Where were you the day the world stopped moving? I keep trying to find the words for this yet I always get choked up on finding the words. First I want to say that no matter who you are, in what ever profession that you do, we all have moments we feel broken, that in no way feeling that way discredits what you do, as well as who you are, that who you always have been.
In tears, standing, feeling yes “I’m still alive” but in a blink of an eye my life again was taken away. That moving forward again I will have to build anew, just as the same you once found yourself losing your part of your life as you lost the love of your life, that I’m scared most times, cry too much as I shake my own self to get it together, knowing like before I can do it again but I won’t ever stop grieving for the life I loved before this crazy pandemic happened.
I grieve as I would grieve for someone I lost because to me I lost myself, I lost what I loved that I build to after my husband passed away. At night I lay awake thinking “will I get sick, will my family or worse will my only child?” It takes my breath away gasping for the light through all of this. Nine years ago I worked hard to be the person I always knew I could be before the world stopped, yet again I feel as many others again, I am back to building new again to part of the person I lost the day the world was struck hardly with Corona Virus.
There’s got to be a way where I can find that person in me that was strong, that she’s still around and hope that soon she will show up, that not once ever that she got knocked down she stayed down. Like the time before, time is what it will take, to not get frustrated that some days you lay still in wonder, what will be of now, the unknown of it all is what gets in your head the most. With baby steps just like before you just make sure you keep moving.
I’m not going to hide anymore THAT YES I am having a hard time, that yes I’m not ok most days yet so grateful I get through each day and wake up for a new. Just know some people out there are not ok right now that claim to, seem, or say. That we all shed a part of us that we will never get back. I look forward to the many miracles I've seen like before building again but right now in this moment, that seems far away. I will not be condemned to feel the loss I feel because everyone lost a part of themselves since the day the pandemic crept into our lives.
For right now I’m not ashamed to say I’m not ok for most days, that I miss my life of how it was and will grieve a long time for it. It feels as though that person I loved to where I got to be is gone, the person I thought I could never be is gone? Not totally but half of, just as though the day I lost my husband I lost half of me, plans for our future, a love that I thought be for so much longer in the flesh. I had to let go of that life, just as today I let go of who part of me was when the world grieved the loss of so many and still does.
Really I know I’m still the same yet a whole lot of me was taken away that I worked so hard to get but I know building back you can build stronger, that who you are never really does leave, you just got to take time to put the pieces back together, let go of what pieces you no longer need. So again I say no right now I'M NOT OK. I've been down this road before, so right now I will take light in as I type this in the work I do from home helping others in crisis that need to talk and smile knowing I am helping others, that right now that is all I can take comfort in, to be grateful, feel rewarded in the pleasure knowing I'm in a position to help those in needs. That right now is my blessing in this dark time that lurks often too much around.
To feel grateful to have a home, to be healthy, yet the most of all to be a mother to a beautiful, precious daughter that forever keeps me on my toes, that often times shows me just how strong I am and wanting to definitely keep moving for her, for us. To never ever give up the good fight, seeing her makes me strive to be the person I want to see her be as she grows. So YES some days maybe more than some it's ok to say, to admit, NO I'M NOT OK. Grieve for you, grief has no time limit but with baby steps just keep moving forward. Wait for the change, all the miracles again yet you get to see as you build to the part of you, you lost.
To all that lost someone, my love, thoughts and prayers go to you all now and for a very long time. To all the Essential Workers Thank you for keeping us safe, giving us hope and keeping this world going for us all.
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