The Mysterious Tombstone (Part 1)

 

 

A little short story that come to mind that wanted to write about this is part 1 coming soon part 2

 

 

Jenna always walked to and from her work each day, no matter the weather, rainy, cold, snow, hot it didn’t matter she always found the time to take a detour past a cemetery where she would always find the headstone of something that she knew meant something to her life, to her heart, as it read “Never got to say good bye, always loved and in my heart”, the weird thing of this head stone was where the date of who it was and when born and when died was a mystery, it read “Jeremy Jacobs June 7, 1973 – the year of death was not there.  After standing for a little while Jenna would move onto where she needed to be, sometimes Jenna would just walk over there in her own time to see this headstone, she knew deep in her heart there was meaning to it but never admitted to her heart or life what it was that meant to her.  Jenna was a lady so full of spark, a dreamer that took life by a strong hold to make all of her dreams come true, she was a lady so full of love, always bringing a smile to whoever it was she walked by and to those she loved so much and friends that were near and dear to her heart.  Jenna had many people in her life of great support and love.

Her life was at the peak of all her dreams coming true, she was a writer for a high profiled newspaper in New York and proud to be where she had made it to.  Yet through it all her friends and family could not understand where Jenna’s spark had gone, why knowing all her dreams were coming true how she just wasn’t happy as she used to be, her spark was no longer.  It was as though something had happened in the past two months that laid a mystery to all that were close to her but never fully could grasp why.  Always asking her, she would always answer “just too busy, I haven’t changed it is just more busy of a life I lead now”.  Her friends knew of a man she dated for quite some time that was no longer around that they just assumed they had broken up and that had put Jenna in a rut.  Jenna was not the same girl and those that love her never knew what they could do or say to help her if they never knew what exactly it was that was wrong.  Her mom’s come to the conclusion that it was the mysterious unseen boyfriend no longer around; she was convinced it was a breakup that had her acting like she was.  Jenna’s mom asked several times “you know you could talk to me about anything, if you broke up than it will take some time an you will bounce back, each day gets easier you will see”, each time her mom spoke those words Jenna’s eyes would fill with tears.  That lead to Jenna’s mom knowing for sure they had broken up but Jenna never wanted to speak of it.

Jenna looked to her mom after every time she was asked that question that “I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t ever want to talk about it”.  No one ever really wanted to ask anything knowing how she felt towards the questions, they knew not to pry that hopefully in time she will be back to the Jenna they knew of before.  Each room were of pictures of Jenna and her boyfriend which also lead to her friends and loved ones wondering why would she have the shrine of memories all around her if they had broken up?  Never asking knowing something mysteriously was there but knowing Jenna never took heart in wanting to discuss anything of the sort or the situation, it was as though she was running from it to not want to feel it.  Jenna each and every day was going through her life, not living it, just going through the motions and never wanting to anything out of her normal life style of going to work and coming home.  Her friends forever asked her to go out but Jenna never wanted anything to do with that, being at home and work was all she did the bare necessity of what she had to do in her life and that was it. 

To know of Jenna before that again was not at all was what she was like, her love for life, food, being with all the beautiful people in her life was something very important, but lately that had slipped away.  She wandered her home every night looking to all the pictures of memories around her, no emotion, no facial expressions just as though in an art gallery observing the art work on the wall not having any special meaning but something to look at.  Jenna on nights she could not sleep would always wander to that grave yard to see the headstone, standing starring Jenna never showed emotion, yet all of her felt something in her that wanted to take her to her knees, as quick as that feeling came on Jenna denied whatever it was to walk away knowing as long as she was there that is all she needed, never letting why it was she was there to be fully taken in, to let the why have enough time to make it into her heart nor mind.

 

It was a rainy Saturday night, as usual Jenna was home wandering her home as always starring to the pictures that surrounded her in each room she walked in to.  The bell rang at her front door, not expecting anyone she was hoping it be who she missed so much, answering the door it was her friends, but with them was a man, a man Jenna knew but not that well.  She glanced at her friends with a look of not so inviting, they glanced at each other but entered at their own risk.  “Jenna this is James, he came out with us for dinner and tagged along because we just wanted to stop by to see how you were doing”, Jenna looked to all of them thinking to herself “set up?”  Why would her friends even have enough gull in them to set her up, they know nothing of her recent history, they don’t know of her situation and after all it has been only two months since they’ve seen Jeremy was not around, how is that ever enough time for anyone to move on?”  She thought to herself, actually she screamed in her mind, if she could she would scream it now but did not want to even open the gates of what is wrong with you? Like so many times all over again. 

Jennifer asked “so what are you up to tonight Jenna”, as always short answered and not caring Jenna answered “nothing”.  Jennifer looked to Erika, Dienna, and James with a look in her eye of great worry.  Jennifer felt that this is not the friend she knew of, where is the friend she knew?  What is going on with her, ok if she has a heartache fine but Jenna has been through break ups before and never was it to this extreme, she was always opened and still the same person she was but this time around it was as though she had no desire, no life in her, it was as though she wanted no one in her life, to be alone and not bothered and that was never how she was ever.  “Well if you all don’t mind I’d like to go rest, it’s late”, Jenna had said, the most words ever spoken, they all looked at the clock to see it was 7:30 and looked to one another not knowing and just wanting to understand what was wrong with their friend they cared for so much.  Erika answered “Ok we will head out, do you want to come?”  Jenna shook her head no but said “thanks for asking you all have fun”.  As they left Jenna already knew the awkwardness felt by all would lead to be told to her Mom, as always like before.

Jenna knew she changed but her heart didn’t care, she knew she would never be the same but the denial consumed her all as to why she would be.  It didn’t matter what others thought she knew she was changed and she would never be the same.  That it didn’t matter why it was no one’s business and besides how it could be anyone’s business if to her own self she would not succumb to her own reality.  Her dreams were all of reality but not even that mattered to her.   All that mattered is she made it through the days with less people, conversations and being alone.  The less conversations meant the less questions she was so tired of hearing, because in those questions were answers of nothing of what she wanted to feel or admit.  In her own time maybe but for now she totally wanted to feel, know or talk of nothing.

 

Christmas was on its way and that was the season Jenna loved most but these days nothing was felt, nothing was of importance, everything was dark and cold where she was.  She even knew the people close to her would be guessing and pushing once they see that she was not that happy crazy Christmas loving girl, she so many times wanted to run away and just be alone where no one was around but sometimes being around her love and support helped her no matter how much she was being interrogated.  Her mother was the most important to her, yet where she was at in her life no one could help her if she couldn’t bear to face reality herself.  Picking up a picture of the shrine that was all around her she laid down to close her eyes wishing to sleep for a year.  She hugged the pillow and picture under the covers as she did every night before falling asleep.  Not one tear would fall, totally emotionless she would shortly fall asleep.

When she woke, she woke yet again to the door bell, getting up quick she dropped the picture and it shattered as it hit the ground, racing to get to the door she cut her foot, as she opened the door her mother startled could see the blood, “Oh my goodness what have you done?, do you not know your bleeding?  What is going on in here”?   Jenna looked to her mom “I am ok it’s a little cut I broke a picture frame, really why do you make things bigger that what they are”? She snapped.  Her mother in disbelief never talked to her by that just looked at her.  “I’ll be back I’m going clean up the glass and bandage my foot”.  Her mother really did have no words in all the thirty-eight years Jenna has never spoken as she did just right now.  I mean they had their daughter, mother arguments but the tone and feeling as though she was not wanted was never of before.  Jenna came back out looking to her mom as her mom looked in shock, “Do you want anything”?  Drink? You want something to eat? Her mother didn’t even answer.  “Mom really what did you expect me to do, you startled me as I was sleeping and I snapped, sorry”.  “It doesn’t matter I just don’t get what is wrong with you and I am your mother and very worried by this person in front of me, this person I do not even know anymore”.  “Really mom, I am who I have always been, why read into things more than you need to?  “Ok Jenna you win as always you get to keep all to yourself bottled up, I am not going to care if that is the way you want to be.  Your friends don’t even know who you are anymore, and that is to show it’s not just me knowing the change in you”. 

“Mom I don’t know what to say to you maybe I have changed but I am so tired of always being questioned, please just leave it be”.  Jenna went into the kitchen to take a drink of water as if the conversation never existed.  Her mother stood behind her in disbelief that something terribly is wrong and her daughter is not letting anyone in.  “Ok Jenna, I’ m going to do some shopping, would you like to come”?  Jenna wanted in her every being to say no but to cut from the questioning and to make some what of the badgering and others knowing something was definitely off she agreed to go with her mom.  While getting ready, Jenna’s mom walked around looking to all these pictures and shaking her head in confusion as to why she would keep them out if the broke up happened two months now, why would she want to be in constant memory to a relationship that did not make it?  She could not rap her mind around it but she definitely knew her daughter was suffering that her life was being sucked out of her.  Jenna came out grabbed her purse an her and her mom left to go shopping, inside Jenna all of her being was being held back, she did not want to leave, she did not want to shop, she did not want to be around people but to stop the so many questions she went using all energy she had in her. 

 Part 2 coming soon

 

 



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The Spirit of Birthday Year Two

 

 

 

When a change comes into your world full of shock, devastation and of great pain shattering all you are, all you have, all your dreams it’s as though you wait for your eyes to open to see that it just was really a dream.  Two years ago this was my nightmare that to my surprise was no dream, I can’t explain enough how shattered your whole life comes to many little pieces laying around all over you as you look to those little pieces to see in each of them a future of what was supposed to of been.  You look to each piece as your tears never seem to find the way to stop from hitting rock bottom to where you soon you feel you are.  When I say two years it seems it is long yet in me and my heart it feels like as though just yesterday and the sting of the realisation of what was never ever leaves me, especially on days that are of special significance to the greatest of love lost.  As those days approach there is no way of knowing just exactly how it will approach you to be and feel, there is no amount of preparation to make sure the impact won’t be as hard as it was last year, it is never of the same.  This today I know because it is definitely not how I thought I’d be, but also know that to understand it is ok to miss, to cry, to take time in silence, to just take in the day fully to be gentle to you and all the love around you.

Today my husband passed he would be sixty-four, to know to honor his life and fill my heart of our greatest of memories is what should be but at the same time I know the tears will fall and the pain will sting for just a little while throughout this day.  It is better to your soul you walk through whatever the day brings to you to ignore and act as though nothing is there, to walk through is to honor your love for the other, to walk through is going through the hard work of grief that your life will forever feel.  In it lays your little pieces of strength, knowledge, love, things of lessons that are new, things to be of great significance to you and your heart and the life you are building to a new now.  To forever deny your grief is to forever deny your life of growth, to signs, to blessings, to see what it is you’ve done to come so far from the day you felt there was no possible way to ever be where you are now.   Honoring my husband’s love I smile in the so many of special blessings, love, joy and wondrous of things he’s brought to my life now.

The weather is gloomy and rainy here today but his love in me is all the sunshine I need, even the weather tells me a story of how the wondrous of love and life was taken away here on earth that it is crying for lives of so many that lost a man that was of the greatest unconditional love to so many people who still remain standing without that person in the flesh.  Today is a reminder that I reflect on all that I was and that I’ve become because of my husband passed.  Our daughter the most is always a remembrance of that great love that will always be in us around us and watching every step we make, all of her is a vision of her dad and our huge love never to be cut from us all.  That line of love will always remain.  To bare a smile today is the most challenging of things to do but remembering our moments and love of the strongest brings me that smile I feel is so far away, the love around me I want to push away goes nowhere because that love is true love that never abandons you through every day of your life, the ones that stuck by you that truly touched your heart on any days, good, bad, it is just there to be the push you need to keep walking through it all.

 

 

You as a person have not changed, the future that you planned on has an to know that it is not a new future you ever wanted or still may not want it is still yours to own, an giving up is not the option.  I know in my heart I was stuck in the moving forward part but know now what a miracle of so many blessings that I have made the baby steps through it all, to pick out the beauty no matter how hard it was to see.  You see we don’t ever lose grief or get rid of it we learn to put it in a special place to live with it and understand our hearts recognise that and accept but accept to know the pain never stands with you for long it is the love of those we lost that stands with us to touch our hearts to see the beauty of what is.  I am strong, I am walking through grief, I am meaningful to this world, I am making a difference to the lessons learned, I am strong enough, I am worth it, I am still full of the love of the unconditional that never leaves, I am God’s love, I am prayer, I AM worthy, I am moving into light, I am and can move forward to make all in my heart become my reality, I am a reason here in this world full of purpose.  Say all of that you feel of I AM’S so the universe will hear you and send each I AM back to you and your life.  I am going to be the person my loved one passed knew I could be.

It frustrates me to see that many believe their life has ended, that they can’t go on because it is not true, far from the truth and something each and every one of our loved ones passed would not want you to be, feel nor do.  That no matter how long it takes it is in you to build to a new, to accept the change and find happiness in you, that the blessings of that love and beauty are all around you to give the most powerful of strength to take you to places you thought you would never go.  In all of me I see so many, too many of people talk of it’s over, I’m staying stuck in time because the life I wanted is no longer, that life may be no longer but your life is here an because you are here you are here for a very important meaning, those you have lost that make you feel because it is not of the future you vision does not mean that it is still not something you can’t have, in each new you walk through the love of their soul walks along side of you directing you to all of where you need to go.  Giving up?  If you feel this way you truly are giving up on that unconditional love you carry and your life was blessed to you with. 

Yes I’ve been in those darkest of moments, I’ve felt all was over, yet I also found the way to rise above that through our love and the grace of God to know to give up on you is to give up on a life needed in this world, that you are of worthy to be the person you felt you wanted to be even when your loved one passed was here on earth, that to be not seen only means now you feel them and know through them where ever they may be is the force in all we take steps to achieve that where they are now they will never leave you astray, behind or forgotten, they watch over you, they give signs, if anyone in this world it is there guidance that is a force to never be reckoned with on the path they see you building to.  This is not any hooky poky talk; this actually has been lived and seen and still happening.  When your loved ones passed leave they are not gone their gift now lays in a piece of you, to find the way to keep their purpose along with yours combined moving forward and using it to build life in a higher, bigger way than before.  Honor them and honor their gift to this world.

 

 

So many of significance of beautiful blessings have moved into my life while the breaks of pain happened little by little that I see my silver linings in each and every break of pain, those silver linings are for you to see and know in your heart are there for a reason, that one after another is all belief your heart needs to see to understand they are with you for a reason.  I’m not writing this blog to make people feel as though it is easy because it is the farthest away from ever being easy, that these things just fall in your lap, but all of it is there for you to grab on to and strongly take steps each day to become whatever it is your heart is speaking to you to do and be.  All I know that through the toughest of pain and brokenness of my life I’ve found the wings that once were broken have just to my own sight seemed to be of broken each time I looked back with sad eyes full of tears, but in the breaks in pain one time you will look back to see nothing was ever broken it was in a stand still waiting for you to see that it was not broken just standing still in your tears and pain.

Who do you think hears and knows of your pain backed by the loved one passed?  A force to touch your heart alongside the love you lost, who is it you think is backing that unconditional love you lost?  That knows it was because of him you were touched by that special love?  God, he was the one that sent that person you lost in your life for reasons you start to see so clearly, feelings you feel so strongly, that you know it is of never no coincidence things align in your life are not just of coincidence, but aligned by the power of God backed with the love of your life.  Every night I pray, I pray to God, I pray to my husband passed, things prayed for may not be in the way you see should be but happen in a way even bigger than what you have prayed deep within your heart and soul.  If you are consumed in stand still motion you will never ever see the little too biggest of achievements you made in your grief.  Like last year as I walked through a crowd of people looking around to see everything decorated of Christmas to feel in my heart this year my heart was full of excitement, my whole being smiled in knowing this year I was embracing Christmas and all of what the meaning was.  I will never forget that day instead of feeling the loss I felt the joy of Christmas spirit that would have never been if my attitude was in standing still motion of darkness and pain.

It’s not in the biggest of things your heart celebrates it’s in the smallest of things that brings in the biggest of things your heart rejoices and lets all of you know just how far you have come and the beautiful person you are becoming on your own two feet, that you chose to break that standing still motion to be more than you ever thought you could be by the silver linings you grab each and every time you smile, your heart smiles, your soul shines.  Nope not going to tell a story of how easy it is, because grieving is far from that but once you take that first step you leave the prisoner of grief in the past, that you fight so much through it the strength in you tells stories to your heart that not anything you feel to be is ever hard for you to become.  That thing that you seemed to be so hard automatically becomes the easiest and that to every grieving soul is a gift to honor that love that you lost.  If not for grieving those silver linings that surrounded you invisible every day would have never been seen.  My husband passed leaving this world shattered me, and some days still does yet as I stand back up I know around me there will forever be blessings of his love, blessings of God to know in it I got back up with that love that it is there if you let it in.

 

 

Today Jean-Guy is sixty-four, as soon as I awoke I knew that it would not be an easy day, yet also knew that no matter what day it be his love be strong around me to lift me through the toughest of times an wipe my tears that fell from my cheeks in knowing our love never ever left, that in that love dreams have been built, that to see me hurt only would mean that our love was pain, that our love was love that pain had nothing to do with the glorious of life we had together so why let the pain ruin that glorious of life to remember the feeling it gave to me in that time to feel all of it now, tears are ok to let out but to not let those tears consume you is the challenge you will always face.  So like each year I fell down but not too long after I found my ways to get back up, I kind of like the falling down because in it as you rise you bring with you more and more of strength in you that you never had before, the more things you realise as you fall down you gather as you stand.  Strongly look in your heart while down to see the thing that brings you that sorrow is once was the one thing that brought the happiest to your life, remembering that will always remind you that darkness has no room in that love that you shared to stand up and go play in that’s loves brightness.  Face each fear that comes your way because in it is your light, your growth and a present to you wrapped in fear that belongs to you and who you are becoming.

Remembering our first date I remember it was a beautiful warm day and at a coffee shop we first started our connection was where I waited for him with other regulars sitting around me that I knew.  It was three hours later of the time he was supposed to be there, most would of got up and walked away but I sat knowing in my heart there was not anything to of kept him from being there when he should of, that in my heart I knew he was a part of my life not knowing how great of significance he would be but knowing something in him reached out to my heart letting me know he was meant to be in my life, to leave would never ever been known. 

As I seen a car turn into the coffee shop I smiled in knowing it was him and just knew deep down there was not anything that would have not made him show up.  As he walked in to look at me he smiled as he always did making my inside explode so full of butterflies and the feeling of great excitement, the kind of excitement you feel when you miss someone so much that has been gone for a long time an you see after all the time in between.  He walked to me baring the look of feeling sorry and being afraid both at the same time in disbelief that there I was still sitting after all this time and could not believe I did not leave after all that time.  He explained to me after work he laid down fell asleep but when he woke he hurried to just by chance to see if I was there, he did not just let it go he actually came to see by a big chance if I would still be there.  I smiled and told him that “it didn’t matter that it is all worth it now”. 

 

 

Everyone around us smiled in as if they felt what it was that we both were feeling sitting and smiling at one another being so full of joy that here we both sat, that time didn’t ruin my thought’s that my heart told me to not leave and know it would be.  We left to go for a ride, it didn’t matter that it was too late to do anything all that mattered is we were together and our first date was on the horizon to a lifetime of many first dates, this was the beginning of a life that held a future so bright and full of the wondrous of love that not anything could take that away from us, even here after your gone nothing has taken our memories of the greatest life we had or the unconditional love that filled that life, it still all lays in me, around me and all places I go. 

Our first date I knew what my heart felt, and that was the day I once laughed at the saying “love at first sight” but got a strong teaching that it was just not no saying that it was life, that it was possible to be.  Our first date may have not been that dream I vision it be but the life that grew after was more than the dream I ever had vision.  From that day forward I remember how every day that went by I felt that exact same feeling on our first date as I seen you pull in our drive way for the first time seeing you for the first time of the day every day.  I don’t put him on a pedestal, I just know that even in bad times our love carried us through the hard work to keep us going, to keep that feeling there and smile in knowing every good and bad was worth it and worth more to me than anything in this entire world.  I’d change nothing if I could back even though I know what I know now. Your love, your life, your lessons, your building me to grow to who I needed to be, all of you is what was meant to be in the life that crossed paths with mine intertwined to make the beautifulness of a life that what was that what still is.  That’s where we truly have to understand to love is to also bare the pain of loss, that not anything is ever our own to keep, that sometimes just sometimes life bares pain in the strongest of love because all of us are not here forever and never get guarantees but to accept that love is what is supposed to be, that to live without love is to never live at all. 

Happy Birthday Jean-Guy I know you feel the love of our unconditional love where ever you are and to so many of things that have happened in my life I do know it is of you and the getting back up that keeps me stepping forward in the direction of life that is meant for me to be.  I know you touch our daughter’s heart in her times of missing you because through those moments her smile always makes it back to her beautiful little face, that through me you work your love, I’m proud to be the one to represent you and our love each and every time it is called upon.  You are my fairy-tale, no matter not seen it still is, sometimes just sometimes fairy-tales don’t seem to have a good ending but in this one it may not be seen but always felt.  You were my miracle, my magic, your love graced my heart to open all of me to the wholeness I needed to get to and to be. 

 

 

NOTE TO ALL:  On special of days it is up to us all to take that day with full force, to walk through and be of remembrance, smiles of memories, to honor who it was they meant to us and who they were when they were here.  To realise because of them we had love, we realised love of the greatest ever in this world can be, that their love never leaves us, that in the unseen it is still around, it is in us, and everyone that knew of the person we lost.  To take the time we need through the day to find that feeling they brought to our world, our smile, our love of the strongest, and the memories that carry with us that carry them with us through all we go through.  That standing still in time not wanting to feel that day is to be a prisoner of the love that filled your world that still fills your world.  To understand the tears that fill our eyes will always fall in a perfect heart of an invisible heart, that those tears won’t fall forever it is just your heart telling you it misses that love the same way you do. 

To go on not walking through grief is denial to you, growth to you, growth to your soul, growth to the brightest of life that is to be.  Look up to smile in knowing you are backed with the wondrous of what was and what is still UNCONDITIONA LOVE.  They know what you are going through, they feel what you feel, they know where your wildest dreams lay and will forever keep directing you to those dreams if you allow your all to open truly to see it all.  Jean-Guy I do know the path is long but you are close to me making sure if I turn the wrong way you so gently guide me back to the way I am supposed to go.  Pray, pray to God he gives you strength, pray to God you find your way, because praying is powerful to you, to standing in the love of God rather than against because all of who you want to be in life first starts there guided by the love you lost.

I am Proud still to this day to be Tonya Ouimet, and still with his last name because forever and always I will forever be his wife no matter if he is not here, because in my heart he is there.  Ouimet girls he would always tell my daughter and me “we’re some tough cookies”, and he sure seen through we to know of what he spoke of. 

 

 

FOREVER LOVED AND WITH US:  Jean-Guy Ouimet ~ October 21^st 1950 - May 9 2011 ~

 

 

 

 

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Don't let the barriers be your lead

 

 

 

I love remembering the greatest of memories on my days of great sadness because through those greatest of memories is what brings you home and back to the level of love that fills your entirety of your heart mind soul and body.  Remembering the memories that hold in your heart drives out the bad to leave you to find your smile so today was a day I was in remembrance of many funny, loving, warmth felt feelings of the person I no longer see here in this world.  It is through the memories that are so vivid to you that carry through you a piece of the person you have lost, it honors their life, it carries them through each and every day you make new memories that one day will be memories of the heart that will always conquer your darkness.  When I feel the shadows above I close my eyes to see those memories, feel those memories, smile of those memories to open my eyes to see nothing but the brightest of what is all around me.

Not so long ago after my husband passed and I bought our home my father was in a bad place and nowhere to go, although distant to him I knew in my heart the right thing to me was to give him a roof over his head, a place he could call home and not have the worries of where he would have to stay.  So many memories of that certain time in my life make my heart beam in knowing of the laughter he brought every day to my life the days he was with us, yes there were some hard times but those are strongly erased by the more of the greatest of memories that took place in our home.  On a day bright and sunny I was asleep due to working midnights but if you know me you know sleep is not a friend of mine, I am still not sure if it’s a problem or if it is just I don’t want to miss a thing.  As I laid trying to sleep I could hear the hustle and bustle of noises coming from my front porch, again not wanting to miss a thing this struck my curiosity leaving me to of course get up and check it out, eyes half close, half asleep I wandered to the front door to look outside being blinded by the beautiful sun shine and blue sky I looked to the left to see my father sitting in a chair but not alone on his lap was our dog max, well this may seem normal to you but our dog was huge, here was a 130 pound dog sitting up on my dad’s lap as each car went by both their heads in exact motion together watched the cars drive by.  As I looked to this I had to take triple glances in knowing if it was me half asleep or if it was really actually happening.  I could not believe how funny it was to see such an enormous dog sitting on a  man’s lap and seeing it was not at all uncomfortable to my dad as they sat there and to also see how in sync both of their heads were watching everything that passed by.  I smiled and laughed so hard and could not believe what I was seeing, getting my dad’s attention he just glanced at me and smiled as if to say “life is great” enjoying the warmth, sun and beautiful blue skies of the day they both were doing together.

Then thinking of another day as we all sat out on our beautiful porch talking, laughing, enjoying the afternoon in the calm and peace of what our life felt that day I noticed my dad sitting on the stair to our porch, growing up with little time I was with my dad I always knew of the clumsiness that he held in him, I sat to watch everyone chatting to see my dad lean over to lean on the rail but on that side there was no rail, just before I could get the words out of mouth my dad had already leaned and off the porch he went landing in the flowers underneath him, of course out of normal reaction everyone jumped up but he was fine and that lead to the kind of laugh that it makes your stomach hurt and eyes water, this alone to this days still has the same effect  on me.  So many of moments grab my heart of memories of him that I truly have special of times with him to remember even though we were so distant and not of normal father daughter relation.  That even he was so absent in my life there are still memories that fill my all to help with those surprising moments of sadness that creep up on you so fast.  I smile in knowing yes I do have memories of the heart and joy to fill the sadness that I do have memories of us that are of the greatest no matter how bad our times were as father and daughter.

 

 

Another memory was of me cooking supper for us one day, a nice pot roast was cooking as I chopped vegetables to go with, as the potatoes boiled in the pan I could see my dad creeping for something to pick in, thinking to myself, “what possibly could he taste if everything was in a hot pan cooking”?  well not really sure what my dad was thinking I see him reach into the potato pan take one out in the boiling water and throw it in his mouth, my jaw dropped in thinking so many of things but knowing my dad I knew it was totally something he would do, in me lays a little of that trait clumsiness with not thinking before doing haha.  Well he spit that potato out so fast with a lot of chosen cuss words, I never laughed so much as I did seeing the reaction on his face and the chosen words that came out of his mouth, my aunt, my mom, my husband all witnesses were as I was at first shocked but yet again laughing so much our bellies hurt.  This memory another I keep in my special place when times get dark in my life I’m living now without my dad here on earth.  It is all of the greatest memories that become your special gifts to the life you move forward in without those you lost, it’s truly in that love of the moment that will take you so far beyond the pain that wants to consume them all, remembering keeps you full of their love and where there is love there are no darkness that can ever take place with that space.

While being young there were weekends I would visit my dad on the weekends, there was a moment now that gets to me every time to fill my all with a smile while back then I’d think to myself “omg my dad is such a nerd”.  He loved his Rolling Stones and here I was a young girl so not into that music being the hip cool person I thought I was and thinking oh how lame my dad was for the music he liked.  So here comes a McJagger song and there is my dad singing, dancing acting as if he was though the most bad @$$ dude on earth getting down being McJagger, it was as though he was on stage performing, I never again laughed so hard in my life but you know what to this day I’m 36 and will rock it to a song and dance around with a spoon in my hand thinking I’m a star on stage, not so different is it?  It truly is a true gem to me to find the similarities that lay in me that never realised before.  All the memories that fill my heart always turn out the darkness leaving my all feel as though I am taking in all of my father’s soul, that leave me with a smile rather than tears that were filling my eyes. 

My dad on weekends was always something we knew my brother and I just knew would be full of things that were of trouble and mischief but a good trouble.  One weekend on a cold night my dad says to us “there’s  this man that is such a pain in the @$$ that I want to prank, being young and loving a good adventure my brother and I looked to one another like oh man what is going to happen to our dad cause we always knew his clumsiness took over any idea he pondered in his head, he looks to us holding eggs, says to us follow me, but you better be able to run fast or we will get caught, so me and my brother followed laughing cause we knew we could run fast it was our dad we were worried about.  We go out the back door of his apartment my dad holding the eggs as he points to the apartment behind us saying “there that’s where that pain in the @$$ lives”  than says “ok get ready to run as fast as you can”, and takes the eggs and throws them to the patio of the man for some reason bothered him as we see him throwing the very first egg my brother and I never ran as fast as we did, looking back I could see the light turn on to the apartment but not seeing my dad, thinking where the heck did he go looking down on the gravel I see him, my brother and I faraway look back seeing him bolt but whipped out on the gravel.  Laughing so hard and thankfully out of the sight of the man we go back helping my dad get up, my brother and I knew something would end up happening as it did in the back of our mind.  This may not be a good idea for anyone to try but a memory again that still to this day makes me laugh and smile so much that is embedded so deeply in my heart of remembrance of my dad and our memories together that never leave me astray of nothing but smiles.

 

 

 

There were many nights while working since where I was not very far at all my dad would roam over, an every time he would enter the store I’d look down and say “really dad, no shoes”, you have come here so many times and always each and every time I told you where your shoes are?  You need to have them to be in here.  Every time he did this I was not frustrated but laughed at the fact that this man was walking around with no shoes, and when I asked why he would say “well daughter it’s not like I’m going across town, and do you know how much work it is to keep putting my shoes on and off for such little distance I’m going?”  Yes that’s my dad I said to the others I worked with not caring at all what they thought but only laughing about just how freely he was and how against rules he always was.   Than watching him like a little kid stalk up with loads and loads of candies, smile at me as if to say “ha I did it again and got what I wanted”.  It makes me smile to know that disobedient side he had lays in me from time to time, but in his good disobedient way.

Then there was a time as a teenager I just had to have a cool jean jacket, although I knew where this would be going knowing my dad wanted to go to the mall with me and pay for what I wanted.  For any teenager you all know how it is going to the mall with your parents but that isn’t anything compared to going to the mall with my dad?  As we walk through the mall browsing store after store my dad wanting to stop to look at everything he seen of course where as me I just wanted to go find my jacket and get out knowing behind my dad there is always something that goes down lol.  So in a store while looking for a jacket there’s my dad trying on women’s clothes over his own yelling to me “daughter, daughter, how does this look?  As every person in the store looked around to who exactly his daughter was I wanted to run but playing his game laughing so hard there was no denying that it was me who was the daughter he was calling for.  More and more shirts, jackets and yes shoes were tried on and every moment he just had to keep yelling out to me for my opinion.  You see not at all I was embarrassed, more of me never laughed as much as I did at the free spirit he was and the fact that he’d go to any circumstances to see me smile.

Then there was a night my dad decides to be superman to my brother and me at the theatre, we went to the movies on an open night of a movie we wanted to see and in fear my dad was determined to get us those tickets without getting told “sold out”.  So my brother and I knowing where to go walked normally to the line ahead while my dad is running like a mad man going up a flight of stairs yelling at us “come onnnnnn you guys you’re going to miss it, they’re going to be sold out”, as all this is going on there were so many of people looking at us while my brother and I could not even speak because we were laughing so hard, to get it out “dad the ticket booth is here where are you going?”  He actually fought with us and determined that no we were not at the right place, yelling at us as people looked to us as if we were some crazy people but wow that moment is always a memory that comes up and makes us laugh just as much as it did on that day.

 

 

The most important part of all this to me is that no matter how hard it was for my father and I that still in my heart were the greatest of memories.  That no matter how hard it was for us to see eye to eye or even be in the presence of one another there were still so many of loving, memorable treasures to carry me through my hard times and that will always will from  now and always.  I smile in knowing that no matter how hard of a relationship you have with someone there is always the most greatest of memories to fill your whole being with, no matter how hard or how bad the relationship felt those treasure of memories are there to be with you in your heart and remind just how not horrible you seemed to think it was.  It is those memories you hold deep in your heart to carry that person with you through the life you live and to hold you up through the hardest of your days.  It keeps them alive each and every time you remember and smile of those memories.  These memories are not even half of what I hold in my heart, so knowing just how blinded by anger, resentment, and grudges we can be if we do not let go of it all to forgive we will never be able to see the actual beauty that was with us in that relationship.

You see when someone close to you passes but in that relationship was so much hardship it doesn’t matter because no matter what you can find the greatest of memories you had with that person, letting go and forgiving will lead you home to love, your heart will open to feel that love to know it was there all along just covered by such unforgiving anger, through it in you there is always a way to see that love of the person you lost that was so distant yet so close because the memories of such greatness comes back to you over flowing into your mind, heart and soul.  I smile in knowing that the bad that I felt were just my own wall up against the memories of love that we had made even through toughest of times.  Right now and to the days forward I get to understand to take in all of my dad fully, into my heart, body and soul to understand it was not as bad as I felt it was, that in his memory lays so many of most amazing times together, even if some of those memories got us in trouble it is still memories that fill my heart with all of his being.

NOTE TO ALL:  A relationship that may seem of a strain to our all may not at all be how we perceive it to be due to the blinders we let invade our sight, and the resentment that we let build a wall for nothing to get through.  In my pain I’ve found the blessings, I am so proud to be my father’s child, and so proud of the lessons he has brought straight to my heart.  Not for a second I doubt that he never ever stopped loving me because in my memories are a love of the greatest. 

 

The path my father has turned me on is a path no words will ever describe and where it leads me will be a dream even bigger that I could of ever imagined.  The two most important men that I have lost have come to be the most influential people in my life that lead me to a path so bright my heart beams as bright as the sun.  Thank you dad and thank you my love of my life Jean-Guy for making me open up to the life as it should be, bright, beautiful, full of love and joy, a place where I know I am  making a difference to this world for the better.

You and only you are the one that puts the barriers up to those that want to come into your world, to the ones you thought brought so much pain to your heart are only how you claim it to be.  No matter how hard of the relationship is if that person is a significant person to your life there will always be memories in you of them full of love, you just have to let go of the barriers to see those memories, to know yes there was love, that yes they loved you.  You are the barrier to the love that you let into your life, if guided by negativity never will you be able to open your heart to see the good of that life that was so special to your life. 

 

Yup this is the song my dad rocked it out to, I remember it like it was yesterday and the look on his face as though he was McJagger singing, one bad @$$ dude.

 

 

 

 

 

 



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Hear my Roar of Love

 

 

When you are given the responsibility of love, to love onto others through the knowledge of what you been through it is to face it with all your strength, to use that with all you have in you no matter how hard it is to remember of the things that shattered your heart not so long ago.  If this is your heart, this is your love; this is the same of pain you have struggled than this is where you must stand strong to lift another up as they feel they on their own can’t stand no longer.  However in our hearts are memories and knowledge to love onto others that struggle through the same as we have before an it is in us to hold their hand and walk with them through their pains and struggles, it is not to lock up what you have been through to ignore others that are struggling to ignore and turn away from.  If that was you on your knees not knowing of what, how, where, you would never want another to turn from you in your greatest times of need.  If you are love first than your heart will not allow you to turn cheek.

So many of times I’ve been shattered in the thoughts of what I have  been through to help another that I know in us all is a strength of the force of love to help onto others and walk with them through it all until they no longer need you to lead.  Holidays are of the worse in reminder that the one special person in your life is not there, yet understanding to do all you have in you to honor who you miss is so much more than giving into the pain that tries to crush all of you.  If you are taught the greatest of lessons in your life to see others struggling through what you have been through it is in your heart to be the teacher an hold that persons hand no matter what memories of before flash before your eyes.  It is when you are getting your own strength in your struggles to truly helping those painful memories become no longer debilitating to your heart that helping the other person through it invades your heart to feel nothing but the greatest of love ever.

Tears may fall, life of before may flash before the front of your eyes but in the looking of another to see you are giving full compassion and love to see them looking back at you getting that makes all those flashbacks as if though never existed.  Love onto every soul that you can that you feel needs you because in it all is a love so powerful that comes back to you giving you the lift of love more than you have ever had in you before.  Even if you see someone struggling with something that you have not been through it is in you to embrace that person fully to lift up and through it is a lesson to your heart, there is not no one person you cannot help if you know an truly feel in your heart that they need it.  If you approach with love than nothing can beat that test, how someone could have turn away from another I could never understand or comprehend why.  If you are standing in the love that you been blessed with than you have more than what you need to be love, to be compassion, to love.

 

 

As I looked to another man an felt in his eyes that behind it all something was wrong, I asked and sure enough I found it.  Did I walk away to pretend I did not hear?  No I stood strong to take the time to let this man know that he was seen and cared for no matter what he may of thought.  He smiles to me to say “thank you for seeing me, to care for someone you do not even know”.  He was wandering around in circles of his life finding out his wife had just left him that day, but you see that is not what I have had heart lessons in, yet still found it in my heart to help, give love, let this person know they are noticed in this world and not alone through the pain that they feel.  It is sometimes not of the knowledge you carry to help another but the love that you have to reach out and give a hand to someone who feels lost.  To do it purely of love to never ever expect anything but knowing you helped in return, seeing that person you helped smile is worth more than anything in this world.

There will never ever be a moment in my life I will ever turn cheek from the hardest of struggle I see and notice in others no matter how hard it is for me or scary it is for me to approach.  If you have a heart and you are here than helping another is in you, it is in us all to do onto others as we would want them to do onto us.  I have looked back to the toughest, roughest scariest places I’ve been in to realise now that not one part of me was harmed in knowing through the love of helping another lifts higher away from that tough, scary, rough place to a place of being held in the arms of angels.  I remember approaching a very scary situation of a man just here in Canada yelling so loud, that to approach the situation terrified every being in me, yet as approaching the man looked to us with 2 beautiful dogs so obedient and so taken care of than seeing to other girls that were the ones giving him a hard time I just knew by the looks of the dogs this man was not of any danger and my heart that led me there would not lead me there for no reason and if in harm’s way.  After getting this man to walk with us and ignore the ignorance that was in front of him we got him to calm down, play with his dogs and finally see a smile.  He had told us he had just moved here from Africa that he had thought it was not a good place but thanks to us he knew there were good people around.  You see your whole being may be afraid of the situation your heart is telling you to go to but in that love you will never be led to a place that you cannot handle, or be harmed.

Trusting in your heart whisperers is never a failure to you; it’s your love’s way of guiding you to a place where you should be.  If not for going through the most painful of times my heart would never be so open to all that I have done, if not from hitting rock bottom would my heart ever learn the greatest lesson of all to my life, to be the person you can to lift others up in times that you know that you are needed to be there.  The most beautiful of unconditional love has touched my heart to truly open my all in everything that I see.  To know life is so much more than helping your own self out, that what you go through makes you a teacher to everyone that goes through  the same pain.  It’s to see through the exterior to see the love on the inside.  Life is more when you truly know deep within your all you have helped someone, that becomes a force stronger in you the more and more you listen to where it is you are needed.

 

 

To let a person walk past or leave astray that you know is going through hard times is to close up your life and heart to a life of nothing but caring for what little you need to in your own life, the world is full of more than just what struggles you go through, that through others struggles your own are lifted and soon enough forgotten in the love space you create in loving another’s needs.  Some may say well why would you even help so much to others if you have your own to deal with?, well in our own to deal with is to see evaporate in helping of another, to see the light come on in another makes all of you smile full of bliss to know what you deal with was never bigger than being able to help another.  This is not only to be of help to humans but to animals because animals are humans with fur, feed a stray, love a stray, take in a stray, care for the helpless even if it is the furry kind, they too have hearts just as we do and have feelings as we do. 

To walk in great love is a gift given to us all, to finally recognise it is a miracle all on its own.  To understand that it is not just all about what struggles we go through, that there is a whole world out there that struggles every second of every day.  Is not to say you are a super hero and can reach it all but one by one that leads to more and more.  What you do never goes unseen by the higher power above because in us that seed is given to us just as God has done for us all.  To deny a person of help is to deny yourself of help because perhaps one day it will be you to need to be lifted, would you want to see so many seeing you to be invisible?  Or would you want to be recognised and seen in this big world?  My husband passed has taught me this lesson, through him my heart has opened through so many of perceptions I thought totally different of, to actually seeing the real meaning of once what I thought.  I cry so hard at times in that loss yet know in my heart that he hasn’t really left me, he’s the one that watches over me and carries through me.

It truly is a gift to know that your love is so strong that you can help so many, that in you is the strength to walk with so many that needs you until they can walk alone.  It’s not about riches or fame; it’s about being love and raising people higher with you along the way.  I’d rather be blessed with the greatest love than be rich with all the money in the world because your heart and compassion and loving another is worth more than all that.  Of course if you had that money you could help so many but in you without money is still the power to heal another.

 

 

I remember a story of my husband passed during our hardest of times, there was a man that we walked passed that you could see was homeless and with nothing, my husband took every last penny he had and gave it to this man, back than I looked at him like are you crazy but to realise now that my husband truly knew what life was all about, that him being in my life was a lesson to myself that was needed.  There so many moments in our life I would see my husband passed give so much of himself that it angered me then to wondering why would you run yourself through so much for so many?  To know now truly that he knew what his life was and what it was all about, I cry in knowing that I wished then I would of known just exactly how special he was and the gift that he carried that I could of just appreciated him so much more, but I smile knowing that piece of him has been left in my heart and opened my all to truly understand it all now.  Yes there may be some that want to take advantage of that love but through it your heart will guide you and let you know just who those people are that suck the energy from you.

My husband never spoke of God so much but I do know he knew what he was here to do and that God had let it clearly known to him strong in his heart.  So many animals he brought home, it was at the time a time of frustration, yet knowing now just how many never went hungry or harmed is worth so much more to me now.  There was not one animal he would let go astray and be alone, I smile in knowing just how much he loved any and all animals to know that his heart was so pure and loving that to love an animal truly shows just how big his love was.  He is the force and drive in my heart to open and embrace all of this life in the way it is supposed to be, to not be all for yourself, to let others know they are heard, they are cared for, that you alone have the ability to love onto so many in their times of need, that the strength in you grows to so many of others that need you, that your energy never fades because in it all your love gives all that you need.

I’m excited for my future, I do not know of my future but I’m excited to know that I am on the right path and nothing will knock me off the path I am needed to be on.  The force of unconditional love for others is a force to never be reckoned with.  You see I lost a part of my heart yet through the pain I have gained more of it back through the little lessons and blessings I opened to that were all around me in every heart wrenching step that I took.   The truest test to me was to be able to care for someone and help a person my husband was not on good terms with but not because of him but because of the other, in it I could just feel that my husband passed has done so much for so many that gave him such grief that in my heart I knew I had the strength to learn from him and do the same.  On that day I looked up to smile in knowing just how far our love could go if you let go of the negativity and be what you are more than anything LOVE.

 

 

Understanding that in the helping you free your own self of your own pain in the smiles and love that surrounds you in the helping you give freely.  It is as though through it all the magic of little miracles embrace you and what you do each and every time you embrace your heart whispers.  Being in the now moments are more powerful than ever though, because being in the now allows you to feel, hear, and listen to what it is you are being called upon.  There was not ever one person passed that my husband passed would turn cheek from that he knew needed help an I’m blessed today to honor that piece of him in me and do all he would do if he was here.  Took me a while to see this but the more I embrace faith, love, and God, in the forgiveness I gave so freely to my father there is a power force there that will always give you the strength you need in any of situations you are needed.

NOTE TO ALL:  I am truly blessed to be graced upon by the most memorable of people I may of lost but know carry with me every step I take, that when I am in my own pain I know I will be lifted through the help that I have given to another, that I will never be alone in the pain that comes my way because through it all there is always another person out there suffering more.  Never will I be dragged down to the belief I don’t have it in me.  All I have to do is look back to all of what I have been through to know I will always have the over powering love that I need in my moments of hardship and sadness. 

 

 

 

 



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