Happy Never Ending

It's a funny little thing in life that when you look to something so dark, so hurtful to all your being that once through it turning around as you shed the pain and the darkness fades you find the power of love through it all, you find the AMAZING GRACE in a total surprise to your every being how once something that hurt you so badly to the core was in all actuality a life time lesson of the greatest of moment to you, a gift behind the dark fogged that lifted as you took each and every hard step forward through it, scared, skeptical, afraid to fall and not get back up to find yourself rising when you felt as though the whole time you were sinking.  

When you feel at your worse know that in that worse if you keep walking you will find the power invested in you to find the greater of good.  It does not ever stop there once you walk through the tears, heartache and pain your so much greater than that great you find through it all there is so much more to find, to walk, to fall down, yet to your life it is of such great worth to know by the power of God he is handing you the more and more you are worth if only you allow yourself to face that pain, that dark, that fear, to acknowledge what is talking to your soul and to not turn cheek to the cries your heart whispers to you, to know in every fail it is not a fail it is a path leading you to you the path you are gently being pushed to.

I wandered life far too long in the shadows of fear to come to understand if you do not move your life does not move, to feel life is against you is a fear in you avoiding the hard you know you have to feel yet again, to accept that your forever challenges, fears and changes are not easy yet growth, miracles and blessings calling your name, that the easy is not ever the way, to understand and bring out to life the things you know that need to be fixed, to say out loud and clear what it is you know you need to be changed for the better and battle that fear to find your forever guiding light through it all is the motivation to never want to stop no matter what you have to face, no matter how many nos you have to hear, know in all the nos, the rejections that it is all a great miracle leading you to the place you are meant to be greater than how you feel it should of been in your mind. 

 

Open your heart fully to address what it is in you that you feel needs to be, the needs of your dreams your purposes, your growth.  I always felt it be lights, camera, action for me, I felt to make an impact I had to just be in the spotlight, far from the truth at hand, my purpose, my dream, had a different direction for me, to fight that leads you forever in a circle finding no way out.  Acknowledging the problems you feel, saying them out loud and facing them is the greatest reward to your heart, mind, soul and life like you never could of imagined it ever be.

I found myself getting turned down interview after interview to stop and listen in my silence to find myself to know to lift up, let go and let God find me and show me my way, he placed me in a place that i'd never would of ever thought be, yet a place as soon as my foot touched ground a place my heart instantly over flowed with joy with an instant of a beat of my heart, I looked back to being a caregiver to my husband when he was sick how hurtful it was to do yet how powerful it was to be a person to love with all my heart and be there for the need of others, to gracefully see now that I was placed in a position of others that are so full of love and light that look to me for my care I seen the bigger picture of how something so painful can so quickly make your heart beam with such over powering love that your dream instantly takes a different vision than you thought how it should of been within a blink of an eye.

  Being a caregiver to my husband passed was yet again his way showing me where my heart and soul was meant to be, to be in service to beautiful souls that need all the love and care that I can give.  To be of service with nothing but heart is my purpose, that is my dream, to love to be where you were so gently placed is something I can never explain strongly in words yet only to feel it to the core of my whole to the tips of my toes is my dream I thought never be, a dream I never thought was there.  Only by surprise and the grace of God to find through all the rejection the nos and forever feeling hopeless, I have found the hope, the love, the dream, the bigger picture.  To care for others as I have been gifted as I have with my husband passed brings tears to my eyes of nothing but absolute love, joy and a forever feeling of walking in the clouds.

You see through the hardest of my times so strongly struggling to find my way I never stopped, even though dreams seemed to fade that dream was a dream that I never opened my heart fully to know, to see, it was a dream of purpose God had instilled in my life that through it with his love and guidance I had to accept and find, no matter how scared, how lost I felt through it all I found my way, God don't ever end your possibilities and things you can do in life or the growth you have in you, he expects and instills the biggest of the biggest in you, that just when you feel it ends after going through all you have already more is on the horizon.   

Yet as scared and tired you may be, there is a force that never lets you fall, you may take a little bit of time to accept that more is there for you in fear and tiredness yet you know why stop now when you know before the great you've got to endure the worse is there first, you know in all of you through it the greater is at the end of it all, to be patient and willing to keep getting back up with grace and love each and every time, you know it is there for you, your goals, your growth, your light, your bliss, the forever over flowing of blessings pouring out into your lap is always there if you accept the dark and the fear and find your bigger, and bigger and endless joys and dreams of life.  God don't look to you as little he looks to you and your life with big, big forever accomplishments and growth, there is no ending to what you can do, your limitless once you find the path your love is calling you to. 

I found myself in a fear, thinking I have so much already that there possibly couldn't be anymore in me to change, yet to my surprise there was, there is and it was something, it is something that has been crying for me for so long now, afraid to bring it to the surface and mend it,  I found myself yet again stuck, saying to myself "how could I let this happen when I have seen so much already, that I know what I need to do, so why am I denying the parts of me that need my love, my mending?", the fear of saying it out loud, the fear of what others may think of me if they found out, the fear of the hard work to get through it, I yet again found myself in the face of the dark in fear of what will be,  instead of walking strong through it at that moment I hid and denied and fought, knowing all to well that is not what leads you to your growth, to the greater and greater and endless blessings to the life you have been given.  

So I said it, I accepted it not as a weakness but as a challenge that through it is my growth, my light, a part of me that will grow to be stronger and lead me to yet again to the side of the surprises of the greatest of my blessings coming to life for the greater good.  It was not a weakness to face the fear of knowing I needed to address a chemical imbalance that I denied for so long, it is a gift to becoming whole, to being a light for others afraid as well.  To fight the fear to find a place for my little girl and I to finally start our new life together, without the safety net of home, to stand tall an begin my life independently to the fullest and start to drive, all fears yet now a burst of excitement in knowing in that fear and hard times to make it through the endless amazing dream of possibilities given to me to conquer not fear.

I have truly been touched to know that in fear, hurt, tears and pain it is Gods gift to gift you to understand your life is endless of dreams, love, purpose and great growth and achievements, his love for you is endless, his dreams for you are endless, therefor you have to be the one to walk that walk, to keep walking that walk, knowing no matter how long it may be it may feel,  your life of great joy, bliss, dreams of reality are in it all through it at the end of the shadows that lay behind once it clears, to your delight,  your eyes see bright, your heart lifts to the clouds, your smile becomes endless, the doors are all open sparkling with the bliss of the calling of your name, and it is the surprises of the way you thought it should be yet turns out totally different is truly where the sweetest of blessings will always be, no matter how you thought it should be you will never ever feel disappointment only the melody of your heart singing God Bless this moment.  The unseen AHA'S are the greatest gifts to your life, no words can ever describe.

Bryan Chadwick my love, my rock, my forever reminder of love of unconditional, God chose you to work through you unto me and that alone is the biggest of blessings to my surprise, my heart, my soul.  God working through people, that right there is gift we all need to bring out of us and shine bright, but to see it in action is a miracle of the greatest love ever.

Clipped wings can grow again.  Broken wings can regain a strength and beauty unknown before.  If you will, you can be released and free.  I pray that I may be freed from things that hold me down.  I pray that my spirit may soar in freedom.

~24/Hour Book~

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Change is your Rainbow

So through so much change that has been happening in such a fast paced whirlwind the last three months I smile in such gratitude and can never be so proud of a mommy I am today.  Yet through these strong, powerful, heart wrenching changes none of it was easy, none I thought we would get through.  That's just it if you tell yourself "its impossible" you will always be afraid of the hard work that lies ahead of your life in the dark, hiding from the change that wants you to be for the brighter.  

My little girl has been home schooled by me for four years, after her father had passed away the feeling to me in my heart was to grab onto all I had left and thought that in my heart it be good for us to have this time together, however for many reasons I knew later it was the fear of not being able to let go.  I started to feel it was not in my heart to keep on like this, sleeping schedule messed up, my daughter was with me 24/7 , that simple things I noticed were no longer, that woke me up loudly,  started me to take all the strength in my heart to realize the hard change that needed to be changed, for the love of us both, to look up and think how her dad would want the same as I felt in my heart.  

After hard, challenging, heart wrenching change, and many falling downs we worked through the change each and every day through the summer for our high rising moment of REAL school to come into our lives, it was not jut real school, it was literally my little girl getting use to everything, going outside, making friends, getting up early, having a schedule, not being afraid of going in the car, the little things that may seem so simple that she was so out of touch with just by simply being in a world she forgot was around her. 

Something so simple this may sound but to know what struggles my little girl had to face no words can ever explain just how bright my heart beam in seeing her take those hard times and fears and face them each and every day.  After many opinions of counselors and psychiatrists the diagnoses was as my heart had known for far too long but afraid to change, her an I had become into a trap of being together too much that we fell into a trap we never wanted to get out in the thought of it being our security blanket.

Once I realized just how much this affected my little girl I knew it was time as the mom to take the lead and show her that change is not fear, change is making your life full of dreams and doors opening all around, it's about freeing yourself from the fear of dark making you crippled to take the one baby step of all you need to let go of the fear and embrace the grace.  The summer felt so helpless in moments we would never make it, however that vision of believing and knowing how it could be is what kept us getting back up each time and being the tough cookies her father always told us we were.  

I literally could not breathe in thinking of letting her go, I cried many tears, was literally knocked down I felt for the count, however by the grace of God, the love of my husband passed I looked to our little girl in wanting the best life she deserves, that we deserve and I knew the rut we got caught in was not it.  As time went on things unraveled before my eyes so quickly, my little girl was spreading her wings getting ready to soar.  From just that little baby step out the snowballing effect came so fast taking my breath away, looking to my little girl in such gratitude and oh so proud of her.  

Grief sometimes, or any kind of fears can keep us back from the greatest things that we miss out in fear of the greatest moment to our life in the being caught up in being afraid to face our fear, our change, to not ever ignore change because if it is knocking it is not knocking for no reason it is a sign that something great is trying to get your attention.  Being a mom I take such deep compassion in wanting all the best for my little girl, that on her own I want her to know the real life and know an be her own little young lady and be all that she can be, to dream her own dreams, I wanted her to grow and my heart whispers told me holding on was not the way to let her grow to become the beautiful young lady and great bright light she is by keeping her close to me and holding on tight.  

Now I smile so proudly, so grateful, to see her become her own person each day as she faces her fears as she steps out the door each day to conquer her day.  To see her be on her own in real school and also seeing in the letting go I had feared so much is truly really where our next chapter has been waiting for us for far too long, to see her shine, that her shine is seen in others,  they to can see that shine.   I praise with thanks that God touched our lives in strength and love to pick us up as we fell down an not once doubted we could not handle what we were going through.  

I see my little girl and know now that changes no matter how feared are the whisper from your heart letting you know it is time to take the step,  walk strong for the more greatness that awaits your bravery.  It is not about just going to school it is about seeing the brightness of our future in the reflection of the change we face no matter what, no matter what fear lays in it.  

Its the over flowing emotion you feel that there is not anything you cannot do, that the more you change the more you want, that the light becomes brighter and everything you see around is pure beauty and that the life you vision so full of grace, love, dreams coming true, abundance, gratitude, the more you want to live your days to the fullest and fullest and fullest, it is where you understand you are strong enough, you are brave enough, you can be and do what you choose to be, you just have to grab that change and walk strong through it all no matter how many times you fall, you cry, you feel you can't, you just CAN.

I spoke to a grief Counselor today that made me feel so grateful for what I have in my heart, through these amazing mile stones my little girl had a down day and it took a lot to get it out of her but from her heart to mine she had told me "I miss Daddy", and then I had went back to the day before she was going to school an how heavy my heart was in knowing he was not here in the flesh to see his smile in what his little girl has so strongly worked to get to, that I looked to in understanding just as I do in times of great moments happening her heart goes through it as well.  So I thought hard of what to do to help ease her heart, I spoke to her that "her Daddy cannot be seen but he always sees what she does, that he is always with her and knows, that he is always with her keeping her safe and loving her, I told her that it is ok to feel the way she is feeling because more days are going to happen through every proud moment she goes through in life but close her eyes and know her Daddy sees and knows exactly what she is doing and is oh so proud of his little girl".

After that she smiled and that broke the silence of her thinking that it is ok, that she does not have to be afraid to make me sad that we can be sad together and do something together to ease our time of missing his presence here.  So that night she cut a heart out of paper all on her own, wrote "I love you Daddy" and we both lit a candle together and placed the heart under the candle, she looked to me and I could see in her eyes the pain yet again was behind us, that she had the sparkle in her eye of a bright life, that not anything is not doable, that in me she will always be able to find her Dads love an support to whatever it is she needed.

The next day after picking her up from school we both went to a store to pick up a balloon of her daddies favorite color, and words on it that said "I love you".  When we got home we took the heart she had made, tied it to the balloon when out in the bright beautiful sunshine and before letting it go she said "I love you Daddy", she smiled just as bright as the sun when she watched the balloon rise to the bluest sky and said "Daddy will get that".  I smiled so proud because in moments of hurt such bright rainbows shine through that lift that pain yet again through the hard steps of every day you face in grief of a loss hard to the life we grow in to together knowing the loss of the presence that once was.

In DEDICATION to this blog I would like to thank Bryan Chadwick, the man who showed me I can love again, that there are many rooms in your heart for love, they may be different but they are there, that people are put in your life for reason not coincidence, for his support, his love, his forever grace of always reminding us we can do it, his unconditional love of accepting not only my love but my daughter as well, for his undying belief in us that never strayed.  Also to my little girls BFF Sariah for helping her come out of her shell, and to the forever loving solid support in our lives that surround us every day we wake.  Change is how you perceive it, you can see it as something that will keep you stuck in the dark in fear of it, or you can walk strongly through it through the ups,  downs and knock downs, yet never losing sight in the blessings of all you want it to be and more.  Don't let go of you, change is always around because it is the way we grow and spread our wings and fly like we have always had in us.

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Scars Are Beauty Marks

There once was a woman who hid of all who she thought would alienate her, talk bad of her, that cared who did not like her, that hid what she thought was her dark side in fear of being taunted, looked to as weak, different, not worth the time, then a light glowed so bright as she looked to her dark side to see it was a purpose, it was a light to cast onto others in their times of need in hopes others to would start to see the light, to see their dark side their beauty mark to advocate that it is not to be ashamed of, it is not to forever put yourself in silence.  Your work blessed upon you is to cast that light to as many people and lift them out of their silence to see themselves worthy and whole.

Lets not walk so lightly around things that people would never want a single person to know, why be in the quiet when you can be in the light shedding off a light to others to see they to should let their scars of beauty glow onto all others around the world to see it is not so embarrassing, it is not so hard, that the tongues of harsh words of others is worth so much more to help people who need to see that hiding and keeping quiet is no way to live your life.  Are you ashamed to be you?   are you ashamed to smile?, laugh?, live life to your best?   Than why be ashamed of scars that are nothing but your own personal beauty marks to help others see that theirs to are exactly the same nothing but beauty marks that glow with the love of a love beyond this world. 

  What is your story?  everyone has one, everyone has that one thing they keep on hidden inside, they hide behind their smiles in front of others to keep that one thing locked up like it is something to be ashamed of, in the mean time that one person your smiling at carries to a hidden pain so ashamed to let out that it just becomes a vicious circle of everyone putting on happy faces to blind side the one thing they never feel anyone should ever know.  I never thought I'd come to a point in my life I actually felt as though i'd be embarrassed of anything about me, because when I look to myself I see love, I see flaws, but no matter what,  I see someone living a life to the strongest of honesty and fullest that can be. 

 I think of the darkest moments where I should of been out of my mind but shockingly I had to go to a place of laughter, because laughter is the best medicine for any pain, struggles, frustration, negativity that tries to pull us in.  Now that I think back of the moment it actually is a treasure of a memory I will always carry with me, no matter how dark of a funny moment it was.  Will you look at me differently if told you I suffer from anxiety?  that I am in treatment for anxiety?  will you look at me differently if I just come to realization that I may be fighting Post Traumatic Stress?  that something that came through three years late losing my husband, something that has always been there, yet I felt the need again to keep it in and fight the battle on my own, to again come to reality to understand it is NOT a weakness in my character, who I am or life that I live. 

 It's not about seeing it as a flaw, it is about getting what you deserve to make it through the scars of your life to become through it, not around it, it's about owing it to yourself to open your heart and take that embarrassment out to replace it with light to help anyone you can that see's and knows "well if she can do it, than so can I", to that person showing others they to as well, until it becomes contagious and no one hides in suffering no longer, to the point where to the people that think without knowing that it truly is a debilitating state, that because of your smug ideas and antics many have been lost over something that could of well just been an enlightenment of weight off of so many shoulders. 

 However it does not matter what others may say or feel, it is you and only you is all that matters, cast away the voices of others and build to the life you dream you want, just because you go through what you go through it does not ever cripple you to holding onto and making your life, your dreams,  your reality to be.  In thirty-seven years never ever have I had this happen to me, you never think it could happen to you, that when it does you feel your weaker than others, that it is a hush hush deep secret you want no one to know about.  Many have been lost carrying that with them but to the people that are going through it are the light to make it come to an end and light up your lights with love for others to know they are not different, it is not a weakness and is not meant to be a secret.  

I think for me I look to someone so close to me to realize it was how open she was with her illness an got help with not a care in the world, with out a care of what others would do or say, seeing her do it with such class an being proud knowing it did not ever lesson the person she was an what she was going to be.  As surprised so many were she stood tall and never once felt any less of who she was or the person she was, your you, having to suffer from anything does not make you a marked outcast person, it does not change nothing of the person you have always been.  A whole new world entered my life the day I lost a part of me, at first I fought to play myself off as nothing was wrong, hiding from what would be, what others would say, feel, than understanding I am changing, but this does not rip ever who I am to a lower level of anyone else.

Has it changed my life since?  not in the least, I smile in knowing that I am still me, that I continue my life no different surrounded with love an great support, taking the time to take care of what I need yet living life as it has never changed, embarrassed?  no, hiding from?  no, feeling free, breathing in the beauty of all that is around, taking charge to all I want to be?  YES.  Proud Mother of a beautiful little girl I ever could have ever seen.  Crippled in the dark?  no, shining bright casting the light to anyone that can see, to see its all about shining not hiding. 

I remember a moment in time where I truly believe is a place everyone needs to find, where you come to a point while fighting hiding your problem so much to keep your sanity, to find the funny in the darkness no matter how in disbelief you feel you can't believe your laughing at such a thing.  As I sat outside trying to fight the battle going on inside of me, feeling at the end of my sanity, I thought it is either time to break or find my funny in this and find my light because of the embarrassment of others knowing was not going to bring me down, so to my funny I went.   I remembered the time shortly after losing my husband hiding the deep dark secret I was to afraid to admit, going to open the fridge, Mother watching and with a blink of an eye I broke down.

 Crying harder than I ever could, then turning a complete 360 started to laugh like I had just heard the funniest joke I ever heard, then seeing the expression on my mothers face of whether she should be horrified or laugh, looking at her just made me laugh more.  That was when I truly understood that sometimes the pain is so bad that you have to laugh, because as we all know "laughter is the best medicine", I still do not understand why that moment had happened but realize today just how vile it can be if you do not let out what you are so afraid to ask for "help".  That was the beginning of freeing what I so strongly was keeping a secret to myself and everyone else I thought would judge me for the problem that lingered for far too long in me.

Don't look to any problem you may have that becomes so hurtful to you that you need to ask for help as it is a weakness, or the opinions of others may be, do you, be proud, your still you it's just an obstacle to go through to find all your silver linings and blessings because in that ask "I need help" is the dance of dancing out beyond your fears and out beyond your fears is your rainbows of blessings an answers in shock of how something so painful becomes your bright light and empowerment to the world.  

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Needing Help is Brave an Strong

When your fighting your biggest of battles in life you feel you go to another side where you see no one, hear no one, and no one sees you or hears you.

There is a nothing but complete and utter black once you have lost who you are, once you no longer can see the light in and out of you, sometimes it takes so long to tell yourself over and over again that tomorrow is another day, that this way I am feeling is not permanent, that if I cannot make it on my own I need to stand strong for myself and get and admit I need help.  So many around by appearance you would never tell are suffering inside so badly that the world seems it has turned to total darkness, as if walking blind through your days and nights.  

This is also why so many feel the need to keep it in, try to put on a smile, showing others they are ok, due to wanting to get through on their own.  When you look to another as you pass them by do you see what they are on the inside?, can you see the pain?, saying hello with a smile just might save someone's life.  This I learned not so long ago.

That is just it so many in pain are passed by so quickly, to think that in their time they will be better, that they can do it, that the pain and suffering will make them stronger, help them grow, I see it as that, however when a person is so far gone under water touching rock bottom that light to knowing you can make it is not there, your mind is in complete dark that no thoughts reach you.  

Many believe that Depression/Anxiety/Panic Attacks/, are all something a person can on their own over come, that it is looked at as a weakness by some, the one suffering feels so consumed of embarrassing thoughts of what others believe that they continue to try to fight on their own not wanting to admit what they battle in fear of what society has made so many believe.

I see this because being at rock bottom I have seen the judgement of so many, telling you "you can do this, this is all in your head, you are strong", however how true it may be there are situations that are truly like a disease and like a disease it needs to be treated.  No one can understand it fully if they themselves have not felt it, lived it, been through it.  Being truly clinically depressed like any other disease it is a disease itself, not something to over look, judge or criticize.  It is because of so many nay Sayers people suffering stay in the dark, turn their back on life and take their life in their own hands.

If it is a rising problem today then it is not something to be looked to as a person's problem to deal with on their own, or to be over looked and back turned on.  Yes some can build back up to their light, to the light, yes you can tell yourself positive things, believe in positive things to lighten the pain, to make it back to the light of who you are. 

There will be falling down, going in circles, but feeling you need to reach out for help is not to ever feel you are weak, nor embarrassed.  I am glad to see so many addressing depression, yet still their is so much as we as a person and world need to do to strengthen the matter of depression and to shine a light to those who are in the dark to know they are loved, they are not weak, they are not trapped, they are not less than a person, their life is meaningful, that they are not different by what they are suffering.

I remember the day I needed to admit to myself I cannot do it on my own no more, I know I am not the me I use to be, it was so hard to admit that it took a year to finally feel strong enough to reach out and understand it was ok to ask for help and get help that I needed, that asking for help was the bravest, strongest thing you could ever do in life, not the weakest, embarrassing thing others may have seen it to be, it does not matter what others see all that matters is what your own eyes and heart see and know.  

That's the problem so many look for others consent and how they feel that they get caught up in knowing others do not make who they are as a person, it is you that makes you and what others see, say is none of your business.  Others do not define who you are, it is you and you alone through your eyes is all that matters, it is your life and how you see it and do it is all you will ever need to know.  I am truly saddened today to see such a precious gem in this world that made so many laugh, that shined so bright, that was very well known no longer here, to look at the laughter and smiles of this man like all we pass by you can never know truly what battle is happening to so many on the inside.  

When you have tried and tried to find you again but seem to not be able to get your smile back, to get out of darkness and feel in your heart something is not right, then it is your time to know that you are strong and you are brave to take the step forward to the light and say loud "I need help" and say it proud, no one is perfect, life is not perfect, we are not what others feel or say who we are, we are human and all have obstacles to deal with whether from easy to the hardest, this is our life and lets be the best person we can be no matter what lays in our way, there is always a way out of dark just say the words and reach for the light of another hand to pull you up in your most trying time of need.  Your dream of who you want to be, to become, to do, is not ever dulled by the pain and suffering you can not shake on your own.

Depression and Suicide

Depression is involved in more than two-thirds of the 30,000 suicides that occur in the United States every year. For every two homicides, there are three suicides. "Elderly men may feel especially hopeless when their bodies break down with illness because it can destroy their sense of masculinity," says Lieberman. That may be why the highest suicide rate among Americans is in white men who are 85 or older, many of whom may have a depressive illness.

So what do all these depression statistics tell us about Americans with depression? Perhaps the key take-away is that depression is a powerful condition affecting many. If you have symptoms of depression, you are not alone and help is available. The earlier you start treatment, the more likely you are to get a handle on the condition. The best defense against depression may very well be knowledge and awareness.

http://www.everydayhealth.com/health-report/major-depression/depression-statistics.aspx

Be the light for everyone you know, see, walk past, just let them know they are seen and they matter, for being put here and living another day is the answer to all you need to know, you matter, you are special, you have a gift and purpose to be here today, what ever it may be means nothing of what others may see or feel about you and your purpose, you are the one to live your life and become who you truly believe to be.  In hopes that all hearts in pain and suffering find the light and no longer suffer and feel alone no more, all life is precious and should be treated as a precious gift shinning bright no matter how you may feel on the inside.  I want everyone to know the gem that they are and use that to reach out to anyone that they can.

I pray for the peace of mind of everyone who feel they cannot ask for help to be blessed with love to know they CAN ask for help and feel proud and strong that they do.  Mask the negativity of those that may fear others to get help and turn their hearts into light and shut off the negativity of others they give off.

P.S I today suffer from anxiety but know that it does not define me and my purpose and dreams in life, that the day I reached for a hand was the day I shined even brighter for myself and for others to see that they to can do the same with out feeling any less than what they are, or as though their life is any less important by others who do not suffer with what you do.  That you are strong, that you have gotten back up, that all your dreams, purpose and love never dulls or is defined by what so many look to as a weakness in character, you are not what others believe you are, and most definitely not your business what others say or do about you.  That one quote is a quote I always tell myself "what others say or do about you is none of your business ~Deepak Chopra ~

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Powerless? or Power? To Change and be the whole you

Have you ever walked through the toughest of situations of grief knowing walking through it is the only way to take each step back to gaining your new life back in every step you walk through every hard and painful feelings, emotions, tears and situation, knowing through it is the only way to get yourself back on the ground and not upside down.  

Here is the funny thing just as you thought you are making the steps of walking through the storm and feeling oh so grateful you are making it through,  that one day you start to feel the changes of more coming up to the surface, you look around, you stand still in shock eyes full of tears in knowing just how long you have been walking and all you have accomplished in total utter shock to your world to see that it is not over, that it feels once again it could just consume all of you once again like it did in the beginning.  

You feel defeated, you feel discouraged, as though once again there is no way out again.  I've walked three years head held high, smiling to the greatest of my accomplishments wanting to see the end of my walking through the grief, smiling in all the beauty I have discovered through my hardest of pain, looking for that ending line of victory, shinning bright in the accomplishments, strength and wisdom I have gained to one day stunned and stopped right in my tracks as I looked to the more change that has come my way. 

I cried, I fought it, I felt to give up, yet as soon as I took time to catch my breath, I looked back to see all the changes I already had been through, yet this time it was as though I was so tired, so afraid, so full of defeat, I just could not believe that after all this time there was still more that had reached its way to the surface, something I knew was there but through it would go and be fixed on its own, I guess it was my own way of ignoring and thinking it go away on its own, afraid to scratch the surface of it more.  

That is just it change is something so in our face that soon enough it feels like nothing to just walk through it, this time it was debilitating to me, after all I walked,  here I was again face to face with more change to walk through or around it the easy way.  You see I know it forever feels we are walking through grief yet that is just it there will always be things that come up to our surface looking us in the eyes waiting to be dealt with, keep our eyes on the all the change we been through already and accomplished will make us know deep in our heart it is only right to do the right thing and charge on no matter what through that change that forever haunts us in the back of our mind.  

Grief will always present a change, a challenge, we have to gain our strength no matter how much we feel we want to just stop and give up, we have to be the one to challenge the change and make the change to find more of our beauty in this life, if you take that change you see out of the old bad habits that leave with the change and choice you made to take it on.  

You know for the best of your health and the greatest of your life to live the strongest, beautiful of new life you spent so long building to that change will always rear its dreary head, that not unlike any other changes you know in your whole being that changes has become nothing but a best friend to you, with out a flinch of an eye you conquered the worse of it.   

However after a long period of time of feeling you had a grip on your new life it can be a shock to your world to see the more of it facing you, shocking your whole self, trying to understand where exactly did it come from?, how it resurfaced?, why you have to keep facing it?, all that are answers that need to be cast aside and take a deep breath and jump in and conquer again just as you have time and time again.  

Change knocked on my door and I won't lie, I fell down inside, I fell down physically, I screamed in my mind "why do I have to keep fighting change", I felt the grips I had so tightly on my life loosen and want to let go.  That is when you have to breathe in life, find your peace, think logically and not in fear, embrace the beauty of all you set free in change that constantly challenged you so many times before to see the beauty again that will come through it yet again.

  Change in every way and every time shakes out all the bad you tried to find to appear the blessings you wanted to see for so long but never could have by ignoring that it was there, showing change that you can shakes out the old bad habits to find just exactly the beautiful you wanted to see all along. just never could because you never felt you could take on anymore change again after all you been through.  

I see the peace, I stumble still through it, but I see the amazing grace of all you ever wanted through it as I make that change powerless and not in control of me.  There will always be issues in our lives that rear its ugly head that you know needs to be fought, so don't be discouraged and take it on to know through it your building the greater you, the greater of a life you deserve.  

I smiled after my hardest of challenges in this change to see that by walking through it you get the way you always dreamed it to be.  Post traumatic stress, anxiety, working on a new schedule in life, letting go of the past that had its chains around me for so long in every step of change I make by seeing it and doing what I have to do is the chains untangling one by one that once wrapped so tight around me through every powerful decision I make to be the change I need to be, to make the decision it is you in control, it is you that walks the strong steps towards it, through it and no longer scared around it.  

No more late nights because I brought my painful past with me in my future, shaking off the old of what I knew needed to be let go long ago, all of what you feel is something to be ashamed of is all scars of beauty to shine to prove to others YOU CAN make it, you have to be the one to know you can walk through it, battle it and make the change of the beauty that falls out of it all every battle you battle.  Breath taking time to see the old dark that falls through every change you battle to see a light of a dream you always wished and dreamed you would see in it, you see the life you wanted it to be in vivid, joyful, tearful eyes.  

Don't let your guard down, change and issues in what you go through day by day will surface, take the time you need,  acknowledge it, don't be scared and ignore and breathe through it all an know you are the one in charge of how you want your life to be, not change, fear, being afraid, that is just a mirage challenging you to not see the real future behind it.  

I guess this could be for anyone that knows why they keep going around and around in circles that has to re evaluate and come to terms with the walking strong through the change they need to change in them, not to just those that grieve, it is just a little more heart wrenching in grief because you feel you are forever fighting the new that comes along in life that you thought you already have had enough of, that to your shockingly realization that there is more and that you knew was there all along but falling each time in knowing the hard work is not over yet.  

No words can ever describe the feeling once you take the stand and take on the demons of the past that have been hidden for far too long to see them fade into beauty marks.  Right now I know it is not about time, or counting the years,  it is about living life truly, taking on each change bravely to remind yourself every time it is a life you dreamed of how you wanted it to be for so long, to see through it is becoming your reality.  If something in you feels broke, it is not broken you just have to take the challenge to bring it back to life and take responsibility for your own bad habits that feared you long enough.  

The harsh reality of being whole can slap you hard in knowing there will always be obstacles, hurdles and fears to be faced to be the whole you dreamed to be, the dream of a life you want for your child and yourself.  It will never be your reality if you let the change fester around you forever, it does not happen on it's own, we all have the challenge of change in our lives to take on to be where we want to be.  Death is just a reminder that forever be aware of the after lash that may surface no matter how many times you faced change to step forward to the new life you built so strong.  The little cracks in the foundation you built is your repair and only a repair you can fix on your own.

Ashamed?, never let the negative emotions build your fire, build the fire in you with love, to know you will see more clearly, the negative of emotions only fog your sight and love leading you to keep making the put off of what you know needs to be challenged now and defeated.  Why be ashamed of things you have to change for the better when in reality it is everyone's challenge, that not one person is perfect in this life.

Do not be discouraged of the slip ups in change, you learn from the fall and get back up stronger, brighter and more full of wisdom, don't let that make you feel you can't do it, that it is more powerful than what you have in you, those feelings are your own darkness lurking over you to make you feel inferior to the greatest achievements that you can do, to see your clear skies once again.  Time, years, it is all not of importance to the now, what matters is you focus on the pieces that don't fit anymore and rid of it no matter how hard the struggle is, because with all the belief in you it will be defeated.

Always know and carry your vision of heart with you in battle to changes to visualize it and battle the battles to make that your reality, keep your heart open in the signs of all the changes that come your way to know to not let it fester but to take it on as soon as you feel it.  It truly is the greatest, highest of feeling of walking in the clouds as you look back on the things you thought you would never do.  To look back on the battle that forever was put off in your own fears, to realize just as before change is your best friend, fear is just an illusion.

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The backwards The New Forward

The whole time you were living it was living but what we did not know is that we were in a cocoon preparing to become a butterfly waiting for the biggest change in our lives to happen that we thought would never of been.  To our eyes life was as suppose to be, unconditional of love, happy, content, yet in front of us we could of never believe that beyond all that was more to be had, more to step forward to, a life altering change for even greater of things we imagined.   

Although at first that shedding of the cocoon could take a process of the greatest to shed, we still never had no choice to face the new of what we would become, once the wings are noticed there will be never any regrets in mind to be back in the cocoon we shed.  Until your whole being is ready to come through it, there is no way for you to see it, feel it, live it.  Sometimes I say to myself "I am going backwards, when I should be going forward", yet dancing back in the past has never been greater than I could of ever thought, going back to the fears of what was before to relive that fear and DO IT.   

So for me going back to the past is a conquering experience in a smile knowing of all the old that once was a fear is actually a goal to the new I am today conquering those fears of the old me that once was.  Just don't trip up and stay there too long, do your dance, face those fears and charge right back to the who you are of now. 

So when I say "I am going backwards", it is not of negative words I speak it is accomplishing the biggest obstacles that once kept me down in fear.  Once you been through the toughest of life's challenges the challenges of once before become so small yet to go back to show it you are not scared anymore is a dance in the outer limits of all fears that never are a fear again.  

To face the new fears that dance around you is nothing but a piece of cake compared to biggest of fear your whole life has faced, losing your love, your life, having to keep moving forward, finding your way through it all, accepting you are no longer who you once were but only accepting the new greater you in every way you turn.  

Change is not so much a scary place to be, change becomes a whole new experience to our hearts, change becomes natural, change makes fears disappear and seem so small.  Piece by piece fears are broken life is opened up, things once thought of as impossible are never impossible, they take on possible, always possible.  It creates a belief in you stronger than the chains of pain that once happened in the beginning of the break of the old you.  

Your safety of it all is your heart, the place where your love of the greatest resides, the ability to hold tight to it and walk on to all the new you create now.  It is not forgetting, it is not loving any less, it's making it in your world you live today, your new world, your new life, it's a special place where life becomes truly open, when all of you truly becomes all open, to see that you are what you create in the new.  

It's not what others say who you are, or who you can't be, those are just words that silently linger past you as you do the things you never thought you could or would.  Dancing in the past to the fears that once were but no longer exist.  You find a way to live life knowing just how short it can be, the real you that has been there all along comes forward and nothing is ever impossible to your mind, body, soul.  I actually smile when I do things I have always wanted but happy in knowing through me is the proud of my husband passed living it with me,  through me.  

It's no longer don't, I can't, I won't, it is I can, I will, I am going to.  Don't stand in front of me to tell me I can't because your words are nothing but of an echo, reflecting back to you on all of your own I can'ts.  The darkness has become a friend no longer fear, nothing is ever as scary as what your heart has been through, besides darkness never stays around after knowing none of it sheds darkness on you through the light of your inner self. 

Once losing the life you thought be forever, you start to look back to see how much hurt, pain, tears you endeared that all that in its way has made you the fearless person you are and become in the now.  No one can make that break, no one can make that disappear, no one can ever make you feel that again, so fears become a hobby, they become something no longer looked to as fear just something to accomplish and move through to the next.

  Failures, disappointments, rejections, falling down are nothing but ways to find your way through to what you want, falling down is the greatest of time to enjoy the view above you, yet getting back up full of more than what you had before you fell.  Crying, is no more a frightening feeling it will never stop, only knowing through the tears they fall down to the steps as you step higher.  

Negativity sets in but soon it knows that hold of chains no longer has a hold around you, taking a turn away from all that is around you.  Once you realize that nothing is ever forever, in the flesh, you know that very limited time you have to make the new of what you are the greatest you can ever have.  Love, love however, that stays beyond the flesh of who was beside you in the flesh now only tied to you through the invisible, that not seen always felt, always guiding, the energy of that love resides in every thing you touch, you breathe, you touch.

  

Hurt becomes lightly felt in the knowing of the hurt you took on for so long, it becomes as though a way of yes you hurt but you know in all of you the bounce back becomes quicker, that what you endured was much more than any hurt that could ever happen to you again.  Hurt takes a step back beyond the strongest of love you have in you to see it as a little, minor of moment not a permanent place.

We learn to always take those pieces and put them back together, leaving behind the pieces that do not fit anymore, to look above us to know that even hurt is a friend to our life, it is that hurt that perhaps is keeping us safe to a path we need not go down, keeping us safe from where we need not to be, shielding us from perhaps something our life has no room for.  Life is here, new you perhaps, yet in the new you find your wings, you find the truest of ways to see the beauty of it all.

Your heart space has many rooms to carry many with you as you build your new, as you take on the everything that comes your way.  The temple of your heart is for you to decide where who resides, you choose the rooms and carry it with you through all you do.  Going backwards sometimes could be your new forward and greatest of memories of conquering all that once was such a big fear, to see now fears are nothing but a hobby to walk through and greatest glisten of light ever after in you.

Love resides, love pushes you, love guides you, change challenges you, change proves to you that not anything could be harder than what you have already been through.  Love is a force field, your safe haven, your guidance, your leader, intuition is your gift.

~ Don't fret the little things when you have bigger, beautiful things in front of you waiting for you to see ~

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