The Power Of My Love

I'm not built like others nor each one of us is alike,  we all have our own unique characteristics as well as special gifts.  I really do not know where to start or begin.  Life has always got its funny way of telling you a story in learning lessons.  Often hearing there is a lesson for all that comes in to your life as well of all the hardships that come your way.  It often leaves a feeling of either utter shock or surprise, when other times it is as though that came totally out of left field.  Either way good or bad it is a piece of your puzzle of life leading to the one big picture you often found yourself imagining how it would look like and turn out to be like.  The heartache to tears to the moments you never thought you'd get through,  one day you find yourself looking back to those many moments with great surprise full of more strength along with wisdom filling your whole being every second.  

I've loved so fearlessly myself along with another so fiercely that to this day it holds the strongest grip of pain wrapped with butterflies in my stomach kind of feeling, while in complete shock of feeling that I thought would never be again in life after my husband had passed.  It's something that has been around for a long time, yet we have never to this day truly been together, got together, spent time together, however in my heart along with thoughts we have always been, in the longest of nights you were my meditation, you were my manifesting.  

Trapped in the middle of becoming reality for so long now I genuinely know that it is meant to be of my future, just knowing when is unknown.  Meeting you for the first time and being in your presence,  remembering that vivid strong soul connecting spark that still burns from I to you this day is what keeps me to in the knowing this is a real life making in progress.  Sounds totally out there as I sit to wonder some days, yet imagining how all the trees change colors every year after coming to life being bare in the cold winter, wondering how or if they will bloom back again next spring and turn in total beauty in fall it just happens.  

Its like that,  the love is there,  its sparked and its beautiful,  its season to blossom as well as grow has just not happened yet.  Constant stressing or trying to figure out when only fades that connection, that growth.  As painful it is to bare a love that has yet come reality, the happiness of the power of that love brings great comfort to my whole being.  The love of a life time has yet to begin, yet not one day doubts will ever take over the real I truly know it will be and is.  

Your quiet, your distant, yet your not as far as you may seem to think you are.  As my thoughts come of you, the closer you are that you thought you'd ever be.  I turn that dial of frequency to where it needs to be, to the place where we both make our reality.  You have been the man that I've always known would be the one.   My husband passed is the constant guidance in my life, guided by his love as he told me every day of our life when here in the flesh "I Just want you to be happy".  No matter how long is not nothing compared to the know of what is, time is not nothing but a number, when in the heart nothing has never changed.  

Your face, laugh and time together we had never fades nor it never will.  To be with another would be nothing but an illusion, it be nothing that would ever be because that is not who will be my future.  Your singing like no one is around still echoes loudly like the day of, the laughter and connection is still as the day of, days turned into weeks yet the connection has never dulled.  My heart holds you, it holds us, creating the one day it turns to our reality.  

Sounds odd, maybe, yet like anything good that blooms this is how it to is.  You can't make something beautiful in seconds on command, it feels like at times I'm in the dark yet knowing in the dark is where the beautifulness of things in life bloom one day,  like a cocoon to a butterfly, a seed to a rose, all classic of darkness to beauty, the most beautiful of all comes from darkness to light.  

There will never be a time I regret how or why, or will ever look for answers because they shall never be found or known.  You came into my life and never left my heart, never will.  Trying some days to understand I turn to the strong feeling that is powerful beyond along with just knowing the comfort kicks in and takes over in just knowing you are my reason.  For many unknown spoken things that cannot be denied the love of you as well is confirmed in silence yet knowing not today, tomorrow or the day after it shall be but knowing no matter what with no time on anything it one day will be you and I as I have felt knowing you felt that very first day our world felt shaken to the core.  

As I have said I am far from being like other people, I know what I feel to be true, I know that dreams come true, I know that love when felt is never nothing to ignore, never something to doubt.  As hard as it may be there will never be anything stronger than a soul connection to be severed.  

I loved you from the day I seen your smile, heard your laugh and love you to this day and know the battle is bigger but it is never bigger than a love that is in the making to become reality.  The songs that occur the vibration of the highest touches the energy that we create in the universe, the universe creates what energy that is put out and the energies of two that tie together in the spark of each others energy that intertwines together.  

There are so many ways to explain, yet the only way for me to know is the pure gut wrenching feeling that never leaves my being and never fades in knowing from the moment of our beginning that nothing is too hard or unreachable when you are the kind of person that has been in the darkest of place cracked open to see the greatest of light in life, that your the powerful magnet attracting the love on the highest level you know you are worthy of.  

The love of my life has gone but he to is the forever guiding light that proves that love can come back around if you truly know that it can be.  All to hard to say but not so hard to know along with feel, no matter what the darkest days hold I have loved you for so long yet know that love one day will blossom even if now it is denied for unforeseen circumstances that will fade as reality become to life, dreams of the biggest come true, miracles happen,  fate never misses.  

Again I say I've loved you for quite some time, since the day our life's have come together and never with regret I will doubt why.  Like an open book you know of this love, as hard as it may seem the fight of how life you feel should stay will fade one day.  

Dedicated to the man that made me laugh from the start of a shift we worked to the end and even after the shift was done, the man that woke up my heart in just seconds of being in his presence, you know who you are.

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Early Afternoon Thoughts....

I’d like to think I’m a strong woman for all that I’ve gone through and learned, in fact I know I am a strong person however being a stress monster as well as an emotional person has taken its toll. However these traits are mine,  part of who I am, yes you got those people in your head telling you “find a way to relax” but really no one has the answer on how to do just that.

It’s not that I intentionally want to stress or get emotional way more than others, it’s part of who I am,  I take things to heart,  worry about my future, worry about what tomorrow brings because that is just me.   Yes I know all the great quotes around that stress is like trying to control the future truly,  really all I want to control is a future of love, happiness and health, I want to see my beautiful daughter shine bright as she does now, of course you also imagine that happy ever after with someone as well.

However that is all things out of my control yet it’s still something you think of often,  most times it’s at night keeping you wide awake when you have to wake at 6am. I stress, I get emotional more than others but really I look back to everything that could of literally broke me but it didn’t, I got up as always to start putting one foot in front of another.

I know somewhere Jean Guy is watching proud of where we are today.  I stress about bills, food, rent, but why?   things for some reason as always work out.  Than I look back wondering why in the world did I make myself sick stressing when knowing it always works out?. 

When your a single mom in these days it’s scary, you want your child to have a safe roof over their head and full bellies so you strive to be perfect when perfect doesn’t exist. Than one day you find out you aren’t invincible, the back lash of so much stress and emotion catches up to you scaring you as you lay sick wondering what the hell is wrong with you? to see that it’s all due to many years of stress and emotions.

That's when you truly understand all of it has not done you any good, that sometimes a lot of times you got to stop to say “hey I can’t control this",  I can’t worry about if I’m liked, if those bills will get paid or if I’m preforming at my best” to let go and let be and just believe and carry on the best you can.

In fact I’ll never worry or stress about such stupidity again because now it’s time to be healthy your health is the most important over all the worries and emotions you could ever feel or think about.   In fact I knew there would be consequences somewhere down the line but ignored it figuring it’s me I’ll be OK, I don’t care about stories of others who say “my mother was strong like bull” because to me that is in the eyes of the beholder who never did see that person behind closed doors maybe not so strong while others can’t see. 

Anyway it’s not about strength, it’s about life,  rising above what comes your way, getting through it as you always have, getting knocked down forever getting back up. So you see it may be just minor problems I have gotten yet to me you see it’s more than just that for me,  it’s a huge change to realize I let this happen when I should of actually laughed at the stupid shit of others I worried about that liked me or not, if I was doing things right.

Wanting to be a perfectionist because here I am now trying to find a way to eat and not suffer after something that didn’t agree with me or balancing life and practising healthy eating, not over thinking but it doesn’t matter I know as always I will get through. I am a pro getting through the hard times,  in fact I love that the hard times never get me down and challenge it with open arms

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