Love, Sex, Relationships

Well the topic of love, sex and relationships back in the day use to be taboo to even think or speak of, yet to those widowed it is yet still a topic of taboo, maybe from my perspective from not all but a large majority.  To some it is this dark, deep disrespect to those that they have lost, as those in ways it feels to be cheating.  To some I see it is also something that happens quickly, making me try to grasp the difference in the taboo to some, and the move quickly of others with another.  For me for a long time I've felt in my heart it was as though a feeling in all of me as cheating, to be with another, staring at the face next to you but not the face it should be.  

I felt as though every time I got close I was having this outer body experience looking down on myself seeing how all of me felt the stiffed body, teeth clenched and most uncomfortable feeling you could ever feel, I'd find myself soon after laughing, not good feeling for the person on the other end, but laughing is something many do when uncomfortable. To that person on the other end it may seem most horrible to see that person trying to get close to laughing, thinking probably the worse an trying to understand just why exactly they are being laughed at, then the explanation of why, that it is not them you laugh at, it just makes for a horrible, sickening feeling all together.  To even picture yourself with another may make you feel nauseated.  

It is very understanding, we have lost the loves of our lives and never would of thought we would ever have to face embracing the moving on and being happy with someone else besides who we always felt in our hearts we would be with.  It's and off and on game of I am ready, I am not ready, that when tried you soon back away to find in all of you the discomfort of the whole situation pulls you back thinking "you can't do this, how can you do this?, this is not the man I planned to be with the rest of my life". 

To many they truly believe that it could and should never be, that finding someone anew is something that should never be, to me I believe in all that is the feelings that take control when even thinking of being with someone else.  To most I believe as I am guilty of this as well we go for a search of a replica to what we have lost, when we see that it is not out there we lose hope to ever think we can be happy again, when in all actuality we know deep down we can never find of the same again.  Some people just feel they have to be alone to forever honor that love, for many reasons there are so many that just want and to be alone.  

So I am going to put myself out there and talk of sex only because I have nothing to hide and feel if this could help anyone than my heart here is doing the love of work that is my purpose.  I got intimately close with someone and to experience the feelings that take over your whole body all at once is no doubt why so many do not ever speak or want another.  As I mentioned before during this experience I felt myself looking down at myself saying "why are you doing this?, why are you even with someone new?, how could you do this?,.  Then shortly after finding myself laughing out loud the hardest I ever had, then seeing the look of horrified on the person in front of me to feeling horrible, that even though you know why you are laughing that person on the other end has no idea, to them your laughing at them.  

Each and every time I feel to be ready and full force to be happy with another as soon as it gets more involved with that person my thoughts take a u turn into the forever thoughts of darkness.  To those who have children involved this topic becomes bigger and more intense.  Truly do not ever believe that people who have lost their love of their life want to be alone, it is the matter of being able to feel it is ok, to feel comfortable, to some how have a sign to you that it is ok to move on to be happy.  

I truly know that our loved ones passed want us to be happy, that instead of thinking they would be mad at us living life in all actuality they frown to the fact you feel you can't, I know in all of me from my husband passed he wants me to be happy, this was a famous line out of his mouth every day of every year we were together "he just wants me to be happy".  It is one of the biggest hush hush topics I know evolving in the lives of all that grieve right now.  

The taboo of the time limit, the taboo of even having feelings for another, the taboo of ever even thinking of being happy with someone else when you should be happy with the love lost.  No one is on this earth to be alone, unhappy, feeling guilt, feeling shame, our life is a gift and that gift is to live our life to the fullest each and every day not to feel sad, disappointed, frustrated, uncomfortable, those are all words that keep you from what you truly should be experiencing.  

As it is to fear is the same to fear being with another, that fear like every other fear is a disguise to your surprise unfolded if you take on that fear to find your blessings of all you thought could never be.  Can there be love after losing your love of life?, yes but only if you know in your heart it will never be of the same but in its own special way.  Even companionship is there for you to embrace, someone to laugh with and go to outings with, the thing I believe of it all is if your still feeling the pain of uncomfortable than do not be discouraged just know it is your hearts way of letting you know you are not ready, however that line could be a thin line if you forever feeling uncomfortable and disgusted that is fear playing a role in it all, that is a fear you have to be brave enough to walk through to find your sunshine on the other end of it all.  

We all get second chances, when it is the right one I truly know in my heart that all of those feelings will never be around, however being out there trying to find the one can be very upsetting and hopeless as you try and try and try.  Yet you will never get to where you want to be with out that failure and trying again and again and again.  Do not let the let downs get you down, keep your head high and know your angel and God are working on someone specially for you and your life, someone who just may not be ready to enter your life just yet.  

Sex can you even say that word all grievers out there?, that is a whole topic of its own.  Can you picture yourself even being naked with another?, do you get that feeling of horrified in the pit of your stomach?  do you feel sick at all thinking about it?, do you try to forget the word as fast as you thought of it?.  Again sex is not just sex, not something to just do because you need that closeness, although if your like me you don't and can't even go there.  I've gotten pretty close and let me tell you it was nothing but of a failure.  

I feel sorry for those men out there that may still be feeling "what is it I've done?, am I that bad?.  Having that kind of intimacy is just as uncomfortable as even thinking of dating another however as I mentioned that all disappears when it is the person that surprisingly pops into your life showing you happiness again, that happiness is and can be again.  Be easy on you and know that when you are being approached with love to you graced by the love of your angel and God you will not ever feel to turn that down.  

I feel like Dr Ruth on so many occasions because from so many I get asked the questions of so much, I do not however take it lightly because I know in my heart just how hard it is for us that grieve to ever feel we will be comfortable again being intimate with another.  It's easy to understand no kind of intimacy should take part for wrong reasons nor if you feel that out of control comfortableness.  If your feeling naked before your naked than this moment and person is not the time it should be.  

Three years almost and I am just beginning to get out there, does this make me unfaithful?  no this makes me honoring the love I lost to allow myself to know I deserve and can be happy again but will never forget or lose that love lost, that love will forever be.  It takes a very special person to embrace us grieving hearts, to know they are not in competition and also know as we are happy to be happy again we will always miss that love we lost.  When with the right person, at the right time sex will and be as natural as it is to brush your teeth, yup I said it, sex again, you may not see that now but you will, you may say never, but there is a saying "never say never".  

A couple times I found myself in awkward of positions, to know deep down that this is not the time for me nor the right person, bare skinned and all, almost there but breaks put on very quickly, we all make mistake and move fast but knowing and doing and taking actions to what you know is not meant to be is a intuition blessed to you for very good reasons.  

There may even be times you feel so lonely that you want a friend with benefits, yup I said it friends with benefits ha ha, yet why limit yourself to the better that awaits to your life in time with all the patience in you that you need to have.  I know myself I even pondered the idea then getting back to reality with respect of myself I chose patience over two minutes of pleasure, as well as patience in the one headed specially to me, for me to be happy again.  Good things to come may seem forever but worth the wait.  

To those saying they forever want to be alone, your life will take a total surprise one day, you will see.  I do not and never will believe there is anyone that is to be alone, there is someone out there for everyone, that it does not mean you get just one shot, that like all other things and incidents in life we all get second chances. I wish I could have a recording of so many around the world that grieve saying sex sex sex and listen to them all and hear that awkward in their voices just saying it :).  

Just remember in the time it is meant to be it will be, believe strongly that loving, relationships, sex again will be but in the time your heart knows you are ready.  Know deep in your heart that person is being created from the loved one you lost to specially fit you and to see your happiness again and smile because they know we need and give permission for us all to be able to move on not backwards.  A thought every night as I speak in silence from my heart to my husband passed I tell him " I give you permission to let me be happy again and move on, to give me the strength to understand that I can and that doing that is honoring our love, to know in my heart that he wants me to be happy, that one day it will just happen in the hands of his love handed down to the life I live".

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Signs Of Love

It amazes me how a change of your whole being happens right before your eyes but not noticing until you take the time to be in the present moment to look back on all things you have gone through.  Things you once thought was or could never be part of you, even things that you had no desire in to find the change has shifted right in front of you not even realizing in moments it happened.  How is it we take upon this change?, not yet ever realizing, something so different in us that would of never thought of ever before?.  

After my husband had passed I notice so many of things in me that once never really would be an interest in me yet there I was embracing so many different of things, is it coincidence?, is it that huge change to your life has opened you truly so widely that now is the time you truly are seeing life as you should of before?.  It's a question I do not search for answers however feel in my heart that going through such a big change in your life welcomes you back to all you've never realized or seen before.  

I was never ever an out door kind of girl, i'd much rather be inside doing what I had to do inside, going outside when only needed but never to just sit and hang out to see what was all around me.  After my husband had passed I looked to outside as my reality, I wanted to be outside, I wanted to see that life was still moving, that nothing had stopped just because I had felt it did.  My husband passed was very much an out door person, it is outside where I have found the most beautiful of things that now brings such peace to my heart, it is where I use it to my advantage in my quiet time, it is where I have been enlightened with multiple of loving signs to my heart.  

It truly is a place where I find the most amazing of moments that happen to me, it is where I breathe, it is where I find my sanity, the beauty of blessings surround me as I see and take it all in every second of every day I sit to be in silence and just be.  It truly over whelms me to see the littlest to biggest of changes in me since losing my husband passed, I truly believe that in my heart we take on part of that persons likes and treasures to live out for them here on earth while they cannot.  I find myself eating foods never of before would ever be any desire to me, look to things as I never would of before, most of all I love more than I ever could of before, is this of coincidence?, 

I believe it is not, to me part of it is keeping those pieces of our loved ones alive in us living for them here on earth, the other part being the change, the big change your life takes on as though being reborn again seeing things in a total different way, a way of truly opening your eyes, heart and soul to what you missed from the start.  I take deep pride in looking to every beautiful thing around me to understand that in that beauty is love, in that love is the love of your loved ones passed, in love is taken a little piece of heaven here with you on earth.  

If you lost someone than that little piece of heaven resides with you in you in your heart, life and all around you every day.  Since the day I lost my husband I always made sure every day I did things that he loved doing while here, my heart took deep comfort in knowing by doing so a piece of him will always be here, celebrating what he loved, celebrating his life, our love.  

As the warm weather approaches I smile in knowing his big smile as he loved the warm weather and keeping busy always outside.  I look to the sun to smile in knowing in that light is his smile smiling at me knowing the weather is getting warm.  At night I look to the beautiful sky, the twinkle of the stars to remember how i'd always look out side in silence at night when he was here feeling grateful, counting my blessings for the life I was living.  It takes a lot of love to walk through grief, but nothing stronger than that love can break your accomplishments if you look around to find your pieces of heaven in front of you, to find the ways to understand what you could do for your loved ones passed every day that they loved doing to keep their legacy alive, with you, beside you, every day.  

There is nothing more peaceful to your heart than hearing the noises of nature all around you, or having a hard day to go out seeing a robin or butterfly sitting still right in front of you, then knowing in your heart signs are there for you to let you know "it will pass and you are not alone nor far from the love you lost here on earth".  It is never by no coincidence if you go through or see these things and feel it deep in your heart, the comfort that takes over your whole being, in that very moment is your sign, it is your love whispering to you that what ever it may be you are struggling with in that moment that you are not alone, and in the beauty of nature comes a message to your heart.

Messages of love are every where, if we walk blind unknown to the beauty of that love there are so many of moments of our messages of love that will pass us by.  However it will always find a way to open your heart to not miss a thing.  The beauty of nature is truly a sign to us all that our loved ones passed are forever a piece of that and forever around us, with us, sending signs, comforting our hearts with significant of things that meant something to you both that only you would know, than to see that sign is most truly a treasure to the heart to know what you have doubted that your love never leaves, even though not in physical world that love never goes away or anywhere.

Sometimes something happens and its so amazing you have to question yourself is this for real?  or is it just myself comforting myself?, in that moment there is no doubt that it is just not you, it is truly the beauty of love letting you know that "I may not be seen but I'm with you".  Gods beauty of all he created with love, for us, for our eyes to see acknowledge and take it all in, in nature is your peace, peace of mind, peace of heart, peace of spirit, peace of your own heaven from your loved ones passed.

One summer I remember every day that I was out on the porch the same butterfly would lay so still on the railing near by me, the more it happened the more I started to feel comfort, peace, love, the more I thought is this of coincidence?, judging by the presence of impact it had on me every day I seen this happen it was never of a coincidence to me, it was my sign that the love is there that our love will always be, that no matter how hard of days I had my husband passed wanted me to feel comforted and know i'd be ok.

Last summer it was dragon flies, and a wild bunny, this wild bunny amazed me so much, losing my father that summer as well then noticing this wild bunny that visited every time I would go outside and not even run or be scared being so close, I felt in all of me peace, I smiled and took comfort that was my piece of love letting me know I am never ever alone, the dragon flies that swarmed above in the bluest of skies hovering over ever so graceful not moving away just hovering as the bright sun shined the radiant colors of their wings.  This all to me is never no doubt the moments of signs that your heart takes in knowing that the love will always be around you, in you, with you no matter where you go.

I could most definitely write a book on the million of moments special to me letting me know that you have moments always around you letting you know that you will be ok, that you are not alone, just believe in that love, look through eyes with love, embrace what is around you and know there are always the most beautiful of ways that your love of messages are trying to get your attention, personal messages to you and that it is of no coincidence if in doubt.

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Dreams arn't always as you see them to be

To remember of the dreams we shared together with our loved ones passed, so much to do together, to see together, to be the strength for one another through the times you felt like giving up.  Losing our loved ones passed may make us feel as though to give up on our dreams because that dream can no longer be because that dream was a dream of many dreams you had together.  I remember the transformation of all of me going on inside me as my husband was sick and taking care of him, in stressful, painful times I felt this transformation in me that was telling me a story to my soul, I felt peace in the midst of the storm, I felt hope, I felt joy, I listened to my heart and looked closely to what it was that was happening in my life.  

Taking care of my husband there were many moments of silence in thoughts of what if?, change, how can I?, there were many wondrous of moments as though someone was around shaping me into the change that will be taking place, allowing me to see that even through the heartache the most amazing things that has become through it.  My husband passed already instilled in me that there was not anything he believed I could not do.  Remembering a night as I layed next to him there were memories of dreams, dreaams together, dreams of our own, yet never come to see that those dreams would take a different form, that my dreams would totally take a different shift.  

Through the chaos, sickness and tears there was that comforting feeling of a huge transformation happening inside me, words could not describe, it was as though I was being reminded of the things I've done I thought I could never do but did with out hesitation.  At the same time I knew I was losing my life I felt excitement in change that layed before me, it is as though I was being guided by God, affirmations of the hard change but giving my soul a heads up to the change of the biggest of blessing that will take place through it.  I knew that the dreams my husband passed and I had would change, yet knew in my heart that didn't mean to give up, it just meant they would take a different shape, sometimes what we think we see in our dreams is not always how it turns out to be like.  

When I lost my husband my heart felt nothing more than to be able to help those that grieve all around the world, to become a high profiled blogger, to be that motivational speaker for all that grieve, my eyes opened to so many of amazing things that my heart beamed in thinking of.  That was 2011 to present, here lately I find myself stuck, down, alone but know still deep in me I could never give up on this, because giving up on this would be to be giving up on love.  Last night on LifeClass a lady had asked about giving up on her dreams, financial reasons, that she was speaking exactly out loud for me, how are you to become your dream when in the reality of life you are bounded to forever financial stumbles, being stuck in every aspect of financial abilities.  I gasped in waiting for Bret Michaels response.  Deep in my heart I knew the answer but like this lady it has been so many times I felt to give up, I felt that the dreams I carried have been too many of things, that financially I was done on any dreams I have ever thought would be and that I'd for sure let it go.  

Then as I listened to Bret Michaels I heard what I needed to hear to validate what my heart had felt already, NO do not give up on your dreams, not ever, after all I am always the one preaching to others to do the same, so why here I am wondering of my own.  I seen the many people around her step up in helping her, lifting her, then come to realize that is what it is, to dream your dream and never give up, to help others any way that you can comes back ten times fold, that even if I felt unsupported and alone that it is my dream and on my own with my belief with everything in me I am the one to make them come true.  

That finances can't take that dream away, you work hard to get on your feet, keeping that dream with you along the way, that no matter what you do you can never not bring into where ever you go your purposes of your heart into what ever job you need to make it to the dream you want to be a reality.  It's so many things that frustrate me as I looked around to the support given to so many to lift them higher, I thought where is my lift?, where are those that should be there?, then I realized my support was not seen, that my support was an angel known by name, that also was a person I prayed to every night, sometimes the support you don't see around is often times the kind that is unseen but oh so powerful to your life and the true ones always by your side.  

Dreams with my husband passed may not be yet may be still dreams to be just only in a different way, I take to heart our dreams together along with mine to strive to see them in reality some day soon.  To those that lost their loved ones I say don't get into thinking that dream you had together is gone, I say vision it in the different way it will be with all your heart, it is up to you to keep that alive and understand to honor your love and keep it close to your heart to know it may not be the way you envisioned it but it will and can be the dream in a different way.  It is true and I've always known this in my heart "NEVER EVER GIVE UP ON YOUR DREAMS".   

As I sat with the most amazing lady talking of things, it was so enlightening to see her more excited than I was of all the things she seen I had done and what I wanted to do, she was the one that put that spark back where it needed to be in me, she was my angel that day to think more out of the box for me than I have on my own.  So I definitely say as soon as you are feeling down on letting go there is something that in the oddest ways will find a way to you to spark up that light in you once again, yet leaving you see things way out of the box than you thought you could ever see.   

It's hard it's a struggle but that is what it is all about the growth you take on to fit into those big dreams that you dream.  Oprah Winfrey that is a huge part of my dream, to be on her show Super Soul Sunday as frustrating as I get for not getting noticed I take pride in the much growth I take with me along the way before that dream becomes a reality, this blog being a world known famous blog touching hearts, well I took notice in the hundreds and hundred of comments and the many, many countries it has reached to realize part of that dream is there but in time no matter how long its been it will be all of what I visioned it to be.  

This is it for you all that you may feel your dream is not coming reality when in reality if you take time to let go of the frustration and truly look at what you do you will see that part of that dream is there, that you accomplished much of it you just have not got all the way there yet.  Then I remember hearing a lady say on LifeClass that after her mother had passed she took on a different faith and hope, as it is the same to the dreams you carry from what you had with your loved ones passed, they do not need to be forgotten they just need to take on a different change, in you is that love that never leaves, use that love and re conform that dream and never let it go along with the ones of your own.  

You can never have too many of dreams and purposes, they are all instilled in you for a reason, for the greater good to change in this world.  There is such gratefulness in me when I think of that transformation happening inside me in the midst of the storm showing me of all the things I've done that before would of never done, I thank God for allowing me to open my heart to the fullest to see the challenges I've done with out hesitation making me understand that to this day not anything is not for you if you just believe and become that dream.  I thank God that every time I want to give up I see signs of creations of his love in nature that are of significance to my husband passed and I that slowly levitates me back on the path I need to be on, I thank my husband passed for always being that angel around me to ease the bumps and falls that I shall take an have taken.  

Why do I come back and speak of him through stories I share, because he may not be seen but always with me to guide me to the path of the dream and purposes that I need to fulfill.  Is of the same to anyone out there, your dreams are there for a reason, your support may not be seen but is there,  if anything it is the best of support you could ever ask for, the angels you know of by name, God, angels you even don't know by name, all the love is there and it is strong in you and all around you.  Most of all I thank OWNTV for being there as my heart was wide open to allow me to realize there are more to everything you do then you see.  OWNTV by accident?  I think not by no accident was there for me after losing my husband and was there after losing my father instilling in me forgiveness and love so I could see beyond the pain I held onto towards my dad allowing us to gain all that love of a father and daughter should have before he passed.  

Things in your life may seem that you have not accomplished nothing but that's the frustration happening in you, take time to truly look at all you do now and that you have done and you will see parts of what you dream and the purposes you hold are taking reality, that just because all is not there does not mean you haven't made it to what you dream.  In dreams we want to be reality is also growth to take shape before reaching that reality, that is what I do believe dreams of ours happen little by little but because we don't see the full dream a reality we miss the little by little pieces.  

Is it of coincidence I got called today for a job that I thought wow not really my dream but sitting down to realize it is a job that my purposes will be put to full use is when I realized how sometimes things happen different to give you that growth on  the path leading to the reality of the bigger dream.

Do I get mad seeing others being supported so much over and over again to help them to their dreams yes I do but am I jealous?  no.  I know in me I am the one responsible for my dream and forget not the support I have is not to be seen but all I need to get where I need to go.  So for those who may feel alone and frustrated let go of it and look up and smile God's got you, your loved ones passed got you and most of all you got you.  Believe in the powerful human being you were born as and fill your whole being in knowing in the belief you have in you and your dreams.  Yes there will be down days but don't let it take away what your heart wants you to be and do.  Look inside you to know of all you done, been through already to know those little dreams you have made reality with out even noticing while doing.

~ Shine on falling angels, shine one me ~

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