Do Not Disturb My Darkness

 

 

When I come from the colder side of thinking my mind asks “why did I just have to look down at my father with no life in him as before, laying still but looking at peace”?  Why did he leave me when we could have done so much more with each other, that I wasted so much time running from my past that I ignored the fact to just be love?  “Why did I have to wake up every single day to see my husband just deteriorating? That was on nights I even slept.  “Why did I have to see someone who was my heart get sicker with no help all around me to give to him to get him to feel better?  Where was our miracle I prayed for? Or even the anger that sometimes all of you wants to just crush everything that is in reach of you, all the why’s? How’s?  The questions of it all consume your whole mind of thought knowing no answers will ever be answered because no answers can be answered; all things you ask yourself have no answers.  It’s looking forward but seeing black, as though you have become blind. 

It’s the numbness to everything that once made you smile that no longer even exists; it’s mostly the questions, the darkness, the remembering the horrific images that seem that will never leave you that where you keep yourself at rock bottom.  It’s the change in you, you fight with all resistance of losing the life you never thought coming.  It’s your heart that no longer feels anything, the suffocating feeling of not being able to go on nor catch your breath.  It’s the panic that the crying will never stop, the pain will never leave, the hollowness in all of you feel that will never come back, it is in it all there are so many reasons so many do not want to hear “you have to go on”.  So much heartache suffocates your every being that your mind can not get out of thinking that you are in, it consumes your days and it consumes your nights. 

Soon enough you come accustom to being up so many nights 24 hours that you don’t even realise that you have because where you are it is never sunny nor bright.  I’m hoping I’m painting a pretty good picture of what it is to lose your life a life taken from a love built so high that never saw it coming?  Not the whole feeling this is just the tip of it.  It is pretty much the feelings that come back all the time through your days you go through even when you feel good one day the next could be dark and cold, it’s a ride that is of so much ups and downs that you get off time to time but comes back just as fast as you got off.  Losing someone that is of your heart is not a blow to your life that you can bounce back as easy as many think, it’s a constant battle of the dark and the light every day you open your eyes. 

 

 

 

Even your own faith is in question at times, all of what you thought of is in question, and all of what you do is in question.  The darkness of it all never really leaves you, the light however finds the way back in little by little.  Even if you’re moving on that darkness always poses a threat to the good you build, that within seconds it could cover the whole light you built too so long to get to.  Something so little could flicker that switch that it is way too easy to find yourself back in that no breathing space showing no light.  Depending how long you stay depends on the thoughts you let wander around you for as long as you feel the strength to let it go or let it be.

Sounds as though of something that a person could get out of just as quick as the darkness invaded, to some it is as though self-pity, yet even self-pity don’t compare to what really happens to someone as they lose the one they love.  It may be the one person you walked passed by today could be the person going through just what I type of right now, yea grieving holds no special features or ringing alarm to let people know who is carrying the burden, yet if it did I’d be shocked if anyone really could feel the need to approach that person due to their own feelings of uncomfortable.  The love that needs to reach out to those that are in their darkness have to be gentle, no words are really what needs to be said, just showing up shows enough.  

Standing up, showing up, and being around.  I cringe in knowing of all things I felt and still do from time to time.   Yet when you look to someone that found their smile and laughter, right away you want to know how?  Each of us are built differently, to know of the how may not apply to you, although knowing of they have a smile along with laughter alone should be enough to let you know it is not just them that is capable to be in that spot.  Maybe you do not want to know that it is possible to feel happiness again just yet, sometimes we just want to be in our lows to keep from what we think would be letting go.

 

 

 

Can you turn your pain around into blessings?  Can you find the silver linings in a tragic situation you are in?  Your given this life for many of reasons, challenges, struggles, frustrations are all part of it but can you see in the bad the light of what the bad that tries to barricade you in to not reach that light to see your silver linings, or to turn the suffering into blessings.  I’m thinking so many of us wait for someone to tell us that we forget we our creators to our silver linings and enlightment,  to our blessings that they don’t just get handed to us we have to break through to them. 

This is not saying we all should be left aside and alone this is just saying that no one can make us want to be helped unless us on our own wants it.  There is not one sure way to guide a person to their openness but there is always a way to walk with them until they do.  Breaking down can either stay broken down or can change and become broken open, to see all in you that was hiding to start seeing just what it is you’ve been missing out on for so long, in the broken open it is as though you are being reborn.

I’ve walked the darkness for so long now that to me it feels as though something of normal to me, I’ve been blinded to my life ahead and around me that I forget how it was to live.  The darkness no longer feels cold to me, it is as though my every day routine, a place that I’ve gotten used to.  Days feel endless here and thoughts never leave, images never fade, in some ways I wonder if I were not here if those images stopped if I would forget you?  If I got out of here and the thoughts went away would I forget us?  As I walk around this life moving yet standing in time can people see me, do they understand the expression on my face?

 

 

Do they know where I am at the exact moment they make eye contact with me or does not one person see me in these shadows that hover me?  There are no ideas of good thoughts where I am because my mind is so consumed of what if’s, how’s, why’s that my mind thinks of nothing else.  My plea to find the out of this really is small right now because in all of me I really don’t know how other ways to feel, think, I know nothing of the life that was me before.  I am comfortable being here wandering around in my darkness that to think of a way to be free from it all scares me, this is all I know of right now and cannot think of what can be out of this hole.

At least in this cold dark place I still see your face that go through my mind, at least here I still feel nothing has changed, at least here our life is still is.  Is this the numbness I feel or is it a prison where we are taken to, to be forever lost from the world we thought would be?  Sometimes the tears that fall stop but the pain still remains.  I hear people talking but my mind don’t allow it in because it has no room with all that runs through it already, I know you see me as blanked face but it is only because of that is what I feel and where I am is invisible to your sight.  Every now and then I see a little light flicker but it scares me to want to let it all in, I know not what is to be, the change of my life is unknown so for now I will stay where I am familiar with and not have to worry of anything else nor the unknown.   It sounds so lonely but to me it is a place that I have come accustomed to.  To those of you around me this place is not a place you see, not only until you lose the loved one close to you and is part of your heart.  Some of us stay here longer than others but the ones that break through to the light gives others the light to see just a little even if not ready to break the light is still of comfort in understanding just how long I’ve over welcomed my stay in the darkness for so long.  This is my grief and in this darkness I feel such pain yet at the same time I feel that nothing has changed, that you have not left me, and that our life really didn’t just break.

Kind of like being a caterpillar breaking into a butterfly to each in their own time they spread their wings to fly.  Right now in my cocoon is where my comfort lays no matter how hard it is.  These are my words to all aching hearts that grieve in the beginning, because in the beginning you really don’t want to come from that place because it is of shedding of the old life that once was to fly to the new life you know nothing of, a change that is all up to what you decide to make of it, to shed that darkness is to feel as though your letting go, your forgetting but most of all you are coming to terms that you really lost your loved one passed, and in all that alone is why some wander that dark place for so long. 

 

 

I heard your pleas, I heard your advice but all of that was taken into consideration and released because it is oh so hard to bare the truth of what is, so being in the dark is a way to not feel it right now, that it will not leave and in my own time I will be ready to feel it all, but it’s scary, leery,  yet even though I have heard the voices of loved ones around me you still could of stayed with me in comfort of knowing you were there with me for company, no words will ever break anyone of this place we go to.  That is what I wished people could understand but know it is not to be known until been through.  This is my poem to every grieving heart in the beginning of their grief; this is my declaration for every grieving heart finding a way in their own way to deal with their life and heart being ripped from them.  If I close my eyes and remember I can feel this place still and on some days I feel I could go back there to stay, but to those later on will understand why it is we don’t stay there for as long as we once did. 

You are the person in charge of what ways you want to grieve, you can be broken, or you can be open, broken open to be reborn into a life that always laid within you but now is your gift where you truly start to see life from the heart not the eyes.  I do know most will want to stay forever in the darkness for as long as they can but what lies ahead of them they will always shake their head to knowing they stayed in the dark for too long, compared to what lays ahead.  The darkness you stay in however is kind of like your home, a home where you don’t have to face the reality; it could be addicting in the knowing reality never sets in there.  From my heart I truly understand how this place could be painful yet comforting for a while.  How anger sets in when you hear the voices around you call out to you saying “snap out of it”, move on”.  So the best anyone can do is let your presence be known and just sit to be with those in the dark they are in because in the silence they know you truly care with no words said.

I think for the grief of my father I am just starting to come from that place that the knowledge of losing my husband helps me see the light on this loss, that in some ways I rather start to the breaking open than staying broken, I still feel myself feel the pain of guilt in knowing that I was not the daughter I could have been that in others that I see know of him better it angers me that I never took the time to know him like strangers that I meet that knew and loved him.  I smile in the stories but in anger I shed my tears in not being there the way I needed to be, but that is all mine to deal with and since losing my husband I believe that nothing is impossible to walk through and do the work needed to be done to open up to all of its light, blessings and silver linings.  The most important thing to me is the love the great love we both got back to each other’s hearts in the end, THANK GOD and the blessings of his love, to reunite a father and daughter of how it truly should have felt and been.

 

 

NOTE TO ALL:  When you want to break a person in the beginning of their grief from the darkness they grown accustomed to do them a favor and just sit there with them in their own time they will come from that place to fly to the next place they are going to need to be, a place they may not know of but soon will build to.  Don’t try to snap them out of it that place they are in is their own place of love, that is their safe haven no matter how dark, painful and cold it may be, it is a place where nothing outside of it will touch them to remind them of what has happened and the love and life they lost.  Let them wander the dark because in darkness the breaks of light will fall through soon enough little by little to enlighten them to find their own broken open, and know staying broken is not the life they were given to live.

Finding it in our own time is the only way, being forced to move is only to keep them there for even longer than intended.  This is the place we soon open the eyes of our heart and miracles happen in our hearts and in front of our eyes.  It is just a very few who never return from this place but to those little that is their decision to be made of their own heart.  Don’t try to break a person free when they already are broken.  This is my place that I share with all of you in understanding that it is a place where we find ourselves to either break open or stay a little longer.

 

 

Thanks for making me a fighter DARKNESS

 

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Pain in the Heart

 

 

Seeing the pain in your eyes brings me back to the days of mine that where I felt nothing will ever be the same, that where I was I’d be forever held captive in pain for the rest of the life that I lived.  When I hear the words that are spoken loss of hope and belief of what happiness you had will ever remain again, in your eyes I see tears, fear, no spark, darkness I get chills understanding just how dark it gets where you are right now.  When so many hearts around me grasp for the light I sometimes feel that I just may go back to those times of such a dark hopeless place, yet in every word spoken from my heart to yours, it is not down I feel we are going, no matter how much I recall of how the pain was before, through each conversation no matter how bitter or heart wrenching it is not down where I was before I feel that we are going.  The pain reminds me of how too often it may be that in those days I struggled as the way you struggle now.  Yet in all the hands and hearts that reach out to me, no matter how devastating the conversation is of the others that struggle I know deep in my heart that if where I am now they too can do the very same thing.

When I listen to the brokenness in the voices trying to hold back the tears I understand that in that brokenness one day it will no longer be.  Sometimes a little leery of just how much I have in me to help I know deep within all the love is there that I need.  Understanding your pain when confronted to the open hearts of vulnerability is a beauty all on its own, to know someone could be just that vulnerable with me a person hardly known.  The future you see is no where you can see ahead of you, your hope, faith, heart and life is shattered, It feels a though no ground holds you under your feet, the foundation solid once before has fallen.  Understanding serving to you all that come my way from my love somewhere in me is the offer of love that you need, that in that moment you are being heard, and in just that is all you wanted, to be with a person who has been through what you have been,  to know you are not alone nor going crazy.  Some days through all the voices I cannot believe that when I look back I myself am still standing, there may be times I fall into the sadness but the helping out to others is what fills my all with the joy of life that is all I need to know that what and where I am is always comforted in my times of feeling the pain of the past.

When you come from the place of what you love doing that will forever pull you back up and give strength to your all every time you need it.  It’s funny sometimes as I look around I look to the faces of so many in wonder just how many are walking around hiding the loss of a loved one just because they feel they truly have no one to talk to, or society makes them feel they need to be the way they were before, that mourning should be hurried and life should go back to the way it was before.  That’s just it life as it was before will never be the same, that life can’t go back to how it was before because that life is of no longer.  Looking around to so many knowing in most that I see they have been through loss but have they really walked through it?  Or have they denied the feelings of it all to become a ticking bomb to something even bigger later down the road in their life.  It’s not about being a professional, it’s about holding the hands of as many as you can to guide them through the struggles they deal with, it’s about walking with others to light their way when on their own it is dark.  It’s about love first, holding out your hand to grab onto those that feel they are falling; it’s about being a loving healer to all hearts sent your way.

 

 

There’s been way too many lives of such beautiful souls that I have heard of that took their life through their journey through grief that my voice for all that grieves becomes louder and louder every day, my love expands more and more to every heart that aches in love to save a life, for people to know they are not alone, just simply for them to know they too are recognized in this world that what they go through is something of not what others perceive that it is of something of great pain and takes hard steps to walk through it that if they need that extra voice to hear or extra ear to listen that it is there for them for however long that it takes until they can do it on their own.  Looking around I see too many in the darkness with no one shining a light for them as they feel the darkness may never leave.  If it takes everything that I got I stand strong in being here for every person that I can that come my way that grieves, this is the testament of the heart.  It’s hard to look to someone and see in their eyes that their life has no meaning to them, or a voice so weak it could barely speak.  So this I speak loudly, proudly that to all that grieve that it is just not something to be pushed to the back, that every unique soul that grieves deserves to be noticed, served with passion and carried until they can walk on their own.

Losing my father ignited a fire so fierce in my heart even more than that was there after losing my husband, that there is no stopping me to what it is I can do to help the grieving souls in this world, young to old no soul is to be over looked.  For me in my heart I just know that one day I want to see myself to be the spiritual healer to the souls that grieve, to touch hearts everywhere around me all over the world.  It’s been two years since losing my husband that I have been at this and there has not been one single  regret in me that I have started to do exactly what my heart brought me to do.  No matter how low or how high my love will always be open to the divine souls of grief.  My father has been gone for just three months and I smile in knowing the lessons he has taught me each day, the places he’s brought me into, I smile in knowing even he is telling me to keep pushing on with all that I do.

For me the most important of all was having to get a male actually open up, that to me was a blessing due to knowing usually the males are harder to actually get to open up, in that I felt such great gratefulness in my heart and knew in all of me that the gift given to me is a gift not to go undone nor forgotten.  The wondrous of opening a person up is miracle in life to be seen, heard and felt, that to be open is to be able to allow that person in to see what blessings are there waiting for them to see, so to be able to see that single spark turn on in someone’s eyes is a treasure to keep in a place of such love that will never be forgotten.  Even in my times of hard times I ask myself “why do I do what I do if I have my moments still?  Well that is where I learn my lessons and in each lesson is a learning to share with others that need a hand to hold.  Then I understand the greatest of feeling of all is to help you is to help another.  It is not just grief I found lately that I have been expanding into just anyone that needs a hand, anyone that is down and needs to be lifted, I see pain in so many that approach me that in that pain my heart would never let me turn from. 

 

 

Some say is it a gift or a curse?  Definitely a gift to be of a curse is to say that life is not about helping others when all actuality it is, it is what the core of us all are supposed to be about to be of.  We all are in this world together to watch another to walk by as they struggle is to be not living life as should be.  So many smiles on people’s faces out in the world today made my heart beam, that to think if it be like this all the time what a life it would be.  As I walked around looking to the entire twinkle in the lights around me I smiled in knowing that in us all is the ability to have that twinkle of light and to see another without is our job to twinkle our light for them until they find their own.  It’s funny how we take for granted that someone is just there, sitting at the eye doctors the other day we talked about my dad’s sister in finding what diseases ran on my dad’s side I automatically assumed I could pick up my phone and give him a call.  Then I had to sit back and breathe as tears filled my eyes in remembering no that’s not possible he is not here anymore.  For those breaking heart feelings alone is why I choose to be the strong voice for every heart ache out there and lead them through the hard times they face.

It’s to every little sign that strikes a nerve in our heart to remind us of the life we loss, that forever in our lives that will be, and for that reason I stand by the love of what I do for grief.  Maybe for some it may not feel of importance for the fact it’s part of life, well to those that grieve they never thought that it be so soon, and to move on quickly like some would say they should is not possible for them just now.  For each of those people I will never quit.  It’s hard some days to see my purpose being of significance yet when I see all around me lives affected by grief I know deep in my heart it is an issue to be seen not covered.

Even after I have moved forward into my new life grief to me will always be my number one priority to my heart, my husband passed will never let me forget that.  My beautiful father will never let me lose the lessons of the greatest that he is still today bringing to my attention and heart.  My I am affirmations remind me that every night they are sent out to the universe to know in my heart they all will be supported and sent back my way, when you lead with love there is nothing that will stand in your way.  Each person I talk to know deep in their hearts their loved ones never leave them it is just so hard for them to not be able to see them like they are used to.  Yet as I tell them it is hard to not be able to see them feeling them and truly taking them all in is more than you could of ever imagine and worth so much more than being able to see.  You don’t get to be in your own light forever holding on to the image of the one you loss, you get to your light by feeling and listening hard to the whispers said to your heart and soul.

 

 

As the holidays approach I know a lot of pain will be felt by so many, but baby steps through it all it will be accomplished to making it through.  If I have to be the hand to walk with each person through that day I know in my heart that my own pain felt shall be shed in the help I give to each person’s hand that help walk that day. 

It frustrates me to beyond that now my voice and actions will become louder and louder to be heard for the grieving in this world, to see such ignorance of the topic makes me make sure my voice is heard, it may be quiet, it may be as though I’m not being heard but in the quiet I know it is being heard loud and clearly because in the silence is where you know something that your doing is growing, that in that silence is where you know your excellence is.  When it’s quiet that usually means others see you and know that you’re making big strides to where you want to be.  I may not have a fancy place or organization open but my ways are still reaching hearts all around the world and that part of my dream will be one day soon.

The unconditional love I carry is stamped with love to all that are in pain and feel alone, it takes just one dream, belief and determination to make the change you feel so strongly of in this world, yet to each heart that you touch that one turns into so many and grows so much more every day.  As I look back I smile in knowing after all the falling down I’ve done not once did I give up on those that needed to be lifted.  Even in my down I miraculously lifted others in their time of need, unconditional love of what you do will forever be backed by the grace of God to give what you need in your time of need.

 

 

I remember my husband passed as I looked deep into his eyes while he was sick in the hospital he smiled so big at me and grabbed my hand to kiss it, that was the smile I remember that would give me the encouragement to make it through all of struggles I was going through, I will forever remember that smile in knowing he was put in my life for a reason.  That smile will forever be the strength behind me in the steps forward I feel I cannot make.  His love is the love that created the burning unconditional love in my heart to live the life I always dreamed I could, that no matter how hard it is to get the attention I need of others will be one day, that the climbing is a climb of adventure to see others climbing around me to smile in knowing I do not climb alone.

NOTE TO ALL:  BE LOVE, BE LIGHT, BE LIGHT FOR OTHERS THAT ARE IN THE DARK, BELIEVE, DREAM and forever know you matter and that grief is not something that is to be forgotten it is a matter of being heard not feeling alone and walking strongly through it even if for a little you need the hand of another until you can make it on your own.  I am strongly standing and raising the awareness that grief does not just go away overnight that to every person who turns their back to someone that grieves will learn how to be positive to someone that grieves, that all people that grieve will never feel alone and feel the only way to go is to take their own life.  I am the voice, strength, love of all that grieve and will not stop until I’m heard for every single heart that grieves.

Again part 3 to Mysterious Tombstone will be coming out soon, sorry to all that are waiting but things that hit my heart and feel I need to type of comes out and has no stopping J

 

 

 

 

 



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Letting Go Be Incredible

I’m supposed to be writing the ending of my short story but something that has come to my mind and heart I choose to type about.  So it will be a little post of mixed things that have been in my heart and on my mind.

So many I know of that lost a loved one are so worried of the fact of when to put their loved ones things away, when to do it, how to do it, then there are people who pressure people into thinking it has been long enough that the person starts to feel that something is wrong for the reason they feel it’s been too long but they feel no notion to do so.  People that are not walking in your shoes do not know of what your heart is saying to you, they do not feel what your heart feels, so take that advice with a grain of salt and truly do what it is you feel in your own heart and mind.  Time is nothing to do with how you feel; we all feel and grow in our own time in different ways. 

 

How do you breathe when so much around you is falling to pieces?  When I see so much falling to pieces I immediately go back to the moment my life shattered when my husband passed away that my body goes into panic motion, the tears fall quick and the darkness comes in quickly fogging all of what I have grown to be, the strength I looked back to see how far I come becomes a fog, my perceptions of a strong foundation I felt becomes shaky.  When things of my heart I feel should be turns out to being not the way I vision, or something that I thought I’d want to do and have a chance for slips from my hands I automatically go back to that moment in time where my whole world changed and all that I have had in me see’s nothing but dark skies and fog of all I build to now.   This is where many of us let go and stop believing in all that we know we can do, we let our dreams slip, I know right now it is gloomy but know again the greatest of struggles will bring you back up to higher than before, it is just not in the exact timing you wish for.

 

 

So much struggles have been happening around me that yet again I am down, I am feeling out of hope, tears fall in disappointment and frustration, my heart hurts for what I lost, yet I know in the down time I will see the little signs and light soon enough to get back up.  It is in the greatest of your struggles that become the test of just how hard you are going to fight for all that you want.  It is in that you will be tested if you let go of all you believe in and dream of, if it is the breaking point to letting the negativity that surrounds you keep you chained to keep moving forward or being afraid of all and more disappointments that will come your way.  My heart, mind and soul have truly been tested for the last couple weeks; through the good I’ve seen the darkness surround my world.  You see that is when you have to believe even harder, work even harder, fight even harder, in the time you feel no strength to fight take the time to see the signs and all that is surrounding you lying down until you know in your heart you got the strength to get back up.  Letting the feelings of hopelessness stay will forever keep you from what you build so strongly to for so long. 

As I lay in my gloom, I see the little signs that surprisingly pop up, I see that there is signs letting my heart know that what I am is not how I am feeling now, that what I am here for is not gone, it is not the wrong path that I walk on, I know in my heart that those signs are the signs from God letting me know it’s going to be hard but giving up is not your option, that through the hardest of struggles the great reward is in it all, not in your time but in the time it is meant to happen, no matter how much your patience domineer you are a gift to what you do that it will be in a  bigger way than you think of it will be in your own mind.  My heart truly this past weeks have been crushed yet here I am still looking around seeing the love, support, blessings to know God’s plans are never easy for us to go through

To carry such stress in all of you is not what should be, that stress creates the barrier to all that you are here for and deteriorates your strength to be able to be all of what you need to be when God calls upon you to do your thing, take time to lay down as long as you need to let go of that heart wrenching feeling and clear the negativity and darkness that surrounds you.  It is in all of us to live the dream and purposes we bare just in the struggles we have to learn to not let go, not give up, to know it is never easy to be in the place God planned for you, the struggles are the lessons of just how strong we can be in our purposes that God instilled in all our hearts.  Tests come our way to see just how we take the time to either believe in what we want or to see how easy it is we give up.

 

 

 

Look around to the blessings and signs no matter how foggy your vision becomes because they are there for you to see so you know to keep fighting the good fight.  So many times I felt all of me letting go to give up but within seconds I found that little extra strength, that little extra push, sign, beauty that whispered to my heart it is hard now but you are exactly where you are meant to be right now, that making a change for the greater good in this world is harder than anything you can know of, it’s a battle of ups and downs and not something easy that happens overnight.  Faith, love, prayer, belief, use it to understand that is what will be heard and help you when you are ready to get back up to endure the next round of life.  Yes maybe to your seeing in others of what you wished could be you but to do that is to rob you of your own special traits and purpose built into your wholeness.  Don’t look to others seeing it is so easy for them because you know not what struggles they have been through to be where they are now.

Sometimes I feel invisible but know in my heart the lives I have touched has no place of being invisible, I look to the bigger of what should be that I forget to see the smallest of things that mean so much more than the bigger I wished for.  Little by little leads to bigger and bigger of things to come in its own time, when things of what you are align to all of what you are meant to be your heart will celebrate to the struggles you have had in your life. 

When you look to your life in disappointment count the blessings you have now and understand someone out there in this world is struggling just to live, when you feel invisible smile in knowing all the lives that you have touched, that it doesn’t matter if someone of great celebrity is not seeing you because sometimes just sometimes in the quiet is where the magic starts, that it is not in the celebrities eyes where what you do is being noticed it is in God’s eyes where what you build to counts, what he sees that what you do matters the most.  Don’t fight things to be, don’t struggle and force yourself to be where you are supposed to be because that is where you prolonging what it is that will be one day soon in the time it is supposed to be, when you force, fight and struggle it is in your heart you know that right now it is not the moment for you to be that you think you should be, God will let you know when it is to be.

 

  

So right now I am down but I know it’s not because I’ve failed I know it’s because it is time to rest regroup and gather more to the picture than there was  before.  In the getting knocked down is where your little miracles surround you, where you see you have not at all failed or made any less progress to where you are going, you gain the knowledge of the just exactly where your next steps will take you to.  Always remember when you feel invisible that you may feel that way but so many know you are there and most importantly God knows where you are.  My world may seem upside down but that’s only because I’m looking at it from the upside down.  I may not have the money and financial stability I need but that is just something so minor to the love and support that over flows in my life and all things to be grateful for now, that is truly where your riches are.

My tears that fall and heartache I feel will be temporarily, nothing I know in my heart will take away my God given talents and dreams no matter how dark or how low I may feel from time to time, that to us all is how it should be, to build strength in all of our being to say good bye to the negative to know we all are instilled with God’s given talents and dreams that will be one day.  Feel sorry for yourself but don’t let it stay for too long, to know in your heart that feeling sorry for yourself is to give away all love that you bear in you.  Not anything is impossible if you keep fighting for what you feel, what you can see happen in your life, just know it’s not easy getting there, knowing it does not happen right when you feel it should, to not give up when you see it is not happening when you feel it should.

I am not sure right now what the lessons are to me in this hard time I go through but I do know I’ve seen the signs and blessings to know where I am is ok and that I am still on the path meant for me to be. 

 

 

Going back to what I talked about in the beginning of this post is a story that just occurred this weekend.  As I was wandering around my bedroom with no thoughts in mind, something spoke to me that “it is ok to put the pictures that surrounded all of me away of my husband passed”, right out of the blue and in surprise the feeling in my heart just came to me, so one by one I stacked the pictures and put them in a place of love to know that those pictures were just materialistic and what I hold in me is more than the pictures that surround me, that part of letting go is knowing in your heart you will never forget them or never be severed from that love that you made together.  You don’t have to constantly stress of when it should be, fret of when it should be nor listen to others of when it should be because like what I have been saying in this post out of surprise it will just be, it will just come to you, your heart will let you know out of the blue in a magical surprising way you will just know now is the time.

NOTE TO ALL:  Don’t look to others to compare yourself, don’t stay down for too long, don’t let the stress of others lead you to where they think you should be, take the time for you to know and get the strength you need to feel that wondrous of life in you that you felt all along until the negativity and darkness invaded your fall.  Understand in you that you’re not invisible, that the most important person to your life sees you, knows what you are going through and will open doors that need to be open in the time of when they should be.  Don’t let the tears and hurt of your lows invade the strong foundation you’ve built up to for so long weaken it. 

Find the little blessings that you’ve accomplished so far and know you are exactly where you are meant to be, let go of the fact that you should be noticed by a celebrity figure to know what you are worth, or that is what you need for you break out to be seen, know that God is all that you need to work with you to be seen, that in its time he will take you through it, that he knows of your struggles and pray to his love that where you are now is not where you are staying.  If what you do built from your heart will flourish into the most of beautiful lest thing ever thought of in your own mind.  Your bad days are your stepping stones to understand where it is you need to be stepping, your tears are your hard work you are building to where you need to be in your life.  Don’t let that down time take away your dreams, gifts and purposes.

 

 

Know how you feel and where you are is not permanent, that it is not a forever place for you to be.  I am open, ready, willing to receive, and WORTHY take a deep breath laying down in your fall down and say those words as many times as you can to know you are important to this world and what you carry is changing the lives and world for the better.  Lord knows it is hard it is so very hard but you will rise again full of more knowledge, love and strength to keep taking those steps forward. Struggles are just you finding your way and if you forever let your struggles take over you will see all of what you were meant to be pass you by as you fight the waves of struggles pushing you down.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Mysterious Tombstone (Part 2)

 

 

Things that once brought a smile to Jenna’s face while shopping was no longer, her mother watched Jenna how she just glanced amongst the things of her favorites but had no emotion to everything she looked to.  Her mother knew as always she had been suspicious to that something was definitely not right as she knew all along.  She held up a sweater to Jenna and asked “what do you think?”  Jenna shrugged her shoulders and could not wait to put an end to this shopping, in all of her she just wanted to be home, comfortable, in her safe haven.  Jenna’s mother wanted to just know so desperately what was wrong with her daughter.  So her mother thought it be a good idea to grab a bite to eat, Jenna as always just walked through the motions with no emotion or care, she followed and did what she had to do to please her mom.  They grabbed a bite in a cute little relaxing restaurant, Jenna’s mom was looking at Jenna with thoughts of serious problems her daughter was struggling with going through her mind, yet she knew the answers would not be because Jenna always brushed it off and got quite agitated.

Jenna barely touched her food, her mother asked for the cheque to leave because she knew her daughter had no intention of wanting to be where she was.  Her mother smiled and said “Christmas is on its way, won’t be too long now”.  Jenna looked again faceless with no expression and her mother felt her stomach cringe because she knew just how much Christmas meant to Jenna.  As they left to go back to Jenna`s her mother could not stop feeling that horrible feeling in her stomach, she knew her daughter was struggling and felt helpless.   

Jenna had bought no clothes, no nothing, she barely ate her food, and it was as though she was there but it was not the person her mother knew.  Her mother glanced at Jenna with tears tearing in her eyes but holding them back she said ``I love you, go relax and will see you soon, call me if you feel up to it or need anything``.  ``ok mom``, Jenna responded kissing her on the cheek and leaving the car to enter her home.  Jenna as usual wandered her home not knowing what to do she felt she wanted to scream, she wanted to cry and never stop but in her heart she could not admit to what it was that turned her life upside down.  Each day in disbelief she expected to see that face at her door she longed for, not knowing how to face her heart she went on denying and believing nothing happened, that she would see that face again, that in her own mind nothing happened.
 

In panic she scrambled to see the time, she went into complete panic mode knowing she did not do her routine thing today, she whipped around her house franticly and raced out her door barely locking the door, she needed to go to the cemetery she visited every day and realised how could she ever of forgotten to be there, she blamed her mother and the useless shopping trip.  As always Jenna had come to the headstone she glanced at every day, sometimes multiple times, looking she felt nothing, no emotion as always just starring and memorizing all of the head stone in her mind.  Than she noticed something, she felt tears running down her face, she felt in all of her an emotion, she stepped back quickly whipped her face and ran she didn’t know where she was running to she just ran, in her mind she felt running would be in actuality running away from what she needed to feel but knew deep down she could not do this forever or she would end up somewhere she would not like, she had already felt like she was at rock bottom.

She thought to herself “I can’t do this, I can’t go through this alone but I don’t want to admit it, I don’t want to let go of the belief I will see that face again, that it wasn’t what she felt in her heart, she couldn’t understand why she could just not let go and understand what had happened.

She fell to her knees grasping her chest near her heart, as she was doing this not realising she was out in the middle of nowhere for anyone to see she realised a man approaching her quickly, she stood to her feet quickly.  The man approached her to look at her and ask “are you ok; is something wrong, do you need help”? Jenna looked to the man recognizing him from the little coffee shop she went to every day, he then realised as well, “hey I know you I see you every morning at the coffee shop that sells the best coffee, he laughed”.  Jenna didn’t think it was so funny and was quite startled he found her the way she was she said “I am ok no worries” and hurried to walk back towards her home, turning quickly from the man as the man stood there in disbelief to what had just happened, feeling quite baffled and not too sure what to think he went on his way as well.  Jenna wanted to lock herself up from the world after that incident, “why can’t I just live in my own world with no one around”, she screamed in her mind as she walked and walked not realising just how far she ran.

 

Still in heart she denied that her life had changed and she no longer see that sweet face anymore, she was happy to see her friends and mother did not abandoned her no matter how bad she wished some days for it she smiled in that only, knowing she was so loved.  Then she thought of the man from the coffee shop and her stomach turned into knots, she thought he probably thought she was a crazy lady and every day since that night he always still managed to smile at her after the way she acted towards him.  Life was moving fast but Jenna still felt standing still in time, she knew time was moving that life has not stopped but in her own life and heart she was still standing still in time.  She felt there was nowhere to run to, nowhere to go, no way to fix herself, her life, her heart, she had no idea what to do, she couldn’t even make the easiest of decisions no more, everything was upside down and she had no idea what to do.
 

While Christmas was nearing Jenna’s mother had an idea, she knew Jenna had been in the Caribbean with Jeremy for two weeks, her mother wondered if she could go to the library to look up newspapers from back then to see if she could find anything, at this point Jenna’s mom was desperate to find anything she could.  She knew Jenna went with Jeremy for vacation but Jeremy had some business to do as well while there.  She thought after that is when she seen this drastic change in her daughter.  Her mother thought it would be worth a try.  She could not grasp onto the fact how Jenna was so open with to see her now all of sudden pulling back so much, she knew in her heart her daughter needed help.  She did not want to pry but felt badly in her gut that she needed to do this.

Jenna at home wandered around the shrine like always every day and every night starring to the pictures all around her that surrounded her every minute of every second of her days.  She could not believe that she let things go so far, that she for three months now has lived her life in denial, she felt the pain was no longer going to let her deny what she needed to do, that it was near and pushing through her denial touching her heart heavily, she knew that it won’t be too long she would have to face her biggest of fear and pain and the unknown of her future.  That it would not last much longer.  It was a dream she remembered that she knew what she was doing was not right, in her dream that sweet face she so desperately wanted to see in real life spoke to her, he said “You have to be happy, you have to move on, I want you to be happy, I can’t move on where I am  if you don’t, my love will always be with you,  around you, everywhere you go, PLEASE live your life and be happy, be happy for me I am ok, live your life honoring mine and do all things I loved.  Your life is all of what you dreamed and I see all that you accomplish and are so proud of you, our love will always be but you have to move forward and live, smile and be happy”.  This dream she kept remembering over and over in her mind, it was so real that when she awoke she thought he’d be there. 

 

Her mother at the library franticly flipped through newspaper articles one after another, than her heart felt as though it stopped as she came across an article on the front page, private jet on its way to secluded Island crashes all died, one passenger’s body not found, her mother couldn’t read fast enough, the names she thought I need to see names, the body not found was Jeremy Jacobs claimed by wife Jenna Hastings, that not only that her mother read just newlywed, while being on vacation they had married and the next day was the tragic accident, Jenna’s mom’s heart dropped, she sat in the chair crying uncontrollably, the librarian feeling sorry approached her touched her shoulder, “are you ok ma am?” Jenna’s mother startled glanced quickly and said “I’m ok, I am sorry” and fled that library so fast.

She wanted to get to Jenna as quickly as she could, she raced with tears in her eyes not believing what she just read in anger thinking “why?, why did this happen to my daughter”. 

Jenna at home could not bear the dream no more it shattered her heart she fled her home leaving the door open and everything to go to her usual place, she fell to her knees this time with emotion, she cried, she whaled, she screamed “WHYYYYYYYY”, WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?, WHY AM I HERE ALONE, IT’S NOT HOW IT WAS SUPPOSE TO BE”.   

She cried and cried not caring who was around, this is where she remembered bringing her newlywed husband back home just one night after marrying to Barry him in New York, that he had no family and did this all without one person knowing, to having a barriel at the cemetery and watched as her husband was put to rest ALONE.  As she let all these memories come flooding back she cried, she grasped for air, she grasped for her voice, she always thought he would come back, that it was all just a bad dream, Jeremy’s body was soon discovered later towards the night that part her mother did not see in the article since the article was printed earlier.  Jenna felt something different in her, she had felt a huge weight off her shoulders, still broken hearted and shattered she had to move on with her life, she knew she had to find the way, she knew now she had to walk through the pain and feel it all to know that was the only way to get better the best way she could but knew her grief would always be there.

While Jenna was on her knees sobbing her mother had been just at her home in frantic in seeing Jenna gone and the door wide open, she cried, she cried like she never did before, she panicked as she went to every room in the home in horror not seeing her daughter.  “Jenna please, where are you, are you here, where did you go, where could you of gone, I need to find you”.  She could barely speak from crying as hard as she grasped for breaths.

To be continued........

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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