Old Life to New Life

So the life of grief suddenly creeps up to you in life yet once again, yet you see through it, you look it straight in the eyes to know that yet again I have come face to face with grief yet again in life, I'd like to say "hello old friend" yet that hello is yet again is painful to want to greet.  It is a heartache of old scars that have healed yet broken open saddened by the thoughts of the day you to were in that very place, holding on to all of what you known has gone.  The life you knew of  would no longer be the same life you built to on this very day as your heart shatters saying good bye, not knowing yet that through it you will find your new life to build over again in the most powerful, beautiful ways unthought of in the present of not ever wanting to let go of the life you have had and loved for so long.

This time of year particularly reminds all beautiful souls out there just of every memory, love, memory of those that no longer are here to share these special times with.  I say always "although not in the flesh they all are always with us, by our side to give us that push of love and signs to know that they may not be seen but are truly with you in these moments that feel could break you.  The loved ones we have lost will never ever be forgotten nor leave us in our lives because their soul, their love, will always be a part of us and our lives that with each life left behind that lives on each day without them here in the flesh. 

When we cry, when we hurt, when we feel we can't go on, it is their love that gives us the power to keep making those steps through it all.  The echoes of their memories linger around in every place that we go, in every loving words of others we see.  It's always a little tricky to understand yet once you been there you see it, their lives gone, fight for the love of the loved ones that live on after them.  Fighting for you to see just how beautiful the new life you are about to make becomes. 

They by your side you see want nothing but the best of the best you deserve, so little by little and day by day they guide you to building and building and slowly able to see that your old life remains but the new that you make is a creation so strong, dreams of the biggest are fulfilled as you smile, thinking how can such beauty come from something so painful, quite simple the greatest of love you lost is the creator by your side helping you to build so strongly that it is all of what you thought you could never do, they unseen with a love that never leave help you find the best of all they know you deserve as you take your steps to the new not without them just unseen.

I remembered this, something that I haven't forgotten but not thought of for a while as I heard in the most beautiful song "you took my life with you" yes as your love leaves this world they do take away all of your life with them that you thought you would have forever, yet rising each and everyday surrounded by love,  they our angels help us build to a new, unbreakable, most breath taking new life, it is the love never severed that rises above and beyond for you to capture the miracles of life in the new that you sew.  It's as though they know more than anyone in our hearts and minds just how hard it is to let go that they take everything you ever once wanted to place it in the journey you walk away from unknown and wanting to not ever leave yet that old life will always carry with you no matter what new life that you create.

To see a love so strong, so powerful brought tears to my eyes as a family stood in the moment I felt I was in 7 years ago, yet I smiled knowing all the beauty, miracles, most powerful love along with signs of above they will see to show them "yes my loves you can take the steps to keep moving forward" that in it will always lay the unseen love that will forever be imbedded in the concrete you pour for the new life you walk to and create.  You may think your alone and hate this new life yet soon you will start to see this life as a baby just born, looking to all in the purest form.  So I write this today from deepest of my heart that as I looked grief in the eyes yet again the lessons and strength I have learned again through it that have been unthought of for quite some time.

In hopes that everyone out there will understand that yes we lose our old life, we shatter to pieces yet the love of your life always is there to put it all together knowing on a level so high of what you deserve builds it together with the deepest of unconditional love along side you every day to find the most beautiful miracles, dreams to come true, all of what you ever thought was impossible coming before you to real life, your new life. 

You see the most powerful of love is a force that never leaves, is a force to never beat, it is force that shall forever stay as you make it through the ups and downs and some days of feeling you can't go on.  It's a love that brings in so much you breathe forever everyday that will never be taken away.  You will smile in knowing just where and why that has happened, trust me smile to tears but happy tears knowing "they did that, their love did that".

In the death of their life is a re birth to your life guided only by the purest of life, to see life again of all you missed before, it opens you to the core to see just what powerful of a life you have had and just begun to make.

I dedicate this to the Kocsis Family ~ Our Family ~

R.I.P Uncle Brian Kocsis ~ October 3, 1948 - December 15, 2018

The Song Ghost The Musical - With You - lyric

"You, took my life with you, took my world with you" as heart shattering this is it is true but what you feel is taken away shall be given to you in the most powerful of ways you will ever know in the love that never leaves and the love all around in every breath you take

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The Diversity Of Grief

As the time goes on in my life that I live I am starting to notice grief is not just a matter of the loss, the death of a loved one in the life that I am living.   I am noticing the diversity of grief although the actual loss of a loved one is the ultimate heartache anyone could ever go through, I do now see that grief to me is so many things.  

The loss of a loved one, a pet, a job, losing your home, loss of friendship, change that occurs in your life,  shedding of the old grieving for the old as you grow to a new.  The loss of a relationship as I face now knowingly that the grieve of the loss of everything so important to you can cause pain and heartache and much surprise and shock.  However this does not dismiss that either or is more painful than the other.  

Looking back there is so much to see that have touched my life so deeply that I cannot say that grief is just not in the form of a death.  Losing something that causes heartache in your life is in a way a grief to you a mourning to pick up as hard as it is and move on because life around does not stop for the fact that you feel you want it to.  

If we could look to our life to see all the pain and loss that we have been through and see that here we still are the more we will know that day by day we found our way that through it all we still stand, even if through the darkest moments we use that as a leverage to lift us up in knowing that yes it hurts so much now, that the dark feels it will never fade as our heart aches we can understand that all the loss of the past we have had and got through that this as well will be a journey in a different way we will go through, that the hope is there to open our eyes that we have the strength to make it through the day.  

As I looked back to all that I grieved in my life I realised it was not just about the actual death of losing someone it was about the loss of the old no longer there in your present to having to let go and face the new that is no longer a routine of once you have had before.  That the pain brings so much heartache and tears as you grieve not wanting to let go nor say goodbye in the fear of not knowing what lays in the new.  Losing my home I remember, losing my animals, losing my husband it was not just the loss of my husband that I had to encounter it was the loss of everything I was so in love with in my life,  fading all around me that I had to let go to say goodbye to let it become just of a memory.  

As a loss of a loved one as you take on the loss of a non death yet the pain debilitates you I say just as before take your little steps, be easy on you, ask for the strength you need because that strength is always around you, don't be angered for not doing simple things as you so easily did before, take your breath to only have the goal to make it through this day.  We put so much stress on ourselves for things we did not do we do not see all of what we have done and been through, take the time to grieve for the loss but gain your strength in knowing that yet once again you have all you need to get through this yet again.  

It's the little things for me that I take to in my hurt, the butterfly that lurks around above me, the beauty of the red cardinal that sits in my tree, the robins that hop around looking for something to eat, the dragon flies that fly high above, in it all lays more healing to you than you could ever know and realise.  Today as i woke I noticed right away as my feet touched the ground yes my heart still hurts but OH GOD am I thankful for this new day, the blue skies and the little of hurt that has evaporated from my being as I started this new day.  

Last night as I spoke about in the end it is making room for the new and the over flowing of what I have forgotten came flooding back to me exciting my whole being, I lost what was important to me, in that moment I realised not one thing, one person is more important than being your true self nor losing the person who you are due to wanting to make it work.  Words cannot describe in this heartache that has been awakened in awe of the greatest of all I had let go of, all this brought tears to my eyes in a blessed joyful way.  

So I say to the grief that carries with us that a surprise to it all if we face that pain oh boy is there so much around wanting to come in if we let it, it is more beautiful than I could ever describe.  I smiled today in seeing all those little things that I have gone blind to by shutting it out due to hurt, pain and being someone I was not.  The things that happened all around me last night and today made me gasp for the biggest look up to the sky to give a thanks I have never been so overly full of excitement then before, it was like I opened and all that new came washing through to erase the old, to mourn is OK, yet to be blind to the good and love coming into you so fast is the proof that "yes this to shall pass"  there ain't nothing more than finding that smile again that thought would never be for a very long time.  

So yes I say without knowing in that moment we all take on so much loss that we never realise just as that loss after loss it becomes such a natural reaction to us we do not see how we take it on and through it our new comes to brighten our way, that we do not take the time to know in us is strength, dreams, hopes and miracles for us to take the steps to get through to the light again.  To actually use those loses that we got through to see in the now to use that as strength in knowing in time we will stand tall, with scars we will have but beauty of those scars to bare we will shine again.   

So I say to all losses we go through yes the heartache will lay deep, yet in the surprise we face as we go through the pain and feel it is something special to us personally, it is as though your life is speaking to you, blessing you telling you "your life matters, you are special this all your gifts for the hardship you bared but stood strong to see the light of day.  I say remember loss not only as the death of losing someone, but to see that loss is everywhere and constant and if open allowing the new you see just how higher you rise each and every time.

So today I do give so much thanks to my broken relationship, thank you God for blessing me to feel this pain but able to see the reason in it was more beautiful than the pain that lay in me, thank you for seeing the strength that I bare, that looking back to all of the endings I faced to see the over flowing powerful love, beauty and blessings that came through it all.  Feel it, bare it, understand it and take time to breath and know this is not a forever feeling, your break is shedding to open to your new, miracles, growth, dreams, beauty, love and more strength.

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Happy Never Ending

It's a funny little thing in life that when you look to something so dark, so hurtful to all your being that once through it turning around as you shed the pain and the darkness fades you find the power of love through it all, you find the AMAZING GRACE in a total surprise to your every being how once something that hurt you so badly to the core was in all actuality a life time lesson of the greatest of moment to you, a gift behind the dark fogged that lifted as you took each and every hard step forward through it, scared, skeptical, afraid to fall and not get back up to find yourself rising when you felt as though the whole time you were sinking.  

When you feel at your worse know that in that worse if you keep walking you will find the power invested in you to find the greater of good.  It does not ever stop there once you walk through the tears, heartache and pain your so much greater than that great you find through it all there is so much more to find, to walk, to fall down, yet to your life it is of such great worth to know by the power of God he is handing you the more and more you are worth if only you allow yourself to face that pain, that dark, that fear, to acknowledge what is talking to your soul and to not turn cheek to the cries your heart whispers to you, to know in every fail it is not a fail it is a path leading you to you the path you are gently being pushed to.

I wandered life far too long in the shadows of fear to come to understand if you do not move your life does not move, to feel life is against you is a fear in you avoiding the hard you know you have to feel yet again, to accept that your forever challenges, fears and changes are not easy yet growth, miracles and blessings calling your name, that the easy is not ever the way, to understand and bring out to life the things you know that need to be fixed, to say out loud and clear what it is you know you need to be changed for the better and battle that fear to find your forever guiding light through it all is the motivation to never want to stop no matter what you have to face, no matter how many nos you have to hear, know in all the nos, the rejections that it is all a great miracle leading you to the place you are meant to be greater than how you feel it should of been in your mind. 

 

Open your heart fully to address what it is in you that you feel needs to be, the needs of your dreams your purposes, your growth.  I always felt it be lights, camera, action for me, I felt to make an impact I had to just be in the spotlight, far from the truth at hand, my purpose, my dream, had a different direction for me, to fight that leads you forever in a circle finding no way out.  Acknowledging the problems you feel, saying them out loud and facing them is the greatest reward to your heart, mind, soul and life like you never could of imagined it ever be.

I found myself getting turned down interview after interview to stop and listen in my silence to find myself to know to lift up, let go and let God find me and show me my way, he placed me in a place that i'd never would of ever thought be, yet a place as soon as my foot touched ground a place my heart instantly over flowed with joy with an instant of a beat of my heart, I looked back to being a caregiver to my husband when he was sick how hurtful it was to do yet how powerful it was to be a person to love with all my heart and be there for the need of others, to gracefully see now that I was placed in a position of others that are so full of love and light that look to me for my care I seen the bigger picture of how something so painful can so quickly make your heart beam with such over powering love that your dream instantly takes a different vision than you thought how it should of been within a blink of an eye.

  Being a caregiver to my husband passed was yet again his way showing me where my heart and soul was meant to be, to be in service to beautiful souls that need all the love and care that I can give.  To be of service with nothing but heart is my purpose, that is my dream, to love to be where you were so gently placed is something I can never explain strongly in words yet only to feel it to the core of my whole to the tips of my toes is my dream I thought never be, a dream I never thought was there.  Only by surprise and the grace of God to find through all the rejection the nos and forever feeling hopeless, I have found the hope, the love, the dream, the bigger picture.  To care for others as I have been gifted as I have with my husband passed brings tears to my eyes of nothing but absolute love, joy and a forever feeling of walking in the clouds.

You see through the hardest of my times so strongly struggling to find my way I never stopped, even though dreams seemed to fade that dream was a dream that I never opened my heart fully to know, to see, it was a dream of purpose God had instilled in my life that through it with his love and guidance I had to accept and find, no matter how scared, how lost I felt through it all I found my way, God don't ever end your possibilities and things you can do in life or the growth you have in you, he expects and instills the biggest of the biggest in you, that just when you feel it ends after going through all you have already more is on the horizon.   

Yet as scared and tired you may be, there is a force that never lets you fall, you may take a little bit of time to accept that more is there for you in fear and tiredness yet you know why stop now when you know before the great you've got to endure the worse is there first, you know in all of you through it the greater is at the end of it all, to be patient and willing to keep getting back up with grace and love each and every time, you know it is there for you, your goals, your growth, your light, your bliss, the forever over flowing of blessings pouring out into your lap is always there if you accept the dark and the fear and find your bigger, and bigger and endless joys and dreams of life.  God don't look to you as little he looks to you and your life with big, big forever accomplishments and growth, there is no ending to what you can do, your limitless once you find the path your love is calling you to. 

I found myself in a fear, thinking I have so much already that there possibly couldn't be anymore in me to change, yet to my surprise there was, there is and it was something, it is something that has been crying for me for so long now, afraid to bring it to the surface and mend it,  I found myself yet again stuck, saying to myself "how could I let this happen when I have seen so much already, that I know what I need to do, so why am I denying the parts of me that need my love, my mending?", the fear of saying it out loud, the fear of what others may think of me if they found out, the fear of the hard work to get through it, I yet again found myself in the face of the dark in fear of what will be,  instead of walking strong through it at that moment I hid and denied and fought, knowing all to well that is not what leads you to your growth, to the greater and greater and endless blessings to the life you have been given.  

So I said it, I accepted it not as a weakness but as a challenge that through it is my growth, my light, a part of me that will grow to be stronger and lead me to yet again to the side of the surprises of the greatest of my blessings coming to life for the greater good.  It was not a weakness to face the fear of knowing I needed to address a chemical imbalance that I denied for so long, it is a gift to becoming whole, to being a light for others afraid as well.  To fight the fear to find a place for my little girl and I to finally start our new life together, without the safety net of home, to stand tall an begin my life independently to the fullest and start to drive, all fears yet now a burst of excitement in knowing in that fear and hard times to make it through the endless amazing dream of possibilities given to me to conquer not fear.

I have truly been touched to know that in fear, hurt, tears and pain it is Gods gift to gift you to understand your life is endless of dreams, love, purpose and great growth and achievements, his love for you is endless, his dreams for you are endless, therefor you have to be the one to walk that walk, to keep walking that walk, knowing no matter how long it may be it may feel,  your life of great joy, bliss, dreams of reality are in it all through it at the end of the shadows that lay behind once it clears, to your delight,  your eyes see bright, your heart lifts to the clouds, your smile becomes endless, the doors are all open sparkling with the bliss of the calling of your name, and it is the surprises of the way you thought it should be yet turns out totally different is truly where the sweetest of blessings will always be, no matter how you thought it should be you will never ever feel disappointment only the melody of your heart singing God Bless this moment.  The unseen AHA'S are the greatest gifts to your life, no words can ever describe.

Bryan Chadwick my love, my rock, my forever reminder of love of unconditional, God chose you to work through you unto me and that alone is the biggest of blessings to my surprise, my heart, my soul.  God working through people, that right there is gift we all need to bring out of us and shine bright, but to see it in action is a miracle of the greatest love ever.

Clipped wings can grow again.  Broken wings can regain a strength and beauty unknown before.  If you will, you can be released and free.  I pray that I may be freed from things that hold me down.  I pray that my spirit may soar in freedom.

~24/Hour Book~

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