all that you need
to work with you to be seen, that in its time he will take you through it, that
he knows of your struggles and pray to his love that where you are now is not
where you are staying. If what you do
built from your heart will flourish into the most of beautiful lest thing ever
thought of in your own mind. Your bad
days are your stepping stones to understand where it is you need to be
stepping, your tears are your hard work you are building to where you need to
be in your life. Don’t let that down
time take away your dreams, gifts and purposes.
Know how you feel and where you are is not permanent, that
it is not a forever place for you to be.
I am open, ready, willing to receive, and WORTHY take a deep breath
laying down in your fall down and say those words as many times as you can to
know you are important to this world and what you carry is changing the lives
and world for the better. Lord knows it
is hard it is so very hard but you will rise again full of more knowledge, love
and strength to keep taking those steps forward. Struggles are just you finding
your way and if you forever let your struggles take over you will see all of
what you were meant to be pass you by as you fight the waves of struggles
pushing you down.
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