The other day was the normal typical day, errands to run, many things to do yet inside of me I felt I just wanted to stay wrapped up, comfy, under the covers. Like many we all just want to stay in to relax and just be. For me it took all of me to motivate myself to get going, for me going out is sometimes harder for me then your typical person. Some days I feel it takes all of me to push myself out that door. For some I am sure you can relate. Sometimes we get so caught up in wanting the quiet comfort of our home that going out is not something that strikes us to be intriguing, not all days but on some, it is usually the some days it happens.
Not remembering that I had called in for an order for some things for my daughter for Christmas I received a call letting me know my parcels were in, that's when I remembered "ah yes I remember that now". That right then was when I felt "really?, I don't want to go out, maybe I will do it tomorrow". Then as always I had the fight within my head "yes do it you need to, don't be a procrastinator, just get out and do it to get it done, after all it is for my little girl".
So fighting the feeling I kicked myself to get ready to just do it, suck it up and just do it, on these days I am sure you all know the feeling where it just takes all of you to get out to do what you don't want. In grieving I do know that some days your heart is just not ready for the outside world, that some days you just want your comfort of home, to just stay within your limits. Yet each time you get yourself to get out there you claim more and more of your strength, you understand after that your so very grateful you did do it, that even though as hard as it was to do your so happy that you did. It's about pushing yourself to see in the end "oh yes I can do it, I can get out to see that it does make me feel better". It is all just a matter of getting to where you need to be, once your there your heart beams so much joy, all of you is thankful you did do it, that you did fight to get out there.
Almost every time that you fight the big fight you will see that you win, that through it you will also find great rewards to you, to your life. It is in the struggle we find our strength, we find that it is within us to win over all the negative we feel. It is always easy to just let go, to let the stronger emotion take over, yet it is the fight that you want to have because in that fight our greatest rewards hide in. For me it was something so simple yet in my mind it was a huge struggle to get to. Not even realising what the biggest reward would be, not even thinking that through the struggle would be a huge blessing to me, to my heart, to my mind. It is within these blessings that surprise us so quickly that life just kicked it up a notch so much more, it is in our hearts we feel pure joy, it is in our whole body we feel absolute happiness.
It amazes me just how life is, that within something not even thought of that it is something to surprise us out of the blue, something not even thought of, not even considered. It is with in those surprises that touch our hearts deeply to help us understand, to make us smile to feel such over joying bliss. So on this day I was not liking it at all, I was fussing along with ranting and raving I had to be out when I didn't want to that soon after it turned into my bright light to another piece of my puzzle coming together. It was a AHA EXPERIENCE. I am very sure all grieving know of this feeling, in the little moments when you recognise in little things the pain no longer is there.
Like the stitching in the heart above, it is little by little our hearts mend, yet through the things we do we actually feel it mending, we feel the warmth of things back in our hearts, stitch by stitch we feel it is different, the little stitches stitching out the pain. Then we stop to pause to think of what it was that just happened to find our self in awe how surprisingly it has crept up on us. These moments to me are priceless, they are the moments I truly feel so blessed.
So many are too caught up in the thought things will never get better that they forget that things ALWAYS GET BETTER, that when they do they get better it is even better then it ever was.
I was saying just the other day that a little something I have noticed was on each month I don't constantly worry like I use to of the day my husband passed away, I don't dwell on it coming, it comes as well as goes yet the pain is not there like it was before. This to me was something huge, it was proof to my eyes that my heart was on its way to a mends.
It is really when we relax from all the hurt we see all the little things that are no longer, if we keep our minds in the pain we will never see the little to big progress that we have made. Once we start to take notice our hearts beam, our light shines brighter. That is how we take the darkness to brightness, we beam in our accomplishments to understand "yes I can do this".
So just the other day when I fought so hard to do what I had to do I remember walking in the store to feel a feeling that I have never felt in so long. I remember feeling the happiness, the beauty, the love, that I once have so long ago. It was in that moment I understood that Christmas was being embraced by me, by my heart. I noticed I could think of it to not feel such horrendous pain as I have before. In those seconds I was in awe, I took it all in to smile as big as the sky to notice that my heart was yet again just a little more mended. That the opening was yet a little bit smaller. The feeling like no other to feel what I felt is something I will always remember. It is as though my heart was being hugged from my husband passed.
NOTE TO ALL: So it may take a life time yet our hearts stitch by stitch will get better, that little by little our heart feels better, that through the pain we have to stop to see the little things our hearts feel for the better. It is through the feeling of great bliss our hearts are telling us yes you are getting better, that we will make it through. Through it all we take huge pride in knowing that these feelings of greatness still do remain, that they never really left, that the pain is the shield of keeping it away.
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