I saw You

My husband, in others I see him to remind me our love is every where.

Not to long ago there was a moment in time I thought would never be. It was a moment not ever thought of nor thought would ever have to face. Isn't it funny the most out of this world things that you thought could never be, one day proves to you "oh yes it can". These moments leave you standing in what feels is a dream, the words try to surface, yet nothing comes out. "Always expect the unexpected" is what I constantly remind myself from that day forward.

In all the moments that take you by surprise it is those moments we become more aware of the fact that anything is possible in life, that in those moments all of our belief is shifted, some moments for the best, some for the bad, yet in all of those moments is a blessing to our growth, to the journey of life we go through. On this particular day the moment that happened was bitter sweet, maybe to others it will sound little but to those that grieve it would be something huge. It always amazes me how in life the things never thought of always makes an appearence in reminder of letting you know it can happen, that not anything is impossible to happen. Picking out the sweet from the bitter sweet, that is what I took with me from that day forward, that in life there is not anything that is impossible, that not anything is off limits to happen in your life to help you grow as much as you can, to blossom in to all you need to be.

Grieving is a special gift we bare, in grieving we are brought to so many of changes that soon we come so accustomed to change that nothing is something we fear. We get the new slate to create our life over, to build a life in a new glorifying, beautiful way we ever could of thought of before. The second time around allows us to grow in the knowledge of all of our dreams, to build our life into those exact dreams we have had for so long. Once the pain, darkness have dropped it is replaced by dreams, love, fearlessness. Although in grieving there are things you feel ten times more then you had before. It's as though your feelings, emotions, love, all expload in to an explosive, more vibrant way then before. So sometimes to us that grieve the feeling we feel lasts more then to others that don't. All this could be for the better, as well as the worse. For me on this day it was for both but mostly a lesson was found in it no matter how hard it was.



All lessons to us are lessons that are there for a reason, thing's don't happen for no reason, it's not about bad luck, good luck, it's about being able to grow to the measures we need to for our soul, for our life story we live. It is in it all we learn to become the best person we can be, to find our purpose in lessons that come our way.

I still find it funny to think of all the things that have happened in knowing that these moments are built specifically for my journey, that maybe it hasn't happened to others for that reason, in all my moments they were a lesson for me, so others moments in life could never be the same due to all of us being different with each our very own purpose. Moments in your life were purposely designed to fit you, for you. So through the hardest of moments it is up to us all to unwrap to find out, to understand fully why we have been chosen for the moments that come our way. From the bad to the good, even in the bad there is a light that waits for you to find.

Grieving is the most unknown journey i've ever been on. Through it you will see so many twists and turns, yet it is in the learning you find the way to make it in the brief straight paths you go down. Grieving becomes a stepping stone you use to making steps higher and higher in life, that you soon discover it has taken you even higher then where you were before. In it all you find yourself in a place you have never before been, in that place you see it is a place you've always imagined you wanted to be. Take the time to understand in each moment your given why you have been presented with the moment. Use the moments to lift you higher, let them be your stair way to a level growing you higher and higher each time. Don't see moments for good nor bad, see them as platforms to lift you higher then where you were before.



So in my moment it was a regular normal day to me, it was a birthday celebration, so family as well as friends were all around, it was a wonderful day, we gathered at a restaurant to celebrate my step fathers birthday. We sat around chatting, laughing, having good times. As I looked acrossed the table I could see my aunts face, it was though it turned to a sheet of nothing but white, in her expression you could see something was wrong, I remember asking her yet it was let go in all the commotion. As I looked around the restaurant watching others enjoying, I came across a table where I immediately had to keep taking a second look. In every second glance I could feel a feeling of nothing but tingles from head to toe. Quickly I looked back to my aunt where she knew I had just seen what she did earlier not wanting to tell me. All of me felt that there was nothing more I wanted to do but look at this man at the table behind us. Understanding it is not polite to stare, yet in that moment it was not to be applied. Seeing this mans face was a comfort to my heart, it was all I wanted to do. If I could stay to watch him for the rest of the night I would of. This man was a twin to my husband passed. After the comforting sensation wore off a little, then came the sadness, trying to not let others know what was happening, they soon found out. Everyone was now looking, this poor man probably felt the world was out for him on that day. Getting away is what I had to do, it was in the bathroom looking in the mirror I understood that in these moments you can either let yourself take steps back or use it to move forward, to understand that anything in life is possible, knowing through it all we come to realise we can make it through, no matter what presents itself to us, in us all is the will to move forward through it, learning, growing, blossoming.

On this day I saw my husband passed, although I knew it was not him, that no one will ever be him, no one could be him there is only one of us all. Seeing this man was a comfort to my heart, it was as though on that day my husband passed was letting me know that no matter how much I miss him, to not to, that he is every where. That every where I am he will be, our love will be forever, our love along with memories will always be around every where that I go.

Another thing I started to understand was not to look for him in others, that there will never be another like him. No matter how much the resemblance it will still never be him. The looks may be there but his heart will never be.



After the story of this day, it was others that told me they to seen my husband passed in another, all little reminders that my husband passed is every where, every where my heart goes, every where our love made an impression. Our love made an impact in this world, so it will be every where I look I will always see him. Remebering this day now it brings a smile to my face, remembering my aunt as well as mother wanting to take a picture of this man, laughing in realising how this poor man must of been wondering "what the hell was going on", to thinking "these people are crazy". I remember how all of me just wanted to jump in his lap, to just wanting to stay and stare. All of the remembering reminds me the complete comfort my heart felt seeing my husband passed in a complete stranger.

NOTE TO ALL: In all that is brought to our life it is up to us how we face it. It is in us all no matter what to rise above all lessons given to our life, to use the lessons as a stair case leading us higher and higher in to the life we choose to build up. Use the lessons to lift you higher, use it all to reach so far beyond the clouds. Understand that anything is reachable, you just have to build in that direction. Find it in you to rise to every occasion, to keep getting back up, to understand that sometimes it takes a little bit more time getting back up yet as long as you keep getting back up is what matters the most. Each step up is a step of strength, each step up is a dream come true. The higher you build the closer you are to all the dreams that you have. It's in the moments we find out truly who we are. It's where we find our strength, our love, our beautiful life. It's in it all we find out just where we want to be. We find out in the little moments are where the biggest of lessons are learned. Celebrate the little to the big because in it all is a victory of your life your building in achievement to your dreams, your goals, your purpose.

In the crowd of those that truly love you there is not anything you can not handle. To bless yourself to be with those that love you the truest is what will always conquer the darkness you face. It was on that day I was surrounded by complete love that carried me through the moment of such great impact to my heart. Your heart will always let you know those who love you honestly.

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Sorry All

Tonight I accidently deleted my new post I posted called "I Saw You" will be re typing and posting again.  Huge frustration so early in the morning.

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Remembering memories with love not pain

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. – Kahlil Gibran

 

On our wedding day I knew our future would not be long, yet our true love would last forever.

In the beginning of my grief I can remember the unbearable pain as soon as a memory of our life came into my mind, the pain took out all the life in me to just remember.  Your left in thought of overloading questions of why this happened?, what am I going to do now with out them?, how will I ever be able to think of our love if it takes the breath out of me leaving me lifeless?, to feeling I don't want to think of the memories due to wanting to have more of it with him/her with me but now he/her is gone.

The pain of memories come back flooding your whole being leaving you feel helpless, yet in those moments of memories the pain forces us to lose touch of any positive thoughts to over come the pain, it leaves all of you in the dark, it takes a hold of you so strongly that your heart automatically feels the strong grip of pain, fears, hopelessness.  Really no words can ever explain the wrath it has on all of you, yet all of you just feels alone, you see no one, feel no one, the world is though it exists of only you, your pain, your loss.  It feels as though your on an island all alone, no one around, the sun never shines, your tears fall yet no one can save you, no one knows how to, no one even knows where you are.  All of us is so consumed in pain that all of our being is held hostage to the strong grip of pain, fear,  darkness.  It's easy to see why we at first just let go, we take that vacation alone, we all know we are never alone yet at first we need to take that trip alone. 

It is as though in this time we start to find out just how much strength we hold in us.  We use this time to explore rock bottom to see there is absolutely no where else to go, we understand that either we stay under water to give up, or we build all of us back up to the level of life.  Once you see with your own eyes there is no more further down to go, we see proof that it is true, "Once you hit rock bottom there is no where else to go but up".  In this time around we build so strongly back up to life that we understand the foundation is all up to us to re build stronger then it has ever been.  Things that never before were seen are found this time around.  Our life takes on a whole new look, our hearts start finding more room from the pain that took up too much of the space.  Little moments by little moments we are rebuilding our life with out even realising.  In those little breaks we think clearly to understand what we thought would never end, actually does.

In the moment wherever you will be all of you suddenly stops to take notice that your mind has let go of the pain that goes with the memories you thought of, you take notice in the moment you are actually thinking of something other than the loss of your loved one passed, it is in those little moments that soon enough it becomes longer, to me it is as though it is a tiny vacation for you as well as your heart.  It is in those breaks you start to understand "yes it does let up", the more it happens the more you start letting in the light.  In those brief moments is when you then can start to understand the memories of your loved one passed is not about pain, it is the thoughts that make you shine from within all the way across the ends of the world.  That is when you must take a hold of the feeling of love, that it is that love that you have felt once upon a time when your loved one passed was here with you, so why let the pain take that away?.  Every memory with your loved one passed is the path you need to follow to find all of your light, to find your hope, to find your dreams, to find doors that are open waiting for you to walk through.

Understanding in the beginning those memories are meant to be left far away from our thoughts as possible due to wanting it all to be the way it once was.  In time the beginning moves forward in silence to a place where you will see a break happen, a gift to your heart, as well as soul.  The title wave needs to come to shore just as the pain as well calmly leaving your whole being in a calm, feeling the pain free break, even if just for a little.  These breaks are a blessing to your heart, it is in those moments you can see that it does ease up, you can think clearly, that you are still you.

The memories we have start to become our treasures, our strength.  Once we start taking notice to the memories to see the pain no longer controls us nor our memories we start to understand that it is in us to keep pushing through it all, it is in the remembering the memories we find are our "happy thoughts" the thoughts we use to defeat the darkness, the pain we thought would never leave.  Those memories become the grip we take back on our mind, body, heart, soul.

In the remembering, I remember so many moments to use as my light once the darkness creeps around.  Remembering at night as I sat up in bed watching my husband passed and our little girl sleeping thinking to myself "this bed seems so small yet in this queen size bed is everything I have ever wanted in my life", remebering how every night as my daughter snuck in between leaving me to the edge of our bed it was all I ever needed in my life, that right there was my world, my life.  Also remembering all the endless nights my husband passed and I would lay awake laughing as well as talking until early morning not to even take notice in the time, nor that it was already morning.  I remember the beach, a place we would go to just to relax, to just be in that moment.  The many road trips lookin for horses for my daughter to see, she loves them so much, for us seeing her face brighten up like the sun made us smile, proud, grateful.  The memories of us are all around, they are never ending.  Don't fear you will ever forget, our love will never let us.

It is in all of these most sacred moments you will find your blessings in the now life you slowly re build.  In these memories your loved ones passed stay with you, never leaving your side.  In it all you will find the way to the bright light within you, you will find you again, you will find it is the memories that become a force so much stronger than anything you have to face.

All of your memories will prove to your heart that anything in life that you do is doable, you will find new dreams, new hope, new belief.  You will start seeing a brighter, vivid joyful side of life you have been missing for so long, it will be as though everything will just look so much brighter.  In you you will feel a feeling that no words can ever explain.  All these little breaks start to become longer, bigger, lasting breaks.  Once you feel that there is not anything you feel you can not do.  Find your memories, in those memories lays little pieces of your strength.  These memories soon become what you use to fight out the darkness and pain, soon enough with out thought you fought out the darkness so much all you see is light, love,  peace.

All of the life you once had soon becomes a treasure we let lay in our hearts.  We soon realise that the pain is not what our loved ones passed has blessed us with, it was pure true love, that alone is what conquers all the pain as well as darkness.

In building anew the life that we re build becomes a forever shinning bright light that not anyone can't see.  The light within shines brighter, the life we start living becomes unbreakable, our belief never fades, dreams become so real we conquer them all little by little.  Through it all we know in our hearts that everything we ever dreamed of is all right there down the path we walk along side our memories of the life we had before this.

NOTE TO ALL:  The path we walk may seem dark yet as we move forward we put on our shades to see the light getting brighter then the sun on a hot day in summer, we start to see those around  having to start putting on their own as well when ever we are near.  Memories = your powerful strength to use against any darkness or horrific pain.  Memories become our dream catchers.  It was the other day going through our things looking for something I came across our wedding pictures that was when I understood just how powerful our memories really are to our life we live now.  Sure at first I was struck with uncontrolable tears but quicker then the tears I smiled in knowing on that day I married the man that blessed my life with absolute true love.  It was on that day he made one of my dreams come true.

From the bad to the greatest of memories it was in them all you were sulking in nothing more then pure true love.  What I take with me through the toughest of my days are the words my husband passed would always tell me "I just want you to be happy".  The moment that brought me back up from rock bottom was remembering the very first time my husband and I saw one another, there was something in between us telling us both "this person you see in front of you is where your truest of love lays, a gift to you both that not everyone will find, a love that goes beyond this life you live". 

In honor of my husband passed I light the three candles in this picture above, the light of the candles always remind me of the light I hold within that may flicker from time to time yet never go out or be put out.  The light of the candles are always a reminder to my heart that our love will forever shine, to take my light out into the world to show others in grieving pain that they to can turn back on their own light.  That no matter what their light will always shine.  The love from our loved ones passed combines with ours to shine brighter then ever before, It is to be seen at the ends of the world and back.

 



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Remembering Namita Bhandare

This tragedy struck a nerve in me deeply and felt to post here about it to try to get the word out there more.  No one should ever have to live in fear, I hope the darkness will lift for all those that live in India.  God BLESS Namita.

She was 23, with a marriage just months away. But two weeks ago, she was gang raped by six men, savagely beaten and thrown out of a moving bus in Delhi. This week, the still unnamed woman who has become “India’s daughter”, died of her injuries in hospital.

Namita Bhandare knows the constant fear that goes with living in Delhi, nicknamed India’s “rape capital”. Like others, she long believed that nothing would change. But the outpouring of anger and sadness now has convinced her that this could be a turning point for women like her.

The tragedy has sparked vigils and protests, and over 100,000 Indians have already signed Namita's petition to the Prime Minister. As the story reverberates around the world, being covered by every major news outlet, there's a chance for Canadians to help show the Indian Prime Minister that their international reputation is on the line if they fail to act.

Click here to sign Namita’s petition asking the Indian government to actively prosecute rape cases, introduce compulsory sensitivity training for police, and pass two proposed laws to protect women.

The story of “India’s daughter” has sparked deep grief and fury across India. Grief for her horrifying ordeal, and fury that politicians have ignored the huge problem of rape and sexual violence against women for so long.

According to crime statistics, a woman is raped every 22 minutes, and most rapists are never prosecuted. Women are often blamed for their own rapes, police refuse to hear reports from victims, and some women report being harassed by the very authorities they hope will protect them.

Politicians are being faced with some uncomfortable truths. But Namita says that unless people seize this moment of national consciousness, the chance to change anything will slip away. That’s why she’s asking for global support to show the world is watching.

Click here to sign Namita’s petition, and ask the Indian government to do everything in its power to make sure tragedies like this are never repeated.

Thanks for being a part of this, Lauryn, Jordy and the Change.org team

After the death of a 23-year-old student who was gang-raped and beaten, Namita is asking the Indian government to take action to stop this recurring.



Sign Namita's Petition

 



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