Coming from a very personal part of our life and as I say "our" I mean my daughter and I, as I say "our" it disheartens me to even have to include my little girl in that one word. Usually in that just one word usually comes a story of happiness, smiles, something that excites your whole being as well as lightening the room.
However this "our" is a "our" that may seem at times to put a frown on your face, or a time you may feel sad or sorry for what you read, that is not at all as I see it nor want you to. I share my emotions and rollercoaster post in hopes to come out of this strong and a beacon of light shed to others to understand and learn whatever they can out of this all. I say it proud to touch hearts to be bold and let all know this is not a subject no longer to be silent about, to be embarrassed about, to feel you are left in back of the shadows in darkness afraid to come out.
I do know myself it was frightening, it was embarrassing, I felt alone, ashamed, all feelings that should never touch a person suffering due to "society", or "societies" view of what you deal with on a daily basis looking and feeling to it as though a weakness. I come from a very strong line of beautiful ladies who all dealt with this sickness, not one time have I seen all these women as weakness due to what they bared in their own darkness due to the fact of what others feel of the problem that affects so many but stay alone in the dark afraid to come out into the light to understand what they go through strengthens them, ignoring the opinion of society or what others may feel or say.
So the elephant in the room that name has been nameless is called "Anxiety". Have you rolled your eyes? Have you immediately stopped reading? Have you heard a little voice in your head saying "yea right that is not a sickness? not a "real" problem, issue, health condition? Well nae Sayers out there sorry to be so blunt but there are as of any other issues their are those out there that do feel certain ways towards real issues simply because they have not encountered what someone is and has gone through, simply just because of that there are so many that suffer in silence due to being looked at as " odd, selfless, weak, made up problem", simply just different" and those uneducated are those that keep many in their darkness in the time they need light, hope, love.
I blog of this now because it hit close to home, very close to home, I type this in hopes for others to give up the darkness, embarrassment, being afraid to come out and own their strength that so many believe is a weakness. Two years after my husband had passed I struggled in shame and stayed in my darkness due to the view and shadiness of opinions and societies views not wanting to say a word to a soul as I lay so many nights as well as days feeling as though I may die, the panic that invades your whole being leaving you feel afraid so afraid you are crippled to the regular littlest things you need and use to do in life. Going outside, it literally rips you of everything you felt so confident of doing before leaving you breathless as you lay in the tears of fear of "why is this happening? Am I dying? Am I the only one? you just want answers but you get none as you lay in a world that resides of just you as you hide all that you go through from the eyes of others in utter shame.
I was lucky as others right now still reside in that alone world I stood strong after a long year battle of not being able to do this alone on my own and started speaking out loud, I started seeking the love I so dearly needed, prayers, as well as answers to what was happening in my life, in my mind, in my body that I have never felt before. I came out of that world I resided alone with confidence that I was not the only one that felt or went through all that was happening, just as I was never alone nor the only one that suffered with grief. You see it has taken me three years to post this out there for all to see but as I look around to so many it breaks my being to keep quiet in knowing so many are suffering.
Have you ever looked to the list that seems endless to the symptoms of anxiety? you should because its here and its real and it is not to make others feel as though they need to feel ashamed and suffer alone, or even worse take their lives due to the over bearing emotions you feel you may never escape. Its easy to understand going through your whole life hearing of stories but not being able to identify and shrug it off as someone wanting to seek attention, or figment of their imagination but never say that cannot happen to you and understand even though not been in that persons shoes it is a problem rising all over this world, it is a health issue, it is debilitating and all that on its own is enough for a person to bare along with feeling will be hackled or shunned upon or looked at differently or weak, that is just a few to name as a person suffers the issues that keep them secluded from the life they cannot live, that they feel cannot be lived along with not having support that they need due to not wanting to be shamed coming out and seeking help.
Again I fall a victim to the shame and embarrassment of what others may say as I once again had to deal with this issue anxiety as it invaded my little girls life. I cry in knowing as a person who so closely aware of the sickness felt so ashamed to come out and see it in my girl, I seen the signs, the symptoms and kept telling myself "no way it can't be happening to her she is so young, what will other people think?, will they see me as a bad mom?, will they shun upon her and feel as though this is a weakness in a young child that really is not an issue to be dealt with"? As I struggled knowing she to was in that world alone I stood strong knowing so deeply of the issue that I stood strong for her and reached for her hand as well as help that was needed knowing deeply in my heart that my little girl will not ever feel alone or different for what she was going through, that no matter what she was strong and the person she has always been, that this was a cross road in our life we would get through yet again.
So I say to everyone anxiety is REAL it is a health issue it an issue in so many lives. So next time you feel its all just "in your head illusion" or seeking out for attention kind of thing in someone IT IS NOT, it is real and it may be the person you are sitting next to or the person you walk past on the street. Anxiety leaves a person feeling alone, so lets not keep them there in a world in shadows of darkness and helpless, lets reach out and grab their hands knowing for every heart we touch many more will be reached.
For me a couple of signs to look for, someone who withdraws all of a sudden from their life activities, simple things that they once use to do that you see no longer, a change in personality, these two signs are the strongest in a person dealing with anxiety because it is so debilitating to you that things so small of what you use to do is something that you feel can never do again in fear of the symptoms that come with out warning at any time no matter where ever you are. Like simply going out on the porch of your home, getting the paper, smiling, that person you once saw no longer seen is a question you need to ask yourself "is that person ok?" ask yourself what or why you no longer see them doing what they have done every day before now.
I to this day still thrive in understanding I am not any less of a person I was before this and now as a mother look to my little girl to gain my strength to show her it is not a burden, it does not make us less than anything at all it is something we will walk through, get through together, it is not weakness it is strengthen us more and more as we pave our way. Sometimes I look to my little girl and cry yet at the same time I understand that this is not failure, this is something that will be faced and fought and shine a light so bright onto others that are in their own world alone in the dark to see the light and know it is nothing to feel ashamed of or as less of a person ever.
This now that I think of it is a reason I believe in so strongly now than before the word HELLO, saying hello to everyone you walk by to everyone you see, cause now I know so deeply within that everyone may be fighting a battle you know nothing of, that simple word hello is just something that seems so small but something so huge to everyone fighting their battles of life.
Parents do not look past the signs you feel in your gut are there simply because you are afraid or feel "how others will feel or see your child as" be the light your child needs and strength they need until they to can come into their own light. I say this with the strongest of knowledge when your gut tells you something is not right, do not ignore it, push it off or feel embarrassed of the situation deal with it head on right there right then. We are the love our child looks up to, if we ignore them what do we show them to be to others?. Anxiety does not discriminate against age. Anxiety is real and exists, in adults, elderly it is ageless and race less and it is serious.
My daughter and I share "our" now not as something to cry about but a scar that be bared to the world in knowing it is "ours' to bare and share the light because baring our scars is shinning bright for others. We now know "our" is not a sad story yet a story we strengthen every day and know is not an ending but a beginning to a chapter we will face together and continue to face together. Through good times and bad anxiety holds no barriers on you once you stand strong and look it in the eye along with casting sunshine onto others dark clouds.
Things that may feel so far away but help you suffering with anxiety, making yourself get out because once you are out that FEAR of anxiety fades and you look around to YES YOU CAN do it, that you are ok that nothing bad is happening to you, that you are not in danger, being outside is the most invigorating step towards fighting the fear of your anxiety that more and more done you in time see YES I can and YES I will, that it does not have to hold me captive, you still feel those symptoms but they lighten, the more you see you can the more you understand you are not a prisoner. Now you may say "YERA RIGHT" but something so little as well that is the greatest benefactor is BREATHING, deep breaths as you face your symptoms of fear slowly calm your whole being the more done the calm that comes within is a beauty of never before a conquer of all you thought could never feel again. Just know that this is not a forever situation, that it is not a forever part of your life, in time you will become stronger and move forward baby step at a time.
You are INCREDIBLE show the world truly what you are scars and all
