Good Thoughts

 

Coming from my own personal experience through grief, it has been the one thing that has lifted me up through all my darkest moments in grief, on the heavy days I had to program my mind over and over again to directly seek the good times, the good thoughts, although in tremendous pain this may seem hard, in time you do it so often that eventually as soon as you feel the pain you go to that thought right away.  I always tell others that speak of tremendous pain that through it each time the pain finds its way to your heart to immediately put in your mind that "happy thought".  Although at first it is so difficult to keep reminding yourself, the more you allow yourself to do it the easier it will come.  If in the beginning it is too painful to think of a happy time with your loved ones passed pick another happy moment , or just simply make one up, being on the beach, something that makes you smile.  Eventually you will see that your happy thought will automatically go to a time you can remember with your loved ones passed, that in that moment it does not hurt to remember it.
 

In that dark place we all go to it is a place where soon enough we turn on our own light, we soon enough know right away where we are headed, we right away click the switch to brighten the dark that was.  Each as well as every time you feel that pain our minds get use to immediately going to that special happy moment that in time our mind knows exactly what to do.  It is not easy, the pain at first over powers our minds, it leaves us surrounded by a fog that never lifts, yet little by little we find that happy moment, even if it is just for a little bit.  Soon enough we find that happy moment quickly, allowing the pain to lift little by little as we find our smile through it.  This is not an easy fix, it is not a way to avoid, it is just simply a way to make a break in all the pain we do feel through grief.  Soon enough we find out that those dark clouds lift, that the clouds seem a little lighter, that our happy moment is our embrace to a smile we thought would never be.  That smile we start seeing more often fills our heart with hope, it shows us we can smile again, that it won't be forever we feel like this. 
 

Find your happy thought and use it, just try to replace it when you feel those bad moments coming on, use it to see that you can smile, you can feel something other then pain.  Use it each as well as every time you feel the pain, soon enough we will automatically, naturally just go there.  In it we see that the pain is there yet we understand that our smile, our good thoughts, our hopes, our feeling good has not gone anywhere for good.  When we see we can feel good through it, we see that it hasn't gone any where we just allowed the pain to take over our happy thoughts.  I did this through my whole entire grieving path I walk, each time I seen I still had my smile and good thoughts, the pain got lighter, a little of it was left behind me.  It is like watching a bad show on TV then flicking the station to a show we like so much to immediately feel excited as well as happy to see it on TV.  Your smile, your happiness, your hopes, your good belly feelings are there they never leave you, you just have to fight more to feel them through the pain.  In this life it is up to us to tell the story, it is up to us to be the hero in our story, we are the ones that make how the out come will be. 
 

Through the darkness find your happy moment to shed light on the darkness to understand all good has not gone any where it is just not seen in the dark.  It is amazing how through such tragic times the most beautifulest of blessings take place leaving you in awe.  Our old life never goes anywhere it just becomes different, we take that love with us through it all, our loved ones passed touch our hearts through it all.  In our happy thoughts the light becomes brighter and brighter, the darkness becomes faint, that soon enough that pain lifts to feel lighter and lighter.  We feel lighter, the world on our shoulders lift to become a path in front of us to all we believe we want to accomplish.  In the start of it all you may not feel this, yet little by little you will see your smile, once you see that smile you know the pain is not stronger then you.  Yes there is no way to get rid of our pain yet there is a way to get that break from it, that soon enough turns in to longer and longer breaks, showing to our hearts that we are not broken we were never broken. 
 

The pain starts to lift through our happy thoughts, it shows our hearts that there is hope, the more we see our happy thoughts the more we see the dark get brighter, the more we find our own way to turn on the lights.  Pain will always be,  yet the strength of it weakens day by day.  Through the toughest of our times we understand in us is enough strength to make it through the seconds, the hours, the days, once we see that we understand "yes we can do it" it may be hard, it may be tough but we can make it through, we start to understand that if we make it through the most painful of things that other things become easier, we see that things we were afraid of are no longer to be afraid of, we find our self finding out just what we are capable of doing in this new life we build. 

My happy moment become a time my husband and I were driving home to stumble across these three furry babies, my husband passed had a heart bigger than this world for animals, he spotted these babies right away and could not stop fast enough, not caring who was behind or who was around lol.  He could not get to them fast enough, I have never seen a skunk so small, here there was these three little puff balls so tiny running around the lawn, so small they stumbled as they walked, the look on my husband passed face was priceless, it was as though in that moment he was back to being a child, the love in his eyes brightened up the night, then once I realised and it clicked in OMG SKUNKS my chicken butt ran across the street lol.  My husband passed did not even flinch, he stood there around them smiling, he looked at them with such love that being sprayed never crossed his mind once.  The little guys thankfully were too small to spray but yet you could see them lifting their butts as well as tails wanting to spray my husband passed but falling each time due to being so brand new. 

I could see in that moment in time my husband passed was in his moment where nothing else existed, his smile, his laugh, his love pierced a feeling in my heart I will never forget, that even typing this makes me feel so full of love as well as puts a smile on my face that never leaves.  Thinking of this moment over powers any pain that I have felt, any pain that tries to invade my heart, to this day it lifts the pain to turn it in to love, it turns it in to my light.  Oh yes I forgot to say my husband passed was crazy enough and so in love with these furry baby skunks he wanted to bring them home, yea we know the ending to that lol. 

NOTE TO ALL:  USE that happy moment, that happy thought through the darkness that surrounds you, even if in the beginning it is something you make up, for me in the beginning the happy thought/moment was nothing to do with my husband passed due to it being too hard to think of, my happy moment in the beginning was a place I always wanted to go to, in my thoughts I imagined a story of how it would be to be there.  In time we exchange that pain to a smile allowing our self to fight the pain, allowing our self to lift some of the pain, we allow our self to understand that we control the pain, the pain does not take away our happiness, we fight the pain to conquer our life, we take back our life by allowing those little breaks that soon become bigger, greater breaks, in those happy moments we find the love never leaves us, our loved ones passed touch our hearts to allow us to find our smile, our hopes, our love.  USE YOUR MOMENT, free your heart, free yourself from the dark and turn on your light.

 



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Part 2 - Facing Each Achievement Rapidly Successful

F-acing E-each A-achievement R-rapidly S-successful

It is not until facing my grief that I have learned what truly turned my life around, it is through my husband passed I learned the lessons of my life.  To of known me then to see me now, no confidence, no hope, no dreams, not feeling good enough, lacking energy to do anything, yet through him I have blossomed into the butterfly I was always meant to be.  Had it not been for him or becoming a mother I would be forever in a cocoon.  Fears I see now are nothing but obstacles in our life we need to face to get out what it is we always ever dreamed of, to go around is the shortcut that leaves you forever unsatisfied.  To neglect the situations in life is giving your dreams up, in each situation a little piece of our dreams lay, leading to your one big dream, dreams.  In all of us that grieve it is not to ignore, it is there to look at right in the eyes to take the climb, it may be far yet in us all lays a strength that no one will ever know just how much until the climb is conquered.  It is through the battle little by little our fears are being defeated slowly unravelling our goals, our dreams, our life.

It was not until I was sitting on my couch being upset as well as shocked thinking how I have put the fear of grief on the back burner I realised what it was as well as what it meant to my life to go face to face with it and start the climb.  Through grief there are many things we fight on a daily basis that hurts us like no other pain yet at the end of the day we see we never stopped facing grief, facing fear in the eyes, we start to notice the endless doors open to us, they open little by little unfolding our goals, our dreams, we understand that through the dark we pull in the light each as well as everyday we walk the walk of grief.  It is not only through the grieving you face your fears, it is through any kind of situations that need to be faced yet to some they go around, they take the shortcut finding they are always going in circles not accomplishing anything.  So fears are not our fears, they are not something to be scared of, they are there waiting for us to take the climb, to meet them half way, it is pieces of your life waiting for you to reach it, to unfold it.

I can not express to you all the beauty, the peace, the dreams, the goals, the beauty of life that came from this year of grief, it absolutely knocks me off my feet in realisation to how my life has changed, how I look to the world, how my heart feels to others that I do not even know, when I look to a stranger I see a piece of me in them, I instantly feel love for them, I realise in them they to fight the fight in making their dreams come true, although it may be different it is still their dream, it is still worth grabbing on to.  When I think of my past my heart smiles in the knowing of now, it smiles to my life and says THANK YOU.  When I look around my heart feels full, life outside looks bright as well as crisp, I smile in knowing this is how it was always suppose to be, the love of my life touched my life to make all of me see how life should be, he is my life lesson, in to the future I will carry him with me.  Through him I will use his lessons to reach outward to others to keep his legacy alive.  Through him I have come to understand to just love, to love those I do not even know, to love unconditionally to those in my life, to smile in knowing life is LOVE. 

Everyone always walks through life afraid, stressed in panic mode due to not seeing things in their life panning out as they need it, it is to release that, let go and understand all of what we dream of will happen, in due time our life will be, it will flow, facing your fears is what needs be to help it along, to get the pieces of the puzzles that are missing, let go of the panic to understand there is nothing to be panicking for, it may not happen exactly how we imagined it yet in its own way it is our goals, achievements, dreams all there unfolding to our one big dream we have always felt in our hearts.  Too much energy is put in to the what if, to just smile, to just walk in your life to love every second is what you need to understand is part of how it should be, to enjoy your baby steps to all of what you dream of, it is in the little the big evolves.  I laugh in knowing now fears are not to be afraid of, it is your life all in little pieces waiting for you to take the challenge, to walk through it, to climb the climb, pulling fear out of it.

I remember a long time ago that I have always felt a huge compassion for psychiatrists due to some of my family struggling with depression as well as myself long ago,  I have always felt in my heart that one day I want to be that person who reaches out to those in need struggling, it was in all of me that I so very desired to do, now to this day it has presented itself to my door, it has come to me, the one thing that all my life I wanted to do has finally knocked on my door, yet it may be in a different way it is still what I have always longed to be, it presented itself in the way of helping people grieve, different, yet still what I have always wanted to do.  I see how in life things do not come when we want it, they come when they need to be in the exact moment they need be.  Writing a book I once thought I could never do is in the works, endless emails of offers I have always dreamed of are barricading my email, yet when I wanted it all so very badly it was silent, now after letting go and trusting it will be,  it all over flows in to my life.  To stress of what it is we want that we don't have is a second wasted in our beautiful life we should be smiling as well as loving.

Ask yourself what it is that makes you brighten up from inward out, take that one thing or perhaps many things use it to fuel your life, use it to push you upward, use it to give you strength in your climb.  Remember fear is not to fear, fear is pieces of your life that need to be accomplished.  Fears are your pieces of the puzzle you need.  Use your light, we all have a light within us, use it to brighten up your life, your story, use it to shine through this whole entire world, be the light we all need to wear sunglasses for to see.  Once you get this, once you see all of this you no longer walk touching ground, you float, your feet never feel rock bottom.  It is up to us to find that in our life, let go to just flow, to just be all of what you are.  Not one person has anything over you, we all got here the exact same way, dreams are not limited they are forever there for everyone who faces the challenges, to those that unfold that fear is our friend, fear is our life pieces.  Grieving has taught me my life lesson, my husband passed has touched my life to see life.  It is through him I have become who I have always needed to be, that I still strive to become.  His life knocked on my door to prove that true love is exactly what life is, what life should be, what everyone needs to be. 

Happiness is not ever what you seek, happiness is what you give to yourself, happiness is how we think,  it is how we program our mind, it will never be what is out of you, around you, so don't seek it just feel it.  This right here is a whole other post lol.  Once we stop seeking it to know it is what we think then everything else comes with it.  Thank you Michael Lawrence for reaching out to me in the most trying time in my life.  This man truly has given so much to just help me see what it was that was right there in front of me, to understand how things are invisible to us if we don't understand that happiness is up to our mind.  Happiness is with in us all it is there for us to take a hold of not letting go.  Like love is life, happiness is life if you let it be. 

My butterfly that visited me every single day I understand now it was telling me a story, it was trying to make me realise that now I have become the butterfly I have always been, the wings have always been there they just needed to be nourished as well as recognised.

NOTE TO ALL:  All of the things in our life we feel are failures or painful are really part of our story that teach us, that brings us to our goals in due time.  Stressing for things not working out are a waste to our life, finding the answer to it is what will lead us to our next step we need, things do not happen for no reason they happen to show us something, they happen to make us pay attention to find out the why.  The fears are not fears to us, they are pieces of our story, our life, they are there to be faced to unfold what it is we have achieved, to show us our dreams.  Things do not happen as we may of visioned them to,  yet still come to our lives as a blessing, it is still our dream just dressed in a different way.  Take that one thing that makes you shine to use it to rise you above all the bad.  Negative people in your life need to be left behind if they can not find the light with in them.  As painful as it is to see that one person is negative that you have to let go in the end it is for good reason.  Never ever walk around your obstacles in life, the shortcut is you denying yourself of a piece of your life.  All bad times will only be as bad as you let it be, that to is part of our life to make us understand where we need to be headed.  Never ever let go of yourself, or your dreams.  Keep climbing,  the hill is only as steep as you make it to be.

 

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Part 1 - Facing Each Achievement Rapidly Successful

F-facing E-each A-achievement R-rapidly S-successful

 

FEARS

 

On the day I sat down to notice what it was I needed to do for myself I remember how it was, it was as though I felt like I have failed myself, that in shock I could not understand how it came about, how I let it get this far?.  It was never about the asking for help, I was not someone who felt shy at all about asking for help, yet here I was finding myself to have to ask for help, yet stunned as to how it got this far.  Through the year I discovered all of me was in full fighter mommy mode, it was in all of me to jump into the role of all out PROTECTOR, to do what ever it was in me I could do to make sure our little girl was strong, to make sure she made it through this all the best way possible.  Not even noticing that in that time I went into total mommy mode today I sit to understand how that is exactly what it was I have done.  As a parent we do so many things not realising sometimes we put our child/children first due to the fact that it is natural instincts to us.  Through it all my whole intentions were driven around to making my little girl well, to be strong for her to heal, for it to be as less painful as I can make it.  Now over a year later I find myself having to deal with my pain, I started to see things that just should not be, I felt as though there were so many issues that were just not right, that should of been at ease by now, I fought with an over whelming feeling of things yet undone. 

The day I decided to reach out was a feeling I could never ever describe, I knew what I had to do yet felt I wanted to just do it all myself, I wanted to just handle it myself, asking for help is never an easy task yet in this life it is a must, it is a part of our life to let people in at times when we need the extra strength.  With in the weeks before there was something inside me whispering "you need to reach out", "you owe it to you now to be better, to get better", "you owe it to your little girl, you owe it to your husband passed".  I just remember the feeling of complete and utter ALONE, the feeling of failure, yet in me I knew it was nothing but the opposite of that, yet in a lot of ways we feel the impact in a horrific way.  Here I was one year later feeling worse then I did less than a year ago, that really caught my attention, you could ask yourself how a gazillion times to never find out the answers.  Sometimes in every ones life you hit the road of needing a hand, you find no other options to it, it does not mean anything except it makes you a stronger person, we are not here to be alone through anything, we often reach out to so many to help,  so why look at it as being weak if we get help?.  Asking for help shows just how much strength you have within you.  We have to erase the thoughts of always needing to do it on our own, sometimes in life we need the love of another, we need the extra hands of love to help lift us up through the obstacles of life we face.

For everyone that is grieving that feels as though they are alone with no options, afraid to take that step, I say to you all to find it within your heart to just say the words "I NEED HELP" it is not a sign of any kind of weakness, it is a sign of strength, it is  a sign of facing your fears.  Grieving is something we must understand that is unpredictable, it is something that always carries with us in our hearts.  It is others that may make you feel as though something is wrong with you due to many reasons, it has nothing to do with others opinions and all to do with your heart.  So much has happened since I have boldly asked for those three words "I need help" that it blows my mind to take notice in it all.  Facing your fears is truly where all of your hopes, dreams, love lays.  Your fears once banished unveil all of everything you have ever envisioned once you have faced it, I truly see now that fears are really not fears, there fears in disguise to all the doors of greatness you ever thought of.  Facing your fears opens the doors one after another, to an endless dream of all your dreams.

On the day of my first meeting for grief, I remember feeling as though it was not even me, I felt as though it was me watching a movie, still not believing that this is where I was at, still not grasping the concept, feeling complete shock, yet all of me felt as though it was where I needed to be.  That whole day was an outer body experience, I remember just feeling blank.  So on the first day it was a one on one session and all of me went fighting as well as kicking.  In this meeting there was a question that took all of me to answer, to keep the tears away was not a battle I won.  I was asked "if I could of had a magic crystal ball to see into the future, would I have done everything I have?, with out hesitation I answered "YES" along with the rush of tears, there was my answer, in any kind of love in this life heartache will follow, it is in this life that LOVE is what we all need, LOVE is what makes our world.  As tough as it may be we all will choose love, not thinking of the heartache, yet just truly fully loving is what we focus on.  What is life with out love?.  We are LOVE.  I remember telling her our story was a real life fairytale love story, sometimes fairy tales do not have a happy ending, specially if it is in real life.  True love however will always last and be forever.  If you are out there feeling hopeless know in your heart the fears you will face are only in disguise to all of your answers, your dreams, your goals.  Reach as far as you can out and just let go, you are not in this world to be alone, you are not here to struggle, you are here to make your story have the out come you feel fit to be.

So through this all after seeing my fears unfold in to the air, I see doors opening that I have always felt in my heart to do, one after another the doors flew open leading me to all of what it was I have ever wanted.  That is when I knew in my heart that your fears are only just in disguise to make you step out of your comfort zone, to feel that beyond there is where you need not to be afraid of.  In grief our life on a daily basis is full of fears, it is through that I understand why it is we find our ways to all of our dreams, our goals, our ambitions, it is through that we truly open up to see everything a whole lot brighter in this life we are living.  In times of great pain this is there, we just have to give time to see it, to feel it, to reach so far in us to grab on to it.  That is most important, FEEL YOUR GRIEF, we all try so hard to hide from it due to knowing we will feel such horrific pain.  It is in all of us to do, just know in your heart that pain is not forever, like the seasons change so does the pain, nothing will ever be forever.

On the day of the group session again I almost wanted to just go somewhere to hide, I went kicking as well as fighting again, I felt the anxiety bursting in me for most of the time I was there.  Yet in it all I come to of met the most beautiful people, in this group layed people of the same hurt, there tears were in tune to all of what I have felt, to me during this time it was as though an instant bond was created.  I looked to each of these people with the greatest of love, I seen me in every single one of them, my heart instantly loved.  It was a very magical moment, once tears were shed you could see in every ones face as though they felt relief, they smiled knowing they really are not alone, that what they feel is not abnormal, they found others to reach out to, to laugh with, to cry with and not feel different.  A pure magical moment in this room happened that no words will ever describe.  Friendships of a lifetime through pain were created, friendships as well as love were formed through each and every one of our fears. 

NOTE TO ALL:  In life to reach the absolute greatness of your life is all there in disguise of your fears.  Fears are not at all something to be afraid of, they are there waiting for you to pull off the covers to reveal your goals, achievements, your dreams.  Every fear you face is a piece of the puzzle being put together to all of what you have ever wanted in your life, your fears are not at all something to be afraid of.  Fears are magical, they are your story waiting to be revealed, waiting to unfold to tell your story.  In grieving the fears are endless, that is why so much happens for the best that we have never noticed before.  Our loved ones passed lay in each and every fear to smile as we uncover them all, to love us in each of those fears.  Feel your grief, in the fear of the greatest pain you will ever feel will unfold to blessings of everything you ever thought of.  I have had so many dreams happen unexpectedly through this that it makes my mind dizzy, that all will be in my next post :), having to see all of this happen only makes me see that FEARS ARE TO BE FACED, it proves that fears are really part of our life in disguise to all of what we wanted in our life.

Part two to this will be next.

 



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