To The Man That Broke My Heart:

As I sit here looking to the clouds on a gloomy day I cannot help but to feel exactly how the gloomy day resides with no sun, yet as I look up in wonder of why, I understand that for every end is making room for a new beginning for your life to evolve and bring in more growth, strength and light, things you thought of are making room to come into your life.  

As painful, hurtful and suffocating you feel now you have to feel that, get through it, take your heart that was broke into pieces yet again to know and trust as so many times before the pieces will soon enough come back together.  As a widow I truly understand what it is like to have your world taken completely from you, the future you saw becomes blank.  However this time it is a heartbreak of a difference, a heartbreak of a relationship you thought would be the one,  that brought a smile to your face and open heart that you thought could never be again.  

The pain is real, the tears and hopelessness fill your whole being in wanting to know why??  I opened my heart unexpectedly never thinking that again this could be, I loved fully yet here we are at an end, in my whole being I do not want to let go, I do not want this to be the outcome, am I holding on so tightly due to the pain I know takes over your whole world?  am I holding on to tight because I thought he was the one, the one who opened my heart fully after thinking I could never again?  

I walk around endlessly with thoughts, memories, laughter, tears thinking of how we were, how he so surprisingly entered my life.  As a widow I do believe letting another in is a big step in the life we lost and thought could never again, or is it just simply a human reaction of a heartache of a broken relationship?  I could not move, I could not see the light of the next day, I could not stop the pain, the tears, the darkness, I simply lay feeling I could not move, feeling paralysed  trying to understand why again do I have to be part of the pain that sucks all of everything you have out of you.  

I prayed that I'd get strength to make it through this, that I would understand why I gave my all and to see that in the end it was a dead end.  Than I started thinking to myself that what I have been through, I looked back to the pain I was so deeply berried in losing the love of my life to see who and what and where I am now, if that pain was so debilitating yet through it in my new beginning of starting over I have gained so much dreams, miracles, strength and love than perhaps once again this is the time to break to see that the end is just yet another new beginning.  

He was the light of my life that took my breath away in knowing I could love again, now it is just simply taking my breath away in full decapitating hurt, yet just as all hurt, discomfort and endings it is time to look up, trust in knowing the end is actually the beginning of new coming in, that as much in love I had felt he may of been the lesson to my heart showing I can love and that it is time to know that I can and know people sometimes are blessed upon us for the greatest lessons but sometime do not stay in your life, just there to prove to you that you can do all that you thought you could never. 

It is dark right now, the memories of us hurt and cut like a knife but I have to be strong in knowing the future is unknown and in this time its time to open my life to the new struggling to push in.  It's a part of life we sacrifice to love, to love and have it end, to love and hurt yet to look to positive to fill your heart.  Last night in the dark I lay in nothing but tears and pain but today I say thank you for this day, even though still heart broken thankful for the new day that is.  

This loss may be different but once loss of a life of your one true love has happened the loss all over again is as though it opens wounds that have been healing.  To the love of my life now my angel I pray to, also to God I pray in silence I let go of why to move to see what exactly will flourish in the new of the end.  This will not stop me to close my heart, love is love and love for ourselves and love of another is what we can never deny only if it is for a little.  Broken hearts have always a way to mend, that in time as just before you will look back to smile in all the beauty you have seen in the end that became a beginning for room for all new blessings to come in.  

I miss him, I love him , he was my first after losing the love of my life so all over again he is my first love of love after death.  I'll pray each and every day in time as soon as the darkness and tears fade I will see my new beginning, the blessings and light so bright it fills my all with warmth.  For a widow to love again is a rebirth yet nothing is ever promised forever, as a widow opening up to love again we have to understand we have the strength of our true love with us and forever hugging our soul, leading us to love and more love that they are not ever there to see nor want us be in hurt and darkness. 

It is different the guidance of their forever love for us sometimes may hurt us but through it we see their lessons, their direction, their reason.  Also as a mother I do believe for her I have to be the strength to show her that we never ever give up and will always have the strength to get up over and over again.  However as a widow we are still women,  we are still human and a heartache is a heartache as it would be to someone who has never lost their true love to death.  

I just think in it is a tad difference due to opening your heart again that thought could never do and yet to be heartbroken yet again in saying goodbye to the one you loved when you thought you never could of, but I say to that although it was ended in it you find "wow I can love again, differently but yes I can love again and feel happiness with another".  

To the man who broke my heart well I say thank you, thank you for opening my heart, for letting me feel love I thought I'd never again, to him I will forever have a piece of my heart where he lays.  For him I learned lessons of a lifetime, that to never ever give your all and believe a man is a reason to your happiness, that to never let someone have so much power over you that you feel you cannot live without them. 

Bitter yet sweet is what I feel, tears still fall, darkness is around yet as before I will stare that in the eye to know this is my breaking to new beginnings of my life for better to come in, to become more and more of the person I need to become.  I will not deny right now I am scared, scared to fail again, scared to be able to find another, yet at the same time I will look to the bright side to take time to love being by myself and love me and my own company.  

I'll take my time to show my little girl heartache may be pain but in heartache lays pure love and opening of growth and all new to be too excited to feel that pain, to be excited to know in all endings as sad as it may be on the other side it is a blessing of growth and knowledge to you to know that there is not anything you cannot get through with the belief you can and will.  To see in all change is discomfort but if forever run away from not wanting to feel it we will forever stay the same person trapped without growth, love, dreams and purpose.  In every heart wrenching break lays the new waiting to heal your heart.

So to the man I loved and loved again after losing the love of my life thank you for proving to me you could never be that pain I once felt when my life was taken away from me and ended as I said goodbye to my one and only true love.  Thank you for breaking me because in the break the shine will come through soon enough.  Thank you for showing me I do not ever need to feel as I need a man to have so much power over me to feel I cannot live with out them.  Thank you for showing me just how fierce, powerful and so full of love that I am, that I have so much love that not even you could break me in thinking I could never again.

Your Crap but in the best way possible,  lessons, tears and knowledge no matter how much it stinks.

You Loved me back to life to see that I could love again, you were my lesson not my life and that to all LOVE can break you to stay broke or you choose it to make you.

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Love, Sex, Relationships

Well the topic of love, sex and relationships back in the day use to be taboo to even think or speak of, yet to those widowed it is yet still a topic of taboo, maybe from my perspective from not all but a large majority.  To some it is this dark, deep disrespect to those that they have lost, as those in ways it feels to be cheating.  To some I see it is also something that happens quickly, making me try to grasp the difference in the taboo to some, and the move quickly of others with another.  For me for a long time I've felt in my heart it was as though a feeling in all of me as cheating, to be with another, staring at the face next to you but not the face it should be.  

I felt as though every time I got close I was having this outer body experience looking down on myself seeing how all of me felt the stiffed body, teeth clenched and most uncomfortable feeling you could ever feel, I'd find myself soon after laughing, not good feeling for the person on the other end, but laughing is something many do when uncomfortable. To that person on the other end it may seem most horrible to see that person trying to get close to laughing, thinking probably the worse an trying to understand just why exactly they are being laughed at, then the explanation of why, that it is not them you laugh at, it just makes for a horrible, sickening feeling all together.  To even picture yourself with another may make you feel nauseated.  

It is very understanding, we have lost the loves of our lives and never would of thought we would ever have to face embracing the moving on and being happy with someone else besides who we always felt in our hearts we would be with.  It's and off and on game of I am ready, I am not ready, that when tried you soon back away to find in all of you the discomfort of the whole situation pulls you back thinking "you can't do this, how can you do this?, this is not the man I planned to be with the rest of my life". 

To many they truly believe that it could and should never be, that finding someone anew is something that should never be, to me I believe in all that is the feelings that take control when even thinking of being with someone else.  To most I believe as I am guilty of this as well we go for a search of a replica to what we have lost, when we see that it is not out there we lose hope to ever think we can be happy again, when in all actuality we know deep down we can never find of the same again.  Some people just feel they have to be alone to forever honor that love, for many reasons there are so many that just want and to be alone.  

So I am going to put myself out there and talk of sex only because I have nothing to hide and feel if this could help anyone than my heart here is doing the love of work that is my purpose.  I got intimately close with someone and to experience the feelings that take over your whole body all at once is no doubt why so many do not ever speak or want another.  As I mentioned before during this experience I felt myself looking down at myself saying "why are you doing this?, why are you even with someone new?, how could you do this?,.  Then shortly after finding myself laughing out loud the hardest I ever had, then seeing the look of horrified on the person in front of me to feeling horrible, that even though you know why you are laughing that person on the other end has no idea, to them your laughing at them.  

Each and every time I feel to be ready and full force to be happy with another as soon as it gets more involved with that person my thoughts take a u turn into the forever thoughts of darkness.  To those who have children involved this topic becomes bigger and more intense.  Truly do not ever believe that people who have lost their love of their life want to be alone, it is the matter of being able to feel it is ok, to feel comfortable, to some how have a sign to you that it is ok to move on to be happy.  

I truly know that our loved ones passed want us to be happy, that instead of thinking they would be mad at us living life in all actuality they frown to the fact you feel you can't, I know in all of me from my husband passed he wants me to be happy, this was a famous line out of his mouth every day of every year we were together "he just wants me to be happy".  It is one of the biggest hush hush topics I know evolving in the lives of all that grieve right now.  

The taboo of the time limit, the taboo of even having feelings for another, the taboo of ever even thinking of being happy with someone else when you should be happy with the love lost.  No one is on this earth to be alone, unhappy, feeling guilt, feeling shame, our life is a gift and that gift is to live our life to the fullest each and every day not to feel sad, disappointed, frustrated, uncomfortable, those are all words that keep you from what you truly should be experiencing.  

As it is to fear is the same to fear being with another, that fear like every other fear is a disguise to your surprise unfolded if you take on that fear to find your blessings of all you thought could never be.  Can there be love after losing your love of life?, yes but only if you know in your heart it will never be of the same but in its own special way.  Even companionship is there for you to embrace, someone to laugh with and go to outings with, the thing I believe of it all is if your still feeling the pain of uncomfortable than do not be discouraged just know it is your hearts way of letting you know you are not ready, however that line could be a thin line if you forever feeling uncomfortable and disgusted that is fear playing a role in it all, that is a fear you have to be brave enough to walk through to find your sunshine on the other end of it all.  

We all get second chances, when it is the right one I truly know in my heart that all of those feelings will never be around, however being out there trying to find the one can be very upsetting and hopeless as you try and try and try.  Yet you will never get to where you want to be with out that failure and trying again and again and again.  Do not let the let downs get you down, keep your head high and know your angel and God are working on someone specially for you and your life, someone who just may not be ready to enter your life just yet.  

Sex can you even say that word all grievers out there?, that is a whole topic of its own.  Can you picture yourself even being naked with another?, do you get that feeling of horrified in the pit of your stomach?  do you feel sick at all thinking about it?, do you try to forget the word as fast as you thought of it?.  Again sex is not just sex, not something to just do because you need that closeness, although if your like me you don't and can't even go there.  I've gotten pretty close and let me tell you it was nothing but of a failure.  

I feel sorry for those men out there that may still be feeling "what is it I've done?, am I that bad?.  Having that kind of intimacy is just as uncomfortable as even thinking of dating another however as I mentioned that all disappears when it is the person that surprisingly pops into your life showing you happiness again, that happiness is and can be again.  Be easy on you and know that when you are being approached with love to you graced by the love of your angel and God you will not ever feel to turn that down.  

I feel like Dr Ruth on so many occasions because from so many I get asked the questions of so much, I do not however take it lightly because I know in my heart just how hard it is for us that grieve to ever feel we will be comfortable again being intimate with another.  It's easy to understand no kind of intimacy should take part for wrong reasons nor if you feel that out of control comfortableness.  If your feeling naked before your naked than this moment and person is not the time it should be.  

Three years almost and I am just beginning to get out there, does this make me unfaithful?  no this makes me honoring the love I lost to allow myself to know I deserve and can be happy again but will never forget or lose that love lost, that love will forever be.  It takes a very special person to embrace us grieving hearts, to know they are not in competition and also know as we are happy to be happy again we will always miss that love we lost.  When with the right person, at the right time sex will and be as natural as it is to brush your teeth, yup I said it, sex again, you may not see that now but you will, you may say never, but there is a saying "never say never".  

A couple times I found myself in awkward of positions, to know deep down that this is not the time for me nor the right person, bare skinned and all, almost there but breaks put on very quickly, we all make mistake and move fast but knowing and doing and taking actions to what you know is not meant to be is a intuition blessed to you for very good reasons.  

There may even be times you feel so lonely that you want a friend with benefits, yup I said it friends with benefits ha ha, yet why limit yourself to the better that awaits to your life in time with all the patience in you that you need to have.  I know myself I even pondered the idea then getting back to reality with respect of myself I chose patience over two minutes of pleasure, as well as patience in the one headed specially to me, for me to be happy again.  Good things to come may seem forever but worth the wait.  

To those saying they forever want to be alone, your life will take a total surprise one day, you will see.  I do not and never will believe there is anyone that is to be alone, there is someone out there for everyone, that it does not mean you get just one shot, that like all other things and incidents in life we all get second chances. I wish I could have a recording of so many around the world that grieve saying sex sex sex and listen to them all and hear that awkward in their voices just saying it :).  

Just remember in the time it is meant to be it will be, believe strongly that loving, relationships, sex again will be but in the time your heart knows you are ready.  Know deep in your heart that person is being created from the loved one you lost to specially fit you and to see your happiness again and smile because they know we need and give permission for us all to be able to move on not backwards.  A thought every night as I speak in silence from my heart to my husband passed I tell him " I give you permission to let me be happy again and move on, to give me the strength to understand that I can and that doing that is honoring our love, to know in my heart that he wants me to be happy, that one day it will just happen in the hands of his love handed down to the life I live".

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