Fairytales Are Real

The littlest of things bring the biggest in life together. My husband when we first met holding licorice the one littlest of things that brought us together.

A little story of my husband passed and I. How the real life fairytale love story started.

The trees were blooming, all of the children in the houses around were out playing enjoying the warm weather after a long cold winter that kept us all captive in the house where it was warm. Walking to work along the way my usual routine of ranting and raving were being thought of in my head, work was a must yet not something I was ever happy to be going to. It was in all of my days on my way to work I had the fight in my mind going on, wanting to be at home enjoying doing absolutely nothing. I think being in your twenties that is normal for most to want. It's as though your twenties bring out the "rebellion side of life" which sometimes never leaves us. It was on the beautiful days when the fight was even more stronger.

However on the way walking to work I managed to enjoy the warmth, birds, children playing, animals, commotion happening all around me, this was something that always made me smile while the struggle was going on inside me to not want to be at work. It was through the beauty around me that made that fight disappear. On this day I remember the warmth of the sun, the bright blue sky, the peace I felt from everything I was seeing around me. A house i'd walk by every day made me smile, imagining one day i'd be living there. A cute little white house that I felt so drawn to in every walk by I took on my way to work. Looking to the house made me smile every time. The little white house that I was so drawn to will have more reasoning once this story progresses more. It was a real life doll house that had all i've could of dreamed of for my dream home.



I was actually excited to be at work when I thought of the regular customer that visited every day, however I could not ever figure out why it was always for just a single piece of licorice was why he showed up every single day, I mean it wasn't as though our store had licorice that was different from the rest. My job was not a dream job however a job perfect for a twenty-two year old to start. Yet in that job brought me a bigger dream i've never could of imagined.

Getting ready to start my shift I knew there was no turning back now. I thought to myself "the man who buys licorice every day will be here today" that made me smile each and every time.

Stalking shelves, cleaning, counting, being in the cooler was all of my normal routine. Meeting new people is what made all the bad better.



While I was in the back sitting having a break I looked up on the monitor in front of me to see a customer, it was the licorice man, yet in that moment it was all too different than the times before. I felt something in me that never felt before as I looked at this man on the monitor. Getting up quickly I went out in to the store,as I got closer to him he smiled, smiling back trying to figure out this feeling I was feeling no words could come from me to speak, just staring, smiling looking like an idiot is what I did. As he talked there was nothing I could say, just the feeling in me I was trying to understand. Eventually through it I was able to at least say "hope you have a good night", horrified in thinking he probably thought how weird I was. The girl working with me laughed saying "something is up with you, it can't be you like him he's too old" I glanced at her laughed, walked away in thought of what it was that just happened.

Through out my shifts at work there was not one day that this man had missed, wondering still why it was he would come for a single licorice, sometimes two. Yes sometimes in life we could be so blinded in situations that are so obvious to everyone around. I went through each day wondering what it was I was feeling that I could not just put my finger on. Through each shift I got to know him more, laugh with him more, smile with him more, yet never thinking what was to come. Near where I worked was a cozy little coffee shop I liked to go to sometimes after work, to just sit and relax after a horrifying day at work as well as sometimes hard to deal with customers. One night as I walked there coming to the big glass window in a glance I could no longer feel my legs, in front of me sitting at a table was the man from work. In the gut of my stomach I felt a rush of warmth, it seemed i've been seeing this man more and more every where I went. Smiling as I got close to his table I sat down, not with him but across from him. Like he knew me forever he started to just talk to me. While sitting there I could feel that feeling, I noticed it never did go any where. Our conversation lasted for hours, all of me felt that in that moment is the only place I wanted to be. I could feel myself feel absolute comfort in being in his company, for me that was not a normal thing, being with others was sometimes a fight for me all on its own. Yet with him no struggle was desired.

After that night I took notice in our frequent running into one another, every where I looked he was there, not in the stalkerish kind of way, more in a natural, normal every day hustle bustle way. My regular places to go were where he was just never noticing before. Our talks were becoming something signifigent to me, seeing him was a routine in my life, something I actually enjoyed having to do.



One day at work was when it all changed for the man who we all knew as licorice man as well as I. Licorice man became Jean-Guy, I became Tonya to him. It was in a moment at work where both of us knew. It was as though in between that space of him and I there was a voice that spoke to both of our hearts at the exact same time. Looking to him I heard "this person in front of you is where the truest of love lays, the kind of love that never breaks". Call it what you will in that moment by the looks on both of our faces you just knew both of us felt the same thing.

Following that moment led to our first date, many phone calls, hours of non stop happiness. On our first date we stayed up all night until early morning, in that moment I recognized the feeling i've been feeling for so long, this time I knew what it was. It was in the dawn of morning looking at him I knew my heart was telling me something all along. "love at first sight" was not just a quote to me no longer. Although on our first date I knew this man I loved with all my heart there was still no way I could tell him nor understand how fast it happened.

Not really stressing about wondering if he felt the same was when I got my confirmation through a phone call speaking to him before hanging up I heard the words that in shock I was so ecstatic to hear, he said, "love you", now like taking a second glance I had to take a second hear, I laughed asking as if it was funny to hear "did you just say love you?", he laughed to tell me "yes I did, I love you". The smile on my face from that day on was never removed. It's hard to explain but in this relationship there was not one thing I had to fight with, nothing was out of my reach, everything just was, everything happened as natural as it should. Where we struggled with the thoughts of others due to the age difference not even broke us away. Everything was as though exactly how it was meant to be. Our first kiss, our first everything was more than I ever could of pictured. On the day of his birthday I remember meeting his family for the first time, not one person questioned our age difference, that's when I truly knew that true love is not a force to be ever recogned with. Three short months went by, not wanting to spend time apart we moved in together. Not once thinking it was too fast, just jumping both feet in is what we did. Soon after walking passed that cute little white house I walked by on my way to work, I seen what it felt like winning the lotto to me a "for sale" sign up. It was immediately after we found ourselves viewing the home, after all the ifs, ands, maybes, we soon moved in to that little white house that I had always felt so drawn to. I remember many moments of feeling as high as the clouds, feeling content, feeling right there in that moment is all i've ever dreamed of since a little girl. Being with him was as natural as it was to breathe, being so all in love no words could ever describe. Feeling on top of the world every day was how we felt together. Yes it was not all perfect, yet even in the bad our love quickly erased all the negative.



One afternoon after working I was excited to get home, to our home, it was my birthday I just wanted to be home. Walking home a little distance away I could see he was on the roof thinking to myself "what is he doing up there?", I quickly walked faster. Coming up to the house I could see he was laughing while watching me approach the house. As I looked up I could see in letters made out of shingles saying "Tonyas Castle", now for some this may be little yet to me meant more to me than ever, my heart felt complete love, in those words I felt is what explained all of how I felt in the life I was living. That home was my castle and he was my prince that rescued me from all horrific things.

NOTE TO ALL: To be continued.....through out my blog posts i'll be continuing in stories of our life. Moments that my heart will always feel along with keep in a safe place. It was in all of our moments of life together that now today is a treasure to my soul. It is in our story that proves to all that true real love fairytales are true.

Through the remembering lays pieces of our "happy thoughts" that remind us that the life we lived made us happy, blissful, joyful, not pain,sadness, tears. As I move forward it is in these moments I smile knowing the love we shared never gets put to rest. Having my husband passed in my life has made me realise I am the person he has always seen me as. His unconditional love awakened my heart to my life, to who I really was as well as what I could do. It was in our love I gained all I needed to love who I am completely.

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Confession: Not Good Enough For My Dreams

Let your love be your guide, it brings you to where your most needed

Often times when I look around to see the fast pace of lives living, I think to myself in frustration "when will it be for me", to discover in the whisper telling me "that is their own time not yours, let go to let it be when the time is yours". Even though this reminder is always there, there are still many moments of great frustration knowing that now is the time I am ready, yet in those bursts of disappointment it is only deflecting what waits for us in its own time. The further we struggle with comparing ourselves with others, the further our purpose gets away from our reach.

Of course there are many moments I think to myself "why can't it be me?", why can't it be now?", yet for us all I think it's pretty natural to look to others wondering when our time will be?. It is in the questioning the frustration we don't realise just where we are now, that each of us carry a purpose that will be used in its own time, that within that purpose is where we will live our goals, dreams, love. Comparing in frustration is not helping the purpose you were born with, it is only prolonging the use of it to live it out in the world to help others.

Seeing others living their dreams while your nourishing yours to be born surely can take a toll on your mind. I do believe it is normal to feel you may be doing something wrong, that maybe it will never be. Through it all we need to realise that we all are different, we carry our own specialized purpose in life, that not all find the way to it right away. To stress, put yourself down, feel horrible of what you do as well as think any of the negative is what shuts you down from getting closer to what ever you seek.



Confession: Sometimes when I see so many in the bliss of their dreams I feel as though I am less than a person than they are due to them getting there so much, so quickly. As fastly as I feel bad I understand that just as blissful as they are that even now I to can be. To take pride in this very moment of all that I have right now in this life I live. Understanding that the dreams I hold don't just happen over night, to smile in knowing soon enough all the hard work will pay off. That something of great signifigence doesn't just happen over night. My heart will always embrace the happiness of others, it is in that moment of truly being happy for others is where your own purposes are being nourished to grow, to blossom one day.

Just now I sat here looking around feeling a little sad of how things are going so slow for me I had an AHA WHISPER, it said, "do not feel any less of where you are, what you are doing, the time of others is not your own, let it go, to let it be in your own time", that, "patience is the food to the purposes you bare". Then as soon as my light had turned back on I grabbed for my journal as well as pencil to write this. It's amazing that if you truly listen you will hear the story your life is trying to tell you. That was proven just now as I sat thinking of how hard it has been. To truly hear those pieces of advice to you it is a must to want to hear it. Don't feel bad for having feelings of negativity, feel better that you did not give in to it, that as soon as you felt it you shifted to the positive, you felt the happiness in you for the others reaching their purpose.

To be grateful for where you are now brings you in to the where you need to be, to be grateful on a higher level. See the ALL of what you have now to notice so many things are around of accomplishments. Take notice in what you have this very moment to know someone else out there may be feeling the way you are due to where you are right now. Your achievements may be bigger to others that are trying to make it through their own life. See others with compassion, help others build their own life up, through it you as well will rise higher along side of it all. Seek positive, to let go the negative that lurks over your shoulder. Be full of love with those around you that are living their dreams. To yearn for others accomplishments is to hold yourself captive of your own.



Truly love out in to the world to smile, to just be all there is what your own purposes are wanting to have, to build on to that to your own. All of us are here to be the lights of our own show, to shine that light no matter where you are in your life will show others in their darkness that their light to is just as bright as what they see from you. Feeling down, feeling bad, feeling sorry for you will only keep you in a prison away from all that you can be. So look to the people around you to understand we are all here to shine, not no one person brighter than another, we are all here with a different purpose, in those purposes is the time to be nourished that in its time it is stronger than ever to conquer all that it's needed to. The purpose we carry unfolds in the time it is strongest enough to be used to its fullest. All of our purposes are a great impact to this world, to make this world a better place.

Look around to smile in knowing each of us is here to make the love in us all stronger. Look to strangers to see they to are here for a purpose that means something to the life we live. Seeing the spark in someone elses eyes is the spark that could turn on so many other sparks in others.

Jealousy is dressed up in disquise to take a hold of all you want in life. To notice it right away is to unchain the chains around you. Being true to who you are unlocks the chains that try to lock up all of your purposes. Feeling sorry for you only leaves you in the behind of what you dream of. Find a true place in your heart to look outwards with all the love you hold from with in. Hold tight to all of what you dreamed of. Let others around you see that you are truly there for them, to help them in times of despair, take pride to be with those living their dreams, through it all the dreams in you will grow becoming stronger waiting for the day to flourish in to all of what you need to live your purpose.



That's where we all lose our focus, we believe that not all of us are here to live out our life the way we always dreamed of. That all the happiness of life may not be what we deserve. It's in those thoughts you need to listen to what your life is trying to tell you. In all of the negative that voice for us gets softer and softer. Breaking the negative whispers makes that voice louder to be heard. To open our hearts is where we let in all of how our life should be seen. It's not about what she/he did, what she/he has, it's about being there through it all being happy for what they are going through. To be love in the purest form is what it is about. Finding room in your heart for others, even if a stranger. Helping others build their foundation, seeing the beauty in all you see is all what feeds your purpose of all the strength it needs.

As a parent we give our all to help our children grow, we be who we want to see them grow to be, is all the same to our purposes needs from us as well. Our purpose is in a way our child, we need to be all of how we want our purpose to be. So as raising a child, our purpose to just don't grow over night. In us all is a love that can reach the ends of the world, use that love to help others grow their purpose , it is in us all to make this world the place it is destined to be. All of our purposes magnifyes off of us on to the world to help the world grow to its fullest of purpose, just as we are doing to grow our own. It's not about me, me, me, it's about us, us, us, in this world. It is not alone we make this world, it is in us all that the world becomes a better place, reaches its purpose in our lives. Once all the competition of higher need is left behind is truly when we will shine the brightest we were meant to. In us all lays a piece of the world becoming the way we all ever dreamed it would be. Our purpose leads us to that puzzle that will come together in the time it needs to be. Find it in your heart to see the love you were born with, in that purest of form is miracles waiting to happen. Sit down to take time to listen to the whisper your life needs you to hear.

Don't look to others in negative ways, negaitive thoughts, those negative ways reflects off them back to your own life leaving you a prisoner from where you need to be. Look to your life to the blessings you have already received, knowing that where you are could very well be a place others are feeling bad because they are not. Running around in the vicious cycle of stress will never break until you break it for yourself. It's not about being good enough, all of us here will always be good enough for what lays ahead of us past the doors to all of our dreams. Just because some make it there faster means nothing to your own. Seeing them there only proves to you that one day you to shall be there. Know in your heart that in your own time it all will be, yet in the mean time help others stand taller, wrap others in love to lift higher when they can't on their own. See the beauty in others dreams coming true knowing that one day it will be for your dreams as well.



NOTE TO ALL: Being in all the negative thoughts is holding yourself prisoner to getting through the doors that are open, feeling your not worthy drounds out the purpose you carry. In this prison you hold the keys to set yourself free, if only you listen to what is all around you, to be in the quiet is where you find the answers you need. Free the negative to let in all the positive you hold inside. See others with nothing but love, once you let the love in everything else falls into your arms. Don't let a closed door keep you from where you want to be sometimes we have to be strong enough to open the doors ourselves. Use the love you hold to lighten others around you. Take the love you hold out into the world to show others that love is what conquers all. Bless others with your smile, let them know they to are of signifigence to the world around us. Be the truest of person you are meant to be. Listen to the advice all around you, take in all of what you hear. Build your life but don't forget about those that are building around you.

Just most of all be happy for where you are now, not where you think your suppose to be. Our purpose is in us all to bloom in its own time. Be the parent to your purpose so in time it will be all of what you have visioned for so long. Seeing others succeed around you is their own time, not yours. Do not let what others may think of you defeat who you really are, hope in your heart that one day they to can let go of the negative that holds them hostage from all they ever could of wanted. It's not in others validations where you need to wait, it is your time, your purpose, it's not in others your purpose grows. To feel sorry for your life you have been given is to throw away a precious gem never to be found.

A short story that made me see the strength in us all, to feel the purpose we carry grow. A very close family member has been in great pain for almost three months, a broken heart. The man she knew I was very close to, I could see in her eyes she loved him as much as she told me. After many, many, many nights of tears as well as wanting to leave this world and almost losing her my heart ached for a solution to mend her heart. So just this past weekend I dragged her out in to the night looking at all familiar places he would be, to find him standing there in one was as though I had won the jack pot. To pull these two together to truly find their love I felt my heart beam, I felt my purpose grow, I felt my light shine a little brighter that is when you are truly at your fullest showing the world that yes you are there, that yes you can be love, that yes you are willing to be all you need to be. You show all of you that yes you are ready to conquer what ever it is that lays ahead. Seeing her pain turn into bliss awakened my life, my heart, my all even more than before. It shined so bright that there is no doubt I will be where I need to get to soon enough.

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Dreams Of Love

Dreams are where our loved ones let us know is a place we will always visit, that even though not here in the flesh in our dreams is where we can be with them.

It was the other night that had reminded me just as yesterday today our hearts feel your absence. It was on this night you reminded me the spot you once took up is no longer there. As a parent there is a time in life where all of you breaks knowing some things are out of our grip to fix, not one thing we could do to make things how they once were. On this night it was a reminder just how vulnerable you can be, not only as a person as a parent as well. It was a night that proved to my every being that our hearts never stop missing the love that we share.

Our children often bring to our eyes things never seen. In all their pureness they enlighten our hearts to open to the world how it should be seen. They allow lessons for us to be learned, even being so young, yet so wise to things in life that we neglect to see. It's in our children that so many of lessons could be taught to us even with all the knowledge we carry. My daughter is forever opening my heart to just how life should be seen. Each day she brings new visions on things that never would of thought of. It is in the purest form through her eyes every situation is seen. Children could teach the hardest of people to find their softer side in life.

Through the years of grieving it was all of everything I had in me to be the strength I needed to make sure our little girl would make it through this the best possible way. That's just it we so greatly want to protect our children we forget that sometimes things are out of our reach, that for their own journey it is for them to feel, to see, to grow. We often forget that even though they are so young their feelings are still as strong as we feel. It's in these feelings where we know we can't change. Their hearts are their own, the impact on their own hearts is not a place we can get to, we may have the words of comfort as well as love yet the feelings they feel are theirs.



Through the grieving journey I neglected to understand that my daughter just as I will always be reminded of the love that she has lost. That even though I'm there giving her all the strength, love, support, she needs her heart will always remind her of the great love that she had. As us adults feel, children feel just the same. My daughters father was a great impact to her life, her heart, so it never will just not be felt. In every song, place, memory, her heart will always remind her she is so greatly loved. Fathers and daughters are a bond in this world that is of great signifigence.

Children may be smaller yet that don't mean they feel any less than we do as adults. The other night was a night in rememberence that we as parents can not heal, fix, make go away, we can love them, speak words of strength as well as love to them, be there for them, yet some things just can't be mended as fast as we wished it to be. This night made me see that the loss that I feel, that what I go through is not only felt by me, it is felt by the both of us. It was a night that broke all of me, to look to her to see in her eyes she to will forever feel the impact on the greatest love that is no longer here. It took everything I had in me to speak, yet it was in that moment I knew sometimes no words are needed just love. A reminder to let her know that the love she misses is still with her, around her, in her heart.

The grieving journey comes in many shapes, forms, ages, it is not felt by just the older, it is there to be felt by all. Grief does not shy away from even those that are so young. In it all it is through love you will find the way to hug that heart that aches. The wrath of grief will always linger, in good times and bad it will always be. Our children will always experience those moments as we do. Through our love it will be comforted, through our light their's to will be put on. Through every moments in life there will always be the reminder of the greatest love we lost. It is our hearts that will always reflect the life we once had. Use the wisdom you hold to wrap around other's in their times of despair. The little things we use to help our times of heartache can be shed on to those in their moments of great sadness. Together the love that you share will always shine brighter than the darkness that lingers over. Through this all it was love that brought my daughter and I through the darkness to the light. Through me she to can turn on her own light, that in all the bad moments in her life she will always be the brighter light.



So the other night at 4:00am I was awakened by the cry of my little girl. Through her tears she looked to me in complete sadness to tell me she had a dream of her daddy, that when she woke up he was not there any more. Having that dream made her miss him, once she realised when she woke he was gone. I could feel all of her hurt, just as I have in many moments of grief. At first none of me could respond, that's when I found out that sometimes it's ok to let your children see your tears, that no words are to be needed. That in that moment it is through the tears as well as love is all our hearts needed to feel. Through the tears the love finds a way to mend the tears that fall. On this night was a lesson to my heart, that sometimes it's ok to let your children know you to feel how they feel, that you to miss who they are missing, that how they feel is ok, to know to take each moment as it comes, that as parents there are some things we can't control nor make go away. It's in the vulnerable you find the purest of love that always over powers the pain, the darkness, the tears.

So at 4:30 in the morning together we put on our own lights, we got up, bundled up as warm as can be, wrote a letter to her daddy, tied it to a balloon, went out into the cold night in the back yard to let go of all our love, our missing him, our hurt, we both together let go of the note attached to the balloon and watched it rise in to the clouds as long as we could until we could not see it no more. In that letter was a piece of our heart, our pain released into the sky to the heart of our true love where ever he may be. As I watched the balloon I looked to my daughter to see a smile, in that moment was a hug to her heart, it was a release of something materialistic yet also it was a release to her pain that night. It is through the simple gestures full of great love that truly work, that truly touch your heart to let it know "yes it will be ok" that "yes another moment of pain has been defeated".

For every moment that comes our way I know together with love we will conquer that darkness, that even though it may linger our lights will always make it disappear. Our hearts will forever have moments of great pain yet through that pain we will find what we need to let it go. Dreams are for us to spend time with those no longer here, in those dreams we get to be how it was before. It's in the waking up we need to find our way back to our light. To be able to take that pain and put it at ease. Through the path of grieving there are going to be many moments that surface, things that will flicker that loss you bare yet through it all you find the ways to understand it is just your heart reminding you of the sweet memories it holds, that the truest of love will remain. On this night my heart broke, yet through love each and every time it breaks the love will carefully put it back together, piece by piece. That no matter what it is ok to cry, to miss, yet to move forward in building the foundation of the life you are living. Through our children many of lessons are to be learned, through their eyes our heart opens. To not neglect the fact that just because their little doesn't mean they feel little. That with them by your side anything you face is possible to get past. With your love they to can over come it all.



My daughter is a huge reminder that with her there is not anything we can not do. That with our love everything will be brighter. Through my daughter I see the life we've always were meant to live. That the purest of love we were blessed with will always be with us. Each day we carry our loved one passed with us in the smiles we have, the love that we feel. It is in us we have part of our loved ones passed that keep them forever in our lives.

NOTE TO ALL: In dreams we use that time to visit those we miss, it is a gift to us to share with them. Through the pain there is always a way to release it in to the universe. The impact of the love you loss will forever remind you it is never gone. Our children will always feel, no matter how small or how big, they to feel just how we feel. Love will always be there to turn on your light, pain is never to be carried, to be felt but let go, in the littlest gestures lays a big hug to your pain. It's about gaining strength in one another, seeing things through an open heart. Finding a way to see life through our childs eyes.

Grief will always be yet the pain don't have to be. Through the gestures of love the pain can be released, pain is our plat form that we need to use to lift us higher. My daughter is my reminder that love is the purest of all that we all hold in us. Through love our light brightens, through love we seek our light, in our times of despair love will turn on our lights for us. As someone I know says "there is not anythig the Ouimet girls can not do, the Ouimet girls are a role model of great strength".



In the earliest of days the bond was already there, the purest of love had come in to our life that not even death could take that away from us.

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Poem for Jean Guy on Valentines

I never thought I would be here left alone with out you.  Each part of my body remembers you.

My eyes only saw you in a room full of people. The world seemed exist of only you and I.

My nose smells your scent every where I go.

My lips miss your sweet kisses you gave so generously each as well as every day.

My ears hear your soft voice, your " I love yous" that you so freely spoke of, every chance you had.

My heart holds onto our true love, it is a place to hold a memorial to you forever.

My hands wonder where the touch of love has gone, the electric feeling of your skin is no longer with in reach.

My arms that always felt the hugs of your love along with warm embrace you gave every second you had the chance.

My belly remembers the beautiful baby girl we made of pure true love, the baby boy that we thought of we never had.

My legs remember all the times being wrapped around your warm body lost in a world that felt exist of me with you.

My feet, that walked as one with yours leaving foot prints in the sand, with memories that true love walked that way.

My soul well this is where I can finally smile, my soul one day will lead to yours, to proclaim our true love that we started here on earth.

True love is like a umbilical cord, except it never gets severed, it will always tie me to you. True love does not ever die with death, it is something that lives on for an eternity.

NOTE TO SELF: I will always remember him, grieving never truly leaves me. I only learn to ease the pain. There will always be moments through my life that I will miss him, it is all due to the fact his life meant so much to me. Remembering him keeps his love alive forever. Missing him shows me that he will never be forgotten.

 

 





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I saw You

My husband, in others I see him to remind me our love is every where.

Not to long ago there was a moment in time I thought would never be. It was a moment not ever thought of nor thought would ever have to face. Isn't it funny the most out of this world things that you thought could never be, one day proves to you "oh yes it can". These moments leave you standing in what feels is a dream, the words try to surface, yet nothing comes out. "Always expect the unexpected" is what I constantly remind myself from that day forward.

In all the moments that take you by surprise it is those moments we become more aware of the fact that anything is possible in life, that in those moments all of our belief is shifted, some moments for the best, some for the bad, yet in all of those moments is a blessing to our growth, to the journey of life we go through. On this particular day the moment that happened was bitter sweet, maybe to others it will sound little but to those that grieve it would be something huge. It always amazes me how in life the things never thought of always makes an appearence in reminder of letting you know it can happen, that not anything is impossible to happen. Picking out the sweet from the bitter sweet, that is what I took with me from that day forward, that in life there is not anything that is impossible, that not anything is off limits to happen in your life to help you grow as much as you can, to blossom in to all you need to be.

Grieving is a special gift we bare, in grieving we are brought to so many of changes that soon we come so accustomed to change that nothing is something we fear. We get the new slate to create our life over, to build a life in a new glorifying, beautiful way we ever could of thought of before. The second time around allows us to grow in the knowledge of all of our dreams, to build our life into those exact dreams we have had for so long. Once the pain, darkness have dropped it is replaced by dreams, love, fearlessness. Although in grieving there are things you feel ten times more then you had before. It's as though your feelings, emotions, love, all expload in to an explosive, more vibrant way then before. So sometimes to us that grieve the feeling we feel lasts more then to others that don't. All this could be for the better, as well as the worse. For me on this day it was for both but mostly a lesson was found in it no matter how hard it was.



All lessons to us are lessons that are there for a reason, thing's don't happen for no reason, it's not about bad luck, good luck, it's about being able to grow to the measures we need to for our soul, for our life story we live. It is in it all we learn to become the best person we can be, to find our purpose in lessons that come our way.

I still find it funny to think of all the things that have happened in knowing that these moments are built specifically for my journey, that maybe it hasn't happened to others for that reason, in all my moments they were a lesson for me, so others moments in life could never be the same due to all of us being different with each our very own purpose. Moments in your life were purposely designed to fit you, for you. So through the hardest of moments it is up to us all to unwrap to find out, to understand fully why we have been chosen for the moments that come our way. From the bad to the good, even in the bad there is a light that waits for you to find.

Grieving is the most unknown journey i've ever been on. Through it you will see so many twists and turns, yet it is in the learning you find the way to make it in the brief straight paths you go down. Grieving becomes a stepping stone you use to making steps higher and higher in life, that you soon discover it has taken you even higher then where you were before. In it all you find yourself in a place you have never before been, in that place you see it is a place you've always imagined you wanted to be. Take the time to understand in each moment your given why you have been presented with the moment. Use the moments to lift you higher, let them be your stair way to a level growing you higher and higher each time. Don't see moments for good nor bad, see them as platforms to lift you higher then where you were before.



So in my moment it was a regular normal day to me, it was a birthday celebration, so family as well as friends were all around, it was a wonderful day, we gathered at a restaurant to celebrate my step fathers birthday. We sat around chatting, laughing, having good times. As I looked acrossed the table I could see my aunts face, it was though it turned to a sheet of nothing but white, in her expression you could see something was wrong, I remember asking her yet it was let go in all the commotion. As I looked around the restaurant watching others enjoying, I came across a table where I immediately had to keep taking a second look. In every second glance I could feel a feeling of nothing but tingles from head to toe. Quickly I looked back to my aunt where she knew I had just seen what she did earlier not wanting to tell me. All of me felt that there was nothing more I wanted to do but look at this man at the table behind us. Understanding it is not polite to stare, yet in that moment it was not to be applied. Seeing this mans face was a comfort to my heart, it was all I wanted to do. If I could stay to watch him for the rest of the night I would of. This man was a twin to my husband passed. After the comforting sensation wore off a little, then came the sadness, trying to not let others know what was happening, they soon found out. Everyone was now looking, this poor man probably felt the world was out for him on that day. Getting away is what I had to do, it was in the bathroom looking in the mirror I understood that in these moments you can either let yourself take steps back or use it to move forward, to understand that anything in life is possible, knowing through it all we come to realise we can make it through, no matter what presents itself to us, in us all is the will to move forward through it, learning, growing, blossoming.

On this day I saw my husband passed, although I knew it was not him, that no one will ever be him, no one could be him there is only one of us all. Seeing this man was a comfort to my heart, it was as though on that day my husband passed was letting me know that no matter how much I miss him, to not to, that he is every where. That every where I am he will be, our love will be forever, our love along with memories will always be around every where that I go.

Another thing I started to understand was not to look for him in others, that there will never be another like him. No matter how much the resemblance it will still never be him. The looks may be there but his heart will never be.



After the story of this day, it was others that told me they to seen my husband passed in another, all little reminders that my husband passed is every where, every where my heart goes, every where our love made an impression. Our love made an impact in this world, so it will be every where I look I will always see him. Remebering this day now it brings a smile to my face, remembering my aunt as well as mother wanting to take a picture of this man, laughing in realising how this poor man must of been wondering "what the hell was going on", to thinking "these people are crazy". I remember how all of me just wanted to jump in his lap, to just wanting to stay and stare. All of the remembering reminds me the complete comfort my heart felt seeing my husband passed in a complete stranger.

NOTE TO ALL: In all that is brought to our life it is up to us how we face it. It is in us all no matter what to rise above all lessons given to our life, to use the lessons as a stair case leading us higher and higher in to the life we choose to build up. Use the lessons to lift you higher, use it all to reach so far beyond the clouds. Understand that anything is reachable, you just have to build in that direction. Find it in you to rise to every occasion, to keep getting back up, to understand that sometimes it takes a little bit more time getting back up yet as long as you keep getting back up is what matters the most. Each step up is a step of strength, each step up is a dream come true. The higher you build the closer you are to all the dreams that you have. It's in the moments we find out truly who we are. It's where we find our strength, our love, our beautiful life. It's in it all we find out just where we want to be. We find out in the little moments are where the biggest of lessons are learned. Celebrate the little to the big because in it all is a victory of your life your building in achievement to your dreams, your goals, your purpose.

In the crowd of those that truly love you there is not anything you can not handle. To bless yourself to be with those that love you the truest is what will always conquer the darkness you face. It was on that day I was surrounded by complete love that carried me through the moment of such great impact to my heart. Your heart will always let you know those who love you honestly.

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Sorry All

Tonight I accidently deleted my new post I posted called "I Saw You" will be re typing and posting again.  Huge frustration so early in the morning.

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Remembering memories with love not pain

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. – Kahlil Gibran

 

On our wedding day I knew our future would not be long, yet our true love would last forever.

In the beginning of my grief I can remember the unbearable pain as soon as a memory of our life came into my mind, the pain took out all the life in me to just remember.  Your left in thought of overloading questions of why this happened?, what am I going to do now with out them?, how will I ever be able to think of our love if it takes the breath out of me leaving me lifeless?, to feeling I don't want to think of the memories due to wanting to have more of it with him/her with me but now he/her is gone.

The pain of memories come back flooding your whole being leaving you feel helpless, yet in those moments of memories the pain forces us to lose touch of any positive thoughts to over come the pain, it leaves all of you in the dark, it takes a hold of you so strongly that your heart automatically feels the strong grip of pain, fears, hopelessness.  Really no words can ever explain the wrath it has on all of you, yet all of you just feels alone, you see no one, feel no one, the world is though it exists of only you, your pain, your loss.  It feels as though your on an island all alone, no one around, the sun never shines, your tears fall yet no one can save you, no one knows how to, no one even knows where you are.  All of us is so consumed in pain that all of our being is held hostage to the strong grip of pain, fear,  darkness.  It's easy to see why we at first just let go, we take that vacation alone, we all know we are never alone yet at first we need to take that trip alone. 

It is as though in this time we start to find out just how much strength we hold in us.  We use this time to explore rock bottom to see there is absolutely no where else to go, we understand that either we stay under water to give up, or we build all of us back up to the level of life.  Once you see with your own eyes there is no more further down to go, we see proof that it is true, "Once you hit rock bottom there is no where else to go but up".  In this time around we build so strongly back up to life that we understand the foundation is all up to us to re build stronger then it has ever been.  Things that never before were seen are found this time around.  Our life takes on a whole new look, our hearts start finding more room from the pain that took up too much of the space.  Little moments by little moments we are rebuilding our life with out even realising.  In those little breaks we think clearly to understand what we thought would never end, actually does.

In the moment wherever you will be all of you suddenly stops to take notice that your mind has let go of the pain that goes with the memories you thought of, you take notice in the moment you are actually thinking of something other than the loss of your loved one passed, it is in those little moments that soon enough it becomes longer, to me it is as though it is a tiny vacation for you as well as your heart.  It is in those breaks you start to understand "yes it does let up", the more it happens the more you start letting in the light.  In those brief moments is when you then can start to understand the memories of your loved one passed is not about pain, it is the thoughts that make you shine from within all the way across the ends of the world.  That is when you must take a hold of the feeling of love, that it is that love that you have felt once upon a time when your loved one passed was here with you, so why let the pain take that away?.  Every memory with your loved one passed is the path you need to follow to find all of your light, to find your hope, to find your dreams, to find doors that are open waiting for you to walk through.

Understanding in the beginning those memories are meant to be left far away from our thoughts as possible due to wanting it all to be the way it once was.  In time the beginning moves forward in silence to a place where you will see a break happen, a gift to your heart, as well as soul.  The title wave needs to come to shore just as the pain as well calmly leaving your whole being in a calm, feeling the pain free break, even if just for a little.  These breaks are a blessing to your heart, it is in those moments you can see that it does ease up, you can think clearly, that you are still you.

The memories we have start to become our treasures, our strength.  Once we start taking notice to the memories to see the pain no longer controls us nor our memories we start to understand that it is in us to keep pushing through it all, it is in the remembering the memories we find are our "happy thoughts" the thoughts we use to defeat the darkness, the pain we thought would never leave.  Those memories become the grip we take back on our mind, body, heart, soul.

In the remembering, I remember so many moments to use as my light once the darkness creeps around.  Remembering at night as I sat up in bed watching my husband passed and our little girl sleeping thinking to myself "this bed seems so small yet in this queen size bed is everything I have ever wanted in my life", remebering how every night as my daughter snuck in between leaving me to the edge of our bed it was all I ever needed in my life, that right there was my world, my life.  Also remembering all the endless nights my husband passed and I would lay awake laughing as well as talking until early morning not to even take notice in the time, nor that it was already morning.  I remember the beach, a place we would go to just to relax, to just be in that moment.  The many road trips lookin for horses for my daughter to see, she loves them so much, for us seeing her face brighten up like the sun made us smile, proud, grateful.  The memories of us are all around, they are never ending.  Don't fear you will ever forget, our love will never let us.

It is in all of these most sacred moments you will find your blessings in the now life you slowly re build.  In these memories your loved ones passed stay with you, never leaving your side.  In it all you will find the way to the bright light within you, you will find you again, you will find it is the memories that become a force so much stronger than anything you have to face.

All of your memories will prove to your heart that anything in life that you do is doable, you will find new dreams, new hope, new belief.  You will start seeing a brighter, vivid joyful side of life you have been missing for so long, it will be as though everything will just look so much brighter.  In you you will feel a feeling that no words can ever explain.  All these little breaks start to become longer, bigger, lasting breaks.  Once you feel that there is not anything you feel you can not do.  Find your memories, in those memories lays little pieces of your strength.  These memories soon become what you use to fight out the darkness and pain, soon enough with out thought you fought out the darkness so much all you see is light, love,  peace.

All of the life you once had soon becomes a treasure we let lay in our hearts.  We soon realise that the pain is not what our loved ones passed has blessed us with, it was pure true love, that alone is what conquers all the pain as well as darkness.

In building anew the life that we re build becomes a forever shinning bright light that not anyone can't see.  The light within shines brighter, the life we start living becomes unbreakable, our belief never fades, dreams become so real we conquer them all little by little.  Through it all we know in our hearts that everything we ever dreamed of is all right there down the path we walk along side our memories of the life we had before this.

NOTE TO ALL:  The path we walk may seem dark yet as we move forward we put on our shades to see the light getting brighter then the sun on a hot day in summer, we start to see those around  having to start putting on their own as well when ever we are near.  Memories = your powerful strength to use against any darkness or horrific pain.  Memories become our dream catchers.  It was the other day going through our things looking for something I came across our wedding pictures that was when I understood just how powerful our memories really are to our life we live now.  Sure at first I was struck with uncontrolable tears but quicker then the tears I smiled in knowing on that day I married the man that blessed my life with absolute true love.  It was on that day he made one of my dreams come true.

From the bad to the greatest of memories it was in them all you were sulking in nothing more then pure true love.  What I take with me through the toughest of my days are the words my husband passed would always tell me "I just want you to be happy".  The moment that brought me back up from rock bottom was remembering the very first time my husband and I saw one another, there was something in between us telling us both "this person you see in front of you is where your truest of love lays, a gift to you both that not everyone will find, a love that goes beyond this life you live". 

In honor of my husband passed I light the three candles in this picture above, the light of the candles always remind me of the light I hold within that may flicker from time to time yet never go out or be put out.  The light of the candles are always a reminder to my heart that our love will forever shine, to take my light out into the world to show others in grieving pain that they to can turn back on their own light.  That no matter what their light will always shine.  The love from our loved ones passed combines with ours to shine brighter then ever before, It is to be seen at the ends of the world and back.

 



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