Don't Look Back Your Not Going That Way

Then and now, often times gets combined in your life as you live in the now without any knowledge that you have gone to the past in the now until you one day realize really why you keep circling like you been living the same day over and over again.  You stop in the unsurprisingly fact that you stand in utter shock that you have been choosing the past already gone caught up in trying to be living in the now.  You see things of the past that you want in your life now, you want all of what you were and what you had in the present that it totally blind sites you to what you been doing for so long until you realize why am I not getting no where? 

That truly is when you stand gasping in utter shock of not believing you never noticed happening for so long.  Yes it is a very common and wide spread issue happening in so many of lives right now.  However once acknowledged, is not a failure to you or your live it is a stepping stone that you have realized and making the choice to move forward to do what you need to live in the present.  I know from experience I often find this happening a lot in life, I look for things that once were to be here in the now, I look to find the way of how I was then that is no longer to only find out that person is no longer of the now, that person left a long time ago and to try to hold on to things of once was only keeps you in a circle that never ends as you live now. 

As a widow starting a new chapter it is easy to want characteristics, personalities, qualities of the person you loved so much to be of the person you want to be with or are with to be that way.  It is crippling to keep holding on to these wishes of wanting in the now because that person will never be again, that person was your past a memory for yourself and heart as you live life now.  There are so many aspects of your life that happened that it is so easy to want to go back, what we need to see is that we have to grow and keeping a hold on what you are, had from the past keeps you unable to grow and move forward to all the little to biggest dreams that wait ahead for you. 

Never have I seen it so much in my life until now, the craving of the past wanting to hold on to so much wanting it to be present still.  This is a daily habit to find yourself having to recognize on a daily basis that you are doing it, that you need to work very hard each and every day recognizing and letting go, the past is no longer,  it is nothing more than a memory, so everyday is a fight on bettering yourself to let go to move forward in understanding each day you work through it you will grow more and more and find your little pieces of dreams, goals and love evolving more and more. 

Sometimes you want to hide out for just a little while, understanding that much so as the greatest of moments vivid in your heart mind and soul are from the past but yet knowing it is crucial to not stay stuck there.  This topic I chose today is because of experience and everyday I try to get my feelings of experience out there in knowing others to may be going through this hardship in the exact time I am as well. 

It is only from personal experience and my heart I base topics on to in hopes to reach at least one person to know they are not alone, to see and in hopes to gain hope and faith that it will not last forever, you can break the habit and break through to step into the now of your life and stay there moving forward.  It is so very easy to fall into habits we carried for so long but like all once we recognize what we are doing it is just the same to fall in the habit everyday to become the better person we see ourselves to be. 

It is quite a miracle to us all that not one of us is bound to be stuck in any of our bad habits we sometime see invisible that we all as a person can be the person we dream we always wanted to be, that not one of us is bound to not be our dream, that in all of us in this world our dream is ours to achieve.  Our habits do not ever keep us stuck if we forever choose to see it, break free of it and continually walk through it. 

To not give up on you is the most important in life, to feel you cannot over come the issues you may face everyday is to say you do not deserve to breathe, if you are here you are here to forever kick the cycle of whatever struggles you may see yourself continually in on a day to day basis but to fight that cycle and change it for the better.  For me I look at it as pinching yourself, often enough your going to feel it and know it hurts to understand that you do not want to pinch yourself no more.

I do not say it is not an easy process, however working on you, working on the parts of you that you want to change is definitely a everyday process, routine once you get to know and see it and want to address it, life period is not easy and that as well is what makes us all a stronger growing person to become who we are suppose to be, who dreamed we want to be, to be where we dream to be.  Yes it's long, times are dark yet through the pushing through you see the light little by little every step you take forward.

At times there may be so many things within you that you feel you want to make better for yourself that it may feel impossible but as I always say what does it really say in IMPOSSIBLE, IM POSSIBLE.  To know in due time you will get through all you see and know deep within that you feel to change will be every day as you work through it and constantly address it and understand why asking yourself how can I change this?  Why do I want to change this?  Does this need to be changed or can I surrender to it and let that rest

We are not perfect but most definitely a work in progress every single day we step out of our bed to thank God for a brand new day again.  That alone is enough to breathe life so strong into your veins to conquer all that you feel you need to that day.  Be you do not try to fit in another's life, choose always to be you and fit into you and only you always. 

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Five Year Marker Bliss

It was a usual everyday kind of day, routine alarm piercing your ear with the refusal of not wanting to wake, the tiredness that takes over your whole being of wanting to just stay and be warm under your comfort zone of blankets, the sound of a child not happy as well as having to wake to start a new day at school.  Chaos creeks in taking your breath away as you fly around to do all that is needed to get out the door to be on time.  Have you ever felt as though mornings need to be slowed down?, that perhaps one day it be nice to be in slow motion and enjoy being grateful for given another day? 

Today was a marking point for me but through out this day it never once occurred to me or was realized, even after all the chaos still in my silence this marking point in my life was not recalled as I sat and enjoyed the morning in silence listening to all noises around me and the sunlight beaming warmly off my cheeks.  Perhaps that was it, really I do not know what fogged me this day to not remembering, the beauty of peace, the chaos all questions I recall and cannot be answered.  I sat there though, I sat there knowing surrounded by all natures beauty your love was with me in every part I looked yet still I sat unaware of this day, the day every month that I use to know was here, the day of the time that ripped all of me open over and over again, however today was not that way. 

So the day unrecognized was the five year marker since you left this world to become our angel forever with us in silence.  I gasped as I could not believe that on this day not once did it occur to me that it has been five years, feeling guilty I shed tears yet I believe that you come fully into a person that for so long suffered in remembering the bad you take that part away to remember the greatest memories, that in your whole being in time day by day you come to a part of you that remembering the special days, the special memories that you understand for the person  you start to fully live for them and yourself to let go of the pain, you remember them as you always wanted to full of love and smiles, that on the year to year marks you start to come into a person who fully understands it is not about losing its about seeing that love in you and around you. 

For me I truly believe you start to evolve in living for not only yourself but for the ones you lost, that in some point in your grieving you evolve into this magical person who stands strong and understands to not dwell on the bad to celebrate the love and even though on that day of another year passed you may forgot for a little of what it was that happened that day you look around to feel love, so don't feel guilty, don't cry in sadness know that it is all of you evolving to the person your loved one wants to see you as "Happy", living life for them as they reside in you and love resides all around you. 

I actual sigh in relief that I understand on the yearly markers that the pain don't lead me our love and greatest memories do shinning bright down on me and in my heart.  So as the chaos of morning started unknowingly I slowed myself down without realizing it was the day you left us.   I sat in peace and love and beautiful sunlight as though that was your gift shinning down to me not realizing or thinking of any pain of that dreadful day just sitting and taking in the world and all its love. 

After an amount of time we as a person become evolved in our emotions and knowledge of just what it was and what we need to do that these times become bitter sweet to us, that we may not dwell on it but instead we bask ourselves in life for the ones we lost. 

That day I remember the bluest of sky, the warmth of the sun, the butterflies flying above my front lawn, the robins bathing in the grass, all beauty that touched my all with nothing but pure love, the love that has been blessed upon me by my husband passed, all of what I felt that day is how I felt everyday in our love, to me that was a special gift that day, a day that I may have forgotten but a gift of beauty that put a smile on my face as though it was meant to be that way. 

As I walked home from getting our little girl off to school after the chaos of morning routine, still unknown of the five year marker I looked up and remember seeing the fluffiest white cloud I have ever seen and smiled, walking more all natures life that morning felt more vibrant more outstanding than ever before, so as I sat later remembering what day it was as I felt guilty I remembered the day and just how different it was in a beautiful way.  To me that was a sign that it was definitely meant to be that way, a celebration of love, a love so strong that nature even recognized it.

Yes the missing of the person is there but the love around you is stronger leading you to know that even though not seen that person you love so much will always remind you they are all around you.  That in a moment of time of need you are gifted to so much love all around you as a gift to you saying today may of been forgotten to tell you to just stop counting and live, live for you, live for me and see me all around you in everything you see, and know that love is always with you no matter what you forget, that the best memories are the good memories and that all that matters most.

So I say look up, breath and close your eyes to know all around you everything in nature dances full of your love, that in all that is your love.

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Anxiety Does Not Discriminate

Coming from a very personal part of our life and as I say "our" I mean my daughter and I, as I say "our" it disheartens me to even have to include my little girl in that one word.  Usually in that just one word usually comes a story of happiness, smiles, something that excites your whole being as well as lightening the room. 

However this "our" is a "our" that may seem at times to put a frown on your face, or a time you may feel sad or sorry for what you read, that is not at all as I see it nor want you to.  I share my emotions and rollercoaster post in hopes to come out of this strong and a beacon of light shed to others to understand and learn whatever they can out of this all.  I say it proud to touch hearts to be bold and let all know this is not a subject no longer to be silent about, to be embarrassed about, to feel you are left in back of the shadows in darkness afraid to come out. 

I do know myself it was frightening, it was embarrassing, I felt alone, ashamed, all feelings that should never touch a person suffering due to "society", or "societies" view of what you deal with on a daily basis looking and feeling to it as though a weakness.  I come from a very strong line of beautiful ladies who all dealt with this sickness, not one time have I seen all these women as weakness due to what they bared in their own darkness due to the fact of what others feel of the problem that affects so many but stay alone in the dark afraid to come out into the light to understand what they go through strengthens them, ignoring the opinion of society or what others may feel or say. 

So the elephant in the room that name has been nameless is called "Anxiety".  Have you rolled your eyes?  Have you immediately stopped reading?  Have you heard a little voice in your head saying "yea right that is not a sickness?  not a "real" problem, issue, health condition?  Well nae Sayers out there sorry to be so blunt but there are as of any other issues their are those out there that do feel certain ways towards real issues simply because they have not encountered what someone is and has gone through, simply just because of that there are so many that suffer in silence due to being looked at as " odd, selfless, weak, made up problem", simply just different"   and those uneducated are those that keep many in their darkness in the time they need light, hope, love. 

I blog of this now because it hit close to home, very close to home, I type this in hopes for others to give up the darkness, embarrassment, being afraid to come out and own their strength that so many believe is a weakness.  Two years after my husband had passed I struggled in shame and stayed in my darkness due to the view and shadiness of opinions and societies views not wanting to say a word to a soul as I lay so many nights as well as days feeling as though I may die, the panic that invades your whole being leaving you feel afraid so afraid you are crippled to the regular littlest things you need and use to do in life.  Going outside, it literally rips you of everything you felt so confident of doing before leaving you breathless as you lay in the tears of fear of "why is this happening?  Am I dying?  Am I the only one?  you just want answers but you get none as you lay in a world that resides of just you as you hide all that you go through from the eyes of others in utter shame. 

I was lucky as others right now still reside in that alone world I stood strong after a long year battle of not being able to do this alone on my own and started speaking out loud, I started seeking the love I so dearly needed, prayers, as well as answers to what was happening in my life, in my mind, in my body that I have never felt before.  I came out of that world I resided alone with confidence that I was not the only one that felt or went through all that was happening, just as I was never alone nor the only one that suffered with grief.  You see it has taken me three years to post this out there for all to see but as I look around to so many it breaks my being to keep quiet in knowing so many are suffering. 

Have you ever looked to the list that seems endless to the symptoms of anxiety?  you should because its here and its real and it is not to make others feel as though they need to feel ashamed and suffer alone, or even worse take their lives due to the over bearing emotions you feel you may never escape.  Its easy to understand going through your whole life hearing of stories but not being able to identify and shrug it off as someone wanting to seek attention, or figment of their imagination but never say that cannot happen to you and understand even though not been in that persons shoes it is a problem rising all over this world, it is a health issue, it is debilitating and all that on its own is enough for a person to bare along with feeling will be hackled or shunned upon or looked at differently or weak, that is just a few to name as a person suffers the issues that keep them secluded from the life they cannot live, that they feel cannot be lived along with not having support that they need due to not wanting to be shamed coming out and seeking help. 

Again I fall a victim to the shame and embarrassment of what others may say as I once again had to deal with this issue anxiety as it invaded my little girls life.  I cry in knowing as a person who so closely aware of the sickness felt so ashamed to come out and see it in my girl, I seen the signs, the symptoms and kept telling myself "no way it can't be happening to her she is so young, what will other people think?, will they see me as a bad mom?, will they shun upon her and feel as though this is a weakness in a young child that really is not an issue to be dealt with"?    As I struggled knowing she to was in that world alone I stood strong knowing so deeply of the issue that I stood strong for her and reached for her hand as well as help that was needed knowing deeply in my heart that my little girl will not ever feel alone or different for what she was going through, that no matter what she was strong and the person she has always been, that this was a cross road in our life we would get through yet again. 

So I say to everyone anxiety is REAL it is a health issue it an issue in so many lives.   So next time you feel its all just "in your head illusion" or seeking out for attention kind of thing in someone IT IS NOT, it is real and it may be the person you are sitting next to or the person you walk past on the street.  Anxiety leaves a person feeling alone, so lets not keep them there in a world in shadows of darkness and helpless, lets reach out and grab their hands knowing for every heart we touch many more will be reached. 

For me a couple of signs to look for, someone who withdraws all of a sudden from their life activities, simple things that they once use to do that you see no longer, a change in personality,  these two signs are the strongest in a person dealing with anxiety because it is so debilitating to you that things so small of what you use to do is something that you feel can never do again in fear of the symptoms that come with out warning at any time no matter where ever you are.  Like simply going out on the porch of your home, getting the paper, smiling, that person you once saw no longer seen is a question you need to ask yourself "is that person ok?"  ask yourself what or why you no longer see them doing what they have done every day before now. 

I to this day still thrive in understanding I am not any less of a person I was before this and now as a mother look to my little girl to gain my strength to show her it is not a burden, it does not make us less than anything at all it is something we will walk through, get through together, it is not weakness it is strengthen us more and more as we pave our way.  Sometimes I look to my little girl and cry yet at the same time I understand that this is not failure, this is something that will be faced and fought and shine a light so bright onto others that are in their own world alone in the dark to see the light and know it is nothing to feel ashamed of or as less of a person ever. 

This now that I think of it is a reason I believe in so strongly now than before the word HELLO, saying hello to everyone you walk by to everyone you see, cause now I know so deeply within that everyone may be fighting a battle you know nothing of, that simple word hello is just something that seems so small but something so huge to everyone fighting their battles of life. 

Parents do not look past the signs you feel in your gut are there simply because you are afraid or feel "how others will feel or see your child as"  be the light your child needs and strength they need until they to can come into their own light.  I say this with the strongest of knowledge when your gut tells you something is not right, do not ignore it, push it off or feel embarrassed of the situation deal with it head on right there right then.  We are the love our child looks up to, if we ignore them what do we show them to be to others?.  Anxiety does not discriminate against age.  Anxiety is real and exists, in adults, elderly it is ageless and race less and it is serious.

My daughter and I share "our" now not as something to cry about but a scar that be bared to the world in knowing it is "ours' to bare and share the light because baring our scars is shinning bright for others.  We now know "our" is not a sad story yet a story we strengthen every day and know is not an ending but a beginning to a chapter we will face together and continue to face together.  Through good times and bad anxiety holds no barriers on you once you stand strong and look it in the eye along with casting sunshine onto others dark clouds.

Things that may feel so far away but help you suffering with anxiety, making yourself get out because once you are out that FEAR of anxiety fades and you look around to YES YOU CAN do it, that you are ok that nothing bad is happening to you, that you are not in danger, being outside is the most invigorating step towards fighting the fear of your anxiety that more and more done you in time see YES I can and YES I will, that it does not have to hold me captive, you still feel those symptoms but they lighten, the more you see you can the more you understand you are not a prisoner.  Now you may say "YERA RIGHT" but something so little as well that is the greatest benefactor is BREATHING, deep breaths as you face your symptoms of fear slowly calm your whole being the more done the calm that comes within is a beauty of never before a conquer of all you thought could never feel again.  Just know that this is not a forever situation, that it is not a forever part of your life, in time you will become stronger and move forward baby step at a time.

You are INCREDIBLE show the world truly what you are scars and all

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