The Lows

Just the other day I found myself thinking of just how lost I can be at times when needed that extra strength and support of my husband passed in my hardest of days I face today.  I know that through our pains, hard times and struggles they are never very far from us, yet still you feel that absent of once was there.  The pain tends to take over while in your lowest of days and with all that you have you stay in that low for just a little while.  Even though in your heart, mind, soul, you know to rise is to fight and be the positive person you have been for so long.  Sometime just sometimes however there is a grace period for us all that grieve,  time for us to stay in our lows because in that low is where we truly find that it is just our heart missing the love of our life no longer here, in a way it is paying honor to the feelings knowing "yes I do still miss you" and I will acknowledge that miss for just a little while.  We are not perfect, times of lows lurk through us all, the positive takes a back step to the low allowing us to feel what is needed to be felt.  

You see I've come to understand that it is not to be hard on yourself for the lows that you feel, because in the low you are feeling, acknowledging the love that was lost.  Now staying in the low for longer than should could be the trick played on you, not realizing just how long it has been, as you look around you see that it has been longer than what you thought, that now you need to fight with that love to rise above to the strong person you become, to use the tools you gained to help you back out to where you were.   I am typing of this because I noticed the many days I have been feeling the lows of the absent shoulder I use to have that is no longer there, not in physical form but in love and spirit I know it will always be yet it is still not of the same, you could turn to your love to hear words of comfort, lean on and get the strength of another to help you through the tough situations you face. This to this day still upsets me knowing, that through the hard battles, the scares, the highs and lows my rock, my even ground is no longer to be.  

The scares of life that take place that happens with our little girl is when I find my lows happening strong, in sadness that the other love that kept comforted me is no longer to be seen.  It is a time that the lonely kicks in, you look around eyes full of tears pleading for the strength of your loved one passed to touch your heart and give strength to what it is you are going through.  Then I start wonder will I ever have that somebody again?, even if there is it will never be of the same, it is not the biological parent of my little girl, you see so much of thoughts run through our heads that it could be endless if we let it be, then that is when we start to spiral into a sadness that is even harder to get out of yet again.  No one is perfect and these lows that happen come on quick, before we know it all we see is grey, yet it is not to beat up on ourselves because we find our self taking a step back because it is not at all a step back, it is a step into the reality of grief that the littlest to biggest of things could flicker the grief to come on strong.  

I myself personally don't get scared anymore nor beat myself up in thinking I should not be like this still because I know for one that as many times I've struggled in the loss I found my way back in time and for the reason that you have to feel it, that person you thought would always be with is no longer in sight, you are here to face things on your own, make decisions on your own, believe in what you do on your own.  It is always noticing the rock you once could lean to is no longer visible, that person you always turned to knowing you would be comforted is missing.  Taking the easy steps through it and feeling all of what I need to do, I know that feelings of the loss in a way are importance to your heart to let it know the great love will never be forgotten and always missed.  So next time you feel your lows coming on don't see it as being something negative, take that low to honor what you miss and what your heart is trying to let you feel, that your heart is missing and is trying to tell you.

My personal cheerleader that believed I could do anything and supported me to do all that I felt in my heart I could do is no longer to be seen, his words of wisdom, his extra push of confidence no longer is heard, yet through our love it can still be felt.  There are so many times lately I've felt to give up on all that I believed in, yet soon after feeling that feeling I felt a bolt of warmth in all of me to understand there are still ways for our loved ones passed to be there, to be our rock, to be our cheerleaders, to push us the extra push we need unseen but in mysterious of ways always felt, or through signs.  Sometimes in my lows I still even feel anger, but know it is just because I miss so much my husband passed here in the flesh that there is nothing I could do to change that.

When my little girl comes to me after seeing a family happy together and tells me "she misses having a family" that is when I have to be easy on the comment, to be easy on how I address her sadness, that snapping and being angry won't help no one, that realizing the love for your child and the loved one passed resides in you as well you come to understand that there is no other way but to just approach it with all the love that you have in you, no words can be said to make it better, just being all of love in me is all that is needed, to hug, to kiss, to say you understand, but also remind that you are still there, that the both of us together are a family, that we are still a family the love of her father has gone no where, we just can't see him.  I then understand just the same as myself my little girl has her lows and understand it is ok, that just the same as me she has to go through the feeling and take the time to feel what her heart is missing, to honor her fathers life no longer here.

It is hard sometimes to keep the belief,  the faith,  the dreams all in your heart to know that one day it will be.  Those are the moments I really stop to take in the moments of the now that I am thankful for, that right now I have what I need, that even though suffered a great loss, that loss is still with me every day no matter where I roam.  Financial loss, hard times, second parent loss, it all can be quite frustrating to our being in times of our lows, that's when you take the time to feel but also pray, hold onto knowing things given are never given if can not be handled.  

I do not deny to anyone my low days, if approached I feel no uncomfortable in being honest and letting out what all I feel.  Releasing those lows is also important keep to walking through it being able to get out of it.  Once released out then your heart knows that you also are not embarrassed of the great love lost, that even still now you miss them, that your not perfect you are unhappy with the situation you are in, the burden of so many things can crumble a person if left inside.  I understand right now life is not how it should be in my eyes, but also know that nothing is permanent.  

So many job interview, so many let downs, it is all enough to break you, yet some how that extra strength carries you through, knowing in your heart it was not on your own you made it through.  We always have to remind ourselves that what is of now is never permanent, that not anything of situation we are in is permanent.  Everything that you feel you should be or do will be in its time, to stress, be frustrated, angry is to lose faith, trust and belief although to see the bright light is harder when we are in our lows we always manage to find it.  We all have made our own tools to use through grief an those tools were built from our strength, they never leave us, we always know how to gain our positive back no matter what.   Although just as falling down it is good in our lows to stay and look up at the stars and take the break we need while we gain that extra strength needed back.

It's funny the more you go through your lows the more knowledge you gain, the less you beat yourself up, the more you learn to accept it, the more you understand that those that have not gone through what you have will never know truly what happens on a day to day basis, that what once bothered you of the ignorance of others no longer even flinches you.  I use to get so frustrated in the silence of others and looks on others faces when they hear of what it is that I do, helping people grieve, as soon as that word is brought into the atmosphere you hear nothing but a silence, yet as time goes by you know that it is not of what others think that means you won't be the dream you see yourself being.  

I know it is hard to get out there and get this blog lifted higher to where I dream it to be but I do know that it is reaching so many hearts and to not give up is where it lays in faith, believe and love.  I see so many being supported in what they do, to feel lonely in knowing not really that support is with me because of the fact that the word grief scares so many because that is when you realize that one day it will be your own fate.  I use to let this get to me but know now that we alone can make anything happen if we believe in our self, keep our faith and keep visioning where we want to be.  Of course I'd love to be the expert of fashion, makeup, hairstyles, celebrities, yet instead the purposes of heart that have been blessed upon me are what I have experienced hand on grieving, and being a single mom so I take the great lead in reaching out to all hearts that I can that are of in the same situation.

It is how you believe in what you do and where you are now you understand that you may not be seeing your dream fully yet you still are making a difference in this world for the better, helping and loving others and knowing your service to God is being listened to.  If you keep on strongly true to your purposes and service to God the dream of being what you feel may come but may come in a different way you could of never seen, sometimes our dreams we see come in a different form that we miss it, to stay open and work hard you will never miss it.  Even in your lows you do not have to worry about losing touch, because those lows are a story to your heart, knowledge gained to what you need to keep growing an learning.

I proudly embrace the lows with the good in knowing that grief will always be, in reminder of the great love you no longer have in your life in the flesh, that the lows is where we get to just be, breathe,  learn, rest and come back when our heart tells us to.  The rejections of jobs, interviews and failures of what it was you really had your heart set on is all not of the right for you right now, to be frustrated an down is prolonging you to what is right for you that will be soon, in patience it will come at the time it is suppose to.  I know it is hard being the single financial provider but as long as you are making it by,  then for now that is all you need, that holding on to love and happiness is worth more than any money in the world.

For me it has been a long time that I imagined by now I'd be on my own but don't dwell on what I don't have so I leave open for the things to come in when they should.  Seeing so many living it up only reminds me more that materialistic things is not where our happiness and true love resides, that others lives are not your own.  That we are all suffering our own struggles, even those that seem happy they to go through their own, life's not always happy and rainbows and we have to accept that or while we are in stress and frustrations the beauty of ours passes us by.

It is not what you have on the outside that matters it is what you carry in you that is of the most important.  It is not where you think you should be by now that matters because the future is unknown and the now is all that matters, it may not seem to be the way you thought it be but it is your life and still needed to be lived fully no matter where you think you should be by now.  So take your lows with love and take the time to honor your heart in what it is trying to tell you, that your heart misses that loved one passed, that it is taking its moment to remember and acknowledge it is no longer there, the love is there but the person of its human body is no longer, the face you come so accustomed to see so long, that you thought would be there still.  So be easy on you and take the time through the lows to just be and rest, your heart will let you know when it will lift, you will feel the positive slowly move in, the warmth fill your body and your smile will return.

No more being hard on you feel the feelings of your heart and take all the time you need for your heart to honor the love lost.

Strong words "This is not good bye, I still feel you with me"