When your body gives you little hints that something is not right listen. It's amazing to me that your body knows you better than you think it would. I felt the little signs but as many went on full speed ahead believing that in life there is no time to stop now. I kept on plucking hard core, getting into more and more of my routine of working, working, sleeping, taking no time to realize my body was sending at the moment little hints that "hey you need to stop and breathe".
My life I was living felt like a constant battle, to me it was as though I was working hard, for the love of my daughter and being able to support us. However not realizing that my body and spirit was constantly feeling it was in that fight mode, battling to be the best I can, as my confidence quickly diminished to mistakes had, not then noticing all this chaos around me so completely intertwined in, just making it, making a living, working hard, never once listening to the bigger picture.
I understand that when mistakes are made on job that it is needed to be acknowledged but to constantly see that can really chop your confidence down to a point where you forgot that confident person you use to be was gone. It's easy perhaps for some but for me I take all in 110 percent more, my feelings are at its peak due to having that Intuitive Empath in me. It definitely was a shock I had not noticed the signs earlier than I had, than suffered a huge price when it was later that the sign from body was loud and fierce, to make me definitely get its signs it was signaling for a long time.
I sat at my seat one day feeling all of my senses just so heightened, thinking to myself "What is this that I am feeling and why am I stretching myself so far to the point where my health is second place to work". I was in complete shock sitting there stunned as I noticed just how sick my body was feeling, freaking out saying in my mind "nothing is more important than your health ever".
Than thought of my daughter had already lost her father, that I needed to take care of me to be able to be there for her. That is when I truly took to heart all this time of being in the do, do, do, mode that I never once stopped to feel those signals my body was so kindly trying to tell me. Than I realized nothing is more important than my health and mental state.
That is when I let out a huge exhale and kindly let go of what did not serve me or my body at that very moment. Feeling the intense heightened of my anxiety, my pains, feeling sick shook me to my core with fear to lead me to my Doctor. I was literally in a mode of thinking "how did it get this far"? Am I going to be OK"? I was literally in a moment where I felt all the life had been sucked out of me and that's putting it lightly. How did I let go of myself, the girl so full of life, confidence, happiness, laughter and love?.
That is truly when I started to panic thinking "will that person I was come back"? I sat impatiently and restless in The Doctor's office waiting her arrival. Nothing but in thought of pure panic wondering where am I going to go from here? It was a war going on in life and inside me, at that moment tears started to form, just as the tears started to form and sheer blank was in my eyes the Doctor entered looked at me and kid you not read me right away, stating "you look very stressed and you're going to cry" as she handed me a box of Kleenex.
I was in pure shock how bang, she knew it and she felt it. It was that moment the shock of my life would be said to me by the Doctor, "I am taking you off work because at this point I do not see this going in a good direction for you and your health". That is when I truly broke down realizing just how bad it was, how bad I let it get. Looking to the Doctor she smiled giving me a glimpse of light that although how bad it may be, it will be the best thing for myself and health. That no matter how tight money would be, that money as well is never more important than your health, mind, body and spirit. That day seemed to be my biggest fear but looking back was my blessing and beyond.
It was near Christmas not really the best of time however it is something I now look back on to see it was definitely what saved me, it brought back the me I was to me again, plus so much more to add to the me that was. I found my groundings, found out that I was not a failure, never will be. It brought me into the knowledge of the gifts gifted to me that never thought could ever be. It brought those gifts out front and forward, to come out, let it out and not be ashamed of the purpose in my life given to me. The three months by far were not easy, yet through it the light come through in those darkest of moments.
Truly now know that there is never anything that will keep me down, that I can not go through and still find that bright light waiting for me always. Never again will I ever let another take away the who of what I am. Never will I allow someone else define who I am no matter what it is at hand.
It is me that controls and defines who I am and others do not matter. These three months will never, ever be forgotten so much greatness has come from it out of the darkest places through it. The endless love support that surrounds me will never be forgotten, to know that will never be broken and forever lift you up when you can no longer walk on your own.
To be gifted with that huge support of love system is on it's own by far the best gift in life you could ever ask for. So yes I was taken off work by my Doctor, which startled me at first but it was her greatest blessing to me. These three months have been the biggest roller coaster, however it has strengthened me, it's defined where I know my limits are and never again will go beyond that.
Looking back I have to smile knowing that these three months were nothing I've endured before, losing my husband, hitting rock bottom, this time around I smiled knowing that it is all a learning and growth period, that I had the strength just as before to walk through it.
Don't get me wrong it has been painful, there were many days of gloom, tears and heartache, yet the good out weighed the dark. So now I definitely look to my future to whatever does not serve me in a positive way will never be more important than my well being. That as hard as it is to fear what it be like to leave what don't serve me, that the letting go is part of letting the better, new to come in.
Nothing will ever make me believe "I have to do this" "I have no choice but to be here, stay here" that if it is bringing my being down than it's time to change, drop it, move on and let that new to come in my life.
My Mantra now "Nothing is ever permanent, only Temporary if it does not serve you positively".
0 comments:
Post a Comment