Your Body knows You Best

When your body gives you little hints that something is not right listen.  It's amazing to me that your body knows you better than you think it would.  I felt the little signs but as many went on full speed ahead believing that in life there is no time to stop now.  I kept on plucking hard core, getting into more and more of my routine of working, working, sleeping,  taking no time to realize my body was sending at the moment little hints that "hey you need to stop and breathe".  

My life I was living felt like a constant battle, to me it was as though I was working hard, for the love of my daughter and being able to support us.  However not realizing that my body and spirit was constantly feeling it was in that fight mode, battling to be the best I can, as my confidence quickly diminished to mistakes had, not then noticing all this chaos around me so completely intertwined in,  just making it, making a living, working hard, never once listening to the bigger picture.  

I understand that when mistakes are made on job that it is needed to be acknowledged but to constantly see that can really chop your confidence down to a point where you forgot that confident person you use to be was gone.  It's easy perhaps for some but for me I take all in 110 percent more, my feelings are at its peak due to having that Intuitive Empath in me.  It definitely was a shock I had not noticed the signs earlier than I had, than suffered a huge price when it was later that the sign from body was loud and fierce, to make me definitely get its signs it was signaling for a long time.  

I sat at my seat one day feeling all of my senses just so heightened, thinking to myself "What is this that I am feeling and why am I stretching myself so far to the point where my health is second place to work".  I was in complete shock sitting there stunned as I noticed just how sick my body was feeling, freaking out saying in my mind "nothing is more important than your health ever".  

Than thought of my daughter had already lost her father, that I needed to take care of me to be able to be there for her.  That is when I truly took to heart all this time of being in the do, do, do, mode that I never once stopped to feel those signals my body was so kindly trying to tell me.  Than I realized nothing is more important than my health and mental state.  

That is when I let out a huge exhale and kindly let go of what did not serve me or my body at that very moment.  Feeling the intense heightened of my anxiety, my pains, feeling sick shook me to my core with fear to lead me to my Doctor.  I was literally in a mode of thinking "how did it get this far"?  Am I going to be OK"?  I was literally in a moment where I felt all the life had been sucked out of me and that's putting it lightly.  How did I let go of myself, the girl so full of life, confidence, happiness, laughter and love?.  

That is truly when I started to panic thinking "will that person I was come back"?  I sat impatiently and restless in The Doctor's office waiting her arrival.  Nothing but in thought of pure panic wondering where am I going to go from here?  It was a war going on in life and inside me, at that moment tears started to form, just as the tears started to form and sheer blank was in my eyes the Doctor entered looked at me and kid you not read me right away, stating "you look very stressed and you're going to cry" as she handed me a box of Kleenex.  

I was in pure shock how bang,  she knew it and she felt it.  It was that moment the shock of my life would be said to me by the Doctor, "I am taking you off work because at this point I do not see this going in a good direction for you and your health".  That is when I truly broke down realizing just how bad it was, how bad I let it get.  Looking to the Doctor she smiled giving me a glimpse of light that although how bad it may be,  it will be the best thing for myself and health.  That no matter how tight money would be, that money as well is never more important than your health, mind, body and spirit.  That day seemed to be my biggest fear but looking back was my blessing and beyond.  

It was near Christmas not really the best of time however it is something I now look back on to see it was definitely what saved me, it brought back the me I was to me again, plus so much more to add to the me that was.  I found my groundings, found out that I was not a failure, never will be.  It brought me into the knowledge of the gifts gifted to me that never thought could ever be.  It brought those gifts out front and forward, to come out, let it out and not be ashamed of the purpose in my life given to me.  The three months by far were not easy, yet through it the light come through in those darkest of moments.

  

Truly now know that there is never anything that will keep me down, that I can not go through and still find that bright light waiting for me always.  Never again will I ever let another take away the who of what I am.  Never will I allow someone else define who I am no matter what it is at hand.  

It is me that controls and defines who I am and others do not matter.  These three months will never, ever be forgotten so much greatness has come from it out of the darkest places through it.  The endless love support that surrounds me will never be forgotten, to know that will never be broken and forever lift you up when you can no longer walk on your own.  

To be gifted with that huge support of love system is on it's own by far the best gift in life you could ever ask for.  So yes I was taken off work by my Doctor, which startled me at first but it was her greatest blessing to me.  These three months have been the biggest roller coaster, however it has strengthened me, it's defined where I know my limits are and never again will go beyond that.  

Looking back I have to smile knowing that these three months were nothing I've endured before, losing my husband, hitting rock bottom, this time around I smiled knowing that it is all a learning and growth period, that I had the strength just as before to walk through it.  

Don't get me wrong it has been painful, there were many days of gloom, tears and heartache, yet the good out weighed the dark.  So now I definitely look to my future to whatever does not serve me in a positive way will never be more important than my well being.  That as hard as it is to fear what it be like to leave what don't serve me, that the letting go is part of letting the better, new to come in.  

Nothing will ever make me believe "I have to do this"  "I have no choice but to be here, stay here"  that if it is bringing my being down than it's time to change, drop it, move on and let that new to come in my life. 

My Mantra now "Nothing is ever permanent, only Temporary if it does not serve you positively".

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Anxiety Does Not Discriminate

Coming from a very personal part of our life and as I say "our" I mean my daughter and I, as I say "our" it disheartens me to even have to include my little girl in that one word.  Usually in that just one word usually comes a story of happiness, smiles, something that excites your whole being as well as lightening the room. 

However this "our" is a "our" that may seem at times to put a frown on your face, or a time you may feel sad or sorry for what you read, that is not at all as I see it nor want you to.  I share my emotions and rollercoaster post in hopes to come out of this strong and a beacon of light shed to others to understand and learn whatever they can out of this all.  I say it proud to touch hearts to be bold and let all know this is not a subject no longer to be silent about, to be embarrassed about, to feel you are left in back of the shadows in darkness afraid to come out. 

I do know myself it was frightening, it was embarrassing, I felt alone, ashamed, all feelings that should never touch a person suffering due to "society", or "societies" view of what you deal with on a daily basis looking and feeling to it as though a weakness.  I come from a very strong line of beautiful ladies who all dealt with this sickness, not one time have I seen all these women as weakness due to what they bared in their own darkness due to the fact of what others feel of the problem that affects so many but stay alone in the dark afraid to come out into the light to understand what they go through strengthens them, ignoring the opinion of society or what others may feel or say. 

So the elephant in the room that name has been nameless is called "Anxiety".  Have you rolled your eyes?  Have you immediately stopped reading?  Have you heard a little voice in your head saying "yea right that is not a sickness?  not a "real" problem, issue, health condition?  Well nae Sayers out there sorry to be so blunt but there are as of any other issues their are those out there that do feel certain ways towards real issues simply because they have not encountered what someone is and has gone through, simply just because of that there are so many that suffer in silence due to being looked at as " odd, selfless, weak, made up problem", simply just different"   and those uneducated are those that keep many in their darkness in the time they need light, hope, love. 

I blog of this now because it hit close to home, very close to home, I type this in hopes for others to give up the darkness, embarrassment, being afraid to come out and own their strength that so many believe is a weakness.  Two years after my husband had passed I struggled in shame and stayed in my darkness due to the view and shadiness of opinions and societies views not wanting to say a word to a soul as I lay so many nights as well as days feeling as though I may die, the panic that invades your whole being leaving you feel afraid so afraid you are crippled to the regular littlest things you need and use to do in life.  Going outside, it literally rips you of everything you felt so confident of doing before leaving you breathless as you lay in the tears of fear of "why is this happening?  Am I dying?  Am I the only one?  you just want answers but you get none as you lay in a world that resides of just you as you hide all that you go through from the eyes of others in utter shame. 

I was lucky as others right now still reside in that alone world I stood strong after a long year battle of not being able to do this alone on my own and started speaking out loud, I started seeking the love I so dearly needed, prayers, as well as answers to what was happening in my life, in my mind, in my body that I have never felt before.  I came out of that world I resided alone with confidence that I was not the only one that felt or went through all that was happening, just as I was never alone nor the only one that suffered with grief.  You see it has taken me three years to post this out there for all to see but as I look around to so many it breaks my being to keep quiet in knowing so many are suffering. 

Have you ever looked to the list that seems endless to the symptoms of anxiety?  you should because its here and its real and it is not to make others feel as though they need to feel ashamed and suffer alone, or even worse take their lives due to the over bearing emotions you feel you may never escape.  Its easy to understand going through your whole life hearing of stories but not being able to identify and shrug it off as someone wanting to seek attention, or figment of their imagination but never say that cannot happen to you and understand even though not been in that persons shoes it is a problem rising all over this world, it is a health issue, it is debilitating and all that on its own is enough for a person to bare along with feeling will be hackled or shunned upon or looked at differently or weak, that is just a few to name as a person suffers the issues that keep them secluded from the life they cannot live, that they feel cannot be lived along with not having support that they need due to not wanting to be shamed coming out and seeking help. 

Again I fall a victim to the shame and embarrassment of what others may say as I once again had to deal with this issue anxiety as it invaded my little girls life.  I cry in knowing as a person who so closely aware of the sickness felt so ashamed to come out and see it in my girl, I seen the signs, the symptoms and kept telling myself "no way it can't be happening to her she is so young, what will other people think?, will they see me as a bad mom?, will they shun upon her and feel as though this is a weakness in a young child that really is not an issue to be dealt with"?    As I struggled knowing she to was in that world alone I stood strong knowing so deeply of the issue that I stood strong for her and reached for her hand as well as help that was needed knowing deeply in my heart that my little girl will not ever feel alone or different for what she was going through, that no matter what she was strong and the person she has always been, that this was a cross road in our life we would get through yet again. 

So I say to everyone anxiety is REAL it is a health issue it an issue in so many lives.   So next time you feel its all just "in your head illusion" or seeking out for attention kind of thing in someone IT IS NOT, it is real and it may be the person you are sitting next to or the person you walk past on the street.  Anxiety leaves a person feeling alone, so lets not keep them there in a world in shadows of darkness and helpless, lets reach out and grab their hands knowing for every heart we touch many more will be reached. 

For me a couple of signs to look for, someone who withdraws all of a sudden from their life activities, simple things that they once use to do that you see no longer, a change in personality,  these two signs are the strongest in a person dealing with anxiety because it is so debilitating to you that things so small of what you use to do is something that you feel can never do again in fear of the symptoms that come with out warning at any time no matter where ever you are.  Like simply going out on the porch of your home, getting the paper, smiling, that person you once saw no longer seen is a question you need to ask yourself "is that person ok?"  ask yourself what or why you no longer see them doing what they have done every day before now. 

I to this day still thrive in understanding I am not any less of a person I was before this and now as a mother look to my little girl to gain my strength to show her it is not a burden, it does not make us less than anything at all it is something we will walk through, get through together, it is not weakness it is strengthen us more and more as we pave our way.  Sometimes I look to my little girl and cry yet at the same time I understand that this is not failure, this is something that will be faced and fought and shine a light so bright onto others that are in their own world alone in the dark to see the light and know it is nothing to feel ashamed of or as less of a person ever. 

This now that I think of it is a reason I believe in so strongly now than before the word HELLO, saying hello to everyone you walk by to everyone you see, cause now I know so deeply within that everyone may be fighting a battle you know nothing of, that simple word hello is just something that seems so small but something so huge to everyone fighting their battles of life. 

Parents do not look past the signs you feel in your gut are there simply because you are afraid or feel "how others will feel or see your child as"  be the light your child needs and strength they need until they to can come into their own light.  I say this with the strongest of knowledge when your gut tells you something is not right, do not ignore it, push it off or feel embarrassed of the situation deal with it head on right there right then.  We are the love our child looks up to, if we ignore them what do we show them to be to others?.  Anxiety does not discriminate against age.  Anxiety is real and exists, in adults, elderly it is ageless and race less and it is serious.

My daughter and I share "our" now not as something to cry about but a scar that be bared to the world in knowing it is "ours' to bare and share the light because baring our scars is shinning bright for others.  We now know "our" is not a sad story yet a story we strengthen every day and know is not an ending but a beginning to a chapter we will face together and continue to face together.  Through good times and bad anxiety holds no barriers on you once you stand strong and look it in the eye along with casting sunshine onto others dark clouds.

Things that may feel so far away but help you suffering with anxiety, making yourself get out because once you are out that FEAR of anxiety fades and you look around to YES YOU CAN do it, that you are ok that nothing bad is happening to you, that you are not in danger, being outside is the most invigorating step towards fighting the fear of your anxiety that more and more done you in time see YES I can and YES I will, that it does not have to hold me captive, you still feel those symptoms but they lighten, the more you see you can the more you understand you are not a prisoner.  Now you may say "YERA RIGHT" but something so little as well that is the greatest benefactor is BREATHING, deep breaths as you face your symptoms of fear slowly calm your whole being the more done the calm that comes within is a beauty of never before a conquer of all you thought could never feel again.  Just know that this is not a forever situation, that it is not a forever part of your life, in time you will become stronger and move forward baby step at a time.

You are INCREDIBLE show the world truly what you are scars and all

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