To The Man That Broke My Heart:

As I sit here looking to the clouds on a gloomy day I cannot help but to feel exactly how the gloomy day resides with no sun, yet as I look up in wonder of why, I understand that for every end is making room for a new beginning for your life to evolve and bring in more growth, strength and light, things you thought of are making room to come into your life.  

As painful, hurtful and suffocating you feel now you have to feel that, get through it, take your heart that was broke into pieces yet again to know and trust as so many times before the pieces will soon enough come back together.  As a widow I truly understand what it is like to have your world taken completely from you, the future you saw becomes blank.  However this time it is a heartbreak of a difference, a heartbreak of a relationship you thought would be the one,  that brought a smile to your face and open heart that you thought could never be again.  

The pain is real, the tears and hopelessness fill your whole being in wanting to know why??  I opened my heart unexpectedly never thinking that again this could be, I loved fully yet here we are at an end, in my whole being I do not want to let go, I do not want this to be the outcome, am I holding on so tightly due to the pain I know takes over your whole world?  am I holding on to tight because I thought he was the one, the one who opened my heart fully after thinking I could never again?  

I walk around endlessly with thoughts, memories, laughter, tears thinking of how we were, how he so surprisingly entered my life.  As a widow I do believe letting another in is a big step in the life we lost and thought could never again, or is it just simply a human reaction of a heartache of a broken relationship?  I could not move, I could not see the light of the next day, I could not stop the pain, the tears, the darkness, I simply lay feeling I could not move, feeling paralysed  trying to understand why again do I have to be part of the pain that sucks all of everything you have out of you.  

I prayed that I'd get strength to make it through this, that I would understand why I gave my all and to see that in the end it was a dead end.  Than I started thinking to myself that what I have been through, I looked back to the pain I was so deeply berried in losing the love of my life to see who and what and where I am now, if that pain was so debilitating yet through it in my new beginning of starting over I have gained so much dreams, miracles, strength and love than perhaps once again this is the time to break to see that the end is just yet another new beginning.  

He was the light of my life that took my breath away in knowing I could love again, now it is just simply taking my breath away in full decapitating hurt, yet just as all hurt, discomfort and endings it is time to look up, trust in knowing the end is actually the beginning of new coming in, that as much in love I had felt he may of been the lesson to my heart showing I can love and that it is time to know that I can and know people sometimes are blessed upon us for the greatest lessons but sometime do not stay in your life, just there to prove to you that you can do all that you thought you could never. 

It is dark right now, the memories of us hurt and cut like a knife but I have to be strong in knowing the future is unknown and in this time its time to open my life to the new struggling to push in.  It's a part of life we sacrifice to love, to love and have it end, to love and hurt yet to look to positive to fill your heart.  Last night in the dark I lay in nothing but tears and pain but today I say thank you for this day, even though still heart broken thankful for the new day that is.  

This loss may be different but once loss of a life of your one true love has happened the loss all over again is as though it opens wounds that have been healing.  To the love of my life now my angel I pray to, also to God I pray in silence I let go of why to move to see what exactly will flourish in the new of the end.  This will not stop me to close my heart, love is love and love for ourselves and love of another is what we can never deny only if it is for a little.  Broken hearts have always a way to mend, that in time as just before you will look back to smile in all the beauty you have seen in the end that became a beginning for room for all new blessings to come in.  

I miss him, I love him , he was my first after losing the love of my life so all over again he is my first love of love after death.  I'll pray each and every day in time as soon as the darkness and tears fade I will see my new beginning, the blessings and light so bright it fills my all with warmth.  For a widow to love again is a rebirth yet nothing is ever promised forever, as a widow opening up to love again we have to understand we have the strength of our true love with us and forever hugging our soul, leading us to love and more love that they are not ever there to see nor want us be in hurt and darkness. 

It is different the guidance of their forever love for us sometimes may hurt us but through it we see their lessons, their direction, their reason.  Also as a mother I do believe for her I have to be the strength to show her that we never ever give up and will always have the strength to get up over and over again.  However as a widow we are still women,  we are still human and a heartache is a heartache as it would be to someone who has never lost their true love to death.  

I just think in it is a tad difference due to opening your heart again that thought could never do and yet to be heartbroken yet again in saying goodbye to the one you loved when you thought you never could of, but I say to that although it was ended in it you find "wow I can love again, differently but yes I can love again and feel happiness with another".  

To the man who broke my heart well I say thank you, thank you for opening my heart, for letting me feel love I thought I'd never again, to him I will forever have a piece of my heart where he lays.  For him I learned lessons of a lifetime, that to never ever give your all and believe a man is a reason to your happiness, that to never let someone have so much power over you that you feel you cannot live without them. 

Bitter yet sweet is what I feel, tears still fall, darkness is around yet as before I will stare that in the eye to know this is my breaking to new beginnings of my life for better to come in, to become more and more of the person I need to become.  I will not deny right now I am scared, scared to fail again, scared to be able to find another, yet at the same time I will look to the bright side to take time to love being by myself and love me and my own company.  

I'll take my time to show my little girl heartache may be pain but in heartache lays pure love and opening of growth and all new to be too excited to feel that pain, to be excited to know in all endings as sad as it may be on the other side it is a blessing of growth and knowledge to you to know that there is not anything you cannot get through with the belief you can and will.  To see in all change is discomfort but if forever run away from not wanting to feel it we will forever stay the same person trapped without growth, love, dreams and purpose.  In every heart wrenching break lays the new waiting to heal your heart.

So to the man I loved and loved again after losing the love of my life thank you for proving to me you could never be that pain I once felt when my life was taken away from me and ended as I said goodbye to my one and only true love.  Thank you for breaking me because in the break the shine will come through soon enough.  Thank you for showing me I do not ever need to feel as I need a man to have so much power over me to feel I cannot live with out them.  Thank you for showing me just how fierce, powerful and so full of love that I am, that I have so much love that not even you could break me in thinking I could never again.

Your Crap but in the best way possible,  lessons, tears and knowledge no matter how much it stinks.

You Loved me back to life to see that I could love again, you were my lesson not my life and that to all LOVE can break you to stay broke or you choose it to make you.

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Change is your Rainbow

So through so much change that has been happening in such a fast paced whirlwind the last three months I smile in such gratitude and can never be so proud of a mommy I am today.  Yet through these strong, powerful, heart wrenching changes none of it was easy, none I thought we would get through.  That's just it if you tell yourself "its impossible" you will always be afraid of the hard work that lies ahead of your life in the dark, hiding from the change that wants you to be for the brighter.  

My little girl has been home schooled by me for four years, after her father had passed away the feeling to me in my heart was to grab onto all I had left and thought that in my heart it be good for us to have this time together, however for many reasons I knew later it was the fear of not being able to let go.  I started to feel it was not in my heart to keep on like this, sleeping schedule messed up, my daughter was with me 24/7 , that simple things I noticed were no longer, that woke me up loudly,  started me to take all the strength in my heart to realize the hard change that needed to be changed, for the love of us both, to look up and think how her dad would want the same as I felt in my heart.  

After hard, challenging, heart wrenching change, and many falling downs we worked through the change each and every day through the summer for our high rising moment of REAL school to come into our lives, it was not jut real school, it was literally my little girl getting use to everything, going outside, making friends, getting up early, having a schedule, not being afraid of going in the car, the little things that may seem so simple that she was so out of touch with just by simply being in a world she forgot was around her. 

Something so simple this may sound but to know what struggles my little girl had to face no words can ever explain just how bright my heart beam in seeing her take those hard times and fears and face them each and every day.  After many opinions of counselors and psychiatrists the diagnoses was as my heart had known for far too long but afraid to change, her an I had become into a trap of being together too much that we fell into a trap we never wanted to get out in the thought of it being our security blanket.

Once I realized just how much this affected my little girl I knew it was time as the mom to take the lead and show her that change is not fear, change is making your life full of dreams and doors opening all around, it's about freeing yourself from the fear of dark making you crippled to take the one baby step of all you need to let go of the fear and embrace the grace.  The summer felt so helpless in moments we would never make it, however that vision of believing and knowing how it could be is what kept us getting back up each time and being the tough cookies her father always told us we were.  

I literally could not breathe in thinking of letting her go, I cried many tears, was literally knocked down I felt for the count, however by the grace of God, the love of my husband passed I looked to our little girl in wanting the best life she deserves, that we deserve and I knew the rut we got caught in was not it.  As time went on things unraveled before my eyes so quickly, my little girl was spreading her wings getting ready to soar.  From just that little baby step out the snowballing effect came so fast taking my breath away, looking to my little girl in such gratitude and oh so proud of her.  

Grief sometimes, or any kind of fears can keep us back from the greatest things that we miss out in fear of the greatest moment to our life in the being caught up in being afraid to face our fear, our change, to not ever ignore change because if it is knocking it is not knocking for no reason it is a sign that something great is trying to get your attention.  Being a mom I take such deep compassion in wanting all the best for my little girl, that on her own I want her to know the real life and know an be her own little young lady and be all that she can be, to dream her own dreams, I wanted her to grow and my heart whispers told me holding on was not the way to let her grow to become the beautiful young lady and great bright light she is by keeping her close to me and holding on tight.  

Now I smile so proudly, so grateful, to see her become her own person each day as she faces her fears as she steps out the door each day to conquer her day.  To see her be on her own in real school and also seeing in the letting go I had feared so much is truly really where our next chapter has been waiting for us for far too long, to see her shine, that her shine is seen in others,  they to can see that shine.   I praise with thanks that God touched our lives in strength and love to pick us up as we fell down an not once doubted we could not handle what we were going through.  

I see my little girl and know now that changes no matter how feared are the whisper from your heart letting you know it is time to take the step,  walk strong for the more greatness that awaits your bravery.  It is not about just going to school it is about seeing the brightness of our future in the reflection of the change we face no matter what, no matter what fear lays in it.  

Its the over flowing emotion you feel that there is not anything you cannot do, that the more you change the more you want, that the light becomes brighter and everything you see around is pure beauty and that the life you vision so full of grace, love, dreams coming true, abundance, gratitude, the more you want to live your days to the fullest and fullest and fullest, it is where you understand you are strong enough, you are brave enough, you can be and do what you choose to be, you just have to grab that change and walk strong through it all no matter how many times you fall, you cry, you feel you can't, you just CAN.

I spoke to a grief Counselor today that made me feel so grateful for what I have in my heart, through these amazing mile stones my little girl had a down day and it took a lot to get it out of her but from her heart to mine she had told me "I miss Daddy", and then I had went back to the day before she was going to school an how heavy my heart was in knowing he was not here in the flesh to see his smile in what his little girl has so strongly worked to get to, that I looked to in understanding just as I do in times of great moments happening her heart goes through it as well.  So I thought hard of what to do to help ease her heart, I spoke to her that "her Daddy cannot be seen but he always sees what she does, that he is always with her and knows, that he is always with her keeping her safe and loving her, I told her that it is ok to feel the way she is feeling because more days are going to happen through every proud moment she goes through in life but close her eyes and know her Daddy sees and knows exactly what she is doing and is oh so proud of his little girl".

After that she smiled and that broke the silence of her thinking that it is ok, that she does not have to be afraid to make me sad that we can be sad together and do something together to ease our time of missing his presence here.  So that night she cut a heart out of paper all on her own, wrote "I love you Daddy" and we both lit a candle together and placed the heart under the candle, she looked to me and I could see in her eyes the pain yet again was behind us, that she had the sparkle in her eye of a bright life, that not anything is not doable, that in me she will always be able to find her Dads love an support to whatever it is she needed.

The next day after picking her up from school we both went to a store to pick up a balloon of her daddies favorite color, and words on it that said "I love you".  When we got home we took the heart she had made, tied it to the balloon when out in the bright beautiful sunshine and before letting it go she said "I love you Daddy", she smiled just as bright as the sun when she watched the balloon rise to the bluest sky and said "Daddy will get that".  I smiled so proud because in moments of hurt such bright rainbows shine through that lift that pain yet again through the hard steps of every day you face in grief of a loss hard to the life we grow in to together knowing the loss of the presence that once was.

In DEDICATION to this blog I would like to thank Bryan Chadwick, the man who showed me I can love again, that there are many rooms in your heart for love, they may be different but they are there, that people are put in your life for reason not coincidence, for his support, his love, his forever grace of always reminding us we can do it, his unconditional love of accepting not only my love but my daughter as well, for his undying belief in us that never strayed.  Also to my little girls BFF Sariah for helping her come out of her shell, and to the forever loving solid support in our lives that surround us every day we wake.  Change is how you perceive it, you can see it as something that will keep you stuck in the dark in fear of it, or you can walk strongly through it through the ups,  downs and knock downs, yet never losing sight in the blessings of all you want it to be and more.  Don't let go of you, change is always around because it is the way we grow and spread our wings and fly like we have always had in us.

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