Don't Look Back Your Not Going That Way

Then and now, often times gets combined in your life as you live in the now without any knowledge that you have gone to the past in the now until you one day realize really why you keep circling like you been living the same day over and over again.  You stop in the unsurprisingly fact that you stand in utter shock that you have been choosing the past already gone caught up in trying to be living in the now.  You see things of the past that you want in your life now, you want all of what you were and what you had in the present that it totally blind sites you to what you been doing for so long until you realize why am I not getting no where? 

That truly is when you stand gasping in utter shock of not believing you never noticed happening for so long.  Yes it is a very common and wide spread issue happening in so many of lives right now.  However once acknowledged, is not a failure to you or your live it is a stepping stone that you have realized and making the choice to move forward to do what you need to live in the present.  I know from experience I often find this happening a lot in life, I look for things that once were to be here in the now, I look to find the way of how I was then that is no longer to only find out that person is no longer of the now, that person left a long time ago and to try to hold on to things of once was only keeps you in a circle that never ends as you live now. 

As a widow starting a new chapter it is easy to want characteristics, personalities, qualities of the person you loved so much to be of the person you want to be with or are with to be that way.  It is crippling to keep holding on to these wishes of wanting in the now because that person will never be again, that person was your past a memory for yourself and heart as you live life now.  There are so many aspects of your life that happened that it is so easy to want to go back, what we need to see is that we have to grow and keeping a hold on what you are, had from the past keeps you unable to grow and move forward to all the little to biggest dreams that wait ahead for you. 

Never have I seen it so much in my life until now, the craving of the past wanting to hold on to so much wanting it to be present still.  This is a daily habit to find yourself having to recognize on a daily basis that you are doing it, that you need to work very hard each and every day recognizing and letting go, the past is no longer,  it is nothing more than a memory, so everyday is a fight on bettering yourself to let go to move forward in understanding each day you work through it you will grow more and more and find your little pieces of dreams, goals and love evolving more and more. 

Sometimes you want to hide out for just a little while, understanding that much so as the greatest of moments vivid in your heart mind and soul are from the past but yet knowing it is crucial to not stay stuck there.  This topic I chose today is because of experience and everyday I try to get my feelings of experience out there in knowing others to may be going through this hardship in the exact time I am as well. 

It is only from personal experience and my heart I base topics on to in hopes to reach at least one person to know they are not alone, to see and in hopes to gain hope and faith that it will not last forever, you can break the habit and break through to step into the now of your life and stay there moving forward.  It is so very easy to fall into habits we carried for so long but like all once we recognize what we are doing it is just the same to fall in the habit everyday to become the better person we see ourselves to be. 

It is quite a miracle to us all that not one of us is bound to be stuck in any of our bad habits we sometime see invisible that we all as a person can be the person we dream we always wanted to be, that not one of us is bound to not be our dream, that in all of us in this world our dream is ours to achieve.  Our habits do not ever keep us stuck if we forever choose to see it, break free of it and continually walk through it. 

To not give up on you is the most important in life, to feel you cannot over come the issues you may face everyday is to say you do not deserve to breathe, if you are here you are here to forever kick the cycle of whatever struggles you may see yourself continually in on a day to day basis but to fight that cycle and change it for the better.  For me I look at it as pinching yourself, often enough your going to feel it and know it hurts to understand that you do not want to pinch yourself no more.

I do not say it is not an easy process, however working on you, working on the parts of you that you want to change is definitely a everyday process, routine once you get to know and see it and want to address it, life period is not easy and that as well is what makes us all a stronger growing person to become who we are suppose to be, who dreamed we want to be, to be where we dream to be.  Yes it's long, times are dark yet through the pushing through you see the light little by little every step you take forward.

At times there may be so many things within you that you feel you want to make better for yourself that it may feel impossible but as I always say what does it really say in IMPOSSIBLE, IM POSSIBLE.  To know in due time you will get through all you see and know deep within that you feel to change will be every day as you work through it and constantly address it and understand why asking yourself how can I change this?  Why do I want to change this?  Does this need to be changed or can I surrender to it and let that rest

We are not perfect but most definitely a work in progress every single day we step out of our bed to thank God for a brand new day again.  That alone is enough to breathe life so strong into your veins to conquer all that you feel you need to that day.  Be you do not try to fit in another's life, choose always to be you and fit into you and only you always. 

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Five Year Marker Bliss

It was a usual everyday kind of day, routine alarm piercing your ear with the refusal of not wanting to wake, the tiredness that takes over your whole being of wanting to just stay and be warm under your comfort zone of blankets, the sound of a child not happy as well as having to wake to start a new day at school.  Chaos creeks in taking your breath away as you fly around to do all that is needed to get out the door to be on time.  Have you ever felt as though mornings need to be slowed down?, that perhaps one day it be nice to be in slow motion and enjoy being grateful for given another day? 

Today was a marking point for me but through out this day it never once occurred to me or was realized, even after all the chaos still in my silence this marking point in my life was not recalled as I sat and enjoyed the morning in silence listening to all noises around me and the sunlight beaming warmly off my cheeks.  Perhaps that was it, really I do not know what fogged me this day to not remembering, the beauty of peace, the chaos all questions I recall and cannot be answered.  I sat there though, I sat there knowing surrounded by all natures beauty your love was with me in every part I looked yet still I sat unaware of this day, the day every month that I use to know was here, the day of the time that ripped all of me open over and over again, however today was not that way. 

So the day unrecognized was the five year marker since you left this world to become our angel forever with us in silence.  I gasped as I could not believe that on this day not once did it occur to me that it has been five years, feeling guilty I shed tears yet I believe that you come fully into a person that for so long suffered in remembering the bad you take that part away to remember the greatest memories, that in your whole being in time day by day you come to a part of you that remembering the special days, the special memories that you understand for the person  you start to fully live for them and yourself to let go of the pain, you remember them as you always wanted to full of love and smiles, that on the year to year marks you start to come into a person who fully understands it is not about losing its about seeing that love in you and around you. 

For me I truly believe you start to evolve in living for not only yourself but for the ones you lost, that in some point in your grieving you evolve into this magical person who stands strong and understands to not dwell on the bad to celebrate the love and even though on that day of another year passed you may forgot for a little of what it was that happened that day you look around to feel love, so don't feel guilty, don't cry in sadness know that it is all of you evolving to the person your loved one wants to see you as "Happy", living life for them as they reside in you and love resides all around you. 

I actual sigh in relief that I understand on the yearly markers that the pain don't lead me our love and greatest memories do shinning bright down on me and in my heart.  So as the chaos of morning started unknowingly I slowed myself down without realizing it was the day you left us.   I sat in peace and love and beautiful sunlight as though that was your gift shinning down to me not realizing or thinking of any pain of that dreadful day just sitting and taking in the world and all its love. 

After an amount of time we as a person become evolved in our emotions and knowledge of just what it was and what we need to do that these times become bitter sweet to us, that we may not dwell on it but instead we bask ourselves in life for the ones we lost. 

That day I remember the bluest of sky, the warmth of the sun, the butterflies flying above my front lawn, the robins bathing in the grass, all beauty that touched my all with nothing but pure love, the love that has been blessed upon me by my husband passed, all of what I felt that day is how I felt everyday in our love, to me that was a special gift that day, a day that I may have forgotten but a gift of beauty that put a smile on my face as though it was meant to be that way. 

As I walked home from getting our little girl off to school after the chaos of morning routine, still unknown of the five year marker I looked up and remember seeing the fluffiest white cloud I have ever seen and smiled, walking more all natures life that morning felt more vibrant more outstanding than ever before, so as I sat later remembering what day it was as I felt guilty I remembered the day and just how different it was in a beautiful way.  To me that was a sign that it was definitely meant to be that way, a celebration of love, a love so strong that nature even recognized it.

Yes the missing of the person is there but the love around you is stronger leading you to know that even though not seen that person you love so much will always remind you they are all around you.  That in a moment of time of need you are gifted to so much love all around you as a gift to you saying today may of been forgotten to tell you to just stop counting and live, live for you, live for me and see me all around you in everything you see, and know that love is always with you no matter what you forget, that the best memories are the good memories and that all that matters most.

So I say look up, breath and close your eyes to know all around you everything in nature dances full of your love, that in all that is your love.

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Anxiety Does Not Discriminate

Coming from a very personal part of our life and as I say "our" I mean my daughter and I, as I say "our" it disheartens me to even have to include my little girl in that one word.  Usually in that just one word usually comes a story of happiness, smiles, something that excites your whole being as well as lightening the room. 

However this "our" is a "our" that may seem at times to put a frown on your face, or a time you may feel sad or sorry for what you read, that is not at all as I see it nor want you to.  I share my emotions and rollercoaster post in hopes to come out of this strong and a beacon of light shed to others to understand and learn whatever they can out of this all.  I say it proud to touch hearts to be bold and let all know this is not a subject no longer to be silent about, to be embarrassed about, to feel you are left in back of the shadows in darkness afraid to come out. 

I do know myself it was frightening, it was embarrassing, I felt alone, ashamed, all feelings that should never touch a person suffering due to "society", or "societies" view of what you deal with on a daily basis looking and feeling to it as though a weakness.  I come from a very strong line of beautiful ladies who all dealt with this sickness, not one time have I seen all these women as weakness due to what they bared in their own darkness due to the fact of what others feel of the problem that affects so many but stay alone in the dark afraid to come out into the light to understand what they go through strengthens them, ignoring the opinion of society or what others may feel or say. 

So the elephant in the room that name has been nameless is called "Anxiety".  Have you rolled your eyes?  Have you immediately stopped reading?  Have you heard a little voice in your head saying "yea right that is not a sickness?  not a "real" problem, issue, health condition?  Well nae Sayers out there sorry to be so blunt but there are as of any other issues their are those out there that do feel certain ways towards real issues simply because they have not encountered what someone is and has gone through, simply just because of that there are so many that suffer in silence due to being looked at as " odd, selfless, weak, made up problem", simply just different"   and those uneducated are those that keep many in their darkness in the time they need light, hope, love. 

I blog of this now because it hit close to home, very close to home, I type this in hopes for others to give up the darkness, embarrassment, being afraid to come out and own their strength that so many believe is a weakness.  Two years after my husband had passed I struggled in shame and stayed in my darkness due to the view and shadiness of opinions and societies views not wanting to say a word to a soul as I lay so many nights as well as days feeling as though I may die, the panic that invades your whole being leaving you feel afraid so afraid you are crippled to the regular littlest things you need and use to do in life.  Going outside, it literally rips you of everything you felt so confident of doing before leaving you breathless as you lay in the tears of fear of "why is this happening?  Am I dying?  Am I the only one?  you just want answers but you get none as you lay in a world that resides of just you as you hide all that you go through from the eyes of others in utter shame. 

I was lucky as others right now still reside in that alone world I stood strong after a long year battle of not being able to do this alone on my own and started speaking out loud, I started seeking the love I so dearly needed, prayers, as well as answers to what was happening in my life, in my mind, in my body that I have never felt before.  I came out of that world I resided alone with confidence that I was not the only one that felt or went through all that was happening, just as I was never alone nor the only one that suffered with grief.  You see it has taken me three years to post this out there for all to see but as I look around to so many it breaks my being to keep quiet in knowing so many are suffering. 

Have you ever looked to the list that seems endless to the symptoms of anxiety?  you should because its here and its real and it is not to make others feel as though they need to feel ashamed and suffer alone, or even worse take their lives due to the over bearing emotions you feel you may never escape.  Its easy to understand going through your whole life hearing of stories but not being able to identify and shrug it off as someone wanting to seek attention, or figment of their imagination but never say that cannot happen to you and understand even though not been in that persons shoes it is a problem rising all over this world, it is a health issue, it is debilitating and all that on its own is enough for a person to bare along with feeling will be hackled or shunned upon or looked at differently or weak, that is just a few to name as a person suffers the issues that keep them secluded from the life they cannot live, that they feel cannot be lived along with not having support that they need due to not wanting to be shamed coming out and seeking help. 

Again I fall a victim to the shame and embarrassment of what others may say as I once again had to deal with this issue anxiety as it invaded my little girls life.  I cry in knowing as a person who so closely aware of the sickness felt so ashamed to come out and see it in my girl, I seen the signs, the symptoms and kept telling myself "no way it can't be happening to her she is so young, what will other people think?, will they see me as a bad mom?, will they shun upon her and feel as though this is a weakness in a young child that really is not an issue to be dealt with"?    As I struggled knowing she to was in that world alone I stood strong knowing so deeply of the issue that I stood strong for her and reached for her hand as well as help that was needed knowing deeply in my heart that my little girl will not ever feel alone or different for what she was going through, that no matter what she was strong and the person she has always been, that this was a cross road in our life we would get through yet again. 

So I say to everyone anxiety is REAL it is a health issue it an issue in so many lives.   So next time you feel its all just "in your head illusion" or seeking out for attention kind of thing in someone IT IS NOT, it is real and it may be the person you are sitting next to or the person you walk past on the street.  Anxiety leaves a person feeling alone, so lets not keep them there in a world in shadows of darkness and helpless, lets reach out and grab their hands knowing for every heart we touch many more will be reached. 

For me a couple of signs to look for, someone who withdraws all of a sudden from their life activities, simple things that they once use to do that you see no longer, a change in personality,  these two signs are the strongest in a person dealing with anxiety because it is so debilitating to you that things so small of what you use to do is something that you feel can never do again in fear of the symptoms that come with out warning at any time no matter where ever you are.  Like simply going out on the porch of your home, getting the paper, smiling, that person you once saw no longer seen is a question you need to ask yourself "is that person ok?"  ask yourself what or why you no longer see them doing what they have done every day before now. 

I to this day still thrive in understanding I am not any less of a person I was before this and now as a mother look to my little girl to gain my strength to show her it is not a burden, it does not make us less than anything at all it is something we will walk through, get through together, it is not weakness it is strengthen us more and more as we pave our way.  Sometimes I look to my little girl and cry yet at the same time I understand that this is not failure, this is something that will be faced and fought and shine a light so bright onto others that are in their own world alone in the dark to see the light and know it is nothing to feel ashamed of or as less of a person ever. 

This now that I think of it is a reason I believe in so strongly now than before the word HELLO, saying hello to everyone you walk by to everyone you see, cause now I know so deeply within that everyone may be fighting a battle you know nothing of, that simple word hello is just something that seems so small but something so huge to everyone fighting their battles of life. 

Parents do not look past the signs you feel in your gut are there simply because you are afraid or feel "how others will feel or see your child as"  be the light your child needs and strength they need until they to can come into their own light.  I say this with the strongest of knowledge when your gut tells you something is not right, do not ignore it, push it off or feel embarrassed of the situation deal with it head on right there right then.  We are the love our child looks up to, if we ignore them what do we show them to be to others?.  Anxiety does not discriminate against age.  Anxiety is real and exists, in adults, elderly it is ageless and race less and it is serious.

My daughter and I share "our" now not as something to cry about but a scar that be bared to the world in knowing it is "ours' to bare and share the light because baring our scars is shinning bright for others.  We now know "our" is not a sad story yet a story we strengthen every day and know is not an ending but a beginning to a chapter we will face together and continue to face together.  Through good times and bad anxiety holds no barriers on you once you stand strong and look it in the eye along with casting sunshine onto others dark clouds.

Things that may feel so far away but help you suffering with anxiety, making yourself get out because once you are out that FEAR of anxiety fades and you look around to YES YOU CAN do it, that you are ok that nothing bad is happening to you, that you are not in danger, being outside is the most invigorating step towards fighting the fear of your anxiety that more and more done you in time see YES I can and YES I will, that it does not have to hold me captive, you still feel those symptoms but they lighten, the more you see you can the more you understand you are not a prisoner.  Now you may say "YERA RIGHT" but something so little as well that is the greatest benefactor is BREATHING, deep breaths as you face your symptoms of fear slowly calm your whole being the more done the calm that comes within is a beauty of never before a conquer of all you thought could never feel again.  Just know that this is not a forever situation, that it is not a forever part of your life, in time you will become stronger and move forward baby step at a time.

You are INCREDIBLE show the world truly what you are scars and all

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All The Single Craze

 



You ever find yourself wondering at the most weirdest of hours in the night when you should be sleeping you find yourself in a state of terror and wonder to yourself as you gaze at the ceiling knowing that sleeping is so much more important than thinking of as to why you are here gazing into space in a terror state of mind thinking "oh my gosh, I am single, what if I never meet anyone"?.  Now I know for sure that if I am in bed at the wee hours of the morning in terror of this question that there definitely are others.  So much thought goes into "is it me?", "am I setting off a vibe?". 

 

 

 



It seems we tend to turn that deep dark secret towards our self when in actuality that question shoots both ways.  The fact that we most women are stressing in odd hours of the night should be turned around and asked to ourselves "are there any men out there thinking of this exact question as we do at this time of night with a feeling of as though the ceiling may cave in"?  For me personally the fact that most women I believe stress more than men on this topic is for the purpose of merely setting ourselves up a force field of prolonging the meeting the right man as most would say even longer. 

 

 

 

Have you ever noticed about anything in life the more you stress of something,  the more away you feel from what you are stressing of even when you do not think you are.  It's as though you create a invisible barrier for the positive to break through in the constant negative thoughts of always wondering if the problem of anything you stress of is because of you.  I say drop the stress and wear your dress, love you, be comfortable and content in the space of being with you alone, laugh, smile, know in you that you are love, beautiful, and worthy of the greatest you always thought you deserved, that even though single that is just a word and being single don't mean you can't,  it just means your waiting and not settling for less. 

 



I remember in my late nights of stressing this "single dilemma" I would write, write of what it was I was thinking and write what it was I can imagine in another partner.  Qualities, characteristics, anything and everything you could of thought of as you felt a frantic attack come over you as you pondered the thought you'd never find that special someone.  However I do believe having another in your life does not make you a whole person, that you are whole on your own, the companionship to just have someone to laugh with and share your dreams with and give love is very special, to know what we can give takes all to another level. 

 



Yet as a single we have to know that it is ok, to be comfortable in our own skin, to love ourselves, before another can just for the pure fact that if we love all of ourselves we will then be guaranteed that the bar we set will most definitely be met but only after we drop that stress and wear our dress and conquer our world in the now with no thoughts of what if or into the future we know is unknown for now.  You don't like the drop the stress, wear a dress then drop the stress and no hot mess. 

 



A worldly topic that you look for to grasp so many answers,  yet to each and every opinion comes totally different answers, it just means that to the answer "why am I single"?, there really is no clear true one answer.  To look into yourself and know that the deeper of thought along with thinking secretly creates the prolonging of the coming into your life.  Positive you, with no stress opens a world wind of all to come at the moment of your surprise, out of the blue when noticing you have dropped the stress of the question and let go of the answer, to see in front of you to a total shock to your life your answer has stepped into your life.

Fact:  No stress + Set Free = Letting it IN

 

 

 

 

 



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Dance/Sing like No One is Watching

Well today I had to stop to laugh about my choices of songs always stuck in my head, "Feel Like Making Love", as well as "Lets Get It On".  That got me to thinking well is there something wrong with the songs stuck in my head?, to start thinking of that taboo "sex" word that should always be kept in silence, thinking of have we really as a society grew away from those olden days where "sex" was taboo?, and too even sing about it in public is a greater taboo to you as well as something bad as a person for always having those special tunes singing bliss in my head that makes me smile and laugh every time. 

 

 

 

I think to myself if it makes you laugh and reach beyond the stresses of life than who and what is it hurting.  As I look around to the rush of the world I say to myself "these people need to stop and break out a tune and dance" after all it is easing the level of stress in you as well as around you as someone watches to smile, as well as laugh and has others thinking "hey maybe life is to serious all the time", to get them to break a move and sing something out loud always stuck in their head as well. 

After all we almost always hear and see "LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE" so take that and make another laugh by your outrageous brake outs of songs stuck in your head.  I am thinking if your showing others that sometimes just sometimes serious needs to be kicked to the curb for just a little while, a whole lot of us would be much happier, deep breathing people, even if it is of the taboo "sex" kind of tunes.

 

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~LULU~ Behind the Puppy Dog Eyes

 

I dislike that I can say that in a short period of time that I have been learning the different arrays of grief that come to your life from my husband, my father and now the four legged human kind, as I would like to call them, fur babies.  To each their own I am finally noticing that each holds a very special gift, blessing and strong hearted message to your life.  I am noticing more now than ever that the saying "people come into your life for reason" is very loud yet when lost heart wrenching yet at the same time through that pain the most powerful of message to your heart and soul is shined upon you. 

It is sad to say that it is not until that person, 4 legged human, child, spouse, friend (etc) is until you find what that blessing has been to you all along, it is as though we have time here with these people in our lives that we cherish the time not ever opening our hearts truly to the great gift and message they are trying to teach us to our lives.  We get so wrapped in just being able to have them in our lives in the flesh we never really take the time to understand truly what it is they are blessing our lives with, what their true calling to your life is trying to speak to your heart.  I never realized this and just how deep it lays in your soul until the third time I had a loss yet again in my life. 

This time to my disbelief it was from our precious four legged human.  It has been always a great dream to me since my husband passed and having to let go of my precious black lab Max that I had always yearned to have a lab puppy in our lives again, knowing it could never replace Max but a precious new beginning for my daughter and I, a fur baby to love and become our family again.

 

This would of never been possible if not for my boyfriend stepping up and agreeing to take care of her while we find our own home to live.  My daughter and I anticipated the day we would take our fur baby home forever, nothing made our hearts beam in knowing that day would be soon.  The day came and gone, many proud walks to school and home, with a pack of kids crowded around in the awe of the puppy dog in the school yard, Lulu (our fur babies name) could of never been so happy to see all the attention around her, tail wagging a mile a minute, smiles from all around as they gazed upon the puppy that did not want to stand still.  Lulu was the spotlight and there was no way out for a long time, every time we went to school with her, Hailey walking so proud knowing "this is my puppy", as so many flocked to her and admired her, proud she most definitely was.

It actually shocked me to see that wherever Lulu went many were mesmerised by her beautiful soul.  I thought it was just me that thought the same thing but thought I was being partial to her because she was our own, yet I truly seen the instant smile she brought to everyone she came into contact with, the instant stress eraser to many you could see in others as it lifted within an instant of her embrace.  Lulu was the definition of what life truly is and how it should be, crazy, fun, joy, unconditional love.   She brought into our lives nothing but pure joy, blessings and love. 

She was the crazy, full of life and energy fur baby I always imagined I wanted in a four legged human.  She truly was everything I imagined for us in a puppy we could love.  Full of life, full of energy, care free and having fun with out a care in the world, I always thought "this is how us as humans should grasp life as".  The paw print she left in our hearts  as well as our lives will never lift, forever it will stay. 

Now at the same time we had Lulu in our lives was a time that there was a rough patch happening within myself, during this time for so many reasons I broke up with my boyfriend, wondering every day how Lulu was?, knowing my boyfriend was the world to Lulu so how could I take that away from her?, the constant conflict of not knowing how to handle the situation, yet at the same time my heart shouting to me that the choice I made was not the right one, that losing him was not truly what I wanted to do.   

In those five days is truly where I started to notice "you never know what you got until its gone" was truly about, yet he was not gone,  he was still here in the flesh, this was when I realized how all people should understand and look to every person in their lives and grasp that hidden gift and message to them and their lives, to not wait until they have left this world to understand what it is they are trying to gift you with, so that in their time here with you the more you can take all of them in, to truly be grateful for the gift that they are to you and love them purely for what they stand for. 

It is truly an angel in the flesh walking with you in hopes of you catching the blessings they hold for you.  Lulu was the reason I found out truly what my boyfriends gift was to me, she was the tie that bonded us back together, she was the gift into showing me the value of all the people in my life, the gift they bring to me, with out losing and finding out, yet finding out and being that much more grateful to them for what they all are to me now while still here with me in this world. 

My husband passed message was so many yet I never truly embraced his gift to me until gone, yet in that finding out that brings you out of the pain that feels will never go, you find your smile in knowing just exactly what they were to you, what gift they been trying to give you all the while you never noticed due to just living life and loving that they are in your world.  My father he to brought so much gifts into my life, yet again not until he was on his last breath I fully embraced his gift and to this day forward I still am. 

Lulu now Lulu she was an angel, however I do believe all animals are angels on earth with the unconditional love they carry for you every single day no matter what.  Lulu was a huge gift and great message to our lives, she taught us no matter how bad of a day you are having her craziness, energy, and carefree love for life could take all that bad day away in a heart beat.  No matter how bad or how down I felt that day seeing here instantly erased all of it, she was the bond that showed my boyfriend, daughter and I to love and just be together, that we belonged together no matter what others said or thought.  She truly showed my boyfriend how it was to love unconditionally, she was our crazy glue that showed us togetherness was greater than separation. 

She touched the hearts of so many that did not even know her, Lulu was definitely an angel of love that was here to lift the burden of anything that person carried that she crossed paths with in her life, to show humans to not take life so seriously and have fun.  Now this is where I truly understand from humans to four legged humans that there is no difference in the heart pains of the loss. 

The day I found out she was no longer here on earth are words of pain and tears of ache that still linger I could never describe, that to lose a fur baby is just the same as losing a loved one, that day I found out she had passed away was the day I found out that in the loss of an animal is no different then the loss of a human, is felt in the heart just the same, the gift in that pain is their gift to you to find through the tears and loss. 

Lulu was our unconditional love, togetherness, lesson learned to never take life so seriously, to be energy, to be care free and most of all that its ok TO BE CRAZY FUN, yet the most valuable to always love unconditional no matter what, to embrace the lives of strangers even though you don't know them and try with all you have to lift their burdens of the day that they may have.  She was here for a short time but the impact of her will be with us for a life time. 

It is truly a miracle when you are able to feel the love of that spirit in you, around and to fully take it all in, I felt her love for the first time the other day, her presence in me and smiled as I could feel her joy for life all around me and in my heart as if to say to me "I may not be visible but always will I be invisible in spirit with you, to remind you what exactly I was in your life to teach you".  Lulu will forever be in our lives not visible but in love, spirit and the ties of love we share with each other.

LULU2 is yet to be on the way, we know nothing will never replace Lulu but we also know that the gift it is to fully embrace the love of another, to not fear the loss yet enjoy the present moment and bare the gifts of having a fur baby in our lives yet again, to honor Lulu in knowing giving all the love you can to a fur baby is a great gift to their life and yours as well, a forever home and heart full of love.

IN DEDICATION TO OUR BELOVED LULU ~FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS~

P.S This blog had me in tears from the very first word I typed, yet at the same time a smile in knowing just how powerful our little angel was to us and life.

 

 

 

 



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Happy Never Ending

It's a funny little thing in life that when you look to something so dark, so hurtful to all your being that once through it turning around as you shed the pain and the darkness fades you find the power of love through it all, you find the AMAZING GRACE in a total surprise to your every being how once something that hurt you so badly to the core was in all actuality a life time lesson of the greatest of moment to you, a gift behind the dark fogged that lifted as you took each and every hard step forward through it, scared, skeptical, afraid to fall and not get back up to find yourself rising when you felt as though the whole time you were sinking.  

When you feel at your worse know that in that worse if you keep walking you will find the power invested in you to find the greater of good.  It does not ever stop there once you walk through the tears, heartache and pain your so much greater than that great you find through it all there is so much more to find, to walk, to fall down, yet to your life it is of such great worth to know by the power of God he is handing you the more and more you are worth if only you allow yourself to face that pain, that dark, that fear, to acknowledge what is talking to your soul and to not turn cheek to the cries your heart whispers to you, to know in every fail it is not a fail it is a path leading you to you the path you are gently being pushed to.

I wandered life far too long in the shadows of fear to come to understand if you do not move your life does not move, to feel life is against you is a fear in you avoiding the hard you know you have to feel yet again, to accept that your forever challenges, fears and changes are not easy yet growth, miracles and blessings calling your name, that the easy is not ever the way, to understand and bring out to life the things you know that need to be fixed, to say out loud and clear what it is you know you need to be changed for the better and battle that fear to find your forever guiding light through it all is the motivation to never want to stop no matter what you have to face, no matter how many nos you have to hear, know in all the nos, the rejections that it is all a great miracle leading you to the place you are meant to be greater than how you feel it should of been in your mind. 

 

Open your heart fully to address what it is in you that you feel needs to be, the needs of your dreams your purposes, your growth.  I always felt it be lights, camera, action for me, I felt to make an impact I had to just be in the spotlight, far from the truth at hand, my purpose, my dream, had a different direction for me, to fight that leads you forever in a circle finding no way out.  Acknowledging the problems you feel, saying them out loud and facing them is the greatest reward to your heart, mind, soul and life like you never could of imagined it ever be.

I found myself getting turned down interview after interview to stop and listen in my silence to find myself to know to lift up, let go and let God find me and show me my way, he placed me in a place that i'd never would of ever thought be, yet a place as soon as my foot touched ground a place my heart instantly over flowed with joy with an instant of a beat of my heart, I looked back to being a caregiver to my husband when he was sick how hurtful it was to do yet how powerful it was to be a person to love with all my heart and be there for the need of others, to gracefully see now that I was placed in a position of others that are so full of love and light that look to me for my care I seen the bigger picture of how something so painful can so quickly make your heart beam with such over powering love that your dream instantly takes a different vision than you thought how it should of been within a blink of an eye.

  Being a caregiver to my husband passed was yet again his way showing me where my heart and soul was meant to be, to be in service to beautiful souls that need all the love and care that I can give.  To be of service with nothing but heart is my purpose, that is my dream, to love to be where you were so gently placed is something I can never explain strongly in words yet only to feel it to the core of my whole to the tips of my toes is my dream I thought never be, a dream I never thought was there.  Only by surprise and the grace of God to find through all the rejection the nos and forever feeling hopeless, I have found the hope, the love, the dream, the bigger picture.  To care for others as I have been gifted as I have with my husband passed brings tears to my eyes of nothing but absolute love, joy and a forever feeling of walking in the clouds.

You see through the hardest of my times so strongly struggling to find my way I never stopped, even though dreams seemed to fade that dream was a dream that I never opened my heart fully to know, to see, it was a dream of purpose God had instilled in my life that through it with his love and guidance I had to accept and find, no matter how scared, how lost I felt through it all I found my way, God don't ever end your possibilities and things you can do in life or the growth you have in you, he expects and instills the biggest of the biggest in you, that just when you feel it ends after going through all you have already more is on the horizon.   

Yet as scared and tired you may be, there is a force that never lets you fall, you may take a little bit of time to accept that more is there for you in fear and tiredness yet you know why stop now when you know before the great you've got to endure the worse is there first, you know in all of you through it the greater is at the end of it all, to be patient and willing to keep getting back up with grace and love each and every time, you know it is there for you, your goals, your growth, your light, your bliss, the forever over flowing of blessings pouring out into your lap is always there if you accept the dark and the fear and find your bigger, and bigger and endless joys and dreams of life.  God don't look to you as little he looks to you and your life with big, big forever accomplishments and growth, there is no ending to what you can do, your limitless once you find the path your love is calling you to. 

I found myself in a fear, thinking I have so much already that there possibly couldn't be anymore in me to change, yet to my surprise there was, there is and it was something, it is something that has been crying for me for so long now, afraid to bring it to the surface and mend it,  I found myself yet again stuck, saying to myself "how could I let this happen when I have seen so much already, that I know what I need to do, so why am I denying the parts of me that need my love, my mending?", the fear of saying it out loud, the fear of what others may think of me if they found out, the fear of the hard work to get through it, I yet again found myself in the face of the dark in fear of what will be,  instead of walking strong through it at that moment I hid and denied and fought, knowing all to well that is not what leads you to your growth, to the greater and greater and endless blessings to the life you have been given.  

So I said it, I accepted it not as a weakness but as a challenge that through it is my growth, my light, a part of me that will grow to be stronger and lead me to yet again to the side of the surprises of the greatest of my blessings coming to life for the greater good.  It was not a weakness to face the fear of knowing I needed to address a chemical imbalance that I denied for so long, it is a gift to becoming whole, to being a light for others afraid as well.  To fight the fear to find a place for my little girl and I to finally start our new life together, without the safety net of home, to stand tall an begin my life independently to the fullest and start to drive, all fears yet now a burst of excitement in knowing in that fear and hard times to make it through the endless amazing dream of possibilities given to me to conquer not fear.

I have truly been touched to know that in fear, hurt, tears and pain it is Gods gift to gift you to understand your life is endless of dreams, love, purpose and great growth and achievements, his love for you is endless, his dreams for you are endless, therefor you have to be the one to walk that walk, to keep walking that walk, knowing no matter how long it may be it may feel,  your life of great joy, bliss, dreams of reality are in it all through it at the end of the shadows that lay behind once it clears, to your delight,  your eyes see bright, your heart lifts to the clouds, your smile becomes endless, the doors are all open sparkling with the bliss of the calling of your name, and it is the surprises of the way you thought it should be yet turns out totally different is truly where the sweetest of blessings will always be, no matter how you thought it should be you will never ever feel disappointment only the melody of your heart singing God Bless this moment.  The unseen AHA'S are the greatest gifts to your life, no words can ever describe.

Bryan Chadwick my love, my rock, my forever reminder of love of unconditional, God chose you to work through you unto me and that alone is the biggest of blessings to my surprise, my heart, my soul.  God working through people, that right there is gift we all need to bring out of us and shine bright, but to see it in action is a miracle of the greatest love ever.

Clipped wings can grow again.  Broken wings can regain a strength and beauty unknown before.  If you will, you can be released and free.  I pray that I may be freed from things that hold me down.  I pray that my spirit may soar in freedom.

~24/Hour Book~

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