Conversation with your life

DEDICATED TO:  JANET AUTY-CARLISLE

 

It is funny how you never see what it is you are doing until you take the time to notice what it is that you have been doing for so long yet never realised until you took the time to see it, to slow down and find what it was.  perhaps sometimes it will be in an others voice that makes you realise it, sometimes its the little whispers that become louder and louder to you as well as your heart.  I do remember hearing from my husband passed how sometimes I was too serious, that sometimes I am always in too much of a hurry, he always disliked feeling rushed, now today his life lesson I see clearly why.

It wasn't until the other day that I have noticed just what it is that is so special to our life, something so simple that we all never stop to think of, to truly understand it as well as the meaning to it.  Talking to someone so special and so full of wisdom,  Janet Auty-Carlisle on the phone is what made me actually sit down to understand just how important it is for us all to do. 

 "Take time to just be in the now"  were the words I heard that struck me hard.  

It was then I noticed that through my life for so long I have not ever took notice to this.  For me it was always get it done, do this, what about tomorrow, what about an hour from now, never ever taking into consideration that its not about all that, it is about NOW, it is about what is happening NOW, its about taking time to understand and just be all here in this moment.  Thanks to Janet I found a piece of me in the NOW.  A little piece that has been hiding for far too long.

It is not about getting things done, rushing to get as much as you can done that lays your happiness, nor feeling accomplished.  No matter how fast you are in life it will never fast forward your life to erase the pain,  nor get you where you need to be any faster. As I walked this path of grieving it was all of me that truly believed to just make it through the day as fast as I could so it would be another day closer to feeling like me again, now as I sit her typing I know it is in the moment you find the little pieces of you that have been hiding in the pain.  It is in the NOW you find your life trying to speak to your heart telling you all the beautiful things that are happening that you miss if your moving so fast in life.  Its in the rush we lose those little blessings that were there all along just not noticed due to being NOT IN THE PRESENT.

So much of us believe the more you can get done the more accomplished you can feel, the more proud of yourself you will feel, for some it may be to just get through the day to say that you have made it through in hopes to feeling better faster.  It is not knowing that through the hustle and bustle we lose the little miracles of our life that we never noticed because we were moving so fast to get to some where we thought would be better, that we thought would be closer to feeling our dreams were closer.  I truly can not express to you what it was that I have took notice in due to just letting go of the FAST and truly taking in THE NOW, taking in this very moment, to not worry about a second from now, an hour from now, a day from now.  This weekend has truly been a AHA MOMENT of a life time.

For all of us that grieve it is in the rush we lose track of all the little pieces of stitching's to your heart mending.  When you rush to get through the day you miss the little healing that try to speak to your heart as well as soul.  Even for those that not grieve you miss out on the words being spoken to you, to your life, to your heart.  As I slowed down to be present this weekend my heart found bliss, my smile was more present along with laughter through out every second that I was all present.  As I took the time to just be here I took notice in so many things, I took notice in people and their love, I took notice in just enjoying their company, to be able to laugh, to feel so at peace, now as I say at peace I mean so much, to feel at peace with those I never thought I could of, to just feel happy, to feel a part of me that has been gone for so long.  In your pain as well as rushing you lose track of what it is, that what it was that meant so much to you before, you lose track to the pieces that are mended that have been all along just not realised in the rush.

This weekend was a huge AHA EYE OPENER of peace, joy as well as bliss to my heart, to my life.  It is in the rushing you miss all of your signs to your life, you miss the signs to your heart that want you to know that yes you are getting better, you lose touch with the fact that you are getting you back, little by little the signs are all there trying to show your heart,  yet in the rush they always go unseen.  Do not rush for so long that what you so long for becomes too long to notice because it is in the noticing your heart will beam, your life will rise higher then ever before.  I was moving so fast that all these little blessings to my life were unknown, the blessings of becoming myself again were there for too long that now as I am here in the moment I am finally capturing.  In those moments of blessings you take notice of is truly a feeling that words will never be able to explain. 

When you think of little to some you may think little, yet it is not in the word that you must take notice in, it is the feeling you feel of the blessing once you have realised it.  Babies to this world are a miracle, yet they to are little.  So it is in the little that the biggest of feelings take place, it is in that little that changes your life that you could of never thought of.  So little to me no longer fits the word,  yet it is all the little that brings that bigger then life blessing to you.  Take the time to see your healing's that are trying to speak to you, be here in this very second to breath, to take it all in even if it is something simple because it is being in the now truly where you will find the bigger then life moments, lessons, bliss as well as joy.

This passed weekend I noticed myself so relaxed I dosed off, that to others may sound like not a big deal,  yet to me it was a huge deal,  that I felt so relaxed along with falling asleep with out hesitation because for so long now I have never been able to do that.  For so long now I've been wrapped in so much that feeling so relaxed on its own is a big thing for me, for my heart, but on top of it falling asleep is even bigger to me due to sleeping being not easy for me to do at all.  I truly know now that being in this moment and no where else is truly a blessing to give to yourself, to give to your heart.  It is in the now you hear the stories your life is trying to tell you. Take the time to see your heart is mending, that little by little you start gaining you back.

NOTE TO ALL:  It is in the littlest of things that mean the biggest to you.  It is being here now along with present when you start hearing your life telling you your story.  It is in this moment you gain back your strength, joy, happiness.  Rushing is time wasted, time that is spent as though you are not able to see nor hear.  It is being all here your heart will beam your bright light that has been faded for too long due to rushing.

Be the presence you have always envisioned yourself to be, being in the now is the presence of your dream, through the now others will see your bright light, they will see your dreams, your love, your purpose.  BE PRESENT, BE NOW, BE HERE.

 

 



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It's in the unknown you find your aha blessings

So many of amazing blessings have happened over this passed weekend that yet again I sit her in awe in absolute shock how so much can just happen in an instant leaving you breath taken.  So this weekend was another life transforming moment to me in many ways from the good to the bad.  Of course as I spoke of many times it started with huge hesitation, "go?, don't go?, go?, don't go"?.  The fight in my mind lasted for quite some time until the actual day for leaving to Toronto came upon my door step.  Susan Knight is the kind of best friend my life could of ever asked for, to this day I do believe from the higher above she was placed in my life to prove to my life to step out of ALL my comfort zones.  She was put into my life to make me understand that being afraid is OK yet not let it take you prisoner.  She was my travelling buddy to Toronto this weekend to see Mastin Kipp on Super Soul Sunday preview party at House of Moments.

This I say so much due to knowing in my heart that so many times that we are faced with fear is all the more of the reasons you must conquer those fears to understand that in that fear is a piece of a blessing to your life that soon one day leads to the  bigger huge picture that has always been the dream in your mind thought of coming to be your reality.  It is in the fighting, kicking, the uncomfortable,  that once lifted you find more and more of your blessings waiting for you to see.  It is your struggles that lead you to many more doors that open up to find the pieces of your puzzle to the life you live, to the life you have envisioned for so long. 

This whole experience layed many blessings of lessons to my life that was needed to be put into place, sitting there listening to Super Soul Sunday as well as Mastin speaking to us proved to my heart a lesson that needed to be heard, needed to be seen.  In this moment I had realised in this life it is not about the stress of not getting where you want to be so fast, it is not about feeling you are not getting where you need to be fast enough, it is about being in the now, it is about the baby steps you need to be taking to be getting to your dream, it is about being present in the moment to enjoy what is around you, it is about being able to be in the now to see the little pieces of your puzzle coming to you to lead you to that one huger then life moment you have always dreamt of.  It is the anticipation, the excitement, the happiness you feel in this moment building towards your life time dream. 

It is the struggles, the greatness, the blessings,  that you allow yourself to just be there to truly be all there, to take it all in that really is the dream of the dream happening, unfolding baby step by baby step.  The frustration an anger,  as well as feeling low due to not happening fast enough is what gets you off track losing sight of the bigger picture, it is within the low of your days that the lessons are there to teach you that patience is a need in the life you are building, that no dream happens over night, that it is all about taking the little pieces you need to build to the bigger picture is what is needed to be.  It is within the little the dream you dream is speaking to your heart to let you know it is OK, "I got you", but only in due time you will see the bigger picture.

The night before in our hotel room was another big AHA blessing to me, something that just had me awe struck the next day, it was something I always knew of yet never really could do.  I knew in my heart that through this grieving road I travel it was a must to my soul yet never understood how to feel it, how to get to it.  As we talked the girl talk and of course for too long we realised it was 2am that we were up way too long, that tomorrow we had to be up at 8am was when we said OK we need sleep.  The next day was the Super Soul Sunday Preview Party for Mastin Kipp.  Before going to sleep Susan had asked me about a "meditation CD", so of course I thought to myself if there is anything that can help me out to relax I wanted to try.  Laying in bed listening I could just feel all of me relax, it truly was a feeling that I haven't felt for so long, to know me you know how hard it is for me to be so far out of my comfort zone, to actually feel so relaxed put all of me in shock.  I could not believe that what I wanted to conquer for so long was actually happening to me proving it does exist, something I struggled with for so long was no longer.  As we woke up the next day I was in total shock to feel, to see, that this stayed with me, nothing but total at ease, to feel such relaxation through out my whole body was a feeling of a miracle to me.  To be able to feel such at peace is a feeling that nothing can describe and is a must for all those that grieve.

After taking pictures as well as many hugs to all OwnAmbassadors which was another huge blessing to the soul, we heard that due to being so grateful we all were invited to the SociaLight Conference the same day in Toronto.  I could not believe the gracious offer, although I was not too sure what to expect I knew it was where I was meant to go.  Looking to Susan we both agreed to just do it, to go and find out what it would be like.  It is in the unknown that we find the blessings that have been missing for too long.  It is the unknown that you realise a piece of the puzzle to your life.  So many things have presented itself to me that as I type this I feel just so amazed as well as grateful, it proves to my heart that it all is leading to my one big picture, my dream.

For me everything was always so fast, everything was always so fast paced, I was living in a rush to get away from the pain, to move fast in hopes to fast forward to the dream I have dreamt for so long.  It is in the now I understand that it is not about rushing, it is not about always wondering about the days a head that my life blessings lay, it is in THE NOW, THE HERE, THIS MOMENT, where I capture the beauty, the lessons, the gift of the pieces of my dream that are all around, it is in the baby steps you carry your strength to becoming stronger to your dream.  It is in this I find a great moment of advice I can take with me to use to help others that are grieving.  To be in the moment, to feel it, to take the time to just feel it, because in these moments is where you need to be, where you need to cherish, it is in the end moments of our loved ones passed we need to feel, we need to just be all there, the rushing to fast forward is where you lose those precious moments.  To be all there in every second to take in those last moments of memories. 

Now to talk about another life changing moment to me on this beautiful day, was the moment at the SociaLight Conference sitting next to Susan.  A lot of me wanted to not be there I fought with Susan to go but she was determined to get me to just give it all a chance and how my heart is so very grateful we did.  As I looked to Susan with those eyes of despair I felt myself just let go to hear the beautiful voice that was speaking to my soul, Agapi Stassinopoulos I looked to her quickly to see what bright, loving, beautiful soul she was, that not even hearing her your heart could feel it.  That is in the moment the fight had stopped, the fight to want to not be there, that is when I noticed she was talking to my dream, she was talking to my heart.  This is where a blessing to my dream had taken place, her words struck an ever lasting memory in me that will never be forgotten.  As she spoke I could feel her, I just knew that in this she would be confronting me.  Now in this moment was when I let go of the fear of my dream, the fear to speak of my dream, the fear of getting it out there, it was my fear I have held on to for so long due to being looked at as something that is not possible, although in my heart it is my purpose,  it is what I want in my life, it is my purpose I need to follow in this life, how could I keep my dream a secret?, it is meant to be done, it is meant to use in this world, to be of service to others that grieve, to be able to lift the pain in all that grieve so they can find their joy.

As Agapi spoke I just knew she was heading for me because I could see her making eye contact with me a lot through her speaking.  All of me was terrified thinking 

"what if she does approach me and I have to say it out loud"?.  

Sure enough as I was thinking of all this I could hear her say ``and this beautiful lady what is it you want"?, what is it that you dream?, that is when the most beautifulest of things happened that could of never been before.  

This is when all of me stopped hiding from my purpose to let it out in a room full of many people.  It was the moment I spoke my truth out loud.  That was when I took notice to the pain that was there for so long that was no longer how it was, in that moment I had realised I was no longer afraid that the pain no longer had a hold of me, that I could talk freely of my husband passed with out getting choked up with eyes full of tears.  

That was the moment this beautiful gift to our world had gotten me to say out loud what it is I knew in my heart was my purpose to this world.  To answer her question I told my story, I told everyone my dream, to be here to help those that grieve, to be a Grief Coach, to let the world know that grieving is not something to be so hush hush about.  

As I looked to Agapi she smiled looked to all the other people and asked "well who here in this room has lost someone close to them"?.  When I turned to see my whole body felt a rush in noticing that 95% of that room had their hands in the air.  That is when my heart just knew that what I am doing is exactly what I am suppose to be doing, in all those hands layed a piece of my dream coming together. 

In that room I got confirmation that there are so many that are in this pain of grief that no one really is brave enough to say it, that in fear they feel they are alone, that grieving is a topic that others don`t want to hear of, so those grieving keep to themselves and feel truly alone.  That is when I realised my gift to this world is what I was meant to do, my purpose to this world is to show unconditional love to all those that grieve, to those that are afraid of grief, it is within all of me that I had realised that this is my gift to the world. 

It is through this whole weekend that I have had many pieces to my dream present itself to me, the lessons, the blessings, if I had made the decision to just stay home this all would of never been.  It is in fear you have to step up to look it in the eyes to struggle the big struggle to win to receive all pieces as well of blessings you need to move forward closer to your dream baby steps at a time.

After being home I had another hurdle to accomplish, I had to let go of the fear of writing a book out there, I had to set it free and not worry of the fear that was keeping me a prisoner, I had to open my heart to release it to others not worrying of what would be.  "The Grieving Path To Joy" intro to how it become was sent out into the world, that to was a moment that proved to my heart it was meant to be.  The response that was given was a joy of delight to my dream.

NOTE TO ALL:  Mastin Kipp, Agapi, SociaLight I thank you so much for making this a life lesson to my dream, to my soul.  OwnAmbassadors thank you always for being the bright lights that you are.  Michael Lawrence thank you for always being there for me as well as believing in me.  For everyone out there it is your dream, it is your purpose to be afraid of it is wasting precious time in this world you live.   Be here in this moment, rushing through life is a loss to your life,  to your dream.  It is in the little baby steps that one day becomes the bigger picture, the dream that you have always seen yet in a bigger way that you could of never imagined.  BE HERE, BE NOW.

 



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When in doubt know it's your fear clouding your judgement

 

 

So this passed weekend I was presented with another one of those days, you know the kind where the outside world is non existent to you, the kind of day that too many of us deal with.  Waking up I found on this day a little afraid to open my eyes yet in my heart I knew it was a new day for me, a day to be grateful for having yet another chance to this life we live.  After waking up doing my routine wake up things I do, I received a phone call.  Looking at my phone I noticed it was my Mother in Law, we still are very close to my husband passed family,  I smiled knowing who it was to answer it.

Our daughter holds a very special place in these peoples life, looking to her I do believe they see a lot of my husband passed in her, I know in some ways being around her helps comfort their pain in a lot of ways.  Our daughter is definitely her fathers twin, which to me I take deep comfort in as well, looking to her is as if a piece of him is always with us.  So after answering I was asked if Hailey and I would go celebrate the Father in Laws 87th  Birthday with them all, that they wanted to see us, that it has been a while,  that they missed us.

Now as I have spoke of in a post before those exact same feelings came around, of course I wanted to go, yet the darkness tried to take over, the darkness tried fooling my brightness for life yet again.  I feared of many things, "what if being there would make me feel bad?", "what if I am there to start feeling bad?", to just feeling I wanted to not do anything today, I wanted to stay safe in my home to not deal with the outside world.  This is where we all need to stop to understand our lives are worth so much more then being a prisoner in our own life, to finding ways to always justify it, this is where we learn our light is so much brighter then the darkness that tries to invade our light.  To all I say this,  fight the feelings away, use all of you to understand this is not anything but fear, it is within us all to over power those thoughts, take a step back, deep breath, tell yourself it is ok to feel like this yet at same time it will not take over you, understand in your heart the fears are never stronger then you, you have all of the power to push through to ignore it all.

Finding the one true motivation to your heart will take a hold of any fears that linger within you in an instant.  For me it was looking to my daughter knowing I want to be the role model that she will be as she grows into a beautiful young lady.  Keeping that close to my heart as well as in my mind is the motivator of all, that is the fuel to anything being accomplished in all I do.  Her father was a man that would go to the end of the world for her, with her, so that I take with me along with being the role model I want to see her be to use to fight any fight that has been given to me. 

This is where I understand that through anything you do in life that is a struggle lays a big part of accomplishment, dreams, bliss, that through your struggles you gain a piece of your dream.  It has never let me down proving to me over and over again that it is there, that in your struggles is a lesson to your heart, mind as well as soul.  Every time that we decide to beat the darkness the light we carry becomes stronger and stronger to us, to others, to the world.  Yet through each struggle I forget this in the end it reminds my heart that it will always be.

We don't have struggles just for no reason, in these struggles are valuable pieces of the brighter light to our souls, we have struggles for our hearts to be enlightened, we have struggles to give lessons to our heart.  It is how you deal with those struggles is how it reflects on your life, to conquer the struggles brings in the joy to set free the pain you bear.

We all need to understand that defeating your struggles brings a feeling like no other, we start to understand it is beating the struggles that leaves a bit of the pain with it, that soon enough through all of the struggles our heart mends to feel lighter of all the pain.  As hard as it may all be the light you carry is much more stronger then the darkness that lurks behind.   

So last week in my struggle I defeated I found my heart was mended in knowing it was accepting the Christmas season approaching.  Last week was a week of absolute joy to my heart as it took notice that the pain was no longer strong, it also proved to my life what it was I would be doing, grief coaching, grief counselling, to opening my own Organization for all that grieve, to making people understand that those that grieve are not unapproachable,  to writing a book "The Grieving Path To Joy".

This week as I forced all of me to get out to get ready, to get my daughter ready to go to the party it was in that moment of being there I took another gift to my heart with me as we left at the end of it all.  It was in the moments of being there I noticed just how at peace I felt, it was a feeling I felt that is what made me understand that being there comforted my heart knowing through all of his family was his love, through them all was a piece of our life there. 

I seen them all look to my daughter as her father once did, the proudness, full of bright love bigger then this world.  It was through that I understood that my husband passed love never ever will leave us, that through everyone who touched his life was his love looking back at us at all times.  I have never felt such peace as I did that whole night I was with them all.  Feeling that feeling spoke to all of me knowing that I can still feel like that, that my husband passed was there to remind my heart that it never left me, that this is the way I am suppose to feel, to not be afraid, to not fear anything in this life that presents itself to me. 

NOTE TO ALL :  Take the time to breath, step back, then use all of you to move forward to push away the darkness.  Know in your heart that you have exactly what you need in you to conquer the fears that lurk all around, that you as a person have a reason in this life, that reason is your dream waiting to be fulfilled.  Our loved ones passed will always be there through the end of struggles to touch our hearts to remind us.  Just know you have the strength, the fears, darkness, negative,  never ever is there to defeat you, it is through that you see your pieces of life coming together, the struggle reveals to you your lessons, your dreams, your joy.  Even if through it you notice it is taking time, that is ok just keep your mind set to push through it all.  Most of all defeating those struggles releases a bit of your pain each as well as every time.

 



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Healing Surprises

The other day was the normal typical day, errands to run, many things to do yet inside of me I felt I just wanted to stay wrapped up,  comfy,  under the covers.  Like many we all just want to stay in to relax and just be.  For me it took all of me to motivate myself to get going, for me going out is sometimes harder for me then your typical person.  Some days I feel it takes all of me to push myself out that door.  For some I am sure you can relate.  Sometimes we get so caught up in wanting the quiet comfort of our home that going out is not something that strikes us to be intriguing, not all days but on some,  it is usually the some days it happens.

Not remembering that I had called in for an order for some things for my daughter for Christmas I received a call letting me know my parcels were in, that's when I remembered "ah yes I remember that now".  That right then was when I felt "really?, I don't want to go out, maybe I will do it tomorrow".  Then as always I had the fight within my head "yes do it you need to, don't be a procrastinator, just get out and do it to get it done, after all it is for my little girl". 

So fighting the feeling I kicked myself to get ready to just do it, suck it up and just do it, on these days I am sure you all know the feeling where it just takes all of you to get out to do what you don't want.  In grieving I do know that some days your heart is just not ready for the outside world, that some days you just want your comfort of home, to just stay within your limits.  Yet each time you get yourself to get out there you claim more and more of your strength, you understand after that your so very grateful you did do it, that even though as hard as it was to do your so happy that you did.  It's about pushing yourself to see in the end "oh yes I can do it, I can get out to see that it does make me feel better".  It is all just a matter of getting to where you need to be, once your there your heart beams so much joy, all of you is thankful you did do it, that you did fight to get out there.

Almost every time that you fight the big fight you will see that you win, that through it you will also find great rewards to you, to your life.  It is in the struggle we find our strength, we find that it is within us to win over all the negative we feel.  It is always easy to just let go, to let the stronger emotion take over, yet it is the fight that you want to have because in that fight our greatest rewards hide in.  For me it was something so simple yet in my mind it was a huge struggle to get to.  Not even realising what the biggest reward would be, not even thinking that through the struggle would be a huge blessing to me, to my heart, to my mind.  It is within these blessings that surprise us so quickly that life just kicked it up a notch so much more, it is in our hearts we feel pure joy, it is in our whole body we feel absolute happiness.

It amazes me just how life is, that within something not even thought of that it is something to surprise us out of the blue, something not even thought of, not even considered.  It is with in those surprises that touch our hearts deeply to help us understand, to make us smile to feel such over joying bliss.  So on this day I was not liking it at all, I was fussing along with ranting and raving I had to be out when I didn't want to that soon after it turned into my bright light to another piece of my puzzle coming together.  It was a AHA EXPERIENCE.  I am very sure all grieving know of this feeling, in the little moments when you recognise in little things the pain no longer is there.

Like the stitching in the heart above, it is little by little our hearts mend, yet through the things we do we actually feel it mending, we feel the warmth of things back in our hearts, stitch by stitch we feel it is different, the little stitches stitching out the pain.  Then we stop to pause to think of what it was that just happened to find our self in awe how surprisingly it has crept up on us.  These moments to me are priceless, they are the moments I truly feel so blessed.

So many are too caught up in the thought things will never get better that they forget that things ALWAYS GET BETTER, that when they do they get better it is even better then it ever was. 

I was saying just the other day that a little something I have noticed was on each month I don't constantly worry like I use to of the day my husband passed away, I don't dwell on it coming, it comes as well as goes yet the pain is not there like it was before.  This to me was something huge, it was proof to my eyes that my heart was on its way to a mends.

It is really when we relax from all the hurt we see all the little things that are no longer, if we keep our minds in the pain we will never see the little to big progress that we have made.  Once we start to take notice our hearts beam, our light shines brighter.  That is how we take the darkness to brightness, we beam in our accomplishments to understand "yes I can do this".

So just the other day when I fought so hard to do what I had to do I remember walking in the store to feel a feeling that I have never felt in so long.  I remember feeling the happiness, the beauty, the love, that I once have so long ago.  It was in that moment I understood that Christmas was being embraced by me, by my heart.  I noticed I could think of it to not feel such horrendous pain as I have before.  In those seconds I was in awe, I took it all in to smile as big as the sky to notice that my heart was yet again just a little more mended.  That the opening was yet a little bit smaller.  The feeling like no other to feel what I felt is something I will always remember.  It is as though my heart was being hugged from my husband passed.

NOTE TO ALL:  So it may take a life time yet our hearts stitch by stitch will get better, that little by little our heart feels better, that through the pain we have to stop to see the little things our hearts feel for the better.  It is through the feeling of great bliss our hearts are telling us yes you are getting better, that we will make it through.  Through it all we take huge pride in knowing that these feelings of greatness still do remain, that they never really left, that the pain is the shield of keeping it away.

 



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