Conversation with your life

DEDICATED TO:  JANET AUTY-CARLISLE

 

It is funny how you never see what it is you are doing until you take the time to notice what it is that you have been doing for so long yet never realised until you took the time to see it, to slow down and find what it was.  perhaps sometimes it will be in an others voice that makes you realise it, sometimes its the little whispers that become louder and louder to you as well as your heart.  I do remember hearing from my husband passed how sometimes I was too serious, that sometimes I am always in too much of a hurry, he always disliked feeling rushed, now today his life lesson I see clearly why.

It wasn't until the other day that I have noticed just what it is that is so special to our life, something so simple that we all never stop to think of, to truly understand it as well as the meaning to it.  Talking to someone so special and so full of wisdom,  Janet Auty-Carlisle on the phone is what made me actually sit down to understand just how important it is for us all to do. 

 "Take time to just be in the now"  were the words I heard that struck me hard.  

It was then I noticed that through my life for so long I have not ever took notice to this.  For me it was always get it done, do this, what about tomorrow, what about an hour from now, never ever taking into consideration that its not about all that, it is about NOW, it is about what is happening NOW, its about taking time to understand and just be all here in this moment.  Thanks to Janet I found a piece of me in the NOW.  A little piece that has been hiding for far too long.

It is not about getting things done, rushing to get as much as you can done that lays your happiness, nor feeling accomplished.  No matter how fast you are in life it will never fast forward your life to erase the pain,  nor get you where you need to be any faster. As I walked this path of grieving it was all of me that truly believed to just make it through the day as fast as I could so it would be another day closer to feeling like me again, now as I sit her typing I know it is in the moment you find the little pieces of you that have been hiding in the pain.  It is in the NOW you find your life trying to speak to your heart telling you all the beautiful things that are happening that you miss if your moving so fast in life.  Its in the rush we lose those little blessings that were there all along just not noticed due to being NOT IN THE PRESENT.

So much of us believe the more you can get done the more accomplished you can feel, the more proud of yourself you will feel, for some it may be to just get through the day to say that you have made it through in hopes to feeling better faster.  It is not knowing that through the hustle and bustle we lose the little miracles of our life that we never noticed because we were moving so fast to get to some where we thought would be better, that we thought would be closer to feeling our dreams were closer.  I truly can not express to you what it was that I have took notice in due to just letting go of the FAST and truly taking in THE NOW, taking in this very moment, to not worry about a second from now, an hour from now, a day from now.  This weekend has truly been a AHA MOMENT of a life time.

For all of us that grieve it is in the rush we lose track of all the little pieces of stitching's to your heart mending.  When you rush to get through the day you miss the little healing that try to speak to your heart as well as soul.  Even for those that not grieve you miss out on the words being spoken to you, to your life, to your heart.  As I slowed down to be present this weekend my heart found bliss, my smile was more present along with laughter through out every second that I was all present.  As I took the time to just be here I took notice in so many things, I took notice in people and their love, I took notice in just enjoying their company, to be able to laugh, to feel so at peace, now as I say at peace I mean so much, to feel at peace with those I never thought I could of, to just feel happy, to feel a part of me that has been gone for so long.  In your pain as well as rushing you lose track of what it is, that what it was that meant so much to you before, you lose track to the pieces that are mended that have been all along just not realised in the rush.

This weekend was a huge AHA EYE OPENER of peace, joy as well as bliss to my heart, to my life.  It is in the rushing you miss all of your signs to your life, you miss the signs to your heart that want you to know that yes you are getting better, you lose touch with the fact that you are getting you back, little by little the signs are all there trying to show your heart,  yet in the rush they always go unseen.  Do not rush for so long that what you so long for becomes too long to notice because it is in the noticing your heart will beam, your life will rise higher then ever before.  I was moving so fast that all these little blessings to my life were unknown, the blessings of becoming myself again were there for too long that now as I am here in the moment I am finally capturing.  In those moments of blessings you take notice of is truly a feeling that words will never be able to explain. 

When you think of little to some you may think little, yet it is not in the word that you must take notice in, it is the feeling you feel of the blessing once you have realised it.  Babies to this world are a miracle, yet they to are little.  So it is in the little that the biggest of feelings take place, it is in that little that changes your life that you could of never thought of.  So little to me no longer fits the word,  yet it is all the little that brings that bigger then life blessing to you.  Take the time to see your healing's that are trying to speak to you, be here in this very second to breath, to take it all in even if it is something simple because it is being in the now truly where you will find the bigger then life moments, lessons, bliss as well as joy.

This passed weekend I noticed myself so relaxed I dosed off, that to others may sound like not a big deal,  yet to me it was a huge deal,  that I felt so relaxed along with falling asleep with out hesitation because for so long now I have never been able to do that.  For so long now I've been wrapped in so much that feeling so relaxed on its own is a big thing for me, for my heart, but on top of it falling asleep is even bigger to me due to sleeping being not easy for me to do at all.  I truly know now that being in this moment and no where else is truly a blessing to give to yourself, to give to your heart.  It is in the now you hear the stories your life is trying to tell you. Take the time to see your heart is mending, that little by little you start gaining you back.

NOTE TO ALL:  It is in the littlest of things that mean the biggest to you.  It is being here now along with present when you start hearing your life telling you your story.  It is in this moment you gain back your strength, joy, happiness.  Rushing is time wasted, time that is spent as though you are not able to see nor hear.  It is being all here your heart will beam your bright light that has been faded for too long due to rushing.

Be the presence you have always envisioned yourself to be, being in the now is the presence of your dream, through the now others will see your bright light, they will see your dreams, your love, your purpose.  BE PRESENT, BE NOW, BE HERE.

 

 



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It's in the unknown you find your aha blessings

So many of amazing blessings have happened over this passed weekend that yet again I sit her in awe in absolute shock how so much can just happen in an instant leaving you breath taken.  So this weekend was another life transforming moment to me in many ways from the good to the bad.  Of course as I spoke of many times it started with huge hesitation, "go?, don't go?, go?, don't go"?.  The fight in my mind lasted for quite some time until the actual day for leaving to Toronto came upon my door step.  Susan Knight is the kind of best friend my life could of ever asked for, to this day I do believe from the higher above she was placed in my life to prove to my life to step out of ALL my comfort zones.  She was put into my life to make me understand that being afraid is OK yet not let it take you prisoner.  She was my travelling buddy to Toronto this weekend to see Mastin Kipp on Super Soul Sunday preview party at House of Moments.

This I say so much due to knowing in my heart that so many times that we are faced with fear is all the more of the reasons you must conquer those fears to understand that in that fear is a piece of a blessing to your life that soon one day leads to the  bigger huge picture that has always been the dream in your mind thought of coming to be your reality.  It is in the fighting, kicking, the uncomfortable,  that once lifted you find more and more of your blessings waiting for you to see.  It is your struggles that lead you to many more doors that open up to find the pieces of your puzzle to the life you live, to the life you have envisioned for so long. 

This whole experience layed many blessings of lessons to my life that was needed to be put into place, sitting there listening to Super Soul Sunday as well as Mastin speaking to us proved to my heart a lesson that needed to be heard, needed to be seen.  In this moment I had realised in this life it is not about the stress of not getting where you want to be so fast, it is not about feeling you are not getting where you need to be fast enough, it is about being in the now, it is about the baby steps you need to be taking to be getting to your dream, it is about being present in the moment to enjoy what is around you, it is about being able to be in the now to see the little pieces of your puzzle coming to you to lead you to that one huger then life moment you have always dreamt of.  It is the anticipation, the excitement, the happiness you feel in this moment building towards your life time dream. 

It is the struggles, the greatness, the blessings,  that you allow yourself to just be there to truly be all there, to take it all in that really is the dream of the dream happening, unfolding baby step by baby step.  The frustration an anger,  as well as feeling low due to not happening fast enough is what gets you off track losing sight of the bigger picture, it is within the low of your days that the lessons are there to teach you that patience is a need in the life you are building, that no dream happens over night, that it is all about taking the little pieces you need to build to the bigger picture is what is needed to be.  It is within the little the dream you dream is speaking to your heart to let you know it is OK, "I got you", but only in due time you will see the bigger picture.

The night before in our hotel room was another big AHA blessing to me, something that just had me awe struck the next day, it was something I always knew of yet never really could do.  I knew in my heart that through this grieving road I travel it was a must to my soul yet never understood how to feel it, how to get to it.  As we talked the girl talk and of course for too long we realised it was 2am that we were up way too long, that tomorrow we had to be up at 8am was when we said OK we need sleep.  The next day was the Super Soul Sunday Preview Party for Mastin Kipp.  Before going to sleep Susan had asked me about a "meditation CD", so of course I thought to myself if there is anything that can help me out to relax I wanted to try.  Laying in bed listening I could just feel all of me relax, it truly was a feeling that I haven't felt for so long, to know me you know how hard it is for me to be so far out of my comfort zone, to actually feel so relaxed put all of me in shock.  I could not believe that what I wanted to conquer for so long was actually happening to me proving it does exist, something I struggled with for so long was no longer.  As we woke up the next day I was in total shock to feel, to see, that this stayed with me, nothing but total at ease, to feel such relaxation through out my whole body was a feeling of a miracle to me.  To be able to feel such at peace is a feeling that nothing can describe and is a must for all those that grieve.

After taking pictures as well as many hugs to all OwnAmbassadors which was another huge blessing to the soul, we heard that due to being so grateful we all were invited to the SociaLight Conference the same day in Toronto.  I could not believe the gracious offer, although I was not too sure what to expect I knew it was where I was meant to go.  Looking to Susan we both agreed to just do it, to go and find out what it would be like.  It is in the unknown that we find the blessings that have been missing for too long.  It is the unknown that you realise a piece of the puzzle to your life.  So many things have presented itself to me that as I type this I feel just so amazed as well as grateful, it proves to my heart that it all is leading to my one big picture, my dream.

For me everything was always so fast, everything was always so fast paced, I was living in a rush to get away from the pain, to move fast in hopes to fast forward to the dream I have dreamt for so long.  It is in the now I understand that it is not about rushing, it is not about always wondering about the days a head that my life blessings lay, it is in THE NOW, THE HERE, THIS MOMENT, where I capture the beauty, the lessons, the gift of the pieces of my dream that are all around, it is in the baby steps you carry your strength to becoming stronger to your dream.  It is in this I find a great moment of advice I can take with me to use to help others that are grieving.  To be in the moment, to feel it, to take the time to just feel it, because in these moments is where you need to be, where you need to cherish, it is in the end moments of our loved ones passed we need to feel, we need to just be all there, the rushing to fast forward is where you lose those precious moments.  To be all there in every second to take in those last moments of memories. 

Now to talk about another life changing moment to me on this beautiful day, was the moment at the SociaLight Conference sitting next to Susan.  A lot of me wanted to not be there I fought with Susan to go but she was determined to get me to just give it all a chance and how my heart is so very grateful we did.  As I looked to Susan with those eyes of despair I felt myself just let go to hear the beautiful voice that was speaking to my soul, Agapi Stassinopoulos I looked to her quickly to see what bright, loving, beautiful soul she was, that not even hearing her your heart could feel it.  That is in the moment the fight had stopped, the fight to want to not be there, that is when I noticed she was talking to my dream, she was talking to my heart.  This is where a blessing to my dream had taken place, her words struck an ever lasting memory in me that will never be forgotten.  As she spoke I could feel her, I just knew that in this she would be confronting me.  Now in this moment was when I let go of the fear of my dream, the fear to speak of my dream, the fear of getting it out there, it was my fear I have held on to for so long due to being looked at as something that is not possible, although in my heart it is my purpose,  it is what I want in my life, it is my purpose I need to follow in this life, how could I keep my dream a secret?, it is meant to be done, it is meant to use in this world, to be of service to others that grieve, to be able to lift the pain in all that grieve so they can find their joy.

As Agapi spoke I just knew she was heading for me because I could see her making eye contact with me a lot through her speaking.  All of me was terrified thinking 

"what if she does approach me and I have to say it out loud"?.  

Sure enough as I was thinking of all this I could hear her say ``and this beautiful lady what is it you want"?, what is it that you dream?, that is when the most beautifulest of things happened that could of never been before.  

This is when all of me stopped hiding from my purpose to let it out in a room full of many people.  It was the moment I spoke my truth out loud.  That was when I took notice to the pain that was there for so long that was no longer how it was, in that moment I had realised I was no longer afraid that the pain no longer had a hold of me, that I could talk freely of my husband passed with out getting choked up with eyes full of tears.  

That was the moment this beautiful gift to our world had gotten me to say out loud what it is I knew in my heart was my purpose to this world.  To answer her question I told my story, I told everyone my dream, to be here to help those that grieve, to be a Grief Coach, to let the world know that grieving is not something to be so hush hush about.  

As I looked to Agapi she smiled looked to all the other people and asked "well who here in this room has lost someone close to them"?.  When I turned to see my whole body felt a rush in noticing that 95% of that room had their hands in the air.  That is when my heart just knew that what I am doing is exactly what I am suppose to be doing, in all those hands layed a piece of my dream coming together. 

In that room I got confirmation that there are so many that are in this pain of grief that no one really is brave enough to say it, that in fear they feel they are alone, that grieving is a topic that others don`t want to hear of, so those grieving keep to themselves and feel truly alone.  That is when I realised my gift to this world is what I was meant to do, my purpose to this world is to show unconditional love to all those that grieve, to those that are afraid of grief, it is within all of me that I had realised that this is my gift to the world. 

It is through this whole weekend that I have had many pieces to my dream present itself to me, the lessons, the blessings, if I had made the decision to just stay home this all would of never been.  It is in fear you have to step up to look it in the eyes to struggle the big struggle to win to receive all pieces as well of blessings you need to move forward closer to your dream baby steps at a time.

After being home I had another hurdle to accomplish, I had to let go of the fear of writing a book out there, I had to set it free and not worry of the fear that was keeping me a prisoner, I had to open my heart to release it to others not worrying of what would be.  "The Grieving Path To Joy" intro to how it become was sent out into the world, that to was a moment that proved to my heart it was meant to be.  The response that was given was a joy of delight to my dream.

NOTE TO ALL:  Mastin Kipp, Agapi, SociaLight I thank you so much for making this a life lesson to my dream, to my soul.  OwnAmbassadors thank you always for being the bright lights that you are.  Michael Lawrence thank you for always being there for me as well as believing in me.  For everyone out there it is your dream, it is your purpose to be afraid of it is wasting precious time in this world you live.   Be here in this moment, rushing through life is a loss to your life,  to your dream.  It is in the little baby steps that one day becomes the bigger picture, the dream that you have always seen yet in a bigger way that you could of never imagined.  BE HERE, BE NOW.

 



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When in doubt know it's your fear clouding your judgement

 

 

So this passed weekend I was presented with another one of those days, you know the kind where the outside world is non existent to you, the kind of day that too many of us deal with.  Waking up I found on this day a little afraid to open my eyes yet in my heart I knew it was a new day for me, a day to be grateful for having yet another chance to this life we live.  After waking up doing my routine wake up things I do, I received a phone call.  Looking at my phone I noticed it was my Mother in Law, we still are very close to my husband passed family,  I smiled knowing who it was to answer it.

Our daughter holds a very special place in these peoples life, looking to her I do believe they see a lot of my husband passed in her, I know in some ways being around her helps comfort their pain in a lot of ways.  Our daughter is definitely her fathers twin, which to me I take deep comfort in as well, looking to her is as if a piece of him is always with us.  So after answering I was asked if Hailey and I would go celebrate the Father in Laws 87th  Birthday with them all, that they wanted to see us, that it has been a while,  that they missed us.

Now as I have spoke of in a post before those exact same feelings came around, of course I wanted to go, yet the darkness tried to take over, the darkness tried fooling my brightness for life yet again.  I feared of many things, "what if being there would make me feel bad?", "what if I am there to start feeling bad?", to just feeling I wanted to not do anything today, I wanted to stay safe in my home to not deal with the outside world.  This is where we all need to stop to understand our lives are worth so much more then being a prisoner in our own life, to finding ways to always justify it, this is where we learn our light is so much brighter then the darkness that tries to invade our light.  To all I say this,  fight the feelings away, use all of you to understand this is not anything but fear, it is within us all to over power those thoughts, take a step back, deep breath, tell yourself it is ok to feel like this yet at same time it will not take over you, understand in your heart the fears are never stronger then you, you have all of the power to push through to ignore it all.

Finding the one true motivation to your heart will take a hold of any fears that linger within you in an instant.  For me it was looking to my daughter knowing I want to be the role model that she will be as she grows into a beautiful young lady.  Keeping that close to my heart as well as in my mind is the motivator of all, that is the fuel to anything being accomplished in all I do.  Her father was a man that would go to the end of the world for her, with her, so that I take with me along with being the role model I want to see her be to use to fight any fight that has been given to me. 

This is where I understand that through anything you do in life that is a struggle lays a big part of accomplishment, dreams, bliss, that through your struggles you gain a piece of your dream.  It has never let me down proving to me over and over again that it is there, that in your struggles is a lesson to your heart, mind as well as soul.  Every time that we decide to beat the darkness the light we carry becomes stronger and stronger to us, to others, to the world.  Yet through each struggle I forget this in the end it reminds my heart that it will always be.

We don't have struggles just for no reason, in these struggles are valuable pieces of the brighter light to our souls, we have struggles for our hearts to be enlightened, we have struggles to give lessons to our heart.  It is how you deal with those struggles is how it reflects on your life, to conquer the struggles brings in the joy to set free the pain you bear.

We all need to understand that defeating your struggles brings a feeling like no other, we start to understand it is beating the struggles that leaves a bit of the pain with it, that soon enough through all of the struggles our heart mends to feel lighter of all the pain.  As hard as it may all be the light you carry is much more stronger then the darkness that lurks behind.   

So last week in my struggle I defeated I found my heart was mended in knowing it was accepting the Christmas season approaching.  Last week was a week of absolute joy to my heart as it took notice that the pain was no longer strong, it also proved to my life what it was I would be doing, grief coaching, grief counselling, to opening my own Organization for all that grieve, to making people understand that those that grieve are not unapproachable,  to writing a book "The Grieving Path To Joy".

This week as I forced all of me to get out to get ready, to get my daughter ready to go to the party it was in that moment of being there I took another gift to my heart with me as we left at the end of it all.  It was in the moments of being there I noticed just how at peace I felt, it was a feeling I felt that is what made me understand that being there comforted my heart knowing through all of his family was his love, through them all was a piece of our life there. 

I seen them all look to my daughter as her father once did, the proudness, full of bright love bigger then this world.  It was through that I understood that my husband passed love never ever will leave us, that through everyone who touched his life was his love looking back at us at all times.  I have never felt such peace as I did that whole night I was with them all.  Feeling that feeling spoke to all of me knowing that I can still feel like that, that my husband passed was there to remind my heart that it never left me, that this is the way I am suppose to feel, to not be afraid, to not fear anything in this life that presents itself to me. 

NOTE TO ALL :  Take the time to breath, step back, then use all of you to move forward to push away the darkness.  Know in your heart that you have exactly what you need in you to conquer the fears that lurk all around, that you as a person have a reason in this life, that reason is your dream waiting to be fulfilled.  Our loved ones passed will always be there through the end of struggles to touch our hearts to remind us.  Just know you have the strength, the fears, darkness, negative,  never ever is there to defeat you, it is through that you see your pieces of life coming together, the struggle reveals to you your lessons, your dreams, your joy.  Even if through it you notice it is taking time, that is ok just keep your mind set to push through it all.  Most of all defeating those struggles releases a bit of your pain each as well as every time.

 



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Healing Surprises

The other day was the normal typical day, errands to run, many things to do yet inside of me I felt I just wanted to stay wrapped up,  comfy,  under the covers.  Like many we all just want to stay in to relax and just be.  For me it took all of me to motivate myself to get going, for me going out is sometimes harder for me then your typical person.  Some days I feel it takes all of me to push myself out that door.  For some I am sure you can relate.  Sometimes we get so caught up in wanting the quiet comfort of our home that going out is not something that strikes us to be intriguing, not all days but on some,  it is usually the some days it happens.

Not remembering that I had called in for an order for some things for my daughter for Christmas I received a call letting me know my parcels were in, that's when I remembered "ah yes I remember that now".  That right then was when I felt "really?, I don't want to go out, maybe I will do it tomorrow".  Then as always I had the fight within my head "yes do it you need to, don't be a procrastinator, just get out and do it to get it done, after all it is for my little girl". 

So fighting the feeling I kicked myself to get ready to just do it, suck it up and just do it, on these days I am sure you all know the feeling where it just takes all of you to get out to do what you don't want.  In grieving I do know that some days your heart is just not ready for the outside world, that some days you just want your comfort of home, to just stay within your limits.  Yet each time you get yourself to get out there you claim more and more of your strength, you understand after that your so very grateful you did do it, that even though as hard as it was to do your so happy that you did.  It's about pushing yourself to see in the end "oh yes I can do it, I can get out to see that it does make me feel better".  It is all just a matter of getting to where you need to be, once your there your heart beams so much joy, all of you is thankful you did do it, that you did fight to get out there.

Almost every time that you fight the big fight you will see that you win, that through it you will also find great rewards to you, to your life.  It is in the struggle we find our strength, we find that it is within us to win over all the negative we feel.  It is always easy to just let go, to let the stronger emotion take over, yet it is the fight that you want to have because in that fight our greatest rewards hide in.  For me it was something so simple yet in my mind it was a huge struggle to get to.  Not even realising what the biggest reward would be, not even thinking that through the struggle would be a huge blessing to me, to my heart, to my mind.  It is within these blessings that surprise us so quickly that life just kicked it up a notch so much more, it is in our hearts we feel pure joy, it is in our whole body we feel absolute happiness.

It amazes me just how life is, that within something not even thought of that it is something to surprise us out of the blue, something not even thought of, not even considered.  It is with in those surprises that touch our hearts deeply to help us understand, to make us smile to feel such over joying bliss.  So on this day I was not liking it at all, I was fussing along with ranting and raving I had to be out when I didn't want to that soon after it turned into my bright light to another piece of my puzzle coming together.  It was a AHA EXPERIENCE.  I am very sure all grieving know of this feeling, in the little moments when you recognise in little things the pain no longer is there.

Like the stitching in the heart above, it is little by little our hearts mend, yet through the things we do we actually feel it mending, we feel the warmth of things back in our hearts, stitch by stitch we feel it is different, the little stitches stitching out the pain.  Then we stop to pause to think of what it was that just happened to find our self in awe how surprisingly it has crept up on us.  These moments to me are priceless, they are the moments I truly feel so blessed.

So many are too caught up in the thought things will never get better that they forget that things ALWAYS GET BETTER, that when they do they get better it is even better then it ever was. 

I was saying just the other day that a little something I have noticed was on each month I don't constantly worry like I use to of the day my husband passed away, I don't dwell on it coming, it comes as well as goes yet the pain is not there like it was before.  This to me was something huge, it was proof to my eyes that my heart was on its way to a mends.

It is really when we relax from all the hurt we see all the little things that are no longer, if we keep our minds in the pain we will never see the little to big progress that we have made.  Once we start to take notice our hearts beam, our light shines brighter.  That is how we take the darkness to brightness, we beam in our accomplishments to understand "yes I can do this".

So just the other day when I fought so hard to do what I had to do I remember walking in the store to feel a feeling that I have never felt in so long.  I remember feeling the happiness, the beauty, the love, that I once have so long ago.  It was in that moment I understood that Christmas was being embraced by me, by my heart.  I noticed I could think of it to not feel such horrendous pain as I have before.  In those seconds I was in awe, I took it all in to smile as big as the sky to notice that my heart was yet again just a little more mended.  That the opening was yet a little bit smaller.  The feeling like no other to feel what I felt is something I will always remember.  It is as though my heart was being hugged from my husband passed.

NOTE TO ALL:  So it may take a life time yet our hearts stitch by stitch will get better, that little by little our heart feels better, that through the pain we have to stop to see the little things our hearts feel for the better.  It is through the feeling of great bliss our hearts are telling us yes you are getting better, that we will make it through.  Through it all we take huge pride in knowing that these feelings of greatness still do remain, that they never really left, that the pain is the shield of keeping it away.

 



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Even after you made it through the first significant moments

So even after making it through the first year of all holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, it has come to my attention that going through it all again will be just as hard as the first time around, if not a little harder.  Not to say this to scare all that grieves, yet to give a heads up so when your dealt with the strong emotions you will know that it is not you going crazy, it wont feel as though you are not doing all you need properly.  As I sit back thinking of my husband passed Birthday approaching I feel emotions that are very strong, for a second I feel something is wrong, something is not right, I should not feel like this even after a year, well that is where all of us grieving go wrong, there is no right, there is no wrong, there is no limits to grieving as well as to your emotions.  As I thought of things one thing came to mind, during the first year of all these significant days I realised that the timing is so soon, some may be in the state of shock, numbness,  that making it through these days makes it easier for us, understanding the second time around that could very well be the reason why felt so hard, the numbness, denial, fog,  has all lifted leaving us to completely feel it all.

So to all the next time around I say be easy with yourself, don't make it any harder to go through by worrying how bad the pain still feels, know in your heart that it is OK and that pain will lead to your grief releasing a little out of you in to the air, cherish the day, remember your good times, pay tribute to your love, understand in your heart that on this day there are no rules, no judging, it is a day to just feel, to celebrate, to love.  If for some reason you find yourself comparing to last time around, change that thought to understand that back then you were not truly feeling it all, that in some ways you wore an Armour.  Just know that no matter what you may feel that it is OK, that maybe next year it will be the same, yet it is ours to own, to accept, to come to peace with and just let it be. 

Last year I was so proud of myself, I was happy how I payed tribute to my husband passed, celebrating his life, eating cake, balloons let go in to the sky, doing all of his favourite things, making it through the day was enough.  Looking back I see that most of us will automatically feel "well since we made it through that year the next should be easier", do not put a limit on it, if it is it is, if not that is OK to.  It is most likely it won't be easier that is what we have to understand, if it is not its OK, we all will make it through it, by the end of the day smile knowing you made it through another year, be easy on you along with your heart.  The only thing that matters is you reflect on good thoughts, good times, feel that special love that you shared with your loved ones passed, celebrate that love, look up and smile to the clouds.

I want all to know that what ever it is you feel it is OK, that we all are different, that no matter what it is for you to feel it, if people around you say different it is not for them to say, it is your grief, it was your life, how you feel is not no one Else's business to judge.  Sometimes those who do not go through losing someone close know not how it feels, that reaching out to us to try to make us feel better comes out in the wrong way.  Listen to your heart to know you are going to be OK, that what you feel is your hearts way of telling you it misses the life that has changed so very much.  It is your hearts way to remind you that the love is there, it still feels the love you shared so strongly with your loved ones passed.  FEEL IT, EMBRACE IT, BE LOVING TO YOURSELF.  On these days it is up to us to do all of what makes us Happy, it is up to us to choose celebrating, that even though many tears are shed there is celebration still happening, celebration of love, celebration of memories, celebration of your loved ones passed life.

This year as last year I know my heart will be celebrating, even through the pain I will celebrate my husband passed life, his love, I will celebrate how grateful I am for his TRUE LOVE that blessed our life.  Balloons, cake, family, cemetery, all his favourite things will all be done.  No matter how many tears that fall my heart will feel the pure joy of his love.  So through this I say through the pain will come joy, smile, hope,love, you will feel it all.  Just be easy on you, no judgement, no stress in thinking its not right to feel the way you do because it is,  always will be.  Baby steps are a must through every second, minute, hour, surround yourself with support as well as love, through it all the blessings of your love will be noticed making the tears turn in to a smile, hope, belief.

There is no easy way to make it through the pain yet through it we see we have made it through, we see that through it all here we still stand, seeing that makes us understand that the strength in us as well as our hearts was always there, we just have to take those little steps to get to the end to know YES WE CAN DO IT, our loved ones passed love bless our hearts in our time of need, it is their love that helps us make it past the pain, it is that love that helps us find our smile.  Their love is to be honoured, after all it was their love that blessed our life to make us so very happy each day they were with us, so why let that pain take that away.  Feel it yet smile through the tears knowing their love is the greatest gift to your life.  That through it all they are with us pushing as much as needed to get us through it, to get us through obstacles we face.  CELEBRATE YOUR LOVE, CELEBRATE THEIR LOVE TO YOU.

The days are tough, maybe some days tougher yet in us all is a strength to find to help us keep moving forward, there is something with in us waiting for us to grab a hold of, our tears are ours to shed, yet in time your heart feels lighter, your heart opens to embrace the good memories, after the rain the sun always shines, so like the sun shine bright to show the world today is the day you celebrate the love of your life that has gifted your heart. 

Our loved ones passed will touch our hearts always, tears will always be, so will pain yet it is in that all we find the beauty, blessings, gifts to our lives, to our hearts.  Moving forward little by little we leave little pieces of the pain behind us.  So remember on all significant days the pain will be, the tears will be but most importantly your hope, belief, love, smile, will always shine brighter then the pain along with tears, your loved ones passed love is a gift, not pain nor tears have a part in that love.

NOTE TO ALL:  Don't lose track of the one most important thing their love is a gift, the pain along with tears take no part in that, so on the days of significance CELEBRATE, LOVE, SMILE, BE PROUD, know in your hearts it is not every person who shared the love we all have had in our life.  Our loved ones passed gifted our hearts, our life it is up to us to keep that gift alive, it is their legacy we need to carry with us out in to the world to share with others, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.  Be easy on you, baby steps, through the little steps the day will soon enough be over, that is when you need to smile and be proud of what it was you made it through.

P.S ALWAYS REMEMBER YOUR HAPPY THOUGHT, HAPPY MOMENT.

IN LOVING MEMORY OF JEAN GUY OUIMET

OCTOBER 21, 1950

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE LOVE OF MY LIFE

OUR LOVE IS FOREVER

 



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Things I know for sure

I am a mother before I am anything else, I strive to be the role model I want my daughter to be as she grows.  From the pain to the happiness I always make sure that through me she will see that nothing in life can keep you down, that through it all no matter where you are you will always be able to conquer the dreams you hold from within you.  That through me she knows there is always hope, that there is always belief, there will always be a light in you no matter how dark.  If anything it is us our child/children look up to every day of the life they live as they grow. 

Through this past year losing my husband has brought out such horrific pain yet it has brought out the gift I have always held inside me that I have been over looking for so long.  It is through this past year I have truly been tested, each as well as every time I have stood up, knowing my daughter deserves to see just what exactly we are capable of in this life we live, for her I want her to see strength, challenges, I want her to see that no matter how dark she will always be able to turn on her own light.  When she looks up to me as her role model I want her to know in her heart there is nothing we can not do in this life, that together we will always be a light shinning brighter then any other light known.  That although we have lost part of our heart that it will always be there, that piece will never leave us, although broken it is in that piece where that special love will always remain, that her father although unseen will forever wrap us in his love, that forever he will be our strength.

So yes I am a mother, I am a dreamer, I am a strong person who knows deep inside just what it is I am here to do, through my husband passed has left me a gift, a gift to share with other broken grieving hearts.  it is his unconditional love that I carry with me out in the world to touch all that I can.  I understand within all of me that dreams are our reality waiting for us to set it free.  I am a woman that strongly holds the love of great light, that through me I can mend as many grieving hearts as needed.  My dreams unfolding happen through this all, writing a book for grieving with Michael Lawrence backed by Scott Lazerson, that just the other day was a dream but as I type it now is a reality.  Becoming a group grief counsellor is happening in the new year, that too has been a long time dream now becoming a reality.  As I type the biggest of all becoming a celebrity blog for the grieving, being able to take this blog to t.v, sounds like a big dream yet in my heart in due time there is not one thing that I can not make my reality.  I always say and know in my heart "I want to be the legacy that mended all the broken grieving hearts" to this day I know my heart, my love is stronger then anything that steps in my way, I know in time as I unveil all of my fears my dreams will be there, these dreams will be there.  That's the funny thing about dreams,  say it out loud to get your words out in to the universe, it will hear you.

A dream that never thought of has presented itself to my life OWNAMBASSADORS, OWNTV, all due to Oprah leading them in to my life, these people were sent into my life at the most perfect of time that typing this still stuns me that just how perfect the timing was, to have these beautiful, bright lights shine through all my darkness is truly what opened my heart to this new world I see, that has always been around me, not noticing due to my own darkness. I believe strongly within my heart that when life sends to you a dream never thought of that it is God sending you his love through others in your time of need.  They say "God never gives you what you can't handle", yes that is the truest of all and is why we are sent the most beautifulest of angels. 

This blog is dedicated to the universe, my words are said out loud, I know in little by little I will unveil my dreams as time goes forward, as I face challenges that lay in front of me, carrying the truest of love with me there will be nothing that can not be done, that through this love I hold to share around me the pieces will naturally come together like a puzzle being done by our very own fingers.  As life continues to go by, we have to understand that in us all we have ever thought of is evolving, no matter how long, how short, it all becomes that one big picture we have envisioned for so long.  No matter who we can not see by our side, that no matter who we have lost they now lay in the universe to bless our dreams, our thoughts, they are not to be seen just felt, they remain with us all along.  This little ole me can change anything she sees fit, the power of your beliefs are unstoppable, the power of your life is stronger then anything you can think of.  Dreams are all around you, in the most strangest of places thought of waiting for you.

So with me I take our love, I move to a life that I have always dreamed of with our beautiful little girl, we move forward to the life we always thought of, yes as we look beside us someone is missing yet we know he really is there, just not to be seen.  I know now that in your pain lays your blessings, in your lows lays your strength teaching you just how strong you have become.  I know in your lowest you build a foundation that can never ever be broken, as high as the clouds.  No matter how low you go there is never any where else to go to but as high as the clouds.  When you feel at your lowest smile knowing that in that low is a little blessing waiting for you to find, allow yourself to open your heart, to feel your love, to use your love.  So I am a mother, yet in the motherhood I've become love, I've become a role model, I've become a woman making her life the best that we could of ever dreamed of. 

Today grief is something all people are speechless about, it is a topic that is voodoo to so many, in due time this little ole me will make that blossom, people will talk freely of it, out loud, no one will feel uncomfortable to speak the words of loss, everyone will understand how it is to be comfortable, to be able to approach those that grieve, grieving is like sex back in the day so hush, hush, but today I make it no longer hush, hush, I will make it as natural as it is to talk about sex.  Little ole me has a vision, yet I know in me there are no obstacles I can not do, I know within me alone that if fought long enough it will be.  Within us all is a person with a special quality to change this world for the better, we just have to reach in us to fight to find it.  I am so proud that in my life my husband passed was a gift to prove to me unconditional love exists, that within him was a gift to gift to my life, to open my heart, mind along with soul to what it was my special quality was to change this world.

So in this life we live there are always something for us to dream of, there are always challenges that make us move from our comfort zones yet it is in that space where we need to be to find little pieces of our dreams, it is in us all to understand that not one person does not possess these little pieces of dreams.  Mothers out there this is a job that is truly like no other, the toughest job we bare yet in us all lays the truest, greatest of role models for our child /children to look up to, to know that through us their life is a shinning light to never be shaded.  Being a mother is truly the one greatest of miracles we carry with us through our entire life, every single day.  Its a blessing to us all to use it with nothing but pure, unconditional love.  Show our child/children that nothing is impossible, show them that love is what needs be in this world.  I say that no matter how big or small dreams are they are ours to happen, they are ours to teach us things in this life we live.  Say it out loud for everyone to hear, let the universe share your words. 

This was all intended to be a biography yet has turned into so much more, this all I can truly say is a piece of my heart, secrets that I have always felt shy to say ALOUD, yet in that fear of speaking out loud I come to realise that it is just that,  a fear, in that fear I know lays my dream, to say out loud uncovers it, fears no longer will take control of my thoughts, tonight I make peace with the fears, I know that in them all pieces of the puzzle to my dream will connect.  Make peace within you to feel nothing but quietness all around, take the stand to boot the fear out for good.  Tonight I type away a little piece of my heart, thoughts that I have never really wanted to say out loud, yet it is in the out loud dreams are being made.  Always speak out loud, keep nothing in silence, no worries of what others may say, feel, think, its not them to be worried about, your life is for you, your special gift is for you no matter what others may think of it.  Always say to anything presented to you that seems over powering "BRING IT ON" not anything over powers your love nor your strength, in that challenge is your lesson in your life you need to be taught.

NOTE TO ALL:  Be the person that you were gifted to be to this world, deep down inside you is someone to change this world for the best, not one person is hollow with out this.  Take your love gifted to you to use it out in the world you are in.  Perhaps through you and your experiences lays a teacher to someone else that crosses your path. 

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Don't Dismiss The Grieving

Often times I have come across lists of things to say to those that grieve, there is no more than one thing on my list, that should be on all lists.  No words are needed to be said, hug them, in silence is the only way.  Those who are grieving just want to know you are there, that you can be there, we want to know that through it all we are loved, that someone does care, no words are needed your love along with a hug is all.  It is too often I have realised just how many will turn their backs not due to not caring but for the fact they do not know the words to say, they do not know how to make it all better.  If you understand that there is nothing to say or do then you will understand that there is nothing uncomfortable about embracing those that grieve.

It is worse to the hearts that grieve to see so many not show anything, to see those familiar faces we loved so much end up no longer there, so as we grieve for our loved ones passed we also grieve for those familiar faces that have turned and walked away.  If you really are there, if you really love those that grieve then no doubt you will find your way to be there for them.  To those uncomfortable, do not be anything but love, no words, not anything will make everything better, being in silence with no words is more powerful then you think.  As someone who grieves I do know that so many will turn away due to being uncomfortable, I also understand it is through it all you find who the true ones are.  My list to what to say to those that grieve is NOTHING, simply stand with them in silence, hug them as well as let them know you care, let them know you love them. 

In the beginning of grief our world is no longer, life as we knew it is no longer, to see others disappear affects our hearts, our thoughts, our process of grieving.  To see so many we trusted, we loved,  turn their cheek has more impact on us that no one can ever realise.  As time goes on we understand that it is the truest of ones that always walk with us on the path as we grieve.  Yet it is in the beginning that support as well as love is the most important, our lives die, to see so many familiar faces no longer hits us with an impact that no words describe.  As we go by we understand that it is OK to see the ones that have left us, we understand the true ones that stand will forever be.  It is through love along with support that helps our grieving hearts start to mend, our pain takes in the love to lift the pain away.  So when your thinking its OK to not to of said nothing you are wrong it is everything that you have not.  Even if you don't walk that path fully with those who grieve, knowing you are still there gives hope, gives love.

I have been blessed to have so many that are still here beside me through my walk of grief yet I still feel the brokenness of those I thought would be that are not.  The lessons in grief are many, the things we become, the things we see, the love that we feel, the true colours that shine through are truly blessings to our lives.  It is through it all you truly see the true colours of life in everything.  Right now through this post I want people to just understand to love, no matter how hard, no matter how difficult just let those in need know you love.  It does not matter if you can not find the words, the silence will tell more then you will ever know.  Let the broken hearted know there is hope, that through you the hope will restore.  Through you the love will never be forgotten, that the love never goes anywhere in pain, through you the grieving know their smile will return. 

The beauty in grieving lays in the hands of the love as well as support that others can give to us all.  Through the love and support we see there is hope, that our darkness fades just a little, it is through it we understand we can get through the days, it is through it we find our strength, we find out that in that lesson us to can still reach out to others as well to help.  A grieving soul should never look around them to see no one, they should always look around to see love, to see faces they have loved in their life for so long still standing with them, even unfamiliar faces that have stood up to walk with them through grief.  Sometimes in life we are presented with people we have never thought of, it is through those people we understand life has a way of always putting someone in our life at a time we most need them.  I am amazed by the people who have been put in my life through this path I am walking in grieving.  It is Gods little blessings to our hearts that we find these people, it is through God they are put in to our life to touch our hearts to help break our pain.

To all grieving hearts that may feel alone, always understand as well as know that you are never alone, if not one familiar face is around you, reach out to those you may not know, it is in the finding anew you will see that you are not alone, sometimes it is in the finding the love you deserve through grief is the truest of blessings in your life.  You will never ever be alone, love will always surround you even if you have to reach out to grab a hold of it, do not ever be afraid to ask for help, do not ever feel you can not ask for help, it is easy, it is part of life to want help.  Know deep in your hearts you are not alone, that no one is ever alone, it may be quiet, it may be dark, yet in it all there will always be someone who will stand with you.  Sometimes you just have to make the noise first before you hear it around you.  So remember these words and say them loudly if need be no matter how hard "I NEED HELP". 

NOTE TO ALL:  Do not ever feel that you can not help those that grieve, or turn away simply due to not knowing what to say, it is in the silence that as well as being there the grieving know you care, your love along with being there lifts our hearts above the pain we feel trapped in.  No matter how uncomfortable face that feeling to fight it, to be there for those you care.  To those that grieve it is in us as well to reach out to people in need no matter how hard our pain is, it is through the loving that we feel the pain less, by helping others we feel nothing but love as well as joy.  I say to all that grieve PRAY, it seems so simple yet it is powerful, it will lift your heart far and above all the pain.  

To all grieving hearts know in your heart in time you will see many come, many go, yet you will see the most important full of love that never left.  Do not let your heart feel for the ones that left, yet only for the ones that have stayed.  Know in your heart that every second gone by will lead to a day you have made it through your pain.  Don't dwell on the negative when so much positive surrounds you in every tear that falls.  In your heart is a gift, your love is the truest of gift that could ever be.  Your loved ones passed love is what carries through your love, their lessons to us is what keeps them with us forever.

 



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