The unfamiliar face looking back at you

 

 

 

When I look at your face I can’t help to wonder the face I looked to for so long is not the one I look to now.  When I look into your eyes I stop to wonder of the life that I have lost, that everything has changed, all our dreams and future is not what lays in the person I look to now.  When I look to your lips while you speak, it is not of the voice I am familiar with hearing.  Maybe when I am around you it reminds me of the different, the new, and the loss of the man that I thought would always be around, that in me I have to have the strength to allow the new.  When you make me smile it quickly erases in knowing another can make me smile in fear of knowing that it is not you on the other end of that smile making me smile.  Spending time with you yet feeling the urge to be spending time alone in regret that you were the only one I thought I’d ever have to spend my time with.  This man is not who in my heart I thought I’d be with, this man is not you, it is of the notion of moving on but feeling if I do part of me will let what special love we had would be let go.  Too many of ideas and memories surround my all that it is very hard to stop, put on the breaks and understand to be here in the now not to the past of once was us.

When I feel all of my heart caring for another it takes the breath out of me knowing that it always should have been you, to ever have to be with another was not part of the deal.  Two steps forward, two steps back, it’s like a never ending dance with a stranger wondering where that man that was taken away from this life is?  Why I now that I am standing with anew?   This could be a battle of the greatest all on its own to looking to another but not seeing the man you thought you’d spend the rest of your life with not looking back at you.  Caring for someone you thought would never be of a different person can make you want to lock yourself up forever in the pain that invades the old of that life you still want so very bad, wanting the man you lost so very badly but knowing it will never be.  Trying to be happy with a new face, a new heart, a new life, all of that is as though all of you shatter into the life you miss so very deeply in your heart mind and soul.

Even when your heart is ready it will always look to the new face that looks back to you making you wonder why is it not the face you thought be there forever?.  It is one of the greatest challenges to our heart to conquer the feelings of why?  How?  Wondering how do I move forward making a new life with someone who is a stranger to the life I thought would never change?  Many times being with another has totally made all of me feel sick, sick in knowing this is not the man I am supposed to be with, this is not the future I’m supposed to be building to with a man that is not the one I lost.  There is many moments of struggles that go on in all of me that it is a shock that I do not even know how this new man in front of me cannot see it, or feel it, or even that I simply just run away.  Some may never feel the need to even try to be with someone new, to know of the struggles that go on all around it is not of a shock to me that so many feel the need to just be free and build to a new life with simply loving who they are alone.

 

 

However in it all it is making it through the struggles that invade your every thought is where you will find the moments of being comfortable, knowing it is a new face yet moments of surprise surround in feeling nothing but comfort, I mean if we truly don’t try and truly gather our power of love how will we ever understand in our hearts that it is not letting go of the greatest love of all that it is actually building to a new love, a love of a different way.  If we continue to let the struggles invade our smiles, our happiness how we will ever know our heart is letting us know when we are ready.  Our love ones passed would never want our heart to shut down; to shut down to love is to shut down to life.
 

When I look to the face of this new man looking to me I see a new, I understand it is not of the same as before to know in it is all of the new, like the new life that I build to after losing the old life, to know that nothing will ever replace that life and the greatest of love it was showered with.  I look to the new face to see in his eyes to see that my heart knows it’s on a path to building something new, that my smile never got lost nor went away, my heart understands in comfort that this is a man that carries his own, not of the same as once was, that in his own way he will be the one I share my new with, that in his own way possibly one day my heart will love, that the piece of the love I lost is still there but loving in a different way of the new life we create, to understand this man is his own person not looking for what it was I lost.  The dark, the struggles, the pain, the all to being close to another after losing that love of your life is unbearable yet in that keeping pushing through the unbearable you will find your comfort if this is the man that is truly meant to carry you through to the new life you are building. 

Many times I feel my all just wanting to fight kicking and screaming to the old life that is no longer yet through it the silence comes and I see clearly to this man near me deep into his eyes and know in that second that yes, yes it is possible to care for another again, that it does not mean you let go or forget the life of great significance you lost, that you are building up to a new life to be happy again with another, all of it is new, you love for the person they are, you smile because it is them that made you smile again, no person in this life was ever meant to never love at all, if you’re not loving you’re not living.  Sometimes as we move on it may not be the right one for us but that is no reason to ever feel in your heart that it is over, that because you lost that greatest love of your life you’re doomed to ever find love of someone again.  It just means that you have not found your fit with another yet, that in time you will see your heart will care for the stranger that looks back at you.  So many times I wished I could see that sweet face looking back at me but know in my heart that he will always be with me in my heart, in the empty space in between and everywhere that I go. 
 

 

How can you say that the stranger you look to so close to you making you smile again is not the man sent to you especially for you from your loved one passed?  They know you deserve to be happy and they know you like a book to know what exactly fits to your life and the new you build.  Sometimes I want to scream in knowing just how much unconditional love we shared is of the past, that the all of what I lost will never be again but I smile in knowing that the man that is in my path makes me smile, that in a split of a second I feel comfort, I feel peace, so how is in that have any bad in it?  How is it in that all that this could be something not of worth to embrace instead of run away? 

As I look to the eyes of the man before me I recognise that yes this is new, this is change, that in its own way it can build to a new love, a different love, but to know it’s not letting go of the greatest love that once was but lost.  I look into his eyes to smile knowing in this moment my heart is letting me know it is ready without the fighting you have to let that go to hear your heart telling you when it is ready.  Even if that love you feel is not both sided it is of the greatest feeling in the world to know your heart is letting you know it is time, that you are ready, that you can see another without wanting to see what once was.  The man that I found truly that I was ready to embrace being with another does not even know how I feel yet I do not even stress in wondering how it is he feels for the simple fact that this man woke my heart up, this man a man not who I wanted to be with in this life has made me smile, he’s given more than I could ever of known if not open to the idea that loving again is possible, to give up is to give up on the greatest of life of all LOVE.  It’s funny knowing of all the times that have been tried but falling down that each and every time I knew the day to love again would happen when my heart was ready and through this different face I’ve found my answer. 

There were so many of times that I always would wish once I open my eyes it be the man I was meant to be with would be there looking back at me that in it all without knowing that was what my problem was, not being ready, not wanting to share the heart space, to now knowing in all of my falling downs it is time, that it is possible, that not in your own time things happen but in your hearts time.  Yes of course there will be moments I want to see my husband passed sweet face looking back at me, wanting to feel that unconditional love we share, feeling the safe, peace, comfort feeling I always felt with him, yet know in my heart it will be all again but in its different way, in our new different way.  The new will always be never of the same but will be of smiles, comfort, safe, and love but in our own new way.  You can love that person in their own way of who they are and for the fact that your heart has let you understand yes you are ready, yes it is about time.
 

 

Being with a new after losing your world takes time and understanding it will never be the same but to accept the difference an acknowledge you are smiling again, your laughing again, you are not feeling all of you wants to run from the person you stand with, that in all of you it feels right, it is different but it feels right.  There are no arguments going on in you, the silence is just is. 

 

My husband passed has definitely blessed the path of finding a new because he has raised the bar of letting my heart know what it is I deserve and the best is what it is and nothing less.  So if of anything but the less crosses my path than in my whole being I will know this is not who it is I am meant to be with.  My husband passed has love onto me with such unconditional love to never expect less than that is a blessing.  It is because of him I smile in knowing the importance I am to this life, to this world and to whoever comes to be part of my life.  However to the man that does not know I will face my fear to tell but if it is not the best for me and not meant to be it is ok because deep in my heart has been taught a lesson that I AM ready, I can love, I AM ready to move to that part of my next chapter, either way it is a blessing to my all to know my heart in silence and of surprise is ready to accept another.

NOTE TO ALL:  Do not get frustrated in the fact of trying to find another and it is not the right one, smile in knowing your heart has blessed you with the freeness of being able to love another again, knowing that person you will love in their own way, that in the new it will be your very own life you both build together that has nothing to do with the past that you lost.  Know that in time the fit will be just right around the corner to complete your puzzle with the exact fit your heart has been looking for.  This person will have to bare big shoulders in knowing that the life you lost on occasions will bring you tough days to know he is not in competition but blessed that your heart has opened to even accept another.  If it’s the fit than it will just be and it will just flow and the new of your life will begin together.  In the meantime take time in noticing your smile, your laugh, the feeling of peace and breathe in knowing it can be again.  Mr. Blue eyes of my life don’t know it but I’m coming for him, and oh how freeing it feels to know love can happen again to the hopeless that wanders in you all for far too long, it too shall pass in time that it is meant to pass.
 

 



 

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Give it up to the hands Higher

 

 

Coming from your heart to do things that you love, from a passion so electrifying that radiates from your heart through love is always where you will find your most amazing thing in life, to your life, to people around you, that gift through you onto others radiates so much love that in that love is the work of a love so powerful no words will ever explain.  It’s not about magic; it’s not of just coincidence it’s using your purpose, finding it in the great passion that fills your all leaving you to know of nothing else that is

 So powerful to you that right to the core is your purpose exploding through each and every part of you.  When you back of all things with your love nothing but good comes back your way.  Each time you make another smile, every time you see the spark come back into someone’s eyes that you have helped to turn on that spark, to sparing money to someone you know who is in need, to simply just being grateful for what you have now and not seeing through to what you don’t have, to knowing God is a love in you waiting for you to ignite and listen to what it is you are meant to be here for.  From littlest to of biggest of things you do from your heart onto others is truly your whole heart given to know that in it all comes back stronger and more than before, God knows that you struggle, that you fall, that you fight, he sees that you are truly doing all from the heart, taking your purpose to truly use it with love onto the world.

To feel the brightness in your own self, to see that in others and to give it to those that don’t, when you open your heart fully to embrace the fears of taking the leaps looking back to smile that the leap of faith is where all the most beautifulness of things happen you never ever worry of fear again to have faith in all your leaps your net under you is there, to leap in faith is to trust in God to allow him to see that you trust he will catch you if you fall, that even in the fall is the best part of it all, it is in the down time you get to see what you need to do it again with the knowledge of why it was you fell all the other times.  When you feel that feeling of letting go of fear to accept in Faith and trust you start to see things around you take shape as never before.

 

 

 

Most of all to believe in who you are and what you carry in your heart is what is the most of importance to you and the purpose that you build to.  Some days you may not feel it but it doesn’t mean it left you it just means you have a day to build the things you see around in the now you are so very grateful for, to rid of the feelings you can never do what it is your heart loves and wants you to do, to feel you can’t be that impact to what your purpose is out into the world, well those day are the days you need to fully lift up to God to understand to take notice in the gratefulness of all there is now, that it’s not easy, nothing you build is ever easy and there will be days you feel the fight is more than you can handle yet in it you find the spark is there, it may be dull but in the gratefulness of all you see now it ignites bigger and brighter as it always has been.

I lost my husband, I lost my father but through the bad I brought in the good no matter how hard it was to see that good I brought it in, I felt the pain but so hardly through it I prayed, I stuck to seeing the lessons, the silver lining, the love of what we shared.  I leaned into my love, I leaned into my faith, without doubting I kept taking those baby steps to what it was my heart felt so strongly to do, it was not a whisper it was an explosive of nothing but energy through all of me, it was my determination, it was the hurt, it was in it all I chose to understand yes the pain is unbearable but in me is the strength and love to find the ways to make my life worth living, to see there was life still worth living, to understand that through it all there were so many out there feeling that pain of grief as I do, that I never wanted anyone to feel the way I do for longer than they needed, to not let others ever feel they were alone, that alone was my heart and love letting me know the purpose of my love was ignited.  I doubted, I struggled, I fell, yet each and every time in getting back up here I was guided back to grief and loving to love those that do grieve.  I am writing this blog tonight because I am in the clouds in the understanding just how important it is to follow your heart to never stray from it no matter how tough times are, to understand in your pain you can pull in the good no matter how little it may be.  To understand someone is there waiting for you to love you endlessly and bless you in a purpose you back with unconditional love.

After my husband passed it was in all of me to start right away a blog, at first it was just as though to be as a journal a place to let go of my emotions, later to find the help that was coming through to me of others, than a spark of light in me felt it, my heart felt it, my love was in it, it was then I knew in all of me that to be the person to help as many people as I could to help that were grieving is what I wanted more than anything, as little as it may of seemed, helping just one is more than not doing nothing at all.  Than to start visioning my blog to be more than just a blog, to set out to become known, to become so known that I could reach out onto so many out there around the world, no matter how tough, how time consuming in all of me just wanted to be the change in grief, to those that dodge grief, turn cheek to those that grief, to even more so to those that felt alone.  To bring compassion, love, and understanding to the word grief that so many brush off as something that just leaves over a certain amount of time.  Being able to make the change to a topic so hush hush to so many when in all reality we all are touched with grief sooner or later in life, it is just that fact that those who don’t, do not want to see the one day they too will be touched by it.

 

 

 

Now through this all I’ve struggled in believing in myself, that I and what I do was important enough to finding to surrender it to God to know he knows of my purpose that in his hands one day it will blossom into something bigger than I could of ever imagined it to be, that what I was doing was being built from my heart, from the love of my purpose.  Now that is when I see the blessings that happened when you lift all your faith, trust, belief to the Lord knowing he sees and knows what you are trying to build that he shall build it into something even bigger than you thought of, to know your loved ones passed, your guardian angels, your spirit guides all you lift up to sees you and knows in your heart that what you are trying to do comes from the purest of love they back you up and play a role in your purpose, into where it is you need to go. 

Today was my proof of what does happen if you surrender to not giving up on your purpose or dream but lifting it up to God is just how much starts to be created with no stop in sight.  Windsor Star paper here wants to do the story of me, my blog and TV show coming soon on TV Cogeco, than finding out that my show coming soon to TV Cogeco may turn into a series or documentary on CTV all of this news today made me smile in knowing that faith, trust, love, belief in giving it up to God in trust that he’s got you, that that’s not the end, the more you embrace it the more doors that open, that the love you carry for what you do for your purpose is endless where it will take you.  I cried in knowing that thanks to my dad passed he was the one to lead me to see this all, to lean into God’s love, people that know that love, to lift it all up in faith, to embrace God so much more than before this was all of the lesson to my heart from my dad as he left this world.  It is him, that’s when I see it there is the good in the pain that we feel, that no matter what the good, the blessings, the beauty are there, always there for your heart to embrace if only you believe.  To do things out of the purest of love selflessly, to just love and help those you know are in pain, no matter how hard it may seem to be.

When you lose someone it is of the hardest thing to bring yourself to do but guess who blesses your heart to ease enough just a little to make you see those blessings in it all, how is it you make it through each and every hard day, when you look back to see how far you got, do you see how it is you got to where you are?  Through the love of you, love of God, prayer and most of all our loved ones passed lifting us when we feel we can’t walk.  That no matter what they are the force behind you to always wanting to see your smile, not your tears. 

 

 

There is so many of blessings that happen to not understand where all of this good is coming from, purpose backed with unconditional love to building to wanting to make a change in something that needs change, to knowing and standing in your light and faith is always a blessing to you that opens up so much more to anything ever imagined before.   The fails, the falling down, and the struggles all that is worth it in strength to keep believing in you, to keep the faith to know in thanks to look up and say thank you each and every blessing that comes your way.  Lifting the stress of your purpose up to the Lord is not giving up it is your strength in asking in faith that you need help and know deep in your heart it will be in the time it is meant to be.  I don’t mind that all of what I vision comes to reality because too much of a good thing is more than enough, to see the bits and pieces fall together to leading to more and more is what it’s all about, to have the patience to see it happen in every baby step you accomplish.

Faith, love, gratefulness, abundance, being in the now, knowing the love of your loved ones pass is never far from what you seek, to embracing God in way you thought you could not of done is what will carry you through to the beauty of all you hold in your heart to achieve in the purpose you were blessed with in life.  Even further than your purpose to just love and care for others even if a stranger to you, to smile and lift others in the paths you cross, not shunning upon those that need help, to embracing them with love to help and know in them is a piece of you.  Sometimes though sometimes it is also in having faith in you and belief to dare to ask the great ask, it’s not only in the believing it will be you have to put yourself out there to so bravely do the asking, to face the fear of what could be and know in your heart what you carry is of significance built from your love.  You never get what you do not ask for, that sometimes you have to jump and have faith in all of you that you shall fall onto the greatest of your blooming purpose blossoming more and more, the more you believe you are important, that what you carry in you is important.

Finding the silver lining in all your gloom is the greatest blessing to your heart that you will ever seek, to see in you there is still life, to know up above is a force of nature that is backed by the love you fill in this world.  To believe in all of you your loved ones passed smile in knowing that’s the person I knew she/he could be, that they to know of all happiness that surrounds us and in that they sigh in knowing they always will have your back as well.  Tears of JOY have to be of the most amazing moments to your heart and soul.  As your tears fall they fall onto others to pass joy onto others in their times of doubt.  Seeing the love of all you believed in becoming into something you always believed and seen you could do is acknowledgement of the love force of God in your life, the love force of those that we loved that passed, truly no words can explain seeing your purpose bloom into what you thought sometimes could never.

 

 

Love others, help others, find a piece of you in all you see, that truly is where you can let go of pain, in the great dare of asking, that as well is where you face your fears to see what you hold is so much stronger than the fears that try to scare you from what you want.  It truly is in loving of others and seeing the greatness in them to help and lift up is where you see what life is all about.  Finding it in you no matter how hard it is to reach out to others and be there for them is where you will find the pain you feel lifted.  I say this a lot but know it is so true, to know that helping others to your fullest is opening up your life to so much around you and your heart.  Every week I go to the place of love, New Song Church to just be there to know there lays a piece of my dad to love to help to embrace God’s love more than ever before to understand through it life isn’t always about good times to fill those bad days with love and rise above it all again and again is the strength of it all.  Strength of love, strength in your days of helping others that no matter what you will rise through those bad days to see a brighter day coming soon no matter how hard you feel you won’t

NOTE TO ALL:   All of my love is built in here, all my love is in the helping of those that have asked for my help in their hard times, through it all in the faith and belief that the change I felt in my heart I could be would never fade, that the purpose I carried was with unconditional love, all of that and more to come is always my path to walk on, knowing through it all the doors that need to open will open, knowing in each person in need of help that I see have truly felt my compassion is not only just because of me it is the work of God onto me onto others.

 Keep understanding that the gratefulness you seek never goes unseen, the being in the now of beauty that is all around instead of what you want to see in the future is a powerful force to open your heart and doors to so much more than you could ever think of.  To always be thankful for every little achievement in the baby steps you take, looking up and knowing thank you God for the littlest to biggest of things you bless upon my life each day.  Lifting up your purpose with all your love in knowing you’re not giving up that it is in your faith, belief and trust it will be more than ever thought of one day in its own time.  Purpose built on love is what we are, it is what gives our purpose the energy it needs to grow to become all and more we could have ever thought or seen in our minds.  Today I am so grateful for so many of things and know this is not where it ends, that this that seems so big to me is just the beginning. 

 

 

 

 

 



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Be the Warrior

So in hard times is to find the good in you, around you everywhere because in hard times dealt to you one after another where it seems endless it is important to not let that suffocate you from the positive, love and shine in you, to seek the good no matter how hard, to find that silver lining no matter how hard is a must to your sanity to your soul, to your everything.  I have never been dealt with so many heart wrenching things as I have this past week, seriously it’s almost breaking, can you come to a point where you do actually break from so much happening all at once?  I am afraid to understand just why these hard times have come on so fast and never ending that it literally takes the breath out of me, then that’s when your whole being starts to take a turn for the worse if you allow it, for me I take the knock downs to rest, to gather all of me back again and think for the positive, to understand that there is so much pain out there that my own is not the only going on.  You have to understand that the toughest of warriors in this life are those dealt with so much yet still stand looking in it all for the lessons to their hearts are.  For me no matter how negative I want to fall and let myself think, in me is the warrior to understand that there is not anything that has come way to knock me down for good because through it all I found my silver linings and lessons In it all to grow.

For all feeling they are going to lose your mind, know that its ok yet find time to gather yourself and look for that little silver lining because this is life and although it may seem that you are the one that seems to be getting hit with all the bad in this world it is because you’re a warrior and the amazing God wants to grace your hearts with deepest of lessons to the life your building forward in.  He does not want to see you suffocated in darkness, God knows and shall lift you, even though in that very moment you don’t feel there is anything to hold on to you will find it.  When finding crushing news to our hearts not knowing the outcome we cannot boggle our minds with what ifs, what is going to happen, we have to know in our hearts that no matter the outcome we are strong enough to do it and keep pushing through it, I’ve lost so many people of great love to me that when things of the same nature come up through others so close to me it’s so hard for me to turn that negative off, but in our all,  heart,  mind and soul we have to bring in the bright, to know deep in us to feel of the positive is to feel the love of God helping us in our moments of true hurt, scared, unknown, it is through all that we have to bring forth our faith, trust, love in God that this whatever it may be will be another lesson to your soul. 

It’s so very hard to get yourself back up but backed by the belief in God you shall stand once again yet for the millionth time through your life.  It’s been way too long I allowed fear to control my thoughts that I took my turn into God to understand that I trade that fear in for faith, for his love, to know deep in us all is a warrior for all things that lay ahead, for us to gather others to find their warrior in them as well, to not be scared, fearful, negative because in that all you give up you, you give up your love blessed to you by God, so standing in the light through the hardest of times is possible you just have to find deep in you to stand strong, to take the waves of the tides that come on strong but leave silently as fast as they came in.  To worry of something you have no answers to is to burden yourself with things that are out of your control, to understand it is bringing you down to worry of things you have no answers to, that when the time comes you will rise above to face whatever it is you are dealt with.  Just because your heart has dealt so much pain does not mean it will be the same of every time you go through toughest of moments with others close to your heart.  It’s funny because through the hardest of times it is actually being able to help others to make me realise that there is nothing greater for your soul than to give.

Two very special people in my life are faced with unknown results yet through it I choose to stand in the light to free the thoughts of negativity, to not only allow myself free of stress for no reason but to bring in positive to the person close to me to their life, to wait and not fall into darkness to understand to send out positivity to the universe will be given back to your heart.  No matter how many times I was faced with the horror of bad news it is now I stand strong full of my all of positivity to let the universe know it is what I need back, that the love of God will grant us whatever it is we need to make it through the moments that lay ahead but for now we stay in the present moments to smile, laugh and just love.  It’s also so hard to my heart to let it care for another, it is hard to let go in the knowing of what I lost before, yet I know in my heart that has a mind of its own and to shut out caring for someone is to not to be living at all.  We are first and always LOVE, backed by the greatest love of all God.  If not for his love we would not be able to stand tall through the things we have endured, gracefully through the joyous of times that to would of never of been if not turning to God instead of turning to dark.

The one special person to me unknown of outcome doesn’t really know just how much I care, yet my heart hasn’t really allowed that out in fear of the outcome, so I lean into God, I lean into my love and will find the way to let go and jump in no matter what the outcome may be.  No denying the heart is resistant once lost the greatest love of all, yet even the heart can be brave enough to let go and do it again, knowing that love is love and we are love, to not love is to say you do not breathe. 

When dealt with so much of painful of times it is so hard for the heart to keep on keeping on yet through it you find the ways to look back and see just how far you got.  It’s so hard to bare the news of bad news but in that bad news you have to not succumb to the evil of negativity and start thinking of the outcome, understanding these people are not the people you have lost their destiny is not of the same of those you lost, just understand the warrior in you is yet again ready for another battle of blessings, silver linings and so much of the deepest love.  You as a person have been dealt with more growth, looking around to understand to pull in others to teach upon them to of what it was you have learned so they too will build to the warrior they need to be.  I don’t want to lose no more people so close to my heart but I have to let go of that to understand to be here making the memories of the greatest to our lives.  To understand God knows when he needs to hold my hand, to carry me through the walks he knows I can’t, just for only a little while until the strength gets stronger in me again through him onto me.  I’m thinking right now how my heart has chosen on its own to care for another, which not even acknowledging me my heart made the choice, so here I am unsure of it all but understand what ever it will be it will be.  If maybe it is just one sided that is the lesson I will learn in it, if not than I need to jump all in not ever thinking once what the future holds because it is in the now we are living and to keep your heart locked up is to not live at all.  Was hard to stand over someone I cared for that really didn’t know the feelings I held in me to see them so lifeless, yet as I stood there I knew that whatever shall be will be that to worry of other than the present is a waste to ourselves and that person you care so much for.

As for the other person that waits for their results is a person of great significance to my life and is so hard for me to keep standing in the light knowing of just how many I have lost in my life but for our hearts sake I smile to the positive and know whatever we face we will face that when the moment is when it arrives,  for now we will love and make the greatest of memories as we go along.  It’s hard for me to understand or put into perspective to of as why so much has been taken from me but to know there are no answers to any of the questions to believe through each person I’ve found the greatest of lessons, that with God’s love I will always find my way, my strength, my warrior within.  I’m with heavy heart for quite some time but you have to lift that heart look up and smile in knowing his love is on your side that through the shadows of life he will always pull you out from it all to let you find the deepest of lessons to your heart.  To think why is this happening to me again?  To think why do I keep going through these hard moments in life?  To feeling sorry for yourself will not bring any answers to you but only lead you out of the light you stand in.

Yes not going to deny it my heart hurts, it hurts for so many reasons, for the reasons of this person I care so much for may be headed for something faced with once already but how do I just make the feelings I have go away, there’s no way to, I smile in knowing that in the now though in the now we have nothing but the best and beautiful to look for, if only I can find the words to let this person know without fear of finding out it may be one sided, if that is it then that shall be and no bringing myself down and still care for that person and what they go through.  Never thought my heart could care for another again but to my surprise out of nowhere it has and that alone makes me smile in knowing that Yes I most certainly care and want to be with another again.  Most consume all of their fears of what happened to them before they truly lock up their all to the life they need to live, they lock up their love to let in God to help them in their times of need.  Breathe and understand no matter how hard your heart can care for another again.

To bury the burden of your heart is to embrace, hug and love those that face the same of situations, to be there for those that hearts are heavy as well.  Finding it through your own hurt to love onto others is the gem of life to your very own life.  To know that what lays ahead is not to be of worry to being in the now, that it is out of your hands to have faith in God that it will be what it shall be, that when the time comes you won’t be alone to face that alone.  God does not give the hardest of times to be hurtful he gives those moments to own it all and walk strongly through it finding the lesson to your whole being.  It’s oh so hard to not lean into the bad thoughts of what could be but leaning in with positive is leaning into the universe letting it feel you’re positive to back you with positive that you give out.  Ask for what you shall want, and in the asking shall be heard.  It’s so hard for all of me to even see that positive yet in all of me I dig so deep to hold on to know in my heart that all I’ve been through will help me in the outcome of what is.

Tears of flowing come from time to time yet believing in those tears are tears that drop of hope, faith, love and Belief.  Even though you may fall off the wagon its ok to know that it happens that you are not the only one that life is full of falling down, it’s when you get back up is when you see the difference in you from before.  In that lying down you see things in the eyes of a different way to hear in the silence the lessons of love being called upon to you.  It has been so much of hard times for me that I just have to believe that no matter what I am here, I am loved, I am supported, I am a warrior, that to see it of only being dealt with so much bad is to see it through the wrong way of eyes, that it has nothing to do with bad, it is a life that you are learning, growing, building, that everything is a teaching onto you to teach onto others with the greatest of love and compassion you carry for baring the scars that you do.

The future is unknown but the now is here so live it, breathe it, love it, look to others that need your hand, see God is not very far from what it you are going through.  Taking chances to be vulnerable to another of feelings you carry is part of life to keep that bottled up is being behind bars to never fully take in your life to the fullest, to have things not turn out in your favor is not a turn down because of who you are it is a moment that is just not of to be right now, but perhaps it will lead back to the way it was supposed to be as you thought it should be.  I pray, I love, I seek others in pain, I gather it all to know in the now is all we have, so why not smile and look to the beauty all around, to take it all in to know love is greater than anything put in our way.  Yes as I sat alone to my surprise something happened in my heart to feel for another that never was expected but he faces a battle but in faith I only seek for the now and the future will be whatever it shall be, we have no control to make things be the way they are supposed to be, it shall all align to the divine life of what your meant to walk through.

I pray from deepest of my heart that both these people so close to me are filled with love, that the outcome of their future is strength we all will need when we get there, to know it all will turn out how it is supposed to be, for no matter what the outcome I will remain who I am to know if it turns out to be not of how I envisioned  that the belief in God’s love it will be something bigger than imagined and the strength to endure it with the warrior in me.  In a sigh of breath I find the strength to make it through the minutes of now to move to the future of answers that lay ahead.  With all my love I give up to the Lord to know all of what I can handle.

NOTE TO ALL:  To close off your heart to not care is to not be living at all, to believe you hold the answers to the future is to give up faith in God up above, it is to erase that there is even a God because he is the only one that knows of our future, so to think the control of the future is in your hands is to erase God’s love to your life and to elude you of all positive, love, blessings that come into your life.  To worry of things that are unknown is to weigh your own self down to a level where your strength disappears.  We know not of the future, we know not of what happens, or what lays ahead of us that we miss the precious in the now moments of important memories to be made.  To close your heart to care for someone is to be prisoner or puppet to a life not truly being lived, say out loud what it is you feel if it is not returned then that moment is not of the right timing, it is not you, not because of you it is just not the path you are to be on in this present moment, but to not forget that maybe later on that will be the timing of right.  Be the warrior you carry in you and live in the now to fight the moments in the now and onto others who face the same that may not be the warrior in their times of need, be the warrior to their life that they need in their time of weakness.    Don’t allow the negativity to be the driver in your life step on the breaks and take control of how you want to drive through your own life.

This is in dedication to all the warriors facing the greatest of battles even though you may not know me I stand strong with love and faith to battle the battle along side of you. 

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The Love of a Parent

 

 

Going through the grief of losing my husband has shattered my heart so many of times, but through it all each and every time I’ve put those pieces back together, some would think that is impossible but to me nothing is ever impossible, with all the love that you hold in you to the love that surrounds, to the love of God all of that makes the impossible to possible, to finding the good in every little thing no matter how shattered you may feel, no matter how many times you feel you got knocked down.  Yet the greatest of hurt comes from our daughter when she comes to me to say “I miss having a daddy”, what do you say to a little girl who is just beginning life and sees only the world in the purest of eyes.   It’s not something you can turn your cheek to and ignore; it is her heart telling yours she feels as you do on your bad days of missing that life we once had.  There are really no right ways to address that situation, accept take a deep breath, feel the love of your loved one passed to stand up and represent what their heart would say if it were them in your shoes.

After having a tough week followed by an actual normal day this was the words brought to me on a day I actually felt like I was me again, to come to almost fall to my knees hearing what came from my little girls mouth.  I took the time to gain my strength and you see some may feel that where do you get the strength to answer that?   Well for me it comes from the heart and the love of the greatest love you have for your child, and in knowing her heart feels just as big as mine does, that it is not over for her either.  So in all of me I honestly wanted to pretend I did not hear but my heart knows that the pain of grief never goes undone if it does it just digs a bigger hole in you to build to a bigger and bigger problem later in your life.  So I took my deep breath and sat down and asked her “what was your favorite memory of being with daddy”?  she looked at me for a little and told me, “well it’s not just one thing I remember a lot of favorite things, but I really liked it when we went to the river together and had ice cream”, smiling I asked her what else is it she could remember, she said “well I remember us going to the beach and playing in the sand”, Feeling the tears I told her “well how about when you miss having a daddy you remember all your favorite things you did with him, that even though I’m not her daddy I still could do those things with her”,  I asked her to tell me more of what she could remember, she said “I liked everything we did, car rides, looking for horses, getting my Slurpee’s, playing hide and seek”, I looked at her and asked “do you miss having a daddy right now?  She said “no”, I said “see, when you miss your daddy think of all the times you spent together, and we will do all that together, that I was not daddy but the things they loved doing together could still be done”.  So that night we started a daddy list of all things she loved to do with her dad and started working on doing those things. 

She smiled big as we wrote each and everything down on the list, I looked at her to remind her that her dad will always love her, be with her in her heart and all around her, that where ever he is he knows what she is doing and never stops being her guardian angel, that every day he may be unseen he is there, she is part of him, that even though I am one person I represent both daddy and my love for her, so that through me she always has both our love, that just because I was not daddy didn’t mean she had to stop all the things she loved doing with her daddy.  Then I realised I’ve lost my dad and looked to her to say you are not the only person in this world to lose a daddy that “I lost my daddy to”, so together when we miss our daddies we can always talk about our things we loved doing with our daddies”, so than of course that led to her making me make a list of all the things I loved doing with my dad, which was oh so hard and so full of tears in knowing my relationship was far more different than her and her dads relationship, but that right there through the pureness of her asking to my surprise I found some moments that I did love doing with my dad, lesson to my heart from my eight year old little girl, that through your heart you will always find those favorite things no matter how hard the relationship was with that person you lost.  Through her I was able to see my little girl and pure love for my dad as she did that night for her dad.

 

 

After all of this we both looked to one another to actually smile, I hugged her so tight and she told me “your daddy to than can see you right?   He is your guardian angel to right?  He knows than you love him right now, than he knows that so than he knows you always have even though you didn’t see him a lot he knows right now that even than you loved him?  I told her, “I guess he does your right”.  Her brilliance of everything she sees and knowledge she carries astounds me every day.  She looked at me to ask “does that mean daddy can hear and know I love him?  I told her “daddy knows you love him even when you don’t say it”, that he always will feel her love every day.  She looked at me and smiled and we talked more and looked through pictures of her and her daddy, through the greatest of your love for another there is always the purest of emotion that puts to rest all those negative of feelings that come on so fast and so strong leaving them in the past of yet another moment conquered with acknowledgement and love.  It’s not easy to pick up those pieces but it’s easy when you look to the love of your child knowing in you is answers they are trying to find, that even if the answers are not there through your heart you will always find the way to address their hearts.  The one most important thing to me was to be there always for her no matter how hard or bad of a day I had, and every time I’ve god fully found the way to lift her up in her moments of need.

In the conversation I was reminded of the first year of losing my husband how I thought I could not believe the strength I endured devoting my all to making sure our little girls heart was being fully attended to leading me to put my own grief on hold that built bigger and bigger to a bigger issue later on but smiled in knowing that it was her first I wanted to make sure would be comforted that through that my own grief in little ways was also being addressed but still having to go through my own grief I knew after all that there was nothing I could not walk through, that through all that I had the strength to make it through my own.  These moments are far from over yet with love they will subside and be comforted, through that the pain will never be greater than all our love together.  That God is seeing what it is we go through that in it all we will never be without the love and strength we need to do the hard work of every situation that comes to our lives in grief we feel. 

Since then more has been added to that list, and one by one we do the things on that list.  She makes sure to read that list every day, to remind me that it is something special to her, checking it over and over she smiles in all the memories she remembers of her daddy and her, special moments they had together, special times we had all together, the biggest thing to my heart is through her I was able to find a list of my own no matter how distant of a relationship I had with my dad there were still good memories to be remembered.  So every time she smiles looking to her list, so do I knowing that there actually were moments I had as well.  The saying “God never gives you more than you can't handle” I do believe in now because through all of our struggles here we are still today smiling, laughing, making dreams come true, making it through hardest of moments but finding the blessing in it all.  That moving forward is the option we choose to know in faith we will always make it through our obstacles that come our way.  That in it your heart finds the way to let us know just what it is we need to do, that to feel the love and go from there to find the sparkle in our life, to find the sparkle never fades through the heart felt actions of love.

 

 

Our little girl lost her daddy way to soon, yet we have to understand that there are others in this world that are going through so much more than we know, that we have to find it in us to find things to be grateful for now, to find the memories to brighten our hearts, to remember that love never leads you a stray.  To understand that we are not the victims, we are the students learning in the big classroom of the world in life we live, that we could either choose to stand still or find ways to walk through the hurt to find all the little blessings that get us through that pain.  A child, your child is never one to ignore the feelings that come your way because at the time you don’t know what to say nor feel that you can't, if you take the time to breathe, find it in you what your heart is feeling than through that you will always find the ways to address whatever it is they seek to hear and learn from you.  The strength of your loved ones passed with the love of God will always whisper to your heart if you take your moment to gather your strength and let your heart be the lead to whatever it is you got to do.

Makes me smile that I always find the gems through the hardest of times, that no matter how hard the times may seem that gem is right there waiting for you to take in and learn.  The more of a struggle you go through the more of a greater lesson and blessing to be taught through it.  Don’t walk around, walk through, your child is also to be walked with hand in hand through it as well in their times they need it.  Find the ways no matter how small to comfort their loss, there will always be ways to let you know what it is to do, if only you let go of your own pain, to gather yourself and move forward, your love will take the lead and through it you will see another moment passed and behind you with a lesson of the greatest to you and your child.  I’m amazed to see that in rock bottom through love I built my way back up in a solid foundation that I still build up to this day, yet looking back I smile to see that in that solid was my building that allowed that structure to remain solid backed by the faith and love of God, my husband passed and now my own dad.

You can be broken a thousand times but every time you can put those pieces back together shaping you into a person you thought you would never be.  Sometimes it may lose some pieces in the building back together but in those missing pieces you gain more.  Our daughter will forever live with grief as I do but we both together will learn to leave that space in our lives to live with it, through it.  I know her daddy will never let us down, that my dad will forever keep teaching me the greatest of life lessons as he has been doing since he left this world.  Our little girl and I will find in us love, faith, happiness and joy always because we choose to, because through it all each and every time we lift our own selves a little higher each time, we live the happiest of life we can knowing where we are the love of our life is there to, that in it all God hears our cries to bless upon us of lessons to our hearts to build our foundation stronger and higher every time.

 

My husband passed left a piece of him here with me, through her we still hold that family love, that love will never leave us, we carry it through to the life we move through now.  I’m proud to know that my daughter is slowly starting to be the young lady I showed her how to be, that no matter what guided by heart you will never be led to the wrong.  I’m grateful for her love; it is her love that shows me to seek things through the eyes of a child which is to see of the purest.  So denying them In their time of needs is to deny your own self, what they hold in them is a piece of you as well, that denying of what they need to seek from you only grows into bigger, worse things in the end.  To walk through it together is to conquer and leave in the behind waiting for the next hurdle to jump over together.

Through it all through the hardest of times your heart will always be, through the heart is the gate open of love, in there will never lay darkness or negativity.  Every time my daughter smiles I smile in knowing she’s feeling love and knows that she is loved to the fullest, the proudest moments of all is to see that smile through another moment in grief left in the past behind us because we walked through it and made it through.   I know in my heart my husband passed touches our hearts every time we go through those dark moments.  That in her hurt she is graced upon by her daddies love.  Moving those negative thoughts to seek positive will always erase those moments of darkness in life that come on so very quickly, in time, love, patience and strength you find your rainbow, you feel the weight lift and you find your smile again.

NOTE TO ALL:   Do not take the short cut through hurt, walk gracefully head held high hand in hand with your child to know loves got your back, that no matter what or how long it takes you will make it through yet another dark moment graced by your loved ones passed alongside the love of God, there is always the strength in you to pick up the broken and gather your love to help your child through there hardest of times, as you do for your own.  Feel the love, back it with your loved ones passed love always and that darkness will forever disappear each and every time in any moment it creeps upon you.  The hurt you see in your child’s eyes can be debilitating to you but to remember the smile you make appear is what makes you kick that debilitation aside to reach deep in your heart to seek that smile again.  The love of god, the love of our loved ones passed there is nothing more powerful than that, the love of your child is the kind of love that never ever breaks, so walk that walk through the pain and wait for the smile to fill your heart with joy to moving forward to living your life bravely full of love and higher than before.   Our children become what they see in us so always choose love not silence.

 

 

And I know I'm strong enough to mend ~ Mariah Carey

 

 

 

 



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