Pain in the Heart

 

 

Seeing the pain in your eyes brings me back to the days of mine that where I felt nothing will ever be the same, that where I was I’d be forever held captive in pain for the rest of the life that I lived.  When I hear the words that are spoken loss of hope and belief of what happiness you had will ever remain again, in your eyes I see tears, fear, no spark, darkness I get chills understanding just how dark it gets where you are right now.  When so many hearts around me grasp for the light I sometimes feel that I just may go back to those times of such a dark hopeless place, yet in every word spoken from my heart to yours, it is not down I feel we are going, no matter how much I recall of how the pain was before, through each conversation no matter how bitter or heart wrenching it is not down where I was before I feel that we are going.  The pain reminds me of how too often it may be that in those days I struggled as the way you struggle now.  Yet in all the hands and hearts that reach out to me, no matter how devastating the conversation is of the others that struggle I know deep in my heart that if where I am now they too can do the very same thing.

When I listen to the brokenness in the voices trying to hold back the tears I understand that in that brokenness one day it will no longer be.  Sometimes a little leery of just how much I have in me to help I know deep within all the love is there that I need.  Understanding your pain when confronted to the open hearts of vulnerability is a beauty all on its own, to know someone could be just that vulnerable with me a person hardly known.  The future you see is no where you can see ahead of you, your hope, faith, heart and life is shattered, It feels a though no ground holds you under your feet, the foundation solid once before has fallen.  Understanding serving to you all that come my way from my love somewhere in me is the offer of love that you need, that in that moment you are being heard, and in just that is all you wanted, to be with a person who has been through what you have been,  to know you are not alone nor going crazy.  Some days through all the voices I cannot believe that when I look back I myself am still standing, there may be times I fall into the sadness but the helping out to others is what fills my all with the joy of life that is all I need to know that what and where I am is always comforted in my times of feeling the pain of the past.

When you come from the place of what you love doing that will forever pull you back up and give strength to your all every time you need it.  It’s funny sometimes as I look around I look to the faces of so many in wonder just how many are walking around hiding the loss of a loved one just because they feel they truly have no one to talk to, or society makes them feel they need to be the way they were before, that mourning should be hurried and life should go back to the way it was before.  That’s just it life as it was before will never be the same, that life can’t go back to how it was before because that life is of no longer.  Looking around to so many knowing in most that I see they have been through loss but have they really walked through it?  Or have they denied the feelings of it all to become a ticking bomb to something even bigger later down the road in their life.  It’s not about being a professional, it’s about holding the hands of as many as you can to guide them through the struggles they deal with, it’s about walking with others to light their way when on their own it is dark.  It’s about love first, holding out your hand to grab onto those that feel they are falling; it’s about being a loving healer to all hearts sent your way.

 

 

There’s been way too many lives of such beautiful souls that I have heard of that took their life through their journey through grief that my voice for all that grieves becomes louder and louder every day, my love expands more and more to every heart that aches in love to save a life, for people to know they are not alone, just simply for them to know they too are recognized in this world that what they go through is something of not what others perceive that it is of something of great pain and takes hard steps to walk through it that if they need that extra voice to hear or extra ear to listen that it is there for them for however long that it takes until they can do it on their own.  Looking around I see too many in the darkness with no one shining a light for them as they feel the darkness may never leave.  If it takes everything that I got I stand strong in being here for every person that I can that come my way that grieves, this is the testament of the heart.  It’s hard to look to someone and see in their eyes that their life has no meaning to them, or a voice so weak it could barely speak.  So this I speak loudly, proudly that to all that grieve that it is just not something to be pushed to the back, that every unique soul that grieves deserves to be noticed, served with passion and carried until they can walk on their own.

Losing my father ignited a fire so fierce in my heart even more than that was there after losing my husband, that there is no stopping me to what it is I can do to help the grieving souls in this world, young to old no soul is to be over looked.  For me in my heart I just know that one day I want to see myself to be the spiritual healer to the souls that grieve, to touch hearts everywhere around me all over the world.  It’s been two years since losing my husband that I have been at this and there has not been one single  regret in me that I have started to do exactly what my heart brought me to do.  No matter how low or how high my love will always be open to the divine souls of grief.  My father has been gone for just three months and I smile in knowing the lessons he has taught me each day, the places he’s brought me into, I smile in knowing even he is telling me to keep pushing on with all that I do.

For me the most important of all was having to get a male actually open up, that to me was a blessing due to knowing usually the males are harder to actually get to open up, in that I felt such great gratefulness in my heart and knew in all of me that the gift given to me is a gift not to go undone nor forgotten.  The wondrous of opening a person up is miracle in life to be seen, heard and felt, that to be open is to be able to allow that person in to see what blessings are there waiting for them to see, so to be able to see that single spark turn on in someone’s eyes is a treasure to keep in a place of such love that will never be forgotten.  Even in my times of hard times I ask myself “why do I do what I do if I have my moments still?  Well that is where I learn my lessons and in each lesson is a learning to share with others that need a hand to hold.  Then I understand the greatest of feeling of all is to help you is to help another.  It is not just grief I found lately that I have been expanding into just anyone that needs a hand, anyone that is down and needs to be lifted, I see pain in so many that approach me that in that pain my heart would never let me turn from. 

 

 

Some say is it a gift or a curse?  Definitely a gift to be of a curse is to say that life is not about helping others when all actuality it is, it is what the core of us all are supposed to be about to be of.  We all are in this world together to watch another to walk by as they struggle is to be not living life as should be.  So many smiles on people’s faces out in the world today made my heart beam, that to think if it be like this all the time what a life it would be.  As I walked around looking to the entire twinkle in the lights around me I smiled in knowing that in us all is the ability to have that twinkle of light and to see another without is our job to twinkle our light for them until they find their own.  It’s funny how we take for granted that someone is just there, sitting at the eye doctors the other day we talked about my dad’s sister in finding what diseases ran on my dad’s side I automatically assumed I could pick up my phone and give him a call.  Then I had to sit back and breathe as tears filled my eyes in remembering no that’s not possible he is not here anymore.  For those breaking heart feelings alone is why I choose to be the strong voice for every heart ache out there and lead them through the hard times they face.

It’s to every little sign that strikes a nerve in our heart to remind us of the life we loss, that forever in our lives that will be, and for that reason I stand by the love of what I do for grief.  Maybe for some it may not feel of importance for the fact it’s part of life, well to those that grieve they never thought that it be so soon, and to move on quickly like some would say they should is not possible for them just now.  For each of those people I will never quit.  It’s hard some days to see my purpose being of significance yet when I see all around me lives affected by grief I know deep in my heart it is an issue to be seen not covered.

Even after I have moved forward into my new life grief to me will always be my number one priority to my heart, my husband passed will never let me forget that.  My beautiful father will never let me lose the lessons of the greatest that he is still today bringing to my attention and heart.  My I am affirmations remind me that every night they are sent out to the universe to know in my heart they all will be supported and sent back my way, when you lead with love there is nothing that will stand in your way.  Each person I talk to know deep in their hearts their loved ones never leave them it is just so hard for them to not be able to see them like they are used to.  Yet as I tell them it is hard to not be able to see them feeling them and truly taking them all in is more than you could of ever imagine and worth so much more than being able to see.  You don’t get to be in your own light forever holding on to the image of the one you loss, you get to your light by feeling and listening hard to the whispers said to your heart and soul.

 

 

As the holidays approach I know a lot of pain will be felt by so many, but baby steps through it all it will be accomplished to making it through.  If I have to be the hand to walk with each person through that day I know in my heart that my own pain felt shall be shed in the help I give to each person’s hand that help walk that day. 

It frustrates me to beyond that now my voice and actions will become louder and louder to be heard for the grieving in this world, to see such ignorance of the topic makes me make sure my voice is heard, it may be quiet, it may be as though I’m not being heard but in the quiet I know it is being heard loud and clearly because in the silence is where you know something that your doing is growing, that in that silence is where you know your excellence is.  When it’s quiet that usually means others see you and know that you’re making big strides to where you want to be.  I may not have a fancy place or organization open but my ways are still reaching hearts all around the world and that part of my dream will be one day soon.

The unconditional love I carry is stamped with love to all that are in pain and feel alone, it takes just one dream, belief and determination to make the change you feel so strongly of in this world, yet to each heart that you touch that one turns into so many and grows so much more every day.  As I look back I smile in knowing after all the falling down I’ve done not once did I give up on those that needed to be lifted.  Even in my down I miraculously lifted others in their time of need, unconditional love of what you do will forever be backed by the grace of God to give what you need in your time of need.

 

 

I remember my husband passed as I looked deep into his eyes while he was sick in the hospital he smiled so big at me and grabbed my hand to kiss it, that was the smile I remember that would give me the encouragement to make it through all of struggles I was going through, I will forever remember that smile in knowing he was put in my life for a reason.  That smile will forever be the strength behind me in the steps forward I feel I cannot make.  His love is the love that created the burning unconditional love in my heart to live the life I always dreamed I could, that no matter how hard it is to get the attention I need of others will be one day, that the climbing is a climb of adventure to see others climbing around me to smile in knowing I do not climb alone.

NOTE TO ALL:  BE LOVE, BE LIGHT, BE LIGHT FOR OTHERS THAT ARE IN THE DARK, BELIEVE, DREAM and forever know you matter and that grief is not something that is to be forgotten it is a matter of being heard not feeling alone and walking strongly through it even if for a little you need the hand of another until you can make it on your own.  I am strongly standing and raising the awareness that grief does not just go away overnight that to every person who turns their back to someone that grieves will learn how to be positive to someone that grieves, that all people that grieve will never feel alone and feel the only way to go is to take their own life.  I am the voice, strength, love of all that grieve and will not stop until I’m heard for every single heart that grieves.

Again part 3 to Mysterious Tombstone will be coming out soon, sorry to all that are waiting but things that hit my heart and feel I need to type of comes out and has no stopping J