Do Not Disturb My Darkness

 

 

When I come from the colder side of thinking my mind asks “why did I just have to look down at my father with no life in him as before, laying still but looking at peace”?  Why did he leave me when we could have done so much more with each other, that I wasted so much time running from my past that I ignored the fact to just be love?  “Why did I have to wake up every single day to see my husband just deteriorating? That was on nights I even slept.  “Why did I have to see someone who was my heart get sicker with no help all around me to give to him to get him to feel better?  Where was our miracle I prayed for? Or even the anger that sometimes all of you wants to just crush everything that is in reach of you, all the why’s? How’s?  The questions of it all consume your whole mind of thought knowing no answers will ever be answered because no answers can be answered; all things you ask yourself have no answers.  It’s looking forward but seeing black, as though you have become blind. 

It’s the numbness to everything that once made you smile that no longer even exists; it’s mostly the questions, the darkness, the remembering the horrific images that seem that will never leave you that where you keep yourself at rock bottom.  It’s the change in you, you fight with all resistance of losing the life you never thought coming.  It’s your heart that no longer feels anything, the suffocating feeling of not being able to go on nor catch your breath.  It’s the panic that the crying will never stop, the pain will never leave, the hollowness in all of you feel that will never come back, it is in it all there are so many reasons so many do not want to hear “you have to go on”.  So much heartache suffocates your every being that your mind can not get out of thinking that you are in, it consumes your days and it consumes your nights. 

Soon enough you come accustom to being up so many nights 24 hours that you don’t even realise that you have because where you are it is never sunny nor bright.  I’m hoping I’m painting a pretty good picture of what it is to lose your life a life taken from a love built so high that never saw it coming?  Not the whole feeling this is just the tip of it.  It is pretty much the feelings that come back all the time through your days you go through even when you feel good one day the next could be dark and cold, it’s a ride that is of so much ups and downs that you get off time to time but comes back just as fast as you got off.  Losing someone that is of your heart is not a blow to your life that you can bounce back as easy as many think, it’s a constant battle of the dark and the light every day you open your eyes. 

 

 

 

Even your own faith is in question at times, all of what you thought of is in question, and all of what you do is in question.  The darkness of it all never really leaves you, the light however finds the way back in little by little.  Even if you’re moving on that darkness always poses a threat to the good you build, that within seconds it could cover the whole light you built too so long to get to.  Something so little could flicker that switch that it is way too easy to find yourself back in that no breathing space showing no light.  Depending how long you stay depends on the thoughts you let wander around you for as long as you feel the strength to let it go or let it be.

Sounds as though of something that a person could get out of just as quick as the darkness invaded, to some it is as though self-pity, yet even self-pity don’t compare to what really happens to someone as they lose the one they love.  It may be the one person you walked passed by today could be the person going through just what I type of right now, yea grieving holds no special features or ringing alarm to let people know who is carrying the burden, yet if it did I’d be shocked if anyone really could feel the need to approach that person due to their own feelings of uncomfortable.  The love that needs to reach out to those that are in their darkness have to be gentle, no words are really what needs to be said, just showing up shows enough.  

Standing up, showing up, and being around.  I cringe in knowing of all things I felt and still do from time to time.   Yet when you look to someone that found their smile and laughter, right away you want to know how?  Each of us are built differently, to know of the how may not apply to you, although knowing of they have a smile along with laughter alone should be enough to let you know it is not just them that is capable to be in that spot.  Maybe you do not want to know that it is possible to feel happiness again just yet, sometimes we just want to be in our lows to keep from what we think would be letting go.

 

 

 

Can you turn your pain around into blessings?  Can you find the silver linings in a tragic situation you are in?  Your given this life for many of reasons, challenges, struggles, frustrations are all part of it but can you see in the bad the light of what the bad that tries to barricade you in to not reach that light to see your silver linings, or to turn the suffering into blessings.  I’m thinking so many of us wait for someone to tell us that we forget we our creators to our silver linings and enlightment,  to our blessings that they don’t just get handed to us we have to break through to them. 

This is not saying we all should be left aside and alone this is just saying that no one can make us want to be helped unless us on our own wants it.  There is not one sure way to guide a person to their openness but there is always a way to walk with them until they do.  Breaking down can either stay broken down or can change and become broken open, to see all in you that was hiding to start seeing just what it is you’ve been missing out on for so long, in the broken open it is as though you are being reborn.

I’ve walked the darkness for so long now that to me it feels as though something of normal to me, I’ve been blinded to my life ahead and around me that I forget how it was to live.  The darkness no longer feels cold to me, it is as though my every day routine, a place that I’ve gotten used to.  Days feel endless here and thoughts never leave, images never fade, in some ways I wonder if I were not here if those images stopped if I would forget you?  If I got out of here and the thoughts went away would I forget us?  As I walk around this life moving yet standing in time can people see me, do they understand the expression on my face?

 

 

Do they know where I am at the exact moment they make eye contact with me or does not one person see me in these shadows that hover me?  There are no ideas of good thoughts where I am because my mind is so consumed of what if’s, how’s, why’s that my mind thinks of nothing else.  My plea to find the out of this really is small right now because in all of me I really don’t know how other ways to feel, think, I know nothing of the life that was me before.  I am comfortable being here wandering around in my darkness that to think of a way to be free from it all scares me, this is all I know of right now and cannot think of what can be out of this hole.

At least in this cold dark place I still see your face that go through my mind, at least here I still feel nothing has changed, at least here our life is still is.  Is this the numbness I feel or is it a prison where we are taken to, to be forever lost from the world we thought would be?  Sometimes the tears that fall stop but the pain still remains.  I hear people talking but my mind don’t allow it in because it has no room with all that runs through it already, I know you see me as blanked face but it is only because of that is what I feel and where I am is invisible to your sight.  Every now and then I see a little light flicker but it scares me to want to let it all in, I know not what is to be, the change of my life is unknown so for now I will stay where I am familiar with and not have to worry of anything else nor the unknown.   It sounds so lonely but to me it is a place that I have come accustomed to.  To those of you around me this place is not a place you see, not only until you lose the loved one close to you and is part of your heart.  Some of us stay here longer than others but the ones that break through to the light gives others the light to see just a little even if not ready to break the light is still of comfort in understanding just how long I’ve over welcomed my stay in the darkness for so long.  This is my grief and in this darkness I feel such pain yet at the same time I feel that nothing has changed, that you have not left me, and that our life really didn’t just break.

Kind of like being a caterpillar breaking into a butterfly to each in their own time they spread their wings to fly.  Right now in my cocoon is where my comfort lays no matter how hard it is.  These are my words to all aching hearts that grieve in the beginning, because in the beginning you really don’t want to come from that place because it is of shedding of the old life that once was to fly to the new life you know nothing of, a change that is all up to what you decide to make of it, to shed that darkness is to feel as though your letting go, your forgetting but most of all you are coming to terms that you really lost your loved one passed, and in all that alone is why some wander that dark place for so long. 

 

 

I heard your pleas, I heard your advice but all of that was taken into consideration and released because it is oh so hard to bare the truth of what is, so being in the dark is a way to not feel it right now, that it will not leave and in my own time I will be ready to feel it all, but it’s scary, leery,  yet even though I have heard the voices of loved ones around me you still could of stayed with me in comfort of knowing you were there with me for company, no words will ever break anyone of this place we go to.  That is what I wished people could understand but know it is not to be known until been through.  This is my poem to every grieving heart in the beginning of their grief; this is my declaration for every grieving heart finding a way in their own way to deal with their life and heart being ripped from them.  If I close my eyes and remember I can feel this place still and on some days I feel I could go back there to stay, but to those later on will understand why it is we don’t stay there for as long as we once did. 

You are the person in charge of what ways you want to grieve, you can be broken, or you can be open, broken open to be reborn into a life that always laid within you but now is your gift where you truly start to see life from the heart not the eyes.  I do know most will want to stay forever in the darkness for as long as they can but what lies ahead of them they will always shake their head to knowing they stayed in the dark for too long, compared to what lays ahead.  The darkness you stay in however is kind of like your home, a home where you don’t have to face the reality; it could be addicting in the knowing reality never sets in there.  From my heart I truly understand how this place could be painful yet comforting for a while.  How anger sets in when you hear the voices around you call out to you saying “snap out of it”, move on”.  So the best anyone can do is let your presence be known and just sit to be with those in the dark they are in because in the silence they know you truly care with no words said.

I think for the grief of my father I am just starting to come from that place that the knowledge of losing my husband helps me see the light on this loss, that in some ways I rather start to the breaking open than staying broken, I still feel myself feel the pain of guilt in knowing that I was not the daughter I could have been that in others that I see know of him better it angers me that I never took the time to know him like strangers that I meet that knew and loved him.  I smile in the stories but in anger I shed my tears in not being there the way I needed to be, but that is all mine to deal with and since losing my husband I believe that nothing is impossible to walk through and do the work needed to be done to open up to all of its light, blessings and silver linings.  The most important thing to me is the love the great love we both got back to each other’s hearts in the end, THANK GOD and the blessings of his love, to reunite a father and daughter of how it truly should have felt and been.

 

 

NOTE TO ALL:  When you want to break a person in the beginning of their grief from the darkness they grown accustomed to do them a favor and just sit there with them in their own time they will come from that place to fly to the next place they are going to need to be, a place they may not know of but soon will build to.  Don’t try to snap them out of it that place they are in is their own place of love, that is their safe haven no matter how dark, painful and cold it may be, it is a place where nothing outside of it will touch them to remind them of what has happened and the love and life they lost.  Let them wander the dark because in darkness the breaks of light will fall through soon enough little by little to enlighten them to find their own broken open, and know staying broken is not the life they were given to live.

Finding it in our own time is the only way, being forced to move is only to keep them there for even longer than intended.  This is the place we soon open the eyes of our heart and miracles happen in our hearts and in front of our eyes.  It is just a very few who never return from this place but to those little that is their decision to be made of their own heart.  Don’t try to break a person free when they already are broken.  This is my place that I share with all of you in understanding that it is a place where we find ourselves to either break open or stay a little longer.

 

 

Thanks for making me a fighter DARKNESS