Be the Warrior

So in hard times is to find the good in you, around you everywhere because in hard times dealt to you one after another where it seems endless it is important to not let that suffocate you from the positive, love and shine in you, to seek the good no matter how hard, to find that silver lining no matter how hard is a must to your sanity to your soul, to your everything.  I have never been dealt with so many heart wrenching things as I have this past week, seriously it’s almost breaking, can you come to a point where you do actually break from so much happening all at once?  I am afraid to understand just why these hard times have come on so fast and never ending that it literally takes the breath out of me, then that’s when your whole being starts to take a turn for the worse if you allow it, for me I take the knock downs to rest, to gather all of me back again and think for the positive, to understand that there is so much pain out there that my own is not the only going on.  You have to understand that the toughest of warriors in this life are those dealt with so much yet still stand looking in it all for the lessons to their hearts are.  For me no matter how negative I want to fall and let myself think, in me is the warrior to understand that there is not anything that has come way to knock me down for good because through it all I found my silver linings and lessons In it all to grow.

For all feeling they are going to lose your mind, know that its ok yet find time to gather yourself and look for that little silver lining because this is life and although it may seem that you are the one that seems to be getting hit with all the bad in this world it is because you’re a warrior and the amazing God wants to grace your hearts with deepest of lessons to the life your building forward in.  He does not want to see you suffocated in darkness, God knows and shall lift you, even though in that very moment you don’t feel there is anything to hold on to you will find it.  When finding crushing news to our hearts not knowing the outcome we cannot boggle our minds with what ifs, what is going to happen, we have to know in our hearts that no matter the outcome we are strong enough to do it and keep pushing through it, I’ve lost so many people of great love to me that when things of the same nature come up through others so close to me it’s so hard for me to turn that negative off, but in our all,  heart,  mind and soul we have to bring in the bright, to know deep in us to feel of the positive is to feel the love of God helping us in our moments of true hurt, scared, unknown, it is through all that we have to bring forth our faith, trust, love in God that this whatever it may be will be another lesson to your soul. 

It’s so very hard to get yourself back up but backed by the belief in God you shall stand once again yet for the millionth time through your life.  It’s been way too long I allowed fear to control my thoughts that I took my turn into God to understand that I trade that fear in for faith, for his love, to know deep in us all is a warrior for all things that lay ahead, for us to gather others to find their warrior in them as well, to not be scared, fearful, negative because in that all you give up you, you give up your love blessed to you by God, so standing in the light through the hardest of times is possible you just have to find deep in you to stand strong, to take the waves of the tides that come on strong but leave silently as fast as they came in.  To worry of something you have no answers to is to burden yourself with things that are out of your control, to understand it is bringing you down to worry of things you have no answers to, that when the time comes you will rise above to face whatever it is you are dealt with.  Just because your heart has dealt so much pain does not mean it will be the same of every time you go through toughest of moments with others close to your heart.  It’s funny because through the hardest of times it is actually being able to help others to make me realise that there is nothing greater for your soul than to give.

Two very special people in my life are faced with unknown results yet through it I choose to stand in the light to free the thoughts of negativity, to not only allow myself free of stress for no reason but to bring in positive to the person close to me to their life, to wait and not fall into darkness to understand to send out positivity to the universe will be given back to your heart.  No matter how many times I was faced with the horror of bad news it is now I stand strong full of my all of positivity to let the universe know it is what I need back, that the love of God will grant us whatever it is we need to make it through the moments that lay ahead but for now we stay in the present moments to smile, laugh and just love.  It’s also so hard to my heart to let it care for another, it is hard to let go in the knowing of what I lost before, yet I know in my heart that has a mind of its own and to shut out caring for someone is to not to be living at all.  We are first and always LOVE, backed by the greatest love of all God.  If not for his love we would not be able to stand tall through the things we have endured, gracefully through the joyous of times that to would of never of been if not turning to God instead of turning to dark.

The one special person to me unknown of outcome doesn’t really know just how much I care, yet my heart hasn’t really allowed that out in fear of the outcome, so I lean into God, I lean into my love and will find the way to let go and jump in no matter what the outcome may be.  No denying the heart is resistant once lost the greatest love of all, yet even the heart can be brave enough to let go and do it again, knowing that love is love and we are love, to not love is to say you do not breathe. 

When dealt with so much of painful of times it is so hard for the heart to keep on keeping on yet through it you find the ways to look back and see just how far you got.  It’s so hard to bare the news of bad news but in that bad news you have to not succumb to the evil of negativity and start thinking of the outcome, understanding these people are not the people you have lost their destiny is not of the same of those you lost, just understand the warrior in you is yet again ready for another battle of blessings, silver linings and so much of the deepest love.  You as a person have been dealt with more growth, looking around to understand to pull in others to teach upon them to of what it was you have learned so they too will build to the warrior they need to be.  I don’t want to lose no more people so close to my heart but I have to let go of that to understand to be here making the memories of the greatest to our lives.  To understand God knows when he needs to hold my hand, to carry me through the walks he knows I can’t, just for only a little while until the strength gets stronger in me again through him onto me.  I’m thinking right now how my heart has chosen on its own to care for another, which not even acknowledging me my heart made the choice, so here I am unsure of it all but understand what ever it will be it will be.  If maybe it is just one sided that is the lesson I will learn in it, if not than I need to jump all in not ever thinking once what the future holds because it is in the now we are living and to keep your heart locked up is to not live at all.  Was hard to stand over someone I cared for that really didn’t know the feelings I held in me to see them so lifeless, yet as I stood there I knew that whatever shall be will be that to worry of other than the present is a waste to ourselves and that person you care so much for.

As for the other person that waits for their results is a person of great significance to my life and is so hard for me to keep standing in the light knowing of just how many I have lost in my life but for our hearts sake I smile to the positive and know whatever we face we will face that when the moment is when it arrives,  for now we will love and make the greatest of memories as we go along.  It’s hard for me to understand or put into perspective to of as why so much has been taken from me but to know there are no answers to any of the questions to believe through each person I’ve found the greatest of lessons, that with God’s love I will always find my way, my strength, my warrior within.  I’m with heavy heart for quite some time but you have to lift that heart look up and smile in knowing his love is on your side that through the shadows of life he will always pull you out from it all to let you find the deepest of lessons to your heart.  To think why is this happening to me again?  To think why do I keep going through these hard moments in life?  To feeling sorry for yourself will not bring any answers to you but only lead you out of the light you stand in.

Yes not going to deny it my heart hurts, it hurts for so many reasons, for the reasons of this person I care so much for may be headed for something faced with once already but how do I just make the feelings I have go away, there’s no way to, I smile in knowing that in the now though in the now we have nothing but the best and beautiful to look for, if only I can find the words to let this person know without fear of finding out it may be one sided, if that is it then that shall be and no bringing myself down and still care for that person and what they go through.  Never thought my heart could care for another again but to my surprise out of nowhere it has and that alone makes me smile in knowing that Yes I most certainly care and want to be with another again.  Most consume all of their fears of what happened to them before they truly lock up their all to the life they need to live, they lock up their love to let in God to help them in their times of need.  Breathe and understand no matter how hard your heart can care for another again.

To bury the burden of your heart is to embrace, hug and love those that face the same of situations, to be there for those that hearts are heavy as well.  Finding it through your own hurt to love onto others is the gem of life to your very own life.  To know that what lays ahead is not to be of worry to being in the now, that it is out of your hands to have faith in God that it will be what it shall be, that when the time comes you won’t be alone to face that alone.  God does not give the hardest of times to be hurtful he gives those moments to own it all and walk strongly through it finding the lesson to your whole being.  It’s oh so hard to not lean into the bad thoughts of what could be but leaning in with positive is leaning into the universe letting it feel you’re positive to back you with positive that you give out.  Ask for what you shall want, and in the asking shall be heard.  It’s so hard for all of me to even see that positive yet in all of me I dig so deep to hold on to know in my heart that all I’ve been through will help me in the outcome of what is.

Tears of flowing come from time to time yet believing in those tears are tears that drop of hope, faith, love and Belief.  Even though you may fall off the wagon its ok to know that it happens that you are not the only one that life is full of falling down, it’s when you get back up is when you see the difference in you from before.  In that lying down you see things in the eyes of a different way to hear in the silence the lessons of love being called upon to you.  It has been so much of hard times for me that I just have to believe that no matter what I am here, I am loved, I am supported, I am a warrior, that to see it of only being dealt with so much bad is to see it through the wrong way of eyes, that it has nothing to do with bad, it is a life that you are learning, growing, building, that everything is a teaching onto you to teach onto others with the greatest of love and compassion you carry for baring the scars that you do.

The future is unknown but the now is here so live it, breathe it, love it, look to others that need your hand, see God is not very far from what it you are going through.  Taking chances to be vulnerable to another of feelings you carry is part of life to keep that bottled up is being behind bars to never fully take in your life to the fullest, to have things not turn out in your favor is not a turn down because of who you are it is a moment that is just not of to be right now, but perhaps it will lead back to the way it was supposed to be as you thought it should be.  I pray, I love, I seek others in pain, I gather it all to know in the now is all we have, so why not smile and look to the beauty all around, to take it all in to know love is greater than anything put in our way.  Yes as I sat alone to my surprise something happened in my heart to feel for another that never was expected but he faces a battle but in faith I only seek for the now and the future will be whatever it shall be, we have no control to make things be the way they are supposed to be, it shall all align to the divine life of what your meant to walk through.

I pray from deepest of my heart that both these people so close to me are filled with love, that the outcome of their future is strength we all will need when we get there, to know it all will turn out how it is supposed to be, for no matter what the outcome I will remain who I am to know if it turns out to be not of how I envisioned  that the belief in God’s love it will be something bigger than imagined and the strength to endure it with the warrior in me.  In a sigh of breath I find the strength to make it through the minutes of now to move to the future of answers that lay ahead.  With all my love I give up to the Lord to know all of what I can handle.

NOTE TO ALL:  To close off your heart to not care is to not be living at all, to believe you hold the answers to the future is to give up faith in God up above, it is to erase that there is even a God because he is the only one that knows of our future, so to think the control of the future is in your hands is to erase God’s love to your life and to elude you of all positive, love, blessings that come into your life.  To worry of things that are unknown is to weigh your own self down to a level where your strength disappears.  We know not of the future, we know not of what happens, or what lays ahead of us that we miss the precious in the now moments of important memories to be made.  To close your heart to care for someone is to be prisoner or puppet to a life not truly being lived, say out loud what it is you feel if it is not returned then that moment is not of the right timing, it is not you, not because of you it is just not the path you are to be on in this present moment, but to not forget that maybe later on that will be the timing of right.  Be the warrior you carry in you and live in the now to fight the moments in the now and onto others who face the same that may not be the warrior in their times of need, be the warrior to their life that they need in their time of weakness.    Don’t allow the negativity to be the driver in your life step on the breaks and take control of how you want to drive through your own life.

This is in dedication to all the warriors facing the greatest of battles even though you may not know me I stand strong with love and faith to battle the battle along side of you. 

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The Love of a Parent

 

 

Going through the grief of losing my husband has shattered my heart so many of times, but through it all each and every time I’ve put those pieces back together, some would think that is impossible but to me nothing is ever impossible, with all the love that you hold in you to the love that surrounds, to the love of God all of that makes the impossible to possible, to finding the good in every little thing no matter how shattered you may feel, no matter how many times you feel you got knocked down.  Yet the greatest of hurt comes from our daughter when she comes to me to say “I miss having a daddy”, what do you say to a little girl who is just beginning life and sees only the world in the purest of eyes.   It’s not something you can turn your cheek to and ignore; it is her heart telling yours she feels as you do on your bad days of missing that life we once had.  There are really no right ways to address that situation, accept take a deep breath, feel the love of your loved one passed to stand up and represent what their heart would say if it were them in your shoes.

After having a tough week followed by an actual normal day this was the words brought to me on a day I actually felt like I was me again, to come to almost fall to my knees hearing what came from my little girls mouth.  I took the time to gain my strength and you see some may feel that where do you get the strength to answer that?   Well for me it comes from the heart and the love of the greatest love you have for your child, and in knowing her heart feels just as big as mine does, that it is not over for her either.  So in all of me I honestly wanted to pretend I did not hear but my heart knows that the pain of grief never goes undone if it does it just digs a bigger hole in you to build to a bigger and bigger problem later in your life.  So I took my deep breath and sat down and asked her “what was your favorite memory of being with daddy”?  she looked at me for a little and told me, “well it’s not just one thing I remember a lot of favorite things, but I really liked it when we went to the river together and had ice cream”, smiling I asked her what else is it she could remember, she said “well I remember us going to the beach and playing in the sand”, Feeling the tears I told her “well how about when you miss having a daddy you remember all your favorite things you did with him, that even though I’m not her daddy I still could do those things with her”,  I asked her to tell me more of what she could remember, she said “I liked everything we did, car rides, looking for horses, getting my Slurpee’s, playing hide and seek”, I looked at her and asked “do you miss having a daddy right now?  She said “no”, I said “see, when you miss your daddy think of all the times you spent together, and we will do all that together, that I was not daddy but the things they loved doing together could still be done”.  So that night we started a daddy list of all things she loved to do with her dad and started working on doing those things. 

She smiled big as we wrote each and everything down on the list, I looked at her to remind her that her dad will always love her, be with her in her heart and all around her, that where ever he is he knows what she is doing and never stops being her guardian angel, that every day he may be unseen he is there, she is part of him, that even though I am one person I represent both daddy and my love for her, so that through me she always has both our love, that just because I was not daddy didn’t mean she had to stop all the things she loved doing with her daddy.  Then I realised I’ve lost my dad and looked to her to say you are not the only person in this world to lose a daddy that “I lost my daddy to”, so together when we miss our daddies we can always talk about our things we loved doing with our daddies”, so than of course that led to her making me make a list of all the things I loved doing with my dad, which was oh so hard and so full of tears in knowing my relationship was far more different than her and her dads relationship, but that right there through the pureness of her asking to my surprise I found some moments that I did love doing with my dad, lesson to my heart from my eight year old little girl, that through your heart you will always find those favorite things no matter how hard the relationship was with that person you lost.  Through her I was able to see my little girl and pure love for my dad as she did that night for her dad.

 

 

After all of this we both looked to one another to actually smile, I hugged her so tight and she told me “your daddy to than can see you right?   He is your guardian angel to right?  He knows than you love him right now, than he knows that so than he knows you always have even though you didn’t see him a lot he knows right now that even than you loved him?  I told her, “I guess he does your right”.  Her brilliance of everything she sees and knowledge she carries astounds me every day.  She looked at me to ask “does that mean daddy can hear and know I love him?  I told her “daddy knows you love him even when you don’t say it”, that he always will feel her love every day.  She looked at me and smiled and we talked more and looked through pictures of her and her daddy, through the greatest of your love for another there is always the purest of emotion that puts to rest all those negative of feelings that come on so fast and so strong leaving them in the past of yet another moment conquered with acknowledgement and love.  It’s not easy to pick up those pieces but it’s easy when you look to the love of your child knowing in you is answers they are trying to find, that even if the answers are not there through your heart you will always find the way to address their hearts.  The one most important thing to me was to be there always for her no matter how hard or bad of a day I had, and every time I’ve god fully found the way to lift her up in her moments of need.

In the conversation I was reminded of the first year of losing my husband how I thought I could not believe the strength I endured devoting my all to making sure our little girls heart was being fully attended to leading me to put my own grief on hold that built bigger and bigger to a bigger issue later on but smiled in knowing that it was her first I wanted to make sure would be comforted that through that my own grief in little ways was also being addressed but still having to go through my own grief I knew after all that there was nothing I could not walk through, that through all that I had the strength to make it through my own.  These moments are far from over yet with love they will subside and be comforted, through that the pain will never be greater than all our love together.  That God is seeing what it is we go through that in it all we will never be without the love and strength we need to do the hard work of every situation that comes to our lives in grief we feel. 

Since then more has been added to that list, and one by one we do the things on that list.  She makes sure to read that list every day, to remind me that it is something special to her, checking it over and over she smiles in all the memories she remembers of her daddy and her, special moments they had together, special times we had all together, the biggest thing to my heart is through her I was able to find a list of my own no matter how distant of a relationship I had with my dad there were still good memories to be remembered.  So every time she smiles looking to her list, so do I knowing that there actually were moments I had as well.  The saying “God never gives you more than you can't handle” I do believe in now because through all of our struggles here we are still today smiling, laughing, making dreams come true, making it through hardest of moments but finding the blessing in it all.  That moving forward is the option we choose to know in faith we will always make it through our obstacles that come our way.  That in it your heart finds the way to let us know just what it is we need to do, that to feel the love and go from there to find the sparkle in our life, to find the sparkle never fades through the heart felt actions of love.

 

 

Our little girl lost her daddy way to soon, yet we have to understand that there are others in this world that are going through so much more than we know, that we have to find it in us to find things to be grateful for now, to find the memories to brighten our hearts, to remember that love never leads you a stray.  To understand that we are not the victims, we are the students learning in the big classroom of the world in life we live, that we could either choose to stand still or find ways to walk through the hurt to find all the little blessings that get us through that pain.  A child, your child is never one to ignore the feelings that come your way because at the time you don’t know what to say nor feel that you can't, if you take the time to breathe, find it in you what your heart is feeling than through that you will always find the ways to address whatever it is they seek to hear and learn from you.  The strength of your loved ones passed with the love of God will always whisper to your heart if you take your moment to gather your strength and let your heart be the lead to whatever it is you got to do.

Makes me smile that I always find the gems through the hardest of times, that no matter how hard the times may seem that gem is right there waiting for you to take in and learn.  The more of a struggle you go through the more of a greater lesson and blessing to be taught through it.  Don’t walk around, walk through, your child is also to be walked with hand in hand through it as well in their times they need it.  Find the ways no matter how small to comfort their loss, there will always be ways to let you know what it is to do, if only you let go of your own pain, to gather yourself and move forward, your love will take the lead and through it you will see another moment passed and behind you with a lesson of the greatest to you and your child.  I’m amazed to see that in rock bottom through love I built my way back up in a solid foundation that I still build up to this day, yet looking back I smile to see that in that solid was my building that allowed that structure to remain solid backed by the faith and love of God, my husband passed and now my own dad.

You can be broken a thousand times but every time you can put those pieces back together shaping you into a person you thought you would never be.  Sometimes it may lose some pieces in the building back together but in those missing pieces you gain more.  Our daughter will forever live with grief as I do but we both together will learn to leave that space in our lives to live with it, through it.  I know her daddy will never let us down, that my dad will forever keep teaching me the greatest of life lessons as he has been doing since he left this world.  Our little girl and I will find in us love, faith, happiness and joy always because we choose to, because through it all each and every time we lift our own selves a little higher each time, we live the happiest of life we can knowing where we are the love of our life is there to, that in it all God hears our cries to bless upon us of lessons to our hearts to build our foundation stronger and higher every time.

 

My husband passed left a piece of him here with me, through her we still hold that family love, that love will never leave us, we carry it through to the life we move through now.  I’m proud to know that my daughter is slowly starting to be the young lady I showed her how to be, that no matter what guided by heart you will never be led to the wrong.  I’m grateful for her love; it is her love that shows me to seek things through the eyes of a child which is to see of the purest.  So denying them In their time of needs is to deny your own self, what they hold in them is a piece of you as well, that denying of what they need to seek from you only grows into bigger, worse things in the end.  To walk through it together is to conquer and leave in the behind waiting for the next hurdle to jump over together.

Through it all through the hardest of times your heart will always be, through the heart is the gate open of love, in there will never lay darkness or negativity.  Every time my daughter smiles I smile in knowing she’s feeling love and knows that she is loved to the fullest, the proudest moments of all is to see that smile through another moment in grief left in the past behind us because we walked through it and made it through.   I know in my heart my husband passed touches our hearts every time we go through those dark moments.  That in her hurt she is graced upon by her daddies love.  Moving those negative thoughts to seek positive will always erase those moments of darkness in life that come on so very quickly, in time, love, patience and strength you find your rainbow, you feel the weight lift and you find your smile again.

NOTE TO ALL:   Do not take the short cut through hurt, walk gracefully head held high hand in hand with your child to know loves got your back, that no matter what or how long it takes you will make it through yet another dark moment graced by your loved ones passed alongside the love of God, there is always the strength in you to pick up the broken and gather your love to help your child through there hardest of times, as you do for your own.  Feel the love, back it with your loved ones passed love always and that darkness will forever disappear each and every time in any moment it creeps upon you.  The hurt you see in your child’s eyes can be debilitating to you but to remember the smile you make appear is what makes you kick that debilitation aside to reach deep in your heart to seek that smile again.  The love of god, the love of our loved ones passed there is nothing more powerful than that, the love of your child is the kind of love that never ever breaks, so walk that walk through the pain and wait for the smile to fill your heart with joy to moving forward to living your life bravely full of love and higher than before.   Our children become what they see in us so always choose love not silence.

 

 

And I know I'm strong enough to mend ~ Mariah Carey

 

 

 

 



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Strength of your Purpose

 

 

 

I want to truly go with my heart always and right now right here my heart is feeling so much that it’s going to be hard to get it all out without coming out all at once.  There was someone I met tonight that approached me that in that moment I felt I really couldn’t deal with it in the time as to the way I was feeling in my own grief, yet that was when my heart whispered to me that isn’t that what you would want if you were in pain and in need to talk with someone?, that isn’t that what your love is in this life is to be there for people who hurt no matter if inconvenient of times or not?  So I answered, feeling at first not having the strength to lift up someone in the moment as I was feeling grief of my own, yet like the flash of a light I was lifted, that moment was a surprise to my eyes and heart to see what really what it is we love doing that no matter how tired, how bad we feel, or how reluctant we are to move forward that love of what you do has the strength of moving mountains, pushing you past what you believe your boundaries are.

This person that spoke was full of all the emotions that I once felt so full of and some days still feel, I could feel the pain through the words being spoke to me and understood exactly where this person was in their painful time of grief, yet not only geared to grief I started to understand so many carry such huge guilt with them around that it amazes me that they are still able to stand.  This person was full of guilt of feeling of not being able to help enough, that he should have been around more to help his spouse.  This again broke me, I went back in time to the feeling I felt so many of times to know just exactly what guilt can do a human being if carried for far too long.  To assure him I told him that the guilt that lies deep within us is not that we were not around enough, or should have been more, it is guilt of the fact that we could not cure them, that we are still here and they are not.  That to feel that guilt is weighing your true life down, that in that guilt you are wasting your life, a life that his spouse does not want to see him wasting, that no matter how hard he had to be able to accept that he did all that he could that not being there enough had nothing to do with the guilt he felt, I told him to slowly as hard as it is to fill that guilt with good memories of their life together, that his spouse knew that he did all that he could and loved her very much, that she knew that, that him not taking off on her was all she needed to see that he truly loved her and stuck by her.

Through my heart experiences I speak to help people as much as I can, I speak to of things that helped me through what I did, through things I’ve seen others do.  Speaking from your heart will never leave you a stray.  In honor of his wife I told him it was to live his life to the very best he could, to every day try to do things she loved doing, I know from my experience the more I lived my life to the fullest, the more I honored my husband’s love of things he loved doing that guilt soon slowly and slowly dissipated.  Yet to see that it dissipates you have to pull from the pain to feel little by little it leaves your mind in the remembering of good memories and honoring of life.  There is not one day that goes by I do not do at least one thing that brought a smile to my husband’s face while here on earth.  The hard facts of life is in guilt that is a negative, your love that you shared carried no negative so why continue to carry it with you, it was nothing but love that you shared so why let the negative be anywhere near that love you shared and still share.  You see tonight was another lesson, that in taking the time to be with those in pain no matter how hard it is for you in those moments are new lessons that are given to you, tonight was that no matter how awful you feel the love for what you do and carry in you will always over power the feelings of thinking you cannot do it, that you do not have it in you to help in the moment that you are being called upon.

 

 

 

It’s in the actual helping in your time of hurt that makes that hurt go away knowing that you are truly helping another by what hardship you been through in your life.  It amazes me that the more I ask God to let me be in service to him that the more people come to me to want to talk and open their hearts to me, a reminder to my heart that to question what my purpose is no longer needs to be in question.  Then I realised that this was a man speaking to me, that not too many men are so open to letting their emotions be shared with someone.  In it all I also shared that no matter what, no matter how hard to never hold in what you feel, if you feel you cannot say it out loud write it out, even if it is writing you are still getting it out, keeping it in is a time bomb ticking to explode the biggest of explosion than if you would of just let it out when you felt it.  Talking this conversation I went back in time to feel everything I felt as he did tonight, yes it is painful but soon as you see you are helping that hurt turns into joy and fills your heart so much more.  Not too many people get this right away because the pain they feel keeps them from taking the actual steps to helping another but once done you heart opens and understands the feeling is a feeling like no other when you know deep in your soul you have helped someone out of their dark moment to brighten the dark for them to see that yes that darkness doesn’t stay there like they believed for so long.

Then there was the big question that actually had me thinking a little longer than usual, “What has kept you going”?  That was a question that in the beginning of my grief I would not of had no answer to because really I was not going anywhere in all the pain I was consumed in in my time back then I felt life on my own terms was in a standstill, than I understood that what it was that kept me going was belief, my blog, my heart opening to want to help people grief, our daughter, then realising I had to actually find what it was that kept me going, you have to see the dark get lighter and lighter to find the things even if little that keep you going, no matter how simple, how little you have to find it deep in you to find the things of importance to you and your heart that keep you making those steps through it all, you have to look around you to know that although you feel time is standing still that outside in reality it is not.  With all of your being you have to move, you have to reach so hard to find things to keep you going that it hurts every being of you to find it.  If you don’t break that pain you will never see the little progress you make each day you live through that pain.  That no matter how small, it is yours to be proud of and know that in that moment of being proud you smile, than that leads to knowing your smile is still there and never leaves, it was just being suffocated from the pain you were feeling.  Every little hurdle is something to recognize and be oh so proud of, because in that you find your heart beating, you find just for a second the pain does lift.

The biggest question of all is “will you ever love or date again”?  My answer to that is YES, in the time your heart is ready and when it is you will know like the start of a brand new day, yet you have to understand that no one will be who the person is that you lost, that in your own way you love them for who they are not for what you are trying to see in the person you lost, that love is different, it is placed in your heart forever that no one will ever be the same kind of love you felt towards that person.  To not look for it, not look for a replica of the person you lost, that person will come to you, in the time your heart knows you are ready, if before you will know, your heart will know, now is not the time.  This is a question of many opinions but from my heart I know that everyone gets second chances in life and love is what we are, it is life, love is who we are supposed to be.  Perhaps some may never love again, but that does not mean all will never love again.  Just to recognize in it you will never love the same as you did to the person you lost is all you need to understand, that in that persons own way you will love them for who they are.  Our loved ones we lost would not ever want us to hold a shrine to them in that way, to never love again if we get that chance; I know this because as a human being WE ARE LOVE.  That long before my husband even got sick he told me he would want me to be with someone else and be happy, if a person truly loves you that is all they want for you, TO BE HAPPY.  I ASSUME IN ALL THAT LOVED ONES YOU HAVE LOST THAT it was the real kind of love so to that than absolutely they want to see you happy.

 

 

Prayer, some may think not such a great help; that I say NOT TRUE, the power of prayer and God’s love will bring you to places you never thought you could be.  It may seem it is unanswered, or why am I the one that got my spouse taken away if there is a God?  It may even seem for a little while your faith has gone but in the making it through you will then understand just what it is that is carrying you through your days, giving you strength in places you thought you never had.  You as a person have to want to move forward, than once that decision is seen it’s backed by the blessings of love that God knows now that you want to make it through, that you want to live your life.  Cannot even express enough just how near and dear it is to my heart to help so many that I can, yet at the same time it breaks me to know someone else out there is feeling as I did as some days I still do.  It’s a bitter sweet feeling but mostly through it the sweet breaks that bitter.

Tonight was a lesson to the heart, again proving that in your pain to help others is to rid of your own pain and fill it with joy, in it is to fill it with love, love always conquers all.  I was reminded that no matter how long it has been if you think about it is as though it happened just yesterday, that to use the knowledge of what I went through to back it with love will lift others in their times of need.  It’s in the littlest of things that can break your darkness to getting it to a lighter and lighter place every time you find that littlest of thing to help you through your hard times.  For him tonight I say find your happiest of memory with your loved one passed, no matter how hard remember it, vision it as if it was that day, known in your heart that the love you shared was not any part of negative so let go of it to only leave room for that love.  Support and love of others around you is a huge thing in the beginning, they are the ones blessed upon you to help carry you through the days you feel you cannot walk.  It was a reminder of how blessed I was to have that and to this day still do.  If your love is for the true genuine intent to love and help Gods love will back you every time to give onto you the strength you need to help those that seek your help in the times you feel you can’t. 

When I see the words “talking to you has helped”, nothing can ever replace the feeling you feel in all of you knowing you have just lightened someone’s darkness, than to see the “thank you so much” I look up and say “thank you so much”, and feel more love than ever of my husband passed around me, if not for him my heart still be wandering for the love/purpose of my life.  If not for my father passed I would of never thanked God because of my dad is why here and now I embrace God to know his love is there waiting for you to embrace it. 

 

 

Losing someone of great significance to your life leaves you in the shadows of all the what could have been, it is not no joke to have your future taken away from you, than trying to find that new life you have to build on your own that you don’t feel you want to without the person you lost, for this reason alone is why I will never not answer anyone that comes to me to talk.  Grief is not something that goes away overnight, it is something that people sometimes need to know there are people out there that care, that will listen, that will take their hand and walk with them as long as they need you to.  Tonight was tough but through it that hard time lifted quickly in knowing love is love, love comes first and in loving you help and loving what you do gives you the strength in anything you need to in the times you need it. 

It doesn’t just stop after one it never stops, once you find the love of what you do, your purpose, you do not want to stop, you want to help so many that you can, you want to shout from the highest mountain what it is you love doing to make sure the whole world knows.  Lessons of your life are everywhere to be found but if you stay standing still you will never see or find them.  What a true blessing to the heart, soul, mind knowing that you have it in you to lift others when down, we have this in us all and the more that find out the better place we all will be in.  Sometimes it takes the hardest of lesson to see that but being thankful you have seen it is more of blessing to life that hard lesson to nothing but pure magical love.  In the helping you help your own self out as well, you start to understand just how far you have come through all the people you help and that is a blessing all on its own.

Yes I lost the love of my life, yet that love shall never leave me, nor shall the love I carry in my heart, yes I have a scar that cut deep but it’s a beauty mark to me, it’s my way to letting others that see it know I’m still here and made it through, so they too can do the same.  I miss my husband’s beautiful face but know he’s with me through all I go through, that his love is backed with our love to push me through the times I feel I can’t move.  Our special moments will never leave or be taken away; we share the empty space in between all around together, he’s just at a different platform than me.  Yes I could not cure him but that was not anything that I could of changed, he knew that I did the best of our love could do and he smiles in knowing just how deep our love lies.  Tears fall for him yes, because sometimes those tears are to cleanse our soul, I cry for my dad, I feel some days I lost the two most important men in my life yet know they are not lost they are with me everywhere I am.  Honor your loved ones life and love and do the things they loved while here on earth every chance you get and most of all let them see you smile, let them know that you know it’s not negative your love was felt it was happy and full of nothing but joy.

NOTE TO ALL:  To the purpose and love you have for what you do there will always be strength you thought you did not have, that strength is brought upon you through God seeing you are accepting your purpose and fulfilling your love for it.  Your pain is only as debilitating to you as you let it be, the help of others calls upon you to carry you through the moments of I can’t, I don’t, to I am, I will. 

 

 

My heart goes out to the person who felt so much pain, yet I know with love it shall be lifted.

 

 



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Bare your All

 

Remembering the young lady I was to who I have grown to be now is literally something of a miracle for me.  Coming from a girl who once believed she was of nothing, hollow inside, feeling of no love, feeling of no self-esteem, no confidence, walking life in a shadow hidden from who ever walked by her path.  It’s so painful of a life to live and actually believe that is all your life is of worth.  Putting on endless of make-up, doing hair for hours and hours, finding something perfect to wear but even in that entire still I was not understanding how it was, how it truly should be.   I seen a video today that truly broke my heart to see the worth that women truly thought was so low that it was how their life should be.  Women wandering the streets taking the danger of their life riding in cars with strangers not ever knowing what would be the outcome to make money for addictions, for living, striving in a world they feel to be is the only way for them.  Hooking has come to the level of awareness that it smacks you right in the face now of days, it is no longer a secret or something that you do not see, it is there and it is more and more every day that goes by. 

Speaking of how it was before for me to how I am today reminds me of just how many women go through their life with perceptions of their worth that is really not of the truth of who they are due to lacking love, confidence, low self-esteem, all things gathered to the scars of many things happening as you grow by those that make you believe who you are by the evil words said out of jealousy, anger, resentment whatever it may be, those perceptions told to you so often eventually makes you feel that all of what is said is true.  How is it we allow others to tell us what the value of our life is?  Where do we go wrong in listening to the evil of others that soon enough we are broken and become what we are told?  How long do we truly live that low standard life we are so believed to be true before we actually see ourselves with our very own eyes and love of ourselves?  Seriously women all around the world need to find their love let go of the evil tongues of others to see them true selves through the eyes of love for themselves, unchain the bonds of the perceptions of the teasers, jealous, anger of so many and stand up to your own self, your own love for self and truly see your standards are higher than the skies.

Rejection of a man, that isn’t you, that is the eye of the person before perhaps disillusioned in his own self-absorbed mind set, yet that lays deeply on your mind breaking down yourself worth of who you feel you are. It is once we start loving our own self, being true to the real us, knowing that the love inside is what is value so much more than what you see on the outside that we will really start to evolve in the woman we truly were meant to see and be.  Being comfortable in your own skin added with the love of our own self and others is truly when the glow of you on the outside shines with so much beauty and that is where you are truly seen to others of the same mental capacity.  Lowering yourself to the lowest of standards is a crime violated to all of your being, thinking your life is not of worth or can’t do any better are your own chains tied down to who you are truly, locked up to those chains will forever be if not for the eyes of love you see through.  We women have come so far in this life to let go of what magnificence that lies within is a waste to a life gifted to this world.  Looking around to see so many women living that life of blindness makes me want to just scream.  Where do you make the change?  How do you make the change?  Being the bright light for all and as many as you can to help they find their way until they truly see their worth and love in true vivid colors. 

 

 



It all starts with the thinking of one person wanting to change the world, yet once that light is shined so bright others see you, they see you to shine with you onto others to get the picture, to allow others to truly see life in the eyes of love, beautiful vivid colors.  By setting the example of what it is you are so strongly trying to beam to the world will soon be caught on and others will shine their light with yours so others soon enough will see that light and wake up.  Be the example you want others to be, that saying is the true meaning in life we live, be the teacher to what you have been taught, these days are the days we need leaders to step up to their heart and show so many that they too can fight the darkness and truly see who they are, truly open their hearts to finally see the pureness of their own self, their own self-worth, to understand their life is of importance for the simple fact that they are here and breathing.  Yes perhaps when you see yourself in a mirror you don’t see the model on TV or on the cover of vogue but understand loving you fully for who you are is the beautiful of realness that shines outwards allowing people to see the beauty of you from the heart.  Love for yourself and self-worth is truly where the model of you lies.  Knowing that what you see on TV is not beauty, it’s beauty purely on the outside like a painting that is beautiful but has no inside, its beauty is for pure eye candy, not for self-worth, love, or for what solely of what it is, the beauty is the painter that envisioned that painting eyes wide of the beauty they seen through them onto the strokes of a brush on a canvas. 

We in some ways are the painter to our own self-portraits, truly seeing the beauty from the inside bringing it out into the eyes of the self-worth and love you carry.  Too many woman are lowering themselves to beliefs of what they see on TV or magazines or even those that tell them who they are that it is crushing their hearts and all their love they hold on the inside that they start to do things in the perceptions of that low self-esteem, they see little of themselves so they feel life is not of importance and not good enough that soon consumed in a life of how they feel they act, they do.  If you feel bad you do bad, you see unworthiness of things that others achieve believing you could never be of worth to the dreams of what you see others doing, thinking to yourself that you’re so low that nothing is ever of worth to you or your life.  When your standards become low the way of your life becomes low, the dark cripples to you to the real thinking that once was, it cripples you into believing your life is not meant to shine, it is of not worth all of what you once dreamed of. 

This is a topic so familiar to me, if you feel bad of who you are you soon start to believe that you’re not worthy of good things, good people, true love, everything of good turns bad.  You start to believe that life is not worthy of love, that the love you had is suffocated by the low self-worth you create.  Where do you get in life being led by dark?  You lose on what your life really has to offer by following the dark, you start to do things that you feel who you are, you start to believe that you’re so unworthy that not one good thing is there for you, that all you do is walk around in circles aimlessly looking for attention to feel loved and pretty in all the wrong places. For Women that choose to prostitute?  I do not ever believe that is what a woman truly feels is what she should be doing; that the darkness they feel on the inside is making them feel that is all they are good for.  How about those that feel they are so invisible they take their own lives?  Really does all this need to be happening in this world?  NO, yet we so blindly turn our heads in pretending not to see it rather than help the situation, granted I know there may be some that really do not want to change due to it being the only way they know but it is not many I strongly believe. 

 

For people who want to see a change and help I do know feel the overwhelming burden of feeling you are only one, back that feeling with actually doing something becomes a chain reaction where others see what it is you do to learn to teach and help the next to the next to the next like a domino effect.  Yes you may be one but if you reach out and shine so bright that light soon enough teaches onto others to reach out to more people as well leaving it to soon more than just one helping.  Yet if you forever believe you are just one person that can’t change the world is also a false belief to the love that is backed by the grace of God that sees what it is you are trying to do, that through that love it is spread like mad weeds onto so many hearts of others taking the lead that once you thought could never be done.  Be the chosen one to start the lead and see there it multiplies.  Leadership is strongly needed in the times we live, led by the unconditional grace of God’s love through you onto others and see how miracles are born.  The one of you becomes 2 3 4 5 6 7 and endless countless of others leading their ways.  If we forever turn our heads and ignore the things of importance how will we ever teach what it is in our hearts we are made to teach, to share, to love. 

I use to be that young lady following the shadow, but through the unconditional love of God used through my husband passed onto me he taught me just what it was I was worth, he seen that shaded part in me to be a leader to teach me unconditional love to open my eyes to the love inside of me, that I was here for more than just walking in shadows, to see in me the leader of the purpose my life was graced with.  Here I am looking at myself with nothing on my face, hair undid, clothes not so classy but yet seeing me with all the love of the inside to see my outside of nothing more than blessed and beautiful gleaming a light so strong that others have no choice to see that light and catch on.  What you learn in life you teach onto others that are lost, you do not walk eyes wide shut to the things that scare you, and you walk with love and are a leader to those that need help to all the wisdom you carry by what you have been through.   You see we are not walking this earth solely for no reason, you have to find that reason, you have to painfully find that reason, debilitating lessons of the reason you are miraculously put here on earth to be and do.  Your life is of so much worth that if you truly start to see it you will cry the ugly cry in knowing just how blessed your specific purpose is.  Once recognition is seen, you are full force ahead climbing to the tallest steepest of every mountain in your way helping those climb the climb hand in hand with you, so they too can go onto others and climb the climb with them as well.

Oh Natural, bare, vulnerable, abundance, grateful, all are traits you see when you see yourself bare, without make-up, without hair done up, classy clothes, the bare you of nothing but the love you hold on the inside that dresses you in beauty on the outside.  Being of all those traits is taking in the blessings of life allowing the wondrous of life flow into your world, allowing you to understand to be in service to God in the highest, powerful of love working through you onto every person you can teach and help them to lead the path to what it is they are blessed with in helping others in this world.   The nature we see outside is not dressed in anything but beauty as we to shall be if we allow ourselves to grow with love.  To be love, to take in that love and know all of it is of worth, you are of worth.  The ugliness you feel is nothing more than the evil that lurks.  Truly am blessed to as of now learning to let God be in my life fully, to see that, to feel that, to see the miracle of that is as though seeing life through eyes of a baby, natural, pure, untainted.  Lessons learned lately in awe of just how much we are being taught lessons to our life if only we take the time to hear those lessons.

 

 

How were we all born?  Naked, pure, no clothes, natural and free, to see ourselves the day we were born is to see how we truly are meant to be, that’s not saying we should all walk around naked though haha, that’s to say the natural of us is just the outside of what people see but backed with the strongest of love that beauty in you shines, no matter what you wear, what you have on your face, it’s the natural beauty of love that captures the hearts of others.  Going deeper than what you see on the outer exterior is really where the trueness lies in us all.  “Don’t judge a book by its cover”, so true so full of trueness this is a lesson I often find myself learning.  Seeing past that rough, scary, unknown is a lesson I recently learned to get through to the inside to see nothing but love and people who truly want to change and be love was the greatest of lesson ever taught to me before.  I take that lesson now to know that approaching the rough, scary, unknown things you see on the outside is what will force you to see the love that it is on the inside.  I’m so in love with the lessons taught to me every day that the more and more I take in those lessons the stronger my wholeness becomes.  Stephen Dimmick your quotes coming to mind and making me laugh as I type this “If you aren’t a nice person, make-up won’t help”.

Be a leader, be a teacher show this world just exactly who they are and who they can be, show this world that dreams are not just something you do while you sleep, set examples and shine bright so others can see and learn and do from what your beaming.  Show those that feel so low in their life that the skies the limit to where they could be.  Free the chains of so many bonded to the perceptions of the darkness, let them know they can break those chains.  Be the authentic you; know that no make-up, nothing makes you who you are nor more appealing to where you need to go.  The real, natural, loving you full of the love and love of God is who you truly are and that you’re not afraid to bare the true essence of your outer beauty to the world without even flinching in what others may seem to think what you look like on the outside, rejection is not what you are it does not make you, they know nothing of what you hold on the inside.  Rejection to of things you do are not either the answer to your worthiness to what you deserve, it is only a meaning in both ways of rejection that there is something greater of significance to you out there in the world coming to your life soon.

To see yourself through others is not the way of truly who you are, deflect that image to see the real you in the reflection looking back at you.  STOP degrading yourself worth of the life you live by what you feel because of others, find your love, passion, purpose and feel it, let it glow out of you and feel it full force to act upon it.  My favorite saying of all and has helped me so much in life as I go through my roughest of times because sometimes that young lady I was wants to creep back in when rejection, no’s and negativity invades my space is “it is none of your business what others say or think of you” ~Deepak Chopra~.  Stop letting others and failure dictating your worth and who you are to understand the power of love and lessons in it all will always be open to every door you want to get through, the more love you feel and give the more doors you will open, the more of a leader you become paving your own path, showing others they can do it to.  To those that live so engrossed in darkness those are the ones that are blinded to the light you try to shine onto them and those are the ones that need your hand to be walked with until they can finally be their own person and turn on their own light, sometimes though sometimes we just have to understand darkness is darkness and does not ever want to seek light.

 

Don’t feel bad for the ones you can’t help and smile and look to the ones you have perhaps one day the ones you could not help will find a way to where they should be.  Bullies, prostitution, drugs, violence, wars, all negative in this world needs leaders to show what they know no different.  If you feel it is not possible think again because backed with the grace of God there is not anything that cannot be done if only you understand, feel and do it.  If a door to where you need to be is closed kick it open because there isn’t anything going to stop you to where you are destined to be.   Truly see who you are in the natural to understand what you see is how you feel on the inside, no make-up, hair do, fancy clothing will make you feel better about you if the inside is shattered and hollow. 

I cannot believe today that I feel so comfortable in my oh natural being that it makes me cry in understanding finally that it is not what is seen on the outside but what you have on the inside.  The young lady in me screams at me for baring all but I laugh in knowing she was a shell of who I truly was for way too long, I give thanks to my husband passed, the love of God, and the deep to the heart lessons of my father passed that help me see and grow to the wholeness of me every single day.  If only you all knew of me to know just how deep it is to do what I did today you probably would understand just how grateful and full of joy I am today to truly carry love for myself and love for others finally in this life I’m living.  Sometimes our small hurdles are the biggest ones to us, and in the small it only gets bigger and bigger from here on.

NOTE TO ALL:  You are not your failures, rejections, the bad mouthed of others, your worth is not of what others say you are, or the failures you go through, those failures and bad mouthed people are your lesson to the evolving door that brings in the bad and good into your life that you see fit you want in your life, it’s in that evolving door you get to kick out what it is you do not need, and keep the things of great significance to the life your building.  Failures, rejections, negativity, all of these things can be sculpted into a love of a lesson by you if you allow your heart to be.  Feeling and living a life of low self-worth is your creation and you strongly need to step up to your heart and understand that is not the life you deserve and build to the shinning of life you so greatly deserve.

 

 

 

Real life and upfront where you can see it in full view, is this a life of someone that truly wants to be doing what they do?  Be the one touched by the grace of God to touch the hearts of those that feel their unworthiness is what leads them to live in a way they feel is the only way.  Be a leader and teach what you have learned so others to can walk with eyes fully open to the life of love and worthiness of all good.

 

 

 



 

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