The Power Of My Love

I'm not built like others nor each one of us is alike,  we all have our own unique characteristics as well as special gifts.  I really do not know where to start or begin.  Life has always got its funny way of telling you a story in learning lessons.  Often hearing there is a lesson for all that comes in to your life as well of all the hardships that come your way.  It often leaves a feeling of either utter shock or surprise, when other times it is as though that came totally out of left field.  Either way good or bad it is a piece of your puzzle of life leading to the one big picture you often found yourself imagining how it would look like and turn out to be like.  The heartache to tears to the moments you never thought you'd get through,  one day you find yourself looking back to those many moments with great surprise full of more strength along with wisdom filling your whole being every second.  

I've loved so fearlessly myself along with another so fiercely that to this day it holds the strongest grip of pain wrapped with butterflies in my stomach kind of feeling, while in complete shock of feeling that I thought would never be again in life after my husband had passed.  It's something that has been around for a long time, yet we have never to this day truly been together, got together, spent time together, however in my heart along with thoughts we have always been, in the longest of nights you were my meditation, you were my manifesting.  

Trapped in the middle of becoming reality for so long now I genuinely know that it is meant to be of my future, just knowing when is unknown.  Meeting you for the first time and being in your presence,  remembering that vivid strong soul connecting spark that still burns from I to you this day is what keeps me to in the knowing this is a real life making in progress.  Sounds totally out there as I sit to wonder some days, yet imagining how all the trees change colors every year after coming to life being bare in the cold winter, wondering how or if they will bloom back again next spring and turn in total beauty in fall it just happens.  

Its like that,  the love is there,  its sparked and its beautiful,  its season to blossom as well as grow has just not happened yet.  Constant stressing or trying to figure out when only fades that connection, that growth.  As painful it is to bare a love that has yet come reality, the happiness of the power of that love brings great comfort to my whole being.  The love of a life time has yet to begin, yet not one day doubts will ever take over the real I truly know it will be and is.  

Your quiet, your distant, yet your not as far as you may seem to think you are.  As my thoughts come of you, the closer you are that you thought you'd ever be.  I turn that dial of frequency to where it needs to be, to the place where we both make our reality.  You have been the man that I've always known would be the one.   My husband passed is the constant guidance in my life, guided by his love as he told me every day of our life when here in the flesh "I Just want you to be happy".  No matter how long is not nothing compared to the know of what is, time is not nothing but a number, when in the heart nothing has never changed.  

Your face, laugh and time together we had never fades nor it never will.  To be with another would be nothing but an illusion, it be nothing that would ever be because that is not who will be my future.  Your singing like no one is around still echoes loudly like the day of, the laughter and connection is still as the day of, days turned into weeks yet the connection has never dulled.  My heart holds you, it holds us, creating the one day it turns to our reality.  

Sounds odd, maybe, yet like anything good that blooms this is how it to is.  You can't make something beautiful in seconds on command, it feels like at times I'm in the dark yet knowing in the dark is where the beautifulness of things in life bloom one day,  like a cocoon to a butterfly, a seed to a rose, all classic of darkness to beauty, the most beautiful of all comes from darkness to light.  

There will never be a time I regret how or why, or will ever look for answers because they shall never be found or known.  You came into my life and never left my heart, never will.  Trying some days to understand I turn to the strong feeling that is powerful beyond along with just knowing the comfort kicks in and takes over in just knowing you are my reason.  For many unknown spoken things that cannot be denied the love of you as well is confirmed in silence yet knowing not today, tomorrow or the day after it shall be but knowing no matter what with no time on anything it one day will be you and I as I have felt knowing you felt that very first day our world felt shaken to the core.  

As I have said I am far from being like other people, I know what I feel to be true, I know that dreams come true, I know that love when felt is never nothing to ignore, never something to doubt.  As hard as it may be there will never be anything stronger than a soul connection to be severed.  

I loved you from the day I seen your smile, heard your laugh and love you to this day and know the battle is bigger but it is never bigger than a love that is in the making to become reality.  The songs that occur the vibration of the highest touches the energy that we create in the universe, the universe creates what energy that is put out and the energies of two that tie together in the spark of each others energy that intertwines together.  

There are so many ways to explain, yet the only way for me to know is the pure gut wrenching feeling that never leaves my being and never fades in knowing from the moment of our beginning that nothing is too hard or unreachable when you are the kind of person that has been in the darkest of place cracked open to see the greatest of light in life, that your the powerful magnet attracting the love on the highest level you know you are worthy of.  

The love of my life has gone but he to is the forever guiding light that proves that love can come back around if you truly know that it can be.  All to hard to say but not so hard to know along with feel, no matter what the darkest days hold I have loved you for so long yet know that love one day will blossom even if now it is denied for unforeseen circumstances that will fade as reality become to life, dreams of the biggest come true, miracles happen,  fate never misses.  

Again I say I've loved you for quite some time, since the day our life's have come together and never with regret I will doubt why.  Like an open book you know of this love, as hard as it may seem the fight of how life you feel should stay will fade one day.  

Dedicated to the man that made me laugh from the start of a shift we worked to the end and even after the shift was done, the man that woke up my heart in just seconds of being in his presence, you know who you are.

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Early Afternoon Thoughts....

I’d like to think I’m a strong woman for all that I’ve gone through and learned, in fact I know I am a strong person however being a stress monster as well as an emotional person has taken its toll. However these traits are mine,  part of who I am, yes you got those people in your head telling you “find a way to relax” but really no one has the answer on how to do just that.

It’s not that I intentionally want to stress or get emotional way more than others, it’s part of who I am,  I take things to heart,  worry about my future, worry about what tomorrow brings because that is just me.   Yes I know all the great quotes around that stress is like trying to control the future truly,  really all I want to control is a future of love, happiness and health, I want to see my beautiful daughter shine bright as she does now, of course you also imagine that happy ever after with someone as well.

However that is all things out of my control yet it’s still something you think of often,  most times it’s at night keeping you wide awake when you have to wake at 6am. I stress, I get emotional more than others but really I look back to everything that could of literally broke me but it didn’t, I got up as always to start putting one foot in front of another.

I know somewhere Jean Guy is watching proud of where we are today.  I stress about bills, food, rent, but why?   things for some reason as always work out.  Than I look back wondering why in the world did I make myself sick stressing when knowing it always works out?. 

When your a single mom in these days it’s scary, you want your child to have a safe roof over their head and full bellies so you strive to be perfect when perfect doesn’t exist. Than one day you find out you aren’t invincible, the back lash of so much stress and emotion catches up to you scaring you as you lay sick wondering what the hell is wrong with you? to see that it’s all due to many years of stress and emotions.

That's when you truly understand all of it has not done you any good, that sometimes a lot of times you got to stop to say “hey I can’t control this",  I can’t worry about if I’m liked, if those bills will get paid or if I’m preforming at my best” to let go and let be and just believe and carry on the best you can.

In fact I’ll never worry or stress about such stupidity again because now it’s time to be healthy your health is the most important over all the worries and emotions you could ever feel or think about.   In fact I knew there would be consequences somewhere down the line but ignored it figuring it’s me I’ll be OK, I don’t care about stories of others who say “my mother was strong like bull” because to me that is in the eyes of the beholder who never did see that person behind closed doors maybe not so strong while others can’t see. 

Anyway it’s not about strength, it’s about life,  rising above what comes your way, getting through it as you always have, getting knocked down forever getting back up. So you see it may be just minor problems I have gotten yet to me you see it’s more than just that for me,  it’s a huge change to realize I let this happen when I should of actually laughed at the stupid shit of others I worried about that liked me or not, if I was doing things right.

Wanting to be a perfectionist because here I am now trying to find a way to eat and not suffer after something that didn’t agree with me or balancing life and practising healthy eating, not over thinking but it doesn’t matter I know as always I will get through. I am a pro getting through the hard times,  in fact I love that the hard times never get me down and challenge it with open arms

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My Lesson, My Next Chapter, The man

It was the beginning of a new chapter, a life of a life time opportunity, there was no containing the excitement felt from the toes to the top of your head kind of moment.  It was that moment that I found out that I could be that person that provided for her family, to be strong and independent.  A thought that haunted me every day, that I felt could not be possible.  It was a career that excited me to the core, soon to be a place that showed me so much more to life than I could of ever imagined. 

 This was my next chapter, I walked with confidence into the knowing that there was not anything I could not do.  It was the moment I realized to the core that I on my own could be the bread winner, the mother, the all to my daughter as well to myself and our lives.  My husband passed taught me the strength I carried was the strength to do all you need to do and dream of.  

Yet here I was venturing out into a job, a place where I knew no one.  I thought so many thoughts "what if I can't do it?, what if the workers do not like me?, what if I just don't belong there?, to just plain old, maybe I just can't do the job to the fullest"?.  Most of all it was the nervousness of not knowing the lives of those that I would be working with for what I thought be for an eternity.  "Will I be able to let them all see the loving person that I was?, will they see that I am a genuine person"?. 

Most the night went by within a blink of an eye of no sleep as these questions kept running through me, finding that gut wrenching anxiety that ties a knot so tight in the gut as you give it all your strength to get up, get out and take that jump, burying the fears and showing the world just how capable you are to do anything you set your all you got to it.  

It was getting close to going to the new place that I have never been to, new faces, new job, I remember it was a bright sunny, blue sky kind of day, I remember looking to the sky smiling "I got this", no matter how big the mountain I had to climb, that I'd conquer it all.  The sun made me feel unstoppable, the memory of my husband passed belief he had in me, it was that great belly tingle of the greatest feeling you have ever had.  Little did I know that this place would be so much more than just a job, there would be lessons of a life time, there would be people who would touch my heart for a lifetime.  

It was just a half hour before I will walk into that building of all that was unknown.  I looked around to the cars going by, the people passing by, the noise of the birds on a bright warm day, I smiled looking to the sky thinking "thank you, please be by my side as I take these steps forward".  I walked baby steps, calm, collective with nothing but positive thoughts and strength before I met those doors to what would be a life time of lessons in my life and memories that would last an eternity beyond.  Those doors to inside never looked so big to me as I took a deep breath to open the doors to my new beginning and independence.

I opened that door with strength, confidence, the thought of "there is nothing I could not do".  Then there it was my first day of my new life, new career, new faces that soon become people that all taught me deep lessons in my life.  I was not prepared for what would happen to me, I believed that it only happened once in a life time, to my surprise it was more than just once in a life time, it was real and it was powerful, it shook my life to the core as well as I deeply know it did for the other individual as well.  I started my rookie hour, sat down took my breath and looked to all the new faces around me trying to remember the names of everyone.  I smiled knowing right away that feeling I felt, as if though I belonged there, that in a split second that was exactly where I was meant to be.

The people around me were quiet, unsure of just how long I'd take this position, would I stay?, would I get along?, yet as I sat at the desk looking around it is as though it all just clicked, it was as though I knew these people already, shocked to my inner being I smiled, took a breath and again thought " I will do this", "I got this no matter what comes my way".  As the phones started to ring I panicked thinking oh my goodness what do I say?, I can't do this, looking down to a paper that was beyond a mouthful, I started to panic even more.  Looking around there was a special person who to this day I could talk to forever, she smiled and laughed and confirmed "no you are not crazy that is a lot to say for a greeting to those that called".  

Then it started, nerves kicked in as I greeted those on the phone I felt my heart beat out of my chest as I kept choking on a word pronouncing it wrong every time, laughing thank goodness laughing as each time I screwed up on that word I felt not laughed at but with as everyone just knew it was quite the greet and my nerves choking me up as that one word would just not come out as though it should.  For heaven sakes even the customers agreed "wow what a mouthful", to some not even waiting until you were done that greet before interrupting you and just stating what it was they were calling for.  Looking around I could feel everyone just observing my presence already laughing with me on the word that just would not pronounce properly, still to this day does not.  

A man walked by, he broke the ice for me that day, he was the one that showed me that this place was not any ordinary place, that this would be a place of great memories and layed back individuals, that work does not have to be so serious, that you need that laughter to get you through those hard days.  As I sat watching this man, seeing the look on his face as that one word choked me up every time stated to me "why don't you just answer to those calling "what the F@#k do you want", as I watched him in disbelief that I just heard that,  it was then I knew this was a place where you were able to be your crazy self, laughing so hard to recognize that this was not at all a place to feel uncomfortable in, this was a place of true, genuine funny to the core people.   People that knew how to create an atmosphere that you felt you belonged and that not all had to be so serious, that as long as you got your work done you did not have to be so blue collared.  It was the place that built me up so high that I'd achieve so much in my next phase of life.

Now lets get back to this man, the man that made my jaw drop to the floor as he told me how to answer the phone.  As he sat down in the chair behind the desk next to me, I looked to him scoping out his all, trying to vibe off of how he was, who he was, feeling my gut instinct on,  if I felt good about his being or not.  Right away it felt as though I had an outer body experience as I looked to him laughing, it was a feeling of total disbelief that I thought would never happen the rest of my life, knowing that feeling was the feeling I had when I looked to my husband passed the first time, than feeling complete panic, gut wrenching feelings of "no way this is happening, it can't, this is only suppose to be a once in a life time feeling".  Yes it was the tingles, the butterflies, yet why?, I do not know this man, it shook me to my core in fear.  It was the feeling I felt and knew with my husband passed and we spent 13 years together, before he had passed, it was that feeling of love at first sight.  Very scared that I was feeling this feeling I had to step back in awe, almost falling out of my chair, which is a true story that happened one time during a shift but that is a story for later.  

This man was a stranger and I knew nothing of him, why am I feeling this feeling?, the question unanswered, to this day still is, I bare that feeling still to this day, yet not knowing it be a roller coaster and the biggest lesson to my life not knowing than but knowing now.  As days went by I felt myself happier and happier, happy to go to work, happy to spend time with this man and all I work with, it was a job yet felt not at all like work no matter how stressed of a day it was.  He was not no ordinary man, he sang like no one was around, he laughed at his own jokes, he made you laugh the whole time in your presence and simply sometimes just by looking at him.  I felt a connection right away to him, I felt the spark, the connection that connected you to the core of your soul.  

Days went on, weeks and months as memories were made that would last me my life time.  This man knew too soon how to push my buttons, as he sat next to me I remember that in the schedule that patients had cancelled that he could leave but forgot to tell him as I was busy and looked at him to let him know after being there way over the time he should of it appeared he had gotten quite mad as I told him, I looked to him in disbelief as "really your going to get mad about this", yet he was not mad he wanted to get a rise out of me, as he continued to talk, I felt myself getting real mad, to my shock I have thrown an object at him hitting him, in disbelief I could not believe I had did that thinking "I could get fired for this", not much was said, yet not once did that story make it to head office.

The lady I worked with had watched this day in and day out, the laughter, the good times, the way we just meshed together, the playful flirting, the falling out of my chair and still kept that conversation going with a patient on the phone as I layed on my back feet up in the air, laughing to the core the whole time.  She was my other great lesson that you could trust another girl, the feeling as we knew each other for a life time and to this day are the best of friends and could talk beyond 5 hours on a daily basis.  People come into your life for a reason this I know to the deepest of my heart now and forever.  The countless moments that are now one of my most funniest of memories will never fade from my soul, I smile to this day as I remember the moments of that work place that brought out the biggest of confidence in me, that gave me the strength of ten fold.   

How was it I got so close to this man, how did it happen so fast?, how did I feel as I did when I first met my husband was the hardest to digest of it all.  We got close but he pulled back, to this day I still believe that he as well was shook to the core and felt it to.  Too many good memories and moments between us.  One night coming home, it was a Friday I heard to myself "no matter the circumstances this is the man you will be with, P.S love Jean Guy".  Than later that night a conversation struck up between him and I, it was everything I wanted to hear that it was just not me, however all along I knew in my heart it was not just one sided and to this day I know it still is not.  I was in the clouds and not coming down.  The smile on my face could not be erased.  

Its been quite some time since we have seen each other, since I been at that job but I know the connection is there and for uncontrollable reasons for now we are not together liked I have thought we would be, however I know in my heart one day so it shall be.  I sometime think the worse as though as you hear all around you "if hes not reaching out than maybe you should take the hint he is just not into you".  Well there are unforeseen things that have happened that prove other wise.  I remember the day of getting together with him after a long period of time and feeling the same ole feeling knowing that it never did go away or the spark never fazed out at all, his hug told me a million things, the feeling was intense and it was felt by us both.  

It's hard to feel the way I have, the way I do because that feeling I felt was only what I felt with my husband passed yet I know in good reason in a different way it did happen again, for all good reasons.  Now this man is a constant lesson to my life, the biggest part is patience, one thing I have to work on daily due to not having any, this man is a lesson in patience, that you do not control the future, that all things happen as they should when they do.  That's not to say that you can't help all you want in life to come true yet in the time it is suppose to is key to know,  not in the time you want it to be.  The biggest part that makes me smile is THE UNIVERSE works with you to bring in all of what you feel and want in life, that the strongest part in life is being that magnet of all and continuing to bring in the best that you know true to your heart that will be.  My husband passed is my angel of life, to know he wants me to be happy is the greatest gift of all.

This man was never just a man, he was a lesson, a gift and a love that still remains to bloom yet like all great things in life it never happens over night, it grows more and more everyday until it is fully bloomed to enjoy it all.  Every day I fight the inner of my negativity, I also fight the strength of my inner belief that happy endings are yours to have if you see it, believe it and verify it.

So I noticed while at this job and after the feelings I felt for this man that I heard this song out of no where and all the time every where and most of all every time I woke up in the morning.  Coincidence? I really don't believe in coincidences.  

P.S some days I want to scream in frustration just to how much this song follows me ha ha ha.

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