Healing Surprises

The other day was the normal typical day, errands to run, many things to do yet inside of me I felt I just wanted to stay wrapped up,  comfy,  under the covers.  Like many we all just want to stay in to relax and just be.  For me it took all of me to motivate myself to get going, for me going out is sometimes harder for me then your typical person.  Some days I feel it takes all of me to push myself out that door.  For some I am sure you can relate.  Sometimes we get so caught up in wanting the quiet comfort of our home that going out is not something that strikes us to be intriguing, not all days but on some,  it is usually the some days it happens.

Not remembering that I had called in for an order for some things for my daughter for Christmas I received a call letting me know my parcels were in, that's when I remembered "ah yes I remember that now".  That right then was when I felt "really?, I don't want to go out, maybe I will do it tomorrow".  Then as always I had the fight within my head "yes do it you need to, don't be a procrastinator, just get out and do it to get it done, after all it is for my little girl". 

So fighting the feeling I kicked myself to get ready to just do it, suck it up and just do it, on these days I am sure you all know the feeling where it just takes all of you to get out to do what you don't want.  In grieving I do know that some days your heart is just not ready for the outside world, that some days you just want your comfort of home, to just stay within your limits.  Yet each time you get yourself to get out there you claim more and more of your strength, you understand after that your so very grateful you did do it, that even though as hard as it was to do your so happy that you did.  It's about pushing yourself to see in the end "oh yes I can do it, I can get out to see that it does make me feel better".  It is all just a matter of getting to where you need to be, once your there your heart beams so much joy, all of you is thankful you did do it, that you did fight to get out there.

Almost every time that you fight the big fight you will see that you win, that through it you will also find great rewards to you, to your life.  It is in the struggle we find our strength, we find that it is within us to win over all the negative we feel.  It is always easy to just let go, to let the stronger emotion take over, yet it is the fight that you want to have because in that fight our greatest rewards hide in.  For me it was something so simple yet in my mind it was a huge struggle to get to.  Not even realising what the biggest reward would be, not even thinking that through the struggle would be a huge blessing to me, to my heart, to my mind.  It is within these blessings that surprise us so quickly that life just kicked it up a notch so much more, it is in our hearts we feel pure joy, it is in our whole body we feel absolute happiness.

It amazes me just how life is, that within something not even thought of that it is something to surprise us out of the blue, something not even thought of, not even considered.  It is with in those surprises that touch our hearts deeply to help us understand, to make us smile to feel such over joying bliss.  So on this day I was not liking it at all, I was fussing along with ranting and raving I had to be out when I didn't want to that soon after it turned into my bright light to another piece of my puzzle coming together.  It was a AHA EXPERIENCE.  I am very sure all grieving know of this feeling, in the little moments when you recognise in little things the pain no longer is there.

Like the stitching in the heart above, it is little by little our hearts mend, yet through the things we do we actually feel it mending, we feel the warmth of things back in our hearts, stitch by stitch we feel it is different, the little stitches stitching out the pain.  Then we stop to pause to think of what it was that just happened to find our self in awe how surprisingly it has crept up on us.  These moments to me are priceless, they are the moments I truly feel so blessed.

So many are too caught up in the thought things will never get better that they forget that things ALWAYS GET BETTER, that when they do they get better it is even better then it ever was. 

I was saying just the other day that a little something I have noticed was on each month I don't constantly worry like I use to of the day my husband passed away, I don't dwell on it coming, it comes as well as goes yet the pain is not there like it was before.  This to me was something huge, it was proof to my eyes that my heart was on its way to a mends.

It is really when we relax from all the hurt we see all the little things that are no longer, if we keep our minds in the pain we will never see the little to big progress that we have made.  Once we start to take notice our hearts beam, our light shines brighter.  That is how we take the darkness to brightness, we beam in our accomplishments to understand "yes I can do this".

So just the other day when I fought so hard to do what I had to do I remember walking in the store to feel a feeling that I have never felt in so long.  I remember feeling the happiness, the beauty, the love, that I once have so long ago.  It was in that moment I understood that Christmas was being embraced by me, by my heart.  I noticed I could think of it to not feel such horrendous pain as I have before.  In those seconds I was in awe, I took it all in to smile as big as the sky to notice that my heart was yet again just a little more mended.  That the opening was yet a little bit smaller.  The feeling like no other to feel what I felt is something I will always remember.  It is as though my heart was being hugged from my husband passed.

NOTE TO ALL:  So it may take a life time yet our hearts stitch by stitch will get better, that little by little our heart feels better, that through the pain we have to stop to see the little things our hearts feel for the better.  It is through the feeling of great bliss our hearts are telling us yes you are getting better, that we will make it through.  Through it all we take huge pride in knowing that these feelings of greatness still do remain, that they never really left, that the pain is the shield of keeping it away.

 



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Even after you made it through the first significant moments

So even after making it through the first year of all holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, it has come to my attention that going through it all again will be just as hard as the first time around, if not a little harder.  Not to say this to scare all that grieves, yet to give a heads up so when your dealt with the strong emotions you will know that it is not you going crazy, it wont feel as though you are not doing all you need properly.  As I sit back thinking of my husband passed Birthday approaching I feel emotions that are very strong, for a second I feel something is wrong, something is not right, I should not feel like this even after a year, well that is where all of us grieving go wrong, there is no right, there is no wrong, there is no limits to grieving as well as to your emotions.  As I thought of things one thing came to mind, during the first year of all these significant days I realised that the timing is so soon, some may be in the state of shock, numbness,  that making it through these days makes it easier for us, understanding the second time around that could very well be the reason why felt so hard, the numbness, denial, fog,  has all lifted leaving us to completely feel it all.

So to all the next time around I say be easy with yourself, don't make it any harder to go through by worrying how bad the pain still feels, know in your heart that it is OK and that pain will lead to your grief releasing a little out of you in to the air, cherish the day, remember your good times, pay tribute to your love, understand in your heart that on this day there are no rules, no judging, it is a day to just feel, to celebrate, to love.  If for some reason you find yourself comparing to last time around, change that thought to understand that back then you were not truly feeling it all, that in some ways you wore an Armour.  Just know that no matter what you may feel that it is OK, that maybe next year it will be the same, yet it is ours to own, to accept, to come to peace with and just let it be. 

Last year I was so proud of myself, I was happy how I payed tribute to my husband passed, celebrating his life, eating cake, balloons let go in to the sky, doing all of his favourite things, making it through the day was enough.  Looking back I see that most of us will automatically feel "well since we made it through that year the next should be easier", do not put a limit on it, if it is it is, if not that is OK to.  It is most likely it won't be easier that is what we have to understand, if it is not its OK, we all will make it through it, by the end of the day smile knowing you made it through another year, be easy on you along with your heart.  The only thing that matters is you reflect on good thoughts, good times, feel that special love that you shared with your loved ones passed, celebrate that love, look up and smile to the clouds.

I want all to know that what ever it is you feel it is OK, that we all are different, that no matter what it is for you to feel it, if people around you say different it is not for them to say, it is your grief, it was your life, how you feel is not no one Else's business to judge.  Sometimes those who do not go through losing someone close know not how it feels, that reaching out to us to try to make us feel better comes out in the wrong way.  Listen to your heart to know you are going to be OK, that what you feel is your hearts way of telling you it misses the life that has changed so very much.  It is your hearts way to remind you that the love is there, it still feels the love you shared so strongly with your loved ones passed.  FEEL IT, EMBRACE IT, BE LOVING TO YOURSELF.  On these days it is up to us to do all of what makes us Happy, it is up to us to choose celebrating, that even though many tears are shed there is celebration still happening, celebration of love, celebration of memories, celebration of your loved ones passed life.

This year as last year I know my heart will be celebrating, even through the pain I will celebrate my husband passed life, his love, I will celebrate how grateful I am for his TRUE LOVE that blessed our life.  Balloons, cake, family, cemetery, all his favourite things will all be done.  No matter how many tears that fall my heart will feel the pure joy of his love.  So through this I say through the pain will come joy, smile, hope,love, you will feel it all.  Just be easy on you, no judgement, no stress in thinking its not right to feel the way you do because it is,  always will be.  Baby steps are a must through every second, minute, hour, surround yourself with support as well as love, through it all the blessings of your love will be noticed making the tears turn in to a smile, hope, belief.

There is no easy way to make it through the pain yet through it we see we have made it through, we see that through it all here we still stand, seeing that makes us understand that the strength in us as well as our hearts was always there, we just have to take those little steps to get to the end to know YES WE CAN DO IT, our loved ones passed love bless our hearts in our time of need, it is their love that helps us make it past the pain, it is that love that helps us find our smile.  Their love is to be honoured, after all it was their love that blessed our life to make us so very happy each day they were with us, so why let that pain take that away.  Feel it yet smile through the tears knowing their love is the greatest gift to your life.  That through it all they are with us pushing as much as needed to get us through it, to get us through obstacles we face.  CELEBRATE YOUR LOVE, CELEBRATE THEIR LOVE TO YOU.

The days are tough, maybe some days tougher yet in us all is a strength to find to help us keep moving forward, there is something with in us waiting for us to grab a hold of, our tears are ours to shed, yet in time your heart feels lighter, your heart opens to embrace the good memories, after the rain the sun always shines, so like the sun shine bright to show the world today is the day you celebrate the love of your life that has gifted your heart. 

Our loved ones passed will touch our hearts always, tears will always be, so will pain yet it is in that all we find the beauty, blessings, gifts to our lives, to our hearts.  Moving forward little by little we leave little pieces of the pain behind us.  So remember on all significant days the pain will be, the tears will be but most importantly your hope, belief, love, smile, will always shine brighter then the pain along with tears, your loved ones passed love is a gift, not pain nor tears have a part in that love.

NOTE TO ALL:  Don't lose track of the one most important thing their love is a gift, the pain along with tears take no part in that, so on the days of significance CELEBRATE, LOVE, SMILE, BE PROUD, know in your hearts it is not every person who shared the love we all have had in our life.  Our loved ones passed gifted our hearts, our life it is up to us to keep that gift alive, it is their legacy we need to carry with us out in to the world to share with others, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.  Be easy on you, baby steps, through the little steps the day will soon enough be over, that is when you need to smile and be proud of what it was you made it through.

P.S ALWAYS REMEMBER YOUR HAPPY THOUGHT, HAPPY MOMENT.

IN LOVING MEMORY OF JEAN GUY OUIMET

OCTOBER 21, 1950

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE LOVE OF MY LIFE

OUR LOVE IS FOREVER

 



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Things I know for sure

I am a mother before I am anything else, I strive to be the role model I want my daughter to be as she grows.  From the pain to the happiness I always make sure that through me she will see that nothing in life can keep you down, that through it all no matter where you are you will always be able to conquer the dreams you hold from within you.  That through me she knows there is always hope, that there is always belief, there will always be a light in you no matter how dark.  If anything it is us our child/children look up to every day of the life they live as they grow. 

Through this past year losing my husband has brought out such horrific pain yet it has brought out the gift I have always held inside me that I have been over looking for so long.  It is through this past year I have truly been tested, each as well as every time I have stood up, knowing my daughter deserves to see just what exactly we are capable of in this life we live, for her I want her to see strength, challenges, I want her to see that no matter how dark she will always be able to turn on her own light.  When she looks up to me as her role model I want her to know in her heart there is nothing we can not do in this life, that together we will always be a light shinning brighter then any other light known.  That although we have lost part of our heart that it will always be there, that piece will never leave us, although broken it is in that piece where that special love will always remain, that her father although unseen will forever wrap us in his love, that forever he will be our strength.

So yes I am a mother, I am a dreamer, I am a strong person who knows deep inside just what it is I am here to do, through my husband passed has left me a gift, a gift to share with other broken grieving hearts.  it is his unconditional love that I carry with me out in the world to touch all that I can.  I understand within all of me that dreams are our reality waiting for us to set it free.  I am a woman that strongly holds the love of great light, that through me I can mend as many grieving hearts as needed.  My dreams unfolding happen through this all, writing a book for grieving with Michael Lawrence backed by Scott Lazerson, that just the other day was a dream but as I type it now is a reality.  Becoming a group grief counsellor is happening in the new year, that too has been a long time dream now becoming a reality.  As I type the biggest of all becoming a celebrity blog for the grieving, being able to take this blog to t.v, sounds like a big dream yet in my heart in due time there is not one thing that I can not make my reality.  I always say and know in my heart "I want to be the legacy that mended all the broken grieving hearts" to this day I know my heart, my love is stronger then anything that steps in my way, I know in time as I unveil all of my fears my dreams will be there, these dreams will be there.  That's the funny thing about dreams,  say it out loud to get your words out in to the universe, it will hear you.

A dream that never thought of has presented itself to my life OWNAMBASSADORS, OWNTV, all due to Oprah leading them in to my life, these people were sent into my life at the most perfect of time that typing this still stuns me that just how perfect the timing was, to have these beautiful, bright lights shine through all my darkness is truly what opened my heart to this new world I see, that has always been around me, not noticing due to my own darkness. I believe strongly within my heart that when life sends to you a dream never thought of that it is God sending you his love through others in your time of need.  They say "God never gives you what you can't handle", yes that is the truest of all and is why we are sent the most beautifulest of angels. 

This blog is dedicated to the universe, my words are said out loud, I know in little by little I will unveil my dreams as time goes forward, as I face challenges that lay in front of me, carrying the truest of love with me there will be nothing that can not be done, that through this love I hold to share around me the pieces will naturally come together like a puzzle being done by our very own fingers.  As life continues to go by, we have to understand that in us all we have ever thought of is evolving, no matter how long, how short, it all becomes that one big picture we have envisioned for so long.  No matter who we can not see by our side, that no matter who we have lost they now lay in the universe to bless our dreams, our thoughts, they are not to be seen just felt, they remain with us all along.  This little ole me can change anything she sees fit, the power of your beliefs are unstoppable, the power of your life is stronger then anything you can think of.  Dreams are all around you, in the most strangest of places thought of waiting for you.

So with me I take our love, I move to a life that I have always dreamed of with our beautiful little girl, we move forward to the life we always thought of, yes as we look beside us someone is missing yet we know he really is there, just not to be seen.  I know now that in your pain lays your blessings, in your lows lays your strength teaching you just how strong you have become.  I know in your lowest you build a foundation that can never ever be broken, as high as the clouds.  No matter how low you go there is never any where else to go to but as high as the clouds.  When you feel at your lowest smile knowing that in that low is a little blessing waiting for you to find, allow yourself to open your heart, to feel your love, to use your love.  So I am a mother, yet in the motherhood I've become love, I've become a role model, I've become a woman making her life the best that we could of ever dreamed of. 

Today grief is something all people are speechless about, it is a topic that is voodoo to so many, in due time this little ole me will make that blossom, people will talk freely of it, out loud, no one will feel uncomfortable to speak the words of loss, everyone will understand how it is to be comfortable, to be able to approach those that grieve, grieving is like sex back in the day so hush, hush, but today I make it no longer hush, hush, I will make it as natural as it is to talk about sex.  Little ole me has a vision, yet I know in me there are no obstacles I can not do, I know within me alone that if fought long enough it will be.  Within us all is a person with a special quality to change this world for the better, we just have to reach in us to fight to find it.  I am so proud that in my life my husband passed was a gift to prove to me unconditional love exists, that within him was a gift to gift to my life, to open my heart, mind along with soul to what it was my special quality was to change this world.

So in this life we live there are always something for us to dream of, there are always challenges that make us move from our comfort zones yet it is in that space where we need to be to find little pieces of our dreams, it is in us all to understand that not one person does not possess these little pieces of dreams.  Mothers out there this is a job that is truly like no other, the toughest job we bare yet in us all lays the truest, greatest of role models for our child /children to look up to, to know that through us their life is a shinning light to never be shaded.  Being a mother is truly the one greatest of miracles we carry with us through our entire life, every single day.  Its a blessing to us all to use it with nothing but pure, unconditional love.  Show our child/children that nothing is impossible, show them that love is what needs be in this world.  I say that no matter how big or small dreams are they are ours to happen, they are ours to teach us things in this life we live.  Say it out loud for everyone to hear, let the universe share your words. 

This was all intended to be a biography yet has turned into so much more, this all I can truly say is a piece of my heart, secrets that I have always felt shy to say ALOUD, yet in that fear of speaking out loud I come to realise that it is just that,  a fear, in that fear I know lays my dream, to say out loud uncovers it, fears no longer will take control of my thoughts, tonight I make peace with the fears, I know that in them all pieces of the puzzle to my dream will connect.  Make peace within you to feel nothing but quietness all around, take the stand to boot the fear out for good.  Tonight I type away a little piece of my heart, thoughts that I have never really wanted to say out loud, yet it is in the out loud dreams are being made.  Always speak out loud, keep nothing in silence, no worries of what others may say, feel, think, its not them to be worried about, your life is for you, your special gift is for you no matter what others may think of it.  Always say to anything presented to you that seems over powering "BRING IT ON" not anything over powers your love nor your strength, in that challenge is your lesson in your life you need to be taught.

NOTE TO ALL:  Be the person that you were gifted to be to this world, deep down inside you is someone to change this world for the best, not one person is hollow with out this.  Take your love gifted to you to use it out in the world you are in.  Perhaps through you and your experiences lays a teacher to someone else that crosses your path. 

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Don't Dismiss The Grieving

Often times I have come across lists of things to say to those that grieve, there is no more than one thing on my list, that should be on all lists.  No words are needed to be said, hug them, in silence is the only way.  Those who are grieving just want to know you are there, that you can be there, we want to know that through it all we are loved, that someone does care, no words are needed your love along with a hug is all.  It is too often I have realised just how many will turn their backs not due to not caring but for the fact they do not know the words to say, they do not know how to make it all better.  If you understand that there is nothing to say or do then you will understand that there is nothing uncomfortable about embracing those that grieve.

It is worse to the hearts that grieve to see so many not show anything, to see those familiar faces we loved so much end up no longer there, so as we grieve for our loved ones passed we also grieve for those familiar faces that have turned and walked away.  If you really are there, if you really love those that grieve then no doubt you will find your way to be there for them.  To those uncomfortable, do not be anything but love, no words, not anything will make everything better, being in silence with no words is more powerful then you think.  As someone who grieves I do know that so many will turn away due to being uncomfortable, I also understand it is through it all you find who the true ones are.  My list to what to say to those that grieve is NOTHING, simply stand with them in silence, hug them as well as let them know you care, let them know you love them. 

In the beginning of grief our world is no longer, life as we knew it is no longer, to see others disappear affects our hearts, our thoughts, our process of grieving.  To see so many we trusted, we loved,  turn their cheek has more impact on us that no one can ever realise.  As time goes on we understand that it is the truest of ones that always walk with us on the path as we grieve.  Yet it is in the beginning that support as well as love is the most important, our lives die, to see so many familiar faces no longer hits us with an impact that no words describe.  As we go by we understand that it is OK to see the ones that have left us, we understand the true ones that stand will forever be.  It is through love along with support that helps our grieving hearts start to mend, our pain takes in the love to lift the pain away.  So when your thinking its OK to not to of said nothing you are wrong it is everything that you have not.  Even if you don't walk that path fully with those who grieve, knowing you are still there gives hope, gives love.

I have been blessed to have so many that are still here beside me through my walk of grief yet I still feel the brokenness of those I thought would be that are not.  The lessons in grief are many, the things we become, the things we see, the love that we feel, the true colours that shine through are truly blessings to our lives.  It is through it all you truly see the true colours of life in everything.  Right now through this post I want people to just understand to love, no matter how hard, no matter how difficult just let those in need know you love.  It does not matter if you can not find the words, the silence will tell more then you will ever know.  Let the broken hearted know there is hope, that through you the hope will restore.  Through you the love will never be forgotten, that the love never goes anywhere in pain, through you the grieving know their smile will return. 

The beauty in grieving lays in the hands of the love as well as support that others can give to us all.  Through the love and support we see there is hope, that our darkness fades just a little, it is through it we understand we can get through the days, it is through it we find our strength, we find out that in that lesson us to can still reach out to others as well to help.  A grieving soul should never look around them to see no one, they should always look around to see love, to see faces they have loved in their life for so long still standing with them, even unfamiliar faces that have stood up to walk with them through grief.  Sometimes in life we are presented with people we have never thought of, it is through those people we understand life has a way of always putting someone in our life at a time we most need them.  I am amazed by the people who have been put in my life through this path I am walking in grieving.  It is Gods little blessings to our hearts that we find these people, it is through God they are put in to our life to touch our hearts to help break our pain.

To all grieving hearts that may feel alone, always understand as well as know that you are never alone, if not one familiar face is around you, reach out to those you may not know, it is in the finding anew you will see that you are not alone, sometimes it is in the finding the love you deserve through grief is the truest of blessings in your life.  You will never ever be alone, love will always surround you even if you have to reach out to grab a hold of it, do not ever be afraid to ask for help, do not ever feel you can not ask for help, it is easy, it is part of life to want help.  Know deep in your hearts you are not alone, that no one is ever alone, it may be quiet, it may be dark, yet in it all there will always be someone who will stand with you.  Sometimes you just have to make the noise first before you hear it around you.  So remember these words and say them loudly if need be no matter how hard "I NEED HELP". 

NOTE TO ALL:  Do not ever feel that you can not help those that grieve, or turn away simply due to not knowing what to say, it is in the silence that as well as being there the grieving know you care, your love along with being there lifts our hearts above the pain we feel trapped in.  No matter how uncomfortable face that feeling to fight it, to be there for those you care.  To those that grieve it is in us as well to reach out to people in need no matter how hard our pain is, it is through the loving that we feel the pain less, by helping others we feel nothing but love as well as joy.  I say to all that grieve PRAY, it seems so simple yet it is powerful, it will lift your heart far and above all the pain.  

To all grieving hearts know in your heart in time you will see many come, many go, yet you will see the most important full of love that never left.  Do not let your heart feel for the ones that left, yet only for the ones that have stayed.  Know in your heart that every second gone by will lead to a day you have made it through your pain.  Don't dwell on the negative when so much positive surrounds you in every tear that falls.  In your heart is a gift, your love is the truest of gift that could ever be.  Your loved ones passed love is what carries through your love, their lessons to us is what keeps them with us forever.

 



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Good Thoughts

 

Coming from my own personal experience through grief, it has been the one thing that has lifted me up through all my darkest moments in grief, on the heavy days I had to program my mind over and over again to directly seek the good times, the good thoughts, although in tremendous pain this may seem hard, in time you do it so often that eventually as soon as you feel the pain you go to that thought right away.  I always tell others that speak of tremendous pain that through it each time the pain finds its way to your heart to immediately put in your mind that "happy thought".  Although at first it is so difficult to keep reminding yourself, the more you allow yourself to do it the easier it will come.  If in the beginning it is too painful to think of a happy time with your loved ones passed pick another happy moment , or just simply make one up, being on the beach, something that makes you smile.  Eventually you will see that your happy thought will automatically go to a time you can remember with your loved ones passed, that in that moment it does not hurt to remember it.
 

In that dark place we all go to it is a place where soon enough we turn on our own light, we soon enough know right away where we are headed, we right away click the switch to brighten the dark that was.  Each as well as every time you feel that pain our minds get use to immediately going to that special happy moment that in time our mind knows exactly what to do.  It is not easy, the pain at first over powers our minds, it leaves us surrounded by a fog that never lifts, yet little by little we find that happy moment, even if it is just for a little bit.  Soon enough we find that happy moment quickly, allowing the pain to lift little by little as we find our smile through it.  This is not an easy fix, it is not a way to avoid, it is just simply a way to make a break in all the pain we do feel through grief.  Soon enough we find out that those dark clouds lift, that the clouds seem a little lighter, that our happy moment is our embrace to a smile we thought would never be.  That smile we start seeing more often fills our heart with hope, it shows us we can smile again, that it won't be forever we feel like this. 
 

Find your happy thought and use it, just try to replace it when you feel those bad moments coming on, use it to see that you can smile, you can feel something other then pain.  Use it each as well as every time you feel the pain, soon enough we will automatically, naturally just go there.  In it we see that the pain is there yet we understand that our smile, our good thoughts, our hopes, our feeling good has not gone anywhere for good.  When we see we can feel good through it, we see that it hasn't gone any where we just allowed the pain to take over our happy thoughts.  I did this through my whole entire grieving path I walk, each time I seen I still had my smile and good thoughts, the pain got lighter, a little of it was left behind me.  It is like watching a bad show on TV then flicking the station to a show we like so much to immediately feel excited as well as happy to see it on TV.  Your smile, your happiness, your hopes, your good belly feelings are there they never leave you, you just have to fight more to feel them through the pain.  In this life it is up to us to tell the story, it is up to us to be the hero in our story, we are the ones that make how the out come will be. 
 

Through the darkness find your happy moment to shed light on the darkness to understand all good has not gone any where it is just not seen in the dark.  It is amazing how through such tragic times the most beautifulest of blessings take place leaving you in awe.  Our old life never goes anywhere it just becomes different, we take that love with us through it all, our loved ones passed touch our hearts through it all.  In our happy thoughts the light becomes brighter and brighter, the darkness becomes faint, that soon enough that pain lifts to feel lighter and lighter.  We feel lighter, the world on our shoulders lift to become a path in front of us to all we believe we want to accomplish.  In the start of it all you may not feel this, yet little by little you will see your smile, once you see that smile you know the pain is not stronger then you.  Yes there is no way to get rid of our pain yet there is a way to get that break from it, that soon enough turns in to longer and longer breaks, showing to our hearts that we are not broken we were never broken. 
 

The pain starts to lift through our happy thoughts, it shows our hearts that there is hope, the more we see our happy thoughts the more we see the dark get brighter, the more we find our own way to turn on the lights.  Pain will always be,  yet the strength of it weakens day by day.  Through the toughest of our times we understand in us is enough strength to make it through the seconds, the hours, the days, once we see that we understand "yes we can do it" it may be hard, it may be tough but we can make it through, we start to understand that if we make it through the most painful of things that other things become easier, we see that things we were afraid of are no longer to be afraid of, we find our self finding out just what we are capable of doing in this new life we build. 

My happy moment become a time my husband and I were driving home to stumble across these three furry babies, my husband passed had a heart bigger than this world for animals, he spotted these babies right away and could not stop fast enough, not caring who was behind or who was around lol.  He could not get to them fast enough, I have never seen a skunk so small, here there was these three little puff balls so tiny running around the lawn, so small they stumbled as they walked, the look on my husband passed face was priceless, it was as though in that moment he was back to being a child, the love in his eyes brightened up the night, then once I realised and it clicked in OMG SKUNKS my chicken butt ran across the street lol.  My husband passed did not even flinch, he stood there around them smiling, he looked at them with such love that being sprayed never crossed his mind once.  The little guys thankfully were too small to spray but yet you could see them lifting their butts as well as tails wanting to spray my husband passed but falling each time due to being so brand new. 

I could see in that moment in time my husband passed was in his moment where nothing else existed, his smile, his laugh, his love pierced a feeling in my heart I will never forget, that even typing this makes me feel so full of love as well as puts a smile on my face that never leaves.  Thinking of this moment over powers any pain that I have felt, any pain that tries to invade my heart, to this day it lifts the pain to turn it in to love, it turns it in to my light.  Oh yes I forgot to say my husband passed was crazy enough and so in love with these furry baby skunks he wanted to bring them home, yea we know the ending to that lol. 

NOTE TO ALL:  USE that happy moment, that happy thought through the darkness that surrounds you, even if in the beginning it is something you make up, for me in the beginning the happy thought/moment was nothing to do with my husband passed due to it being too hard to think of, my happy moment in the beginning was a place I always wanted to go to, in my thoughts I imagined a story of how it would be to be there.  In time we exchange that pain to a smile allowing our self to fight the pain, allowing our self to lift some of the pain, we allow our self to understand that we control the pain, the pain does not take away our happiness, we fight the pain to conquer our life, we take back our life by allowing those little breaks that soon become bigger, greater breaks, in those happy moments we find the love never leaves us, our loved ones passed touch our hearts to allow us to find our smile, our hopes, our love.  USE YOUR MOMENT, free your heart, free yourself from the dark and turn on your light.

 



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Part 2 - Facing Each Achievement Rapidly Successful

F-acing E-each A-achievement R-rapidly S-successful

It is not until facing my grief that I have learned what truly turned my life around, it is through my husband passed I learned the lessons of my life.  To of known me then to see me now, no confidence, no hope, no dreams, not feeling good enough, lacking energy to do anything, yet through him I have blossomed into the butterfly I was always meant to be.  Had it not been for him or becoming a mother I would be forever in a cocoon.  Fears I see now are nothing but obstacles in our life we need to face to get out what it is we always ever dreamed of, to go around is the shortcut that leaves you forever unsatisfied.  To neglect the situations in life is giving your dreams up, in each situation a little piece of our dreams lay, leading to your one big dream, dreams.  In all of us that grieve it is not to ignore, it is there to look at right in the eyes to take the climb, it may be far yet in us all lays a strength that no one will ever know just how much until the climb is conquered.  It is through the battle little by little our fears are being defeated slowly unravelling our goals, our dreams, our life.

It was not until I was sitting on my couch being upset as well as shocked thinking how I have put the fear of grief on the back burner I realised what it was as well as what it meant to my life to go face to face with it and start the climb.  Through grief there are many things we fight on a daily basis that hurts us like no other pain yet at the end of the day we see we never stopped facing grief, facing fear in the eyes, we start to notice the endless doors open to us, they open little by little unfolding our goals, our dreams, we understand that through the dark we pull in the light each as well as everyday we walk the walk of grief.  It is not only through the grieving you face your fears, it is through any kind of situations that need to be faced yet to some they go around, they take the shortcut finding they are always going in circles not accomplishing anything.  So fears are not our fears, they are not something to be scared of, they are there waiting for us to take the climb, to meet them half way, it is pieces of your life waiting for you to reach it, to unfold it.

I can not express to you all the beauty, the peace, the dreams, the goals, the beauty of life that came from this year of grief, it absolutely knocks me off my feet in realisation to how my life has changed, how I look to the world, how my heart feels to others that I do not even know, when I look to a stranger I see a piece of me in them, I instantly feel love for them, I realise in them they to fight the fight in making their dreams come true, although it may be different it is still their dream, it is still worth grabbing on to.  When I think of my past my heart smiles in the knowing of now, it smiles to my life and says THANK YOU.  When I look around my heart feels full, life outside looks bright as well as crisp, I smile in knowing this is how it was always suppose to be, the love of my life touched my life to make all of me see how life should be, he is my life lesson, in to the future I will carry him with me.  Through him I will use his lessons to reach outward to others to keep his legacy alive.  Through him I have come to understand to just love, to love those I do not even know, to love unconditionally to those in my life, to smile in knowing life is LOVE. 

Everyone always walks through life afraid, stressed in panic mode due to not seeing things in their life panning out as they need it, it is to release that, let go and understand all of what we dream of will happen, in due time our life will be, it will flow, facing your fears is what needs be to help it along, to get the pieces of the puzzles that are missing, let go of the panic to understand there is nothing to be panicking for, it may not happen exactly how we imagined it yet in its own way it is our goals, achievements, dreams all there unfolding to our one big dream we have always felt in our hearts.  Too much energy is put in to the what if, to just smile, to just walk in your life to love every second is what you need to understand is part of how it should be, to enjoy your baby steps to all of what you dream of, it is in the little the big evolves.  I laugh in knowing now fears are not to be afraid of, it is your life all in little pieces waiting for you to take the challenge, to walk through it, to climb the climb, pulling fear out of it.

I remember a long time ago that I have always felt a huge compassion for psychiatrists due to some of my family struggling with depression as well as myself long ago,  I have always felt in my heart that one day I want to be that person who reaches out to those in need struggling, it was in all of me that I so very desired to do, now to this day it has presented itself to my door, it has come to me, the one thing that all my life I wanted to do has finally knocked on my door, yet it may be in a different way it is still what I have always longed to be, it presented itself in the way of helping people grieve, different, yet still what I have always wanted to do.  I see how in life things do not come when we want it, they come when they need to be in the exact moment they need be.  Writing a book I once thought I could never do is in the works, endless emails of offers I have always dreamed of are barricading my email, yet when I wanted it all so very badly it was silent, now after letting go and trusting it will be,  it all over flows in to my life.  To stress of what it is we want that we don't have is a second wasted in our beautiful life we should be smiling as well as loving.

Ask yourself what it is that makes you brighten up from inward out, take that one thing or perhaps many things use it to fuel your life, use it to push you upward, use it to give you strength in your climb.  Remember fear is not to fear, fear is pieces of your life that need to be accomplished.  Fears are your pieces of the puzzle you need.  Use your light, we all have a light within us, use it to brighten up your life, your story, use it to shine through this whole entire world, be the light we all need to wear sunglasses for to see.  Once you get this, once you see all of this you no longer walk touching ground, you float, your feet never feel rock bottom.  It is up to us to find that in our life, let go to just flow, to just be all of what you are.  Not one person has anything over you, we all got here the exact same way, dreams are not limited they are forever there for everyone who faces the challenges, to those that unfold that fear is our friend, fear is our life pieces.  Grieving has taught me my life lesson, my husband passed has touched my life to see life.  It is through him I have become who I have always needed to be, that I still strive to become.  His life knocked on my door to prove that true love is exactly what life is, what life should be, what everyone needs to be. 

Happiness is not ever what you seek, happiness is what you give to yourself, happiness is how we think,  it is how we program our mind, it will never be what is out of you, around you, so don't seek it just feel it.  This right here is a whole other post lol.  Once we stop seeking it to know it is what we think then everything else comes with it.  Thank you Michael Lawrence for reaching out to me in the most trying time in my life.  This man truly has given so much to just help me see what it was that was right there in front of me, to understand how things are invisible to us if we don't understand that happiness is up to our mind.  Happiness is with in us all it is there for us to take a hold of not letting go.  Like love is life, happiness is life if you let it be. 

My butterfly that visited me every single day I understand now it was telling me a story, it was trying to make me realise that now I have become the butterfly I have always been, the wings have always been there they just needed to be nourished as well as recognised.

NOTE TO ALL:  All of the things in our life we feel are failures or painful are really part of our story that teach us, that brings us to our goals in due time.  Stressing for things not working out are a waste to our life, finding the answer to it is what will lead us to our next step we need, things do not happen for no reason they happen to show us something, they happen to make us pay attention to find out the why.  The fears are not fears to us, they are pieces of our story, our life, they are there to be faced to unfold what it is we have achieved, to show us our dreams.  Things do not happen as we may of visioned them to,  yet still come to our lives as a blessing, it is still our dream just dressed in a different way.  Take that one thing that makes you shine to use it to rise you above all the bad.  Negative people in your life need to be left behind if they can not find the light with in them.  As painful as it is to see that one person is negative that you have to let go in the end it is for good reason.  Never ever walk around your obstacles in life, the shortcut is you denying yourself of a piece of your life.  All bad times will only be as bad as you let it be, that to is part of our life to make us understand where we need to be headed.  Never ever let go of yourself, or your dreams.  Keep climbing,  the hill is only as steep as you make it to be.

 

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Part 1 - Facing Each Achievement Rapidly Successful

F-facing E-each A-achievement R-rapidly S-successful

 

FEARS

 

On the day I sat down to notice what it was I needed to do for myself I remember how it was, it was as though I felt like I have failed myself, that in shock I could not understand how it came about, how I let it get this far?.  It was never about the asking for help, I was not someone who felt shy at all about asking for help, yet here I was finding myself to have to ask for help, yet stunned as to how it got this far.  Through the year I discovered all of me was in full fighter mommy mode, it was in all of me to jump into the role of all out PROTECTOR, to do what ever it was in me I could do to make sure our little girl was strong, to make sure she made it through this all the best way possible.  Not even noticing that in that time I went into total mommy mode today I sit to understand how that is exactly what it was I have done.  As a parent we do so many things not realising sometimes we put our child/children first due to the fact that it is natural instincts to us.  Through it all my whole intentions were driven around to making my little girl well, to be strong for her to heal, for it to be as less painful as I can make it.  Now over a year later I find myself having to deal with my pain, I started to see things that just should not be, I felt as though there were so many issues that were just not right, that should of been at ease by now, I fought with an over whelming feeling of things yet undone. 

The day I decided to reach out was a feeling I could never ever describe, I knew what I had to do yet felt I wanted to just do it all myself, I wanted to just handle it myself, asking for help is never an easy task yet in this life it is a must, it is a part of our life to let people in at times when we need the extra strength.  With in the weeks before there was something inside me whispering "you need to reach out", "you owe it to you now to be better, to get better", "you owe it to your little girl, you owe it to your husband passed".  I just remember the feeling of complete and utter ALONE, the feeling of failure, yet in me I knew it was nothing but the opposite of that, yet in a lot of ways we feel the impact in a horrific way.  Here I was one year later feeling worse then I did less than a year ago, that really caught my attention, you could ask yourself how a gazillion times to never find out the answers.  Sometimes in every ones life you hit the road of needing a hand, you find no other options to it, it does not mean anything except it makes you a stronger person, we are not here to be alone through anything, we often reach out to so many to help,  so why look at it as being weak if we get help?.  Asking for help shows just how much strength you have within you.  We have to erase the thoughts of always needing to do it on our own, sometimes in life we need the love of another, we need the extra hands of love to help lift us up through the obstacles of life we face.

For everyone that is grieving that feels as though they are alone with no options, afraid to take that step, I say to you all to find it within your heart to just say the words "I NEED HELP" it is not a sign of any kind of weakness, it is a sign of strength, it is  a sign of facing your fears.  Grieving is something we must understand that is unpredictable, it is something that always carries with us in our hearts.  It is others that may make you feel as though something is wrong with you due to many reasons, it has nothing to do with others opinions and all to do with your heart.  So much has happened since I have boldly asked for those three words "I need help" that it blows my mind to take notice in it all.  Facing your fears is truly where all of your hopes, dreams, love lays.  Your fears once banished unveil all of everything you have ever envisioned once you have faced it, I truly see now that fears are really not fears, there fears in disguise to all the doors of greatness you ever thought of.  Facing your fears opens the doors one after another, to an endless dream of all your dreams.

On the day of my first meeting for grief, I remember feeling as though it was not even me, I felt as though it was me watching a movie, still not believing that this is where I was at, still not grasping the concept, feeling complete shock, yet all of me felt as though it was where I needed to be.  That whole day was an outer body experience, I remember just feeling blank.  So on the first day it was a one on one session and all of me went fighting as well as kicking.  In this meeting there was a question that took all of me to answer, to keep the tears away was not a battle I won.  I was asked "if I could of had a magic crystal ball to see into the future, would I have done everything I have?, with out hesitation I answered "YES" along with the rush of tears, there was my answer, in any kind of love in this life heartache will follow, it is in this life that LOVE is what we all need, LOVE is what makes our world.  As tough as it may be we all will choose love, not thinking of the heartache, yet just truly fully loving is what we focus on.  What is life with out love?.  We are LOVE.  I remember telling her our story was a real life fairytale love story, sometimes fairy tales do not have a happy ending, specially if it is in real life.  True love however will always last and be forever.  If you are out there feeling hopeless know in your heart the fears you will face are only in disguise to all of your answers, your dreams, your goals.  Reach as far as you can out and just let go, you are not in this world to be alone, you are not here to struggle, you are here to make your story have the out come you feel fit to be.

So through this all after seeing my fears unfold in to the air, I see doors opening that I have always felt in my heart to do, one after another the doors flew open leading me to all of what it was I have ever wanted.  That is when I knew in my heart that your fears are only just in disguise to make you step out of your comfort zone, to feel that beyond there is where you need not to be afraid of.  In grief our life on a daily basis is full of fears, it is through that I understand why it is we find our ways to all of our dreams, our goals, our ambitions, it is through that we truly open up to see everything a whole lot brighter in this life we are living.  In times of great pain this is there, we just have to give time to see it, to feel it, to reach so far in us to grab on to it.  That is most important, FEEL YOUR GRIEF, we all try so hard to hide from it due to knowing we will feel such horrific pain.  It is in all of us to do, just know in your heart that pain is not forever, like the seasons change so does the pain, nothing will ever be forever.

On the day of the group session again I almost wanted to just go somewhere to hide, I went kicking as well as fighting again, I felt the anxiety bursting in me for most of the time I was there.  Yet in it all I come to of met the most beautiful people, in this group layed people of the same hurt, there tears were in tune to all of what I have felt, to me during this time it was as though an instant bond was created.  I looked to each of these people with the greatest of love, I seen me in every single one of them, my heart instantly loved.  It was a very magical moment, once tears were shed you could see in every ones face as though they felt relief, they smiled knowing they really are not alone, that what they feel is not abnormal, they found others to reach out to, to laugh with, to cry with and not feel different.  A pure magical moment in this room happened that no words will ever describe.  Friendships of a lifetime through pain were created, friendships as well as love were formed through each and every one of our fears. 

NOTE TO ALL:  In life to reach the absolute greatness of your life is all there in disguise of your fears.  Fears are not at all something to be afraid of, they are there waiting for you to pull off the covers to reveal your goals, achievements, your dreams.  Every fear you face is a piece of the puzzle being put together to all of what you have ever wanted in your life, your fears are not at all something to be afraid of.  Fears are magical, they are your story waiting to be revealed, waiting to unfold to tell your story.  In grieving the fears are endless, that is why so much happens for the best that we have never noticed before.  Our loved ones passed lay in each and every fear to smile as we uncover them all, to love us in each of those fears.  Feel your grief, in the fear of the greatest pain you will ever feel will unfold to blessings of everything you ever thought of.  I have had so many dreams happen unexpectedly through this that it makes my mind dizzy, that all will be in my next post :), having to see all of this happen only makes me see that FEARS ARE TO BE FACED, it proves that fears are really part of our life in disguise to all of what we wanted in our life.

Part two to this will be next.

 



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