Just as beautiful as a butterfly spread your wings of love and fly far beyond the fears that try to keep those wings tied down ~ WidowintheCity ~
As I sat with my little girl uneasy by her at her pediatrician listening to her speak to me, I went back into time as I sat by my husband passed listening as the Doctor spoke, it's as if you hear but the words are nothing but a sound, I mean you really try to concentrate on what you're hearing but the heart and mind feel nothing but a sound, noise, vibration, everything around you is blank. Sitting holding papers that I clearly was not understanding what they were for as light as a feather they seemed heavier, my heart in total panic, I looked to my little girl strongly thinking to myself this is not the passed, this is my little girl but the past was with me in that room paralyzing me of the fear of bad news from before with my husband passed.
Although my little girl was far from being in scare of a terminal illness, it is moments like this I most believe that those who lost a loved one fear of the most moving into their future that what has happened before will happen again, that the pain of losing someone you love so much will happen, that at every single Doctor's appointment that dreadful day back then lingers over your heart, mind and soul into the future where you stand. It is never thought of purposely but the great loss you encountered so closely makes you understand just how easy it can happen, that in the back of your mind you are always dreading a simple appointment, tests that needs to be done, it's as though we forever carry that burden of bad news that changed our life forever, that in others we love we look to them in fear of losing again.
As hard as we try to disconnect that this situation is much different we fear of what has been taken from us once before. I couldn't catch my breath, yet for my little girl I stood strong, I looked to her to explain what it was her Doctor wanted us to do and why, "I told her just to be sure her Doctor needs her to do tests to make sure she is growing properly", tears flooded her eyes as this was her first time ever to have blood tests and X-Rays, I told her "she was with me that I'd never let anything hurt her, that with me she would be OK", I laughed and remembered her father what he always had told us and repeated it to her "your daddy always called us tough cookies, that tough cookies we are and we made it through so much already that we will make it through whatever else comes our way". She smiled in comfort in that moment but me on the inside in that moment wanted to scream, cry and run far from that place wishing we had never been there.
It is so hard when you have watched the one you love with all your heart leave you, to not feel it can happen again, yet at the same time you have to place all of the positive in your heart and mind that you can, you have to tell your mind that this is not the same of circumstances, that what happened before does not mean it will be again, that yes as scared as you may be of losing another, you can not live your life in fear of living, of doing what it is you need to do, tests, job, school, whatever it may be you can not allow yourself to become prisoner to the bad that has happened before. You have to smile, keep telling yourself, "this is not my past, and does not mean the past always will repeat itself, the person of the now is their own person, although no guarantees in your heart you find your peace to ease your mind. This for me has been one of most challenging of things in my life I struggle with daily, always in the back of my mind there is that shadow whispering to me "what if you lose another"?.
This is the hardest to erase from your mind, yet through it you have to find the strength to know that worrying about something out of your hands is your own shackles to a life forever tied down to the fears that you create on your own, you have to smile, know deep in your heart that it is going to be ok, that the Lord, your loved one passed and all of the love in this world resides all around you to be able to change those thoughts into thoughts of reality, that it is going to be ok, that we will make it through this, that no matter what has happened before does not mean will be again, that this is a different situation, you have to walk through it strongly knowing in your heart it is not the past, that here and now is the future of difference, that bad things happen sometimes, yet that does not mean it will be the same.
If the future is unknown than why be trapped into the fear of what is not known?. Blessed it to be to call upon your guardian angels, the Lord, an prayers in your times of need, that is what is most important in the times you find yourself in the fears of the unknown, to program your mind as you do when the pain comes on strongly of the loved one you lost of the memories of treasures to shower your heart with love, to know in all of you that you are not alone, that in this moment of need you are loved, that through it you will find your peace of mind, heart, and soul. That this struggle you face will be hard that you face but never of the past that tries to sneak back into your thoughts. Breathe and feel in your heart the glory of the life you have been blessed with, that the life of those you care for will be wrapped in the love of all that is needed. Don't let the past scare you of the future you walk to.
Positive thoughts are positive actions, as scared as you may be the positive you bring in will push through the fears that you fear. It's hard being a mother the roller-coaster ride is full of many ups and down yet through the ups and downs there will never be anything you will trade it in for. As I look to every person that I love so dearly I have to understand they are not my husband passed and their future is not of the same as it was for him. Yes it is not going to be easy, there will be scares, there will be hard times, yet in it you have to stop, breathe, grab a hold of all of you to take the time to understand your loved one passed is there always to hug your heart and let you know you can do this. It's a gentle reminder that because of our greatest of loss we fear of the now but have to understand it does not mean the past will forever repeat itself.
Looking to my daughter I smiled, I understood in that moment in the eight years she grew that this was the first time we ever had this kind of a situation, that with all our love together the future will be joy, laughter and so much love, that together there will never be anything we can not do. I however in the days forward stressed more than I have ever before, so much that I had to pull myself back, I had to remind myself that it is a part of life every parent goes through, that life is not perfect and to stress is to let the fear of the unknown take over that in the now we have, that in the unknown you have to let go, that deep in my heart I know we will get through it, that it will be ok, that my daughter may have to deal with things she never had to before but this will only give her the growth that she needs, through the blood test, through the X-Ray this is all going to be scary yes but at the same time it will be something she now knows not to fear, that fear is our friend in disguise to our greatest accomplishments.
What a proud mama I was to see just how brave she was, watching her go through something that was a fear to sit and be strong through it all I felt my heart sigh in bliss seeing her face her fear with such strength. Just as that moment happened I knew in all of me the fears that have been with me for so long are just that alone fear, but seeing beyond that fear and making it past that fear is where I will find my greatest accomplishments, letting go of the fear of the past happening now. It was in that moment I felt all of what I carried for far too long lift to feel nothing but peace and great love. I looked to my little girl smiling in knowing it was her that just taught me the greatest of lessons to the burden I have been carrying with me in every situation I have ever been in, in every life of those that I love and to every person I feared to be with, on this day it was my little girl that taught me just how to let it go. Just as she did in the moment of her greatest fear, she faced it and found through it to the other side that she made it, she was ok, that through it she feared no more.
Fear will always be lurking but to know to face that fear is to accomplish a big part of your life in the blessings all around that lay past that fear is where you truly step by step know that the next fear you face will be just another part of your life leading you to the love, joy, bliss that brings you closer and closer to being that fearless person you always knew you were. That yes challenges in life can sometimes feel as though we are broken but to see in reality that even in the broken you can build to the person you are, to the more of who you can be. There is going to be scares, pain, challenges, struggles but you can not live life fearing the out come, if you vision the positive of that outcome and hold on tight that is when you know you are walking the strength of a power that surrounds you strongly always, the power of love, the power of prayer, the power of God, the power of the love of your loved ones passed that forever walk closer to you in your times of need. That never leave you, through it all their love lifts you in the times you feel you are falling.
Those of us who lost a loved one need to understand that the past is the past and the fear of the future is not to be feared because it is unknown, it is to smile and understand there is no time but the time you are in the now, that every second of every minute of the now is where you are and the future is in front of you unknown, that what you lost before does not mean you will keep losing, that no matter what you can not focus on losing, you have to focus on being in the now, loving more than ever and living your life to the fullest and being happy. Lets leave it at that the future is unknown so why worry of something that is of the unknown?, be here now and live your life to the strongest, happiest, loving, blissful and all blessings that bless us now. Don't let fear trick you, I know far too well that fear is disguised in victory once you unveil it.
In the moment I held my little girl as she faced her fear I seen in her eyes a sparkle of fire, in that exact moment I felt her father with us, the peace that embraced us was a true blessing and a lesson to myself, and a fear of success for my little girl. As she stood up, she stood up so strongly marched out to the room to find her papa in surprise as she gleamed she got the whole waiting room hurrahing and clapping for her, what a moment, those are the moments that truly shine bright, as there sat other little boys and girls my little girl showed them to not be afraid and that she made it through so bravely, tear-less that so will they. I never felt so at peace an full of joy as I did in that moment and that is the lesson to me, feel that bliss in the now moments not losing track of the unknown and letting fear rule your world. That to love another is not to let fear build barricades so high that no one can get through, that on this day I found out how blinded I was to be with anyone because of the fear of losing that now I embrace the now to be happy, to live life to the fullest an let the unknown lay where it needs to be in the unknown.
The results of the tests are unknown but in the now we got this.
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