I've Got Cuomotine Fever

So it seems I been seeing so many articles circulating around about Mr Cuomo and how they are wanting to be the next in line.  So I thought why not do my own article on my very own blog?  Than I was like "yea why not I can do it, just do it". In the midst of all the ups and downs happening I thought something funny for a change would be good, as they say "laughing is the best medicine".  As always though I noticed when things start trending hard around social media I'm always late to the party, that's ok, better to be late than never.  So on a funnier note than the last blog here I am typing all my funny.   

So all things thought of in my head I have a solution to them all, If there was a bachelor in my mind hands down I'd win, as for the huge waiting line I've already been escorted to the number one in that line, along with the long wait list of women that be a good match for Mr Cuomo, I am definitely number one on that list as well.  A gal can and shall always dream.  

As to geography already got that figured out in my thoughts him being a New Yorker and I being a Canadian eh, politics aside, it just works out, hey it's my dream I can disregard some details to make it work if I got to.  As for age difference that is shot down immediatly, "age is nothing but a number", I got leverage on this one, my belated husband was twenty seven years older, NO I am far from a gold digger, my belated husband was no where near being rich.  Cuomotini comes to mind like a smooth glass of a Martini as Mr Cuomo is to a fine wine.

Listen I been a widow for nine years, so I got dibs far and beyond anyone, just the fact that when my belated husband passed raised the bar for other men, Mr Cuomo exceeds that bar, also not to mention to even think of another man is enough said, after losing the love of your life, in fact all that alone gives me all rights to even dream of all this Cuomotine Fever always.  No, no, no, I am not using the death card by far but its a fact ha, ha.  

Listen it's been 6 weeks being in,  so please my dreams and thoughts are rash, very well thought out as well.  Look me up I am just a women living in Canada, admiring from a far.  No I have not lost my sanity, like I said just look me up you will see no crazy here.  Wicked sense of humour perhaps, with some funny, ocassional thoughts to add but hey we are here in our homes for quite some time now, days have to be filled with a whole lot of sense of humour, laughs and funny thoughts.

Every briefing I find myself watching, it's his quick, strong persona that gets me everytime.  It's how a true leader should be, take no BS, speak no BS.  I actually wonder if I was a reporter sitting in front of this huge presence how'd I react if asked upon to ask a question.  I'd definitely stutter, than ask something totally not related to what is being talked about, ha, ha.  So yes in my dreams, thoughts and witty personality, I am number one to be the next good candidate for Mr cuomo, hands down.

Yes I say nope no line ups for me, no waiting lists, no obstacles, it's the best kind of thinking, as I said before a gal can always dream, dreams come true however that is a whole other topic for another day.  Serious note, strong admiration for this man Mr Cuomo not just for the fact of he is as sexy as they come but for the fact he implements true, compassionate, leadership.  Oh yes to add to the briefings I watch every day,  I do try really hard to focus on what he is saying but my mind keeps going back to "he's SO pretty", WHAT?  A man can always be pretty,  trust me it's the new sexy.


Just a sassy Canadian in awe of Mr Cuomo, however why do I keep saying Mr?  in my mind with him it be Andew, however out of respect as I type it is Mr.  No shame in my play, you'd be crazy to turn this fine wine down ever.  So yes I will leave it with that and the fact like the song says, CALL ME MAYBE?  AGAIN a gal can dream a beautiful dream.  I was always told to dream big, so yes that is no downfall for me.

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It's Ok To Not Be Ok

Where were you the day the world stopped moving? I keep trying to find the words for this yet I always get choked up on finding the words.  First I want to say that no matter who you are, in what ever profession that you do, we all have moments we feel broken, that in no way feeling that way discredits what you do, as well as who you are, that who you always have been.

In tears, standing, feeling yes “I’m still alive” but in a blink of an eye my life again was taken away. That moving forward again I will have to build anew, just as the same you once found yourself losing your part of your life as you lost the love of your life, that I’m scared most times, cry too much as I shake my own self to get it together,  knowing like before I can do it again but I won’t ever stop grieving for the life I loved before this crazy pandemic happened.

I grieve as I would grieve for someone I lost because to me I lost myself, I lost what I loved that I build to after my husband passed away. At night I lay awake thinking “will I get sick, will my family or worse will my only child?” It takes my breath away gasping for the light through all of this.  Nine years ago I worked hard to be the person I always knew I could be before the world stopped, yet again I feel as many others again, I am back to building new again to part of the person I lost the day the world was struck hardly with Corona Virus.

There’s got to be a way where I can find that person in me that was strong, that she’s still around and hope that soon she will show up, that not once ever that she got knocked down she stayed down.  Like the time before,  time is what it will take, to not get frustrated that some days you lay still in wonder, what will be of now, the unknown of it all is what gets in your head the most. With baby steps just like before you just make sure you keep moving.

I’m not going to hide anymore THAT YES I am having a hard time, that yes I’m not ok most days yet so grateful I get through each day and wake up for a new. Just know some people out there are not ok right now that claim to, seem, or say.  That we all shed a part of us that we will never get back.  I look forward to the many miracles I've seen like before building again but right now in this moment, that seems far away.  I will not be condemned to feel the loss I feel because everyone lost a part of themselves since the day the pandemic crept into our lives.

For right now I’m not ashamed to say I’m not ok for most days, that I miss my life of how it was and will grieve a long time for it. It feels as though that person I loved to where I got to be is gone, the person I thought I could never be is gone?  Not totally but half of, just as though the day I lost my husband I lost half of me, plans for our future, a love that I thought be for so much longer in the flesh.  I had to let go of that life, just as today I let go of who part of me was when the world grieved the loss of so many and still does.

Really I know I’m still the same yet a whole lot of me was taken away that I worked so hard to get but I know building back you can build stronger, that who you are never really does leave, you just got to take time to put the pieces back together, let go of what pieces you no longer need. So again I say no right now I'M NOT OK.  I've been down this road before, so right now I will take light in as I type this in the work I do from home helping others in crisis that need to talk and smile knowing I am helping others, that right now that is all I can take comfort in, to be grateful, feel rewarded in the pleasure knowing I'm in a position to help those in needs.  That right now is my blessing in this dark time that lurks often too much around.  

To feel grateful to have a home, to be healthy, yet the most of all to be a mother to a beautiful, precious daughter that forever keeps me on my toes, that often times shows me just how strong I am and wanting to definitely keep moving for her, for us.  To never ever give up the good fight, seeing her makes me strive to be the person I want to see her be as she grows.  So YES some days maybe more than some it's ok to say, to admit, NO I'M NOT OK.  Grieve for you, grief has no time limit but with baby steps just keep moving forward.  Wait for the change, all the miracles again yet you get to see as you build to the part of you, you lost.

To all that lost someone, my love, thoughts and prayers go to you all now and for a very long time.  To all the Essential Workers Thank you for keeping us safe, giving us hope and keeping this world going for us all.

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The Unknown

Getting a little sentimental looking back, looking to where we are today. I think of my family, my daughter, friends and even people I don’t know and start to cry knowing just how our lives changed within seconds.

I grieve for how it was before, knowing things won’t be the same, no one will be the same, yet I smile knowing through hard times always comes miracles through it, after it and years after to come. I miss the man who I felt the safest with but know he’s never far from me to protect us, guide us and keep us safe.

Looking for answers there is no where to be found, questioning why? where there is no answer to as well. Feeling frustrated, emotional, anxious, like there is no end to what I see around. In my head I know no time for negativity, yet some days it’s so damn hard to keep those thoughts far from my thoughts.

I don’t know what tomorrow or the next day will bring but if anything in the now is where I shall stay. Looking to my family knowing they are safe, seeing my daughter be a cool cat during such hard times is more of who I need to be. I’ve never seen such strength in a young lady that she has every single day.

She struggles with so much but shakes it off with love. I’m here today as every other day asking myself how did I get so damn anxious? yet try to be easy on my feelings and let them be at bay because we all are in a time we have never seen before. I heard the fraise “Cabin Fever” yet I shook my head thinking, no more like “Flight or Fight Mode” that’s what I’ve felt every single day. To realize this is not who I am, I’ve been through worse, so now is the time to be more than just half of who I am, to be the person my daughter needs to look up to.

To understand I can’t control what’s going on day to day but to protect, lead and love all in my life that need me the most, to be the support to those that need it the most. To protect others and ride out this ride of staying home. To think of negative will never bring you the love that you need, to think positive and be strong is where your mind needs to stay.

To take the time to bow your head to pray for all those that are no longer here even if a stranger, to pray for those that are out there fighting for us to be healthy and stay with food and be protected, to understand it’s more than just who we love in our life we need to love and pray for through this time of the hardest times we bare.

Riddle me this Riddle me that, please just for now save your mind from spinning about conspiracy theories, looking for conspiracy theories, wondering if this all is accident or not, don’t lose yourself now, keep your mind clear, be strong and just love. When this all clears, full speed ahead for answers you need, research for all of what we all want to know, just how exactly our world just shut down in a blink of an eye.

I cried the tears, feared the most, yet now is the time to love, pray and know I’m not perfect, that life won’t be the same but like other storms when cleared life comes to be nothing more than you could of ever dreamed it would be. The storm calms and beauty arises. Stand strong, breathe, love, inspire and know the day of light is on the way.

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Falling Apart to Falling Into Miracles

As you go through your life, there are times that go by so fast to never look back to all that you go through on a daily basis.  We tend to get caught up in our day to day life that we forgot often too much to stay in the moment for some time.  I know I often find myself catching myself doing the same, as it is so easy to get caught up in our daily schedule, worrying if you would be not on time within that schedule.  

What is that schedule?  How did we get to a point where time truly, deeply defines us and our daily life?  Stopping to understand as much as I can that life ain't about constant rushing for no reason, that it's about living, breathing, being in the moment along with enjoying the journey.  It is hard, not going to pretend that it is very easy to get caught up in that, as quick as it is to type this sentence, yet to get to the point where you catch that coming on is a great gift to yourself and your life.  

Lately life has been a huge reflection for me, to be quite honest it has been a true blessing to have this time to see what I have been missing for a long time now.  Through the quiet I have learned so much, with time as nothing but time and not a schedule,  I have been able to sit in peace to take courses, to learn more, as well as learn more about myself, to hear the whispers of my hearts passion, the universes love and blessings that reside in me around me, as well as what is to come.  Smiling in the wonder how the greatest of gems come from the darkest of times, smiling upon all that have been to the darkest places have become the brightest of lights to so many around them.  

Losing half of my heart, life, being, soul, then has had me putting the pieces back together and giving up pieces that no longer serve me, in those losing of pieces I have found new pieces,  I have never noticed before to put back together to the new me being created.  In the together of the new, you will find your littlest to biggest miracles along the way, it takes practice to be able to take the time to find those pieces along the way, as you pave your new road.  

In this world there are open minded people, some not so opened minded along with totally close minded, that is OK,  we are all unique and different.  However the portion we feel are so close minded are the ones that we are afraid to open up to admit who we really are in fears of judgment.  However we do know later on in life that it don't matter what others opinions are, it is our own that only matters.  

If not for the dark that I've been through, than the light of who I am would of never appeared to my life.  It's that darkness of times I tell you that are truly are our blessings in disguise. If not for the darkest of times I have recently been through I would of never discovered the great gifts in me, that forever would be hidden.  The great gifts of passion, purpose that has been there for far too long in darkness.  A tad of my being knew deep down but always too afraid back then to say it out loud to knowing of judgment would be had, in the earlier days where I thought others opinions mattered.  

Now to this day I know better, still to understand not everyone will accept my gifts and that is OK to.  So proud to know of all that guides me to where I should of been all along, Intuitive Empath, to Healing, to Energy Healing, to Counselling, to Grief Coaching, most of all accepting my Intuitive Empath side and no longer being embarrassed to say that out loud and be proud.  The gifts that drive me to help, to be proud, to be grateful, to learn more of has never been so enlightening that no words can describe just how much it is.  

To be your true authentic self, finding all that in the darkness of times is the greatest of all to me, to know that all your rock bottom moments are the times where a miracle of your life shall appear.  In these hardest of times I have used my head space to create space to learn, to add to the gifts I bare, to take courses and earn diplomas, smiling in the darkness while the whole time I was turning on my own light in the dark.   It's absolutely breath taking to think the whole time I was thinking my life was being shattered that silently I was taking a leap to embrace what I really wanted to do for far too long now.  

Looking up always smiling to give thanks at how surprisingly things feel they are breaking but breaking to reveal the new highest of you.  The miracles of once day dreamed coming to life.  That learning in those hard, painful times you feel you are falling apart in the end the reveal is that you are falling together to what you always wanted to be.  Though never the end of it, that is the break to the best of more to come.  

So breathe when you feel it's falling apart because soon you will see the dark fade and your big picture unveiling right in front of your eyes in a quick breath of the biggest of your miracle looking back at you.  Smiling the biggest knowing the great has come from that most painful of darkness to understand it has to be part of life to get through to the bigger picture of your miracles shinning bright straight through that pain.  

This is all not to say that the struggle is gone, just knowing in that struggle always comes strength and the shattering of not ending but huge beginnings.  No words will ever be able to explain what life has been these last six months,  yet I would do it all over again, through the pain, darkness and hard times to find what I have found through it as the darkness faded.  

I found what was in me, gifted to me, that has been waiting for so long now.  To shout out from the highest mountain with gratitude what it is I AM, what I am gifted, what my purposes have been given, to never hide from nor have to hide from ever again.  To understand that unknowingly silent in the dark I smiled, that in it all I was taking the leap of faith knowing deep down it shatter to nothing but all pieces that I have ever wanted as well as needed when putting it all back together.

My heart truly is open, it is thankful to my husband passed because behind all this I know he forever has my back, not seen but forever felt.

Fourteen years ago I was blessed by an earth angel my husband passed now still an angel but one I know by name no longer in physical being with wings.

My site:  https://www.tonyaouimetenergycounselor.com/blog

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Your Body knows You Best

When your body gives you little hints that something is not right listen.  It's amazing to me that your body knows you better than you think it would.  I felt the little signs but as many went on full speed ahead believing that in life there is no time to stop now.  I kept on plucking hard core, getting into more and more of my routine of working, working, sleeping,  taking no time to realize my body was sending at the moment little hints that "hey you need to stop and breathe".  

My life I was living felt like a constant battle, to me it was as though I was working hard, for the love of my daughter and being able to support us.  However not realizing that my body and spirit was constantly feeling it was in that fight mode, battling to be the best I can, as my confidence quickly diminished to mistakes had, not then noticing all this chaos around me so completely intertwined in,  just making it, making a living, working hard, never once listening to the bigger picture.  

I understand that when mistakes are made on job that it is needed to be acknowledged but to constantly see that can really chop your confidence down to a point where you forgot that confident person you use to be was gone.  It's easy perhaps for some but for me I take all in 110 percent more, my feelings are at its peak due to having that Intuitive Empath in me.  It definitely was a shock I had not noticed the signs earlier than I had, than suffered a huge price when it was later that the sign from body was loud and fierce, to make me definitely get its signs it was signaling for a long time.  

I sat at my seat one day feeling all of my senses just so heightened, thinking to myself "What is this that I am feeling and why am I stretching myself so far to the point where my health is second place to work".  I was in complete shock sitting there stunned as I noticed just how sick my body was feeling, freaking out saying in my mind "nothing is more important than your health ever".  

Than thought of my daughter had already lost her father, that I needed to take care of me to be able to be there for her.  That is when I truly took to heart all this time of being in the do, do, do, mode that I never once stopped to feel those signals my body was so kindly trying to tell me.  Than I realized nothing is more important than my health and mental state.  

That is when I let out a huge exhale and kindly let go of what did not serve me or my body at that very moment.  Feeling the intense heightened of my anxiety, my pains, feeling sick shook me to my core with fear to lead me to my Doctor.  I was literally in a mode of thinking "how did it get this far"?  Am I going to be OK"?  I was literally in a moment where I felt all the life had been sucked out of me and that's putting it lightly.  How did I let go of myself, the girl so full of life, confidence, happiness, laughter and love?.  

That is truly when I started to panic thinking "will that person I was come back"?  I sat impatiently and restless in The Doctor's office waiting her arrival.  Nothing but in thought of pure panic wondering where am I going to go from here?  It was a war going on in life and inside me, at that moment tears started to form, just as the tears started to form and sheer blank was in my eyes the Doctor entered looked at me and kid you not read me right away, stating "you look very stressed and you're going to cry" as she handed me a box of Kleenex.  

I was in pure shock how bang,  she knew it and she felt it.  It was that moment the shock of my life would be said to me by the Doctor, "I am taking you off work because at this point I do not see this going in a good direction for you and your health".  That is when I truly broke down realizing just how bad it was, how bad I let it get.  Looking to the Doctor she smiled giving me a glimpse of light that although how bad it may be,  it will be the best thing for myself and health.  That no matter how tight money would be, that money as well is never more important than your health, mind, body and spirit.  That day seemed to be my biggest fear but looking back was my blessing and beyond.  

It was near Christmas not really the best of time however it is something I now look back on to see it was definitely what saved me, it brought back the me I was to me again, plus so much more to add to the me that was.  I found my groundings, found out that I was not a failure, never will be.  It brought me into the knowledge of the gifts gifted to me that never thought could ever be.  It brought those gifts out front and forward, to come out, let it out and not be ashamed of the purpose in my life given to me.  The three months by far were not easy, yet through it the light come through in those darkest of moments.

  

Truly now know that there is never anything that will keep me down, that I can not go through and still find that bright light waiting for me always.  Never again will I ever let another take away the who of what I am.  Never will I allow someone else define who I am no matter what it is at hand.  

It is me that controls and defines who I am and others do not matter.  These three months will never, ever be forgotten so much greatness has come from it out of the darkest places through it.  The endless love support that surrounds me will never be forgotten, to know that will never be broken and forever lift you up when you can no longer walk on your own.  

To be gifted with that huge support of love system is on it's own by far the best gift in life you could ever ask for.  So yes I was taken off work by my Doctor, which startled me at first but it was her greatest blessing to me.  These three months have been the biggest roller coaster, however it has strengthened me, it's defined where I know my limits are and never again will go beyond that.  

Looking back I have to smile knowing that these three months were nothing I've endured before, losing my husband, hitting rock bottom, this time around I smiled knowing that it is all a learning and growth period, that I had the strength just as before to walk through it.  

Don't get me wrong it has been painful, there were many days of gloom, tears and heartache, yet the good out weighed the dark.  So now I definitely look to my future to whatever does not serve me in a positive way will never be more important than my well being.  That as hard as it is to fear what it be like to leave what don't serve me, that the letting go is part of letting the better, new to come in.  

Nothing will ever make me believe "I have to do this"  "I have no choice but to be here, stay here"  that if it is bringing my being down than it's time to change, drop it, move on and let that new to come in my life. 

My Mantra now "Nothing is ever permanent, only Temporary if it does not serve you positively".

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The Power Of My Love

I'm not built like others nor each one of us is alike,  we all have our own unique characteristics as well as special gifts.  I really do not know where to start or begin.  Life has always got its funny way of telling you a story in learning lessons.  Often hearing there is a lesson for all that comes in to your life as well of all the hardships that come your way.  It often leaves a feeling of either utter shock or surprise, when other times it is as though that came totally out of left field.  Either way good or bad it is a piece of your puzzle of life leading to the one big picture you often found yourself imagining how it would look like and turn out to be like.  The heartache to tears to the moments you never thought you'd get through,  one day you find yourself looking back to those many moments with great surprise full of more strength along with wisdom filling your whole being every second.  

I've loved so fearlessly myself along with another so fiercely that to this day it holds the strongest grip of pain wrapped with butterflies in my stomach kind of feeling, while in complete shock of feeling that I thought would never be again in life after my husband had passed.  It's something that has been around for a long time, yet we have never to this day truly been together, got together, spent time together, however in my heart along with thoughts we have always been, in the longest of nights you were my meditation, you were my manifesting.  

Trapped in the middle of becoming reality for so long now I genuinely know that it is meant to be of my future, just knowing when is unknown.  Meeting you for the first time and being in your presence,  remembering that vivid strong soul connecting spark that still burns from I to you this day is what keeps me to in the knowing this is a real life making in progress.  Sounds totally out there as I sit to wonder some days, yet imagining how all the trees change colors every year after coming to life being bare in the cold winter, wondering how or if they will bloom back again next spring and turn in total beauty in fall it just happens.  

Its like that,  the love is there,  its sparked and its beautiful,  its season to blossom as well as grow has just not happened yet.  Constant stressing or trying to figure out when only fades that connection, that growth.  As painful it is to bare a love that has yet come reality, the happiness of the power of that love brings great comfort to my whole being.  The love of a life time has yet to begin, yet not one day doubts will ever take over the real I truly know it will be and is.  

Your quiet, your distant, yet your not as far as you may seem to think you are.  As my thoughts come of you, the closer you are that you thought you'd ever be.  I turn that dial of frequency to where it needs to be, to the place where we both make our reality.  You have been the man that I've always known would be the one.   My husband passed is the constant guidance in my life, guided by his love as he told me every day of our life when here in the flesh "I Just want you to be happy".  No matter how long is not nothing compared to the know of what is, time is not nothing but a number, when in the heart nothing has never changed.  

Your face, laugh and time together we had never fades nor it never will.  To be with another would be nothing but an illusion, it be nothing that would ever be because that is not who will be my future.  Your singing like no one is around still echoes loudly like the day of, the laughter and connection is still as the day of, days turned into weeks yet the connection has never dulled.  My heart holds you, it holds us, creating the one day it turns to our reality.  

Sounds odd, maybe, yet like anything good that blooms this is how it to is.  You can't make something beautiful in seconds on command, it feels like at times I'm in the dark yet knowing in the dark is where the beautifulness of things in life bloom one day,  like a cocoon to a butterfly, a seed to a rose, all classic of darkness to beauty, the most beautiful of all comes from darkness to light.  

There will never be a time I regret how or why, or will ever look for answers because they shall never be found or known.  You came into my life and never left my heart, never will.  Trying some days to understand I turn to the strong feeling that is powerful beyond along with just knowing the comfort kicks in and takes over in just knowing you are my reason.  For many unknown spoken things that cannot be denied the love of you as well is confirmed in silence yet knowing not today, tomorrow or the day after it shall be but knowing no matter what with no time on anything it one day will be you and I as I have felt knowing you felt that very first day our world felt shaken to the core.  

As I have said I am far from being like other people, I know what I feel to be true, I know that dreams come true, I know that love when felt is never nothing to ignore, never something to doubt.  As hard as it may be there will never be anything stronger than a soul connection to be severed.  

I loved you from the day I seen your smile, heard your laugh and love you to this day and know the battle is bigger but it is never bigger than a love that is in the making to become reality.  The songs that occur the vibration of the highest touches the energy that we create in the universe, the universe creates what energy that is put out and the energies of two that tie together in the spark of each others energy that intertwines together.  

There are so many ways to explain, yet the only way for me to know is the pure gut wrenching feeling that never leaves my being and never fades in knowing from the moment of our beginning that nothing is too hard or unreachable when you are the kind of person that has been in the darkest of place cracked open to see the greatest of light in life, that your the powerful magnet attracting the love on the highest level you know you are worthy of.  

The love of my life has gone but he to is the forever guiding light that proves that love can come back around if you truly know that it can be.  All to hard to say but not so hard to know along with feel, no matter what the darkest days hold I have loved you for so long yet know that love one day will blossom even if now it is denied for unforeseen circumstances that will fade as reality become to life, dreams of the biggest come true, miracles happen,  fate never misses.  

Again I say I've loved you for quite some time, since the day our life's have come together and never with regret I will doubt why.  Like an open book you know of this love, as hard as it may seem the fight of how life you feel should stay will fade one day.  

Dedicated to the man that made me laugh from the start of a shift we worked to the end and even after the shift was done, the man that woke up my heart in just seconds of being in his presence, you know who you are.

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Early Afternoon Thoughts....

I’d like to think I’m a strong woman for all that I’ve gone through and learned, in fact I know I am a strong person however being a stress monster as well as an emotional person has taken its toll. However these traits are mine,  part of who I am, yes you got those people in your head telling you “find a way to relax” but really no one has the answer on how to do just that.

It’s not that I intentionally want to stress or get emotional way more than others, it’s part of who I am,  I take things to heart,  worry about my future, worry about what tomorrow brings because that is just me.   Yes I know all the great quotes around that stress is like trying to control the future truly,  really all I want to control is a future of love, happiness and health, I want to see my beautiful daughter shine bright as she does now, of course you also imagine that happy ever after with someone as well.

However that is all things out of my control yet it’s still something you think of often,  most times it’s at night keeping you wide awake when you have to wake at 6am. I stress, I get emotional more than others but really I look back to everything that could of literally broke me but it didn’t, I got up as always to start putting one foot in front of another.

I know somewhere Jean Guy is watching proud of where we are today.  I stress about bills, food, rent, but why?   things for some reason as always work out.  Than I look back wondering why in the world did I make myself sick stressing when knowing it always works out?. 

When your a single mom in these days it’s scary, you want your child to have a safe roof over their head and full bellies so you strive to be perfect when perfect doesn’t exist. Than one day you find out you aren’t invincible, the back lash of so much stress and emotion catches up to you scaring you as you lay sick wondering what the hell is wrong with you? to see that it’s all due to many years of stress and emotions.

That's when you truly understand all of it has not done you any good, that sometimes a lot of times you got to stop to say “hey I can’t control this",  I can’t worry about if I’m liked, if those bills will get paid or if I’m preforming at my best” to let go and let be and just believe and carry on the best you can.

In fact I’ll never worry or stress about such stupidity again because now it’s time to be healthy your health is the most important over all the worries and emotions you could ever feel or think about.   In fact I knew there would be consequences somewhere down the line but ignored it figuring it’s me I’ll be OK, I don’t care about stories of others who say “my mother was strong like bull” because to me that is in the eyes of the beholder who never did see that person behind closed doors maybe not so strong while others can’t see. 

Anyway it’s not about strength, it’s about life,  rising above what comes your way, getting through it as you always have, getting knocked down forever getting back up. So you see it may be just minor problems I have gotten yet to me you see it’s more than just that for me,  it’s a huge change to realize I let this happen when I should of actually laughed at the stupid shit of others I worried about that liked me or not, if I was doing things right.

Wanting to be a perfectionist because here I am now trying to find a way to eat and not suffer after something that didn’t agree with me or balancing life and practising healthy eating, not over thinking but it doesn’t matter I know as always I will get through. I am a pro getting through the hard times,  in fact I love that the hard times never get me down and challenge it with open arms

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