Early Afternoon Thoughts....

I’d like to think I’m a strong woman for all that I’ve gone through and learned, in fact I know I am a strong person however being a stress monster as well as an emotional person has taken its toll. However these traits are mine,  part of who I am, yes you got those people in your head telling you “find a way to relax” but really no one has the answer on how to do just that.

It’s not that I intentionally want to stress or get emotional way more than others, it’s part of who I am,  I take things to heart,  worry about my future, worry about what tomorrow brings because that is just me.   Yes I know all the great quotes around that stress is like trying to control the future truly,  really all I want to control is a future of love, happiness and health, I want to see my beautiful daughter shine bright as she does now, of course you also imagine that happy ever after with someone as well.

However that is all things out of my control yet it’s still something you think of often,  most times it’s at night keeping you wide awake when you have to wake at 6am. I stress, I get emotional more than others but really I look back to everything that could of literally broke me but it didn’t, I got up as always to start putting one foot in front of another.

I know somewhere Jean Guy is watching proud of where we are today.  I stress about bills, food, rent, but why?   things for some reason as always work out.  Than I look back wondering why in the world did I make myself sick stressing when knowing it always works out?. 

When your a single mom in these days it’s scary, you want your child to have a safe roof over their head and full bellies so you strive to be perfect when perfect doesn’t exist. Than one day you find out you aren’t invincible, the back lash of so much stress and emotion catches up to you scaring you as you lay sick wondering what the hell is wrong with you? to see that it’s all due to many years of stress and emotions.

That's when you truly understand all of it has not done you any good, that sometimes a lot of times you got to stop to say “hey I can’t control this",  I can’t worry about if I’m liked, if those bills will get paid or if I’m preforming at my best” to let go and let be and just believe and carry on the best you can.

In fact I’ll never worry or stress about such stupidity again because now it’s time to be healthy your health is the most important over all the worries and emotions you could ever feel or think about.   In fact I knew there would be consequences somewhere down the line but ignored it figuring it’s me I’ll be OK, I don’t care about stories of others who say “my mother was strong like bull” because to me that is in the eyes of the beholder who never did see that person behind closed doors maybe not so strong while others can’t see. 

Anyway it’s not about strength, it’s about life,  rising above what comes your way, getting through it as you always have, getting knocked down forever getting back up. So you see it may be just minor problems I have gotten yet to me you see it’s more than just that for me,  it’s a huge change to realize I let this happen when I should of actually laughed at the stupid shit of others I worried about that liked me or not, if I was doing things right.

Wanting to be a perfectionist because here I am now trying to find a way to eat and not suffer after something that didn’t agree with me or balancing life and practising healthy eating, not over thinking but it doesn’t matter I know as always I will get through. I am a pro getting through the hard times,  in fact I love that the hard times never get me down and challenge it with open arms

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The Diversity Of Grief

As the time goes on in my life that I live I am starting to notice grief is not just a matter of the loss, the death of a loved one in the life that I am living.   I am noticing the diversity of grief although the actual loss of a loved one is the ultimate heartache anyone could ever go through, I do now see that grief to me is so many things.  

The loss of a loved one, a pet, a job, losing your home, loss of friendship, change that occurs in your life,  shedding of the old grieving for the old as you grow to a new.  The loss of a relationship as I face now knowingly that the grieve of the loss of everything so important to you can cause pain and heartache and much surprise and shock.  However this does not dismiss that either or is more painful than the other.  

Looking back there is so much to see that have touched my life so deeply that I cannot say that grief is just not in the form of a death.  Losing something that causes heartache in your life is in a way a grief to you a mourning to pick up as hard as it is and move on because life around does not stop for the fact that you feel you want it to.  

If we could look to our life to see all the pain and loss that we have been through and see that here we still are the more we will know that day by day we found our way that through it all we still stand, even if through the darkest moments we use that as a leverage to lift us up in knowing that yes it hurts so much now, that the dark feels it will never fade as our heart aches we can understand that all the loss of the past we have had and got through that this as well will be a journey in a different way we will go through, that the hope is there to open our eyes that we have the strength to make it through the day.  

As I looked back to all that I grieved in my life I realised it was not just about the actual death of losing someone it was about the loss of the old no longer there in your present to having to let go and face the new that is no longer a routine of once you have had before.  That the pain brings so much heartache and tears as you grieve not wanting to let go nor say goodbye in the fear of not knowing what lays in the new.  Losing my home I remember, losing my animals, losing my husband it was not just the loss of my husband that I had to encounter it was the loss of everything I was so in love with in my life,  fading all around me that I had to let go to say goodbye to let it become just of a memory.  

As a loss of a loved one as you take on the loss of a non death yet the pain debilitates you I say just as before take your little steps, be easy on you, ask for the strength you need because that strength is always around you, don't be angered for not doing simple things as you so easily did before, take your breath to only have the goal to make it through this day.  We put so much stress on ourselves for things we did not do we do not see all of what we have done and been through, take the time to grieve for the loss but gain your strength in knowing that yet once again you have all you need to get through this yet again.  

It's the little things for me that I take to in my hurt, the butterfly that lurks around above me, the beauty of the red cardinal that sits in my tree, the robins that hop around looking for something to eat, the dragon flies that fly high above, in it all lays more healing to you than you could ever know and realise.  Today as i woke I noticed right away as my feet touched the ground yes my heart still hurts but OH GOD am I thankful for this new day, the blue skies and the little of hurt that has evaporated from my being as I started this new day.  

Last night as I spoke about in the end it is making room for the new and the over flowing of what I have forgotten came flooding back to me exciting my whole being, I lost what was important to me, in that moment I realised not one thing, one person is more important than being your true self nor losing the person who you are due to wanting to make it work.  Words cannot describe in this heartache that has been awakened in awe of the greatest of all I had let go of, all this brought tears to my eyes in a blessed joyful way.  

So I say to the grief that carries with us that a surprise to it all if we face that pain oh boy is there so much around wanting to come in if we let it, it is more beautiful than I could ever describe.  I smiled today in seeing all those little things that I have gone blind to by shutting it out due to hurt, pain and being someone I was not.  The things that happened all around me last night and today made me gasp for the biggest look up to the sky to give a thanks I have never been so overly full of excitement then before, it was like I opened and all that new came washing through to erase the old, to mourn is OK, yet to be blind to the good and love coming into you so fast is the proof that "yes this to shall pass"  there ain't nothing more than finding that smile again that thought would never be for a very long time.  

So yes I say without knowing in that moment we all take on so much loss that we never realise just as that loss after loss it becomes such a natural reaction to us we do not see how we take it on and through it our new comes to brighten our way, that we do not take the time to know in us is strength, dreams, hopes and miracles for us to take the steps to get through to the light again.  To actually use those loses that we got through to see in the now to use that as strength in knowing in time we will stand tall, with scars we will have but beauty of those scars to bare we will shine again.   

So I say to all losses we go through yes the heartache will lay deep, yet in the surprise we face as we go through the pain and feel it is something special to us personally, it is as though your life is speaking to you, blessing you telling you "your life matters, you are special this all your gifts for the hardship you bared but stood strong to see the light of day.  I say remember loss not only as the death of losing someone, but to see that loss is everywhere and constant and if open allowing the new you see just how higher you rise each and every time.

So today I do give so much thanks to my broken relationship, thank you God for blessing me to feel this pain but able to see the reason in it was more beautiful than the pain that lay in me, thank you for seeing the strength that I bare, that looking back to all of the endings I faced to see the over flowing powerful love, beauty and blessings that came through it all.  Feel it, bare it, understand it and take time to breath and know this is not a forever feeling, your break is shedding to open to your new, miracles, growth, dreams, beauty, love and more strength.

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To The Man That Broke My Heart:

As I sit here looking to the clouds on a gloomy day I cannot help but to feel exactly how the gloomy day resides with no sun, yet as I look up in wonder of why, I understand that for every end is making room for a new beginning for your life to evolve and bring in more growth, strength and light, things you thought of are making room to come into your life.  

As painful, hurtful and suffocating you feel now you have to feel that, get through it, take your heart that was broke into pieces yet again to know and trust as so many times before the pieces will soon enough come back together.  As a widow I truly understand what it is like to have your world taken completely from you, the future you saw becomes blank.  However this time it is a heartbreak of a difference, a heartbreak of a relationship you thought would be the one,  that brought a smile to your face and open heart that you thought could never be again.  

The pain is real, the tears and hopelessness fill your whole being in wanting to know why??  I opened my heart unexpectedly never thinking that again this could be, I loved fully yet here we are at an end, in my whole being I do not want to let go, I do not want this to be the outcome, am I holding on so tightly due to the pain I know takes over your whole world?  am I holding on to tight because I thought he was the one, the one who opened my heart fully after thinking I could never again?  

I walk around endlessly with thoughts, memories, laughter, tears thinking of how we were, how he so surprisingly entered my life.  As a widow I do believe letting another in is a big step in the life we lost and thought could never again, or is it just simply a human reaction of a heartache of a broken relationship?  I could not move, I could not see the light of the next day, I could not stop the pain, the tears, the darkness, I simply lay feeling I could not move, feeling paralysed  trying to understand why again do I have to be part of the pain that sucks all of everything you have out of you.  

I prayed that I'd get strength to make it through this, that I would understand why I gave my all and to see that in the end it was a dead end.  Than I started thinking to myself that what I have been through, I looked back to the pain I was so deeply berried in losing the love of my life to see who and what and where I am now, if that pain was so debilitating yet through it in my new beginning of starting over I have gained so much dreams, miracles, strength and love than perhaps once again this is the time to break to see that the end is just yet another new beginning.  

He was the light of my life that took my breath away in knowing I could love again, now it is just simply taking my breath away in full decapitating hurt, yet just as all hurt, discomfort and endings it is time to look up, trust in knowing the end is actually the beginning of new coming in, that as much in love I had felt he may of been the lesson to my heart showing I can love and that it is time to know that I can and know people sometimes are blessed upon us for the greatest lessons but sometime do not stay in your life, just there to prove to you that you can do all that you thought you could never. 

It is dark right now, the memories of us hurt and cut like a knife but I have to be strong in knowing the future is unknown and in this time its time to open my life to the new struggling to push in.  It's a part of life we sacrifice to love, to love and have it end, to love and hurt yet to look to positive to fill your heart.  Last night in the dark I lay in nothing but tears and pain but today I say thank you for this day, even though still heart broken thankful for the new day that is.  

This loss may be different but once loss of a life of your one true love has happened the loss all over again is as though it opens wounds that have been healing.  To the love of my life now my angel I pray to, also to God I pray in silence I let go of why to move to see what exactly will flourish in the new of the end.  This will not stop me to close my heart, love is love and love for ourselves and love of another is what we can never deny only if it is for a little.  Broken hearts have always a way to mend, that in time as just before you will look back to smile in all the beauty you have seen in the end that became a beginning for room for all new blessings to come in.  

I miss him, I love him , he was my first after losing the love of my life so all over again he is my first love of love after death.  I'll pray each and every day in time as soon as the darkness and tears fade I will see my new beginning, the blessings and light so bright it fills my all with warmth.  For a widow to love again is a rebirth yet nothing is ever promised forever, as a widow opening up to love again we have to understand we have the strength of our true love with us and forever hugging our soul, leading us to love and more love that they are not ever there to see nor want us be in hurt and darkness. 

It is different the guidance of their forever love for us sometimes may hurt us but through it we see their lessons, their direction, their reason.  Also as a mother I do believe for her I have to be the strength to show her that we never ever give up and will always have the strength to get up over and over again.  However as a widow we are still women,  we are still human and a heartache is a heartache as it would be to someone who has never lost their true love to death.  

I just think in it is a tad difference due to opening your heart again that thought could never do and yet to be heartbroken yet again in saying goodbye to the one you loved when you thought you never could of, but I say to that although it was ended in it you find "wow I can love again, differently but yes I can love again and feel happiness with another".  

To the man who broke my heart well I say thank you, thank you for opening my heart, for letting me feel love I thought I'd never again, to him I will forever have a piece of my heart where he lays.  For him I learned lessons of a lifetime, that to never ever give your all and believe a man is a reason to your happiness, that to never let someone have so much power over you that you feel you cannot live without them. 

Bitter yet sweet is what I feel, tears still fall, darkness is around yet as before I will stare that in the eye to know this is my breaking to new beginnings of my life for better to come in, to become more and more of the person I need to become.  I will not deny right now I am scared, scared to fail again, scared to be able to find another, yet at the same time I will look to the bright side to take time to love being by myself and love me and my own company.  

I'll take my time to show my little girl heartache may be pain but in heartache lays pure love and opening of growth and all new to be too excited to feel that pain, to be excited to know in all endings as sad as it may be on the other side it is a blessing of growth and knowledge to you to know that there is not anything you cannot get through with the belief you can and will.  To see in all change is discomfort but if forever run away from not wanting to feel it we will forever stay the same person trapped without growth, love, dreams and purpose.  In every heart wrenching break lays the new waiting to heal your heart.

So to the man I loved and loved again after losing the love of my life thank you for proving to me you could never be that pain I once felt when my life was taken away from me and ended as I said goodbye to my one and only true love.  Thank you for breaking me because in the break the shine will come through soon enough.  Thank you for showing me I do not ever need to feel as I need a man to have so much power over me to feel I cannot live with out them.  Thank you for showing me just how fierce, powerful and so full of love that I am, that I have so much love that not even you could break me in thinking I could never again.

Your Crap but in the best way possible,  lessons, tears and knowledge no matter how much it stinks.

You Loved me back to life to see that I could love again, you were my lesson not my life and that to all LOVE can break you to stay broke or you choose it to make you.

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Anxiety Does Not Discriminate

Coming from a very personal part of our life and as I say "our" I mean my daughter and I, as I say "our" it disheartens me to even have to include my little girl in that one word.  Usually in that just one word usually comes a story of happiness, smiles, something that excites your whole being as well as lightening the room. 

However this "our" is a "our" that may seem at times to put a frown on your face, or a time you may feel sad or sorry for what you read, that is not at all as I see it nor want you to.  I share my emotions and rollercoaster post in hopes to come out of this strong and a beacon of light shed to others to understand and learn whatever they can out of this all.  I say it proud to touch hearts to be bold and let all know this is not a subject no longer to be silent about, to be embarrassed about, to feel you are left in back of the shadows in darkness afraid to come out. 

I do know myself it was frightening, it was embarrassing, I felt alone, ashamed, all feelings that should never touch a person suffering due to "society", or "societies" view of what you deal with on a daily basis looking and feeling to it as though a weakness.  I come from a very strong line of beautiful ladies who all dealt with this sickness, not one time have I seen all these women as weakness due to what they bared in their own darkness due to the fact of what others feel of the problem that affects so many but stay alone in the dark afraid to come out into the light to understand what they go through strengthens them, ignoring the opinion of society or what others may feel or say. 

So the elephant in the room that name has been nameless is called "Anxiety".  Have you rolled your eyes?  Have you immediately stopped reading?  Have you heard a little voice in your head saying "yea right that is not a sickness?  not a "real" problem, issue, health condition?  Well nae Sayers out there sorry to be so blunt but there are as of any other issues their are those out there that do feel certain ways towards real issues simply because they have not encountered what someone is and has gone through, simply just because of that there are so many that suffer in silence due to being looked at as " odd, selfless, weak, made up problem", simply just different"   and those uneducated are those that keep many in their darkness in the time they need light, hope, love. 

I blog of this now because it hit close to home, very close to home, I type this in hopes for others to give up the darkness, embarrassment, being afraid to come out and own their strength that so many believe is a weakness.  Two years after my husband had passed I struggled in shame and stayed in my darkness due to the view and shadiness of opinions and societies views not wanting to say a word to a soul as I lay so many nights as well as days feeling as though I may die, the panic that invades your whole being leaving you feel afraid so afraid you are crippled to the regular littlest things you need and use to do in life.  Going outside, it literally rips you of everything you felt so confident of doing before leaving you breathless as you lay in the tears of fear of "why is this happening?  Am I dying?  Am I the only one?  you just want answers but you get none as you lay in a world that resides of just you as you hide all that you go through from the eyes of others in utter shame. 

I was lucky as others right now still reside in that alone world I stood strong after a long year battle of not being able to do this alone on my own and started speaking out loud, I started seeking the love I so dearly needed, prayers, as well as answers to what was happening in my life, in my mind, in my body that I have never felt before.  I came out of that world I resided alone with confidence that I was not the only one that felt or went through all that was happening, just as I was never alone nor the only one that suffered with grief.  You see it has taken me three years to post this out there for all to see but as I look around to so many it breaks my being to keep quiet in knowing so many are suffering. 

Have you ever looked to the list that seems endless to the symptoms of anxiety?  you should because its here and its real and it is not to make others feel as though they need to feel ashamed and suffer alone, or even worse take their lives due to the over bearing emotions you feel you may never escape.  Its easy to understand going through your whole life hearing of stories but not being able to identify and shrug it off as someone wanting to seek attention, or figment of their imagination but never say that cannot happen to you and understand even though not been in that persons shoes it is a problem rising all over this world, it is a health issue, it is debilitating and all that on its own is enough for a person to bare along with feeling will be hackled or shunned upon or looked at differently or weak, that is just a few to name as a person suffers the issues that keep them secluded from the life they cannot live, that they feel cannot be lived along with not having support that they need due to not wanting to be shamed coming out and seeking help. 

Again I fall a victim to the shame and embarrassment of what others may say as I once again had to deal with this issue anxiety as it invaded my little girls life.  I cry in knowing as a person who so closely aware of the sickness felt so ashamed to come out and see it in my girl, I seen the signs, the symptoms and kept telling myself "no way it can't be happening to her she is so young, what will other people think?, will they see me as a bad mom?, will they shun upon her and feel as though this is a weakness in a young child that really is not an issue to be dealt with"?    As I struggled knowing she to was in that world alone I stood strong knowing so deeply of the issue that I stood strong for her and reached for her hand as well as help that was needed knowing deeply in my heart that my little girl will not ever feel alone or different for what she was going through, that no matter what she was strong and the person she has always been, that this was a cross road in our life we would get through yet again. 

So I say to everyone anxiety is REAL it is a health issue it an issue in so many lives.   So next time you feel its all just "in your head illusion" or seeking out for attention kind of thing in someone IT IS NOT, it is real and it may be the person you are sitting next to or the person you walk past on the street.  Anxiety leaves a person feeling alone, so lets not keep them there in a world in shadows of darkness and helpless, lets reach out and grab their hands knowing for every heart we touch many more will be reached. 

For me a couple of signs to look for, someone who withdraws all of a sudden from their life activities, simple things that they once use to do that you see no longer, a change in personality,  these two signs are the strongest in a person dealing with anxiety because it is so debilitating to you that things so small of what you use to do is something that you feel can never do again in fear of the symptoms that come with out warning at any time no matter where ever you are.  Like simply going out on the porch of your home, getting the paper, smiling, that person you once saw no longer seen is a question you need to ask yourself "is that person ok?"  ask yourself what or why you no longer see them doing what they have done every day before now. 

I to this day still thrive in understanding I am not any less of a person I was before this and now as a mother look to my little girl to gain my strength to show her it is not a burden, it does not make us less than anything at all it is something we will walk through, get through together, it is not weakness it is strengthen us more and more as we pave our way.  Sometimes I look to my little girl and cry yet at the same time I understand that this is not failure, this is something that will be faced and fought and shine a light so bright onto others that are in their own world alone in the dark to see the light and know it is nothing to feel ashamed of or as less of a person ever. 

This now that I think of it is a reason I believe in so strongly now than before the word HELLO, saying hello to everyone you walk by to everyone you see, cause now I know so deeply within that everyone may be fighting a battle you know nothing of, that simple word hello is just something that seems so small but something so huge to everyone fighting their battles of life. 

Parents do not look past the signs you feel in your gut are there simply because you are afraid or feel "how others will feel or see your child as"  be the light your child needs and strength they need until they to can come into their own light.  I say this with the strongest of knowledge when your gut tells you something is not right, do not ignore it, push it off or feel embarrassed of the situation deal with it head on right there right then.  We are the love our child looks up to, if we ignore them what do we show them to be to others?.  Anxiety does not discriminate against age.  Anxiety is real and exists, in adults, elderly it is ageless and race less and it is serious.

My daughter and I share "our" now not as something to cry about but a scar that be bared to the world in knowing it is "ours' to bare and share the light because baring our scars is shinning bright for others.  We now know "our" is not a sad story yet a story we strengthen every day and know is not an ending but a beginning to a chapter we will face together and continue to face together.  Through good times and bad anxiety holds no barriers on you once you stand strong and look it in the eye along with casting sunshine onto others dark clouds.

Things that may feel so far away but help you suffering with anxiety, making yourself get out because once you are out that FEAR of anxiety fades and you look around to YES YOU CAN do it, that you are ok that nothing bad is happening to you, that you are not in danger, being outside is the most invigorating step towards fighting the fear of your anxiety that more and more done you in time see YES I can and YES I will, that it does not have to hold me captive, you still feel those symptoms but they lighten, the more you see you can the more you understand you are not a prisoner.  Now you may say "YERA RIGHT" but something so little as well that is the greatest benefactor is BREATHING, deep breaths as you face your symptoms of fear slowly calm your whole being the more done the calm that comes within is a beauty of never before a conquer of all you thought could never feel again.  Just know that this is not a forever situation, that it is not a forever part of your life, in time you will become stronger and move forward baby step at a time.

You are INCREDIBLE show the world truly what you are scars and all

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Change is your Rainbow

So through so much change that has been happening in such a fast paced whirlwind the last three months I smile in such gratitude and can never be so proud of a mommy I am today.  Yet through these strong, powerful, heart wrenching changes none of it was easy, none I thought we would get through.  That's just it if you tell yourself "its impossible" you will always be afraid of the hard work that lies ahead of your life in the dark, hiding from the change that wants you to be for the brighter.  

My little girl has been home schooled by me for four years, after her father had passed away the feeling to me in my heart was to grab onto all I had left and thought that in my heart it be good for us to have this time together, however for many reasons I knew later it was the fear of not being able to let go.  I started to feel it was not in my heart to keep on like this, sleeping schedule messed up, my daughter was with me 24/7 , that simple things I noticed were no longer, that woke me up loudly,  started me to take all the strength in my heart to realize the hard change that needed to be changed, for the love of us both, to look up and think how her dad would want the same as I felt in my heart.  

After hard, challenging, heart wrenching change, and many falling downs we worked through the change each and every day through the summer for our high rising moment of REAL school to come into our lives, it was not jut real school, it was literally my little girl getting use to everything, going outside, making friends, getting up early, having a schedule, not being afraid of going in the car, the little things that may seem so simple that she was so out of touch with just by simply being in a world she forgot was around her. 

Something so simple this may sound but to know what struggles my little girl had to face no words can ever explain just how bright my heart beam in seeing her take those hard times and fears and face them each and every day.  After many opinions of counselors and psychiatrists the diagnoses was as my heart had known for far too long but afraid to change, her an I had become into a trap of being together too much that we fell into a trap we never wanted to get out in the thought of it being our security blanket.

Once I realized just how much this affected my little girl I knew it was time as the mom to take the lead and show her that change is not fear, change is making your life full of dreams and doors opening all around, it's about freeing yourself from the fear of dark making you crippled to take the one baby step of all you need to let go of the fear and embrace the grace.  The summer felt so helpless in moments we would never make it, however that vision of believing and knowing how it could be is what kept us getting back up each time and being the tough cookies her father always told us we were.  

I literally could not breathe in thinking of letting her go, I cried many tears, was literally knocked down I felt for the count, however by the grace of God, the love of my husband passed I looked to our little girl in wanting the best life she deserves, that we deserve and I knew the rut we got caught in was not it.  As time went on things unraveled before my eyes so quickly, my little girl was spreading her wings getting ready to soar.  From just that little baby step out the snowballing effect came so fast taking my breath away, looking to my little girl in such gratitude and oh so proud of her.  

Grief sometimes, or any kind of fears can keep us back from the greatest things that we miss out in fear of the greatest moment to our life in the being caught up in being afraid to face our fear, our change, to not ever ignore change because if it is knocking it is not knocking for no reason it is a sign that something great is trying to get your attention.  Being a mom I take such deep compassion in wanting all the best for my little girl, that on her own I want her to know the real life and know an be her own little young lady and be all that she can be, to dream her own dreams, I wanted her to grow and my heart whispers told me holding on was not the way to let her grow to become the beautiful young lady and great bright light she is by keeping her close to me and holding on tight.  

Now I smile so proudly, so grateful, to see her become her own person each day as she faces her fears as she steps out the door each day to conquer her day.  To see her be on her own in real school and also seeing in the letting go I had feared so much is truly really where our next chapter has been waiting for us for far too long, to see her shine, that her shine is seen in others,  they to can see that shine.   I praise with thanks that God touched our lives in strength and love to pick us up as we fell down an not once doubted we could not handle what we were going through.  

I see my little girl and know now that changes no matter how feared are the whisper from your heart letting you know it is time to take the step,  walk strong for the more greatness that awaits your bravery.  It is not about just going to school it is about seeing the brightness of our future in the reflection of the change we face no matter what, no matter what fear lays in it.  

Its the over flowing emotion you feel that there is not anything you cannot do, that the more you change the more you want, that the light becomes brighter and everything you see around is pure beauty and that the life you vision so full of grace, love, dreams coming true, abundance, gratitude, the more you want to live your days to the fullest and fullest and fullest, it is where you understand you are strong enough, you are brave enough, you can be and do what you choose to be, you just have to grab that change and walk strong through it all no matter how many times you fall, you cry, you feel you can't, you just CAN.

I spoke to a grief Counselor today that made me feel so grateful for what I have in my heart, through these amazing mile stones my little girl had a down day and it took a lot to get it out of her but from her heart to mine she had told me "I miss Daddy", and then I had went back to the day before she was going to school an how heavy my heart was in knowing he was not here in the flesh to see his smile in what his little girl has so strongly worked to get to, that I looked to in understanding just as I do in times of great moments happening her heart goes through it as well.  So I thought hard of what to do to help ease her heart, I spoke to her that "her Daddy cannot be seen but he always sees what she does, that he is always with her and knows, that he is always with her keeping her safe and loving her, I told her that it is ok to feel the way she is feeling because more days are going to happen through every proud moment she goes through in life but close her eyes and know her Daddy sees and knows exactly what she is doing and is oh so proud of his little girl".

After that she smiled and that broke the silence of her thinking that it is ok, that she does not have to be afraid to make me sad that we can be sad together and do something together to ease our time of missing his presence here.  So that night she cut a heart out of paper all on her own, wrote "I love you Daddy" and we both lit a candle together and placed the heart under the candle, she looked to me and I could see in her eyes the pain yet again was behind us, that she had the sparkle in her eye of a bright life, that not anything is not doable, that in me she will always be able to find her Dads love an support to whatever it is she needed.

The next day after picking her up from school we both went to a store to pick up a balloon of her daddies favorite color, and words on it that said "I love you".  When we got home we took the heart she had made, tied it to the balloon when out in the bright beautiful sunshine and before letting it go she said "I love you Daddy", she smiled just as bright as the sun when she watched the balloon rise to the bluest sky and said "Daddy will get that".  I smiled so proud because in moments of hurt such bright rainbows shine through that lift that pain yet again through the hard steps of every day you face in grief of a loss hard to the life we grow in to together knowing the loss of the presence that once was.

In DEDICATION to this blog I would like to thank Bryan Chadwick, the man who showed me I can love again, that there are many rooms in your heart for love, they may be different but they are there, that people are put in your life for reason not coincidence, for his support, his love, his forever grace of always reminding us we can do it, his unconditional love of accepting not only my love but my daughter as well, for his undying belief in us that never strayed.  Also to my little girls BFF Sariah for helping her come out of her shell, and to the forever loving solid support in our lives that surround us every day we wake.  Change is how you perceive it, you can see it as something that will keep you stuck in the dark in fear of it, or you can walk strongly through it through the ups,  downs and knock downs, yet never losing sight in the blessings of all you want it to be and more.  Don't let go of you, change is always around because it is the way we grow and spread our wings and fly like we have always had in us.

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