Sitting here in silence yet through my mind millions of thoughts, worries, stress, and heart wrenching incidents flash one after another in my mind never letting up. I sit in quiet trying to shut the thoughts off, breathing and telling myself these are all things that can not be in my control, so why do I pay attention to things that are out of my hands?. Time goes by so fast that the next thing you realize is now you feel torn down, you feel sick, then you really start to see the worries of stress taking a toll on your body, you start feeling it, then next thing you know without realization that through all the stress, worries, pain that it most definitely wears you down to a point you start to notice things happening to your health, it may not be serious but when you see all the little things it does to you bringing yourself to have to go to the doctors and get checked, that is when you know you have let it take control for too long.
I am not perfect I do have to admit but the whole reason for being here is to share so others are aware and know that through what they go through the many things that can come with our grief. However it is not just in grief comes stress, stress can be with any person at any time. I start to think back to the many times I have told so many "why worry of things that are out of your control, that you can't fix, that trusting in God and leaving your stress, worries and fears up to his hands, walking in his love and faith is the best of blessings that you could do for your life and for yourself. So many things have gotten away from me, yet I understand that we are not perfect and we all slip up some time in our life.
This time I actually was brought to tears for letting it get this far, to the point where my body was telling me "hey you what you are doing?, this is interfering with me now", as I brought myself to get checked because of problem I knew was not just anything, not serious yet enough to make me realize just how harsh we can be to ourselves letting that stress in instead of leaning into God in our times of need, leaning into prayer, just knowing that God's got you and all of your beautiful life planned out for you, that to never be left in the darkness. I found myself in the trap that I so often tell others to make sure they stay free from. Practice what you preach came to mind a lot. Then the tears came flooding away as I sat thinking how easy it was to let go, to get off path, that I let myself down, yet knowing and realizing is half the battle it is so easy to say, don't stress, don't let it get to you, like words so easy to say it is harder to actually do. In the midst of it all I found myself letting go of what I had a hold of very strongly, letting me see that even the strongest sometimes fall down.
I cried in knowing that I let stress take over my self esteem, my love, my worthiness, I let someone take that from me, yet I acknowledge it and in the acknowledging is now awareness and ability to get back on path and learn to lean in to all your love. I was hard on myself for just a while for seeing that I let this happen, which is a natural state of mind to do when you know you know better of the situations you fall to sometimes. No one is perfect and we all fall off path for just a little sometimes in our life, yet worrying of such things is only deteriorating your own being, acknowledge, change and get back up an be the person you were before you took the fall, least this time you can smile in knowing you knew the changes that happen to you quickly than you could of before, and that alone is strength, wisdom that come from all you have been through, that alone is a blessing to your soul.
So after the tears have fell I smile in knowing that whisper was there telling me "your not yourself, stop and feel it and acknowledge, it has been for too long now, your health is telling you a story now, listen and get back up and breathe and go back to the path you strayed from". Finding myself of feeling sorry for too many things was a shock for myself to see that I let myself happen, feeling sorry for my life of where I am, that the endless job interviews, hard times of a great scare with my little girl but is healthy and all is well, worrying of a man that should of never been a waste of my worry at all, just thinking of all that was bringing on so much inside of me I sighed with tears knowing that the person I become through the toughest battle was not present, that I let that go, that through it I never stopped to feel that change, yet in a mysterious heart whispering way today I was told BOLDLY, and LOUDLY.
Your body has a very strong way of letting you know when something is off, when something is just not right and today was my wake up call. Today was my day of more wisdom gained, to let go, letting go is not easy but to make it easy you ask yourself "let go?, or forever be a prisoner to the worries of life and let your life flash before your eyes allowing something more serious happen to your health, I'd rather let go then to let anything break down who I am and my health. Being here is a blessing not a stressing, we are a miracle, each and everyone of us is blessed for this life we bare. This today was a day that a true lesson was taught upon me to do so easily, LET GO. Sometimes we feel we have let go but not fully, so be aware of that, to truly let go means no more worries of the thoughts you have had for far too long, truly letting go is forgetting it all together as if it was never there.
In my heart I will forever know that grief never leaves, yet I also know that making room for it is what you do but very carefully you allow only that grief certain amount of room, you don't ever see it cross where it is not suppose to, you do not let it take over your heart where your love lays and you most definitely do not let it take control of your thoughts, remember let go to let be and stay the strong, blessed, beautiful person you have come to be through it all, to give in now is no such thing. Your loved ones passed would not ever let you give up now anyway, today I do know that my wake up call was from that love. I felt it from my heart, straight to the words into my ears. To stress of a man to all single ladies out there is not anything worth risking your life, your love for yourself but to only stop, recognize and love yourself all the more.
The stress of a parent as well, yes our child/children are our life but to be in constant stress of situations that arise is not doing yourself good or your child/children yet to walk through it and know in your heart to take it as it comes. Allowing yourself to forgive you is important, do not beat up on yourself for falling, take the pieces of wisdom get up and stand tall back on the path where you shine brightly as you were before. Grieving alone takes a lot on your whole being, to add to it more is not going to allow yourself to see your beautiful life as it is already, to see of how far you come into the strong person you made yourself be.
To stress of things you feel you should have, that you have a hard time getting in your life is to keep yourself from allowing it all to come when it is suppose to, it only hurts you to dwell on what you do not have, that you feel you should be further into all the things you know you need is just prolonging all the beauty of the moments of now to be grateful for. I had a huge wake up call today, I hope to every person out there that you let that wake up call happen and not ignore it, to take yourself gently back on the path you were before you fell. Cut out the negative an let your love take control. Our loved ones passed never want to see us stray far from what they know we are working so hard to be. Pray, pray always when you feel yourself astray from the path you walk on, look in your heart fully to know this is not the path you were on that it is ok, that to get back on is easy if you acknowledge and pay attention to the signs in you.
Job, money, home, someone to love, being a single mom/parent, all can be a stressful trap if you let it be, it's ok to feel bad sometimes, to stress maybe sometimes, but to never let it go so far that it affects the true person you are is far beyond out of control, no stress of anything is more of importance than your health and the life you are living. If you hold onto the greatest love for yourself and all around you those stresses soon become so little, focus on love, your love, the love in you that can bless others in their times of need, to you it may seem your not being seen at all, yet little do you know you are being seen more than you know. Helping others is always the greatest reward to our heart, mind and soul, that all that on its own makes the stress of what you do not have seem so little.
Self pity never gets us anywhere except bringing us into the dark and letting go of our light. The fact that you are here means more than you will ever know, that it does not matter of what you don't have, what matters is you look to what you are going to be and who you already are. Validation of importance of another? not important validation of who you are from your own self and God is all you need to worry of. In his eyes your a beautiful creation of his love that your life will be, that all of what you feel should be of now will be in his time not yours, so to stress of what you do not have is letting go of what you will have. Believe in you and believe in the love of yourself and your angels of love lost up above all around you, they will never leave us a stray.
Listen very closely to your heart, to your life because there are signs there when you are struggling to let you know that what you are doing is only putting yourself in harms way. Breathe, pray, love, laugh, focus on you, don't look to another, keep your love and energy on your life helping others see theirs. As I sat in tears today I found out truly that nothing is worth the stress of your body and health, that it was not the person who I was. We are gifted with that in us all to hear, to see, to know that we are not the person we were that somewhere some how we have strayed from our path of brightness, that nothing is more important than getting back to that. I say that we all have been through so much already that it breaks us open so wide that we become so accustomed and very sensitive to pick up on so many of things and blessings if only we learn to the big challenge each and every day LET IT GO. If it does not serve you well LET IT GO.
Don't fret the small stuff because whats ahead is bigger than all the worries you never had to ever worry of ever. Let life be lived, let stress roll off of you like rain drops on a rainy day. Look to where and who you are today to know that right now who you are is enough, stress is a darkness trying to pull you from the bright light you are becoming, stress is evil disguised in stress, creeping its way to your life trying to break the bright light you are and the more you are becoming, it is pulling you from the good it does not want you to be in this world. Evil never prevails love if you call it out an see it for what it is. Sometimes that stress can take form of a human brought into your life to try an take away all of the bright light, love, and good you have built to for so long. Eyes and heart wide open, because you will never be caught in the trap for too long if you listen to the heart, and seeing that what is truly there is not what you need.
LET IT GO, you won't have to ask if you have let it go, you will know the moment you do because it will be no longer in you, on your mind, creeping from behind, it will just be as if never there before, as if it never existed at all.
~ LET IT GO ~
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