When I look at your face I can’t help to wonder the face I
looked to for so long is not the one I look to now. When I look into your eyes I stop to wonder
of the life that I have lost, that everything has changed, all our dreams and
future is not what lays in the person I look to now. When I look to your lips while you speak, it
is not of the voice I am familiar with hearing.
Maybe when I am around you it reminds me of the different, the new, and the
loss of the man that I thought would always be around, that in me I have to
have the strength to allow the new. When
you make me smile it quickly erases in knowing another can make me smile in
fear of knowing that it is not you on the other end of that smile making me
smile. Spending time with you yet
feeling the urge to be spending time alone in regret that you were the only one
I thought I’d ever have to spend my time with.
This man is not who in my heart I thought I’d be with, this man is not
you, it is of the notion of moving on but feeling if I do part of me will let
what special love we had would be let go.
Too many of ideas and memories surround my all that it is very hard to
stop, put on the breaks and understand to be here in the now not to the past of
once was us.
When I feel all of my heart caring for another it takes the
breath out of me knowing that it always should have been you, to ever have to
be with another was not part of the deal.
Two steps forward, two steps back, it’s like a never ending dance with a
stranger wondering where that man that was taken away from this life is? Why I now that I am standing with anew? This could be a battle of the greatest all
on its own to looking to another but not seeing the man you thought you’d spend
the rest of your life with not looking back at you. Caring for someone you thought would never be
of a different person can make you want to lock yourself up forever in the pain
that invades the old of that life you still want so very bad, wanting the man
you lost so very badly but knowing it will never be. Trying to be happy with a new face, a new
heart, a new life, all of that is as though all of you shatter into the life
you miss so very deeply in your heart mind and soul.
Even when your heart is ready it will always look to the new
face that looks back to you making you wonder why is it not the face you
thought be there forever?. It is one of
the greatest challenges to our heart to conquer the feelings of why? How? Wondering
how do I move forward making a new life with someone who is a stranger to the
life I thought would never change? Many
times being with another has totally made all of me feel sick, sick in knowing
this is not the man I am supposed to be with, this is not the future I’m supposed
to be building to with a man that is not the one I lost. There is many moments of struggles that go on in
all of me that it is a shock that I do not even know how this new man in front
of me cannot see it, or feel it, or even that I simply just run away. Some may never feel the need to even try to
be with someone new, to know of the struggles that go on all around it is not
of a shock to me that so many feel the need to just be free and build to a new
life with simply loving who they are alone.
However in it all it is making it through the struggles that
invade your every thought is where you will find the moments of being
comfortable, knowing it is a new face yet moments of surprise surround in
feeling nothing but comfort, I mean if we truly don’t try and truly gather our
power of love how will we ever understand in our hearts that it is not letting
go of the greatest love of all that it is actually building to a new love, a
love of a different way. If we continue
to let the struggles invade our smiles, our happiness how we will ever know our
heart is letting us know when we are ready.
Our love ones passed would never want our heart to shut down; to shut
down to love is to shut down to life.
When I look to the face of this new man looking to me I see
a new, I understand it is not of the same as before to know in it is all of the
new, like the new life that I build to after losing the old life, to know that
nothing will ever replace that life and the greatest of love it was showered
with. I look to the new face to see in
his eyes to see that my heart knows it’s on a path to building something new,
that my smile never got lost nor went away, my heart understands in comfort
that this is a man that carries his own, not of the same as once was, that in
his own way he will be the one I share my new with, that in his own way
possibly one day my heart will love, that the piece of the love I lost is still
there but loving in a different way of the new life we create, to understand
this man is his own person not looking for what it was I lost. The dark, the struggles, the pain, the all to
being close to another after losing that love of your life is unbearable yet in
that keeping pushing through the unbearable you will find your comfort if this
is the man that is truly meant to carry you through to the new life you are
building.
Many times I feel my all just wanting to fight kicking and
screaming to the old life that is no longer yet through it the silence comes
and I see clearly to this man near me deep into his eyes and know in that
second that yes, yes it is possible to care for another again, that it does not
mean you let go or forget the life of great significance you lost, that you are
building up to a new life to be happy again with another, all of it is new, you
love for the person they are, you smile because it is them that made you smile
again, no person in this life was ever meant to never love at all, if you’re
not loving you’re not living. Sometimes
as we move on it may not be the right one for us but that is no reason to ever
feel in your heart that it is over, that because you lost that greatest love of
your life you’re doomed to ever find love of someone again. It just means that you have not found your
fit with another yet, that in time you will see your heart will care for the
stranger that looks back at you. So many
times I wished I could see that sweet face looking back at me but know in my
heart that he will always be with me in my heart, in the empty space in between
and everywhere that I go.
How can you say that the stranger you look to so close to
you making you smile again is not the man sent to you especially for you from
your loved one passed? They know you
deserve to be happy and they know you like a book to know what exactly fits to
your life and the new you build.
Sometimes I want to scream in knowing just how much unconditional love
we shared is of the past, that the all of what I lost will never be again but I
smile in knowing that the man that is in my path makes me smile, that in a split
of a second I feel comfort, I feel peace, so how is in that have any bad in it? How is it in that all that this could be
something not of worth to embrace instead of run away?
As I look to the eyes of the man before me I recognise that
yes this is new, this is change, that in its own way it can build to a new love,
a different love, but to know it’s not letting go of the greatest love that once
was but lost. I look into his eyes to
smile knowing in this moment my heart is letting me know it is ready without the
fighting you have to let that go to hear your heart telling you when it is
ready. Even if that love you feel is not
both sided it is of the greatest feeling in the world to know your heart is
letting you know it is time, that you are ready, that you can see another without
wanting to see what once was. The man
that I found truly that I was ready to embrace being with another does not even
know how I feel yet I do not even stress in wondering how it is he feels for the
simple fact that this man woke my heart up, this man a man not who I wanted to be
with in this life has made me smile, he’s given more than I could ever of known
if not open to the idea that loving again is possible, to give up is to give up
on the greatest of life of all LOVE. It’s
funny knowing of all the times that have been tried but falling down that each
and every time I knew the day to love again would happen when my heart was
ready and through this different face I’ve found my answer.
There were so many of times that I always would wish once I
open my eyes it be the man I was meant to be with would be there looking back
at me that in it all without knowing that was what my problem was, not being
ready, not wanting to share the heart space, to now knowing in all of my
falling downs it is time, that it is possible, that not in your own time things
happen but in your hearts time. Yes of
course there will be moments I want to see my husband passed sweet face looking
back at me, wanting to feel that unconditional love we share, feeling the safe,
peace, comfort feeling I always felt with him, yet know in my heart it will be
all again but in its different way, in our new different way. The new will always be never of the same but
will be of smiles, comfort, safe, and love but in our own new way. You can love that person in their own way of
who they are and for the fact that your heart has let you understand yes you
are ready, yes it is about time.
Being with a new after losing your world takes time and understanding
it will never be the same but to accept the difference an acknowledge you are
smiling again, your laughing again, you are not feeling all of you wants to run
from the person you stand with, that in all of you it feels right, it is
different but it feels right. There are
no arguments going on in you, the silence is just is.
My husband passed has definitely blessed the path of finding
a new because he has raised the bar of letting my heart know what it is I
deserve and the best is what it is and nothing less. So if of anything but the less crosses my
path than in my whole being I will know this is not who it is I am meant to be
with. My husband passed has love onto me
with such unconditional love to never expect less than that is a blessing. It is because of him I smile in knowing the
importance I am to this life, to this world and to whoever comes to be part of
my life. However to the man that does
not know I will face my fear to tell but if it is not the best for me and not
meant to be it is ok because deep in my heart has been taught a lesson that I
AM ready, I can love, I AM ready to move to that part of my next chapter,
either way it is a blessing to my all to know my heart in silence and of
surprise is ready to accept another.
NOTE TO ALL: Do not
get frustrated in the fact of trying to find another and it is not the right
one, smile in knowing your heart has blessed you with the freeness of being able
to love another again, knowing that person you will love in their own way, that
in the new it will be your very own life you both build together that has
nothing to do with the past that you lost.
Know that in time the fit will be just right around the corner to
complete your puzzle with the exact fit your heart has been looking for. This person will have to bare big shoulders
in knowing that the life you lost on occasions will bring you tough days to
know he is not in competition but blessed that your heart has opened to even
accept another. If it’s the fit than it
will just be and it will just flow and the new of your life will begin
together. In the meantime take time in
noticing your smile, your laugh, the feeling of peace and breathe in knowing it
can be again. Mr. Blue eyes of my life
don’t know it but I’m coming for him, and oh how freeing it feels to know love
can happen again to the hopeless that wanders in you all for far too long, it too
shall pass in time that it is meant to pass.
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