Things that once brought a smile to Jenna’s face while
shopping was no longer, her mother watched Jenna how she just glanced amongst
the things of her favorites but had no emotion to everything she looked
to. Her mother knew as always she had
been suspicious to that something was definitely not right as she knew all
along. She held up a sweater to Jenna
and asked “what do you think?” Jenna
shrugged her shoulders and could not wait to put an end to this shopping, in
all of her she just wanted to be home, comfortable, in her safe haven. Jenna’s mother wanted to just know so
desperately what was wrong with her daughter.
So her mother thought it be a good idea to grab a bite to eat, Jenna as
always just walked through the motions with no emotion or care, she followed
and did what she had to do to please her mom.
They grabbed a bite in a cute little relaxing restaurant, Jenna’s mom
was looking at Jenna with thoughts of serious problems her daughter was
struggling with going through her mind, yet she knew the answers would not be
because Jenna always brushed it off and got quite agitated.
Jenna barely touched her food, her mother asked for the
cheque to leave because she knew her daughter had no intention of wanting to be
where she was. Her mother smiled and
said “Christmas is on its way, won’t be too long now”. Jenna looked again faceless with no
expression and her mother felt her stomach cringe because she knew just how
much Christmas meant to Jenna. As they
left to go back to Jenna`s her mother could not stop feeling that horrible
feeling in her stomach, she knew her daughter was struggling and felt
helpless.
Jenna had bought no clothes, no nothing, she barely ate her
food, and it was as though she was there but it was not the person her mother
knew. Her mother glanced at Jenna with
tears tearing in her eyes but holding them back she said ``I love you, go relax
and will see you soon, call me if you feel up to it or need anything``. ``ok mom``, Jenna responded kissing her on
the cheek and leaving the car to enter her home. Jenna as usual wandered her home not knowing
what to do she felt she wanted to scream, she wanted to cry and never stop but
in her heart she could not admit to what it was that turned her life upside
down. Each day in disbelief she expected
to see that face at her door she longed for, not knowing how to face her heart
she went on denying and believing nothing happened, that she would see that
face again, that in her own mind nothing happened.
In panic she scrambled to see the time, she went into
complete panic mode knowing she did not do her routine thing today, she whipped
around her house franticly and raced out her door barely locking the door, she
needed to go to the cemetery she visited every day and realised how could she ever
of forgotten to be there, she blamed her mother and the useless shopping
trip. As always Jenna had come to the
headstone she glanced at every day, sometimes multiple times, looking she felt
nothing, no emotion as always just starring and memorizing all of the head
stone in her mind. Than she noticed
something, she felt tears running down her face, she felt in all of her an
emotion, she stepped back quickly whipped her face and ran she didn’t know
where she was running to she just ran, in her mind she felt running would be in
actuality running away from what she needed to feel but knew deep down she
could not do this forever or she would end up somewhere she would not like, she
had already felt like she was at rock bottom.
She thought to herself “I can’t do this, I can’t go through
this alone but I don’t want to admit it, I don’t want to let go of the belief I
will see that face again, that it wasn’t what she felt in her heart, she
couldn’t understand why she could just not let go and understand what had happened.
She fell to her knees grasping her chest near her heart, as
she was doing this not realising she was out in the middle of nowhere for
anyone to see she realised a man approaching her quickly, she stood to her feet
quickly. The man approached her to look
at her and ask “are you ok; is something wrong, do you need help”? Jenna looked
to the man recognizing him from the little coffee shop she went to every day,
he then realised as well, “hey I know you I see you every morning at the coffee
shop that sells the best coffee, he laughed”.
Jenna didn’t think it was so funny and was quite startled he found her
the way she was she said “I am ok no worries” and hurried to walk back towards
her home, turning quickly from the man as the man stood there in disbelief to
what had just happened, feeling quite baffled and not too sure what to think he
went on his way as well. Jenna wanted to
lock herself up from the world after that incident, “why can’t I just live in
my own world with no one around”, she screamed in her mind as she walked and
walked not realising just how far she ran.
Still in heart she denied that her life had changed and she
no longer see that sweet face anymore, she was happy to see her friends and
mother did not abandoned her no matter how bad she wished some days for it she
smiled in that only, knowing she was so loved.
Then she thought of the man from the coffee shop and her stomach turned
into knots, she thought he probably thought she was a crazy lady and every day
since that night he always still managed to smile at her after the way she
acted towards him. Life was moving fast
but Jenna still felt standing still in time, she knew time was moving that life
has not stopped but in her own life and heart she was still standing still in
time. She felt there was nowhere to run
to, nowhere to go, no way to fix herself, her life, her heart, she had no idea
what to do, she couldn’t even make the easiest of decisions no more, everything
was upside down and she had no idea what to do.
While Christmas was nearing Jenna’s mother had an idea, she
knew Jenna had been in the Caribbean with Jeremy for two weeks, her mother
wondered if she could go to the library to look up newspapers from back then to
see if she could find anything, at this point Jenna’s mom was desperate to find
anything she could. She knew Jenna went
with Jeremy for vacation but Jeremy had some business to do as well while
there. She thought after that is when
she seen this drastic change in her daughter.
Her mother thought it would be worth a try. She could not grasp onto the fact how Jenna
was so open with to see her now all of sudden pulling back so much, she knew in
her heart her daughter needed help. She did
not want to pry but felt badly in her gut that she needed to do this.
Jenna at home wandered around the shrine like always every day
and every night starring to the pictures all around her that surrounded her every
minute of every second of her days. She
could not believe that she let things go so far, that she for three months now
has lived her life in denial, she felt the pain was no longer going to let her
deny what she needed to do, that it was near and pushing through her denial
touching her heart heavily, she knew that it won’t be too long she would have
to face her biggest of fear and pain and the unknown of her future. That it would not last much longer. It was a dream she remembered that she knew
what she was doing was not right, in her dream that sweet face she so desperately
wanted to see in real life spoke to her, he said “You have to be happy, you
have to move on, I want you to be happy, I can’t move on where I am if you don’t, my love will always be with you,
around you, everywhere you go, PLEASE
live your life and be happy, be happy for me I am ok, live your life honoring
mine and do all things I loved. Your
life is all of what you dreamed and I see all that you accomplish and are so
proud of you, our love will always be but you have to move forward and live,
smile and be happy”. This dream she kept
remembering over and over in her mind, it was so real that when she awoke she
thought he’d be there.
Her mother at the library franticly flipped through
newspaper articles one after another, than her heart felt as though it stopped
as she came across an article on the front page, private jet on its way to
secluded Island crashes all died, one passenger’s body not found, her mother
couldn’t read fast enough, the names she thought I need to see names, the body
not found was Jeremy Jacobs claimed by wife Jenna Hastings, that not only that
her mother read just newlywed, while being on vacation they had married and the
next day was the tragic accident, Jenna’s mom’s heart dropped, she sat in the
chair crying uncontrollably, the librarian feeling sorry approached her touched
her shoulder, “are you ok ma am?” Jenna’s mother startled glanced quickly and
said “I’m ok, I am sorry” and fled that library so fast.
She wanted to get to Jenna as quickly as she could, she
raced with tears in her eyes not believing what she just read in anger thinking
“why?, why did this happen to my daughter”.
Jenna at home could not bear the dream no more it shattered
her heart she fled her home leaving the door open and everything to go to her
usual place, she fell to her knees this time with emotion, she cried, she
whaled, she screamed “WHYYYYYYYY”, WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?, WHY AM I HERE ALONE,
IT’S NOT HOW IT WAS SUPPOSE TO BE”.
She cried and cried not caring who was around, this is where
she remembered bringing her newlywed husband back home just one night after
marrying to Barry him in New York, that he had no family and did this all without
one person knowing, to having a barriel at the cemetery and watched as her
husband was put to rest ALONE. As she
let all these memories come flooding back she cried, she grasped for air, she
grasped for her voice, she always thought he would come back, that it was all
just a bad dream, Jeremy’s body was soon discovered later towards the night
that part her mother did not see in the article since the article was printed
earlier. Jenna felt something different
in her, she had felt a huge weight off her shoulders, still broken hearted and
shattered she had to move on with her life, she knew she had to find the way,
she knew now she had to walk through the pain and feel it all to know that was
the only way to get better the best way she could but knew her grief would
always be there.
While Jenna was on her knees sobbing her mother had been
just at her home in frantic in seeing Jenna gone and the door wide open, she
cried, she cried like she never did before, she panicked as she went to every
room in the home in horror not seeing her daughter. “Jenna please, where are you, are you here,
where did you go, where could you of gone, I need to find you”. She could barely speak from crying as hard as
she grasped for breaths.
To be continued........
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